CHAPTER 24: HOW TO TRUST
It was early morning and the sun had just begun to rise. Tifa's feet felt light as she hurried down the dirt path, Mama's winter boots leaving fresh tracks in the light dusting of snow. It was the start of a new year and the girl had mustered up enough hope that positive changes could come her way. Master Zangan was waiting for her at his small cottage a quarter mile outside the village where she could escape the low temperature and mountain wind to continue her lessons indoors. Yesterday, he had said to get a good night's sleep and come full of energy for a challenge this morning. She was certainly ready for whatever he had up his sleeve! It was funny how much a new set of well-fitting clothes could lift one's spirit.
The past few months had been good to her. Although Papa still suffered from his drunken furies from time to time, Tifa was learning to predict these foul moods and make herself invisible when she needed to be. Seeing Claudia on most days was a wonderful blessing to her lonely heart. Cloud's mother treated her as if she was her own child and the girl drank in the affection like a dry sponge. Over time, she was learning about more about the seamstress next door. The woman had endured many hard things and gained wisdom through those experiences to help Tifa through the hardships in her life. When she got older, she'd be sure to help someone in need and pay Claudia's kindness forward. Tifa had recently learned how to backstitch and had begun working on a frock under Claudia's supervision. Together, they had designed a pretty blue summer dress using the fabric from her old white pinafore and one of Mama's old robes. Her mentor showed her how to construct the seams so that they could be taken out as she continued to grow. Tifa was learning a lot lately and it filled her with hope and purpose.
She called out to her Master when she entered his home, moving to remove her oversized knit sweater and boots.
"Leave them on," the old man said. "We're going out today."
Tifa paused before retying her boot. "Where to?"
"Mt. Nibel," he said with a level voice. "We will be practicing the skills of your body and the strength of your integrity." Moving back out into the dry winter air, the pair made their way toward the mountain path. Zangan noticed the hesitance and haunted look in his apprentice's eyes once the village was out of sight.
"The number of monsters coming down from the mountain has been increasing over the years; I assume it has to do with that mako reactor at the summit. Today we will be seeking them out. I want you to fight them."
"Me? But Master—"
He held up a hand to silence her as he focused his attention towards the tree line. Rustling could be heard in the brittle underbrush and Tifa held her breath. Without warning, a growling creature stumbled out onto the path. The girl's eyes widened at what once looked like it could've been a wolf, but now seemed to have strange growths protruding from its mako enhanced body. Saliva spilled from its mouth as it surveyed its prey, eyes glowing with energy and something unnatural.
Tifa whimpered and her teacher shifted into battle stance.
The girl was no stranger to wildlife; since she could remember, she had spent a great deal of time in nature and seen everything from bears to ground squirrels. But there was something very wrong with this one. It staggered this way and that, approaching them instead of fleeing at the first sign of humans. Its fur was matted, dark and dirty, contrasting with the gleaming white of its teeth. Is this what mako overexposure did? Was ShinRA responsible for this?
The animal turned and crouched before quickly springing forward and lunging toward them. Before she could let the air out of her lungs to gasp, Zangan had reacted—twisting forward in a smooth round house kick, colliding his heel with the beast's skull. It skidded against the hard earth with a yelp.
"Tifa! Finish it!"
She gulped. Never before had she fought any one besides her master or Cloud, and it was never to actually hurt them! How was she supposed to kill this thing? The creature slowly rose to its feet, locking its eyes on Tifa now that Zangan had retreated. Fists raised, the girl sent quick, uncertain glances in the man's direction as she circled her snarling opponent. It lunged forward and she jumped to the side to dodge, barely avoiding the snapping jaws. She brought her elbow down upon the back of its head before regaining her stance, backing away again. Tifa tried to follow up with a side kick but missed, the monster was too quick this time.
The wind whipped flurries through the air and her hair flew wildly as she recovered her stance. For the first time, she looked into the creature's eyes. The green, hollow orbs sent fright shivering through her frame. Snarling and bristled fur flooded her senses and it was just too much. She wasn't skilled enough! She was going to die! The beast threw itself forward, aiming its teeth for her neck. Timing her high kick perfectly, Tifa crushed the animal's jaw with her heel, sending it flying backwards into the snow dusted dirt. With a stifled whimper she turned to run towards the protection of her master. Thoroughly frightened, she stood behind him, watching the beast recover and stumble towards them once again. Tifa squeaked as the animal leapt at Zangan. She watched with fascination as the old man moved with incredible speed, thrusting out his arm to catch the animal's throat in his hand. With one quick move, he crushed its wind pipe. Tifa forced herself to watch as the beast collapsed to the ground, gurgling and twitching before it fell still at last.
Master Zangan turned to face her slowly and she instantly recognized the disappointment on his face. "Do you trust me?"
She quickly met his pale eyes, "Oh yes, of course I do!"
"Then why did you run away when I told you to finish that monster off? Don't you trust me to take care of you?" He held her still with his analytical gaze. Guilt flooded her chest and she quickly realized she didn't have an answer.
"If we were fighting side by side, could I trust you to guard my back?"
The girl nodded without hesitation, "Of course!"
"What is in your heart that I should put my faith in it?"
Tifa fell silent for a moment, having to bite her tongue to keep from blurting out that she'd protect him because she loved him. She had been battling the guilt of betrayal to her father over the years, trying with all her might to deny the fact that her master had slowly replaced the role of father in her life. It was equally as difficult to admit that she was moving Claudia into the hole in her heart left by Lia's death. The thought of it made her feel wretched. If she was unfaithful to the people who brought her into this world—how could anyone trust an ungrateful daughter like her? She hung her head.
"I don't know, Master."
He waved her forward and they continued up the mountain path, student two steps behind the teacher. Despite being prompted to be alert, it was hard for Tifa to take her eyes off her feet. The brown soil gradually turned into ashen gravel as they continued toward Mt. Nibel and it stirred up memories that had been swept into the dark corners of her mind. She shivered, obediently following in spite of the feeling that she shouldn't be here. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she remember what it was that froze her insides with binding fear? Finding the memory that inspired such instinctual unease was like stumbling around in the dark.
The pair remained on the mountain until the wind picked up and threatened to leave frostbitten fingers and noses. For most of the encounters with monsters, Master had her fight alone. If she got overwhelmed or he felt she was in danger, her teacher would intervene. It was invigorating to have the chance to use her skills against real enemies and Zangan seemed pleased with her performance. Tifa felt the shredded pieces of her confidence begin to mend, even if she was a bit disturbed over the circumstances. One day, would she have to fight people like that? She was sure that she could never end the life of a human being, even if she was being attacked. It was hard enough to take the lives of the monsters that threatened to come down into the village. Hopefully, the path of her life would never lead her to make such a choice. Frozen to the bone and exhausted from hours of brawling, they descended.
"Misplaced trust can be deadly, Tifa. I wanted you to know what it felt like to trust someone with your life," Master said and she nodded, reflecting on how much she had relied on his help that day. "Be careful whom you trust. Know a man's heart before you make yourself vulnerable. Always be wise when placing your faith in people."
Long after she had lain down to sleep that night, Master Zangan's lecture continued to run through her head. He had taught her the qualities of trustworthy people; she knew to look for the company of those who were dependable and honest, keeping even small promises. Master had said to seek out people who put her at ease and would never hurt her. Papa hurt her sometimes—her body and her heart. Was he really someone she couldn't trust? Her stomach churned when she thought of the years that had changed things between them and what a wicked child she was to even think that she couldn't depend on her own father. He was just sick, that's all. Papa was sick with sadness and alcohol. But Tifa had no excuses for herself. Did anyone see her as a trustworthy person? She decided in her heart that she'd try her best to make sure they did.
… … …
There was never a whole lot to eat in the winter. When he was younger and food was scarce, Mom used to fill up his belly by adding extra water to her soups or buying two day old bread from the tavern. For as long as he could remember, she'd toil away during the year, picking wild berries at sunrise to make jams for use during the winter months or preserving vegetables from their little garden in rows of glass jars. Cloud wasn't a little boy any longer and his drive to provide for the ones he loved was growing as quickly as his body was. He wasn't content to let Mom do all the work anymore. Besides, he needed to practice being a provider if he was ever going to be a husband. Three weeks ago, his mother taught him how to use his father's pistol. She had taken him far into the woods to have him practice firing at stumps and tree trunks. Cloud wasn't a natural marksman, but he was learning to aim well enough.
He was a mile outside the village, creeping along the thicket surrounding a clearing. The brush was high at his waist, snagging his clothing as he strained his ears for any sign of prey. Hunting rabbits was a difficult process, even if you had enough snow on the ground to track foot prints. Mom had been so thrilled when he had come home last week with a good size rabbit, since meat was an expensive luxury in their lives: much more costly than the bullet used to kill it with. There was a sudden rustle of branches as a rabbit startled near his feet, bolting out into the open. Cloud quickly took aim and fired; dirt and snow jumping from the ground. The rabbit zig zagged back into the cover of the thicket. Damn—that was a big one, too.
Cloud sighed and crouched into the thin branches of the barren blueberry bushes, waiting. He was learning that hunting took patience, which was something he had plenty of. Long minutes stretched by and the silence made his mind wander. The thoughts of military grandeur pulled his spirit away from the mountains, constantly gnawing at his heart and tugging at his mind. Cloud didn't think that being alone scared him—after all, he had been ostracized as a bastard child for as long as he could remember. But leaving everything familiar to move to another continent and work in the biggest city on the planet made him uneasy to say the least. He'd be leaving his mother and Tifa behind. If he got lost or hurt or rejected by ShinRA, he was on his own. The realization both thrilled and frightened him.
For a long time, the only thing that moved was the condensation from his breath in the icy air. Cloud's blue eyes blinked against the stinging cold. To the left, something stirred and he locked his sharp gaze upon it. The cottontail cautiously lingered near the edge of the bramble, nibbling the long withered leaves. Slowly, he took aim, finger poised on the trigger. He had the power to take the animal's life in an instant: a strength built by repetition and tenacity.
What does it mean to be strong?
Visions of Sephiroth winning battles singlehandedly flashed in the boy's mind. But strength, as he was learning, didn't rely only in the ability to overtake and kill. Mom had lectured him for half an hour before having him try to use the gun, telling him that one should only use a powerful weapon if they possessed a strong mind. As he turned these things over in his thoughts, Cloud had come to understand that true strength lay in wisdom and the control to never abuse your power.
BANG! The shot rang out in the still air.
A tuft of fur flew and the rabbit disappeared back into the brush. Cloud followed the blood trail into the dense thicket until he found where the large cottontail had collapsed. He picked it up by the ears and grinned when he felt its weight. Mom would be so thrilled to have five pounds of meat to eat and more fur that she could turn into muffs or collars. Hopefully, Tifa would come by to work on her dress and Mom would make some rabbit stew for them to eat. Tifa would be so impressed, wouldn't she? He flipped the safety on his pistol before returning it to its holster. For the first time in his young life, Cloud was beginning to feel a sense of purpose and it was absolutely addicting.
Turning south, he pushed towards the village. There was firewood waiting to be cut for his one and only friend.
… … …
Grief tore and tore at her chest as she stumbled forward, falling to her knees and scraping her tights. Gravel snagged the black lace of her dress, but she pressed on and on up the gravel path. It would be worth it—if she could just see Mama once more. She barely saw the bridge swaying in the wind up ahead, tears turning the world into a wash of color. Howling gusts whipped ebony locks across her face as she stepped forward, desperation overriding any innate fear of swaying on a flimsy bridge high above the gorge. She heard Cloud's voice, but the wind carried it away. Her foot slipped when a gust rocked the bridge and she gasped in surprise as she slid off the edge. The wood splintered under her fingernails and she looked up to see blue, blue eyes, wide with fear. His finger brushed hers as her grip faltered. She fell into the abyss, a blonde blur tumbling after her.
Tifa trembled and trembled once awareness washed over her. She lay unblinking upon her pillow, staring at the fibers of her cotton quilt. Unconsciously, fingers moved to brush over the scar on her head that hid beneath layers of her black tresses. Cloud had been there that day? No one had told her. Why hadn't he said anything? Slowly, Tifa sat up. Fingers shaking, she gripped her blanket as her heart pounded against her rib cage. Cloud had fallen, too? Guilt rose up from her stomach and into her throat. She had killed her mother and never told her best friend about it. The trip to Mt. Nibel with Master Zangan must've stirred up long forgotten memories that revealed how her stupidity and selfishness had put Cloud in danger, too.
The winter sunrise cast an orange glow across her sheets and she drew her knees to her chest. Some friend she was. Already, her quiet vow to be a trustworthy person was being compromised by her fear to let the boy see the shameful things she's done. Swallowing hard, Tifa had to tell him the truth about what had happened to Mama as soon as possible. She'd bottled it up so long and she had to let it out of her heart before she exploded. After all, it was his perception of her that mattered the most. Cloud was someone she could trust with her secrets. He deserved her honesty, even if it required her to be brave and face the possibility that he may not want to associate with someone carrying a burden like hers.
Quietly, she dressed in her gray tunic and descended the stairs in search of a quick breakfast. Once in the kitchen, she heard shuffling on the floorboards overhead. Papa was awake.
She instantly quieted the fear in her chest, reminding herself of her mission to do what she could to heal her father from the monsters inside his head. Taking a deep breath, she took two plates from the cupboard. Brian lumbered into the room, sluggish with sleep and that permanent air of melancholy. His thick brown hair was disheveled and a layer of stubble adorned his jawline. Papa slouched into a chair at the table and watched her with weary brown eyes.
"Good morning, Papa," Tifa said, making sure to smile. It was safe to talk to Papa in the early mornings, she had learned. He was usually more patient and almost always responded when she talked to him. The girl poured him a mug of steaming tea.
"Mornin'."
She forced herself to chatter happily at him as he sipped his tea like Mama used to do, seldom drawing a brief response from his lips. She crossed him to reach the breadbox as she told him about how her sewing skills were progressing so she'd be better able to mend any of his things. Tifa set a large helping of bread and butter in front of Brian before helping herself to her own. The man kept his eyes on his plate as Tifa told him that she had begun to use her skills and fight monsters with her teacher.
"At first, it was frightening. I didn't know if I could kill something—even a monster that might endanger the village. But Master told me that it is either kill or be killed in this world," Tifa paused as she took a bite of her bread, hoping her father would comment. When he didn't, she swallowed and continued.
"I've finally mastered the Unsu kata. Master Zangan told me he was proud of me," the girl said, shyly sweeping strands of thick hair over her shoulder. "Papa…are you proud of me?"
He father finally looked up to meet her gaze.
"Why would I be? Every time you wear that and go off with that man, you shame me." His comment stole the brief flash of hope from her eyes. For a long time, Papa's personality was sort of like flipping a coin. His two sides were very distinct: angry and abusive or quiet and sad. Tifa was starting to see the two sides blending together. Alcohol was no longer necessary to draw hurtful words from his mouth.
"But I'm learning so much," she countered. "I'm learning to protect others. I want to help people."
With a guffaw, he sat back in his chair and set his mug down with a loud thunk. His short, booming laugh almost made Papa sound like his old self.
"Ha! Help others? You should worry about yourself. You're going to need all the help you can get to grow up to be anything more than a lonely old spinster like that woman next door you love so much."
"I never meant to shame you. I love you and I just…" Swallowing the rising emotion in her throat, she cast her gaze downward. "I want you to be happy."
"How can I be happy with my wife lying cold in the soil and my only daughter battling beasts like a man? It's embarrassing, Tifa, can't you see?"
She certainly didn't see why learning to use her strength for the good of others was an undesirable trait in a person. Wouldn't a potential spouse be impressed? Tifa reassured herself with the reminder that Cloud was always happy to hear about her skills and eager to learn what she had to teach. Papa just couldn't see that. She flinched when his chair scraped backwards against the tile as he stood.
"Clean up the workshop before you go to your lesson. I'm going to fetch the newspaper," Papa said as he moved into the foyer. Tifa frowned but rose from her seat to obey.
She waited until the front door clicked shut before making her way down into her father's lair. As usual, there were almost a dozen glass bottles strewn haphazardly about. Dark ones, clear ones, thin ones, fat ones. Tifa had tidied up the woodshop countless times and every time the fragrant liquid would tempt her. She picked up a half empty bottle, attracted by the brightly colored berries on the label. This wasn't Papa's usual ginger beer or whiskey.
"Vodka…" she read aloud, turning the glass container in her hand. "Huckleberry flavor."
There were other words on the bottle that were hard for her to read. She rose the bottle to her nose and took in the familiar alcoholic tingle, mixed with a fruity essence. Tifa remembered the burning of her throat the last time she was bold enough to actually try one of Papa's drinks. Her long hair swung as she glanced around before tentatively raising the bottle to her lips. She took one small sip, then a larger one. Her eyes watered but she didn't choke on the fire in her throat. Tifa wanted to know what it was about these beverages that Papa said quelled the hurt in his heart. She hoped that maybe, whatever it was would soothe her wounds as well. Feeling guilty, she carefully placed the bottle back on its perch on the counter. Picking up her broom, she quickly set to work.
… … …
Tifa had been distracted as she trained with Master Zangan that morning and was still in a fog when she left his cottage after noon. The mix of her father's words and the few sips of alcohol made her unable to focus on the grace and precision required by her teacher and he watched her with a careful eye. The sun was high in the winter sky as she made her way home, sweat freezing her bangs to her forehead in the brisk winter air. Did her martial arts training really disqualify her from being a desirable wife? Cloud didn't let it keep him from being her friend and for that, she was grateful. But the fear that he'd reject her due to the blood on her hands wove tense knots in her chest that made it hard to breathe. Tifa decided to tell him the first chance she got. He would be out of school in a few hours—she'd make sure to intercept him on his way home.
Once inside she quickly bathed and wrapped her body in a thick cotton towel. Her bare feet padded onto the hardwood floor of the hall, its white walls cluttered with picture frames of different sizes. Something made Tifa linger there, taking the time to study each photograph. There was one of Mama and Papa smiling on their wedding day, the train of her magnificent gown spread wide at their feet. There were numerous photos of herself as a big eyed toddler, one of her father riding atop a handsome stallion, and even a print of Papa as a boy. She slowly followed the frames to the end of the hall.
The last photograph on the left made Tifa freeze. Encased in a thick mahogany frame was a picture of her mother as a girl, with what she assumed were her grandparents. In the background, the ocean sparkled in the sunlight. When she looked closely, Tifa could see the waves lapping at the shore like her mother had described to her dozens of times. She had never been able to meet her grandparents. Years ago, after they put her to bed, Tifa heard her parents having long discussions about ShinRA and Wutai, but she had been too young to understand. One spring day she had asked Mama about it. The woman had made a strange face before excusing herself to go inside, leaving Tifa alone in the garden.
Shortly before Mama died, Papa had told her that ShinRA had killed her grandparents, and the sadness made it hard for her mother to get better from her illness. Tifa wasn't aware there was a war going on until a few years ago when Cloud had chattered excitedly about some soldier with a long name and even longer sword. The ShinRA Company gave them the power for appliances and such, which was a good thing. Memories of her mother always opting to use candles instead of the electric lamps made sense to her now. But if the cost of convenience was the lives of her extended family, Tifa couldn't rationalize ShinRA as being anything but bad.
Carmine eyes fixated on the rolling waves in the photo. Oh, she longed to go there. Ever since her mother had first described the smell of the air and the feel of the sand, Tifa felt the call of the sea beckoning her. In her mind, it was a place of happiness so different from her gray world in the mountains.
Tifa donned her tan cotton dress with the black sash and sleeves, brushing her long dark locks over and over again until they were dry. Tifa fussed and fussed with her hair, unhappy with the way it hung limp and lifeless down her back. She wanted to look pretty for Cloud and these days it was hard to feel anything but awkward in her skin. When it was almost time for the school day to end, Tifa laced up her mother's boots, wrapped a thick black shawl around her shoulders and strode out into the cold.
She was leaning against the white wall of the school house when the students began to emerge. Mrs. Nelson stood at the door, little Sarah in her arms. Tifa's eyes locked on the sight of the brown haired baby with bright hazel eyes and rosy cheeks. She babbled happily, one chubby fist clutching her mother's sweater. The school teacher smiled and kissed the crown of the baby's head. For a reason she couldn't explain, the sight squeezed her heart mercilessly. Familiar faces filed out into the flurries and Tifa immediately averted her gaze when Jim and Jason came into view, hoping they'd ignore her like they usually did these days. She wasn't that lucky.
"Hey, Lockhart. Here to walk your boyfriend home from school?" Jason taunted, barely slowing his stride.
"She's the boyfriend!" Jim snickered as he passed her by. "She'll protect him with her manly fists."
Tifa didn't lift her head until their laughter died and they were out of sight. Flakes of snow stuck to her eye lashes as she looked around for the familiar shock of yellow hair and she smiled when he appeared, clutching his school books. Cloud's pale eyes lit up with surprise when he noticed her there.
"Hey!" She shyly waved in his direction.
"Hey, Tifa!" He strode over to meet her. "You're never here after school. What's the occasion?"
Tifa smiled sweetly at her friend before nervously fidgeting her hands. She took a breath, knowing that if she didn't get it out now, she might lose her nerve. "Cloud—I, uh… There's something I need to talk to you about."
"What is it?" he asked, concern crowding his features. Tifa opened her mouth to speak, but the milling about of villagers in town square made her close it again.
"Could we go somewhere private?"
Cloud's eyebrows knotted together in thought before he grinned and grabbed her mitten clad hand. "I know just the place!"
A/N: Summer is here and I can't wait for my beach vacation next week! I hope that it won't interrupt my once-per-week updating schedule, but I apologize in advance if it does! I hope you all are done with exams and ready for some R&R. :)