"Come with me. We cannot talk about this here." Kylo said, grabbing her upper arm and dragging her back into the hallway. Cara had been stunned into silence; very curious as to what it was he was going to confess to her and somewhat worried about it at the same time. What if he told her something so horribly gruesome that she would never be able to look at him the same way? A lot could happen in three weeks' time.
"I feel like I need to thank you again, Kylo. For leading Hux away from the truth." She said, panting a little as she almost had to jog to keep up with him. His lengthy strides were no match for her relatively short legs, and their practice session had taken its toll on her current energy levels.
"You have no reason to thank me unless you are able to tell me that whatever happened between the two of you will not harm me in some way." He said, not even looking back at her as he spoke. She lowered her head, trying to steady her breathing and squash her guilt. She could not bear him to already feel her shame before they had even started discussing their current situation.
They finally reached her cell, and he hastily forced the door open and shoved her inside. She wanted to sit down and give her legs some rest, but she could tell that he was not in the mood to placate her, and she would be no match for him once she sat down. All control over the confrontation would immediately be given to him. She could not afford to be looked down upon, not right now. She needed him to see her as an equal.
"Tell me what General Hux asked you to do."
"How are you so sure that he asked me to do something?"
"You would not be so tense around him if he had not."
She could not deny the truth of his words, and she took a step back – hoping that he would stay as calm as he had the past few days with her. It had been two weeks and ten training sessions since the pilot and the Stormtrooper had escaped. The last time he had shown any real and threatening anger towards her had been that very same day. She hoped the streak could continue on a little longer; or perhaps even, forever. It made it easier to deal with Kylo as a separate person instead of the shell of a man she used to love. It made it easier to build up a new relationship with him.
"Tell me, Cara – I cannot promise that I will not hurt you unless you do."
She could hear the honesty of his words, and she knew that it was the only way he knew to deal with insubordination. She would have to tell him, take the chance of him not trusting her anymore, not as Ben, and not as Kylo. Not as anyone. Cara took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice before she spoke.
"General Hux tried to intimidate me into – he tried to blackmail into turning against you. He offered me the chance to get back to Jakku, back to the simple and boring life I lead before you captured me. There was a time when I thought that was what I wanted – I wanted it so desperately, I tried to escape with two men. You were there, you must have seen that look in my eyes. I know you did, Kylo. I know you were worried that you were going to lose me, somehow. But I realized that I still had something to fight for here, and that is why I helped them escape in the end. Because I have you to fight for. I want to be here for you. For you, and for Ben,' she could tell that he wanted to correct her, but she kept on, not letting him get another word in – 'because you matter to me. More than you know."
He said nothing, the look in his eyes more than enough response for her. She could see the hurt in them, the betrayal – but there was also a slight sheen of hopefulness in them, as though her words were something he had been longing to hear but would not allow himself to hope for.
"You matter to me Kylo Ren, so when Hux asked me to push you over the brink, to leave you dangling in a pit of despair, I could not bear to tell you. I could not bear to tell you because I was worried that you would ask me to do the same thing. That you would ask me to push you over to the Dark Side once and for all, and then ask me to join you there."
He listened to her words intently, allowing them to sink in before he replied.
"That is not the only thing that has troubled you."
She wished he had said anything but that – because he was right, and it was something that had concerned her since the day General Hux had summoned her.
"I was worried that I would not be able to stop myself from following you." She said, her voice soft as she continued to try to deny it to herself.
She sat down, her legs finally losing their strength as the weight of her confession was lifted off her shoulders. He knew now. All that was left was to see how he would react.
"And now?"
"And now, I am still not sure what I would do. Not when it comes to you, or to Ben. Both of you."
He did not even attempt to correct her, and for that, she was grateful. Maybe he was finally remembering and accepting that Ben Solo was a part of him.
He did not move from his spot in front of her, not a single muscle twitched. It gave her the time to look him over, scrutinize every expression on his face. She knew he would not give her an easy answer, not unless his body language betrayed it.
Her eyes scanned his face, but there was not a twitch or a tremor in sight, no droplets of sweat, no flush on his cheeks or tears brimming his eyes to betray how he was really feeling. His expression was slightly strained though, and she wondered what it could mean, right up until she saw the discoloration on the front of his robes right underneath his shoulder. She stood up, trying to get a closer look. His eyes surveyed her with an inquisitive glance, wondering what it was she wanted to do. Cara's hand reached up, eventually touching the fabric against his chest, letting out a small gasp as she felt the wetness beneath her fingertips and the red colour staining them.
"Kylo, are you bleeding? What happened?"
He shook his head as if coming out of a deep sleep, finally noticing her hand on his chest and the placement of it. He grabbed her wrist tenderly, pushing it down and away from him. He did not let go of her though, and they stood like that for a while, each surveying the other as they tried to understand what was happening.
"Did this happen while you were away? Have you been straining yourself too much during our sessions?"
It was unthinkable; he had never broken a sweat, never cried out as though he was in pain. She could not understand where this wound had come from, and yet it was tangible and real, and quite deep, judging from the amount of blood staining his cloak.
"Yes, it happened while I was away. You do not need to concern yourself with it, Cara. It is just a minor scratch."
"A scratch would not have this much blood spilling out of it. Let me take a look at it." She said, her medical instincts kicking in.
"There is no need."
"Have you had this properly looked at?" She asked, staring at him pointedly. She needed him to understand that she would not allow him to walk away from her unless she examined the wound first. He sighed, seemingly understanding her defiant expression, and sat down, pulling his robes off his shoulders as he did so.
He pulled his undershirt off of his strong frame, and she gasped a little as she saw the size of the wound. It was most likely from a blaster, a darkened edge around it indicating the burning feeling that accompanied the onslaught from such a weapon. She lightly patted her fingers around it, trying to see if it would spark a pained reaction from him. He gave no indication that he was in pain – it was as though it did not even bother him.
"Are you trying to tell me that this does not hurt?" She asked, genuinely curious.
"I can barely feel it." He said, and she examined his eyes to see if he was lying, but there was nothing but honesty there. She could barely believe it. If a wound like this did not hurt, it once again hinted at just how strong he may be.
"Did this happen while you were away?" She asked, finally remembering that he still had something to tell her.
"Yes." He replied simply. She allowed the pads of her fingers to ghost over the skin around his wound, relishing the feeling of his warmth beneath her fingertips. It had been so long since she had been this close to him, this intimate. If she ignored her surroundings she could almost pretend they were back on D'Qar, leading the life she had always hoped they would have together.
"Will you tell me?" She asked, even though he had already promised her.
He looked at her hand on his shoulder, and for a moment she thought he would shrug it off. Instead, he kept his eyes on it, as though he could not tear his gaze away, before beginning to speak.
"We were doing a routine raid on a nearby planet – sympathisers of the Resistance had taken up residence there and I had an instinct that they had important information. They were mine to find, and mine to handle. The only task those insolent soldiers were given was to round up the rest of the villagers and make sure they would not try anything. Of course, being as incompetent as they are, they failed at their only task. I became angry, a burning hot desire to punish them coming over me – I had every right to be angry as it turned out that they were unable to even notice one of the villagers having cowered behind a nearby shack with a blaster gun. I was seeing red, and I decided to forego stopping the shot in favour of reprimanding the soldier that had let it happen. Fear is the only thing that can truly keep them in line. Seeing me hit by a blaster and not falter from it? That would only serve to frighten them further."
She could hear the more vicious side of Kylo Ren seeping through his words, the idea that he would willingly hurt himself only to prove his strength distressing her. She still had not taken her hands off of his shoulder however, not allowing herself to pull away.
"Is that all that happened? Did it backfire on you in some way?"
"No. It does not matter – it does not affect my abilities or my power in any way."
"So what did happen? Was this the village where you captured the pilot?"
"No, that was a different village. That was on Jakku."
Cara tensed, sensing that he was about to reveal something to her the magnitude of which she could not even begin to comprehend. She remained silent, signalling for him to continue.
"There was an elder there that had aided the pilot. He claimed to have known where I come from, before I became who I was truly meant to be. I had heard enough. There was sufficient evidence that he knew more than he was letting on, that he knew exactly what we were looking for. That information had already been passed on to the pilot, however. The man was of no use to us anymore."
"So you killed him." Cara whispered, almost not wanting to believe it. She knew that he had murdered and hurt people in the past – it was a detail of his life not so easily forgotten. That did not mean that it hurt any less whenever she was confronted with the truth of his deeds though.
"Yes,' he stated, as a matter of fact, 'but not before he showed me something. Not before he forced me to enter his mind."
She held her breath in anticipation of his next words.
"He showed me you, Cara. He knew you. Not only when you had lived on Jakku, but before that. When you were younger, during your time with Ben. He somehow knew who you were."
"What does that mean?" She asked, desperate to know.
"He showed me my own memories, Cara. He knew I could not deny it any longer."
She could feel her grip tightening on his shoulder, trying to anchor herself to his presence, if only to feel more grounded. She was dying to ask him what it was he could no longer deny, even though she had a feeling she already knew. It was an answer she had been waiting for since the day he had revealed his true identity to her.
"I could no longer deny who you were to me, Cara Nova. Not anymore."
Tears threatened to brim the rims of her eyes, but she forced herself to blink them away. Neither Kylo nor Ben would want to see her that way.
"And now? Who am I to you now?" She whispered.
"That is what worries me."
"How so?" She asked, sitting down on the bench next to him, sliding her hand down from his shoulder to his wrist, gripping it tight in order to steady herself. She looked him straight in the eye, trying to show him that she was ready for whatever it was he had to say to her.
"It worries me because I cannot imagine the path you will take any more than you do. But I need to know, Cara. I need to know if you will follow me. I need to know if you will stay by my side."
A/N: As always, and reviews are welcome and appreciated! I'm so glad so many people are enjoying this story. I hope you liked this chapter just as much as I liked writing it!