"You have nothing to thank me for." He said, as he slipped his lightsaber back into its holster.
His words caught her off guard. Was he simply stating that he was not finished with her as of yet, or was he in some way apologizing to her for what he had put her through so far? She desperately hoped it was the second option, but decided to push her hopefulness to the back of her mind. It would do her no good to suddenly become optimistic.
"Hux would have done a lot worse to me if you had not shown up on time."
"That is none of my concern." He said, his voice falling flat once more.
"Then why did you come in here? Why not just let him hurt me?" She could feel her voice faltering as she once again forced herself to remember that he did not care about her. He was no longer her Ben. He was Kylo Ren now.
For a moment, he said nothing, and she thought he would simply walk out the door and leave her to fend for herself. Instead, he stepped towards her, his glove-covered hands reaching for the straps that held her in place. She flinched at his touch, a knee-jerk reaction to the last time he had hurt her. She was still unsure whether or not the cut from his lightsaber had been an accident. She had no desire to find out. It seemed, however, that he noticed her slight recoil, and he quickly pulled his hands away from her.
She was worried that she may have offended him in some way. She was mad at herself for failing to control her own impulse – but he awoke something in her; a primal instinct to protect herself while simultaneously only ever wanting to get closer to him. It was confusing and exhilarating at the same time. She needed to understand why she felt this way.
He stood in front of her for a long moment. She could feel him staring at her, even from under his mask. She felt that familiar desire to see his eyes, to be able to actually perceive what he was feeling instead of having to try and comprehend his intentions merely through his words.
"Will you answer my question?" She asked, trying to better understand the man in front of her. He was a mystery she still needed to unravel – much like the mysteries he always sought to undo when they were younger and in the midst of their adventurous phase of life.
He lifted both his hands to the sides of his helmet, and Cara recognized the gesture from the last time he had taken off his mask. She held her breath without even realizing in anticipation of seeing his face again. She needed to steel her nerves if she was going to hold her composure this time. The truth of who he used to be still affected her every instance he revealed his true identity to her once more.
His mask clicked, and then hissed, before he pulled it off of his head slowly. She traced every inch of his face with her gaze – a pang of sorrow going through her as once again appreciated how handsome he had become with age. He actually quite reminded her of his father – but he seemed to have his mother's eyes.
"Instinct." He said, refraining from saying anything more.
It took her a minute before she realized that this singular word was in response to her earlier question. Her heart fluttered at his statement – it did not matter if he said it without even realizing the consequence of his answer; he had protected her out of instinct. It was all she needed to hear. There was hope for him yet. Her earlier hesitation to believe that Ben was still inside of him somewhere was unfounded. She would keep trying to get through to him.
He stepped towards her once more, carefully placing his mask down on the small table stood next to her. The gentle action made a world of difference to her uneasiness around him, and it did not go unnoticed that the way he put his mask down this time was completely opposite to the way he had done it when he had first shown his true self to her. He had slammed it down then, angry at her for pushing him to his limits. It seemed this time, he was in a better mood.
After putting down the mask, he slowly pulled his gloves off each of his fingers – she had not seen Ren – Ben, without them on the entire time she had been on this ship. It was almost as though he was opening himself up to her, in the only way he knew how. By making himself more vulnerable.
Once the gloves were off and his slender, pale hands were visible to her, she instantly seemed to remember all the times he had held her hand in his; when they were running around the base, when he was trying to comfort her, when he simply did it without even thinking about it. Seeing his hands out in the open like this made her want to take hold of them once more. It was helpful then, that she was still trapped under the straps of the contraption she was resting against; she probably would not have been able to help herself.
Just as she had that thought, his hands moved towards her once more as he started working on the clasps that held the straps in place against her body. She shivered at his touch – a reflex that did not go unnoticed by Ren – and her breathing became shallower as she desperately thought of something to say to diffuse the tension she was undoubtedly feeling by herself. He did not seem phased by their proximity, and she felt a slight twinge of frustration at his apparent lack of sensitivity concerning their current situation.
After a few seconds, she was free, and the release of pressure from the confines of the straps made it easier for her to breathe again. She had expected him to step away from her, but instead, he remained quite close, and she could feel a tingling of excitement in the tips of her fingers and toes as she tried to think of something to say.
"You once told me you wanted to keep me safe." She said, trying to play into his emotions. He had not been receptive of her words the entire time she had been here, and she was hoping to get through to him now in this newly exposed state of his.
"Then perhaps that is the instinct I was reacting too." He said, his voice filled with an anguish she had not yet heard from him.
"Ben, please, tell me what it is you're thinking. I'd like to know. I'd like to know what you're going through right now."
It seemed that this was not the right choice of words. His eyes became much sharper, as if he was waking from a daydream, and he instantly stepped away from her. She did not back down, however. This may be the only fruitful chance she would have to get through to him.
"Ben, don't walk away from me. I just want to understand how you got here. I want to know the truth of your history."
She tried to appeal to his former self – the self that had a desperate desire to learn the background of everyone and everything he ever came across. The desire that Ben had had as child to understand all things that were happening around him and their cause. She had never had the same desire as strongly as he had, but she had it now. She needed to know what had happened to him. She longed to know what had happened to him.
"My name is not Ben." He said, repeating his mantra from their earlier encounters. There was less conviction to his words however, as if he was suddenly unsure of who he was or what he was even doing there.
"You once told me you would never hurt me. Keeping me in the dark is hurting me, Ben. I need to understand. I need you to take this pain away." She knew that he remembered his words, his promise, because he had seen it in one of her memories just a few weeks ago. She needed him to remember what those moments together had meant to him, just the same way she had finally given in and remembered what they had meant to her. The barricades around her memories and heart had broken down, and she wanted to take his down with them.
"You have no idea, the struggle I am faced with. You cannot help me." He said it as a fact, but it sounded more like a plea. A plea for her to let this go, so that he would hurt less, so that he could become who he supposedly wanted to be. A Sith Lord, a servant of the Dark Side. That was what he wanted. She was the one thing that seemed to stand in his way.
"You will always be Ben to me." She said, trying to reassure him that she spoke honestly. He may not heed her words right now, but he might, someday. If that day ever came, she would be there for him.
She noticed that his hand had moved to the hilt of his lightsaber once more, a nervous tick he seemed to do whenever he was in conflict with his own emotions. It was yet another reason for Cara to think there was some hope left. His fingers curled tightly around the cold metal, and she noticed the veins running the length of his hand straining against the confines of his pale skin.
She could tell that she pushed him too far as he reached around her to put his helmet back on once more. It seemed he was done with their conversation, done with having his emotions toyed with. She had said what she wanted to say however, and it was further than she had ever hoped to have come with him. She did notice that he had left his gloves off, something she took to mean that he felt he did not need to hide all of himself from her anymore.
He grabbed her arm, much like he had the last few times they had had a tense encounter. She noticed that he was careful not to grab her wound however, and his hand gripped her wrist instead, dangerously close to her hand. She hoped it was a conscious decision on his part – a part of him that wanted to be as close to her as much as she wanted to be close to him. She stretched her fingers as far as she could, and she was able to brush the underside of his hand lightly with her fingertips. She revelled in the touch, but he seemed not to have noticed. Either that, or he purposefully chose to ignore it, in which case, she still felt that she was having an effect on him.
"Injuring me with your lightsaber… was that done with intent or was it an accident?" She asked, surprised even by her own question.
He kept on walking, leading her back down to her cell. She thought he may not have heard her question, she had spoken it quite softly after all. After a few minutes, they were back at her quarters, and he gently nudged her inside before letting go of her wrist. Right before the door fell closed though, she heard him quietly mutter an answer to her surprising question.
"I don't know."
A/N: Once more, thank you for all the support! I will try to have a new chapter up by tomorrow night.