"Get up. Do it again." Kylo Ren ordered, looking at Cara's exhausted form on the ground.
"That's enough, Kylo. I'm done." She said, breathing heavily – they had been sparring for hours, and she had only gotten a few meagre hits in on his side. She had to admit, he had improved immensely since the last time they had practiced back home. She had been on the same level as him back then, on some occasions. Now though, she had no hope of beating him. He was faster, more agile, he blocked every single one of her attacks. It was gruelling and demoralizing; and she still felt that he was not even using his full capabilities.
She had gotten used to calling him by his other name. She felt it allowed him to feel more comfortable around her – she hoped it would bring him closer to trusting her. If she was going to get through to him, if she was going to be stuck here for however much longer it may be, she needed to get him to trust her, depend on her. Calling him by his true name would only create more resentment towards her. It was a slow process, but she felt as though it was working.
"You are finished when I say you are finished. Use your anger, let it fuel you."
"I am not angry right now."
"You may think you feel that way, but there is always anger inside everyone. Use it. I know you have the strength, Cara."
She glanced up at him, and saw such a sincere look in his eyes that she could not bear to look away. He believed that she could do this. Ben used to believe that she could do it as well. She gathered up all of her strength, pushing herself off the floor, her arms shaking as they carried the full weight of her upper body as she tried to sit up. Her legs were a bit stronger, and she did not look away from his gaze until she stood up straight once more, facing him. She lifted her practice stick in front of her, indicating that she was ready.
"Try to dodge my attacks. You are faster than you think you are; try to detect a pattern to my movements." He instructed, lifting up his own practice stick as well. For a moment, she imagined how much more terrified she would be in this current situation if he was facing her with his crossguard lightsaber; the fickle red glow illuminating his face eerily, standing over her as she lay defenceless on the ground. It was odd, seeing the difference between her imagined scenario and what was actually happening; strangely comforting and yet disconcerting at the same time.
She took a deep breath, lunging towards him to make her next attack. He side-stepped, as always, spinning away from her only to bring his weapon down in a graceful arc towards her. He hit the shoulder of her unscathed arm, a sharp and fleeting pain shooting through her limb. During their training sessions she had noticed that he consistently avoided hitting her injured arm – it was still sore and stiff, and during the times that she was on her own with no distractions she could still feel the slight burn from the lightsaber wound he had inflicted so soon after their reunion. She wondered if he was even aware that he was allowing her that reprieve; his training would be much more vigorous and demanding if he used her physical pain to get her to use her anger against him.
She winced, taking a step back from him, trying to organize her uncoherent thoughts into something she could use to gain the upper-hand. She studied him, allowing herself to notice the slight unevenness of his breathing, the tremor in his dominant hand, the light sheen of sweat coating his forehead. She would have thought that it would make her feel more confident to see that he was becoming tired as well; but Cara could not be sure whether or not it was because he was physically exhausted from the hours of bodily exercise they had just endured or because it was physically hurting him to keep himself from using his full strength. She feared it was the second option, holding his gaze as he waited for her to make the next move.
"What would I be faced with if you were to use your full potential against me?" She asked, trying to get him to lose his focus.
"What makes you think I am not using all of my talents against you?" He asked, a slight smile forming on his lips. They started to circle each other, neither one of them letting the other out of their sights for a second. She had hoped that he would lower his guard while he spoke, but she should have known better. He was much more cunning than that – she should have been more worried that he would somehow trick her into losing her own focus.
"An instinct." She replied, still circling him, not even noticing that she was taking a few small steps closer towards him.
"Your instinct is what you should be using right now. I can tell that you think too much before you plan your next attack – your brows furrow and you squint with your eyes. You need to trust that your body knows what it needs to do. You have already been taught the basics, Cara. Allow your muscles to remember."
She was taken aback that he had been studying her so closely. Ben had always been able to tell exactly what she was thinking about just from looking at the expressions on her face; it seemed Kylo Ren had a similar gift. He would deny where it came from, of course; but she knew. He could not lie to her any more than she could lie to him.
She did not respond. Instead, she suddenly spun around closer to him, copying his earlier move, trying to surprise him. Instead of swinging her weapon from above though, she swung it from below, smacking it against his shin and prodding it into his abdomen before quickly stepping behind him to make it easier for her to defend herself. She saw his eyes widen in surprise as she struck, a feeling of pride welling up inside of her. It would never be enough to take him down, of course, but at least she had gotten a decent attack in. It was more than she had to show for the four other practice sessions she had already had to endure.
Her shoulders were heaving as she tried to compose herself; her breathing was uneven from the sudden ferocity of her own movements as she tried to wipe the smirk off of her own face. Though she knew he had probably seen it coming, on some level, it still felt good to hit him. There was no denying it. She may have cared about his face, about the man trapped inside of the one stood in front of her - but he had put her through some tough situations. It was nice to feel as though she was on equal ground with him, even if it was for the wrong reasons.
He turned around to face her, making her instantaneously aware of how close he truly was to her. She realized that it would have been more advantageous if she had stepped further away from him after her surprise attack; it was something she had not thought about in the moment, and she was about to pay the price.
He grabbed the hilt of her practice stick with almost inhumane strength, twisting her arm until it was necessary for her to relinquish her weapon. She flinched, both at his proximity and the manner in which her arm was bent. He pressed his forearm against her collarbone, pushing her backwards until she hit the wall. She knew that he was still holding back – he was not angry with her right now, nor did he have any real reason to be. She was more than aware that if he were to use all of his power against her now her collarbone would have already been shattered.
He was so close to her, she could feel the ends of his hair tickling her chin as he studied her face once more. He was silent for a long moment, both of them seemingly not knowing what to say to each other. They had been sparring like this for a few days now, but it had never gone this far. Normally, after throwing her to the ground or stealing her weapon he would step away from her immediately, allowing her a minute to catch her breath before commencing another round. This time, he held her firmly against the wall, making her nervous.
"How did that feel?" He asked, his voice just barely a whisper.
"Wh – What?" She stammered, beginning to feel a little lightheaded. Her heart rate was not about to slow down, and he was so close to her – the same way she had longed for him to be all those nights after he disappeared before she had left her home to escape to Jakku. She needed to calm herself down.
"How did it feel to release your anger towards me?"
"Wrong." She finally answered after a minute of contemplation.
"Wrong in what way, exactly? Did it feel wrong to finally get some revenge against me for all the horrid deeds you believe I have committed against you? Did it feel wrong to see me flinch in pain, the same way I have witnessed you do due to my action countless times?"
Cara did not have an answer for him; she knew that her reply to his previous question had been honest. It did feel wrong, taking pleasure out of hurting someone. She just was not sure she could make him understand why.
"Yes, it felt wrong. There's no need for me to explain it to you, however. You wouldn't understand, Kylo. Especially not while you are still using your strength to keep me trapped against the wall of this training room."
He released her as soon as she had uttered her last word, taking a step backwards to give her some space. She touched her hand to her collarbone, feeling an unusual amount of warmth where his arm had been pressing against her moments before.
"Try." He said, and she looked at him, slightly confused.
"Try what?"
"Try to explain to me why it felt wrong." He said, and somehow, she could tell that his words were sincere. His eyes bored into hers so intensely that she needed to look away before she spoke again.
"Let me ask you something first. Are you still angry with me for trying to leave?" This question was not exactly necessary for her explanation, but she wanted to know. She needed to know.
"Yes." He replied simply, making her sigh at her own ignorance. She feared he would never truly forgive her for her attempted escape – she just hoped she would get through to the real Ben in time to make him see reason.
She pushed herself off the wall, quickly realizing that she had made a mistake. Her body was still drained of all energy, and fell against the cool metal wall once more, sliding down it until she was sitting up right, allowing all the muscles in her body to finally relax. Kylo remained standing, obviously not wanting to relinquish his control of the situation.
"I will be honest with you, Kylo. I am angry. I have already told you this. And I know how satisfying it can feel to give into your desires, but I am not going to. Not only because it will give you some sickly type of satisfaction, but because the only thing that it will accomplish for me is a feeling of guilt about something that I did not need to feel remorseful about in the first place. That is why it felt wrong."
"You cannot possibly know how it will make you feel until you have let yourself experience it." He said. He had not averted his gaze from her the entire time she had spoken. It was making her feel uneasy, the way he was observing her. As though she was a mystery he had yet to unravel.
She looked up at him, trying to think of a response that would make him understand. That would make him remember that he himself used to be capable of controlling his angered impulses and channel them into something more productive than destruction.
"When we were younger, you once came to me-,' she hesitated as she realized the error she had made. She had forgotten to refer to the man standing in front of her as Kylo – a mistake that could take this opportunity away from her and set their relationship back another step, '-Ben once came to me, his face red with anger and his finger shaking with rage as he slammed the door behind him as he entered my room." She looked at Kylo Ren, trying to gage his reaction at her mishap. It seemed he had not even noticed, however. He was intently waiting for her to continue. It was the first time she felt as though he was truly listening to her.
"He was so angry – and I could not understand why. He tried to explain it to me – tried to explain how angry he was that his parents always dismissed his wishes whenever it came down to his need to go off and train to become a Jedi. I could tell that he was about to completely lose his temper, the problem was that I did not know if he was going to use it against me or if he would find a different target. I knew Ben better than anyone. I couldn't just let him take his fury out on some poor soul that would not be able to handle him. I told him that he could lash out at me – that he could yell and scream for as long as he wanted at me as long as he did nothing to hurt me physically. At first, I thought he would agree. He seemed to ready himself, collecting all his anger as he breathed in deeply. Next thing I knew, he stalked out of my room, leaving me there by myself to wonder what he would do without me by his side. Ben was always a fast runner, and before I could collect myself and chase him down the corridor I had already lost sight of him. I looked for him everywhere, desperately hoping that my weak attempt at trying to subdue him had not made someone else his next target."
She paused for a second, expecting him to make some snide remark about Ben's weakness, but he allowed her to go on with her story.
"I finally found him in the practice room – trying to perfect his attacks. He was moving more ferociously than I had ever seen him before, but I could tell that it was working to let off some steam. Not by taking it out on someone who did not deserve it. Not to make himself stronger. Simply to make himself feel better, gain a better handle on his emotions and his weaknesses. Anger is something that needs to be dealt with, Kylo. It should not constantly be raging within you."
"Is this a true story, or is this one of the many tales I have seen you concocting for your own pleasure within your memories?" He asked, starting to pace around the room as he waited for her reply.
"I think you already know the answer to that, Kylo Ren."
A/N: I just want to quickly thank all the regular reviewers - it's so nice to read your comments on the new chapters! As always, I will have the new chapter up as soon as possible. Thank you for continuing to read this story!