Christian's POV

I am living in hell and I don't know how to get out of it, the flames are lapping at my feet and it was me that stupidly lit the fire three days ago.

On Monday night we'd had our dinner and Ana was falling asleep so I lay down with her so that she felt safe and she fell asleep in my arms. I felt in control and everything in our little bubble was perfect and I unintentionally drifted off into sleep myself, I had intended to simply rest until she slept and then continue with work and trying to figure out Morton's motivation and what other risks there were for us and the rest of the family. However, as per normal, holding Ana relaxed me and I really didn't want to leave and I fell asleep, but at some point in the night or rather, the early hours of Tuesday morning, I woke to Ana elbowing me to make me let go. I was tackling her, albeit not as bad as the first time but I was using my weight and pushing her into the mattress.

I let her go, again mortified that I could potentially have hurt her and she calmed me down and once I was able to focus on her, she said "It's ok Christian but maybe you need to feel in control again." She paused and then she said "I don't know what you used to do in your playroom, each time we start to discuss it, we are distracted but I think you need to go back in there. Will you take me in there and regain your control as long as you don't cane me?"

I stared at her offering herself up to me and while my heart told me not to do it, that it would be a bad idea, my sleep and trouble befuddled brain thought I could do it, thought I could show her the pleasurable side of the playroom and take back my control in doing so. Maybe it was my little head that was thinking but whatever, it was by far the worst decision I have ever made in my life.

Ana was determined to walk to the room, whether she knew that she wouldn't want to rely on me at the end of it or whether she wanted to show that she was almost better, I don't know but I walked in front of her full of anticipation and opened the door to the playroom, the room that had helped me so much in the past, or so I thought. In the weeks since I'd known Ana, I had been more than a little concerned at what Ana's impression of the room would be but as I stood there, the familiar scent of the room filled my nostrils and I felt my back straighten and my essence strengthen and I looked at her to gauge her reaction.

Ana looked around at the room, her eyes widening but she didn't say a word and as she turned to look at me, she gasped and dropped her eyes, her whole body taking on a submissive stance and I was gone.

I can hear every sound, every word I uttered, every note of music that played, as if on repeat in my brain and now still three nights later I can't forget a second of it and I wonder if I ever will, if perhaps this is my purgatory, I don't deserve anything less.

"In here Ana, there will be no smart mouth or there will be a punishment. In here Ana, you will call me Sir. In here, you will do exactly as I say and this will be for your pleasure and mine. Do you understand?"

Ana just nodded but didn't look at me.

"When I ask you a question you answer, with words and you say "Yes Sir", is that understood?" I asked harshly.

Ana nodded and then quickly amended to "Yes Sir" but the tone was tortured and the response whispered and she didn't look at me. Now that I think about it as I have for the last three days, she was already closing down on me, scared of my tone, scared of what I had become, who knows what memory I'd already revived at this point.

"I'm not going to hurt you Anastasia" and even that, the fact that I used her full name shows that I had been completely absorbed by my Dom persona and she knew that but didn't know what it entailed, just that it scared her. Had I been aware as I should have been, I would have stopped, hell, I would never have started.

"Anastasia, I am going to make you aware of your body like you never have before, I will worship it and I will make it respond like you could not even imagine. Are you ready?" And she nodded and as I cleared my throat, she remembered and whispered her response.

"Remember we discussed safe words? 'Yellow' if you can't handle what I am doing and need me to slow it down, that you are at the end of your endurance, 'Red' if I've pushed too far and I need to stop immediately." Ana responded affirmatively but I wish she'd said "Red" right then and stopped me because by that point, I'd probably already pushed too hard.

I pulled her against me and kissed her like my life depended on it, in a way thanking her for doing this and subconsciously weakening her defences. Taking her crutches I leaned them against the bed and then carried her to the wooden cross against the wall, I removed her pyjamas with as much assistance from Ana as she could muster, the trembling of her body I mistook for anticipation and then backed her up against the cross, leaning my body into her so she could feel my bulge against her body. Grinding so there was no doubt and revelling in the intake of breath, I knew that I was affecting her and I assumed in a good way.

I raised both her hands over head and cuffed her into place and then her ankles were locked into place too, I didn't intend to keep her there too long so was sure her body could handle it but I did support her cast. I ran my hand along her face, down her throat, around her glorious breasts and down, my lips following the same path, as I reached her breasts, I kissed and suckled each as she tried to stand still, the restraints holding her but a small gasp escaped as I teased the nipples until they were long and hard and it was obvious that Ana felt sensations that she'd never felt before from her small whimper.

I continued teasing, my hand continuing down her body to her core and just as it felt like she would release, I pulled away and walked to the toys drawer and found what I wanted her to experience next, nothing too heavy, just a different experience. I waited for her breathing to calm and returned with the Wartenberg pinwheel, its prickly pins I rolled over her breasts, tickling and teasing, the pleasure and the pain alternating until again she was close to release. Again I stopped, I loved the fact that I was in control, finally I was in control again and I was loving her so much for having given me back that control.

One more time, I promised myself, I started with grinding myself against her and then continued with my hand, inserting my fingers and circling them inside her as my thumb pressed down as a counter point, her body building again, I took her right to the edge as it looked like her eyes were going to roll into her head, again I stopped and she shuddered.

The beads of sweat were covering her beautiful body and I leaned in to kiss her, wanting to taste her and thank her but she closed her lips on me, and shut her eyes and it annoyed me, I don't know how I didn't understand, I had always been aware of how the subs were feeling but I just didn't get the read on Ana and instead decided to be angry at her denying me.

I stalked over to the drawer knowing her eyes were following me and found what I wanted, something to let Ana know not to deny me and when I walked back, she closed her eyes, her breathing shallow and without giving her an opportunity to think or say anything I trailed the crop down between her breasts and then flicked it so it hit her in her most sensitive spot. Her mouth opened into an O and I know that the whole pain and pleasure response has made every other girl succumb with an ultimate high, I assumed that was Ana's response and so I flicked it again, this time against her left nipple and she made a strangled sound.

"Absorb" is all I said and continued, flicking it against each erect pert nipple as she moaned, I dragged it back down between her breasts and down to where no one but I had ever touched, lingering for a second and then I lifted it and flicked it so that it wrapped around her body and stung against her buttocks and it was then, too late I realised.

"Red" a strangled moan and she collapsed against her cuffs, her body slumped, the tears flooding her face but she made no other sound, the silent sobs wracking her body, she wouldn't look at me as I desperately and quickly unclipped her hands and ankles, apologising as I did so.

She allowed me to hold her upper body against mine as I uncuffed her ankles but as soon as I tried to wrap my arms around her and comfort her, saying "I'm sorry Ana, I'm so sorry baby, I'm so sorry", she pulled her arms up and pushed me away unbalancing me as I rocked on my heels.

Still not looking at me, she reached for her pyjamas and pulled them on silently and hopped to her crutches, the tears had stopped but she wouldn't look at me, she didn't say anything and all that control that I thought I had, disappeared and I couldn't even control my limbs to move. I was frozen to the spot as I saw her hobble to the door and turn not towards our bedroom but towards the stairs. This galvanised me and I ran to help her and she hissed with pure vehemence, "Don't touch me."

I stopped in my tracks and watched her and my heart walk away, as she reached the bottom Gail came out and Ana spoke quietly to her and when Gail looked up at me for direction, I just waved my hand to indicate, do as she asks, I had just lost any right to Ana. I'd just abused Ana, not only had I practiced orgasm denial on her but I had just hit Ana. I'd just hit Ana. The thought reverberated through my brain. How the hell did I think it was ok to hit Ana. Oh God, I'd just hit Ana. Ana didn't want anything to do with me anymore and I didn't blame her one little bit. I'd just hit Ana. My stomach flipped and I barely made it to a bathroom and out came the contents.

An hour later a surly looking Taylor walked into the bathroom and nudged me with his boot, barely controlled anger lacing his voice as he notified me, "Miss Steele is safe in her apartment, Sawyer is stationed outside her door and will be alternated with Ryan, both of whom I can trust to ensure no further damage occurs to her," with that he turned and walked out leaving no doubt that I was included as a threat to her.

Taylor said "Her apartment" my brain imploded and I curled up on the floor sobbing, right then I knew I'd lost Ana, the only thing worth living for, she trusted me and gave me control. I lost that control and not only abused her trust, I abused her.