"You need to show him something,'FN-2187 deadpanned, his disdain for her plan clear even though he was wearing his Stormtrooper helmet, 'What could you possibly have to show him?"
"A memory." She answered, as though that would make everything clear.
"A memory."
"Yes. Please, I just need you to take me to him. He doesn't even have to know it was you! I just need to be able to find him."
"And what do you hope to accomplish by showing him this memory?"
"I just – I need to tell him something. Through the memory." She knew that the soldier in front of her would have a hard time understanding her reasoning, but she needed to. Somehow, she knew that this was something she had to do. Even if the benefits from showing him this memory would only be reaped in the long run, she knew she had had to show him. Make Ben remember. Make him relive it.
"And you can't wait to do that until he comes to speak to you again?"
"How do you know he comes to speak to me?"
"I'm not blind; I saw the way he looked at you when I caught you wandering the halls. You are not just his prisoner, you are something more to him."
"Which is why I need to show him this memory."
Her heart skipped a beat as she waited for his answer. She desperately needed his help. She had no idea when Kylo, or Ben, would make his next appearance in her cell. She needed the Stormtrooper who had shown her kindness to show her kindness once more.
"Fine." He said. He wanted to help her. She was worthy of his help. She was one of the few people who had ever talked to him as though he was a real person. He was worried about the consequences, however. What if Captain Phasma found out that he had helped Master Ren's prisoner without any explicit orders?
"We need to be careful, though."
"Of course. I trust you." She barely knew the man who stood in front of her, but she realized that she honestly meant her words. She did trust him. She trusted him to help her. She trusted him to help her because she knew that he truly wanted to.
He grabbed her arm right over her wound. She flinched, and he quickly noticed, moving his hand to grab hers instead. It was strange, holding the Stormtroopers hand, but she knew that he was doing it because he realized she was in pain, and because he needed her to stay close to him as they snuck around the immensely large ship they were on. He led her into the hallway, and they turned right, trying to keep their footsteps as quiet as possible.
"What kind of ship are we on anyway?" Cara whispered, hoping the answer was not as dreadful as she believed it to be.
"We aren't on a ship. We're on a planet." He whispered back, hoping no one would hear them.
"What do you mean, a planet?" She asked, a nervous sweat breaking out over her skin; both at the thought of the desolate planet they must be on and at the thought of getting caught.
He did not answer her. Instead, he quickly led them around a corner, pushing her into a small control room. Before she could ask him what he was doing, she heard heavy footfalls coming around the bend in the hallway and she held her breath in fear that they would somehow hear her. They crouched down, quiet as could be, until the footsteps had faded into the distance. The Stormtrooper and Cara simultaneously let out a breath, looking at each other with nervous expressions on their faces.
"I think I should take you back to your room." FN-2187 whispered to her, breaking the silence as they stayed hidden, both of them too scared to move.
"No! Please, I promise, this is the only thing I will ask you to do for me."
"Why is this so important to you?"
"He used to be my friend. I miss him." She responded. She decided that he deserved to know the truth. He was risking a lot for her, after all.
"Oh." It was all he could think of to say. He had never really had a friend before. He wondered what it would be like to have one that would fight so desperately just to see him.
Suddenly, he stood up, holding out his hand for her to take. She smiled at him, thankful that he had once more changed his mind to help her.
They snuck back into the hallway, lucky enough not to run into any other altercations on their way to the bridge. FN-2187 told her that the Master of the Knights of Ren often wandered the hallways down there, looking for an excuse to yell at someone. It was a sad thing to hear. She could never imagine that Ben Solo would have done something like that. Only Kylo Ren would.
"I have to leave you here now. I can't risk getting caught by my captain."
"I understand." She said, as much as she did not want to understand. She was extremely grateful for all his help – she would never forget what he had done for her.
"Thank you, FN-2187." She said, once more.
He nodded his head towards her, and quickly turned towards the direction that they had come from. Before he was out of earshot, however, she said one more thing.
"We really need to find you a better name." She smiled to herself, knowing that he had heard her from the way his head turned slightly to look back at her. He nodded again, and after a few steps he was out of sight.
She decided to wait for Ben in the small storage room located next to the entrance to the bridge. It was the safest decision, and she would be able to see him coming from the small window embedded into the door.
It seemed to take hours, her heart practically jumping out of her chest every time she heard the door to the bridge slide open. She had almost decided to give up and just get caught when he finally stormed into the hallway, shouting at one of the lieutenants under General Hux's command. After a few steps he was alone, the frightened lieutenant having run back inside the bridge to get back to his control station. She opened the door, as quietly as she could so as not to alert anyone other than him of her presence. As soon as she stepped out into the corridor, he spun towards her, obviously having already sensed that she was there.
For a moment, he said nothing, and she almost thought that he would turn his back on her and keep walking away. Instead, he did the exact opposite, angrily stalking towards her only to end up pushing her back into the storage room she had hidden in and slamming the door behind him.
"What do you think you are doing here?" He practically hissed the words at her, the distorter from his mask making his words sound even more sinister. She almost regretted her decision to come here, but she pushed on, knowing that it was important. Knowing it was important to Ben Solo.
"Do you not want to know how I came here?" She asked, hoping to stall for time. Hoping he would calm down before she showed him the memory.
"No." He said, taking a step towards her, pushing her towards the wall.
"Ben, I came here to show you something."
"My name is not Ben. And you have nothing to show me that would be of interest to me."
"I need to show you a memory." She said, her voice shaking – it was hard when he treated her like this, even though she knew he would.
"I can look at your memories myself. I can invade your thoughts and make the pain almost unbearable for you. What memory could you possible want to show me that would be important enough to risk all of that? Why would you even want to?"
The threatening tone of his voice had become more inquisitive, as though he was genuinely curious to know what she could possibly hope to accomplish.
"It's a very specific memory. A memory of the two of us."
He said nothing, waiting for her to gather the courage to continue.
"I do not think you would want to see it if I did not show it to you." She said, taking a step towards him now, closing the distance between them.
"What will you do if I refuse to view the memory?"
"Then I will allow you to inflict whatever punishment it is you deem necessary for my escapade today."
He considered her terms, and she hoped that she had done enough to convince him. She did not know what else she could say – after all, the decision was completely in his hands.
Mercifully, he took another step closer to her, and she felt a shiver go up her spine and her heart rate rise with angst. It was another minute before he made another move, and she thought she would pass out from the pure tension in the room; from the tension between them. She concentrated on the memory that she wanted to show him, needing it at the forefront of her mind in case his curiosity got the best of him.
Without warning, he invaded her mind, and she cried out with pain, more so than she had ever felt before during this process. She was unable to catch herself before she fell to the floor and passed out, seeing only darkness underneath her eyelids.
She found him sat on the floor of their favourite storage room, as she had done hundreds of times before. Instead of playing with the replicas however, he just sat there, staring out in front of him, lost deep in his thoughts. She almost did not want to disturb him, worried that he would become livid with her. He had been much more aggressive lately, yelling at everyone who stood in his way.
She stood there for a while, thinking about what it was she could say that would not anger him. It was too late though, he had already sensed her presence, as only he could, and he looked up at her. His eyes were in a state she had never seen before. The rim of his eyes were dark red, his eyes bloodshot and cloudy with fatigue. His skin was paler than usual, and it looked as though he had not slept in days. Cara immediately reached out to him, practically falling to the floor to sit next to him, placing her hand on top of his in an attempt to comfort him. It seemed it was of no use though, he pushed her hand away as soon as their skin made contact.
"Ben, please, tell me what's wrong! I've never seen you like this before."
"Does it scare you?" He said, his voice shaky and seemingly unpredictable. He had never spoken to her like that before.
"You could never scare me." She said, and she meant every word. She just hoped that he could sense her sincerity through the crazed haze that had overcome him.
"Is that truly what you believe?' he stood up, staring down at her, as though it made him stronger to see her more vulnerable. 'You've heard my parents speak of my power, you have seen how nervous they have become around me. My father has never left the base so often, showing his true cowardly nature. My own mother tends to avoid me. I scare them, I can frighten you too."
She stood up to, trying to prove to him that she would not cower away from him.
"Your mother is not avoiding you. You are the one who has been avoiding her! And your father loves you, in spite of what his actions seem to be telling you. You would do well to remember that you are lucky to have such wonderful, courageous parents. You know I wish I still had mine. You know it infuriates me when you speak of yours this way."
"Perhaps I like infuriating you." He smirked, and it was a menacing smile that she had never seen on his features before.
"You do not. You are my friend."
"And what benefit has our friendship ever given me? You've distracted me from the power I wield. I need to learn how to use it. You stand in the way."
"No." She said, becoming angrier by the second. She could not believe that he was speaking to her this way.
"No?" He said, a hint of malice in his question.
"No. I will not have you speak to me like this. I am your friend, Ben Solo, as much as you may want to push me away right now. I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of treatment from you. I know that you know it is not fair. If you tell me what's bothering you, I will try to help, as I always do. This person standing in front of me now, wild hair and crazy eyes, is not the person that I rely on most in this galaxy. Until that person comes back, I need you to stay away from me."
She pushed past him, and ran into the hall. She needed to get away from this person she barely recognized, this person that wore her best friend's face but other than that bore no resemblance to him. She did not get very far however, he was the faster runner, and he caught up to her easily, roughly grabbing a hold of her shoulder and turning her back to him.
"Let go of me." Cara said, trying to muster as much authority into her voice as she could. She needed to get away from him.
"Do you really want to know what is wrong with me?"
Her features relaxed as she once more looked at his face. The crazed look in his eyes was still there, but it was being softened by a sudden despair that made his lip tremble as he looked into her eyes. She nodded, encouraging him to continue. She had not forgiven him yet for treating her so viciously.
"I had a dream last night."
"Go on."
"It was about you."
She swallowed visibly, somehow frightened of what he was about to tell her.
"I dreamt about you. It's not the first time. I dream about you a lot. I dream about things that have already happened to us, and I dream about things that we could do together. I dream about seeing you in a different light – something that neither of us are used to, and I've dreamed about what my life would be like without you, which was awful enough, in and of itself."
His words made her skin tingle, words she had never known she had needed to hear until just then. She needed to know that he was capable of seeing her in a different light. More than friends, perhaps. More than family.
His lip trembled again, and she held her breath in anticipation of what he was going to say next.
"Last night, I was angry with my parents; angry with my father and mother for once more talking about me as though they did not know that I was listening, as though I did not know what they thought about me every time they so much as glanced at me. I let that anger seep into my dream, Cara. The anger I felt towards my parents followed me into my sleep and I let it affect my view of you. I dreamt that I hated you, that I hated how forgiving you made me. I dreamt that I had great power, and that I knew how to control it, how to wield it, and that I liked how it made me feel. It made me feel strong, invincible. It made me feel as though I did not need you in my life anymore. That you had ruined who I was supposed to be. It made me feel as though I needed to get rid of you somehow. I did not need you anymore, Cara – I – I don't know what came over me."
She wished she could say something to make him feel better, anything to let the desperate look in his eyes soften once more to the friendly and inquisitive brown orbs that had looked at her so many times. She did not know what to say, however. She had no idea how to respond.
"I hurt you Cara,' he continued, oblivious to her lack of response, 'I hurt you. I hurt you and it was as though I enjoyed it, I enjoyed wielding this power that I have within me; but at the same time, I could feel that I was struggling – I screamed at myself to stop, but I could not. It was as though you were everything that was wrong with this world and I had to eradicate it. But I could never do that to you! Cara, please, you have to understand, I could never do that to you."
She finally found her voice again, and it sounded small in comparison to his desperate pleas towards her.
"Why did you try to push me away then, just now? What good would it do you to make me feel as though you hated me? If it was something you truly did not want in this dream of yours."
"It was not a dream, Cara, it was a nightmare. A nightmare I hope I never have to relive again. I hurt you, I can't – I can't hurt you. Not you."
Her heart seemed to clench in her chest, she had never seen him struggle so enormously before. It frightened her though; he was normally so in control of who he was. He was temperamental, sure, but he was temperamental for a reason. A reason that he himself, understood. He did not seem to understand anymore. He seemed to be completely lost.
"I do not want to hear any more about this nightmare of yours. I need to know that that is not who you are."
"Please, Cara, you know that is not who I am. I need you, more than any one. Just as you need me. Please, Cara, Cara, I need you to believe me. Of all people, I need you to believe me."
He had never uttered her name so many times before, and she liked the way it sounded whenever he spoke it. His hand was still on her shoulder, though his grip had loosened immensely, and he let his hand slide down her arm and into the grip of her hand, where he squeezed it so tightly it actually hurt.
She did not mention the nightmare anymore, as much as it scared her. He was at war with himself, a war that she knew could only be won if he learned to hone his affinity with The Force. It was a war that would only be won by the Light if he knew how to direct his energy. She knew that she was keeping him here, indirectly. His mother had already suggest numerous times that he leave, and he had refused every instance. He had refused because she had never truly told him that it was okay for him to leave.
"You need to go train with your uncle." She said, her voice barely above a whisper as she squeezed his hand in return.
"What? No, I cannot leave you here."
"Yes, yes, you can! I've told you that I will be okay. I've told you that we will still be friends by the time you get back. I've told you that I know that you are strong enough for this. You need to go. You need to fight this war that you are having within yourself."
"I am not at war with myself."
"Yes, you are. Somehow, darkness is festering inside you. I need you to fight it, and your uncle will help you. I know you can do this, Ben. I know you can."
She could see moisture form in his eyes, and she needed to keep strong for him. In that moment, she was the stronger of the two – the only one who could clearly see what was happening right in front of them.
"You need me." He said, a statement of fact which was true.
"Yes, and you need me too."
He was silent for another minute, and all that she could hear was the buzzing of the emergency lights in the room they were stood in.
"More than you know." He whispered, as he stroked his thumb against the flat of her hand, his touch making her feel comforted and oversensitive at the same time.
It was the worst memory she had of him. It made her feel weak and it made her remember how scared she had been of him at the time. It had transpired a few weeks before the decision was made that he was leaving. Three months before he had kissed her and she had never seen him again, until now.
She hoped that the memory would remind him just how long he had been struggling, show him that what he struggled with now, an obvious pull to the light, was a struggle that he would only overcome if he let someone in to help him. She wanted to be that person for him. She needed to be that person for him.
She opened her eyes, placing her hand against her forehead where a throbbing pain was just starting to subside. She was back in her cell, back on her bench, and as she realized that she had no idea how Ben had reacted to the memory of one of his most fragile moments she let herself cry for the first time since he had brought her here.
A/N: This update took a little longer than usual, and I apologize for that! In any case, this was really interesting to write, and I hope you guys enjoy reading it. Any reviews are always welcome and thank you for following this story!