When the crew of Ultra 64 arrived for work today, they had no idea that Halloween decorations were all over the set. Mavis West-Manning, the director, had them set up for today's episode. "Hey, Mavis, what gives? I thought we were going to do Guitar Hero III." N asked, to which the director said "I know, hon, but it's nearly halloween. Remember what you did last season?"

"Super Mario 64."

"No, hon, before that."

"Lords of Thunder."

Raul Escabar, the producer for the show, piped up "Typing of the Dead, N. You forgot already?"

"it's been a year, give me a break. So we're doing another House of the Dead?"

Mavis said "Nah, I have something much scarier today."

"What?"

"Ghosts and Goblins, hon."

After some thunder sound effects and a blood curdling scream (provided by Ivy Wilde, the writer who was Jusenkyo-spring-of-drowned-boy-cursed), the narrator complained, "Ghosts and Goblins? Why couldn't it have been P.T.?"

"Because we're saving the spoilers for next season. Haven't you paid attention to the schedule? It's all old video games," Raul informed. "Speaking of which, I got this anonymous request to do Parodius."

"I think if we do Parodius we're destined to do the entire Gradius franchise, and I doubt we've got the space in this season." N then turned to the cameras to say, "listen folks, the only reason why we haven't done any request episodes yet is because our lovely-esque writer Ivy doesn't have time to sift through every request that comes along, and there are some games out there we as a team have yet to beat, or even play. We do plan on doing request episodes eventually, though, but right now we just don't have the space in this season for requests. We have a full schedule of games we plan on doing right now, so if you want it, you only need to ask for it. Right then, whenever you're ready, Mavis."

ULTRA SIX-SIX-SIXTY FOUR!

This room is a trap laid by Ultra 64! Ghosts and Goblins must be traversed! Make Rapid Progress!

AUTHOR'S CUT: Ghosts and Goblins is one of the hardest game serieses ever made, and as such a lot of this game will be skipped due to its difficulty. Also, we're going to refer to the first game's boss as Firebrand instead of Red Arremer, as Firebrand is the guy's US name. Happy Halloween!

-=28=-

Arthur the Knight and the Princess of whatever kingdom Arthur works for were having a nice tea and scone party in the middle of a graveyard, WHEN SUDDENLY!

Firebrand: boo!

The gargoyle/demon Firebrand kidnaps the Princess, so it is up to Arthur to get to the Demon Lord's Castle.

Nobunaga Oda (Onimusha): I go on vacation for three weeks, and look what happens, some asshat with four eyes and a beard takes over the place. No more vacations for me.

Arthur must first make rapid progress out of the graveyard, wherein he is assaulted by zombies. Fortunately he has his trusty lance. Unfortunately, his armor is soon torn off, revealing his heart-patterned boxers.

Arthur: Actually, those dost belongst to mine cousin Maximo.

Maximo (Maximo: Ghosts to Glory): He stole my underwear? That bearded bastard!

Arthur makes it out of the Graveyard to face off against the demon Firebrand.

Firebrand: You look ridiculous!

Arthur: Thou must sayst that again but to mine face.

Firebrand and Arthur fight and Arthur takes the victory right under the demon's nose.

Arthur: Prithee tellst me wherefore thou kidnapst the fair Princess.

This isn't Shakespeare, Arthur.

Firebrand: I wouldn't know. I just handed her off to the nearest demon. Go look in the direction of the castle, as I'm off to be in my own series.

Firebrand flies off, and Arthur continues on his journey to the castle. After numerous failed jumps, Arthur finally arrives at the Demon Lord's Castle.

Arthur: At last, I have arriveth at yon Demon Lord Castle. What danger liest ahead?

It is soon discovered that the main villian, the devil lord Satan (technically pronounced Sah-tahn, and not Say-tin like it may or may not actually be pronounced) is a bit of a wimp in comparison to the other trials and tribulations.

The Devil Lord Satan: AHA! You have fallen into my trap! Now for my teleportation spell! Gninnigeb eht ot kcab!

So it was that Arthur had to start the whole journey all over again, this time with the knowledge to prevent such an occurance from happening again.

The Eternal Champion (Eternal Champions): it is a concept as old as time itself.

And you thought I was going to do a Groundhog Day reference. Arthur soon reaches the Demon Lord's Castle again, and this time faces a much more worthy foe: engrish.

Game: CONGRATURATION THIS STORY IS HAPPY END

THE HORROR!

ULTRA 64

Ultra 64 Episode 205

Game Data

Ghosts and Goblins

©1986 Capcom

Genre: Arcade Platformer

Players: 2 (alt)