Studio 64, where Ultra 64 Season 2 was filmed, had just finished moving operations to Scoville, in central United America, from the 3LTV HQ in Blaze City over on the western side of United America. Seeing as how Scoville was where the series' head writer (and Jusenkyo-cursed girl) Ivy Wilde was from, it made more sense. "Ahh, home sweet home, eh, N?" she asked playfully. "Okay, I can see us filming here from now on, but why does my door say N Weaver?" the evidently-newly-dubbed italicized star of the show said.

"That was Raul's idea. He thought that you might need a stage name."

"And Weaver was the best he could come up with?" N looked around. "Where is Raul, anyway?"

Raul Escabar, the producer for the show, burst out of the door with a big grin on his face. "I have something you don't, N!"

"Lemme guess. You have the secret of my initial?"

"No, though that would be slightly cray cray, considering we've known each other for nigh on 20 years and you still haven't told me."

"Why do I get the feeling it's going to be something embarrassing you'd use to blackmail me into doing another photoshoot in a bunnygirl suit?"

"What? No! I only had you do it once!"

Ivy piped up, genuinely curious, "Then what is it, Raul? And why did you put N in my bunny suit?"

"It's a copy of Bionic Commando for the NES!" Raul proudly stated, holding up the cartridge like a certain elf-boy would hold up his various tools of the trade, following up with "and it was also Mavis' idea for one of her magic shows. The ladies love N."

ULTRA SIX SIX SIXTY-FOUR!

Ultra 64 tells gory war stories in Bionic Commando!

AUTHOR'S CUT: The only Bionic Commando we're worried about is the one for the Nintendo Entertainment System; not the arcade version, the 2008 ReArmed version or indeed the 2009 reboot by the now-defunct GRIN.

-=24=-

In 1980s-ish time, an Empire of... uh screw it let's just call them East Germans, have launched a full scale attack on the free world, starting with that pesky Federation Armed Forces, a totally legit United States Military Branch from the 1980s...ish time.

Federation President: Insert Air Force One quote, specifically that one about not appeasing terrorists here.

So they sent out world-class national hero Super Joe to find out what the East Germans are up to. Unfortunately, he gets as far as the Black Forest before the UFA loses contact with him.

Federation COM-TAC Specialist: I knew we should've invested into satellite coverage!

Federation Armed Forces Commander: Never Fear! We shall send our most advanced cyborg yet to do your job for us! In fact, I think we have a prototype arm powered by human souls lying around here somewhere.

Federation Armed Forces COM-TAC Specialist: Don't we already have a cyborg out in the field by the name of Radd Spencer?

Federation Armed Forces Commander: Don't be ridiculous! No one will take him seriously with that name!

And yet, this Radd Spencer had already infiltrated the oil refinery with which the East Germans produce their economy.

Radd Spencer: I hope no one finds out that my grappling hook arm is my sole means of ascending. You know the saying; white cyborgs can't jump.

Blowing up the refinery six feet high, he gets a comms device with which he can contact his Commanding Officer.

Radd Spencer: This is Radd Spencer! I've infiltrated Area 01 and destroyed their super-computer!

MA1: Good, now keep an eye out for palette-swapped versions of this comms device. We've got word that these comms devices sell for a ton of coin at the black market.

Meanwhile, in the Mushroom Kingdom...

Bowser (Super Mario Bros.): The hell do I do with one of these crazy keypad gummy/taffy I got from the black market?

Back in 1980s-ish time, Radd Spencer gets a flare in a neutral house, and proceeds to give the second level some flair with that flare.

Radd Spencer: ooh, homophones.

After reaching and subsequently sploding second stage supercomputer stuff, Radd proceeds to climb the infamous Chinese military base Fort Mount Everest.

Chinese Commander Combra Knock-off Toy: I've got kung-fu grip!I also sound like Korean Unlicensed Transmorphing Action Evil Plane-Robot Collector's Trinket

No time for things that were clearly made in flea markets. Speaking of, Radd Spencer soon infiltrates a sewer level, filled to the brim with venomous blobs. What does that have to do with flea markets, you may ask? Mortus, what are those blobs made of?

Mortus (Comix Zone): these amorphous blobs are made from liquid eye of random fleas that Roadkill rat picked up over the break, and also some leftover substances from whatever photoshop trickery Sketch is using these days instead of actually drawing! I MEAN, IS IT A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A NEW DRAWING OF ME?

I'm sorry, no 'shop daubs. Meanwhile in Empire HQ, the East German Venti-Grande-Supercommandant Generallismo Killt details his master plan.

Generallismo Killt: Ve shall resurrect the most vile, most dangerous var criminal ever zu walk ze face of zhe erf!

Before you ask, Millenials; he's not referring to Jeremy Kemp or however you say Berlin Lederhosen in 1980s-ish East German dialect. I'll give you three guesses as to who that might be. Elsewhere, Radd is collecting all the gummy/taffy comms devices.

Radd Spencer: hey, I do enjoy me a fair bit of catching them all.

After reaching about five different areas, Radd finally catches wind of a lead on Super Joe. Took him long enough.

Radd Spencer: It's not easy tranquilizing dudes when I could just shoot them with lemons, you know.

Less of a mess that way. After procuring a Rawket Lawnchair, a 3-Way Gun, and a freakin' boomstick from a top tier black-marketeer, our intrepid bionic hero reaches the prison blocks in area 14½. Blowing it open with a rawket, he finds Super Joe! 'bout bloody time.

Super Joe: My chin was about to be sanded off! Good timing, unknown soldier whom I'm sure I'll never meet again! Take this machine gun I hid in my pecs and go kill us some East Germans for me while I go on vacation to Mycaruba.

Radd Spencer: no way. You're coming with me to defeat the East Germans, soldier! Don't you go AWOL on me!

Radd Spencer and Super Joe's combined might frighten all East Germans, except for Generallismo Killt, who puts his plans into motion as soon as the intrepid duo reach the final boss room.

Generallismo Killt: You're too late! I haff completed my program sequence to initiate zhe start-up of ze countdown to zhe new age of villains! Behold! A revived HITLAAAAAAAAAA!

The Boys from Brazil Concert Disco Choir: HEIL! HEIL! RIGHT IN DER FUHRER'S FACE!

Master-D: My name is Master-D, thank you. I no longer need you or your copy-cat plastic dolls from a third world country, thank you. I can take over the world just fine, thank you. I'm sure that those fine gents over there have an idea who I am a thinly-veiled expy of, thank you.

Radd Spencer: Would you like to eat some rocket-powered citrus fruit?

Master-D: I'm deathly allergic to citrus, thank you. One bite will cause my head to explode in sheer explosive power, thank you.

Generallismo Killt: WHAT? Get zhe heck out of here, you nerd!

Master-D: We were having a civil discussion, thank you. Prepare to thank me for making your name more appropriate, thank you.

Master-D civil discusses the shit out of Killt using arc lightning.

Master-D: I've always wanted to become a flying battery, thank you.

Meanwhile, near Angel Island

Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik (Sonic the Hedgehog): OH HO! I shall use this very phrase on my next attempt to destroy that puny blue spinyman and his fox friend once and for all!

Back in 1980s-ish East Germany, Radd Spencer ignores Master-D's warning about citrus fruit allergy and accidentally shoots one into his mouth. Master D's head splattered over the TV screen. YOU WIN!

ULTRA 64

Ultra 64 Episode 209

Game Data

Bionic Commando

© 1988 Capcom Co. Ltd

Genre: Platformer

Max Players: 1