Ana's POV

I can't believe I didn't see Christian for the rest of the day yesterday, so much for our Sunday being a time of being together, once his family left and he left me in the chair he didn't come back. I could hear him shouting at people in his office even though the door was shut. He didn't come out for lunch nor for dinner, I made sure I didn't do anything stupid like try to move myself from the chair and Melanie and Gail assisted me during the day with none of us making any mention of the strange situation although I did see both concern and pity in Gail's eyes. Melanie put me to bed, even having had a relaxing shower didn't help anything, I thought it would relax me and help me sleep but it took forever until my tired body decided to make me sleep. I don't know what I have done or why Christian has shut me out completely, I even texted him to ask if he was ok, if I had done or said something wrong and have been wracking my brain to what I might have done but he hasn't responded and I feel awful.

When I woke up this morning, all I found was a note saying he has to go into work today and doesn't know if he will be back until late tonight as he has so much work to catch up on. I feel terrible that I have kept him away from his work for the last week but I can't for the life of me think what I have done to make him angry with me and it is upsetting me, everywhere I look I see him which isn't surprising given that this is his apartment. So I decide that I'd like to get out, I can see the water from the apartment and I just want to go down there and breathe some other air, suddenly I am feeling claustrophobic stuck inside. I speak to Melanie and she says she's happy to go out too, we can catch a cab to the waterfront, perhaps go to a café and just be out of here for a little while.

As we reach the elevator, we are met by Sawyer and Ryan blocking the exit and Sawyer says that they are under instruction that if I want to go out, that both must be in attendance. I protest that it is ridiculous, that I just want to go breathe some sea air and Sawyer calls Christian and he makes it clear that I am not ALLOWED to go outside without the two CPOs and that they must drive me. I can hear him shouting into the phone and I can't believe my ears, he hasn't bothered to talk to me for nearly 24 hours and here he is dictating what I can do. I say "Please move out of my way, I want to go downstairs." Both men move to allow us through but follow us in without any further words.

As the elevator drops Sawyer almost pleads that we allow him to bring the SUV to the elevator in the garage so that we don't go out through the foyer and I say no, I would like to leave like a normal person but as the door of the elevator opens in the foyer, there is a crush of people coming forward and I realise that they are paparazzi, quickly Ryan blocks the entrance and closes the door. I start shaking and as the tears start I whisper "Just take me back up, it's not worth it". I can't believe I am effectively trapped in Escala and I desperately want to know why Christian is angry with me and he must be because in the short time I have known him, he has only been loving and caring except for the one time he was angry with me at the hospital for not taking the medication but now he's not even talking to me.

I ask that I be taken back to the bedroom, I don't want to be seeing everyone coming and going, if I am going to be trapped here, I might as well act as if I was back in my apartment in my room. I decide to study and ask Melanie if she minds collecting my study notes and I sit on the chaise that is now in the bedroom and lose myself in my revision. This goes some way to distracting me and it's just before lunchtime when I hear a familiar voice, one I've missed for over a week. It takes just a moment after assuring Sawyer that yes, I do know him, before I am engulfed in a hug from Jose.

Jose is apologetic as to why he hasn't been to visit me but he is honest and says he was scared how I would look as he wanted to hold his memory of me being the one that was dear to him, me happy and "beautiful" I snort and say "Seriously Jose, you are so shallow, it's amazing." I assure him I will be fine and that I am happy despite all the crap that has happened as I have found Christian through it all.

Jose looks wistfully at me and I know he has held some sort of candle for me for a long time but I never ever wanted to be anything but friends with him, goodness, I think of him as the brother I never had. Jose says he can't stay long as he has to go see a gallery owner about possibly showcasing some of his photos and I say I am happy for him. He goes to give me a hug and a kiss on my cheek just as Christian appears at the door, Christian's face looks like thunder and he doesn't acknowledge either of us and stomps off to his study, slamming the door behind him. I look at Jose and shrug, "I don't know what's gotten into him, he's not normally like this" I say apologetically, I really want Jose to go so that I can speak to Christian.

Jose says "Take care Ana, I'll see you around" and leaves my room, I watch as he passes the study, Christian storms out and escorts him out of the apartment, I hear terse conversation and then Christian is striding back up the stairs and towards me. For the first time ever, I am afraid of him and shrink back into the chair, clutching my books to my chest and staring up at him.

Christian's POV

I don't like this situation at all, I am totally out of control. I was so upset with Ana yesterday saying that she wanted to get an apartment with Carla and I was so wound up that I couldn't go near her, then I felt like a shit for leaving her all by herself marooned in that chair when I said we'd spend the day together, thank goodness she asked for help and didn't do anything stupid. Unlike me, I sat in my study and drank a bottle of scotch, I didn't respond to her text or the voice message she left me because I was too mad and then I was too scared to go and lie down with her because I thought I might do something to her because I was drunk and wasn't myself. I never get drunk, how have I lost so much control of myself?

During the night a message came in that there were issues that needed me in the office to handle them, so I left without speaking to Ana, a note on the pillow is hardly how someone who loves you acts, I know but then came the phone call saying that Ana was wanting to leave the apartment and it upset me no end that she didn't want to listen to the security detail. How does she not understand that she means everything to me and I need to know where she is and that she is protected? Anyway, it appears that the paparazzi that I was trying to protect her from were in the foyer and scared her, maybe she'll listen to me now.

I finally managed to get a handle on everything in the office and decided I'd come home and have lunch with Ana and try to apologise and I walk into the bedroom to find that Jose fucker with his hands all over her, kissing her. Does she want him instead of me? What does that fucker have? When he finally left, I made it abundantly clear that even if Ana has forgiven him, I don't appreciate the sentiments that he uttered at the hospital and that I'd rather he did not come back again.

Now I am standing in front of Ana, my head is throbbing and I am so angry, my mouth opens and starts talking before my brain catches up and even though I can see her shrinking in fear, I hear myself saying "Do you want that fucker? Is it that you want to forgive everyone that's ever done anything to you and just live in a happy bubble? Do I not count for anything to you? Tell me, where exactly do I fit in between your mother that abandoned you at every opportunity and the fucker who said he'd be repulsed by you if your face was injured .." and I watch as Ana's face crumples at the harshness of my words and finally my brain catches up and I am horrified and rush to reach towards her saying "I'm sorry Ana, honey I'm so sorry."

Ana just shrinks back away from me in fear and disgust sobbing "Don't touch me" I back away, mortified that I have just treated her so harshly, I would never speak to anyone like that, what on earth possessed me to talk to Ana in that manner. Ana didn't even know that Jose had said that and now I have let that slip. I don't know what to do and then I watch in awe as Ana shakes herself and seems to straighten herself and then I know she is angry, very angry. The red spots in her cheeks, the flashing blue eyes and the hardest angriest tone falls from her mouth, cuts me to the core, twisting a knife in that black lump of a heart that I have just shown her.

"So let me ask, you can have all these women from the past how many were there? 10s 100s or god forbid 1,000s? You avoided the question so I have no idea and yet I can't even speak to one friend that I have never even kissed, who's just a friend, who kissed me on the cheek? And then you think it's ok to shatter even that little illusion that I had a friend by saying that he said I'd repulse him if I was injured. " She pauses for a breath but holds up her hand to stop me as I open my mouth to speak, I knew I should have answered her question instead of avoiding it and now it is biting me on the behind.

She continues "And I don't know what happened yesterday, but you left me in the chair and didn't come back. Did I do something wrong? You haven't told me anything and are acting like a sulking child, how is that acceptable? How can I fix something if I don't know what I have done wrong?"

I quietly say "I just want to protect you from everything, the world, the people that have hurt you in the past, yourself and finally me, I'm used to controlling my environment. I want to know that you have enough to eat and that you are eating when you should be, I want you to wear the best clothes I can afford, I want you to safe and happy at all times. I want to protect you from the vultures that follow me. I want you to feel loved, I want to be there for you at all times. I want you all to myself." Even as I say it I know my actions over the last 24 hours don't reflect what I just said.

"Sorry Christian you cannot control everything and if you do think you can, then this" and she waves her hand between us, "is not going to work. I do not intend to be your plaything that is just at your beck and call. I don't know if you realise this but in the real world, when someone stops you from being able to see their friends, says what you can eat, when you should eat, says what you need to dress in and doesn't have any trust, especially the lack of trust, then generally one person loses all their identity and it generally ends badly."

She pauses for a breath and shatteringly continues "Battered women all around the world will attest to that, they give it all up to focus on their man, they end up losing all their friends, end up being dependent on that person, everyone says "why didn't they walk away?" and yet they persist hoping that the person will change, that today they won't be hit, today they'll be allowed to do something that they want to do, each day losing a little bit of themselves, handing over control. Is that what you want? I don't know, if you want to protect me or just control me. Even if it is because you want to protect me and keep me in a gilded cage, a gilded cage is still a cage and the bird inside is still a prisoner." Her words pierce through my overwrought brain and I start closing down, she's going to tell me that she doesn't want anything more to do with me and it is all my fault. I didn't tell her why I was upset, I am sure she would have explained herself, I didn't tell her that the paparazzi were waiting like vultures downstairs, I didn't explain why the CPOs were important and now she hates me, validly for keeping her captive in my apartment and treating her terribly.

Finally I hear urgently as though through a fog, "Christian, come back to me" and I look at her, an empty shell of a man " Christian, I am willing to be a partner and walk beside you but I am not willing to put up with what you put me through for the last 24 hours." I think she is going to stop so that I can start redeeming myself but she continues heartbreakingly with " I want to sleep somewhere else, in another room, I don't want to be near you at the moment. I thought I loved you but I can't deal with what has happened. I though you said you loved me…." and she can't continuing as she's sobbing and it's obvious that the crying is causing her pain, her ribs are nowhere near healed.

As my brain takes in what she has said and her obvious distress, I again try to comfort her but she puts her hand out to stop me shaking her head and I know Mom said I wasn't supposed to let her be upset, well, with my fantastic ability to fuck up other people's lives, I haven't managed to do that and she looks like she might well succumb to the pain like she did the other morning. I reluctantly pull back and whisper, "No you stay in here, it is set up for you, I'll sleep somewhere else" and I catch the sob before it starts in my throat and turn and leave the room. I may just have ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I ring Melanie and ask her to give Ana some pain killers and hopefully she will fall asleep and rest, I can't believe I may be stuffing up her recovery and I know I still haven't spoken to her about yesterday. I speak to Taylor who followed me to my study and tell him to monitor her room closely, he stands there looking at me and I can tell from the set of his shoulders that he is less than impressed with me and I realise he probably heard the conversation and I shrug and turn away.

As Taylor leaves the thought goes through my mind that perhaps having a sub would work to release this huge tension that I am feeling but as soon as the thought appears it is replaced by a huge gulp of bile, like my body is saying "You have got to be kidding me!"

Dinner comes and goes and I don't leave my office, I can't, I can't face Ana, I can't face my staff, I can't even face myself so I work and work. There is no point in me going to bed tonight if I am not going to be lying next to Ana, the nightmares will be too strong. Finally as I tire I give up on work and go down to the gym, Taylor follows me with his usual impassive face however his eyes are questioning but I am not about to share any more of my fuckedupedness.

I am running on the treadmill, trying to run away from Ana's comments but they like my own footfalls keep pounding through my brain.

17 May 2011

Christian's POV

I leave early for the office, I did spend an hour sitting next to Ana, watching her sleep, cursing my inability to communicate, she has a small frown creasing her forehead, all I want to do is kiss it away so she doesn't feel the pain I keep heaping on her. I press a small kiss on the frown and it relaxes, she says my name in her sleep and her lips turn up in a smile and I leave quickly before I am tempted to lie down beside her. She doesn't want me in her bed and I don't blame her and to do so would be to betray her trust.

This time I don't leave a note, what can I say in a note? I just leave for the office where another horrid day ensues with everyone irritating me. Carrick calls me for a meeting that I am wholly unprepared for and my annoyance is compounded when Bastille beats the shit out of me and tells me to get my head in order, oh if it was only that easy!

I work late and don't even call, I can take sulking to a whole new level and in truth, I am hiding from myself, more so than Ana. Tonight though I need to sleep as it is now the third night since I have had any sleep, again I pop into Ana's room and watch her sleep, again there's a small frown which disappears when I kiss it and I feel awful about what is happening. I don't know how to fix this, for a smart man, I can't figure out what I am supposed to do so I skulk away to one of the guest rooms resolving that tomorrow I will ring John Flynn, I need his help, I miss my Ana.