What It Means To Be Living

by The-Ocean-Deep

If Cloud and Tifa were close friends as children, would their lives really have been that different? This story follows the early days of their lives up until the beginning of FFVII.

31. Haiku

CHAPTER 31: HAIKU

Cloud had read Tifa's letter over so many times that the papers were wrinkled and creased in his hands. He was trying not to panic. How naïve he had been to feel like there was some sort of security in his plan. Tifa had told him that her father was looking to arrange her marriage this year and Cloud had been completely unprepared for that. Judging by the manner in which Tifa had written him, it seemed like she had been taken by surprise as well. As much as she tried to reassure him that everything was alright, Cloud knew her well enough to read her distress between the seemingly upbeat lines of handwriting. He loved her, and she loved him. Most things in his life were obscure and shrouded in uncertainty, but this was one truth that shone bright and clear. If Cloud was honest with himself, the gentle girl at home with ruby eyes and enchanting smile was the anchor that held him fast to his resolve. It was always comforting to think of her when the bullying was too much or his muscles felt too sore to endure another day's training. Carter had finally got his wish and been forced to resign after his intentional lackluster performance in all areas of his training, and Cloud couldn't fight against the suffocating loneliness of his day to day life. He'd give anything to have Tifa here to welcome him home after a hard day and reassure him in that soothing voice that everything would be alright in the end.

A single rain drop stained the paper and he looked up at the grey sky. From his perch atop an empty set of bleachers, Cloud had a clear view of two dozen second and third class SOLDIERs as they practiced fencing on the grassy field of the training grounds. The men hollered and grunted with exertion, swinging their oversized swords and laughing every once in a while when they managed to fell a comrade or began to goof off. Normally, a first class SOLDIER organized the training sessions and their mere presence kept order among the subordinates. From the handful of these sessions that Cloud had observed, Sephiroth had never been burdened with this task. It was usually the tall, black haired man that he had seen Zack with outside the ShinRA building so long ago. According to the company wide message on his PHS, two first class SOLDIERs—Angeal and Genesis—had been reported to be killed in action after he returned from his mission to Modeoheim. The small handful of first class SOLDIERS had taken a massive hit.

Who was overseeing today's fencing session?

Cloud looked carefully, eyes running over the troop for a few minutes before he spotted the black garb of a first class SOLDIER on a man almost hidden by the lamp post he leaned against. The sight of black spikes made his eyes widen. Zack! He had been promoted! He hadn't seen him since their formal introduction during last week's mission. Since then, Cloud had been meaning to seek him out and thank him for his kindness and to apologize for ending up being more of a burden than an assistant. Shyness had made him procrastinate and he couldn't seem to find the right words to say. But maybe congratulating Zack on his promotion might be a good way to start a conversation. Neatly folding Tifa's letter into the pocket of his pants, he decided that he had to try.

"Enough!" Zack shouted, and the troops almost immediately fell out of their battle stances and sparring matches. "Go hit the showers. Lunch is in twenty."

Helmets obscured their eyes, but the SOLDIERS grinned and happily trotted towards the building, chatting and touting their weapons. Cloud scrambled down the bleachers in hopes of catching Zack before he disappeared as well. After another morning of teasing and the usual mild torture from his barrack mates, the blonde's heart thudded with optimism in his chest. Zack was always happy and upbeat, and it was very contagious. He sure could use a dose of optimism. Sword firmly on his back, the raven haired man slogged along at quite a distance behind the others. Smiling, Cloud jogged to catch up.

"Excuse me, Sir!"

The first class SOLDIER slowed his steps and turned to look over his shoulder. He stopped and faced the young man striding towards him in ShinRA grunt attire. Cloud tried not to pant as he came to a stop and snapped to attention with a crisp salute. Blue eyes widened as he studied Zack's features. He barely recognized him! His hair was a slicked back and a little shorter than it had been in Modeoheim, and there was now a scar on his left cheek. The biggest change, however, was his expression. Usually bright eyed and cheery, the man looked sullen and sad. There were shadows under his eyes.

"At ease," the SOLDIER said, before putting a hand on his hip and leaning forward and letting a smile visit his face. "Cloud? Hey, how's it going?"

Cloud let his posture slip into a more casual stance. "I wanted to congratulate you on your promotion to first class…and to thank you for your kindness. I'm sorry I wasn't of much help on our mission."

"It wasn't your fault, those guys were pretty tough. Even I had trouble – mako infused and all. And thanks…it's been my dream to get here ever since I was a kid."

"Me, too. I came here to become a hero like Sephiroth, but I'm not sure if I can. I couldn't even meet the requirements to audition."

Zack leaned forward and put a hand on Cloud's pauldron. "Don't give up, you can do it. Keep trying, Cloud."

As unprofessional as it was, Cloud couldn't stop a beaming smile from forming on his face. Since the day he was born, he could count the number of people who encouraged him on one hand. There were even less who truly believed him. Hearing a first class SOLDIER tell him that he could one day become a legend like Sephiroth made him feel like he really could make something of himself. He needed to climb the ranks and he needed to do it fast. He had left Nibelheim to prove to himself and others that he was more than a worthless bastard child.

Cloud left everything dear and familiar behind in hopes of returning a hero and impressing Mr. Lockhart enough to ask for Tifa's hand in marriage. He had never had the pleasure of living in the household of a happily married couple, but left to his own imagination he pictured the partnership as a blessing and treasure. Coming home to the comfort and encouragement of his best friend after a hard day of bullying and training sounded like bliss. He'd have someone to lie down beside at night, welcoming arms to wrap around him and protect him from the harshness of life. Cloud yearned to be able to talk about the burdens of his soul. Tifa would listen with her patient heart, easing his troubled mind with the warmth of her smile.

What was the point of being a first class SOLDIER if he lost the most important person in his life to another man? Could he really win against almost impossible odds and join the elite operative force by the time Tifa turned fifteen? He had to try, because his life really did depend on it.

Shyly, Cloud drew his eyes off of Zack's face to rest on the hilt and pommel of the sword over the man's right shoulder. "Hey, is that a new sword?"

Zack drew back slowly. "Yeah. My mentor gave it to me."

"Angeal?"

"That's right."

Zack's eyebrows drew together and Cloud immediately regretted the carelessness of his subject choice. Desperately, the blonde wracked his brain for something else to talk about but Zack beat him to it.

"Hey, let's get some lunch. You want to be in SOLDIER, huh?" He smacked Cloud on the back and led him forward. "Well, I'll tell you all about the hell you'll go through when you get there! "

… … …

εγλ 0001, April 14

Cloud,

The snow is finally starting to melt which is a relief, since I can't stand being cooped up in this house for much longer. Even though I've been out and about with Master Zangan fighting monsters often, I feel restless these days. I've been training so much and it's been a great outlet for my energy. Master has me learning to break through brick with my elbow. I wasn't sure about it at first, but then I remembered how silly I was to be afraid to break wood boards last year. After all this time, I still get nervous when in an actual battle. Why can't I have confidence in myself? I've been learning martial arts for just about six years now, and I can't seem to muster up the courage I need when fighting the things that threaten the village. What's wrong with me? Master says it takes time to adjust. Maybe I'm just a little slower than his other pupils were in this area.

I've been walking the mountain paths often—the paths that we used to take together. I miss you so much and I can't stop thinking about you as I sit at our spot near the creek or watch the new grass growing in the meadow. Aside from random attacks by monsters, life in Nibelheim is as quiet as ever. I've been staying at home less and spending more time out on the mountain, with Master Zangan, or with your mother instead. She's been teaching me a lot of her cooking secrets, and I've shared my mother's recipes with her as well. She teaches me so many things and I'm so grateful for her.

Say, Cloud…when do you think you'll come home for a visit? We miss you.

Papa looks old, these days. There are little speckles of grey in his beard and in his hair that weren't there last year. I know that happens when you get old, but he really isn't that old and it makes me worry about him. It must be hard to be an adult. He works all day and sometimes long into the night on his orders so that we can have money to live by. I'm sure it must be stressful to have such responsibility and that makes him cranky sometimes. I'm afraid to grow up, Cloud. Papa is strong and smart. If growing old did that to him, what would it do to someone like me? I guess I've always been a little afraid to grow up. But maybe it won't be so scary because we'll do it together, right?

I miss you, my friend.

I'm still waiting here for you.

Your vow gives me hope.

Love,

Tifa

… … …

Cloud loathed helicopters almost as much as he loathed being on a ship. By the time he had taken his first shaky steps onto the helipad in Junon, the world was spinning and his stomach roiled. Why did this always happen to him? None of the other infantrymen seemed to feel this way. The other members of his squad rushed past him into the chaos of the streets.

Junon was under attack by a strange unknown army, setting ShinRA's military in a panic. Whether or not the enemy forces were AVALANCHE or some other anti-ShinRA organization, he didn't know. All Cloud knew was that he and his company were supposed to escort as many civilains to safety outside the harbor city as quickly as possible. There were tank-like pieces of machinery, small scale explosions and enemy forces littering the streets. SOLDIER operatives had been dispatched to fight while low level grunts like him were responsible for less dangerous tasks. If he wasn't feeling so sick, the battle around him may have frightened him some. Dizzy and unsteady, Cloud did his best to carry out his task with dignity. The glances from his fellow squad mates were less concerned and more annoyed as he frequently steadied his queasy body with a hand against the wall or slowed his steps as the world lurched and spun. Everything inside him screamed for him to be still, but disobeying orders would not be tolerated—especially if Cloud wanted to maintain his perfect record to qualify him for a SOLDIER candidate.

After half an hour of guiding civilians to evacuate the city by ShinRA truck, bus or even boats, Cloud's knees began to shake as his head continued to spin. There was a lull in the action and the intensity of the battle had waned significantly. The SOLDIERs must have been doing their job well, and Cloud took advantage of the momentary quiet. His helmet felt smothering and he removed it with haste. A wave of nausea washed over him and he leaned an arm against the side of a building, slumping forward and praying for the strength to get through this and carry on before he gave the others more ammo to torment him with. He breathed deeply, willing his stomach to settle down. No matter how hard he tried, Cloud always felt completely useless on his assignments. It was hard to fight against the feeling that maybe he wasn't meant for this and that he should just give up and go back home. At least at home, there were two friendly faces waiting to see him.

Aside from his own failure to perform, there was additional unease in his heart over his employment with ShinRA. Tifa had written to him about the mako reactor being the possible reason for the deterioration of Mt. Nibel, and he remembered how the brown soil and lush evergreens had slowly degraded into grey gravel and wooden skeletons. Was he really doing the right thing, working for the people responsible for that? Would it be worth it to be a SOLDIER? Cloud was torn between the need to prove himself and the nagging of his morality.

Those last few lines of Tifa's latest letter echoed through his head. Far away, over the sea, she navigated her lonesome life by clinging to the hope that he'd return. He had spent the previous afternoon asking questions to the secretary of the personnel department before he could begin to formulate a plan. All new recruits had to finish the initial probationary service period of six months before being registered as a full time employee. After a year or full time employment with the company, he'd be entitled to full benefits, including vacation time. Cloud's probation had ended in March, meaning that he wouldn't get to take any leave until next April—a whole year from now. If he played his cards right and managed to attract an enormous amount of luck, maybe he would make SOLDIER by then. Then, he'd travel across the sea to hopefully marry Tifa when she turned fifteen and take her away from Nibelheim and all the ghosts that lingered there. Maybe he could eventually rescue his mother from that life, too.

But now, as he leaned against the wall, Cloud's confidence evaporated like dew under the midday sun. He could barely even carry out the responsibilities of an ordinary ShinRA grunt, let alone a SOLDIER's tasks. The challenges ahead seemed insurmountable and hopelessness threatened to close in on his heart.

"Hey, are you alright?"

"Y-yeah. On the helicopter, I got a little nauseous." Cloud answered, still in a queasy haze. He took one more deep breath before straightening and turning to look towards the voice. His face burned with embarrassment when he saw who it was.

"Hey, Cloud! What do you know! Funny running into you here." Zack leaned back with his hands on his hips and smile on his face. "I'm happy to be working with you again."

"Yeah, although my work is a little dull."

"What are you talking about? Rescue work is an important task! Anyway, once we're all done, let's grab a bite to eat—my treat!"

Cloud blinked for a second, unable to comprehend why in the world a first class SOLDIER would continue to be so friendly towards a loser like him. The unending torment by his fellow cadets had taught him to be wary of seemingly innocent kindness. In the few encounters he'd had with Zack, the man always seemed to be genuine and transparent with his intentions. Swallowing against the lingering nausea, he decided to trust him.

"Really? That's be great! Once I'm feeling better, I'd love to go. But I can't even think of food right now…ugh. Sorry, Zack."

With a bellowing laugh, Zack slapped his back with a grin. "Haha, don't worry about it! Hope you feel better. Give me your PHS number and I'll message you about it after all this settles."

After exchanging numbers, Zack went on his way. Cloud was happy to see that after the sadness of losing his mentor, he was beginning to bounce back to his usual jovial self. The dizziness was fading and he felt a little more steady on his feet, but all Cloud noticed was the lightness of his heart.

… … …

When Zack had invited him out for a bite to eat, he didn't expect to have company. Apparently, they were being joined by large group of other young SOLDIERs and infantrymen looking to celebrate yesterday's successful mission in Junon. Now nearing eight in the evening, they all moved in a herd to the station to take the train down to the slums and visit a favorite hang-out spot: The Green Goose. The popular bar was known amongst the cadets for its scantily clad waitresses and loose carding system. Following along in his military blues, Cloud wisely chose to forgo wearing his helmet at the thought of how being among the others in the hot, packed train car would make his stomach turn. After a few stops, the train rolled to a halt at the Sector Six station and the rowdy bunch moved out into the chilly, foul air of the slums.

Although Cloud was unfamiliar with Sector Six, his weekly patrols of Sector Seven had conditioned his sensitive lungs to adjust to the oppressive, smog filled atmosphere. The streets were filled with people of all shapes and sizes, pushing past each other on their way to their destinations, and Cloud immediately felt mildly claustrophobic. Half a pace behind the others, he quickened his strides to keep up. Getting lost or left behind in a place like this would be bad news, especially as a ShinRA lackey amongst a sea of people oppressed by that very company. Zack's towering height and the giant sword on his back made it easy for Cloud to see him. The blonde pushed his way forward until he was next to the first class SOLDIER, who was chatting merrily with a second class next to him.

The second class SOLDIER noticed Cloud first and elbowed Zack in the ribs. "Hey, you know this kid, right?"

Zack's blue eyes brightened when he saw his little fair haired friend. "Yeah! Kunsel, this is Cloud."

They continued to weave through the crowd as they made their brief introductions. Cloud snuck a glance up at Kunsel and was almost thankful that the SOLDIER's mako eyes were hidden under his helmet. There was something eerie about their gentle glow and unnatural brightness that made a feeling of unease settle in his gut. Kunsel just nodded in his direction before facing forward again.

"Man, Wall Market just keeps on getting worse and worse. Why'd I let you talk me into coming here?"

"Aw, come on! We're here to celebrate! I told Cloud that we'd go out." Cloud felt Zack give his shoulder an affectionate shove. "You came so I could trust you to take these guys back up top before they get too wasted."

"Me?" Kunsel balked. "You organized this outing! Where are you going?"

"To see my girlfriend in Sector Five. After a few drinks with you guys, of course!"

Kunsel huffed with annoyance and Cloud's heart sank. Zack was going to leave him with these clowns? At least Kunsel seemed level headed. What he thought would be a one-on-one outing with someone he looked up to had turned into maybe a few minutes to chat with Zack before he ran out on them.

"Yeah, the bartender will give you whatever you want with your sweet talking. She knows you're underage."

"I'll be turning seventeen soon! Then I'll only be a year underage! What does it matter, anyway? They never card SOLDIERs."

The second class SOLDIER sighed and Cloud stole a glance at Zack's grin. Zack had a girlfriend in the slums? Thoughts of birthdays and girlfriends brought Tifa to mind. The third of May was a date etched into his mind and it was rapidly approaching; she would be turning fourteen in a matter of days.

The hustle and bustle around them seemed to be from shoppers who circled through the haphazardly arranged assortment of stores that were little more than roughly construed tents. Vendors shouted about sale prices, selling everything from food to housewares and even materia. Cloud's eyes caught on the little spheres of various colors as he passed by. Materia were little orbs of crystallized mako that allowed one to cast spells. As part of his military training, he was learning to use multiple kinds of battle worthy materia—like fire and lightning spells. They were useful for other things, too, like healing of certain wounds. It had all been so new to him when Cloud had first come to Midgar; he had never seen materia used in Nibelheim.

Something was sparkling at the adjacent tent that prompted him to shift his gaze. A jeweler sat behind a table of various necklaces, bracelets and earrings. A few women crowded around to inspect quality and prices. Maybe Tifa would like something? He never knew her to wear jewelry, but maybe that was because she didn't have any. ShinRA's salary for their low ranking military employees was modest, at best, but Cloud had been adamant about saving his earnings. Unlike the others, he usually spent his free time working out or studying for exams. Since the scores on his placement exams were so high, he was now taking more advanced courses. Cloud hoped that testing out of the easier classes might help him graduate faster, since the salary of a private was more than the stipend of a cadet, and he'd need money if he was going to take Tifa away from Nibelheim.

"Hey, Zack?"

"Hm?"

"Would you wait for me? I just need to grab something from the vendor," Cloud said as he motioned toward the jewelry. A smirk slowly lit up Zack's features.

" Oh? You've got a girlfriend, huh?"

"Sort of."

Zack followed behind Cloud. Watching them go, Kunsel called out to his friend. "We're going on ahead, see you there!"

Zack smiled and waved them off before turning his attention back to his blonde friend, who was busy running his eyes over the selection of jewelry.

"You never told me you had a girlfriend! For a guy who'd rather study then socialize, you can pick up a girl pretty easy, huh?"

"You didn't tell me about your girlfriend, either. And it's not like that—I grew up with her. She's back home in Nibelheim." Cloud paused to examine some silver bangles. "It's her birthday soon. I want to send her a present."

"What's her name?"

"Tifa…" The name rolled off his tongue like a sigh. "Tifa Lockhart."

"How about this?" Zack suggested, picking up a flashy pink pendant. Cloud shook his head immediately.

"Nah, she's not really the gaudy type."

The vendor, who had been quietly listening to their conversation, searched through her wares to find something that might be suitable. Boys never really knew what they were looking for when it came to jewelry.

"How about these?" she suggested, holding out a pair of silver teardrop earrings. "Pure silver—they'll last a lifetime! They're fashionable and stylish, but still modest."

After examining the jeweler's suggestion, Cloud nodded with a small smile. Zack whistled when Cloud forked over the gil.

"Silver earrings, huh? She's a lucky girl! You're going to make the rest of the girls back home really jealous."

Cloud didn't tell him that there really were no other girls his age back home. Even if there were, he was sure none of them would have ever given him the time of day. He tucked the earrings carefully into a pocket of his fatigues before prompting Zack forward.

"Come on, let's go catch up with the others."

"Word of advice: keep your hands in your pockets if you don't want your wallet stolen!" Zack winked and strode off toward the bar, Cloud scuttling along behind him.

Cloud didn't know what he expected a bar would be like, but the illustration he had built in his mind based on the descriptions from fellow cadets seemed to be pretty accurate. The Green Goose was a medium sized concrete structure a little off the beaten path of Wall Market. He had followed Zack through the doors and into a large, dimly lit room with a dozen tables and large bar. The crowd was of a modest size, likely because it was still early in the evening. The music was loud, but not deafening, and Cloud immediately picked up the sound of the laughter and conversations of his fellow military men. They were all bunched at the counter ordering food or drinks, but Zack led him over to table near the wall on the far side.

After some mild flirting with the waitress, Zack ordered food for the both of them at Cloud's request. New to life in Midgar, many of the items on the menu were still pretty foreign to him. ShinRA's cafeteria usually served the same rotation of items on a monthly basis, all cooked or steamed to be the most nutritionally sound. Cloud had scarcely eaten a meal that wasn't given to him by the company, so the fried foods that were so common underneath the plate were unfamiliar to him. Usually, the greasy morsels made him feel sick and he often found himself craving his mother's cooking.

"Have you been here yet? They've got the best burgers."

Cloud shrugged. "I haven't really been anywhere, if it wasn't part of patrol."

"Aw, come on! We've got to get you out more. How else are you supposed to get used to the big city?" Zack asked as their drinks arrived.

"I don't have time for fooling around, Zack. I've been studying and training extra hard so I can even have a shot at getting into SOLDIER." He took sip of the drink and the carbonation made him draw back with surprise. "What is this?"

"Root beer. Good, right?"

"Beer? I can't have beer, I'm underage!" Cloud said, alarmed eyes snapping up to meet Zack's.

He was still adjusting to this whole 'age of adulthood' thing in Midgar. All of his life, he was treated as though he was responsible for his own actions and aside from marriage only being for those fifteen and older, there were little restrictions. It was hard for him to understand why here on the eastern continent, you weren't trusted with so many things until one turned eighteen, like that age magically made an individual mature. But when it came to alcohol, Cloud wasn't sure if he'd ever want to try any. His stomach churned when he remembered how it made Tifa's father act.

"Relax! There's nothing in it, it's just a sugary drink." Zack grinned at Cloud's frightened face.

"Good. If I got caught, that'd ruin my chances for applying with a perfect record." The blonde brought the glass back to his lips while mentally organizing the many questions he had for Zack. He was so lucky that the SOLDIER had decided to spend a few private minutes with him, forsaking the rest of the group. He was going to make good use of it!

"Could you tell me what they made you do when you auditioned for SOLDIER? How hard was it?"

Zack paused to think before getting momentarily distracted by the arrival of their meals. He swallowed his bite of burger before speaking.

"The audition was an all day long affair. We had to run two miles in eleven minutes, do an exhausting amount of pushups, pull ups, situps…the normal kind of stuff. We had to do a five hundred yard swim in nine minutes, I think. Tough stuff, but you can do it if you try!"

Cloud stared at his own burger, choosing to eat a wedge of fried potato instead. How did Zack have so much confidence in him? The dark haired teen was tall and muscular, the perfect SOLDIER physique. His optimism and eagerness to help others made him a perfect hero. Zack seemed like the type of man who could change the world blindfolded while someone like Cloud could cry out again and again without ever being heard. Cloud never expected to fit in, so he was astonished that the SOLDIER seemed to be ignorant of Cloud's shortcomings and inadequacy. The blonde tried to take comfort in Zack's encouragement but always found himself puzzling over why such a popular guy seemed so willing to show him kindness. At sixteen, Zack was huge. Cloud was only fourteen and still had time to grow, but it seemed unlikely that he'd ever get nearly as big as his friend.

"Why do they require a certain height and weight for the audition? Why does that matter?"

"Eh, it has something to do with the mako therapy. I guess you have to be a certain size or bigger to handle the mako injections—something like that." Noticing the strained look on his subordinate's face, Zack leaned in closer. "What is it?"

"I'm really struggling with my physical training," Cloud said softly, averting his eyes and playing with his napkin. "I practice and practice, even in my spare time, but it's not enough. I've only got a year to make it into SOLDIER and at this rate, I'm not sure I can do it."

"What's the big deal? If you don't make SOLDIER, no one's going to behead for it."

"You don't understand. I, uh…" he trailed off, absently running his hands over the little jewelry box in his pocket. "Someone else's future is riding on this."

` … … …

The day she turned fourteen, Tifa skipped her daily martial arts training. She let herself sleep until long after Papa had left for the day, wrapped up in the comfort of her blanket cocoon. The night before she had tossed and turned as she faded in and out of strange dreams. The only one she remembered was of her mother, floating on the snow drifts of Mt. Nibel against a grey sky. She vividly recalled the warmth in her wine colored eyes and her long hair swaying as the snowflakes blew in the wind. Her round cheeks were rosy on her perfect oval face as she smiled. Tifa tried to step towards her as she turned away into the storm.

The image remained before her eyes as she rose from her bed to wash her face. She stared at her reflection for a long time after she had put the wash cloth on the edge of the sink. When she was young, everyone would tell her how much she looked like Lia, but she had never noticed how her mother's delicate features adorned her face until now. There was a gentle Wutaian slope to her deep, red eyes and her thick black curtain of hair was now as long as Mama's had been before she died. The only thing that was missing was Lia's serene smile, but Tifa couldn't muster the strength to wear one herself.

She had been able to push thoughts of Mama to the back of her mind for months, instead focusing on her training and wondering about her future. There had to be more to life than this. She tore herself away from the mirror long enough to comb her hair and get dressed. There was somewhere she needed to be.

Mr. Ackerman had sheared his flock of sheep yesterday. Several large sacks of wool now sat on Claudia's back steps, waiting to be cleaned and carded. Her neighbor had asked her to stop by and help her if she had the time, and Tifa had agreed in a heartbeat. After all Ms. Strife had done for her, she was happy to give anything back that she could. After a quiet lunch of bread and cheese, she donned a pair of her mother's shoes before walking out of the house and over to Claudia's to knock on her door.

"Tifa!" The blonde smiled wide upon seeing her. "Come in! I'm so happy to see you!"

The scent of baked sweets beckoned the girl inside. Claudia momentarily blocked her way further into the house and brought her hand up to cover Tifa's eyes.

"Alright, I know I said I needed help with the wool—and I do—but this is the real reason why I invited you over today." She guided Tifa into the kitchen and uncovered her eyes once the girl was in place. "Happy birthday, Tifa!"

Tifa peeked her eyes open to see a birthday cake on the kitchen table. The layered confection sat upon a pretty little plate, richly iced with vanilla and little frosting flowers adorning the top. Tifa opened her mouth to thank her neighbor for her thoughtfulness, but shut it again as she felt tears pricking at her eyes. Fleeting memories flashed before her: her parents singing happy birthday and telling her to make a wish before blowing out the candles, Mama walking Cloud home with two slices of her birthday cake, Papa's gift of a brightly painted birdhouse. She remembered how much she had been afraid at the thought of leaving her mother and father when she grew up and felt a pang of guilt knowing that now she constantly sought new reasons for staying out of the house. Tifa recalled how the feel of her mother's body used to heal every trouble of her little soul. She had wanted so much to retain the happy family life that she had all those years ago, yet somehow it had all tumbled out of control. These days, she felt as if she had no control over her circumstances. Sometimes, in the quiet of the night, she would feel as if Mama had abandoned her here to fight alone against her father's issues.

None of it was fair. How much would she give to have her back again?

"Tifa?" Claudia's brows furrowed as she put a hand on the girl's shoulder. "Are you alright?"

"Oh, yes," Tifa lied, wiping her eyes with the back of her wrist. "I'm just overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness. Thank you so much, Ms. Strife. Thank you for everything."

"Now, now—today's a day for celebrating you, not me!" The fair haired woman struck a match to light the lone little candle atop the cake. "I'll save you the embarrassment of singing for you, but you still have to make a wish!"

Tifa watched the tiny flame flicker atop the candle wick. A wish, huh? What was it she wanted most in this life? Deciding to be selfish, she closed her eyes and wished for three things: that Cloud would come back and marry her, that Papa would love her again and that one day, she and Cloud could have children of their own to treat with all the fairness and kindness they had wished for in the days of their childhood. If such wishes ever came true, maybe she could start to feel whole again. Sucking in a breath, Tifa blew the candle out. Claudia grinned with a little cheer and cut Tifa a large slice of cake.

"Eat up! You'll need the sugar rush for helping me wash all that wool!"

` … … …

The softness of her nightgown felt good against her skin and her long, damp hair draped over her shoulder. Fresh out of the bath and free of the scent of dirty wool and lanolin, Tifa sighed as her muscles relaxed. She curled her legs underneath her on the piano bench, staring at the small package sitting atop the ivory keys.

It had been as enjoyable of a birthday as she could have hoped for. She and Ms. Strife had eaten way too much cake in between sessions of rinsing wool again and again in basins of water in the back yard. By the time they had finished cleaning the last bunch of wool, the first had already dried and was ready for carding. Occupied with tending to the wool, Claudia asked Tifa to run across town square to the postbox to see if the hand carders she ordered had come in. To her surprise, a small package with her name on it was waiting in the Lockhart cubby.

She smiled, for she only ever got mail from one person.

Cloud's letters came often enough and she took comfort in the positivity and sincerity of his words, but she missed the tangibility of his presence. Tifa yearned for the feeling of his hand in hers and the giddiness in her heart from that small gesture of affection. She wanted to see his shy smile and hear him tug on the jingle bell's twine, unknowingly chasing away the howling guilt and creeping shadows that kept sleep from finding her in the middle of the night. These days, her connection with Cloud was so drastically different than it ever had been and it left her unsatisfied. Communicating only through writing made Tifa feel as if she and Cloud were blindly reaching out to one another through a thick fog. She couldn't ever see his face and the inconsistency of their communication as if their fingers were brushing as they searched for the comfort of each other's presence. It was so hard not to be able to grasp his wrist and pull him back to her, but for now that monthly snippets of his life would have to do.

Reaching out, she took the package into her hands, neatly picking away the tape and unwrapping the thick, brown paper. Inside was a tiny white box and a note on a scrap of paper, written in Cloud's messy scrawl.

Happy 14th birthday, Tifa.
If all goes well, I should be back by this day next year.
I'll write to you soon.
Cloud

Different feelings fought for dominance in her heart. His kindness and continued devotion to her seemed like something out of a romantic novel and her heart felt light, if only for a moment. But pangs of desperation pushed through the pleasant thrill of enchantment. Tifa had hoped she would see him soon—that one day he'd show up out of the blue and help her forget about her loneliness for a little while. A year was a long time and her heart clenched painfully at the thought of the dull months ahead. On the bright side, she now knew a definite time frame in which to expect his return. Curiously, she uncovered the white box to reveal a pair of pretty silver earrings. Letting out an awed breath, she inspected them as an involuntary grin bloomed on her face.

She'd wear them every day until she finally saw him again.

... ... ...

A/N:

Ahh! 100,000 words! *collapses*

To the guest who asked, I plan to follow this through Crisis Core and up to the beginning of Final Fantasy 7. I plan to end this when Tifa finds Cloud at the train station. There will be differences in these events based on how different the relationship between Cloud and Tifa will be at that time than it was in canon (trust me, their relationship will be VERY different). I am definitely not writing the events of the original game! This fic would end up being like, 200 chapters long. xD

Thank you for reading! Taking the time to leave a review is always helpful and insightful; I appreciate it!