For the first time since she had arrived, Cara felt as though she and Kylo Ren were on the same page. Their future was as uncertain as it could possibly be. There was no knowing what would affect the outcome, and there was no way of knowing what would happen to either of them along the way.
"I cannot say, Kylo. I cannot know if I will follow you. Not unless you give me a reason, an indication as to why I should stay. As tempting as the Dark Side may be for you, for me even, if you are there – it is not who I am. You should know that better than anyone."
"It could be who you become." He said, worry clouding his judgement.
"And it could be that you can find it in your heart to tear yourself away from it." She said, moving her hand from his wrist to intertwine her fingers with his. His hands were clammy, the uncomfortableness and difficulty of the situation taking its toll on both of them. She refused to let go, however. She needed him now, more than ever. She needed both Kylo and Ben. She needed a friend.
"You know that that is not something I can promise you, Cara."
"I'm not asking for a promise! I'm just asking for a bit of hope." She said, desperation worming its way into her words.
"And that is also something I cannot give you. Not in regards to this, anyway."
"Ben Solo promised me once that he would never abandon me. You know that he is as much a part of you as you are of me. Please keep that promise for him. For me. Please." There was nothing she could do to stop herself from pleading. This was the furthest she had come with Kylo, the furthest she had gotten to uprooting whatever darkness it was that had forced its way into his being.
"Ben Solo and I are not the same person, as much as you may wish that we were."
"That is not what I meant –"
He drew his hand away from her, a feeling of rejection settling in the pit of her stomach. She decided to ignore her gut instinct – ignore the fact that he was clearly trying to pull away from her again. He stood up, trying to put some distance between them, and she followed, staying as close to him as was possible without actually touching him.
"But it is what you meant, though, is it not? You have felt lonely here, desperate for attention, affection. There was a voice in the back of your head that told you that I would one day be able to give that to you. You should have known better." He turned around to face her, seemingly surprised when he noticed just how close she was to him.
"Do not talk to me as though you've reverted back to your old ways, Kylo Ren. You have changed since you captured me, don't try to deny it."
"When will you understand that I can never go back to whoever it was that I used to be? Whoever it is that you would like me to be? There is no call to the light that is strong enough to erase the things that I have done in the past, nor that will change the things I want to do in the future. The things I am meant to do."
"What if you realized that all those things you are saying are just someone else's words of manipulation? They do not have to be your words Kylo! They were not Ben's, certainly."
"How can you be so sure? You once apologized because you realized that he was trying to tell you something all those years ago. That he was trying to tell you how conflicted he was. Perhaps Ben Solo was already being called to the Darkness then, the same way I still am now." He said, clearly trying to make some sense of the situation. He was as confused as he'd ever been, and being so close to her made it harder for him to think.
"Let me show you something."
"I do not need another reminder of what used to be, Cara. I have seen enough of those."
"Please, just let me show you. One more memory, and I will never ask you to relive the past that way again; not unless you want to." She folded his hands in hers, attempting to show him just how much she wanted to help him.
He sighed, giving in to the imploring look in her eyes. He had strayed from his path this far, he may as well stray a little further. He entered her mind once more, trying but failing to ignore the pained look on her features as he intruded onto her memories. It was a look that allowed guilt to seep into his very core, but he relished the look on her face anyway – because in that moment, it was the only thing keeping him anchored to the Darkness.
Cara ran down the hallways, currently in a very serious game of hide and go seek with Ben. Some would call it a childish game, but she and Ben were thirteen years old, and still savoured the challenge of hunting each other down in the behemoth of a base that they lived in. It was like their very own concocted treasure hunt – one that they had practiced many times on all their adventures discovering every nook and cranny of the place they called home. Whenever they played, they each brought a book with them. It would sometimes take hours before the seeker could find the hider – they even imparted a rule that after a certain amount of time passed and you had not been found, the game was over anyway. If that rule had not been in place, they could have potentially stayed hidden away for days at a time.
The anticipation of waiting to be found had always made her anxious – there had been times when she had been alone for so long she had dug much too deep into her own thoughts. Ben had found her crying on one such day as she remembered her parents and all the things she wished she could tell them about her life with him. That was when they both had chosen to bring books along – too much time alone with your own mind could be quite harmful emotionally.
On this day, the game had not gone quite as planned. She had decided to hide out in a small alcove they had found quite near his parents' bedroom – it was tucked away at the far end of the hallway, completely invisible unless you were stood right in front of it. Before she could situate herself in her chosen spot however, she was stopped by none other than General Organa herself.
"Hello, Cara, dear. Do you happen to know where Ben is? I'd like to talk to him about something." The woman said to her in a sweet and protective voice. She always knew how to make Cara feel right at ease.
"We're actually playing hide and seek at the moment. I'm supposed to be hiding from him right now." She responded, excitedly. She was eager to fold herself up in the small corner, eager to start reading the book she had borrowed from him.
"Oh alright, I'll let you get on with it then." The older woman said, laying a hand on the younger girls' shoulder before turning to walk down the hallway.
Cara started running again, anxious to make sure that Ben would not suddenly spot her still roaming around. Before she could reach the end of the hallway though, his mother once again stopped her with her words.
"Actually, Cara, do you mind if I ask you something?"
She turned around, not wanting to give the General a reason to become angry with her. She never had, of course; but there was a first time for everything, and Cara was in no hurry to find out what would happen if she ever crossed that line.
"Uhm, yes. Okay." She responded, slightly confused as to what the General could possibly have to ask her.
"How does Ben seem to you?"
"What do you mean?"
"How does Ben seem to you, just in general? I feel like he is distancing himself from me, from us. I'd like to know why."
"Ben seems fine to me." Cara responded, apprehensive to explain her true thoughts on the matter.
"Are you sure?' Leia asked, seemingly knowing that the young girl in front of her was not being completely honest with her, 'You can tell me, Cara. It's okay. He's not in trouble or anything."
"He better not be, he hasn't done anything wrong!" Cara burst out, before she could stop herself. She slapped a hand over her mouth, frightened by the ferocity of her own words.
"I never said he did." The General said, looking surprised at the sudden outburst.
"I – I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell." Cara desperately tried to apologize, wanting to detach herself from this situation as soon as possible. Ben had confided in her plenty of times about why he was choosing to stay away from his parents – she did not have the heart to tell his own mother why.
"That's alright. I just need to know, does he think he is in trouble for anything? I miss seeing him, and I just want him to know that he can come talk to me about anything." Leia said, genuine regret lacing her voice. Cara's heart went out to her – she remembered how saddened her own mother had looked whenever Cara had refused to play with her in favour of Ben.
"He knows you are scared of him." She whispered, feeling slightly guilty about betraying her friend's confidence.
"He has to know that we aren't frightened of him! He's our son, we love him." The older woman said in response, referring to herself and Han.
"I don't think he doubts that you love him. I think he doubts that you feel safe around him. He's heard you whispering about him before – heard you say that it frightens you whenever he becomes angry."
"That is just a parents' concern. It does not change how we feel about him."
"But it does though, doesn't it? Every fearful look you give him makes him feel a little more insecure in who he is."
"But I –" The General started, but Cara interrupted her, wanting to finish her thought before running in the opposite direction to hide herself in the dark.
"I know that you love him. Deep down, he knows this too. All I ask is that you look further than his anger and his tantrums. Look further than who it is he comes from! I have heard the tales, he has told me of his heritage. Ben is my friend, General Organa. I'm with him every day because I want to be. Not because he forced me, or because guilt is making me hang around him. He is my friend, and I care about him. I can see through the anger – believe it or not, he becomes angry with me sometimes too! But he is strong enough to overcome it – he is strong enough to push it away from himself and not project it onto someone else. That is the Ben Solo that I know. That is the Ben Solo I play and read and explore with every day. I just wish you could see him the same way I do. Stop thinking about this power that he has inside of him. That's all he needs."
Cara could feel tears brimming in her own eyes, and did not want the General to see that this conversation had affected her so harshly. Before his mother could reply, Cara stormed off towards her hiding space, the darkness having a peculiarly calming effect on her as she tried to understand just how deep her friendship with Ben Solo had become.
She was suddenly snapped out of her reverie as Kylo pulled himself out of her mind. It had gone unnoticed by either of them that they had moved even closer to each other, their foreheads now resting against one another as Kylo leaned back against the wall to steady himself. He was trying to slow his breathing, as was she, and she could feel his warm breath fanning her face with every movement he made. She thought that he would push her away from him – that being this close would make him uncomfortable in some way. He seemed lost in his own thoughts however, and it was as if she was the only thing that currently made him feel grounded to reality.
After a few more moments of standing in that same position, Kylo finally gathered the courage to speak.
"Do you – do you still believe in me that same way?" He whispered.
"If you give me something that I can believe in, I will never stop." She said, neither of them daring to open their eyes. She lifted her hand to his face, stroking the soft skin of his cheek with her thumb while she willed him to tell her how he was feeling now.
"I don't know what I should do. What I need to do." He responded, his voice cracked with confusion.
"I cannot tell you what to do. I can only help with whatever it is you decide to move forward with."
"I don't – I don't know. I don't know what to do about you, about any of this." He continued, his eyes still closed as he leant into the touch of her hand.
They were so close – her body fully rested against his as she continued her ministrations on his cheek, hoping the repetitive movement would calm him down somewhat. She still did not dare to open her eyes, fearing it would ruin whatever trance he was in at the moment. She leant into him, revelling in the intimacy they were currently sharing, intimacy that she had longed for back on base all those years ago and had not realized she had been longing for since her capture until this very moment.
Suddenly, it was as if time stopped – the only sound she could hear was the rush of her own blood in her ears as she felt his lips softly brush against hers. There was no pressure there, just the lightest of touches; as if a feather was being stroked against her lips without her being warned about it. It was intimate and powerful – she could feel her heart stop beating for the millisecond that his mouth had brushed against hers, her heart desperately trying to tell her that she needed to lean into it and her mind telling her that it would only scare him away. She reciprocated the only way she knew how – giving him the lightest of kisses; just so that he would know that she wanted this too, whatever it was that was happening. It seemed that her response had been too much however; and before she could even comprehend what was happening, he had pushed her off of him and rushed out the door, much the same way he had done whenever they had begun a game of hide and go seek.
A/N: I honestly can't believe I've written 29 chapters already. When I started with this fic I had originally only planned for about 16, but it just turned out that I apparently had more to say about these two than I originally thought. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know what you thought and thanks for following for so long!~