Christian's POV
"John, I don't know what happened." I say pacing up and down his room; my hands haven't been out of my hair for the last two hours. "This morning we shared the most amazing intimacy. Wait, let me start again. I haven't told you about Thursday or about Tuesday see, Ana's good for me when she's ok, she helps me get my shit together, normally I would have been in here earlier in the week and probably should have come to see you."
"Christian, do you mind, can you start at the beginning please? I have a feeling that whatever has you this agitated didn't just start today." John says calmly, while I'm frustrated that I can't seem to string a coherent sentence together.
"Well, on Tuesday, Ana said something that sent me into a sulking tailspin for two days, when I finally came to my senses and spoke to her, she explained what she had said and it was about wanting to be part of a family and I realised I had it all wrong. Anyway, I carried her up to bed and as I went to snuggle in next to her, she slid her hand under my shirt against my chest and… and … I hit her. I was appalled by the fact that I hit her and scared her but Ana unbelievably understood that it was a residual fear trigger response and nothing to do with her." I'm still amazed at how perceptive Ana is and John just nods.
"Anyway, on Wednesday I apologised for all my stupidity by way of spending the afternoon on Bainbridge Island with her and gave her some gifts which she actually accepted despite her reticence in accepting anything of value from me and everything was beautiful, just simply fantastic. We ….. um," and I can't believe I feel embarrassed talking to John when I have been quite explicit with him in the past "We had several moments in the elevator that, ah, um, would be classified as, dammit, if she wasn't in a cast, I would have taken her." I finish in a rush and John looks at me with something close to a smirk.
I choose to ignore his facial expression and continue, "On Thursday Ana told me she wants to do her exams on Monday, this Monday because she doesn't feel like she deserves the degree she will be receiving on Wednesday if she doesn't. I was going to forbid her doing any such stupid thing and then she broke down, saying the other reason is that she wants to go stay in her apartment one last time to say goodbye to the life that was stolen from her. How could I refuse her after that?"
"Ah, I see. And you still feel that you are somehow responsible for this?" John asks and I nod, he's right, I still do.
"Anyway, I agreed and said I would organise it and I have but that's not the issue, at least, I don't think it is. The important thing is what happened today, what I have said so far is just context for today and I hope you can help. Last night I wanted to help Ana in the shower but she wouldn't let me, this morning, I accidentally touched her back and she reacted, actually she did on Wednesday too, on Wednesday she had a full blown panic attack when I accidentally touched her back as well."
"So she has issues with touch too?" John says incredulously.
"And with reason, she …" and my voice breaks "She…. Her mother allowed men to not only beat her up but also put out their cigarettes in her belly button, she doesn't have a belly button, she, she just has a huge scar. Oh my god John, her cigarette burn is worse than all mine put together and there is no mention of this in any police report or anything. Worse and so much worse, is Ana's back, her back itself doesn't look bad but if you look closely, you can see faint cane scars criss-crossing her entire back, this was mentioned in the police report and you remember the photos. What wasn't mentioned were the three massive scars on her buttocks, the caning she must have endured to create scars that are each as wide as my finger, John my heart broke, Morton was an absolute savage when he attacked her." And I have to stop and take a breath as the horror of seeing those scars and imagining the pain hits me again.
"Long story short, I discovered all this, this morning and all my issues disappeared out the window when I saw those scars and I just pulled her in against me to comfort her as she broke down and we fell back asleep, her bare back against my bare front." I stop to allow him to get his head around that fact and I can see him look both proud and troubled.
"Well, that's a massive leap for you." He says nodding, "How does that make you feel?"
"John, she is the most amazingly brave person I have ever met and she's funny and she's kind and she's strong and god she's beautiful and when we woke up again, she was teasing me and I .. took our relationship to the next level." I pause for John's brain to catch up.
"I…, ah…, I can't believe this is so hard to say to you. I gave her an orgasm, I know she's not ready or able to have sex but she needed it, I needed it to be honest too, to see her so satisfied makes waiting all the time we will have to wait, all the more worthwhile, especially when she said it was her first one."
I pinch the bridge of my nose, wondering whether I should disclose the next fact and think he needs to know "John, I asked her if she'd ever pleasured herself and she said, "No-one else loved me, why would I," it's just not fair, this world is just not fair. Why does bad shit always happen to good people?"
I walk around the room as I try and clear my head, "Anyway, everything was going well all day, then the physio came, validly questioned Ana about doing the exams and I said I had it all under control, I can make sure that she is physically supported up there, during the exams and if something happens I can have her evacuated. The physio indicated Ana should have the approval of the doctor which is Mom and then she left saying she thought Ana was brave, because she is, everyone can see it except her."
John nods and I continue, "After the physio left and I told Ana the plans for tomorrow when we fly up and well, it was at this point that Ana became all quiet. She agreed with all my plans, didn't disagree and just sort of became muted, when I carried her down and sat with her, she withdrew completely into herself. She's only withdrawn like that once before but not so bad, when I bought those chairs that she thought were a waste of money. When Mom came, it was obvious Ana was upset and pleading with Mom to let her go do her exams and Mom said she'd never stand in the way of her dreams and Ana started crying and since I had no idea what was going on, Mom smartly sent me off to organise a cup of tea."
I have sat down now as I can feel myself trembling from the fear I felt two hours ago, "When I came back, Ana was having a panic attack saying ""I'm sorry Christian, I can't do this to you. I can't, Christian, I can't. It's not fair on you." and even Mom couldn't get through to her, she had to sedate her, John it was awful, what is going on? I don't know what is wrong, what have I done? What can't she do to me? She makes me feel alive like I have never felt before, what does she think she's doing to me other than make me a better man? Mom says that whatever is going on has nothing to do with me but everything to do with how she sees herself but I can't shake the thought that I've done something to make her feel bad, what have I done, it was such a beautiful morning?"
"Christian, have you ever wondered how she has remained remarkably composed given everything that has happened to her recently? Yes, she had that big breakdown last Saturday but really most people would have still been connected to all sorts of monitors in the hospital and just wanting to heal. You know she shouldn't have survived the accident and very nearly didn't. She on the other hand appears to have been handling you as well as all her own issues, putting on a brave face but she's dealing with major losses here and she hasn't grieved anything yet."
He looks to see if I am following, "Normally, this week of a university student's life is one of celebration and moving on, there are certain things that happen, like going out and getting drunk after the last exams, packing up uni accommodation, saying goodbye to those transient friends you've made that you may never see again, saying goodbye to the last part effectively of your childhood, you've finished studying and it's time to be a grown up, a proper adult. You missed all that given that you dropped out and weren't living a typical student's life anyway." Well, yes, he's right I was being fucked over by Elena; I certainly wasn't leading a normal student's life at all.
John continues, "I'm sure there's some aspect of grief at missing all that and given all the loss in her life, her health at the moment, her mother in custody still and all the revelations that came from that, which unfortunately must have put a nail in the coffin of the dream that perhaps one day life would be normal for her with a 'present' mother and father and for the perpetrator of the major scarring in her life to be someone that her mother was consorting with, must have added to her trauma."
He stops and looks at me and says "And another thing, what often happens is that someone is completely used to looking out for themselves and holds everything together until someone says to them with concern, "Are you ok?" and then they realise that they aren't and they fall apart, maybe there's an aspect of that because you are looking out for her and she's not used to that."
I nod perhaps that's it and he continues, "As to why she thinks she is doing something to you, I don't know, is she feeling overwhelmed by something, you said it happened after you said what you would do."
"John, I'd give her the world but she doesn't want it, she hates me spending money on her, I just said I'd evacuate her out if it was necessary, what was bad about that? Can you come and speak to her? She should wake up soon and I need to be there when she does, I can't guarantee her safety and I'm not comfortable with her waking up alone." I'm not above pleading and I want to be there for Ana.
"Yes, Christian, let's go, I can speak to Rhian on the way, however, my impact may not be significant in one session although I will do my best to help right now. Think of all the therapy you have had, I don't think Ana has had any and you keep finding more damage that has been done to her, the dam wall can only be breached so many times before it breaks, unfortunately, we might be seeing that break soon. At this point we are going to be simply putting corks in to stop the leaks until some major work can be done but I'll be there for her, and you, unfortunately, I think this is going to be as tough on you as it is her."
"I just want her to be able to talk to someone, let it out, something is going on in that pretty head and it's not right, you need to make her understand she'll never be a burden to me, she is the light to my dark …"
"Christian, I can't make her understand anything, she has to come to realise it herself but I will help her, I can't have both of you with self-loathing, I might end up joining you."
It doesn't take long to get back to Escala and I leave John in the great room and make my way to the bedroom and Gail looks relieved to see me, "She might be waking up soon, she's starting to move, she's still upset," she whispers to me and I'd swear she is tearing up.
"Thank you Gail," I whisper back and it isn't until later that I realised that I called her Gail and ponder the significance, Ana is changing me without even trying, my estimation of Gail was always high but it has skyrocketed with her care and concern for Ana.
I close the door, switch off the monitor and slide in next to Ana, taking her in my arms, I want her to wake up feeling loved, my heart constricts when she tosses and would have turned if not for the cast and equipment and I hear her mumbling, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I'm just like my mother, I'm no good for him, I just keep taking. I'm a user just like her. He's better off without me."
How can she think that? I feel like a knife has been stabbed through my heart and is being twisted with each whisper, I am nothing without her, she is my reason for living now, all I did before was exist and all she has done is give and give, yet she thinks she's taking. What has she taken? She has barely accepted any gift that I have given her and all I have done is effectively provide her medical care which she would have received in hospital anyway. She is nothing like her mother, how can she think she's like her?
I want to leave her for a second so that I can speak to John but when I start to withdraw my arm, I hear what sounds like a whimper and I can't do it, so I reach carefully reach into my pocket and pull out my phone, I quickly text John in the next room what she just said in her sleep to give him a notion of what is going through her head and then I make sure my phone is on silent before his reply text comes through with "She's scared of repeating a pattern… sound familiar?" Smart arse!
I need to wake her to speak to John and so that she can have her dinner, otherwise she'll end up sleeping on an empty stomach. "Hey wakeup, sleepy," I say as I gently shake her and she grumbles. I have to smile; Ana does like her sleep and really doesn't like to be woken. I have figured that much out so far, it's one thing at least that I have figured out. So I gently blow in and then nibble her ear and she swats at me and then opens her eyes a crack to see me smiling at her "Hello Gorgeous"
"Hrmph"
"Wake up, it's time for dinner" I say gently and she opens her eyes wide and makes to push herself up.
"What day?" The panic is evident in her voice.
"Hey steady up, it's Saturday. You don't think I'd make you sleep through until dinnertime tomorrow?" I say concerned as she shrugs I say, "Honey, I have a "thing" about people missing meals, there's no way I'd let you miss three meals even if you did need the sleep."
I feel I have to address the elephant in the room and I say as I pull her into my lap, "Besides, by this time tomorrow, we'll be in Portland, you don't think I'd let you miss that?"
I brush the hair out of her eyes and I can't stand the pain I can see, "Baby, I'm not going anywhere, you are not pushing me away because of some misguided belief. I love you, please understand that, I want you to be happy, this is killing me, please don't turn away from me." I don't want to make this about me but if she thinks she's bad for me, I need her to understand that she is wrong. "You have been amazing for me, you're everything I need, you are changing me for the better, please believe me, you give me a reason to live, not just exist, please see that."
To prove my point, I pick up her hand which is sitting listlessly in her lap and nudge my t-shirt open and push her hand inside, she instinctively balls it up and stops it touching me. "Loosen up baby and touch me" I say looking straight into her eyes, I am not going to hide anything, if it still scares me, she'll see it but I know I'm not scared of her touch and so she tentatively places her fingertips on my abs and I don't flinch, in fact I smile at her. "I think I'm ready for that chocolate sauce" I say to lighten the mood but it doesn't work this time and the shutters come down.
"Baby, look at me," and I wait until she does, "Move your hand up to my heart, right over one of the scars." She looks positively scared but eventually does it, "Don't be scared, see I trust you, you have my heart in your hand and there is no-one and I mean no-one else in the world that has touched me there and not been knocked out. Please believe me that I will do anything to make you feel better. Will you talk to me about what is upsetting you? I can't bear to see you like this." She turns in to me and shakes her head as she places her face into my shoulder, her hand still on my heart, at least she isn't moving it, I am too scared to do anything other than hold her tight and hope that I am providing some sort of comfort.
"If you can't talk to me, I have brought John Flynn home so that you can talk to him, would you rather do that?" I ask, hoping that it won't upset her more and she continues huddling into me but eventually she nods and I kiss the top of her head.
"Dinner first Gorgeous Girl then I can stay with you or I can leave you with John, which ever you want."
"Can I talk to him now so that he can go home to his wife and kids?"
"Honey, for once I want you to think about yourself, he is happy to have dinner here and then talk or speak to you and then eat or just go home after, entirely up to you but I don't want you upset and not eating."
"Now."
"Now?
"Yes Now"
"Ok, but I'd like you to eat first."
"Now, I want to see him now, I don't want to upset another person's life too, his kids shouldn't miss out on him because of me."
Although I don't like the implication that she is messing up anyone's life, I can see glimpses of my Ana, the one that doesn't like taking direction and being told what to do so I start to breathe easier, "One John Flynn coming up then, wait here" and it's a tired smile, but a smile nonetheless as she withdraws her hand to allow me to move and I catch and kiss her finger tips before setting her back on the bed.
I go to Taylor's office to turn on the monitor and just watch with him, I stop the sound feed, I won't breach Ana's confidence, it would be wrong to listen as I'd hate anyone to listen into one of my sessions with John but I need to make sure that Ana is ok physically and if there is any sign of a panic attack, I am going to be there.
Thankfully, despite what seems like an early reticence to speak and some tears that she dashes with the back of her hand, they speak for an hour and she finally nods and looks exhausted but not so flat and John starts to leave the room which is my cue to return.
When I again offer that he stay for dinner, he says with a smile, "I think Ana would prefer I went home to my own family and since I know that Rhian happened to have a roast on tonight, this time I'll skip it, but thank you."
As we walk to the elevator, he quietly adds under his breath so that only I can hear him, "I think she'll be fine for the next few days but watch for the exhaustion on Wednesday, after the thrill of receiving the degree, there may be a sharp downturn. Can I suggest a session on Thursday or Friday? Perhaps both of you should have a session, either here or in the office. I have given Ana my number in case she wants to call and please impress on her as I tried to, that she should call me at any time if everything is becoming too much, each of these episodes is setting her recovery back days, hopefully she understands that now."
I thank him profusely for spending his time with Ana and make my way back quickly, the wan smile welcoming me doesn't fill me with confidence but I'm hoping that dinner and a decent night's sleep will be enough to carry Ana through what is going to be a difficult Sunday.
Gail looks happier as she fusses over Ana, our plates full of her beautiful spaghetti and meatballs, salad and herb bread between us and the promise of a light dessert to finish off.
We manage dinner in companionable silence and as Ana looks like she is about to fall asleep, I apologise to Gail for not eating the dessert and carry Ana upstairs. When it's time to sleep she shyly turns to me and says "Thank you for organising Dr Flynn, could you just lie with me for a little bit so that I can go to sleep?" There's no hesitation on my part and she is asleep within minutes, holding my hand over her chest and it takes all my strength to leave the room, there's no other place I'd rather be than curled around Ana.
Thankfully, once I do make it back to bed, Ana's nocturnal mutterings are either non-existent or not upset so I sleep peacefully, waking before 6am and thinking of the sunrise but then I look at Ana and know there is nothing more beautiful than her to wake up to, so I roll over and release the hitch. She immediately rolls to the left and I wind myself around her, holding her tight and am rewarded by a relaxation of her back into my body and her hand holding mine she pulls close to her heart so that I can feel her steady beat and our hearts synchronise. I smile as I fall asleep again.
Sunday 22 May 2011
Ana is terse with me all day but this time I know exactly why, she is stressing about the exams and so I just keep her supplied with tea and chocolate, the latter being a special request which resulted in five different boxes piled onto her table and me receiving an exasperated look. The extremely chocolaty thank you kiss disturbed me from my work for the next hour as the remnants tantalised my mouth and a neck massage an hour later earns me a second chocolaty kiss and I decide I might as well give up and go organise what I am bringing to Portland as I have no hope of thinking straight after that.
The day continues until after a shower where she still does not allow me in but I am not pushing anything today, much bigger issues are at play and I have the small surprise of how we are flying to Portland to get through first. I hope she doesn't react badly.
As we leave the apartment, the look of surprise on Ana's face is priceless when the elevator moves upward instead of down. "Where's it going, I thought you lived at the top in the penthouse?" is all she says and then her mouth is a perfect O as the elevator opens to the rooftop and she sees the helicopter sitting there.
"A helicopter?" and she swivels her head towards me.
"Ana, meet Charlie, Charlie Tango, meet Ana" I say and Ana looks around confused until I point to the helicopter and she smiles.
"Pleased to meet you Charlie," and finally she laughs, "I can't believe I'm talking to a helicopter! Why Charlie Tango?"
"It's my initials CTG Christian Trevelyan-Grey, the full name is Charlie Tango Golf.
I strap her into the seat making sure that her leg is supported and her body isn't about to move, as I back away she says, "Where's the pilot?" and looks confused at my grin.
"You're looking at him," and I can't help but have a proud smile on my face.
"Proud, much?" she says with an answering grin, "How very exciting, my boyfriend can fly a helicopter!" and to hear her say "my boyfriend" makes my grin nearly break my face in two and I lean in and thoroughly kiss her, her hands in my hair leave no doubt that she thinks it's sexy too.
"Woah, I need to concentrate now and we have a strict flight plan to adhere to, so I need you to stay in your seat," ok, the joke is getting lame now, "Put on your cans" I point at the headphones, "and enjoy the flight."
"You really do know what you're doing?" Ana's voice comes through my headphones as I complete the pre-flight checks.
I have to laugh, "Ana, I've been a fully qualified pilot for four years and there is no way I'd risk you if I wasn't 100% confident in my abilities, here in the helicopter you are completely safe."
I can feel Ana's spirits lifting as we rise above Seattle and she gasps at the view but keeps quiet until we are well clear of the buildings, the smile on her face is infectious. "It's beautiful isn't it?" and she nods enthusiastically. "It's even better flying at dusk, first as the sun is setting and then as the lights start twinkling, Seattle is stunning flying into it at night."
"You are very good at this, do you enjoy it as much as you look like you're enjoying it?" Ana asks and I am sure I must have some sort of idiotic grin on my face, and yes I enjoy it but what I am enjoying more at this moment is the fact that she is looking happy and her eyes are full of excitement.
"I love it, it requires control and concentration, the views are magnificent and quite frankly, I feel free up here," I am brutally honest, "But not as free as when I am soaring."
"Soaring?" she looks so cute as she looks questioningly at me, "That's gliding isn't it? You mentioned it the other day when you said I couldn't go skiing."
"Yes, soaring, otherwise known as gliding, with no engine and having to rely entirely on yourself, it really does feel like you are flying. I fly gliders and helicopters and am working on my pilot's licence for a plane." I say happily although some sort of shadow seems to pass over her face at that last statement, I reach out and she allows me to grab her hand and I squeeze it. "You'll have to come soaring with me once you're better, I'm sure you'll love it. Don't you wish you could fly?" It's the shyest nod but I see it and then let her go so that I can concentrate on flying and in no time at all we are flying down to the helipad in Portland. I am loathe to leave our little bubble in the sky as it was lovely to see the life in Ana that I haven't often seen, I can't wait until she is healthy, I have a feeling that she has more than a little adventurous spirit in her and we'll have fun if she lets us. From the fact that she mentioned the skiing and that I wasn't going to allow her to do it, I know she will be up to doing some of the things I enjoy and I look forward to that time.
I bound out of the helicopter feeling on top of the world for two reasons, firstly, Ana called me her boyfriend, no-one has ever called me their boyfriend and it surprisingly makes me feel good, I belong somewhere, secondly, she's talking about things into the future which means hopefully she's not thinking of ending things any time soon.
When I unstrap her and she puts her arms around my neck and tilts her head up for a kiss, I feel my heart bursting with happiness and she is left in no doubt that I adore her, when I pull away relunctantly, she looks thoroughly kissed and I hope feels as loved as I feel in this moment. I gently flick some hair out of her eyes and calm down by placing a tender kiss on her forehead and she closes her eyes but thankfully the smile stays on her lips and I lift her out of the helicopter and head to the building with her in arms. As we approach, old Joe comes out to meet me with a smile on his face, which turns into an even bigger one after Ana's shy greeting, his eyes flicking happily between us as he asks about the flight and notes my instructions for the next few days.
Thankfully the elevator in the helipad building is working as it seems to spend a lot of time out of order, something I have discovered every time I have flown up for meetings at WSU. Taylor is waiting at the bottom with the SUV and we are on the way to Ana's apartment in no time and I can feel the tension rise as we drive closer.
Elliot came down with Taylor and Gail earlier and is standing at the door when we arrive, he immediately takes Ana from my arms and spins her around in a hug to my annoyance but she laughs and it breaks the ice with Miss Kavanagh who still regards me with suspicion but leaps up to hug Ana until I cough and she lets go with a little apologetic "Sorry".
Dinner with Kate and Elliot has us all laughing and Ana relaxing until she thinks about the fact she has the exams tomorrow and suggests that she'd like to go to bed and indicates the direction to her bedroom. I'm not surprised to find it a tiny room, functional but cozy with sparse white wicker furniture and a white iron double bed with a pale blue and cream patchwork quilt.
"Sorry Christian, it's less than the size of your closet" and I shrug.
"I couldn't care less about the size of the room as long as I am in it with you." I say with all honesty, "This is a nice" I say, touching the quilt on her bed.
"That quilt was made by my mother, it was when she was in a folksy American quilting phase, it was the only time she made something for me." And I remove my hand like I have received an electric shock. "You can't catch evil from it Christian, it's actually quite warm and it allowed me to dream that one day I would love a child and make them a quilt but …. but they wouldn't need a quilt to know that I loved them, because I would tell them and show them and actually love them, they would know I loved them, I'd never let them be hurt, never leave them alone..." and her voice breaks.
"Oh Baby, you'll make a great mother," I say, my voice catching in my throat as I hold her tight in my arms comforting her, I've always shied away from the idea of being a father but with Ana, the idea doesn't seem so bad.