CHAPTER 48: CHASING WARMTH

"Shh… it's alright."

Marlene was restless and upset, her whines threatening to escalate into wails. Tifa gently bounced the baby at her hip, walking slowly between the four rooms of the apartment. Over the past few weeks, she had gotten to know the child well. Sometimes, she'd calm down when Tifa took her to look in the mirror or when she tickled the crook of her neck, but not tonight. The kid was cranky and tired, but Barret was late and Marlene didn't want to go to sleep without him. He had let Tifa know he'd be home much later than usual, saying that he was meeting some friends for a drink after work. Tifa could only nod and wish him a good time, but in reality, the thought terrified her. What if he was like her father? Barret was a large, muscular man. What would she ever do if he came back here angry enough to strike her or kick her out? Tifa had her martial arts, but she was out of shape and never wanted to raise her fists against a friend.

She shook her head to be rid of those thoughts. It would be alright, wouldn't it?

Another whine from the baby reminded Tifa to focus on the task at hand. "Okay, okay! Where's your pacifier?"

Tifa continued to gently bounce the baby as she paced around, combing each room with her eyes. The plastic pacifier sat on the coffee table, among a small mess of Barret's papers and receipts from his job. She did her best to keep the tiny apartment spotless, scrubbing floors while Marlene napped and dusting whenever she could, but she never touched Barret's things. One sheet of paper was a different color than the rest and stood out in the pile. Absently, Tifa placed the pacifier in the baby's mouth as she picked up the little yellow slip. Most of Barret's handwriting was almost illegible (since his dominant hand was now a gun) but there were several things she could understand. There were numbers and coordinates, crudely drawn diagrams and lists of numbers. What did all of this mean? Was it just construction notes for a new project? Scribbled in capital letters in the corner of the paper was a word that drew out hazy memories of hand printed letters from her late husband.

AVALANCHE.

Tifa remembered what Cloud had said about them: that they were terrorists who struck out at ShinRA because they believe harvesting mako was killing the planet. Was Barret a member of AVALANCHE? Did he want to save the planet, too? She had always thought that terrorists were bad people who just wanted to hurt others, but was it true in this case? Barret had a soft heart; he would never hurt anyone. Would he?

A whine turned into the shrill beginnings of a wail, and Tifa once again turned her attention to the baby. Her face crumpled as she spit out her pacifier.

None of the usual tricks would work, and Marlene let forth one loud cry after another. Her little face was growing pink with exertion and tiny tears had begun to stream down her cheeks. After half an hour of failing to soothe her, Tifa was beginning to grow teary eyed herself. From someone else's perspective, it may have been comical to see her get so worked up over a cranky baby. But to Tifa, she was a failure. She failed to calm Marlene, just as she failed to bring Aria into the world alive. Occasions like this one reminded her that she wasn't resourceful or clever enough to be a mother, and that's why her own daughter had been taken from her. The gaping hole in her heart stung like a thousand bees and she gasped at the sensation. Knees suddenly weak, Tifa moved to the bedroom and sat on her neatly folded blanket. She shifted Marlene off of her hip and into her arms. Without thinking, Tifa began to raise up her shaky voice, gently singing a song of which she only knew a handful of the words. The rest, she hummed, or substituted her own lyrics.

Marlene continued to fuss at first: stretching her little legs out and bowing her back. But after a long minute, the baby began to relax. Her cries wore down into keening sobs and Tifa caressed her head. Marlene looked up at her with big eyes. Her cooing voice made Marlene fixate on her, like Tifa had summoned a memory in her little head. Her brown eyes glistened in the dim light and she quieted, staring up into her caretaker's face. Did this baby's mother sing to her like this? Her reaction gave Tifa the will to keep singing, voice now strong and sure. She remembered how much it comforted her to be held in Mama's arms as a child, but she never imagined that holding someone might feel just as soothing as being held. Her heart felt so full as she cradled the little girl in her arms, moving to rest the baby's head on her chest.

The cats yowled in the alleyway and there was a blare of a car horn or two, but Tifa didn't stop and the baby didn't stir. She sang and she sang until Marlene's eyes grew heavy and her body went limp in her lap. It felt good to sing. There was something so freeing and beautifully expressive in using one's voice to comfort, and Tifa reveled in her new discovery. She could sing to Marlene and yet honor Aria at the same time, her little song, spreading peace as she passed through. Once she was sure the little one was asleep, she unfolded the blankets and lay down beside her, swaddling the baby against her chest. In the time that she'd been here, she'd poured out her heart and soul into Marlene. Tifa wasn't quite a mother, more like a nanny of sorts, but she'd take it. It made living with a stranger worth it, aside from food and shelter of course. It was hard not to feel selfish, for she felt as if she was being given more than she earned. Watching Marlene every day was hardly any work at all when Tifa considered how it quieted the screaming in her heart.

Barret gave her so much, how could she even begin to express her gratitude? Would it change things between them if he was aware she knew he was a terrorist? She was just starting to feel comforted and safe here, with this baby who gave her purpose and this man who was slowly becoming less and less of a stranger. She continued to hum her melody softly, breathing in the scent of the child in her arms. Tiny fingers gripped her thumb and Tifa smiled faintly at the feel of it. Marlene would never understand what a wonderful blessing she was, caressing and healing the gaping wounds of her heart. With this baby in her life, she no longer needed customers' leftover liquor to chase away the shadow of hopelessness and death that watched her from the corner. The lullaby of the city sounds held Tifa close and stole her away, into a deep sleep.

… … …

Grey ocean waves rolled underneath a stormy sky. Papa was wading away into the sea; much too far away to call out to him even after she followed until the water was up to her knees. Claudia wasn't far behind him, with her long bright hair tossing in the wind, a vibrant contrast against the dark water. A voice, smooth as silk, called out her name and a shiver snaked over her body. Ahead and to her left was Mama, smiling softly, as she held the hand of a little fair-haired toddler. Both sets of eyes shared the same deep red.

Aria?

Tifa called out to her mother again and again. She ran forward into the frigid waves, desperately trying to reach them, for she knew that they'd soon disappear. Mama's black hair whipped wildly in the gales, but her eyes were warm and gentle as she moved her mouth and spoke. Tifa strained her ears to hear her words, but they were lost in the roar of the surf. She couldn't wade through the water fast enough, screaming and begging for her mother to stretch out her hand and pull her closer. Aria's crimson eyes watched her struggle. Mama just lowered her head, and Tifa was afraid that if she blinked, they'd both be gone. Sea-spray and tears coated her eyelashes as she pushed forward against the rising tide.

"Mama!"

… … …

Something made her gasp awake. She lay motionless, Marlene still tucked into her chest, as she listened. Heavy boot steps fell upon the floorboards and Tifa immediately relaxed, knowing at once that it was only Barret. Heart still hammering in her chest, she listened as he prepared for bed, thoughts busy with the analysis of her dream. Was Aria safe with her mother? Were they all in paradise together with Papa and Claudia?

Eventually, Barret came to lay down beside her and wrapped himself in his own blanket cocoon. His scent was heavy with smoke and sweat, much different than the usual smell of cigarettes and alcohol from one of his nights out with his friends. What had he been up to? Though he came back late some nights, he had earned some of Tifa's trust through his behavior. Barret never made her feel uncomfortable or unwanted, even though she knew she didn't belong here. He'd go out for a few drinks, but never come back drunk or angry; if anything, he was more light hearted and cheery when he returned. Tifa was starting to think that maybe she could be safe here. The warmth of his body comforted her and she shyly gravitated towards it as she sorted through her thoughts, hoping he could heal some of her troubles with his presence alone. As she desperately tried to fall back asleep, she replayed her vison over and over again in her mind. She had dreamt of her mother a handful of times, but she was always walking away. What did that mean? Tifa pondered this as another question pulled and tugged at her relentlessly.

Why hadn't Cloud been there with them?

… … …

Plastic bag of take-out food in hand, Barret stepped out of the restaurant.

There was an extra bit of pep in his step these days. Things were finally coming together, and Barret felt better than he had since arriving in this hell hole of a city. Marlene was happy under Tifa's care, he was making enough money to get by, and his plans to revive AVALANCHE were beginning to take off. At first, it had surprised Barret how easy it was to meet people that shared his hatred of ShinRA. Here in the slums, the people felt so oppressed and exploited for their gil by the mega-corporation that it was common to hear other's grumbling about it at the bar or on the street. But he had to be careful to keep a low profile and keep mostly silent about his feelings on the matter and his intentions for revenge.

Biggs and his friend Wedge were the first to officially join as members so far. Wedge had been schoolmates with Biggs and the two had remained close friends over the years. He was a stocky guy, shorter and heavier than his friend. His happy-go-lucky personality brought lightness to the otherwise serious meetings where they'd discuss their ambitions and tentative plans regarding their miniature coup against the ShinRA Company. Wedge was fascinated by all sorts of life, flora and fauna alike. As a child, he had lived out east on a farm with his parents and little brother, spending the days collecting bugs and caring for livestock. ShinRA personnel bullied his parents into selling their farm (which was apparently on a prime piece of land for mako drilling) and promised them a happier, more comfortable life in the city. Even as a boy, he saw through their lies. But his parents couldn't, and he never quite forgave them for their decision to move to this dirty place. Wedge missed the blue sky and the fresh earth, and would do anything to defend it from ShinRA's destruction.

Barret felt that he could trust these two, but his third and final member seemed to have the most potential of all. He had met Jessie on the construction site of an apartment building he was working on. His company had hired her to rig up the electric wiring and install security systems into each unit. The way she had seethed and bristled at any mention of ShinRA had caught Barret's interest, knowing her passion and skills would be valuable for AVALANCHE. Jessie was born to two wealthy ShinRA scientists and lived on top of the plate for most of her life. She was fascinated with computers and the like, but her parents were never very involved in her life and failed to see that their daughter was just as much of a genius as they were. When Jessie turned nine, they fired her nanny and sent her away to boarding school. She was turned out of school when her parents had stopped paying her tuition at age seventeen. There was another family living in her old home, and ShinRA personnel said her parents had 'relocated' when she'd asked. Apparently, ShinRA considered such information as 'classified' even when those in question were your biological parents.

Jessie seemed just as trustworthy as the others, but twice as smart and resourceful. Her knowledge of the upper plate and computer hacking abilities were invaluable with the sort of things they hoped to accomplish. She was a mechanical genius, with a plethora of dangerous knowledge from questionable sources. With her, they'd be able to pack a punch and cripple ShinRA with everything from exploitation of digital coding to devastation of their property with explosives. With Jessie, they were in business. Things were starting slow, with meetings at a low-key bar twice a week. But now that their discussions were starting to get more serious and intricate, he thought about starting to have them gather at his apartment for a more private setting. Barret couldn't help but smile: they were going to completely blindside ShinRA!

He pushed through the crowded street and hurried up the stairs of his apartment building, smiling at the sound of Marlene's happy chatter on the other side of the door. He heard Tifa giggle her own response to the baby as he turned his key in the lock. The girl was getting more comfortable it seemed. He hoped Tifa would choose to stick around, even if she managed to make a plan and get back on her feet. In his mind, a fifteen year old was much too young to be on her own in a place like this—especially a pretty thing like her.

"Hey, ladies. Who's hungry?"

Both of them were on the floor of the tiny living room. Marlene was climbing on Tifa, testing the strength of her little legs while being steadied by the older girl. The baby immediately looked in Barret's direction, face splitting into a huge grin and voice cutting forth with a loud: "Paaaa!"

"C'mere my little angel!" Barret swept forward to scoop her up after setting his bag of food on the couch. "Papa's home!"

It was strange to call himself 'Papa', for he wasn't her real father. But Tifa had taken to referencing him as Marlene's father, and the baby was picking up on everything she said. Was it wrong to have the baby call him Papa? He was the closest thing in this world that she had to one, so Barret decided that he'd accept the title and try to give her the closest thing to a normal life that he could. He gave the baby a little squeeze, making her squeak with delight, as Tifa watched with a small smile.

"Take out noodles." Barret turned to look at her, motioning toward the plastic bag with his gun arm. "I know I didn't give ya anythin' to buy groceries with and the pantry's almost empty. I'll give ya some gil tomorrow."

Tifa nodded, watching the baby grabbing at his ear and face. "We went out and got her goat's milk today. That vendor we've been using is still at the market, but he says he'll be relocating in a few weeks."

"Gotta wean you soon, girlie." He tickled the baby and she laughed. "At 50 gil a bottle, your food is more expensive than ours combined!"

Tifa took the bag of take-out and placed it carefully on the kitchen table before setting plates and utensils. Barret smirked: the girl was getting more comfortable and he liked it. Before, her silence had made him want to shake her out of her sadness and despair. It was amazing what a little company, work, and food did for the skinny kid. Tifa was a pretty little thing, now that she didn't hide her face. Her hair had taken on a bit of a shine and the color had come back to her once ashen skin. The bags had disappeared from underneath her eyes and she stood straighter these days. Maybe, in time, he'd really see who Tifa was before she had faced whatever misfortune had landed her alone in the filth of the slums. She had been quite blessing to him these days. Although such things weren't part of her job description as Marlene's caretakers, she prepared food for him, cleaned the place spotless and even did the laundry. Barret began to feel a sense of order returning to his life and it was a huge relief.

He cradled Marlene in the crook of his arms. Tifa offered him her bottle before moving off to set the kitchen table with mismatched plate ware and cutlery. This was Barret's favorite part of the day: bonding with Dyne's little girl. Most days, he'd take her into the bedroom and feed her her final bottle of the night as she drifted off to sleep. The baby knew this routine well. She'd cling to his shirt and adjust herself in his arms so she could look at his face as she drank her milk. Marlene had her father's brown eyes and her mother's gentle little nose. There was something about the trust in her gaze that made Barret's chest constrict and his jaw tighten. Dyne and Eleanor would never see their little girl grow up. He had failed to protect them, yet here their daughter trusted him with her life, unaware of how he had failed her. Would his best friend be happy he was taking care of his daughter or would he have hated him for bringing his helpless baby to a place like this?

Marlene sighed with contentment, heavy eyelids sliding closed. He smiled and thought about how much Myrna would love to be here, holding this little one. He and his late wife had despaired over their inability to have a family. But after all that had happened, Barret was convinced that their infertility had saved him even more grief and possibly Marlene's life. If they'd had a family, would they have all perished in ShinRA's attack? Would he have found Marlene there among the flames if he had been busy evacuating his own children? As carefully as he could manage, he wrapped the baby up in a soft blanket and made her snug among the pile of bedding they shared.

"G'nite, Marlene," he whispered as he shut the door, leaving it open just a crack.

He hoped he knew what was best for that child in this new world of concrete and darkness. The slums of Midgar were an awful place to raise a baby. Did he have enough understanding of what she needed to raise a happy, well-adjusted little girl? Barret paused in the dark hallway, feeling suddenly unsure of himself. Tifa was waiting for him in the kitchen. She was just a kid; too young to be alone in the big city. He planned on taking care of her until she was old enough to secure a bright future for herself. His conscience didn't allow for any other options. Until she did, Barret knew he'd do his best to ensure her safety. But would he end up failing her, too?

He stepped into the kitchen and took a seat as Tifa unwrapped the food from its packaging. She quickly fixed a heaping plate for him and a sad little helping for herself before settling into the chair across from him. They ate in comfortable silence, peppered with little questions about each other's days. Tifa was finishing her last forkful of food when she noticed Barret grunt as he rested his gun-arm on the table. Their conversations were always about topics that surprisingly revealed very little about themselves: Marlene's antics and needs, how things were on the construction site, or how much they both missed the sky. In this handful of weeks that they had been together, Tifa had grown to trust him a little more each day. There was something about Barret that made her seek out his fatherly affection and crave to know more about his heart and his life before their worlds had come crashing together. But she struggled under shyness and the burden of formalities, knowing that asking deeper questions really wasn't her business. Mercifully, he hadn't asked her much of anything about her past and she was grateful. She yearned to trust him completely but she was so afraid to let anyone close enough to hurt her. Did he see her as more than Marlene's caretaker? Could they ever evolve from business partners to true friends? The softness on his face gave her the courage to ask him a personal question.

"Does it hurt?"

Barret looked her in the eye. For a moment she thought that he might be angry, but his features remained soft and her answered her quietly.

"Yeah. The doc said somethin' bout phantom limb pain happenin' for quite a while." He let out a short, humorless laugh. "Guess my body ain't quite figured out yet that its hand is gone."

"I think I may be able to help," she said, peeping up at him through her bangs. "Would that be ok?"

"Sure."

Barret watched as she moved to the sink and soaked a dish towel in steaming water from the tap. After wringing it out and folding it in half, she approached and gently wrapped it around his arm where flesh met steel. He closed his eyes at the feeling of muscle relaxing under heat. Tifa exhaled quietly as she pulled up her chair to sit beside him. Gentle yet firm, her small hands softly worked his aching flesh. Lithe fingers moved fluidly over the hot towel, slowly evaporating pain and tension. Barret didn't realize he had closed his eyes until he heard the girl hum softly with amusement.

"Any better?"

"Mmhm." He slumped in his chair as she continued her massage and watched her work. "Where'd ya learn t'do that?"

"I learned from a dear friend of mine." Tifa blinked back memories of Master Zangan tending her strained muscles dozens of times. Taking in a quiet, slow breath, she willed away the vivid recollection of his calloused hands soothing her physical and emotional aches. Looking for a distraction, her eyes focused on the shiny metal of his gun attachment. "Why did you get that, anyway? Wouldn't you rather have a prosthetic hand?"

Barret set his jaw and looked her right in the eye. "ShinRA did this to me. Thought I'd use how they disfigured me to strike right back at 'em!"

She noticed the carefully controlled rage boiling just under his skin and it made Tifa wonder if her assumptions about AVALANCHE were correct. Maybe if his life had been ruined by ShinRA, he could understand her pain. Tifa continued her massage as she spoke.

"My husband died working for ShinRA. They killed my grandparents in the war and did something terrible to my home town, I think. They've taken everything from me."

Barret gave her a sympathetic nod before speaking through grit teeth. "That monster's gotta be stopped. Trust me, Tifa. One day I'll bring'em to their knees and we'll all have a little justice."

Tifa paused in her ministrations for a moment, choosing to shyly look up into his eyes. It felt freeing to tell someone about Cloud's death and have them care. The only information Barret knew about Cloud was that he had died, and Tifa had never breathed a word about Aria to anyone. She prayed that he wouldn't press on the subject of her family, for she didn't feel like she possessed the strength to revisit their memory. Her quality of life these days relied upon her ability to push away the ghosts that howled every time she'd trace her fingers over a stretch mark or fiddle with the wedding band she kept around her neck. Tifa was grateful that Barret never pried about her life before she had come to stay with him.

Bothered by her silence, Barret shifted in his seat. Seeing such a young girl look so lifeless and apathetic made him angry. What if Marlene ended up that way?

"You've been such a little ghost since I've met ya. You there but you ain't at the same time. This is probably the most I've heard ya talk since y'came here."

She kept her eyes downward, toward her hands. Her knuckles were scarred from her years of training and her fingers and palms were calloused from endless scrubbing of dishes and glasses. Tifa felt like a failure. She had thrown away hopes of a normal life in Nibelheim when she'd become Zangan's apprentice, focusing instead of her dreams of protecting the ones she loved. Instead, every last person she had come to love had been snatched from her life as she stood by, helpless. Now, she was hiding away from the world in a tiny apartment of a kind stranger who needed a babysitter. The baby would grow up and eventually, Tifa would no longer be needed in their lives. What would she do then?

"Listen, missy. What happened to you was bad, but mopin' around about it ain't gonna help none." Barret searched for her eyes, but they were hidden behind her bangs as she bent her head forward. "You can choose to let it eat at ya-your sadness and grief. But you don't gain nothin' from it. You gotta step forward, however y'can. Understand?"

Ruby eyes widened. At first, she thought the man was being cold, but then she realized how correct he was. Mama died and Papa never moved forward from that grief, choosing to drown in it. Tifa had chosen a different path and pushed ahead in her life, holding onto fond memories and shaking away the gripping fingers of depression. But moving forward was much harder than standing still. Tifa was so tired and shaken from all that had happened and she wasn't sure she had the strength or courage to rise above her sadness and emptiness. How exhausting it had been to navigate each day, even when she had Claudia and Master Zangan and Cloud in her life to lift her up. Now, she was alone and desperately sad, living in fear of her bleak future.

Since Cloud died she had been stuck with her face in the past, fixated on a window where a string and jingle bell connected her to her only hope in this life. Now that string was severed and Tifa felt adrift, spiraling out of control into the blackness. Mercifully, she had found Barret's kindness to hold onto and found some small purpose in the way Marlene clung to her. How on earth was the man so strong?

"Barret?" His name came out sounding breathless, barely audible as she kneaded his aching muscles. "Are you helping AVALANCHE? Is that how you're moving on from the bad things that happened in your life?"

His silence put her on edge. Was he angry that she'd suggest such a thing? Was he upset that she found out about his plans? Would he threaten her to keep her quiet? To Tifa's surprise, he let out a chuckle.

"What made you think that?"

"I-I saw your notes on the table to other day. The ones on the yellow paper." She swallowed nervously and kept her eyes on her work. "When I went out to get Marlene's milk, there was talk in the market and headlines on the newspapers about a pipe bomb that went off in a mako pump on top of the plate. You came back so late last night and I just thought-I was just wondering..."

She didn't see the wicked grin form on his face. "Damn. I guess I shoulda been more careful, huh?"

Tifa held her breath. Was he really admitting to this so easily?

"AVALANCHE has been dormant since their top men were executed after getting caught while undercover in Junon. You're lookin' at the leader of the new AVALANCHE right here."

It was then that she found the courage to lift her head. Barret found inspiration to move forward by getting revenge on those who had hurt him. Could she find such fulfillment with that kind of a plan? Her anger towards ShinRA had been dormant for so long, sleeping underneath the heaviness of despair and destitution. The thought of lashing out was attractive after remaining submissive for so long. In her father's house, Tifa withstood her father's abuse and isolation with obedient silence until she had cracked that one rainy day. She had felt guilty, but it had felt so good, like justice had been served, like she had a shred of control over the circumstances of her life. Now, maybe she could choose to channel all of this hurt and rage into something productive as well.

Barret watched her closely, surprised that the girl didn't seem the least bit shocked or bothered by his confession. Instead, he saw some life return to her unusual eyes.

"Are you accepting new members?"

"Tifa-"

"I want to help AVALANCHE. Please...they hurt me like they hurt you! Maybe it can help me move forward, too."

"I can't let you do that."

"Why?"

He fixed her with a stern look, but to his surprise she held his gaze. How could he communicate to her that this was serious business? It was dangerous, and certainly not a suitable environment for a young girl like her. If she got caught, she could be killed. Barret couldn't justify putting her in this sort of extreme danger, even if she wanted revenge on ShinRA as much as he did.

"Because I don't want anything to happen to you. You're here to help me with Marlene, not to risk your neck. You're too young and I don't want your blood on my hands."

Tifa unwrapped the towel and withdrew her fingers from Barret's arm, faint smile forming when she heard the man sigh in contentment.

"Better?"

"Yeah. Thanks, girlie. You're a Godsend, y'know?"

She blushed under his praise and sat back in her seat. "I promise I won't say anything to anyone about AVALANCHE. But do you think, when I get older, I can join, too?"

"We'll see." Suddenly, he reached across the table. He grabbed the carton of noodles and dumped the rest of it in a heap onto her plate. "If you wanna be strong enough to fight ShinRA, you've gotta eat up, string bean!"