Christian's POV
"Hi Kate, yes deliver them to our apartment, yes with yours….. Uh huh…. No, I don't know….. Ok, see you Sunday … yes, thank you…. Oh, no…. I'd forgotten, thanks, I'll look at them now. Bye, love you." Ana says and then starts rummaging in her bag without looking at me, she finds and opens two envelopes squealing as she does so.
I don't care about those envelopes, her conversation with Kate has chilled me to the bone, "Ana, when you said "our apartment" to Kate what did you mean? Did you mean here?" and I know my voice is deceptively quiet but my heart is racing as I try to bring my panic under control.
"No I meant her Pike Place apartment, I assume that once I don't need this much medical attention anymore, then you'd want me to be moving out and we'd be having a more normal relationship," Ana says with a little v in her forehead as she looks at me.
"But what about us, what about the fact that …." Oh god, I can feel myself start to hyperventilate and lose control, she doesn't want me after all, is she right in what she was saying the other night? Is she really just using me?
"Christian. Christian! Look at me." Her concerned voice finally cuts through my panic, "Don't you run on me, I'm sorry, I assumed you'd want that. We need to talk." As I look at her, I can see the worry in her eyes and I remember back to the hospital.
"If my memory serves me, 'we need to talk' is never a good statement in a relationship, or so you told me once before," I say trying for a touch of humour and I see her shoulders relax a little.
"We need to talk about your need to run whenever something gets hard with me, is that what you've always done? I thought you were all about control?" she finally says after taking a shaky breath, I guess my face must have shown my panic, "But you just looked at me like I was as repulsive as Jose said I'd be and wanted me out of here."
I groan, as I say, "I assumed the worst, I always do, it is my default position, people use me and then they leave me, they always have." And even to myself that sounds pathetic but that's how it feels and that's what it sounded like to me, I can't help the wounded tone when I ask, "Why don't you want to stay here?"
"Christian, I don't know what I want, it's not that I don't want to be with you or be here because it's lovely and you are everything I have ever wanted and more, I want you, it's just that I've never done this before and I don't want to be my mother." As I start to say that she isn't her mother, she puts up her hand and says, "Listen and please try to understand where my head is coming from."
She takes a deep breath to steady herself, "What she'd do was meet a man and be rushing straight into a relationship, being absorbed into that person until it all fell apart, often apparently because of me, then we'd be homeless again until she found someone else to move in with and the cycle started again. I just,…. I just don't want to be her. I want to have my own place so that I am not dependent on you. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet, figuratively, well, hell, I'd like to be able to do that literally too. I know damn well you have been neglecting your businesses while I have been here and I know you have to get back to them and the hours that you work, I'll be alone here but in the other apartment I'll have Kate once she gets back from her holiday."
She pauses to take a breath, wincing as she does so, "I just can't keep taking Christian, I can't, I just don't work that way, this is killing me, my universe is completely out of whack. I know that it sounds selfish after everything you've done for me but I just don't know how to do this, I am more clueless than you about relationships."
I can't stand it, the tears are running down her cheeks silently as she implores me to understand but as I reach to pick her up she stops me with her hands on both forearms, "What did you used to do before I came along when others did something that was out of your control, how would you bring your universe back into equilibrium?"
Oh great, we are going to have this discussion now when I am fragile and she is distraught, this is going to end well!
"Before you, I was all about control, I'd have a sub in here so fast that her nose would almost bleed and then I would get myself back in control by controlling her, bring her to the edge of her endurance, by doing that I would have to control myself and her and things would right themselves, I would then be able to think clearly."
Sadly she says, "And you can't do that with me so we really are doomed aren't we?"
"No. No! God no, Ana! I don't need that with you. You can't give up on us already, what do I have to do to show you that even though I don't have control when anything concerns you, I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to not lose you? What do I have to do to prove to you that you are all I'll ever need?"
"What did you do with all these women? How many were there anyway?" she says in a small voice like she really doesn't want to know but desperately needs to know and I don't want to say something that is going to scare her away even more. As I try to think how I am going to tell her, she says, "Are you going to tell me what you used to do or is it going to bring back such good memories that you'll be ushering me out the door to Kate's apartment, that I have no attachment to, but thought was a smart idea."
"Can I hold you please?" I need to hold her, she grounds me and I can see she's shaking. After the tiniest nod, I pick her up and carry her over to the couch in front of the fire and wrap a blanket around her and then hold her tight against me so that she can feel my heart beating against her arm and hopefully won't do something to break it.
"Firstly, you have to know that everything I ever did with any girl was done consensually; I always followed very strict rules of what was allowed and what was not allowed both by them and me. There were only ever 15 subs and none ever came into my bedroom, I never slept with them, there's a bedroom upstairs that was set up for them. I provided everything for them while they were under agreement and I let them keep everything when they left whether those things were cars, clothes, jewellery, rent on their apartments, everything."
"Were they in it to get those things? Why did they leave?" she asks.
"Mostly because I asked them to leave, they'd get too close, they started wanting to be more and I was not ready for more, I didn't want more, I've never wanted "more" with anyone other than you. I have never been romantic, I don't know how to be a hearts and flowers man.."
"Well you do it very well" she says under her breath.
"Ana, I've never wanted to do hearts and flowers for anyone, I didn't have feelings for any of those girls, they were just a means of fulfilling a need, it wasn't just the sex," and I feel her quiver under my arms and know she's worried about that, "it was my need to control, to control something so that I could regain my position of control. I'm not saying it wasn't pleasurable but it was always a means to an end."
"How do I know that your care for me isn't just another version of control and when I'm better, you won't want me anymore as you'll have lost that control" she says quietly and I am floored again at how she is able to think through a situation. "Because every time I indicate that I am thinking of doing something that isn't in your control, you fall apart on me, assume the worst and look like you're going to run away like last week."
"No, it's not that, it's really not that." Well, I hope not, she might have a point, "It's not." I say, in an effort to calm myself down and think this through.
"Could you start at the beginning and tell me how this came about? How the evil pedo-bitch used you, you've said but once you decided to take control, how did it happen, you can't go from being on the receiving end of that sort of treatment and simply start dishing it out or did you?" it's a resigned tone, and I don't understand what that means but I know that I have one chance to explain this now and hopefully she'll not want to leave once she knows.
"I walked out of Elena's house and I went back to Harvard, my parents didn't even know I was in town, I was just there to be worked over by Elena, anyway, I left, vowing I would never sub again, no-one would be able to humiliate or break me again. I knew I had to learn to be a Dom so I worked my way through a number of BDSM clubs until a couple of experienced subs said they wouldn't keep subbing for me if I continued to be so uncaring and hateful."
I pause as I remember, "I was shocked as I'd only been doing to them what Elena had done to me so I listened to them and learnt what it was like to care for a sub and I could see that they were enjoying it, the submission wasn't a negative thing, they weren't being embarrassed or humiliated, they were taking what they needed which was to hand over control for a while, have someone else make the decisions, enjoying the lavish treatment, the being pushed to the edge of pleasure, using a little pain to increase the level of pleasure, whatever they needed I could provide and if I couldn't, I'd go away and think about it and come back and provide it."
I rub my hand across my eyes wishing I didn't have to discuss this but I assume it is helping Ana to understand, "I continued the harsh treatment of Elena when she subbed for me because that was what she liked but as I was learning, I treated the subs with more and more care until I figured out a formula that worked for me and for the girls. By then I'd started to become known in the business world and realised that I should start being careful about my liaisons and I relied on Elena for a little while but I was starting to tire of what she desired, it didn't seem right to treat anyone like that and she realised I was changing and started organising girls for me, some lasted for a while. Some were gone within a week, I couldn't be with someone that enjoyed extreme pain, I prefer to provide extreme pleasure and control the girl's body so that she experiences pleasure at and beyond her perceived threshold of enjoyment, employing a bit of pain in that. The only other pain being from punishments received for infractions of the rules and for doing things I consider rude.."
"Like?" it was quiet but I heard it.
"Like rolling your eyes"
"So you've wanted to punish me a lot already?"
"For rolling your eyes and your smart mouth, you would normally have incurred a number of punishments, yes" I agree but at her gasp and fearful expression, I quickly amend "but you were never a sub, I could only apply the punishments after they had been agreed upon, I would never arbitrarily punish. I would go through a contract with the sub and everything would be agreed, hard limits, soft limits, safe words, punishment infractions.."
"What are safe words?"
"There are usually two safe words that I typically use Yellow and Red. 'Yellow' would be used to indicate that the sub is at the limit of endurance and I need to stop and change what I am doing and 'Red' would be to say stop immediately, no further demands can be tolerated. It's very rare and the Dom has pushed too far if the sub says 'Red'." Ana shudders as I say this and I don't want to think what is going through her mind.
"What.. what are hard and soft limits?"
"Would it help if I showed you a contract?" and at her mute nod, I lift her onto the couch and collect a contract from my office, looking at her as I walk back, folded in on herself I worry that she's doing her shrinking away routine just before a breakdown and I can't have her do that again.
"Honey we don't have to do this, I want you healthy, this doesn't relate to you, you look like you're going to have another breakdown, and each one sets back your recovery, remember what Dr Flynn said."
"I'm ok, I need to understand."
"I am not going to have a contract with you, I've broken absolutely every rule I've ever had with any other woman simply because I want to be with you. Please don't bother yourself with my past, it is the past, even I can grow and change and I have in the last two weeks, please believe me."
"It's just two weeks, you have been doing this for more than twelve years, the odds are stacked against me." She says quietly, resting her chin against her chest and not looking at me.
I lift up her chin so that she's looking at me, "See, that's where you're wrong. You have managed to do what no-one has been able to do since I was four years old and that is touch me, lie against my naked chest, touch me where no-one ever has. You have a healing touch and you have given me more than twelve years of impersonal sex has ever given me." At the impersonal sex statement she shrinks a little.
"Yes, my control evaporates around you because I don't know what you are going to say or do, everyone else has always followed my commands but you, you are refreshing and loving and you accept me as I am and question me where no-one else has ever dared. You exude goodness and you have shown me more even in your completely disabled state than anyone else ever has, you have made my heart beat again. You give me cause to dream of a future that isn't full of tedium and work but shared experiences." I can feel her trembling in my arms and I don't know what that means, so I gently rub her arms under the blanket, and attempt to calm her down.
"Show me the contract please?" and I hand it to her, feeling like I am handing the axe to the executioner.
"Ugh, really? That needed to be written down." She says with horror pointing "Actually any of that?"
"Well, those are things I wouldn't do after I had them done to me by Elena." And her gasp is pained as she looks at me with tears in her eyes.
"Why on earth did you stay friends with her Christian?" at my shrug she continues "I can't believe that she did that to you and still had that much control over you that you stayed, the power of sex…."
"And touch Anastasia, it was a type of touch, I craved to be touched but couldn't be…. That's why I want you to understand, you are not like anyone that I've ever met, part of the reason I did all this was to have some human physical interaction and look at us, my preferred place for you is on my lap leaning against my chest, in my arms, curled up next to me in bed, your naked back against my naked chest. I am gaining so much more from our non-sexual relationship than I ever gained from these other relationships, if you could even call them that, they were contractual relationships where I did things to others and managed to get off. So unsatisfying and so unfulfilling, it's why I hadn't had a sub for three months before you fell into my office. I was just jack of it all."
Then a thought flashes across Ana's face and she sits up straight, "Where did you do all this if you say no other woman has been in your bedroom and that they slept upstairs, you didn't do it out here?" and the look of revulsion as she looks at the white couch actually makes me laugh and she looks affronted.
"Sorry, honey, no definitely not out here, I have a playroom upstairs, ah, I haven't even given you a tour of the whole apartment, would you like to do that?"
"Wait, actually, no can we do that later, we still need to talk. What do you need? Do you need to learn a new way of maintaining mental control?"
"Yes, I guess I do." I concede, I have and will maintain my ability to control in business but what am I going to do about making sure that Ana is safe and happy, those are the two areas that I have the most lack of control and they are now more important to me than anything else.
"I just need to know you're safe and happy," I say and she laughs.
"Christian, I am not always going to be happy, life doesn't work out that way and I know how to look after myself when I'm not in this broken up state." I don't want to think of her being sad and I really don't want to be the cause of that and decide to change the topic.
"Speaking of which, this bent leg cast is supposed to be off by now and if you hadn't decided on the exams, you'd have it off by now. You need to have x-rays to see how the bones are healing and then you should be onto the straight leg weight bearing cast for two weeks if the x-rays come back clear, Mom said she'll meet us at the hospital this afternoon and then if all that is ok, in another two weeks you'll be in the short leg walking cast or fracture cast for another month or two." I say, remembering Mom's conversation.
"Oh well, I guess that will give us time to work things out and it will make it easier for me to go to work, I have two interviews on Monday and so with the long leg cast off, I'll be able to start in two weeks if they ask."
"What do you mean you're going to work, you're not healed yet?" I almost shout incredulously at her.
"Calm down, the job opportunities won't be there if I leave them, I will hopefully be up and about on crutches within a week or two so I can start my job and not be such a leach," she says defiantly.
"Have I ever called you a leach?" I question through clenched teeth.
"No but you don't have to call me anything, surprisingly it's not always about you, it's how I feel inside." It is said quietly but firmly and with the set of her jaw, she isn't backing away.
"But I can't let you. You need to be safe. You are still not well."
"Yes but one day I will be. And in the meantime you need to go back to work, I will be fine, I will not be responsible for your business going down the gurgler."
"Aargh. You are so going to be the death of me, I can't put a cogent thought together and I am not used to having to consider what someone might think that I might think that I might mean. I want you safe and happy. Is that too much to ask?"
"Well, you know what? Why don't you deal with the safe bit and I'll deal with the happy? What do you expect me to do? Sit here in your apartment? Pray tell, what were all the years at university, struggling to pay the rent and eat and all of the years of study actually for, if all I do is sponge off you? I want to work, I have always worked and I want to do something that I think I will enjoy. Do you go to work because you enjoy it or because someone tells you to? Come on, put yourself in my shoes and see if you'd like it. It's not about you, this is about me. I am me and I need to stay me."
Oh a fired up Ana is gorgeous and perhaps just perhaps she has a point.
She stops for a breath, starts to open the top of her shirt and with her chest heaving with emotion, I am mesmerised and then she points, "Look, look over my heart, what do I wear? What did you give me and promise? Please remember, you are not going to keep me in a gilded cage. I want to be with you but I will go to work and we will work out where I live."
Well, I am known for taking advantage of any opportunity so I choose to stop the conversation by leaning forward and nuzzling between her breasts and after her surprised gasp she leans into me and I work my way up her throat and to her lips. Mine, hungry on hers, my hands behind her back and hers on my chest and then as she responds, they move up into my hair and she tugs it as she deepens the kiss, moaning into my mouth, her tongue lapping mine and my brain explodes.
And suddenly it's clear. She loves me, I know she wants me, she's smart, she's a survivor, and she's me in a smaller package but with a bigger heart. She's just scared that I'll leave her…I'm scared she'll leave me, we're scared of the same things. Well, maybe, just maybe I should listen to her, I can make sure she's safe, wherever she is I will protect her and once she knows what I can do for her, I have no doubt that she will never want to leave, I can feel her heat on my lap and I know that's one thing I can teach her, it's something she doesn't know yet but once she does, I'm sure that her happy will include being here with me.
"Things will work out as they are meant to work out" she gasps as we finally pull apart.
"Are we always going to misunderstand each other? Freak each other out because while we both want the same things we're scared of the same things?" I ask as I caress her cheek.
"Maybe we need a safe word when the other person is freaking us out…" she suggests, and I smile.
"Kangaroo"
"Sorry?" The look of confusion on her face is adorable.
"My safe word is Kangaroo." I reiterate "I will need to say it because I'm jumping to conclusions, my arms are too short to grasp the concept and I'll be out on my tail if I don't work it out." I say with a grin.
And she actually and finally laughs.