Ultra 64 kills its enemy by any means in The Outfoxies!
AUTHOR'S CUT: Seeing as how many of you have never heard of Japan-only Namco arcade game The Outfoxies and how awesome it is, this may be your first experience with the game. If that's the case, then feel free to skip this one.
The mysterious Mr. Acme is asking for an art dealer to be assasinated.
Mr. Acme: I'm in no way related to Acme Products.
Given that little bit of information, Mr. Acme wants John Smith -real name unknown- to hunt this art dealer.
John Smith: I want that money to pay the rent on my skyscraper hideout.
What he doesn't know is that Mr. Acme has hired six – technically seven – other hired guns to off the same target.
Danny & Demi: We're effectively siamese twins, but we used to be real siamese twins. We're off to see the world on a yacht.
Bernard White: choo choo! All aboard the Steel Hand Train!
Dweeb the Chimpanzee: I'm not supposed to be talking, but I want all the bananas in the world so that I can monopolize the banana trade! Just like my ancestors in the Dominican Republic!
Betty Doe: My charity aquarium needs funding, so...
Professor Ching: I live in a death trap, so that's why I constructed my personal handicap mobility apparatus.
Eve: My circus training'll steal your heart... before my iguana steals your cash.
What they don't know is that Mr. Acme plans to make them fight each other, and in the end, John Smith takes the crown as World's Most Expensive Hired Gun. To collect his reward, Mr. Acme sends him to his mansion in Russia.
Yakov Smirnov: In soviet russia...
I already heard all the jokes, Yakov; go back to being dead.
Yakov Smirnov: WHAT A COUNTRY!
Mr. Acme leads John Smith through his house, throwing obstacles along the way. It seems like he really doesn't want John Smith to have his money. But Smith gets there, meeting Mr. Acme and his wife.
Mr. Acme's Wife: I saved this for just a such an occasion!
John Smith: Saved what? Why?
Mr. Acme's Wife: BECAUSE! AAAAAGH! BOOM BOOM!
Mr. Acme's Wife pulls out a 9mm pistol gun and shoots the lights out, allowing her and her husband to escape. Or rather they would have, if they didn't pay attention to the infinite rocket launcher on the lawn chair on the roof.
Announcer (Metal Slug): RAWKET LAWNCHAIR!
After John Smith launches about four or five rockets, Mr. Acme and Mrs. Acme fall off the helicopter onto the hard roof, where they die of overkill.
ULTRA 64
Ultra 64 Episode 206
Game Data
The Outfoxies
©1994 Namco
Genre: Arena Fighter
Players: 2
Ivy Wilde, local Jusenkyo victim and writer of Ultra 64, asked a simple question to N, the show's narrator. "N, what's the big deal with this game?", to which the intrepid italicized announcer responded "Ivy, the game was the technical inspiration for Smash Bros."
"So why was it never released outside of Japan?"
N stroked his chin. "Good question. I bet I'd have the answer after the commercials. We'll be right back."
COMMERCIAL 3: Edgaroni Pasta
Singer 1: "When you need a taste
but you're in a bit of haste
You need Edgaroni!"
Singer 2: "When you've got a hungry tummy
you want a royal yummy
You want Edgaroni!"
"Edgaroni Pasta, made with Edgar Figaro's secret Penne recipe! Your tongue will be asking for more!"
Singers: "When you want a quick lunch
you gotta taste the royal touch
A bowl of Edgaroni!"
"Edgaroni Pasta! Taste the royal touch! Available at Narshe Grocery and all fine supermarkets!"
PROMO 3: Ultra 64's Schedule
"N here. We here at Ultra 64 want you to know that we've been working hard to give you the best Condensation Parodies possible. Which is why we want to give you our schedule for upcoming episodes ahead of time, so here it is.
Super Hydlide
Portal
Sonic the Hedgehog 2
TimeSplitters Future Perfect
Thunder Force IV
Sonic Adventure
The House of the Dead
Armored Warriors
Sonic Advance
Alien Vs. Predator (Arcade)
BlackThorne
Sonic Adventure 2
Contra III: The Alien Wars
Jet Set Radio Future
Doom ~ Knee Deep In The Dead
League of Legends
The Revenge of Shinobi
Metal Gear Solid
Super Mario World
Metroid Fusion
Street Fighter III Third Strike
Sonic CD
Contra Hard Corps
Super Metroid
Chrono Trigger
"We hope you enjoy our next episode: Super Hydlide. See you then!"
=NOW BACK TO ULTRA 64
"And that's why the Outfoxies was never released outside of Japan!"
N had noticed that during his spiel during the commericals, Ivy fell asleep. "Well, I just bored my writer to sleep, so I guess I'd better shut up and sign off. I am N. Later, yeah?"