Christian's POV
Today, four days later, I still haven't heard from Ana, I've sent her messages, I've tried to call and she won't answer the phone and I don't know if she has heard the increasingly desperate messages I have left for her, I even rang a florist and had flowers and her favourite chocolates delivered to her but nothing. Taylor has relented and spoken to me enough to tell me that he is receiving hourly reports from Sawyer and Ryan and that Gail has sent food to the apartment, whether it is being eaten and how she is feeling I don't know, they can't or won't tell me.
I go through the conversation we had before I took her to that room, yes, if she had been a sub she would have been topping from the bottom, she took the lead suggested we go in there. Why did I follow through with it? Ana was never going to be a sub, she doesn't think like a sub and she's been hurt too many times, that pain lies just below the surface and I knew that, yet I didn't question her decision.
She was giving me control, when I was in there I thought I had it but I never had control, it was just an illusion otherwise I would have realised that she was scared, that I was stirring up bad memories, I was too blinded by my own desires to see how badly what I did would affect her. Taking away all of her control when she has always been on a knife's edge balancing her awful memories and her beautiful personality was the worst thing I could do. She was always just winning the battle, not tipping over to the dark-side which would have been acceptable given the amount of abuse and horror that she has been subjected to over the years and where I have wallowed all my life.
Just as I go back into the loop trying to figure out how I continue to live without Ana, it hits me, this is exactly what Elena did to me, I thought I was in control with her but in fact I never was at all. I was always at her mercy, I never had anything important to lose because nothing meant anything to me, the next shiny trinket, the next nice suit, it was all a façade, a belief that I was in control but I was just a puppet, I was her plaything that she manipulated.
Now finally I had something worth living for, that made me feel from the inside, that made me alive and what did I do, I abused her like the pimp abused me, I am no more than the pimp abuser, taking something innocent and breaking it.
Like a wave the memories crash over me and I crawl along the floor and hide in the closet, just like I used to when I was a scared little boy, I can't think, I can't do, I just curl up and hope that the bad memories will disappear as I bury my face in the one item of Ana's clothing I could find that Gail hadn't washed, a soft cashmere sweater that I've clutched since she left.
Taylor's POV
It's been hell for four days, I wish I'd put a monitor on the door of that bloody room so I knew that someone had gone in there. What in the world possessed him to take her into there? He more than anyone knows what the hell she has gone through, what the fuck did he do to her? She wasn't walking funny like some of those girls so I know it wasn't that but it was something that she wasn't expecting, I've seen the haunted look in her eyes.
I have made sure she answers the door every day when I deliver the food and I can see she's not coping with this mess any better than he is and despite the fact that I want to give him the beating he so richly deserves for doing anything to that girl, I know he is beating himself up beyond anything I could ever do to him.
I know that both look like they aren't sleeping, I know he is not eating which is an indication of his despair in itself and the only thing he seems to be drinking is scotch and coffee, likewise somehow despite how magnificent Gail's food smells when I drop it off, I am pretty sure that Ana is just ditching it, she looks haggard and gaunt but at least she's answering the door.
I realise that both will have forgotten that they have an appointment with Dr Flynn today, they've already missed one and so decide to take matters into my own hands and see if the good doctor can help these two otherwise I will have to call in his mother and somehow I don't think either will want that intervention.
When I arrive at Ana's apartment, she takes longer than usual to answer the door which worries me and when I inform her that I am here to take her to Dr Flynn, she visibly shrinks but I tell her that I've brought Gail to assist her if she needs the assistance and that we are there for her but that Dr Flynn will be able to help.
Finally she allows us in and Gail audibly gasps at the sight of her "Oh Ana" she whispers and folds her into her arms at which point Ana breaks down and as Gail pulls her in tight, I can see how thin she has become and it's only four days! "Honey, let me feed you some soup, child, you need it to stay upright and heal."
The whisper we almost miss breaks both our hearts, "Why bother?"
Gail to her absolute credit carries Ana over to the couch and squats down next to her and says, "Because you're worth it. We don't know what happened on Tuesday morning but whatever it was, was a bad decision with awful consequences. We've known Mr Grey a long time and he is a good man although at times misguided and at the moment, he is a shattered man. And you, we've only known you for a little while but know that only goodness shines from you, you owe it to yourself to fight through this and be the best you can be. This is not your best. This is someone that has given up. This is not the worst you've ever faced, please let us help you."
And then my head jerks up when she says in a small voice full of surprise "He's shattered?" As we nod she groans and puts her head in her hands, "I asked him to take me to the playroom so that he could have some control back in his life, since I've been around, he has lost control of everything and I don't want to be the reason for that. He changed as soon as he walked into the room and it scared me, I couldn't handle it and he needs that. I want him to have his control back." Oh that explains the why and part of me understands why they ended up in there, the Boss really hasn't been able to think clearly since Ana has been around, I'm sure that both of them thought it was a good idea at the beginning but now he has not only lost control of everything, he has lost the one thing of value to him and that is Ana but it's not my place to be passing on that information.
"He needs you more than whatever that room used to give him." Gail says quietly as she spoons some soup up to Ana's parched lips.
"Will you go see Dr Flynn so that he can help you?" I ask gently and she nods so I continue, "Gail will help now and I will bring you there." That plan in place, I step outside to let Dr Flynn know that I will first bring Ana in and then attempt to bring Christian in as well and let him think about how to get them to resolve this situation, at least now I know why they ended up in the room. Ana decided to go in there and he agreed, two very bad decisions resulting in the worst possible consequence.
It doesn't take us long and we are at Dr Flynn's, Ana stubbornly has to walk in by herself although it's obvious that her body is aching from the lack of sustenance and even the usually impassive Dr Flynn looks shocked at her appearance as he helps her to the couch in his room.
When we return to the SUV so that I can collect Christian, Gail bursts into tears and I hold her in my arms until she calms, "Oh they are so silly the two of them. They need each other and she thought she was doing the right thing, what did he do to her do you think? I didn't see any marks on her when I helped her change so he didn't belt her or anything like that thankfully but he obviously did something and he scared her, that much I can gather, I wonder if it was just when he turned into his playroom persona, I always felt scared of him, it was otherworldly, I'm hoping that's all it was."
I have to disclose what I heard him say "I heard him say he hit her, so while she may have had no marks on her, which means that he mustn't have hit her hard, the mere fact that he hit her in any way I can't fathom and neither can he. He is in an awful spiral at the moment, I hope the good doctor can help them, let's get going." I kiss her deeply, glad that even with all my own fucked up shit, against the Boss I look like an angel and if that's how Gail wants to think of me, I'm happy to take it.
I can't find the Boss anywhere but Ryan assures me that he hasn't left the building so I go to his office and check under the desk, he's not in there, he's not out on the balcony, I have that on irrevocable lock so that there is no chance of him going outside and doing something stupid and then finally I find him in the closet, curled up, clutching Ana's sweater and whimpering. Shit, this is going to be harder than I thought and I am glad I am not inside his head at the moment, I am now feeling desperately sorry for him and Ana, the mountains these two have to surmount to have a remotely normal life are enormous and they keep lifting the peaks just to make it harder.
"Sir?" God he looks awful, it isn't a 27 year old I see before me, it's more like a scared little boy and it hits me, oh god, when his mother died, it was four days and we are now sitting at four days. He disclosed to Ana somewhere along the way that he'd hide in the closet when his mother's pimp used to come over and if the pimp heard him, a little boy, crying, he would haul him out and belt and burn him. Shit, how do I get him out of there without touching him? There's every chance he's regressing in his distressed state to that four year old boy, abandoned by his mother and at the mercy of the pimp.
"Sir?" I try again as those upsetting whimpers have diminished and I realise he is lying there quietly.
"Sir, I have brought Ana to Dr Flynn, he's awaiting your arrival." Perhaps, just perhaps he'll hear that Ana is there and want to go so that he can see her, although seeing him in this condition might be too much for Ana.
I move a little closer into the closet and see that he is asleep and realise that it might be the first time in the four days that he has fallen asleep and decide that this is as good a time to get him out of there and hopefully he'll wake up before I carry him into Dr Flynn's office. I hope he hasn't actually collapsed out of exhaustion and therefore needs hospital attention, his relationship with Ana is more important at this juncture because I don't think there will be any point to him living if that has gone.
I'm almost to the bed when I trip on the edge of the rug and jolt him and he wakes up and looks like he is going to try to attack but somewhere in the depths of his despair he notices it is me and calms. I turn and aim for the bathroom to stand him shaking next to the basin, "Sir, I have brought Ana to Dr Flynn, he's awaiting your arrival." I repeat as he steadies himself against the basin.
"How is she?" He rasps out, he sounds like he has a swollen tongue and smells like a homeless man.
"She needs help, as do you Sir." And that's all I am going to say, they need to talk to each other.
He nods, the vacant eyes he turns on me though scare me more than anything, it's like he's given up just as Ana's words implied. How frustrating that everyone else can see what these two cannot!
I unscrew the toothpaste and place the toothbrush in his hand and he goes through the motions mechanically then realisation hits and he says "Hang on, she's at Flynn's? Is he waiting for me? Will I see her?"
"Yes, Sir, you had an appointment and yes, she is there, I walked her in myself," and that galvanises him although his legs betray him and start to buckle as he tries to walk back to the bedroom.
As I catch him, the frustration and fear is palpable, "I don't give a fuck what I look like Taylor, just get me there, I need to see her, I need to beg her forgiveness, if she casts me away I don't know what I'll do, I can't live without her, but I need her to understand how sorry…" and he dissolves into tears overwrought by the emotion of these last four days and if that doesn't affect Ana, I don't know what will.
It always amazes me the muscle wastage that can happen in a short time of starvation and dehydration, I think it is the dehydration which is the major factor here, Gail's shocked face as I swing past her carrying the Boss like he's a baby instead of the strapping specimen of a man that he normally portrays says it all and I see her dissolve into tears behind me as I turn in the elevator. Yep, he is a mess and hopefully not beyond repair, the dehydration though worries me, he's almost hallucinating and his ability for coherent thinking is long gone I suspect.
As we pull up outside Dr Flynn's offices, he won't allow me to carry him but he leans really heavily on my arm and we are shown straight through as the receptionist has seen us coming and told Dr Flynn. The gasp from Flynn is enough to make the Boss lift his head but he doesn't look at him, his eyes find Ana on the couch and the pain that crosses his face as he takes in her gaunt appearance is nothing to the mirrored pain and shock on hers at his appearance.
It's obvious he's trying to will his body to work to carry him to Ana but his legs give way and before I can catch him, it's Ana who shouldn't be walking without crutches, that reaches him and collapses under him as he goes down, her broken leg at a very bad angle, her body twisted and Dr Flynn and I reach them and gently right him, Ana now clasped tightly in his arms, his head buried on her shoulder, her head buried in his.
"Christian, let her go, we need to check her," from John Flynn, is met with a determined head shake although he moves so she can shuffle herself to a more comfortable position.
"I'm not letting her go again." It's muffled but we all heard it, including Ana who tightens her grip.
"Sir, let us lift you both," I suggest and he allows me to support him while he stands holding Ana tight, both are shaking with emotion and I guide him over to the couch where he collapses as it hits the back of his legs.
Ana manages to wiggle her arms free and with her hands on either side of his face, scrunches up her nose, I'm sure at his smell and in a ragged tone asks, "What happened to you?" and I think the mental effort of making it here and seeing her in pain and then hearing that question, is all too much.
"You left." It's whispered and he closes his eyes and tightens his grip but looks like he is going to pass out, thankfully before he does, he struggles to open his eyes and says "I'm so sorry. Please believe me, I am so sorry."
It's no more than a whisper, "I was so scared, you changed in front of me, I couldn't think and then I realised you needed it. … And you hit me."
"I don't need it, I need you. And I am an idiot." And the effort is too much and he collapses as Ana becomes distraught watching him.
"Please do something, he doesn't deserve this. I thought if I left him, he could get on with his life," she says stroking his hair and sobbing looking between us as we stare open mouthed at her, she just doesn't get it, doesn't see how important she is to Christian, "Please do something," she pleads.
I turn to Dr Flynn and say, "He hasn't had anything to eat in nearly four days and has only had scotch and coffee that I know of and that was the first day, I don't think he has drunk anything much since."
Dr Flynn just shakes his head and runs out to his kitchen and comes back with a glass full of ice chips, pushing one at a time into Christian's mouth, "You should have told me earlier, when they missed the first appointment."
Well, yes I probably should have but I was mad him and I thought he was going to pull it together, "I'll call his mother and get him back to Escala." I say and then looking at Ana, "Wait here I'll be back for you." And god help me if she decides to move, if anything more happens to her, we still don't know if he damaged her when they fell. Thankfully she nods and stays put despite obviously wanting to be with Christian.
This time when I come back I don't bother with what she wants to do but I suspect the fall hurt her more than she is willing to admit, as doesn't say anything as I simply lift her and her crutches, time is of the essence, Dr Grace is on her way, exasperated with the two of them apparently but more concerned at the state of both to let that override her decisions.
I place Ana next to Christian and she curls herself around him as much as the seatbelts will allow, concern flooding her gaunt exhausted face, gently rubbing his hand, hoping to bring him back and just as we drive into the garage at Escala, Christian rouses, he doesn't open his eyes but mutters, "You left and you didn't look after yourself."
There's a gasp, "Pot, kettle, I'm still standing, what did you do?" and then what happens next has me smiling internally a little, there is hope for these two that were so meant for each other and just can't grasp the concept.
She ignores his silence as he tries to marshal his thoughts and again she wrinkles her nose, "You smell… a bit."