What It Means To Be Living

by The-Ocean-Deep

If Cloud and Tifa were close friends as children, would their lives really have been that different? This story follows the early days of their lives up until the beginning of FFVII.

42. Circling Back

CHAPTER 42: CIRCLING BACK

It was long past midnight, but she couldn't sleep.

Tifa hummed along to the soft song on the radio as she sat curled into the corner of the couch. She was slowly working soft green yarn into a blanket for the baby—green like the sea foam, green like their forest home.

Knitting kept her fingers as busy in tedious distraction as her thoughts flowed forward like an endless river. Cloud was gone and she was lonesome, but she could deal with that. The long handful of years she spent without him in Nibelheim had made her accustomed to that. What was growing harder and harder to withstand was the crushing homesickness that refused to leave, no matter how much she tried to accept her current situation for what it was. Tifa was trying her best to be happy in any circumstance, counting her blessings and holding them close to her heart. Just months ago she would've done anything to escape the prison of her father's house. Now, she was lonesome but safe Papa's harsh words and the judgmental eyes of the villagers. But still, her heart sighed. October was on its way and her heart pined for the smell of dying leaves and crisp autumn air. Her skin craved the feeling of the mountain breeze and her fingers ached to press along ivory keys. When Mama had been homesick, she had played her piano and it seemed to help her feel better. What could Tifa do to soothe herself in the tiny apartment?

She was so worried about Cloud. He had seemed so upset about leaving on this mission, but was the trip and time away from her really what was bothering him? Was he unsatisfied in some other aspect? Her husband was happy in their marriage, right? Tifa just wanted him to feel content and secure. Since the news that they were expecting, he had been increasingly concerned for her wellbeing in the oppressive atmosphere of Midgar. Cloud had bought three plants for the apartment from a vendor on the top of the plate—for fresh air, he said. They didn't thrive very well in the artificial light of the living room, but they were still green and that's all that mattered. Afraid that she wouldn't be able to contact him if she had any issues or went into labor once she was due, Cloud wanted to get her a PHS. Their budget, however, didn't allow for such a luxury.

To Tifa, sunlight had become a luxury. Often, Cloud would take her topside on his days off so could get a glimpse of the sky, but it wasn't enough. She wanted to be able to wake up next to Cloud as the morning rays shined on their sheets and she could hear the birds singing in the early hours of the day. Tifa dreamed of their future in a little white seaside home where they'd raise their baby and laugh alongside the gulls. Visions of long afternoons walking the shoreline with her little family kept her sane as she waited for Cloud to return home. Last time he had been sent out on a mission, Tifa had wanted to find a job to keep her occupied. But now, employment no longer seemed important. No one would hire someone for six months or so, would they? Besides, her job was to take care of Cloud and the apartment, prepare for the baby, and care for the newborn after its birth. She wouldn't have time for a job and her wifely duties with an infant. Once the baby was born, she wouldn't have to worry about being so lonesome while Cloud was at work. The thought brought out a toothy grin. A family of their very own—how exciting!

Tifa rested her knitting needles on her lap and smiled as she rubbed her flat abdomen. She remembered what it had been like to watch Mrs. Nelson outside the school house with her swollen belly as she called her students inside. For so long she had wished for a child of her own and now she was only months away from being a mother, herself.

Lately, her mind had been swirling with thoughts of Lia and she wished with all her heart that Mama could be here with her now, comfort her when she gave birth, and help her learn how to care for the new baby. Tifa longed for the smooth silk of Mama's voice and the comfort that would've come with having the woman present when questions regarding pregnancy arouse. Did she get sick as often as Tifa did? Did Papa sigh with wonder like Cloud did as he rubbed her belly and thought of the life within? What did it feel like to be in labor? It occurred to Tifa that she could write to Claudia with such inquiries, but it wasn't the same as hearing it from your own mother. Mama would've been so happy to hear that she was going to start a family with Cloud, but what would Papa say when Cloud told him the news? She wanted so badly for her father to be proud of her, to accept Cloud, and to be excited over the thought of his grandchild. She knew that Cloud also longed for the security and emotional anchor of family. Maybe the baby would be a way to help repair what was broken.

Or maybe it wouldn't.

She sighed as she set her knitting aside and stretched out across the couch cushions, letting her long hair drape over the side. Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply.

What if her father never came around? After all this time and all that had happened, she knew that there would most likely be nothing she could do to earn his affection again. Papa wouldn't ever attend the baby's birthday parties or visit with them on holidays. It hurt, but Tifa could live with it. What bothered her was: how would she explain to the baby why its grandfather didn't want anything to do with it? At least they had Claudia to celebrate the good things in life with. Maybe, when they bought their house south of Junon, she'd come to live with them. Cloud's mother deserved to escape Nibelheim more than Tifa had and yet there she remained: a victim of a cruel fate. She made a mental note to ask Cloud about bringing their mother to live with them once they had a big enough living space to accommodate her.

As gentle music drifted to her ears, Tifa finally let sleep take her. Her dreams were restless and full of memories that she thought had long since faded in the far corners of her mind.

… … …

Somehow he had survived the six hour long helicopter ride only to be ready to die inside the back of a large ShinRA van. Sheets of rain patted loudly against the frame of a vehicle, accompanied only by the sound of the motor and windshield wipers. Cloud and another trooper sat close to one another, sent by ShinRA to accompany Zack and Sephiroth on the trip to Nibelheim. It had been an enormous shock to learn that the first class war hero and object of his noble ambitions was leading their trek out into the middle of nowhere and he had a hard time recovering from it. Cloud was so embarrassed over his motion sickness that he couldn't bring himself to even glance at Sephiroth out of the corner of his eye. The silver haired swordsman sat on a crate, staring with an unreadable expression out into the storm as Zack paced around, full of anxious energy. Cloud squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed back the urge to vomit as the truck bounced and rocked its passengers. He concentrated on the sound of the rain and tried to take deep breaths through his nose, imagining how good the fresh air outside might feel.

"Hey, are you okay?" Zack crouched next to him. "If you're feeling sick, why don't you take that mask off?"

Cloud didn't turn his head to look at his friend. "Yeah…"

He obeyed and took his helmet off, cradling it between his arms as he drew his knees up to his chest. Zack pitied how pale Cloud looked, a thin sheen of sweat dotting his forehead. Maybe a distraction would help curb his motion sickness?

"Midgar sure is different from out here in the sticks." Zack began, running a hand through his own black spikes as he shifted to sit next to his blonde friend. "I'm sure you're excited to get out to your home town on the company's gil! Do you miss it?"

Blue eyes studied the grooves in the floor mat. "No. It's nice to see my mom, but Tifa's father isn't very fond of me. Neither is anyone else."

"Why not?" Zack's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "You're a nice guy, what's not to like?" Cloud shrugged and frowned at the floor, which urged Zack to shift the conversation into something a little more light hearted. "You should bring your wifey back someday. You think she'd like that?"

"I was thinking of bringing her to stay with my mom for a while."

"Why's that? She doesn't like Midgar?"

"Not exactly. I'd like her to be in the clean air and in a familiar place for a while." Nervous fingers tightened their grip on the helmet and Cloud finally rose his eyes to Zack's face. "The slums really aren't the safest place for an expecting mother."

After a moment, the SOLDIER balked and it was one of the only times that Cloud had ever known Zack to be momentarily speechless. It wasn't long before a grin split his face like lightning in a summer storm.

"Congratulations!" He bellowed, smacking Cloud on the back with a loud whack, startling the younger man. "Holy crow, you've been married for like, two weeks!"

"Four and a half months." Cloud quietly corrected.

Zack tittered on and on before finally slumping backward to recline against a duffel bag. "A father at sixteen! You country folk are always in a hurry!"

"You're from the country too, Zack."

"Heh, yeah. Guess I've been running with the city kids for too long! I've been with ShinRA since I was fourteen."

"Did you ever think about marrying your girlfriend?"

"I'm in SOLDIER, I can't just run off and get married!" Cloud watched as Zack untied and kicked off his boots. "You know how it is: the company constantly has us running around. With all this work, I've got enough responsibility as it is. Besides, I'm never home! What kind of awful husband would I be?"

Cloud turned over Zack's words in his head as a comfortable silence claimed the air.

It wasn't until late in the afternoon that the van reached its destination. Cloud had thankfully fallen into an uneasy sleep, only to be roused by Zack's excited chatter once they reached the familiar dirt road that lead to Nibelheim's little village gate. After parking a respectful distance away from the town, the small group of ShinRA personnel moved toward the place that held so many mixed emotions in Cloud's heart. Technically, he was home. But recently, he had begun to realize that home was wherever Tifa was and he wanted nothing more than to return to their little apartment and lay beside her. After initially being gone for about two years, the five months since his last visit seemed like nothing. The familiar red roofs and white washed buildings coming into view made Cloud feel uncomfortable and out of place. The thought of seeing his mother, however, brought some relief. But it wasn't enough to ward off the dread of facing Brian. How would the man react when he learned that his well-hated son-in-law had gotten his daughter pregnant?

He shivered at the possibilities.

Suddenly unnerved, Cloud pulled his helmet down firmly over his head. He wasn't ready to talk to Mr. Lockhart if he happened to see him. If he could disguise himself for now, maybe he could buy some time before he faced the stubborn, angry man and avoid any impromptu interactions. He had yet to carefully plan how he was going to break the news to his father-in-law.

Zack elbowed him seconds after he secured his head gear. "Hey, you're home! What are you wearing that for?"

Cloud glared until he realized the SOLDIER couldn't see it with his helmet on. Hadn't he just told Zack about what a failure he was? Did he have to tell him again just how unlikable everyone here found him? He certainly couldn't admit to his cowardice to talk to Brian in front of Zack, who wasn't afraid of anything. Cloud tried not to let his shoulders sag as he sighed. "It's personal…"

"Weirdo." Zack teased as gloved hand disappeared beneath ebony spikes as he scratched the back of his head. Sephiroth waved them forward, a hint of impatience on his normally expressionless face, and the pair of teens hustled to catch up with their superior.

They passed into town square and Cloud could feel every pair of eyes on the small band of ShinRA employees. He was sure there were faces in the windows, peeking at the outsiders through cracks between curtains and drapes. His eyes lingered upon the sight of his childhood home and a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth when he saw Mom still kept a pot of brightly colored mums outside the front door. Sephiroth lead them straight to the inn.

"We head for the reactor at dawn. Make sure you get plenty of sleep." The tall man blinked lazily, but his back was straightened with authority. His aquamarine gaze landed on the pair of troopers. "Only one of you needs to keep watch. Make sure you get some rest as well."

The blonde stiffened as Sephiroth turned to face him. "You have permission to visit with family and friends if you so wish."

Surprised that the great Hero of Wutai could know something as trivial as his hometown startled Cloud. Sephiroth had always seemed like a machine: serious and calculating. But this small detail had given him a human side that most people probably never saw. Maybe there was more to him than Cloud thought.

… … …

He had waited until the sun set to knock on his mother's door. Cloud kept his helmet firmly on his head as Claudia squeaked with excitement and squeezed the familiar slight frame of her son. It wasn't until after she had pulled him inside and had served him a heaping bowl of steaming soup that he freed his unruly head of flaxen spikes. Mom bounced around with light steps, eyes glittering as she fussed about to prepare for her visitor: fetching clean bedding from the linen closet and sifting through the pantry for ingredients for oatmeal cookies.

"What a surprise to have you back so soon! I still can't get used to the sight of you in a military uniform." She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder as she grabbed some eggs and butter from the ice box. "You're sleeping here, right? It doesn't make sense to pay for the inn when you have your own bed here!"

"It depends on what my superior allows." Cloud spoke between mouthfuls of bread as he wolfed down his meal. He had been afraid to eat much on their journey due to the ever looming threat of motion sickness, and wasn't sure what he was more starved for: familiar, home cooked food or his mother's hospitable presence.

"Look at you, you skinny thing!" Claudia stopped to pinch his arm on her way to plop her mixing bowl on the counter. "Doesn't ShinRA feed you?"

"Well enough." Cloud stopped to take familiar sight and gestures of his mother. The merry sway of her slender hips and the familiar cascade of her blonde ponytail put his heart at ease. When she turned to smile at him, something made his chest constrict with an unknown distress and Cloud found it difficult to tear his gaze away. "I've really missed you, Mom."

The color in Claudia's cheeks made cloud realize just how beautiful she was. Time away from her and the maturation that comes from coming of age opened his eyes to see his mother for what she was: a woman, still young and full of dreams, surrounded by people who couldn't see that she was a treasure among them. A great sadness blanketed him for a reason he couldn't understand and he tried and failed to mimic her brilliant smile.

"What's gotten into you? Are you alright?"

He nodded into his empty bowl. "Just tired from the trip, I guess."

Cloud gathered the dishes from his impromptu meal and headed toward the sink to wash them. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched her prepare dough with practiced ease. If she could live in a place that pretended she didn't exist for this long and still maintain a soft, generous heart, how much would she thrive in a welcoming environment? Cloud watched the soap run over his calloused hands.

"How is everything here? Are you doing alright?"

"The same as it's always been, I suppose. Business has been good and I've had a lot of wool to card from the spring, so I've been very busy." She shrugged as she swirled the mixing spoon. "I'll admit, I've been a bit lonesome without you kids, but it's alright."

He wanted hope and freedom for her, but he had never possessed the gall to tell his mother what to do. She was clever enough to raise him on her own in the harsh mountains; surely she was clever enough to find life elsewhere? His mother didn't mean to make him feel guilty, but for the first time Cloud felt as if he had abandoned her and robbed her of Tifa's company as well. But maybe he could change that. Claudia quickly tried to change the subject.

"Too bad Tifa couldn't have joined you, I would've loved to see her! Does she like the city?" She watched as Cloud grabbed a dish rag to dry his bowl.

"She's doing well. Midgar was a huge change for her and she's still learning to adjust. Honestly, though, we're looking to move as soon as possible. I've been approved to transfer to Junon's headquarters at the end of December."

"You're young! What's the hurry?" She stooped to find a baking sheet in the cabinet. "You should enjoy your time in Midgar while you can! Take her to see some shows, dine at some fancy restaurants…"

"I was hoping that maybe Tifa could stay here with you for a while, until I can get our new living quarters set up. I'd like to get her here right away, if I could."

Claudia fixed him with a puzzled stare.

"She could really use your company. Besides, the polluted city air isn't good for someone in her condition." His blue eyes searched to meet hers. "Mom…we're going to have a baby."

The empty baking sheet clattered to the floor.

"W-what? Really?" The wideness of her smile had Cloud's own cheeks lifting with mirth. "I'm going to be a grandma?"

He nodded. A flurry of blonde hair and dough dotted hands attacked him and Cloud felt himself being pulled into a crushing hug. A chuckle escaped him as his mother cried out and gushed with glee. She reached up to ruffle his hair before picking up her fallen tray and twirling about the kitchen, squeaking with delight as he told her about the sonograms and informed her of the baby's due date.

"Oh, how exciting!" Her eyes twinkled as she tried to return to her original task. "I'll take care of Tifa, here. I promise! She won't want for anything, except you."

"We haven't really discussed it yet. I just thought it might be a good option." Cloud sighed and slumped back in his chair. "She's alone for so much of the day and when I'm sent out on missions. I just want to make sure she's around someone she can trust in case something happens."

"Have you written to Mr. Lockhart about it?"

He swallowed a lump in his throat at the mention of Tifa's father. "I have to tell him before I leave in a few days."

He cast his eyes at the worn wood of the table, intimidated by the thought. In that man's eyes, he had never been good enough. He wasn't good enough to befriend Tifa as a child, wasn't good enough to marry his daughter, and he certainly wouldn't be worthy of being the father of his grandchild! But maybe Brian was right about this one. Cloud had no father in his life and thus had no one to teach him how to be what his wife and baby would need. Tifa had expressed this concern about herself as well, for she had never soothed a crying infant nor had any siblings to carry about on her hip. As excited as they were, the young couple was feeling a bit vulnerable in their inexperience.

As always, his mother saw right through him.

"You make me so proud. You'll be a wonderful father, I'm certain of it." She leaned forward to cup his face. His jaw was stubborn and defined like a man's, but his cheeks still retained a small trace of childish softness. "Smile, Cloud. Your future is a bright one."

The kiss she placed on the crown of his head soothed his insecurities, at least for the moment.

… … …

They left for the reactor at dawn. Sephiroth and Zack led the way, leaving Cloud and his fellow trooper feeling useless and unnecessary. Their map of the landscape was an accurate guide through the winding, dangerous paths to Mt. Nibel. Delayed by encounters with monsters and hostile wildlife, they didn't reach the mako reactor until half past noon. Sephiroth had led Zack inside, assigning both troopers to guard duty outside. Cloud was unsure why he wasn't allowed inside this particular reactor after patrolling Midgar's reactors regularly, but had obeyed his orders until his feet were sore from inactivity. The grey, arid earth under his feet reminded him of what AVALANCHE was fighting for and whether or not he was really meant for this profession.

By the time the SOLDIERs finally emerged, he and the other infantryman had begun to worry. Sephiroth was tight lipped and short with them all, a small amount of foul temper breaking through his usual calm demeanor. Zack was quiet and pensive, two things that were a worrisome contrast of his usual behavior. The trip back down was agonizing between the monster attacks and the tense silence of the pair of first class SOLDIER operatives. Cloud's mind was fogged with worry over talking to Mr. Lockhart, his future with the company and ability to provide for his growing family, and pondering over how to free his mother from Nibelheim's chains. Unfortunately, fighting for your life while distracted didn't bode well for the blonde, who sustained a few moderate injuries before being rescued by Zack. Limping down the mountain with his fellow trooper's assistance had been embarrassing at best and the blonde was more grateful than ever to see the village come into view in the late afternoon sun.

Sephiroth dismissed them for the night, putting the healthy trooper on patrol while Cloud was ordered to rest at the inn and make use of a cure materia. The room they had rented was large, with enough beds to sleep their group of four comfortably. After Sephiroth disappeared, Cloud was left alone with the remaining SOLDIER. He reclined on one of the beds, exhausted from the day and the lulling after-effects of the cure spell. Watching Zack out of the corner of his eye, he unclipped his pauldrons and pulled off his gloves. The older man sat on the bed next to his, elbows on his knees and head bent forward. Zack seemed confused and almost agitated, both emotions as foreign to the jovial man as the furrowed brow was on his face.

"Are you alright? What happened in there?" Cloud asked. The dark haired man's silence frightened him and he ducked his fair head, pulling his knees up to his chest. "If only I were SOLDIER, then I could've helped you out."

Zack didn't raise his head as he blinked slowly at the ground. "SOLDIER is like a den of monsters, Cloud. Don't go inside."

To hear Zack speak poorly of SOLDIER was disturbingly strange, and it filled the younger man with a sense of dread. Cloud put an elbow on his knee and leaned toward his friend. "What happened?"

"I don't know, man. I thought I knew, but…"

Zack let out an enormous groan and flopped backward onto his bed. Cloud watched in silence for a few minutes, wondering there was anything he could do or say to make him feel better. What had gone on inside the reactor to make him say something like that? SOLDIER seemed to be having a lot of problems lately, but so far none had seemed bad enough to change the way Zack looked at the program. He and Sephiroth must have seen something terrible, or had an argument or something. Never one to stay dormant for long, Zack hopped to his feet and crossed the room to where the buster sword was leaned against the wall. His voice was tense when he spoke.

"I'm with SOLDIER, so fighting is what I do. Sorting things out is someone else's job. What's going on, who's the enemy…" The tall man stretched an arm out and he picked up the sword, gripping the handle firmly as he held the blade out in front of him. "It makes no difference to me!"

A great sigh rushed out of Zack's lungs as he raised the sword into a vertical position, resting his forehead upon the metal blade.

Cloud watched in respectful silence. Was a SOLDIER really just a pawn of ShinRA? Did Zack really have no moral say in what he did as an employee? The wide sword was a grand weapon, one that captivated him since he had first seen it months and months ago. As a cadet, he'd earned high marks in fencing and found that wielding a sword was much easier for him than struggling through marksmanship training. If Cloud was ever lucky enough to make SOLDIER, he'd want a sword just like that. It created such an intimidating profile on Zack's back. After so many years of being picked on and bullied, the blonde almost smiled thinking that no one would mess with him with a weapon of that magnitude! But when he thought about his friend's actions in combat, Cloud realized that Zack rarely ever attacked with the blade.

Old memories of lectures from his mother surfaced to the front of his mind. When she had taught him how to use his father's pistol, Cloud had received a lesson in what it meant to be powerful and strong. Mom told him that having a powerful weapon meant he required a powerful mind. Zack had that wisdom and control not to abuse his power as a mako-enhanced being. The buster sword could slice through most anything, but he couldn't remember a time where Zack hadn't tried to avoid a confrontation before choosing to defend himself with the blunt side. It was evident that he knew the secret to true power and that made Cloud look up to the man even more than he had before.

"Hey, Zack." Blue eyes searched for mako enhanced ones. "You know, I've never seen you use that."

Slowly, a look of realization dawned upon Zack's face as he gazed at his reflection in the broad piece of metal. Mako eyes blinked slowly, as if a great memory had seized him. "This is a symbol of my dreams and honor. No…it's more than that. Thank you, Cloud."

"Huh?" Cloud cocked his head, unsure of Zack's meaning.

Zack had changed since they had first met. Cloud saw it in the man's eyes and the way he held his body. How hard had this all been for him? He was watching SOLDIER fall apart around him and lost his mentor as his confidence in the company slipped away. By the time he became first class and accomplished what he had strived so hard to reach, it didn't feel like much of a victory. And yet, he somehow had the strength to hold steadfast to his dream. When he had first met Zack, Cloud thought he was a childish, excitable man who lacked focus and seriousness. But now, he could clearly see the ambition that had allowed him to get into SOLDIER in the first place.

Toothy grin finally back in place, Zack moved to the space between their beds. He stretched his shoulders and arms before performing a few of his trademark squats. Cloud watched, confused, as his friend suddenly flopped on the bed.

"I'm gonna crash. G'night!"

Although he was a hero in the blonde's eyes, Cloud was certain he had never met a stranger fellow.

… … …

All was still inside the Lockhart house.

Brian sat at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper long after his tea had gone cold. The air was brittle with that familiar, suffocating silence that had moved in after the girl went off to Midgar. Things had been alright: he enjoyed going out drinking with his friends and several construction projects in the town had pumped new life into his career. He was working more, selling more, and making money, but nothing seemed to fill the void in his chest from day to day. Without the distraction of his daughter, there was nothing to protect Brian from the gnawing of his long denied conscience. He would never admit aloud that he missed his daughter or was lonesome without her company, but Brian couldn't hide from the ever present howls of his family's ghosts.

The tire swing lay where it had fallen to the earth years ago. Upon the night stand, Lia's jewelry box sat caked with dust. The sand pit in the backyard was almost invisible now, covered with weeds and long, unkempt grasses. The piano slept in its undisturbed silence. The dozens of photographs lining the second floor hallway called out to him and mocked him each time he passed. Each picture displayed someone whom he had failed in some way or another and every portrait of his small family reminded him of just how much he had lost by living this way. He had been foolish—so foolish. Tifa was gone, and Brian doubted she would come back after how he had treated her, the words he'd said, and the way he hated her wiry blonde husband.

A flash of bright color through the window caught his eye and he raised his head to look out toward the Strife backyard. Claudia was floating about, taking freshly laundered clothing off of the line. Because his little world was so quiet, Brian could easily hear her soft humming as she went about the mundane duties of her own small universe. Her bright, summery dress and golden hair matched the brilliant hues of the sunset; the smile on her face reflected the brilliance of the pre-twilight glow. How did she manage to remain so positive after how unfortunate her life was? She had no husband or parents to take care of her and her son had escaped from his invisible life in the mountains to tough it out in the largest city on the planet. The worn, threadbare clothing on the line and the thinness of her body reflected how meager her income was. There was no future in Nibelheim for the single mom and no hope to fit in among the citizens of this close knit community. What reason did she have to be humming a merry tune?

The red pattern of Claudia's frock and her gentle demeanor reminded Brian of how Lia would float about in her crimson kimono. On days like this, they'd sit on the back porch hand in hand, watching the sun go down as Tifa curled up in his lap. The memories of fond times seemed as if they were from another life, and Brian realized that he had wandered so far from the man that he truly was. Lia's death had unchained awful insecurities, which had morphed into anger at the unfairness of it all. Sometimes, in his heart, he could hear his late wife remind him: You aren't the only one who has suffered loss. It was a sense of utter defeat that made him admit to himself that he had more in common with Claudia than he originally thought. Maybe, somehow, there was even something to learn from that woman. How did she find it so easy to move on with her life?

Knock, knock, knock.

Startled out of his thoughts, Brian stayed frozen in his seat. Who on earth would be coming to look for him? After a few minutes, the knocking sounded again. Eventually, a muffled voice called from the other side of the thick wooden door.

"Mr. Lockhart? It's me, Cloud."

He held his breath. What was that boy doing here? Was Tifa with him? That's right: ShinRA had sent some employees to deal with the malfunctioning of the mako reactor up on the mountain. He must've been one of those chosen with that unpleasant task.

"Please, Mr. Lockhart. If I could just have your attention for a few minutes..."

Brian buried his face in his hands.

If he was honest with himself, it was pride that kept him from reconciling with Tifa or his son in law. He felt guilty for so many things, not the least of which was sending Cloud away without acknowledging him as his only daughter's husband. It was hard to remember, sometimes, what it was like to be sixteen, but thinking about it now it seemed like such a young age.

True, Brian himself had been married in his teens, but he had been more privileged than Cloud and brought Lia home to a fully furnished home in a community that welcomed him and his wife. It was in his teens that he had become the head of a household and began his own business; but he had also learned how to ride a horse and tasted ice cream for the first time. If he had been a child in a man's body, then it was not inconceivable that the same was true of Cloud. He wished that that had occurred to him before he had driven him and his daughter from the house.

Brian had been forming a wedge between himself and Cloud since he could remember. He had put so much distance between them that it seemed impossible to cross. The years of bitterness had made him like a stone, and he did not move to answer his son-in-law's calls.

… … …

"SOLDIER is like a den of monsters, Cloud. Don't go inside."

The night stretched forth slowly as Cloud took his turn to patrol the town. Tracing the old paths he had come to know like the back of his hand was just the sort of thoughtless activity he needed while he turned over Zack's words again and again. It had been about a week since they had arrived in Nibelheim and Cloud thought he'd be back in Midgar by now. He had written to Tifa to let her know about their delay. Hopefully it would reach her before he actually came home. The entire situation was strange. Something had happened in the mako reactor that Cloud didn't have the authority to know about, nor was it his place to ask about it. Sephiroth locked himself up in the old ShinRA mansion, for research reasons, apparently. Restless, Zack took to making a nuisance of himself in town during the day and sleeping in the manor at night, hoping to keep an eye on his superior.

Was Zack right about SOLDIER? There was no reason he would lie about this after being Cloud's primary source of encouragement aside from his wife. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that maybe this goal just wasn't right. He was going to be a father, after all. According to Zack, SOLDIER members lead busy lives under the close eye of ShinRA. Cloud wanted to be there for his family as much as possible, not out on dangerous missions that took him far away from what he held dear. To him, the baby was his chance to prove himself. He'd protect Tifa and his child from suffering a bad reputation and life of desperation like he and his mother had lived through. He was excited to be a dad and make up for all that his father wasn't there to do with him. When Cloud thought of the future, he felt like he was in a little bit over his head. But with Tifa, he could do anything. He'd never be alone, and she wouldn't let him fall.

Tifa would be disappointed to learn that her father refused to talk to him, but she sure wouldn't be surprised. He had been so afraid when he had knocked on Brian's front door, old anxieties of childhood bubbling up with the memory of how he had been scolded for getting lost in the woods with her all those years ago. At least at that time, Lia had been there to be rational and kind. Without his wife, Brian was an untethered, spiteful creature who caused more chaos of the heart than he knew.

Rifle resting snugly against his shoulder, Cloud kicked a rock down the dirt path that led up the mountainside. If SOLDIER wouldn't be a fitting career, what could he do to make a living? Tifa hated ShinRA all along, citing her mother's grief and the death of her grandparents. But it wasn't just that—what about the constant mako drilling? Was it really the planet's life source?

Guilt still twisted his insides when he thought about turning over those AVALANCHE operatives at Junon, most likely to their deaths. The company hadn't even given him a promotion or any show of public appreciation for his acute observation and quick thinking. The whole thing was kind of swept under the rug after they had given him a monetary bonus. How could he feel like a hero if he wasn't acknowledged as one? Now that he no longer was a starry eyed child, it wasn't fame he was searching for. Cloud craved respect above all else, but no one had ever learned of his accomplishment and the bullying never stopped. Did he really thwart an AVALANCHE mission to save the planet? Whose side was he on, anyway? ShinRA gave him a paycheck, but not much else. The people of AVALANCHE fought for something beyond themselves: they fought for the future and for the planet, which couldn't speak for itself.

Cloud climbed to a hill just outside the village and plopped down on the grass. He ignored the chill of the mountain wind as it blew from the north, choosing to focus on the warm glow in the windows of the houses. Electric light or candle light, they twinkled just the same. Would the earth he sat upon be ashen and lifeless in the future? What would the planet look like once his child was old enough to appreciate it? Was ShinRA sucking away the quality of life for generations to come?

He lay back upon a bed of green, watching the stars and remembering his many nights with Tifa atop the water tower. It wasn't long before he had slipped into a gentle sleep, dreaming of his wife and unborn baby.

...

A/N: Oh, I'm cringing. It's coming, guys. ;_; How can I possibly deal with writing more trauma into Cloud and Tifa's lives? Unfortunately, it's only the beginning, as we all know. As always, thank you for reading!