Ultra 64's got big money and big prizes up for grabs in Smash TV!
AUTHOR'S CUT: I'm not good at schedules. Consider the original schedule scrubbed, or at the very least revised.
It's the far off year of 1999 AD, and the most popular TV game show in TV game show history is Smash TV, a lethal game show about getting to the end with your life intact and winning beautiful cash and valuable prizes!
Arnold Schwarzenegger: zat soundz familiar, don't it?
It's less Running Man and more Robotron here. The Smash TV contestants (whose names are Player One and Two) are armed with a gun, and shoot things til they die. Along the way, they pick up various prizes like a new car, a 32'' CRT TV that will be obsolete in about a year or so, a VCR that's already outmoded, probably a radioactive toaster or two, and of course, lots and lots of Bison dollars.
Master Bison (Street Fighter II): because one Bison Dollar is equal to five American Dollars.
Adjusting for inflation, a given game of Smash TV earns you approximately one shit-ton of real American cash. That said, they must contend with evildoers such as Mutoid Man!
Mutoid Man: MUTOID MAN NEED SMASH! ACTUALLY, MUTOID MAN NEED MONEY FROM PUNY CONTESTANT TO PAY OFF BILLS! MUTOID MAN REPAIRS NO COME CHEAP!
After bribing Mutoid Man to piss off, the Contestants move on to the evil literal faceplate that is Scar-Face.
Scar-Face: Say hello to- ooh, a toaster!
Tony "Scarface" Montana (Scarface): You bring shame upon the Scarface name, puto.
Unfortunately, giant faces can't use toasters, so Scar-Face blows up in shame. The contestants then move on to the Forest level wherein they fight a hydra.
Hydra: Cut of one head... two more take its place! HEIL HYDRA!
This Hydra only has two heads, but incidentally doesn't grow any more. Upon learning this, the heads get tangled and then explode. The host is naturally pissed.
The Host: I told these two to outlast, not to outwit! Time for me to kill some things!
Being smart, the Contestants lead the Host to the Pleasure Dome and then prove how smart they are by ramming him through the door. Smash TV is canceled!
ULTRA 64
Ultra 64 Episode 208
Game Data
Smash TV
©1990 Williams Manufacturing (now WB Games)
Genre: Twin Stick Shooter
Max Players: 2 (CO-OP)
"Well shit, there goes my last quarter," complained Raul Escabar, producer for Ultra 64. Turns out he was playing an actual Smash TV arcade machine while the show was going on. "While I go bug N for some more quarters so that I can finally beat this game, why don't you guys watch some ads. I promise we'll be back before long."
COMMERCIAL4 – TASSADAR'S AUTO LOT
"En taro adun, human car consumers! I, Tassadar of Tassadar's Auto Lot, will now demonstrate my acumen on selling such models as this 1999 Swann Vulture. Witness as I sell said model for Colossus-sized deals! And observe how I sell this like-new 2008 Hunter 4x4, originally retailing for $25,000, now sold for an astonishing $5,000! You will not find more quality automobiles for less prices in any part of the galaxy! If you happen to have bad or no valid credit, on my honor as a Templar, I will arbitrate to get you approved for purchase! Travel to Tassadar's Auto Lot, where I, Tassadar, will make you a deal on a vehicle of your choosing, Guaranteed!"
COMMERCIAL5 – CLAPTRAP AND ASSOCIATES LAW FIRM
Claptrap: "I'm Claptrap! I am a lawyer you can trust to win you cases! This is my partner, the Annoy-o-Tron!"
Annoy-o-Tron: "HELLO! HELLO! HELLO!"
Claptrap: "Together, we're Claptrap and Associates! We've won over $5,000,000 in lawsuits for our clients!"
Annoy-o-Tron: "YES! YES! YES!"
Claptrap: "We specialize in auto accident cases, wrongful death cases, criminal charges, medical malpractice cases, anti-trust cases, civil cases, and asbestos-related lawsuits!"
Annoy-o-Tron: "never gonna give you up / never gonna let you down"
Claptrap: "That's right my annoying friend! We don't stop until we either win your case or proceed to annoy the crap out of the opposing party long enough for us to get a massive settlement! In the unlikely event we do lose, you pay us nothing! What have you got to lose?"
VO: "dial 1-800-GET-CLAP! That's 1-800-GET-CLAP!"
=NOW BACK TO ULTRA 64!
"No, Raul, you can't have another quarter. Smash TV is designed to suck all your quarters out." N the Narrator scolded his own producer. "How much money did you spend on that machine, anyway? We set it to Free Play."
"...about $25."
"Damn. We've got to make Raul pay $25 for that, so we'll leave you here. We'll see you next time on the King of Condensation Parodies; ULTRA 64!"