32: Magnus

I'm awake all night tonight. I'm afraid to sleep because I'm afraid of reliving the torture. People are supposed to be safe in their dreams, right?

I cook breakfast while Alec's on the phone with Catarina. I have to do something or I'll claw myself apart.

Alec's not happy when he comes into the kitchen.

"There aren't any hybrid-friendly shrinks. Catarina says you can come in and talk to her if you want," Alec tells me.

"Can we go after breakfast?" I ask.

"Sure."

He kisses my cheek lightly.

I'm so tense on the way to Catarina's I have bloody crescents on my palms from my fingernails biting into my skin. I don't like the pain in Alec's eyes when he sees the marks, but the pain in my hands steadies me a little.

Catarina seems really worried when she greets us.

"I'll be talking to you guys in my personal office," she tells us, leading us down a hall.

The office is warm and smells of lavender. It's simply-too simply for my tastes-furnished. She motions for Alec and I to sit in the leather armchairs in front of the desk.

"Magnus, what sort of problems are you having?" she asks gently.

"Anxiety attacks and nightmares. I haven't been sleeping," I reply.

"What are the nightmares about? What's been triggering the anxiety attacks? How long's it been since you slept?"

"What happened to me. Little things. Um, I haven't slept since before the trial."

"How does Alec treat you when you get scared?"

"He holds me and keeps telling me I'm okay, that it isn't real. I know it isn't real now, but it used to be. I-I hit him one night. I didn't mean to. I had a nightmare, and I lashed out at him when he woke me up."

"What happened to your hands?"

"I hurt myself. My fingernails cut me."

"Do you intentionally hurt yourself?"

"Not like I used to. I used to bite myself because the pain I gave myself was easier to deal with than what he gave me. And I was punishing myself for angering him. I, um, I have raw places from trying to get clean. Does that count?"

"Why were you trying to get clean? To me, it does."

"I can still feel his hands on me. And I know I'm filthy still. I don't wanna contaminate Alec."

"Where do you feel his hands? Why do you think you're filthy?"

"My hips, thighs, junk, and my butt. Because I couldn't ever stop the abuse. If he wanted to rape me, he did. Fighting him only got me hurt worse. The first time I was raped was when I was five. How're you supposed to deal with that?"

"When Alec touches you there, are you afraid he will be dirty? Most people deal with it the same way you have."

"Yeah. Am I crazy?"

"No, you're not crazy. Do you feel the same way when you touch those places?"

"No, because I can't get any dirtier."

"How do you feel about yourself?"

"I don't particularly like myself if that's what you're asking."

"Magnus, I have some papers here on healing after rape. Do you keep a journal?"

"I keep one."

"Write down your feelings. Why you're feeling that way. Another thing that might help is getting a pet. Not a hybrid, but an animal. I'm going to give him a prescription for anti-anxiety pills. I want to see him next week."

"Um, we can't have animals in the apartment. He hasn't been eating," Alec puts in.

"I can give you a note stating it's an emotional support animal."

"That would be perfect."

"Can I get a cat? Cats are awesome," I say.

"You can get a cat. It'll be your responsibility."

As we get ready to leave, a woman walks in carrying a bundle wrapped in a blood-stained pink blanket. The bundle's mewling weakly.

"Can I help you?" Catarina asks.

"I got my son a neko, and he hurt the poor thing. He's really hurt. Can you find him a better home?" the woman replies, offering Catarina the bundle.

The neko yowls in pain.

"How old is he? Does he have a name? If I can, I will. You realize your son can go to prison for this?" Catarina says, peeling the blanket away from the neko's face.

I've never seen a purple neko before. He's very young. He's covered in bite marks.

"I don't remember. His name's Max. I have his papers with me. I know. His boyfriend got twenty years just a few days ago," the woman tells us.

"Is his boyfriend Ragnor Fell?" I ask weakly.

My blood turns to ice when she nods.

"Ragnor owned me for eight years. He's a monster. I know Raphael Santiago. He can join Ragnor in hell," I tell her.

"Do you wanna stay and see how Max is?" Alec asks, distracting me.

"Please. Why's he purple?"

"My son dyed him. I'm sorry for any harm my son did to you. Until now, I wasn't aware of what he did. Um, he was using Max to bait a pit bull," Mrs. Santiago explains.

A half-hour later, Max is in recovery.

"How bad is he hurt?" Alec asks.

"He has a lot of bite wounds, so he's on some heavy-duty antibiotics. He has a broken arm, which I set and put in a cast and sling. There weren't any signs of rape. Are you thinking about adopting him?" Catarina answers.

"We might. Can we visit him?"

"As often as you like."

After we leave Catarina's, Alec gets me a small, white, fluffy cat I promptly name Chairman Meow. We get everything I need to take care of him, including a harness so I can take him for walks.

"Can I visit Max while you work?" I ask.

"Yeah. Just let me know when you get there and when you leave, okay?" he replies.

"I will. Thank you for getting me help."

I scratch the Chairman's fuzzy ears gently. He's curled up in a ball on my lap.

"You're welcome. I just want you to get better. Who was that Camille?" Alec says, kissing me gently.

"She was a friend of theirs. She wasn't that bad at first. She used to do my nails for me because she knew he would get mad. I, um, I turned down a love confession from her, and she didn't take it lightly," I explain.

"I'm sorry she did things to get you in trouble. Are you okay?"

"Right now, I'm okay."

"Good. I love you."

I pull out the papers Catarina gave me. I really do wanna get better.

"Do you want me to get you some lunch?" Alec asks, stirring me from my thoughts.

"No, I can get it. This is the most okay I've been since the trial," I reply.

"I'm glad. I know you're not instantly gonna be okay, but I'm glad you're trying."

My being okay ends when Clary and Jace get into an argument in front of me. I lock myself in the bathroom with my cat. I'm shaking hard.

"It's not them. It's not them. I'm not gonna be blamed. I'm not gonna be beat," I tell myself over and over, rocking back and forth on the floor.

Memories of Raphael and Ragnor blaming me for their fights and taking their anger out on me floods my mind. It's getting hard to breathe.

The sound of footsteps approaching the door doesn't make me any less afraid. The memories have switched to the day Jace raped me.

"Baby, it's me. Can I come in?" Alec calls gently, rapping on the door.

I open the door hesitantly. Alec looks so worried.

"Are you okay?" he asks gently.

I shake my head. I'm not okay, but I'm haven't hurt myself. I step back so he can come in.

"Do you need to talk?" he asks.

"They used to blame me for their fights and beat me," I mumble.

I'm still shaking. Having Alec is starting to get my head in a slightly better place, but it's not a huge improvement.

"Thank you for letting me in. I would be scared if I were in your place," he tells me.

I appreciate his support more than he could ever know. I want to get better for both of us. Alec deserves having a boyfriend who's somewhat mentally stable. I deserve sleeping through the night without nightmares so terrifying I wake up screaming. We both deserve to be happy.