CHAPTER 40: BLURRY VISION

The ninth of August came too quickly.

Tifa had been anxious for Cloud's departure, even though it would only be for a few days. Sleep had eluded her the night before and she had tossed and turned next to her husband until the wee hours of the morning. What if something happened to him? The war was over, but ShinRA troops were still battling groups of protesters and small uprisings in different areas of the world. She was glad that apparently, there were others who were upset with the cold, tyrannical company and were brave enough to do something about it. Whether it was revenge or just change that they wanted, Tifa didn't know.

At some point, sleep must've taken her. The next time she opened her eyes, the vibrant red display on the alarm clock read 8:45 AM. Cloud didn't need to report to headquarters until eleven to catch his flight to Junon, so he could enjoy the luxury of sleeping in that morning. He shifted behind her and Tifa felt him stretch and yawn. Burrowing deeper into his side, she exhaled: she wasn't ready to get up. She had been rising early in the mornings with Cloud for months now, but lately her body protested to the point where not even her husband's encouraging kisses could coax her from her comfy heaven. When she first arrived in Midgar, it had been hard to sleep. On top of the mild insomnia that comes with being in an unfamiliar place, the fact that it was as dark at midday as it was at midnight in this city didn't help things. She had adjusted after a few weeks, but now it seemed that she had regressed and her body screamed for rest late into the mornings. Sometimes her stomach was upset and other times she'd suffer from a headache.

Could homesickness actually make one feel physically ill?

The couple lounged in their cramped bed together, quietly enjoying each other's presence before their brief separation. Tifa planted a sudden kiss on his ear and giggled as he flinched with surprise. Her body felt sluggish and heavy, but she threw back their quilt and willed herself to rise.

"I'll make you a big breakfast," she said with a sleepy smile. Cloud, who was always pleased by promises of food, grinned and sat up. "We can have giant pancakes, if you want."

"Oh, I'll eat anything." He slowly got to his feet and Tifa stifled a giggle at his comically sleep mused hair. Cloud rubbed her head as he headed toward the bathroom for a shower. "Thanks, Tifa."

Gently, she put weight on her ankle. It was feeling much better now and barely bothered her at all. A few days of ice and rest had done the trick. Running would be painful, but she could walk without too much trouble. Tifa was still embarrassed over the incident and felt guilty about making Cloud worry. He had been so attentive and caring: fetching her ice, helping her wrap her ankle in a compression bandage, and reminding her to keep her foot elevated. The poor guy was so busy and tired; shouldn't she be the one to be pampering him? Her husband was the type of person who was very conscious of his duties and responsibilities, but constantly afraid to fail. Cloud was perceptive and ambitious, and she did her best to be a source of peace and encouragement. Tifa wished he wouldn't be so hard on himself, but then again, she was her own worst critic as well.

She heard the water begin to run in the bathroom and stepped lightly into the tiny kitchen, collecting cooking utensils and ingredients. By the time Cloud was clean and dressed, she had just finished mixing the pancake batter. Out of the corner of her eye, Tifa could see him putting the finishing touches on the little coffee table he had put together. He ran a piece of sandpaper over the sides, carefully smoothing away any rough edges as he waited for his food. She closed her eyes at the smell of the fresh wood dust and thought about her father alone in his basement sanctuary. Cloud had proven himself to be quite a handyman, but his rudimentary woodwork wasn't anything like Papa's fine works of art. Was her father doing alright now that she was gone? Who would cook for him and tend to his laundry? Would anyone take care of him if he got sick?

Guilt pricked at her heart. Had she run away and abandoned her only flesh and blood? Tifa had written to him twice, but he had never replied. She could only assume that it was because he was still so angry with her. Claudia would've sent word if her Papa was ill, but none of her letters had mentioned him at all.

"That's looking great, Cloud! I can't believe you made that all on your own." Tifa sent a brief smile his way before using the spatula to flip a pancake. "You would've made a fine apprentice for my father if he wasn't so…picky."

"That's one way to put it." Setting the sandpaper down, he blew the dust off the table. "I still need to put a glaze finish on it, but we can finally eat on a table!"

"We're living like royalty, now!" She tittered, placing two towering plates of pancakes, toast and eggs on the freshly sanded table. Tifa sat across from him, drying her hands with a red dish towel before taking her first bite of pancake.

"I'm going to miss you, you know. What am I going to do without you?"

"Hopefully you'll get a hold on your clumsiness and avoid injury," Cloud said with a little smirk.

Tifa let out a mock angry huff and tossed the dish towel at his face. "After making a fool of myself in the train station, I'll definitely be more cautious."

Cloud smiled briefly as he placed the towel on the table before wearing a more serious face. "Seriously, be careful. Okay?"

"I will. I promise."

Halfway into her first pancake, she felt her stomach churning. Am I that nervous about him leaving? Tifa spent the rest of the meal picking at her food. Cloud eyed her suspiciously.

"Are you sure you'll be alright on the helicopter? I know it makes you feel sick."

"I hope so. I thought I'd be used to it by now." Cloud finished the last forkful of food on his plate, eye brows drawn together in thought. "I was hoping it was something I'd grow out of with time."

Tifa swallowed down her nausea. "Maybe once you get promoted to SOLDIER and get your mako injections, you won't get motion sickness anymore. It's supposed to make you an ultimate fighter, right?"

She noticed the slight slump of his shoulders as he shook his head, staring at his empty plate. "The truth is, I don't know if I'll ever be promoted. I'm still too skinny and weak to even qualify to audition for SOLDIER."

He was too thin? It was her responsibility to feed him. Maybe she could stretch their budget or rearrange their spending so that she could afford the meat and protein he needed to grow and build muscle. If she was honest with herself, Tifa was never very comfortable with the idea of Cloud becoming a member of SOLDIER. Imagining her kind hearted husband with the haunting glow of mako eyes sent a shiver down her spine. He was only a ShinRA grunt now, doing small things at generally low risk. But if he were to become a SOLDIER, he'd be constantly sent on dangerous missions so that ShinRA could milk as much as they could out of their human weapon.

Tifa tried her best to push her fear aside to support Cloud and his dream as much as she could, but her apprehension and anger at the company held her back a bit. Despite her uncertainty, she could never bring herself to ask him to find another job. Cloud never praised ShinRA, but never seemed to complain about it either. Should she rethink her bias against the company and believe they'd take care of her husband? Cloud seemed comfortable in his current position. Shouldn't she trust his judgement? Standing behind his decisions would demonstrate her trust in him, something Tifa strove to do. He was aware of how much she hates that he works for ShinRA, but was doing what he felt was necessary to secure a promising future for them.

His job was to lead, her job was to support. Maybe if she got a job, they'd make enough money to eat well. She could even help him save money to move out of the city! Being employed would also distract her from loneliness while Cloud was gone.

She turned all of these thoughts over in her head as she collected the dishes and washed them. Tifa tried not to let her apprehension show as she talked with Cloud, dressed and eventually followed him out into the city to see him off at the train station. He protested, but she donned a second hand pair of women's pants and a maroon blouse she had bought to fit in and linked her arm with his as they walked through the busy streets. No one wore modest dresses or girlish frocks around here, and she had felt embarrassed when she finally realized how out of place she looked. She didn't want to be noticed or stand out—her husband had warned her about that. Even though the frightening events of the week before were still fresh in her head, Tifa braved the slums anyway. If she was going to learn to thrive in Midgar, she'd have to be courageous.

The scent of fried food, exhaust and the light trace of urine in the air forced a wave of nausea into her throat. Careful not to look anyone in the eye, Tifa let her gaze take in the monotone atmosphere. She had dreamed of green grass and blue skies often now that everything had faded to grey and black. The overwhelming need to get out of this place thrummed at her chest with each beat of her heart; a girl like her who used to live under the sky felt like a trapped bird among the walls of buildings and the looming plate. Just how much did they give up to live this way?

"Cloud, I was thinking that maybe I could look for a job."

He regarded her with those striking blue eyes, but didn't slow his step. "Huh?"

She loosened their linked arms to twine her fingers with his as the train station came into view. "Yeah. I'm lonesome at home when you're gone, and I want to help make money to pay for things. Maybe then, you won't have to work so much. I miss you."

Cloud stopped then, guiding her to sit with him on a bench near the tracks and boarding platform. "It's my job to provide for you; I don't want you to feel like you need to work. But really, I just want you to be happy. If getting hired somewhere would make you happy, then I'm behind it."

A grin split her face. "It really would! I want to feel…useful. But, the only problem is that I'm not really sure what to do. I don't really have any skills."

"Sure you do. Mom taught you some sewing skills. And you're an amazing cook!" He scratched his head. "There are a lot of things you could do. What would you think of working for the company? They have so many different positions."

Her nose unintentionally wrinkled at the mention of ShinRA. Cloud sputtered an explanation.

"I know you're not crazy about ShinRA, but the pay is steady and it's less dangerous: there's security everywhere and it's on top of the plate! Plus, we could go to work and come home together every day."

The thought of commuting with Cloud daily was tempting, as was the lure of seeing the sky every day. But reluctance concerning the company still held her heart captive. Tifa found it hard to look anyplace but her lap. There was no logical reason to reject the prospect of a job with ShinRA, yet she felt like she was betraying her mother and herself by even considering such a thing.

Cloud's thumb rubbed over her knuckle. "Think about it while I'm gone, okay?"

"I will."

The train rolled into the station at exactly 10:35 and the pair stood to embrace one another. Cloud felt Tifa's head sink into his chest. It would be the first time in their three months of marriage that he wouldn't come home to her at night. Something about that felt so wrong. He kissed the top of her head and held her close.

"I love you. Take care of yourself."

His wife turned her head upward to look him in the eye. "I love you so much! Good luck, and I'll see you when you get back."

Be brave. She told herself. Be brave for him!

They walked to the train hand in hand. Tifa spoke after one more quick peck on the lips. "I'm so proud of you. You're so strong and brave and you work so hard. Remember: you don't need to be a SOLDIER to be my hero."

Somehow, she always knew what to say. Cloud always felt like he was mediocre at best, but Tifa always reassured him that he was on the right path. Everything was fine; he was doing okay. He loved the way her body felt against his and the way she fit perfectly in his arms. He had registered for this mission for the gil and would be signing up for more. Tifa had been so shaken up about falling in the train station that it only strengthened his drive to earn enough to get her out of this place. The whistle sounded and he kissed her nose before thanking her for her kind words and bidding her farewell. She didn't let go of his fingers until his feet were already inside the train car.

"Bye Cloud!" She waved at his pale face in the window. "Be careful!"

He gave her a small smile through the glass as the train lurched forward and slowly chugged away. Cloud watched her round face until it disappeared behind the crowd. He turned to face forward and slumped in his seat, pulling the jingle bell out of his bag and rolling it slowly between his fingers.

Good luck, she said.

Sighing, he closed his eyes. He wasn't sure how long it would take, but somehow they'd find better days.

… … …

"Hello, my name is Tifa. Are you hiring?"

The girl did her best to hide her western accent as she politely inquired about a paid position. Her dirty, worn sneakers looked out of place on the shiny while tiles and Tifa was careful not to put her hands on the marble counter top. Behind the desk was a sinewy looking man with a stiff button down shirt and thin set of glasses. He stared at her with indifference after looking her up and down.

"No."

"Oh. But the sign out front says—"

"Are you aware that this is a bank?"

The friendly smile fell from her face like the string holding it up had been cut. "Y-yes."

"Little girl, do you even have your high school diploma?"

Little girl? She was fifteen years old, for heaven's sake! Tifa gritted her teeth. She was a grown woman with a husband and household to take care of. In Nibelheim, she'd be treated like an adult. Why was it so different here? Tifa opened her mouth to protest his judgement on her maturity, but realized that she didn't have what he was looking for. She cast her gaze downward.

"No, I don't."

"Can't help you, then. Sorry."

Large carmine eyes watched him move behind the desk. Growing up in such a rural setting, she'd never imagined being pulled out of school so young would've had a real impact on her future. Advanced reading was a weakness, but she could ask Cloud to help her with that. She could count and write just fine! What did she need a diploma for? Surely if they just let her try…

The teller sighed when Tifa didn't leave. "Look, come back if you graduate, okay? Until then, you don't meet the requirements."

Defeated, she bowed her head and thanked the man for his time before making a hasty retreat out into the bustling crowd. It had been an exhausting day. After seeing Cloud off, she had roamed businesses on the upper plate to enquire about employment before giving up and trying in the slums near her apartment. Every place she tried was a dead end. The most promising thing Tifa had heard all day was 'come back with a résumé'. If she could somehow get a job offer by the time Cloud came back, she'd have an excuse not to work for ShinRA. The smell of gasoline was overwhelming in the thick summer heat and she felt herself getting light headed. Her healing ankle was beginning to ache and for the first time all day, she was beginning to feel hungry. Maybe it was time to resign her search for the day.

The dark, empty apartment made her remember just how alone she was here. With Cloud gone, she had no friends. Sure, she'd hung out with Zack a bunch when he'd visit the apartment or treat her and Cloud to dinner on top of the plate, but she couldn't say they were more than acquaintances. Back at home, she'd pass the lonely hours by visiting with Claudia. Was the seamstress just as lonesome as she was now that they were separated? Tifa hoped that she'd somehow find a fine husband and be happy somewhere she'd be appreciated. Cloud's mother was such a strong person and Tifa admired her more than ever now that she knew how difficult it was to start life over again in a hostile place. She made a promise to tell her that the next time she saw her.

An hour after dinner she settled into a light exercise routine that wasn't hard on her weak ankle. The stretching and flexing felt good, rejuvenating her tired muscles and bringing her peace. Despite her concern for Cloud, the woes of adjusting to Midgar and an unsuccessful day of job hunting, Tifa breathed deeply and centered her mind. She practiced her blocks and punches, coiling the muscles in her arms until they snapped outward like lightning. The kicks, she took more slowly. Moving with precision, she flexed her toes upward and extended into a front kick. She didn't expect what happened next. The moment she snapped her head to execute a side kick, the room suddenly began to spin. She stumbled backward onto floor boards as the world violently whirled around her. Squeezing her eyes shut, Tifa swallowed against the rising nausea and gripped the side of the coffee table until it passed.

When she opened her eyes, everything was still again.

Her body felt heavy and her head pounded. The last thing Tifa wanted to do was move. What was that? This had never happened to her before, not even when she was sick! Was she just tired? Was Midgar's polluted air finally getting to her? Exhausted, she laid her head down on the smooth surface of the table and let the familiar smell of freshly sanded wood lull her into an uneasy sleep.

… … …

The mission to Junon wasn't a particularly exciting one. Officials were dealing with the aftermath of an attack on the port, where AVALANCHE was to blame for planting some sort of explosive. Extra military reinforcements were called in to help move rubble and put the minds of the civilians at ease.

Junon used to be a small fishing village, but thirty or so years ago ShinRA built a large military installation on the cliff overlooking the tiny harbor town. Since then, the population exploded and the city expanded rapidly. Junon's elevated air field was built directly about the village and blocked out the sun's light, reminding Cloud of a mini-Midgar. He wondered if ShinRA did this on purpose. Was their intention to make the people feel oppressed and submissive to their power by blocking out the sun? Did they know that the surrounding seas were now polluted and the livelihoods of the fisherman in the little village were at stake? If they did, they didn't care. Junon's military installation was so big that it became the secondary headquarters for the ShinRA Corporation. The immediate area surrounding headquarters was littered with buildings that served as dormitories for soldiers and other military personnel. The port was heavily defended by retractable artillery batteries and its garrison, as well as the enormous Mako Cannon that was powered by Huge Materia.

Cloud huffed as he leaned against the stone wall, watching people walking about in the dark, sleepy village. The orange glow of the setting sun was fading fast, and he tried not to shiver from the chill of the wind off the water.

Though he had kept his eyes closed during most of the helicopter ride, he couldn't help but stare at the endless shoreline as they approached the city. He had to get Tifa out of Midgar. The city wasn't treating her well. Her skin had paled and she seemed lost without the sky. She'd always smile radiantly for him and deal with whatever life sent their way, but deep inside was she really happy? She seemed so tired lately. He wanted to see her black hair flowing in the sea-side breeze and walk barefoot in the sand beside her. He wanted Tifa to always have fresh air and blue skies.

Could he have both that and military grandeur if he ever managed to make SOLDIER? Why was making first class so important, anyway? All of his life, he felt like he was nothing. Maybe what he wanted was just to prove, even if only to himself, that he could be a somebody after always being unwanted and cast aside. Cloud wanted to know that he had lived a life worthy of all that his mother sacrificed to ensure he had a decent childhood. If he could save lives, prove his physical strength and mental prowess, and excel at his job, wouldn't that make his loved ones proud? Would that convince his father-in-law to love him and treat his daughter with respect? Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't. Even if it did, would Tifa really be proud of him?

It was no secret that she hated ShinRA, she was just kind enough to stay quiet about his employment. But what else could he do? He had no marketable skills. Heck, he was even having trouble making it as a lowly infantryman. There was so much work to be done at the port and they had given him the lowly task of guarding the damned elevator to the airfield. Did they really value him that little? He had passed all of his classes in flying colors, except for marksmanship and some of his physical challenges. Cloud sighed and shifted his rifle from one shoulder to the other, enjoying the feel of the salty air on his face. Several spikes of unruly blonde hair poked out from underneath his helmet, making his head itch.

If he never got promoted, there was no way he'd be a SOLDIER or a military strategist. But he knew that AVALANCHE could strike again. Apparently the eco-terrorist group was made of up several subgroups around the world. Junon was a target because of its underwater mako reactor and the canon. What motivated this resistance group? Was what ShinRA doing really threatening the planet so much that people would risk their lives to try to stop it, or was AVALANCHE just a bunch of extremists? It seemed that fighting for the planet was just as destructive as fighting for ShinRA. There had been a company-wide message sent to everyone's PHS regarding the attack, along with photos of the suspects. None of the higher-ups seemed too concerned with anything but putting the damaged section of the city back in order, but the threat of a follow up attack pressed constantly on Cloud's mind. What if that bomb was just a distraction for a bigger attack while ShinRA was busy cleaning up? There weren't even any SOLDIER operatives here. How careless.

Cloud looked at his watch: four more hours on patrol, two more days until he could see his wife again.

Cloud looked up when he heard merry chatter and footsteps approaching on the gravel. Two men in trooper uniforms and helmets came to a stop in front of him, rifles strapped lazily over their shoulders. One was much taller than the other. The sight struck Cloud as strange: there hadn't been any military presence in the village all morning. Where did these two come from? The larger soldier spoke.

"Access to the upper level, please." The smaller one stayed silent, staring ahead.

Cloud ran through the protocol in his head. "Military ID, please. And remove your helmets."

Blue eyes scanned carefully over their identification cards as they revealed their faces. The first red flag was that Cloud their squad numbers didn't align with the infantry squads that had been sent on this mission. If the smaller man's ID was correct, he'd be in Cloud's squad, and Cloud was only here because he volunteered for this mission. If any other trooper was assigned to check IDs down here, he was sure they wouldn't take it half as seriously and probably would've missed that detail. The second red flag raised in Cloud's head was the fact that the smaller man didn't seem to look like a man at all. Either it was a woman with a freshly shorn head, or a very feminine looking guy.

Suddenly, he connected the dots. The photos ShinRA had sent out of the AVALANCHE suspects flashed in his head. Two of the six of them could very possibly be standing right in front of them. The large soldier looked a lot like suspect number four, just lacking a beard. The smaller soldier could very well be suspect number one, her once full head of blonde hair now no longer than a few centimeters. Cloud felt his heart race. This was it. They were going to try to strike again! Not if he could help it.

"Thank you." Cloud said, returning their identification cards. "Step right in."

"Thanks, bud!" The larger soldier grinned. "We've got to report for duty in ten minutes!"

The only thing you'll be reporting to is my superiors. Cloud punched the button to close the door behind the pair. He bolted it behind them before pressing the 'emergency stop' button on the outside panel. With a shaking hand, he pulled his radio from his pocket.

"Private Strife to Commander Fraser, come in."

The radio crackled with white noise before he heard a clear response. "Go ahead, Strife."

"I've got a pair of suspicious individuals on lock down in the air field elevator. I believe they may be criminals, sir."

"Copy that. Stand by, I'll be down there with back up soon."

He stood there, heart hammering in his ears. If Cloud was mistaken, the worst he'd get was a loud berating by his commanding officers. If he was right and they were terrorists, he doubted their punishment would be anything but severe. ShinRA didn't seem to tolerate opposition very well. Did he just condemn two people to death? He was just doing his job! If he didn't, they could've hurt more innocent citizens, right?

If it was his responsibility to look after civilians and obey his orders, so why did he feel so guilty?

...

A/N: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope you've all settled down after over-stuffing yourselves to relax and have a nice little read. :)

I was a bit worried about how you guys would react to Tifa's unfortunate encounter on the train, since it's a little upsetting. Last time I wrote about something controversial, I got some backlash by anonymous reviewers once Brian revealed his abusive tendencies. Thankfully, you've all been courteous in your feedback and I'm grateful for that! I felt that she would freeze up in a situation like that, despite her deadly martial arts training.

Arielity: I can't believe it's been over 8 months since I started writing this fic! Thank you for bringing that to my attention and for following along so faithfully.

I would be oh so THANKFUL for your thoughts and feedback! R&R, please, and enjoy your holiday weekend!