She had read through the entire book, and the days were once more becoming longer than she wanted them to be. She was tired of waiting for Kylo Ren or Ben to come see her again. She was tired of anxiously awaiting the return of FN-2187, knocking on her door to whisk her away from this wretched planet. It had only been a day since he had come to share the news, and yet she still did not know if she would have the strength to accompany him when the time came. There was a part of her that truly wanted to leave; to leave this place that had caused her so much anguish and confusion and just forget – perhaps she could get someone else to place a new barricade on her memories. Another part of her was slowly being torn apart at the thought of leaving Ben without saying goodbye. Would he come looking for her? Would she allow him to find her?
All these thoughts and more had been circling her mind for the past 24 hours, 3 meals and 678 tallied stars. Pointlessly, she hoped that she would get a sign, anything that would tell her what to do. Anything that would make this decision easier. She tried placing herself in a story, trying to picture herself as someone who was infinitely more decisive than she was. She thought that perhaps a different perspective of someone she wished she could be would help her make a choice. When that did not work, she tried to remember a similar time where she had had to make this kind of judgement call. She could not. No memory came to mind that was as emotionally charged as the situation she currently found herself in.
That was the biggest obstacle she faced – she needed to overcome her wide range of emotions. In the time that she had been on this ship, this planet, she had felt the entire spectrum of human emotion – happiness, anger, sadness, jealousy, hate, hope, bliss. All directed at one person. It was times like this where she wished she could just ask Ben Solo for advice. He had always been the more logical of the two, only ever letting his anger get in the way. Anger, however, was an emotion that could help you focus. Hope and happiness were not.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard a commotion outside her door. She stood up from the floor, clutching the book to her chest. She may have finished reading it, but it was a comforting presence; a heavy object that helped her feel grounded. She figured the book had the same effect on her as Kylo Ren's lightsaber did for him. A stable and steady presence that could help you centre yourself. Help you remember where you were.
Her eyes widened at the scene outside her door. The familiar eerie red light of Ren's lightsaber illuminated the hallway, sparks flying out of control panels and Stormtroopers backed against the wall, trying to put as much distance between themselves and his weapon as possible. She felt sorry for them; her friendship with FN-2187 had made her point of view on the soldiers change. Perhaps there were more that felt just as trapped and confused as her friend did. She hoped there were. She hoped those of them who did feel just as conflicted were not currently standing in the only part of the corridor she could get a glimpse of.
Of course, he could sense her presence. As soon as she looked out the window, his gaze turned towards her, the turn of his head looking particularly menacing under his heavy mask. She barely dared to look at him, instead, trying to focus all of her attention on the Stormtroopers currently flat with their backs against the wall. One of them seemed to notice her stare, as the other one seemed to notice Ren's sudden lack of attention. They were smart, she realized, as they quickly used this probably small window of time to back away from the scene of devastation and make a running start down the hallway.
He knew that they had left. It did not matter to him. Instead, he fully turned his body towards her, and she could feel his gaze even through the mask and the window, studying her features carefully. She wondered what could have made him so angry this time – it was almost impossible that it was something she had done or said; he had barely acknowledged her presence since he had come back from his three week stint away from the base. Away from her.
He stood right in front of her door, staring straight at her. She took the hint, stepping backwards, and the door swung open as he used his abilities to enter her cell. She tried to steady her breathing, clutching on to the book tighter in attempt to control the tremor she could feel in the tips of her fingers. His demeanour was strange, she realized. She would have expected his breathing to be heavy, his shoulders to be heaving and his hands to be shaking after having shown such rage. Instead, he was uncannily calm – she could barely tell he was breathing at all, and he even retracted his lightsaber before slowly lifting his hands to the side of his mask to pull it off his head. Cara did not know whether to be frightened or relieved. She needed to measure his current mood, understand what had made him so angry in the first place. It was the only way she was going to be able to relax. His helmet remained tightly clasped under his arm as he surveyed her expressions.
"Care to tell me what has made you so angry this time?" She expected him to say something along the lines of none of that being her business, as he had done in the past. She could not hide her surprise when he openly spoke of what had maddened him so just a few moments earlier.
"Those Stormtroopers are a bunch of incompetent fools – incapable of simply watching over a prisoner. Incapable of following simple instructions."
She swallowed visibly, trying to hide her nerves from his prying eyes. She knew what this meant – FN-2187 had succeeded in freeing the prisoner. The pilot. FN would come for her next; she just hoped he would pick the right time. She questioned if she would know what to do.
"I see." She said, trying to keep the tone of her voice as emotionless as possible. She was worried, though. She may be speaking to Kylo Ren, but Ben was still in there – and he knew her better than anyone else.
"In any case, that is not why I came in here."
She did not respond, electing to wait for him to continue instead.
"I accept your apology." He continued, taking a step closer towards her in order to better read her response. The look that crossed her face was one of confusion; she had no idea what he was referring to.
"I don't remember apologizing to you." She said, clearly under the impression that she was currently speaking to Kylo Ren, and not Ben Solo.
"Yes, you do. You just didn't realize you were doing it." He said, taking another step closer towards her.
She sucked in a breath as it dawned on her which apology he was alluding to. She had not even realized she had been directing it at him at the time. She had no idea he had been listening. I'm sorry I did not listen. I'm sorry I did not help you.
"You – you heard that?" She asked, her voice dropping to a whisper.
"Yes. I came to see you."
"Then why didn't you come in?"
"Your apology was enough."
"Enough for what?" She questioned, her pulse quickening as she waited for his answer.
"Enough for now."
His response was infuriating – it was simultaneously completely devoid of any actual answer and yet somehow it was exactly what she needed to hear. It was as though he was telling her, in his own way, that she was enough for him. Not just her apology, but her presence. It emboldened her to ask her next question.
"Do you need me here?" She asked, holding her breath as she awaited his answer. Perhaps it would be the sign she was looking for, the sign she needed. The sign she needed to know if she wanted to stay.
He did not answer immediately. Instead, he studied her face, searched her eyes, as though her expression would give him the inspiration he needed to reply. A long moment passed, a moment in which neither of them said anything, not wanting to break this spell of serenity that seemed to pass between them. It was a comfortable silence; the likes of which neither had experienced in a long time. She almost did not want his answer anymore, afraid of having the moment pass into another experience that he would deem meaningless.
"I don't know."
"I think you are lying to me, Kylo Ren."
"Is that so?"
"I think you know that Ben Solo needs me here."
Instead of an angry retort, he smirked at her. It was a smirk that belonged to Kylo Ren, not her old childhood friend. It was a smirk that made a shiver run up her spine. It was a smirk that did not fool her. She knew she had struck a chord as the colour of his eyes darkened slightly with bitterness.
"You resent the fact that I know I'm right." She said, allowing him in on her thoughts without agreeing to have him invade her personal memories.
The smirk faded from his face. She took the opportunity to take a step closer in his direction, closing the gap between them until she could feel the heat radiating from his body, warming her.
"You resent the fact that you know I'm right."
He looked down at her – and to an outsider, it might look as though he had the upper-hand. She knew better, though. They both did. These were the answers she was looking for. He was giving them to her without even uttering a single word. These were the sentiments she would need to make her decision later.
"Ben Solo does not exist anymore." He said, trying to regain some semblance of control. His body language betrayed his lack of confidence however, as she noticed how he curled his hand into a fist and his lips trembled as he gazed at her.
"Ben Solo is a part of you, Kylo Ren. I hope I can help you remember that someday."
His eyes snapped open wide at her choice of words. Someday. As though she was planning to leave, right here, right now. Soon. She noticed the action, yet thought nothing of it. She passed it off as merely another heated reaction at the truth of her words. She was only partly right, though. He knew what was coming.
She was surprised as he suddenly turned away from her, slamming the door behind him without uttering another word. A cold breeze wafted through the room, sending goose bumps up and down her arms as the lack of his body heat left her shivering. She was still clutching the book, her fingers gripping it so tightly that the tips had gone completely white.
She stood there for a while, mulling over the encounter she had just had with Kylo Ren. There was no mistaking that it had been him she had been talking to, and not Ben Solo. He had been much too calm, seemingly ungoverned by his emotions. The only moment she had caught a glimpse of her old friend was when he had said that he accepted her apology. Kylo Ren may have said it, but Ben was the one who meant it. She was so deep in her thoughts that she barely heard the pounding on her door.
A friendly face Cara had come to know quite well was on the other side of the entry; a serious look in his eyes that she had not seen there before. He nodded at her, signalling that it was time to leave. She nodded back at him, acknowledging his presence, gripping the book even tighter to her chest as she slowly walked towards the door. It was now or never. She needed to make a decision.
A/N: I truly hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Thanks for sticking with this story and leaving such wonderful reviews. Next chapter coming soon!