He still had not returned. She felt as though she would lose her mind; she really needed to ask Ben, Kylo – whoever he would be at that moment – what he meant by giving her the book. It was another mystery that she needed to solve. At the moment, there were so many, she did not even know where to begin.
She needed to know what he was trying to tell her by giving her this book, what he had thought about whenever he looked at it all those years that they had not seen each other. She needed to know where he was right now, what he was doing, who he was hurting. She needed to know what he had done in the past, who had manipulated him into becoming this shadow of his former self. She needed to know what he thought of her, and who she was now. Had he even thought about it in the past? Is that why he brought her here?
All those questions were burned into her mind, and they were almost all she could think about. She needed answers, or she was worried that she would lose her sanity. So much confusion and possible anguish could not be healthy for a person.
A few rare visits from FN-2187 made the days go by a little quicker. He would come by to see how far she had gotten through the book, and sometimes he would bring by a meal that did not taste as though it was made of cardboard. She trusted him, and aside from Ben, he was probably the only friend she had honestly ever made. They never really laughed together, though. Both of them still had too much to lose, and too much to gain. She was constantly worried that he would be caught trying to help her. He had tried to put her mind at ease by insisting that it did not matter if he got caught – she was Kylo Ren's prisoner, and Ren was the only one who could truly reprimand him if he did not want FN-2187 to see her. It did not help, however. She had seen first-hand what General Hux was capable of, how much he seemed to loathe her. She felt he would not be so lax in his punishment if he knew that one of his own Stormtroopers was treating her with such kindness. It was just another reason to want Kylo – Ben, back on base. He was the only one she trusted to keep Hux away from her, from both of them.
She counted the days by counting her meals – three meagre meals meant another day had gone by. So far, she had counted 63 meals; three weeks had passed since she had last seen him. Counting the stars was not working anymore, and she was trying to spare herself from reading too quickly. As much as she loved this book, this enormous tomb of histories and stories of people she had never heard of and would never meet, she needed to be able to enjoy it for as long as possible. She had no idea when he would come back. Whenever she read it, it made her forget about her current worries. It just made her remember all the stories she had told him, and how much she had enjoyed using her imagination.
Reading the book had made her imagination come to life once more. Her dull and simple life on Jakku had made her forget what kind of adventures were out there waiting for her, for anyone. What kind of adventures she could dream up to make her own life seem a little less slow and anxiety ridden.
When she was younger, she had often imagined herself becoming one of the many brave women she read about in Ben's books. She had revered his mother as well – she had always seemed so strong, so sure of herself; and yet so full of love for her husband, her brother, and her son. She had talked about it with him often; how she wanted to be brave enough to explore the galaxy and fight for what she believed in just like her own mother had, just like his mother did. She had always deemed herself as being too frightened, though. Ben was the one who had made her feel differently. "I'll be there with you," he had said. At the time, she was incapable of realizing just how much she needed that statement to be true.
Cara had begun reading the book once more to pass the time, a glorious tale of a female pilot that had fought bravely against the Empire in the name of the Resistance; many years before Luke Skywalker discovered his powers and destroyed the Death Star. There were times when she was younger when Cara had thought about becoming a pilot – but the minute she had her first foray on a ship with Han Solo and Ben after her parents had passed, she had immediately given up on the idea. She was happy to fly together with Ben wherever he wanted to take her, but she was happier with the idea of being able to help the people they would come across on their many planned journeys together – the very reason she had trained to become a medical officer.
"I see you've received my gift."
She had not even heard him come in the door. Either his footsteps had become a lot softer, or she had been so engrossed in the story she was reading she had failed to hear him set foot inside her cell. She was so surprised, she did not even know what to say to him. The blood started pounding in her ears as she looked up at him from her spot on the floor, elated to see that he had neglected to wear his helmet in coming to see her.
"Apparently it has had more of an emotional effect on you that I had originally anticipated." He said, an infuriating tone of supremacy woven throughout his words.
"Where – where have you been?" She asked, clutching the book to her chest as she stood to face him.
"That is none of your concern."
"Then why did you tell me you were leaving?"
As soon as she had asked the question, she heard the sound of heavy footfalls outside her door – Stormtroopers were passing outside in the hallway. Amongst the clicking of their armour and the sound of their footsteps she heard another sound that made her skin grow cold; she heard the sound of a man struggling, a man threatening his captors to release him, a man desperate to get out of the situation he was currently in. She recognized the sound because she had uttered it herself not all too long ago. Her eyes grew wide as she realized the First Order, or perhaps, Kylo alone, had taken another captive on board. She was no longer alone in her situation. The thought made her heart sink and bile rise in her throat.
"What have you done? Who have you taken?" She asked, a hint of panic in her voice. She could not keep her emotions under control. The thought of somebody going through the same torturous process as she once had made a shiver run her spine.
"It does not concern you." He repeated, obviously already over this topic of conversation.
"Of course it does! If I can hear him scream right outside in the hallway, it concerns me."
"He has information about the motives of the Resistance. We need to retrieve it from him."
"Is this another person you knew in a past life and have now decided to capture for your own malicious intent?"
As happy as she had been to see him a few minutes ago, as angry as she was to be standing in front of him now. She was thankful for the reminder of what he was capable of. She needed to remember that he was still drawn to the Dark Side, even if she sometimes saw the light in him.
"No, I have reserved that honour for you, and you alone." He said, smirking at her obvious distaste for his actions.
"Do not mock me right now, Ben Solo."
"I would like to know what it is you thought of my gift." He said, clearly trying to change the subject. She noticed that he did not mention his revulsion at his birth name; normally he would have angrily told her that that was not his name, not anymore.
She could hardly deny that she had enjoyed it – he had caught her engrossed with reading it as he had walked in. She was still curious as to why he was so anxious to know what she thought of it. She decided to ask him a question instead; she felt he did not deserve to have his own curiosity satisfied right now.
"Why did you keep it all this time?"
"History is a just another manner in which to educate yourself. That particular book has one of the best records of history that we know of." He said.
"You cannot stand there and tell me the only reason you kept this is for education. It means something to you, the same way it did back then. This was your favourite, Ben! You can't tell me that it does not remind you of who you used to be."
"If it did, I would not have kept it."
"Once again, it seems you're lying to me." She said.
The snide smirk fell off his face as he regarded her hardened stare. She was sick and tired of being lied to by him. She was sick of hearing him deny who he really was, where he came from. She was sick of him denying that she used to mean something to him. Spending time away from him had given her the time to get her thoughts straight regarding her situation. She knew better now.
"Do you remember when I used to tell you stories?" She continued, challenging him to interrupt her.
"I told you stories because you asked me to. You were fascinated by them. You allowed me to borrow this book because I once told you that it was an incredible source of inspiration. So yes, I agree, this is a wonderful tool for education. But that is not what it stands for. Not between us."
He said nothing, seemingly rooted in place as she continued her monologue. She wondered if three weeks of not seeing her, had reverted him back to the way he had been when he had first taken her – she needed to remind him of what he had put her through, and what she had tried to get him to believe in once more.
"I told you stories because you asked me to, yes, but I also told you stories because you wanted to believe you were the hero in them. You wanted to believe you could be as brave and courageous as those Jedi Knights, as wise and cunning as some of the most revered leaders in history. You needed to believe that one day, a book like this would be written about you, Ben Solo. My stories were merely a place holder until that could one day happen."
She steeled herself for what she was about to say next. She knew it was true, but it was still hard to admit out loud. Maybe she needed to hear herself say it before she could truly believe it.
"You have come far since those days. You have become the exact opposite of what you once wanted to be. You are still the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo. Your uncle is Luke Skywalker. You had all the right tools, all the right people to guide you. I would have guided you. I would have helped you. And yet, you decided to throw it all away. Throw it away because someone convinced you that the Dark Side would make you stronger, and more powerful. I agree. You seem to have become more powerful than I ever could have imagined."
It finally seemed as though he had something to say to her.
"And yet, you seem to disapprove."
"You're right. I do disapprove. You are kidnapping people, you have undoubtedly hurt many people on many different planets. You are working for an organization that has done nothing but kill and destroy. I have tried to deny it because of what I feel for you. I knew, deep down, what it was you had become. But there have been moments, Ben, moments where I could see who you used to be, and suddenly, it was as though I was blinded, and I could not remember all the terrible things I somehow know you have done."
"Does this speech of yours have a point?" He asked, but she could tell that her words were affecting him. His lip was trembling, and there was a slight tremor in his fingers as he tried to control the shaking of his body.
"I loved Ben Solo. I still love Ben Solo. But I will never condone the actions of Kylo Ren. If Ben Solo ever wants to come back to the light, and I truly hope he does, then he will need to atone for his actions. Because this man standing in front of me? This man, who acts so flippant about a man who has been taken prisoner on his orders? This is not the man I considered to be my friend, my family."
"I think we can both agree that you thought of Ben Solo as more than a friend." He said, trying to save face. He had gripped the hilt of his lightsaber once more, trying to steady himself as he listened to her words. He wanted to turn away and stop listening to her, but he could not. He could not tear himself away from her.
"I might have, at one point. That doesn't matter right now."
He suddenly ripped his lightsaber from its holster, his breathing heavy and his shoulders hunched. He squeezed his eyes shut, as though he was in pain, and she was suddenly glad to see that he could still feel agony. It placed them on an equal playing field. For a moment, she thought he might throw another tantrum in her cell, tearing the place to pieces once more. He controlled himself, however, even though the lightsaber illuminated his face in an angry red light. It made his features look more pained than they already were.
He stared at her a moment longer, as though trying to think of something else to say. Somehow, he had thought that not seeing him for a while would make her miss him, would make her more compliant to his wishes, to his demands. It seemed to have had the opposite effect, however. She was more defiant than ever. He could feel a strange twinge in his gut; it signified a peculiar combination of pride and anger.
She wanted him to realize that the man in front of her was not someone she could learn to love. She wanted him to realize that she could only love him if he admitted the mistakes he had made, and the horrors he had committed.
He turned on his heels, lightsaber still tightly clutched in his hand as he opened the door with such force that it was almost ripped off its hinges. Before he could slam it behind him once more, however, she had one last thing to say to him.
"I do love the book. Thank you, Ben Solo."
She knew he had heard her. Instead of slamming the door closed, he pulled it shut, barely making a sound as she was left to read the book on her own once more.
A/N: Another update that I truly hope you enjoy :) I have a more grounded idea of where I want to take this story further now; any other ideas and feedback you may have for me can always be of help, so if you like, reviews are always appreciated!