"So did she tell you what you wanted to hear?" Cara asked of Kylo, surprised at his sudden appearance in her room. She had been worried about the young woman all night, hoping that he would not let his other nature get the best of him. Whoever she was, she did not deserve that kind of treatment.
"That is none of your concern." He replied, as he paced around her small chambers. She could tell that he was nervous – something about his encounter with his latest prisoner was bothering him. She walked over to him, trying to get his anxious movements to stop. Grabbing his wrists, she pulled him to a standstill, trying to get him to look her in the eyes as she attempted to understand what was wrong.
"What happened?" She asked, hoping she would not have to pry too hard to get an answer from him.
"She is – what does it matter? Nothing happened, Cara."
"That is nonsense and you know it. You would not have come here if you were not so bothered by her. What did she do to you?" She asked, suddenly worried for him instead of the young woman. It was a foolish thought, of course, but there was a natural instinct to protect him within her, something that had grown even more pronounced since her angered outburst not a few hours earlier.
"She is more powerful than I thought. She is strong with the Force. Untrained, but strong." He whispered, a saddened look in his eyes that Cara could not quite comprehend.
"What does that mean? I thought – I thought that all the Jedi had been vanquished." Cara said, choosing her words carefully. She had heard the tales of his treason, of course. It was still hard to believe that was supposedly the same man standing in front of her now. She knew that he had been manipulated into that action; just as he had been manipulated into the First Order, and over to the Dark Side. Another swell of anger threatened to overtake her, but she took a deep breath to steady herself. There was no use in getting angry now, especially not at someone she was not able to direct her anger towards. The man who had manipulated Ben Solo in the first place.
"It means nothing, so long as she does not learn how to use her powers against me. I can train her, if I must."
"What did she do to you?' Cara asked again, knowing there was something he was not telling her, 'You are rattled, Kylo. Tell me why, I can help you."
"Of course you cannot help me. This is something I have to fix on my own. There is nothing you can do that will make any of this any easier. This girl is stronger than I could foresee. It needs to be dealt with."
"Dealt with how, exactly?" She asked, unsure if she actually wanted to hear the truth from him.
"That is for the Supreme Leader to decide."
At the mention of his Leader, Cara could feel her insides flaring up. The Supreme Leader was the one who had done this to him, to her. To the entire galaxy, if that was how far his plans were to extend. Kylo could sense the tension within her, immediately moved his hand to her cheek as he had done so only mere moments before with his prisoner. This time, however, it was full of care, and concern, instead of malice and intimidation. Cara was the one person who could help him calm down and regain some perspective. He had the same effect on her.
"Who fuels your hatred?" Kylo asked, curious to know what had gotten her so riled up.
"This Supreme Leader of yours. What has he ever done to help you, Kylo? I want to know. I want to know why you trust him so much."
"He has given me my entire life, Cara. Don't you see? He has given me the strength to become this man whose hand you are holding right now – the strength to resist weakness and all the pain that comes with being fragile. If not for him we would not be here right now, together."
"If not for him you might have come back to me much sooner." She said, tears welling up in her eyes as she felt the honesty of her words right down to her very bones. It was a fact that she had ignored up until now; but there were so many choices the both of them could have made in the past, so many decisions they should have made that would have saved them both the pain and anger and frustration of the last few months. It all came down to the Supreme Leader, but sadly, there was nothing she could do about it. She did not have the strength to defy Kylo Ren, nor did she really want to. Not anymore. She needed him just as much as he needed her. She knew that now, and she was not willing to let go.
"The two of you are quite alike, actually." He said, as though he was talking more to himself than to her. She shook her head in confusion, not knowing what he was referring to. As he noticed the disordered look in her eyes he amended his earlier statement into something that took her by surprise.
"The girl. I probed her mind. She is not unlike you. Well, the way you were. When you first arrived here."
"And how is that?" She asked, slightly nervous as to what it was he would say.
"Lonely and sad lives on Jakku. Hungry for affection. Though there is a hint more desperation in her than there ever was in you, Cara. You were never desperate, always defiant. She longs for Han Solo to be a kind of father figure to her. A pathetic wish that will never come to fruition. There was never that sort of desperate hope within you. You knew exactly where you stood."
"Not always. Not with you."
A mere hint of a smile graced his features, indicating that he was pleased to hear her say so.
"But look at you now! You have grown so much. Your anger has made you even stronger than I could have imagined. All that rage that was boiling inside you; magnificent. It makes you who you are. It is what makes me who I am. It is what brings us together."
She could feel her throat tighten and her mouth become dry as she listened to his words. One side of her enjoyed his praise and relished in the fact that he appreciated her. That he wanted her. The other side of her, the more rational side, knew that he was leading her down a dark and slippery slope. One that she needed to escape from or she would never be the same again; but it was hard to look away from his eyes that were so full of pride. She wanted him to be proud of her, more than anything. It was a twisted and sinister feeling that made her stomach churn. She finally realized that she was now the one at war with herself – Kylo Ren was steadily becoming surer of himself while Cara was becoming the chaotic mess, a raging battle happening within of which her own anger was the instigator.
She tried to focus, but it was difficult, a combination of the mess of thoughts swirling within her to his proximity and the touch of his fingers against her cheek. He did not even have his gloves on, she realized, and his skin felt electric against hers, almost making her forget her troubles, forget that there was anything wrong. It was only the two of them, here and now. Snoke and the young woman did not matter, Han Solo and Leia Organa and FN-2187 and General Hux did not matter. Nobody mattered. Only the two of them. She could feel her heart beat quickening as she met his gaze, her breath becoming unsteady as she remembered how his lips had felt against her for the briefest of moments before he had run away from her. She could not feel him within her mind, and yet it was still as though he was reading her thoughts, moving his fingers under her chin as he spoke the words she did not realize she had been longing to hear.
"I am sorry I ran away from you before I left." He whispered, and she could feel herself melting into his touch, intoxicated by the warmth of his body so close to her.
"Then why did you?" She asked, so quietly she was barely able to hear the words herself.
"You frighten me." He answered earnestly, and she could hardly stand to hold his gaze as he looked at her with so much anguish and emotion.
"How is that even possible?" She laughed breathily, stunned by his answer and not knowing how to respond.
"It frightens me how much I need you."
His honesty was so refreshing, and Cara felt the only way she could repay it was with honesty of her own. He needed to know how troubled she was feeling, torn between two sides of herself she had not even known had existed until recently. Until he brought them out in her.
"If I frighten you then I believe you should know that I frighten myself too."
"How so?" He asked, a slight tremor in his voice indicating that he was worried about her answer.
"I am frightened by the anger within me. You're right, I cannot ignore it. It has been there for longer than I realized, but I do not want it to be there. I never did. But there is a part of me that longs for it because that is what you long for, Kylo, and I wish to understand you better. Ben was often angry, and it scared me. You can be very angry, and that scares me too. Myself, though? That is an anger of which I cannot predict the outcome; and I don't know what to do about it."
There was a hardened look in his eyes which made her fearful for his response. She knew how much he wanted her to embrace her anger, because it was what made his own choice easier for him. The self-doubt within her reflected his own, and as long as it lasted his would last too, no matter how sure he had become of himself over the past few days.
"Anger does not need to frighten you. It is a part of who we are, who everyone is. It is an emotion like any other, an emotion that can be used. I need you to understand this, Cara. I need you to know that it is okay to feel what you feel."
"I don't think I can ever be sure, or fully understand."
The hardened look in his eyes became even more prominent, making her wonder what it was he was thinking. She wanted to know how he felt about her indecision, about her confusion – perhaps they could work out their problems together and be stronger, together. Before she could ask what it was he meant though, he had grabbed her face roughly between both of his hands and placed his lips upon hers once more.
This kiss was not fragile at all, the intensity increased a thousand fold since last time as he kissed her ferociously and without pause. She became lightheaded, forgetting her current predicament as she kissed him back with an amount of passion she did not even know she had inside of her. She was fuelled by his desire, fuelled by her own heated craving that came with every touch of his lips and hands against her. His hands had moved down to her waist, and she had tangled her fingers in his long hair, trying to pull him even closer to her, if that was at all possible. She was lost in a blinding white heat – anger, passion, confusion, all rolled into one delicious and heady kiss that would stay with her long after it had finished.
As their need to breathe finally got the best of them, she could barely look him in the eye as she tried to comprehend what had just happened. Her forehead rested against his, and she could feel his chest rising and falling as he struggled to catch his breath the same way she was. It was hard to find the right words to say after such a moment, wondering where it had come from and wishing it did not have to end.
"The effect you have on me is strong, Kylo Ren. I can't seem to pull myself away." She whispered finally, momentarily forgetting all the questions that had been developing within her before she had been swept up in such a heated moment.
He moved his head to look at her, taking in her dishevelled state and smiling slightly to himself. If his goal had been to make her forget about her uncertainty and fear over the turmoil within her, he had succeeded. He would continue to help her forget until she could no longer separate the anger within herself.
"That effect has only become stronger because you have finally allowed yourself to feel what it is you truly feel, Cara,' He swept a strand of her away from her face, and a shiver ran up her spine at his touch, 'do not be afraid to be who you really are."
A/N: This update took a day longer than usual, and I apologize for that, but I am feeling better! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, as always. I think I should give you guys a fair warning that we are starting to approach the end (there's still a good couple of chapters to go though, don't worry!) but it will end along the TFA timeline.