He had left her with a sickening feeling to her stomach, guilt ripping through her very being as she replayed their encounter over and over again in her mind. She felt as though she had let herself get carried away, forgetting who he was, who they were – and in that moment, the only thing she could remember was his touch, the feeling of his warm skin against hers as they shared a moment they had not shared in such a long time.
He had been Ben just as well as he had been Kylo; somehow, they had merged into one, allowing Cara to momentarily forget the pain she had felt when Ben had left her the first time and all the hurt Kylo had caused her since her capture. He had been all she had needed, both sides of him. Now she was left sitting alone again, for days on end, wondering when it would be that he would dare to come speak to her again.
Nine meals had come and gone since Kylo Ren had brushed his lips against hers, and without the friendly face of FN-2187 to keep her company nowadays, she had nothing to do but sit alone with her own thoughts. That was dangerous territory for her to stray into; she tended to dig too far and end up too deep within her own emotions. It blocked her ability to think clearly, and that was something she truly needed. There was no way of knowing when and how Kylo would come see her again. She needed to keep a level head when he did.
To keep her mind from wandering, she read the book he had loaned her over and over again. She read it so many times that she had memorized most of the stories, the illustrations burned into her mind's eye for the rest of her life. Every story she made up seemed to be an exact replica of one that she had already read, or they had ended up as a metaphor for her own life. Nothing she did seemed to be able to distract her from her predicament completely. Perhaps that was what he wanted. Perhaps he wanted her to wallow in her guilt until he could bring himself to face her again.
She had not even heard a single set of footsteps walk by her room over the course of the past three days, with the exception of the soldiers that brought her food. She was always listening, always hoping. Even a visit from General Hux would have been wanted at this point – he might have been able to give her an insight as to how Kylo – Ben – was dealing with what had happened between them. The General did not come however, and she could not help but feel that Kylo had scared him away from her for good. As welcome as that thought was, it was also a lonely one. The only interaction she would now have would be Kylo himself whenever he wanted to risk his presence, and the agitated Stormtroopers that brought her dinner with disdain.
These were the thoughts that kept circling through her mind, keeping her roused whenever she tried to sleep and irritating her whenever she was wide awake. Even now, as she once more read the last page of the enormous historical tomb sat on her lap, the never-ending cycle of memories haunted her. It was beginning to infuriate her – her fingers trembled and shook the page she was holding, her eyes began to blink rapidly as she felt a single drop of sweat make its way down her forehead. She stood up shakily, and threw the book against the opposite wall, letting out an ear-splitting scream that surely should have garnered the attention of everyone on this wretched planet. She had had enough, and she could feel her anger seeping through her very pores, allowing herself to finally feel all the pent up frustration and tension that had been brewing inside of her for so long. She was angry about her own guilt, angry about her being cooped up in this miniature room, angry about the way she had been treated. Most of all, though, she was angry at Kylo's apparent cowardice to come and face her. She was ready to see him. She needed him to come see her.
Cara yelled again, allowing all her resentment to be released in one fell swoop as she picked up the stool and smashed it against the wall repeatedly, in the exact same spot Kylo Ren had decimated with his lightsaber just a few weeks ago. It was liberating, letting all these negative emotions out – and since she had no one else to blame but herself and a man who was ignoring her, there was no other way for her to release her anger. She felt oddly strong, and capable, and she continued to smash the stool against the wall until one of the legs broke off. She emitted one more scream, one more vocalization of the anguish she felt for the life she had once known, and threw the stool away from her as it clattered against another wall and fell to the floor at the same time she did. Her breathing had become laboured with her efforts, her hands still shaking as she tried to regain focus. She had never let herself become so angry – not even when Kylo Ren had tried to push her to use it against him during their training sessions. She hated to admit this to herself, but it felt good. She felt liberated, exhilarated, as though nothing in the world could make her feel inferior or sub-par again.
Still clouded by her rage induced haze, she had not even noticed the many sets of footsteps that could be heard coming down the hallway. As her breathing steadied again and she finally realized the severity of what had just overcome her, the door swung open, startling her. There, in all his masked glory, stood Kylo Ren – the one he had been before she had started getting through to him. His mask was on, covering his familiar and delicate features, his hands once more covered in black leather gloves and his hand resting steadily on the hilt of his lightsaber. He did not say a word to her, only proceeded to stare at her, noticing the dishevelled state of her room and of herself. He smiled slightly underneath his mask, unbeknownst to anyone around – perhaps all his teachings about anger and rage had finally gotten through to her.
She did not say a word to him either, stunned at his sudden presence and confused as to the being there of the Stormtroopers outside in the hall behind him. Cara stood, still trembling, in order to get a better look at the situation in front of her. She looked behind Kylo Ren, and noticed that the troopers were holding another hostage – this one was a young girl, seemingly younger than Cara herself, fear in her eyes but determination in her features. The two women stared at each other, each trying to puzzle out the meaning behind the other's presence. Cara hoped that her current state of being would not scare the young woman away – there could only be something to be gained from another hostage who could potentially become an ally.
"I see you've taken to my teachings after all." Kylo said, the distorter in his mask making his voice seem much more menacing than it had been when she had last seen him. His words snapped both women out of their reverie, the young woman seemingly surprised that he would talk to her fellow hostage so civilly.
"You are the one who made me angry, Kylo. You should know why."
"Does it upset you that I left you here for a mere few days? I have other matters more important than you, Cara Nova. That is not something you should forget."
The young woman struggled against the grips of the soldiers holding her, seemingly wanting to get a closer look at the interaction between Cara and her vicious captor. Cara could not blame her; when she had first arrived here any bit of information about the mysterious masked man had been a blessing.
"Where have you been?" She asked, already knowing the answer but wanting to hear him confirm it anyway.
"I would have thought that was obvious."
"Where did you kidnap her from?" She asked, once more turning her gaze towards the woman in the hallway.
"Takodana. She is in league with the resistance. She has important information that I will retrieve from her."
"Will retrieve or will try to retrieve? I seem to remember you attempting the same thing on me. Perhaps she does not have any information to give."
"There is no use in speaking about matters of which you have no knowledge." Kylo said, his voice harsh behind his mask. She knew that he was trying to distance himself from her, but there was nothing that would allow him to forget what had passed between them. Least of all Cara herself.
"Then why are you allowing me to see her? Or were you so desperate to see me once you came back from your mission that you could not even spare the time to bring her to her cell first?" She goaded, trying to get a rise out of him.
"Enough!" He shouted, and she perceived all of his tell-tale signs of anger; but it no longer worried her. She was certain that he would not be able to hurt her. Not after what had happened, after what he had confessed to her. No matter how harshly he was treating her at the moment, he was still as confused as ever.
"Bring the prison to the interrogation chamber. I will meet you there. Strap her in to await my arrival." He said, directing his orders at the soldiers but not allowing his gaze to leave Cara.
Cara tore her eyes away from Kylo's mask long enough to lock gazes with the young woman currently being dragged off towards a room she was all too familiar with. She worried for the girl, worried for the pain Kylo Ren would undoubtedly cause her. She wanted to be able to stop him somehow – she knew that nobody deserved that kind of treatment, and yet, something about the woman's gaze made Cara feel at ease, as though she was capable of almost anything she set her mind to, and that a few mind tricks would mean nothing to her. The women nodded at each other before the soldiers were out of sight, and Kylo and Cara were alone in her cell once more.
"Your anger suits you." Kylo whispered, his voice becoming his familiar self even though he was leaving the mask on. His hand left his lightsaber, indicating that he was once becoming more relaxed in her presence. His words were complimentary, but they did nothing to boost her ego. They made her feel nauseous, as though his confirmation of her anger finally reminded her of who she truly was and what she had been close to becoming.
"Your avoidance does not."
"I cannot simply abandon my duties. No matter what happened."
"Does that exclude letting me know that you were leaving again? Does that exclude an apology of some sort, some acknowledgement of what happened between us? There is nothing you can do in this galaxy that will change the past, Kylo. You of all people should know that."
"I am not avoiding anything, as you imply. I am simply continuing to be who I am within the First Order."
She let out an exasperated sigh, knowing that her attempt to make him feel guilty was futile. No matter how he felt about her, he would carry out his duties as long as he felt that was what he was meant to do. Her presence and their relationship confused him, yes, but she realized that he held on to some sliver of hope that she would turn to the Dark Side with him that allowed him to continue his duties. A sliver that she had just turned into a beacon by showing him how much her anger could affect her.
"If anyone here is avoiding anything, it is you, Cara. There is no stopping the anger that boils inside of you. There is no ignoring it." He said, turning towards the door and towards the torture of his newest prisoner.
He left her standing there once again as the door fell shut behind him; and as the reality of his words sunk in heavy sobs began to rack her body until she had no more tears left to give.
A/N: I hope there are no mistakes in this chapter, but I haven't been feeling well so it's possible that I missed one or two. In any case, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! All your lovely comments make it so much more fun and rewarding to write this story.