A/N: This chapter may be a trigger for abuse survivors.
My sincerest apologies and sympathies to anyone that might have suffered it in real life and I hope I have handled it sensitively.
Christian's POV
I still shudder every time I think about what could have happened to Ana on Thursday so now, I'm never letting Ana out of my sight, if anyone is in the room with her other than Taylor or Mrs Jones, even if it is my mother, I am going to be in there with her.
Yesterday we made it through a whole day without anyone hurting her, me working in my office and just sharing meals with Ana so that she could study and I could do my work and now here we are again at the beginning of a new weekend.
Yesterday showed me once more the differences between Ana and I, we are like heaven and hell in how we interact with the others, I wanted to report Melanie to the nursing board and have her lose her licence for life but Ana managed to convince me to just terminate her services. I have to smile at Ana and her persuasion techniques but suffice to say, I was still very angry when I allowed Melanie back into the premises to collect her possessions and explain her actions to me. I didn't really want to know what her excuses were but Ana said she thought Melanie wasn't a bad person, I do wonder what someone has to do to not receive a second chance from Ana.
In the end, Melanie explained that her boyfriend had been overseas for several months and so she had desperately wanted to catch up with him, she hadn't realised that the new drugs, which were within the ones that had been suggested by the doctors in Ana's management plan would have such an effect on Ana. Usually they make patients just a little sleepy and it was probably the fact that Ana didn't take a lot of pain killers that the effect was so strong. She profusely apologised for leaving Ana in a dangerous position and said she was sorry to be leaving Ana as she had been her easiest patient to date.
She also apologised for her abuse of privileges with Gail and after considerable grilling, eventually I was satisfied that there hadn't been any Elena induced mistreatment of Ana and told her that her contract was still terminated but I would not be reporting and having her lose her licence. I did ask for her boyfriend's name and what Ana and she do not know is that they will both be under surveillance and any indication that what she told us was incorrect will be swiftly rewarded by a report to the nurse's board and the inability to work in this state.
Ana wished Melanie well and once she had gone basically told me "I told you so but at least now she's left on relatively friendly terms and not as an enemy and therefore doesn't have any reason to get back at you or me," having said that though, she still seemed pleased Melanie was gone. I hope there isn't something Ana hasn't told me or worse that I am not making her as paranoid as I am but I know I can keep her safe with just Taylor and Gail.
That brings us to today, it's Saturday, I don't need to be in the office, and I am enjoying lying in bed and watching Ana sleep, a beautiful peaceful smile on her lips, those lips that let slip during her slumber that she adores me, it took everything in me to control myself, I want to worship her body so desperately but she isn't even letting me see it.
Despite her protestations last night, I wrapped her leg and carried her into the shower but she wouldn't let me stay saying that she had worked out a system of turning on the water at exactly the right temperature, the method being that whoever is helping her has to turn it on, get it to the right temperature, they turn it off and let her into the shower area and then she turns it back on and it is at the right temperature. I humour her for now but I want to help her in every way.
When I suggested that I could wash her back for her, those big blue eyes welled up and my heart broke, goodness, it was so much easier before I knew I had a heart, now it is hurting every time I see her hurting and I can't bear it.
Now, lying here, the sun has just risen and I look out the window realising that I really hadn't looked at the sunrise until Ana did her early morning shenanigans to get to the chaise and now, every morning that I see the sunrise, I stop and absorb it and feel renewed.
Finally my morning sleepy head wakes and stretches like a cat and I am rewarded by her eyes lighting up as she sees me and I unhook her leg so that I can roll her onto her side and into my arms. "Morning Beautiful," I say as she nuzzles into my neck.
I'm pretty sure what she mumbles is a "Good morning, gorgeous," but I can't tell as she looks like she is falling asleep again, contently in my arms.
"Hey, wake up sleepy head, you have studying to do but only after I get a proper cuddle and we have a decent breakfast."
As she groans and shuffles to a position that she can see my eyes, my hand slips and I touch her back and she gasps and I move my hand like she had struck me.
"Baby, will you tell me why I can't touch you?" and I wait for her to breathe calmly again "Can you tell me where I can and can't touch you? Remember I reacted when you touched me, if anyone can understand how you feel, it's me. Baby, tell me, I so desperately want you to be comfortable with me, I want to look after you and to do that I will need to touch you and I'm scared I'm going to trigger a panic attack, I never want to do that to you again.
There's a long pause as she searches my eyes and then she deflects, "Will you tell me about why I couldn't touch you the other night?" and I know I can tell Ana, that I and my fears are safe with her, so despite never having told anyone how I feel, I nod and she seems to see my fear in the way I hesitate and continues, "You can't see my back Christian," she whispers, "You'll be horrified so you don't need to be afraid of telling me."
"Ana I have scars too, that's why I always wear a shirt and no-one and I mean no-one has touched me in certain areas since I was four and they found me. I can't handle anyone's touch, even through a shirt it burns if someone touches me, except for you, that's when I knew you were something else, an angel to me. On some level, my body knows that you won't hurt me and accepts your touch, even Mom, Grace, hasn't been able to touch me and the only reason I have hugged her a couple of times now has been because of you, I have to consciously say to myself, "This Mom, she's an angel like Ana," and then and only then, can I hug her but even then it can't be for long."
I notice that Ana is holding my hand, attempting to comfort me and I lift it to my lips and I kiss it before I continue, "I was hoping that given that I love holding you against me and hugging and holding you that I wouldn't have a problem with you touching me, that's why I never said anything but my body had other ideas the other night and forgot it was you. All my panic came straight to the surface and I resorted to my usual response which was to hit and push you away. I'm so sorry."
"Oh Christian, I told you then, I knew it had nothing to do with me and I was just upset that I had stressed you out to that point to cause such a trigger reaction, as you hadn't mentioned anything, that's why you need to tell me things."
"Hey, pot calling kettle…" I say gently, stirring her, "You didn't tell me that you didn't like being touched either."
"Good point, well made, Mr Grey." And she goes silent again and then says quietly, "I didn't… I never… Us…. I didn't think it would…" and she gives up saying what she was trying to say and I am sure was that she never thought we'd end up together and looks upset and quickly says instead, "Will you show me your scars?"
I worry about showing my scars, I never show them because people want to touch, Grace saw them when she saw me in hospital and tended to them but I never let her touch me again, once they were healed. The only other person that has touched them was Elena, it was against my will as I was screaming my safeword and she wouldn't listen and it was the very last time I subbed for her. I feel Ana squeeze my hand and see the concern and come back to the present, she is amazing, she knows when I am falling into the abyss and I am in awe of her, I truly am.
This fact then galvanises me, I know that mine look bad but don't look as horrific as caning injuries can look, the memories are what hurt, not the scars, I have a feeling that given the police report I saw of Ana's injuries at the hands of Morton, hers will be very much worse and I really need to man up and face my fears otherwise what am I implying about my reaction to hers.
"Would some chocolate sauce help?" I hear through my rising panic and her smiling eyes calm me down.
I decide to follow her lead down the lighter track, "You know, the thought of having your lips all over my abs is the only reason I am finding a way to do this," and on cue she blushes and I chuckle and use her hands holding me to pull myself into her and press my lips to her forehead, her soft exhale against my throat hardens me immediately and I hope that our disclosures to each other bring us closer and don't tear us apart. Every fibre of my being wants Ana, but her injuries and everyone that keeps hurting her just lengthens the time before I can safely show Ana my love for her in every way, I have never made love to a woman and never wanted to, I was happy with what I did for and to the others but with Ana, I can't imagine doing anything but making love to her over and over.
"Um, earth to Christian? I don't know where you go but I want to be with you if you are here with me." The quiet insistence in her voice assures me that she isn't going anywhere and then she shocks me again with how intuitive she is, "Do you want Dr Flynn here to help or will you trust me not to freak out? You must know I'm not going anywhere."
"Hey, that was entirely your fault, I was imagining all sorts of things," I say lightly and then continue, "I think I can do this but please…"
"Honestly Christian, I won't touch you unless you want me to and if I do and you say to stop, I will, please trust me," she says in a whisper and I nod, I do trust her, I just don't trust me and then she says something really sensible, "Are there any areas that I can touch? Maybe we can start there and then we can try somewhere else."
I realise that I am holding my breath as I nod, my voice trembles and I shake my head in disbelief, as I say, "Can you look first and not touch until I'm ok?"
"Like a snake? Sure" she says and I don't know what she's talking about and look quizzically at her and she says matter-of-factly, "Well, you can look at a snake but you should never touch it." Sure, that sounds sensible and I realise that she has distracted me back to a calmer state.
Then I know she's being downright dirty when she looks coolly at me and with a toss of her hair says, "Especially a one eyed trouser snake." So I decide to play at her at her own game and I move my hand as if to push down my pj pants and her eyes turn into saucers and she breathes, "Hey, get back to task."
I take a long calming breath and look into Ana's eyes, all I see is love and say quietly, "Actually, anything below about halfway down my abs is ok, so you can put your hands on my hips, my sides are safe and my shoulders and up are ok," I say. "So where would you like to start?"
"Wait, can you stand and swing me so that my feet are over the edge of the bed, left leg resting on something? That way you can stand and move away if necessary as quick as you need to and we'll both be safe." Smart thinking and I retrieve a small ottoman and swing her so that her foot is resting and I am now standing between her legs and she reaches out for a hug and I haul her up so that she is flush against my body.
"You'll be ok, you know I saw your body the other day and it looked fairly magnificent, I'll look then you can tell me where to touch" she whispers up to me and I know she can feel the tremble and I nod and place her back down gently.
She's right, she did gawk at me the other night when I started stripping without thinking about her being in the room so I peel off my t-shirt and I hear the gasp as I do so but when I look down at her with trepidation, not wanting to see the pity, I see a glorious smile and a very rosy hue.
"Damn I wish I hadn't said that I wouldn't touch."
And I outright laugh, that wasn't what I expected, "Oh Ana, you are priceless" and without thinking I pull her into a hug, her sleepwear keeps that thin barrier between us but it's what she does with her hands that makes me melt, normally she'd throw them across my back, but no, she settles them on my hips making sure not to touch any skin.
It's her breath though that makes me stop, she's not breathing and she's holding her head just that tiny bit off my skin so that she's not touching. All this because she understands, I loosen up and bend my head to her ear, "Breathe beautiful girl, you have no idea how much I appreciate you," I say before I kiss her and sit her back down.
"Oh Christian, I know you don't want pity but I hope you understand that my heart aches for you as a tiny boy, being subjected to that. I know how much a cigarette burn hurts…" and I gasp looking at her shocked, there was no mention in any police report about cigarette burns. "It appears that cigarette burns are one of the hazards of having a whore for a mother." Is all she says but her lips tighten and I forget entirely about the fact that her hands are still on my body.
"It's not the pain though is it Christian? It's the memory of the smell, the feeling of helplessness, the just plain feeling of betrayal, the fact that when someone sees it they feel like they need to touch it. The burn when they touch it, like it's happening again. Why? Is it not real enough? Is it just that they can't believe that someone would do that to someone else, let alone a child? Well Christian, we managed to win the gene pool lottery didn't we? Being born to mothers that just didn't care what other people did to us." And I can't believe it's not me uttering the words but Ana, she is saying exactly what I have felt all these years.
"I'm so sorry honey, there's no-one I would wish less to ever feel that than you. Where Ana? Where did the bastards burn you?" I need to know, it doesn't matter anymore whether Ana touches me, the mere fact that she knows exactly what I am going through negates all that.
Slowly she pulls up her top and points to her belly button and all I see is red, pure unadulterated anger at the bastards who did that to her. "I was the ashtray," is all she says, her lip trembling and her blue eyes pools of tears. This time I crush her to me, I don't care that her face is against my chest, against my scars, all I can see is Ana as a child, I can imagine how beautiful she was and to think that someone could stub out a cigarette in her belly button makes me want to be physically sick, the thought comes to me that if I had a child and someone was to do that to them, I would tear them apart, limb from limb with my bare hands.
It's with a ragged sob that I pull away from her and say "That's not the only scar is it? You mentioned your back, please let me see."
With tears streaming down her cheeks she shakes her head and says "I'm a bit of monster with my scars."
"You'll never be a monster Ana, the people who did this to you are monsters, I would never think that of you, you must know that." I plead, I will kiss every one of her scars if she shows me, I don't care about her scars, she is beautiful inside and out and the scars are simply proof that she is stronger than most, she is a survivor.
With her tears blinding her and her trembling hands she is having difficulty undoing the buttons on her top and I gently take her hands and place her hands back onto my hips and undo the buttons myself and she whispers "Are you ready? Can you lift me off the bed so that I'm standing?" she asks and I help her stand and she turns and shrugs off the top. For a second I see nothing but then realise that what I thought was the light shining off her back is a crisscross of thin scarring and then as I clench my fists and struggle to breathe, Ana surprises me by dropping her sleep shorts and my heart twists in agony.
"Oh Ana," is all I can say as I pull her into me.
The horrific scarring on her bottom tears at my insides, not because it looks bad but because the pain she must have endured is unmentionable. Three deep, very deep wounds from a caning that must have been sustained and brutal and repeated in the same spot, a caning that must have torn the skin and flesh underneath it so that it was unable to be repaired without leaving gaping scars, each more than a finger width wide.
"Did Morton do this to you?" and at her nod, I vow that I will do everything to make him pay, he will remember every time he sits down what he did to Ana. "And the crisscrosses on your back?" again she nods "What about the cigarette burns?" and she shakes her head.
"That was when Ray was away, when I was little, a whole sequence of men," and I can't stop the tremor through my body.
What she says next, in a voice that is still gulping tears, stops my heart and I feel ice course through my veins, "When I fell into your office, did you think you'd like to cane me like that?" and I crush her tighter to me horrified.
I can barely speak but manage to bark out "I would never do that to anybody, no-one deserves to be hit like that and Ana…." Then, as I comprehend that despite the horror of her wounds that she trusted me when I said I'd never hit her yet she knew that I'd hit brown haired girls before, "Baby, thank you for not pushing me away when you learnt that I have used canes, I can't believe that someone did that to you but secondly, I have never broken the skin with a cane. I have never caused pain beyond a sub's endurance, I had one sub who wanted extreme pain to get off and I terminated the contract after the very first night as there is no way I will ever do anything to mark the skin permanently." I don't want to stop talking in case Ana doesn't believe me so my words tumble out over each other "As soon as I saw your police report and the photos, although they had omitted those of your buttocks, I took all the canes and anything that could cause damage wielded incorrectly, out of the playroom. And please believe me, I have never wanted to hurt you. I admit, I did want to spank you for asking if I was gay."
Despite everything she giggle sobs "I wanted to spank myself after that foot in mouth malfunction."
"So no Baby, all I've ever wanted to do is love and protect you. From the minute our hands met, I felt the spark and I wanted you, granted I wanted you in my playroom but from the second you walked out of my office until Kate called, you completely filled my mind with a desire to know you that I have never felt with any other person. As soon as Kate called saying you were missing, my non-existent heart clenched and came to life, I needed to find you and when I did, I knew, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that you owned my heart already and there was no way I was ever going to hurt you." She nods, to indicate that she believes me and then shuffles out of my arms.
She reaches for her pants and I stop her and gently stand her up, I reach for her sleep pants, as I lift them into place, I place a kiss on the scars and she crumples, the flood gates opening as she stands there sobbing into her hands, I kiss her back and gather her up and lie back down with her, my body curled around hers, my arms around her, pulling her into me, her bare back against my bare chest, letting her cry it out and trying to absorb her pain as she has completely removed mine when I am with her.
My beautiful broken bird, so many scars, so much trauma and over so many years at the hands of others, right up until recently, mine was done by the time I was four and I was brought up in a loving home yet she still sees the good in people while I have pushed people away all my life.