It had been a few days since she had seen Ben, Kylo Ren. It had been a few days since she had attempted to show him how vulnerable he was, how vulnerable he had been in the past. It had been a few days since she had cried at his expense.
On the one hand, she thought that the reason for his absence could be because he was confused about himself – about who he was, and what he was working towards. On the other hand, it could just be because he was furious with her, and he wanted her to stew in her own misery. Considering her current predicament, she was willing to bet it was the second option.
All she wanted was to see him. She wanted to know the degree to which she had caused damage to their relationship, or whatever it was that they had at the moment. She needed to know if it was repairable. If it was not, she could finally move on. Somehow.
She could barely keep still, she could barely sleep. She paced around her small cell all day, the damage to her walls only reminding her more of the reason she was there, of everything she had said to him, of everything he had said to her. Everything he had done to her.
As she paced her room and did not sleep, she sometimes thought about FN-2187 as well. On a ship – or a planet, as he had called it – where there was so much anger, darkness, and hatred, it was surprising to find someone who treated her so well. Someone who treated her with such kindness. All she wanted was to return the favour. She would find a way, somehow. There would come a time when she would need to escape. Whether it would be with Ben Solo was still a question that needed to be answered.
She had ceased looking out her small window and into the galaxy to count the stars, instead favouring to look out of the window embedded into her cell door. She had seen countless Stormtroopers walking past, lieutenants being yelled at by General Hux, the shiny and chrome Captain Phasma ordering her soldiers to do her bidding. She had even seen Kylo Ren walk past a few times. She had hoped that he would at least turn and look into her window, or even just pause at her door. He never did, however. He always kept on walking. Where he was going, she did not know. She wished she knew.
After another night of minimal sleep, the first sign of footsteps outside her door had her jumping off of her bench and peering out through the glass into the hallway. It was never who she hoped for though. The few times she had seen him had been completely dwarfed by the number of times it had been someone else. She still held hope, though. She knew that he would come see her eventually.
Apparently, that day was sooner than she thought. She had been standing at her door for what felt like hours, her forehead resting against the cool metal that held her prisoner, when suddenly, the light was blocked from her sight and she had to take a step back to see what had caused it. She sucked in a breath when she saw the familiar formidable mask staring back at her through the small window. She took another step back, anxiously waiting for him to come inside. Instead, he remained exactly where he was, seemingly having no interest in coming any closer to her.
"You have not been sleeping." He said, his voice muffled through the distorter of his mask and the thick door between them.
"No."
"Would your insomnia have anything to do with your little stunt the other day?" He asked, an angry tremor apparent in his voice that could even be heard through the barriers between them.
"Stunt? It was not a stunt. I was trying to show you who you really are."
"Failure is not an easy thing for you to admit, then."
"I don't think it was a failure. You could have refused to view the memory. Instead, you chose to enter my mind once more. You were curious. Your curious nature has always been a flaw of yours."
"Some would say curiosity is the catalyst for power."
"And some would say curiosity is what ultimately destroys a man." She countered.
She could tell that he was tensing up once more, as he placed his hands on either side of the door before he uttered his next few words.
"And some others would say that having the audacity to believe that they can change something that has already been set into motion is absurd and childish."
She knew that this was a desperate attempt on his behalf to get her to stop trying – to stop her trying to revert him back to the light, to stop her reminding him who he was. If he wanted that, than he should just let her go right then.
"If you did not want me to fight for you, you should never have brought me on board."
"I never asked you to fight for me." He said, as a small sliver of Ben slipped through the cracks in his voice.
"You didn't have to." She whispered, and for a second she thought he may not have heard her, but as his head tilted down and his hands slipped from the door she could tell that he had heard every single word.
"It makes no difference. The Darkness calls to me, makes me stronger. It is my birth right."
She scoffed, and his head snapped up at the sound, as though he was genuinely surprised to hear it.
"Your birth right? You may be the grandson of Darth Vader, but you are the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo. Your birth right stems from their acts of courage and heroism, not your grandfather's cowardly acts of evil."
"Your words have no effect on me." He said, fury once more invading the tone of his voice. She was angering him, but she did not care. It was the only time she could get a true reaction from him.
"If that were true you would not still be standing here."
He was silent, as though he was trying to gather his composure before he spoke again.
"Tell me what you feel for me."
She was taken aback at his words, and had no idea how to respond. She knew the answer, she just did not want to admit it to herself.
"I don't know."
"You are lying to me, Cara Nova."
She knew that he was taunting her, throwing back her own retorts to his obvious lies in her face. She could always tell when he was lying. It seemed he could still tell whenever she was lying too.
"Does it matter what I feel for you?"
"It might."
"In what way?"
"It will make it easier for me to dismiss you as nothing but nuisance."
"You are lying to me, Ben Solo."
It did not matter that he was standing on the opposite side of the door. It did not matter that he was trying to pull away from her once more, putting a useless distance between them that would not protect him from the truth of her words. It did not matter. He always came back.
"And what makes you think I am lying?"
"You always come back." She repeated her thoughts, completely feeling the truth of them within every fibre of her being. He kept coming back. No matter how angry she made him, no matter how much she confused him or how much he hurt her. He kept coming back to see her. That was all she needed to know, that there was still a part of him in there that needed her now as much as he needed her when they were younger.
"You think I do that for your benefit?" He asked, turning his head away from the window but still standing close enough to the door to hear her response.
"No, I think you do that for your own."
"Then perhaps I should stop coming to see you." He said, obviously trying to deny the truth of her words.
"You can try." Her own response surprised her; their conversation was making her feel bolder than usual.
"What is it you hope to accomplish by antagonizing me?" He asked, even though he most definitely already knew what her reply would be.
"I will not answer that question, because you already know the answer."
"You are infuriatingly optimistic."
"That used to be something you liked about me."
"Things have changed a lot since then."
There it was, another admission that they had a past together, a relationship together. Every time he acknowledged just how well he knew her she could feel her heart rate rising.
He said nothing for a while, and she sat down on the floor opposite the door, waiting for him to say something.
"You will not see me for a while."
Those were not the words she had expected to hear. "What – what are you talking about?"
"You will not see me for a while." He repeated, as though she was a child that needed to be told everything twice. His small moment of fragility had once more been replaced by Kylo Ren's intimidating demeanour.
"Where will you go?"
"That is none of your concern."
She said nothing, trying to grasp the implications of his words. She had no idea how long he would be gone for, how long it would take him to forget everything that she had shown him and everything he had found within her mind. She had no idea how long it would be before he completely lost everything that made him Ben Solo, and if she would be there in time to bring it back. She had no idea how long she would have to miss seeing the only familiar face she truly knew aboard this ship, so she said the only thing she could think of to say in that moment.
"Then I will be waiting for you when you get back."
A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It's getting harder for me to know where exactly I want to take this story, which is why the updates are taking a day or so longer than they did in the beginning. I promise to keep updating regularly though and any feedback is always appreciated, because it really does help me write!