15 minutes later
Alarms from his suit pulled Darth Vader out of the pit of his own despair and self-hatred. Even in the highly oxygenated environment of his hyperbaric chamber, his body was too damaged to maintain appropriate blood gas levels when he was in the depths of a major emotional crisis. During battle or intense physical activity, he automatically used the Dark Side to keep his body stable. But he was not able to utilize the Dark Side the same way when he battled guilt and grief. It was an area of weakness that his master had long sought to eradicate.
His mind went back to that first decade after Padme's death. Every year, he would struggle with grief and despair on her Life Day and the anniversary of her death – and the latter coincided with Empire Day festivities. His master had punished him in a variety of ways, first with verbal chastisement and additional unpleasant duties. The last time Vader had succumbed to grief, Palpatine had summoned him and barraged him with Force Lightening in punishment for his 'defect' of still harboring feelings for his dead wife.
After that agonizing experience, Vader had learned to stoke the fires of the Dark Side to keep his emotional breakdowns at bay. He woke up on those days in the blackest of moods and sought reasons to become enraged. The method had worked, and he had not broken down over Padme in 14 years. Until today.
He forced himself to sit back and, with the greatest of efforts, calmed himself. He would do no good to himself, or his son, if he didn't stop this. The past was the past. He could not bring Padme back. But Luke still lived, and Vader needed to decide how best to protect his son.
With renewed determination, he found the place in the recording where he had previously broken down.
"And why did you do that? He is, as you said, a powerful man – and a rich one. Why would you deny the opportunity to take your place at his side?"
"Are you serious? The man is a brutal tyrant. As far as I can tell, he hates or despises almost everyone and everything. He is responsible for the death of millions – not just his enemies but his own subordinates. He kills his own men, often for minor infractions. Everyone is terrified of him, including me. I knew that the only thing to do was to get as far away from him as possible, so I did."
What to make of this? First, Luke said he was terrified of him. That was not surprising and, rationally, probably a good thing. While he knew his son to be stubborn, surely fear would help Luke realize that to oppose his father was foolish?
And yet, he was aware of a thread of sadness as well. Back when Padme had announced her pregnancy, Vader (then Anakin Skywalker) had never envisioned a relationship with his child built on fear.
He shook his head. That was long ago, the life of another, weaker man.
Why the comment about his own men? Of course he killed his own men. Fear of 'permanent' punishment was the best way to ensure that his men put forth their best effort.
(And yet, his son had apparently inspired devotion from his own men by friendship and loyalty. He knew that from interrogations of captured Rebels, plus analysis of Rogue Squadrons truly impressive achievements. Well, Luke had probably inherited Padme's charm. He himself had always been more arrogant than charming.)
"You said that Darth Vader hates everyone and everything. So do you think he hates you?"
"I don't think he hates me, no. I think he despises me. Hatred, to me, sounds like the sort of thing between equals. I'm certainly not his equal. As far as I can tell, I'm a 25 year old mistake and a disappointment, since the life I live is far from what he expects. In his eyes, I'm a regrettable disgrace. But I suppose at some level, he feels obligated to deal with me, at least to avoid further embarrassment."
Vader cringed at those words even as he paused the recording. Did Luke really believe that Vader despised him? How could he think that? He was so very proud of Luke! To have wasted away on that despised desert planet for 19 years and then have the courage and ability to strike a blow at the heart of the Empire by destroying the Death Star. Admittedly, that blow had resulted in punishment for Vader at Palpatine's hands, and had been a serious setback for the Empire. But his son had done the impossible. He still remembered his shock in discovering the name of the pilot who had destroyed the Planet Destroyer – shock that was quickly followed by pride. And how he had shielded his emotions to keep the Emperor from recognizing that pride!
And Bespin. While outclassed, his son had refused to give up in the lopsided fight against his unknown father. For all that Vader wished he had managed to capture his son in carbon freeze, he was nonetheless amazed and impressed at Luke's creativity and ability to adjust to rapidly changing circumstances. And when in the end Vader had disabled his son, Luke still had refused to surrender to what seemed the inevitable. Even when Vader had held out the promise of power and a position at his father's side, Luke had the resolution to refuse, to leap to his apparent death rather than give in. He was admittedly very frustrated by his son's determination, but he certainly didn't despise Luke's strength of purpose.
"Is that why you think he hasn't publicly claimed you as his son?"
"Claim me? Of course he wouldn't do that. He has a reputation to consider, doesn't he? He's the second most powerful man in the galaxy. He's not going to admit to having fathered a failure like me. I don't know who my mother was, but it seems obvious that her well being wasn't nearly as important to him as his own thirst for power and position in the Galactic Empire. And the Emperor – Vader answers to him, and I'm sure the Emperor wouldn't be pleased if his second-in-command was publicly tied with someone like…me."
It wasn't that at all! Vader had concealed their relationship to protect Luke! War hero or not, Luke might be in danger from the Rebel leadership if it was discovered that he was the progeny of one of the Rebellion's greatest enemies. It wouldn't be out of the question for Luke to be executed for his father's sins. Well, he really didn't think that would happen – his son was venerated by the Rebel masses. What was more likely was that, perhaps subconsciously, Rebel High Command would start assigning even more dangerous missions to his son in the hope that he would fail. This mission to rescue Prince Listoff had been incredibly dangerous. What were the Rebel leaders thinking to risk their most vital member to save an aging aristocrat?
But, if he were to be honest with himself, it was true that claiming Luke as his son would prove - awkward. Would his absolute authority over Imperial troops break down if it was widely known that he couldn't control his own son? In any case, Palpatine had forbidden announcing their biological relationship until Luke was safely turned to the Dark Side.
And he had just told those doctors and officers on Champala. He would need to silence them.
He kills his own men, often for minor infractions.
Vader sighed. Perhaps Dr. Kast deserved death for roughly handling his son, and Commander Binze too – for gross incompetence. But Lieutenant Commander Loftan? His aide?
He would just warn them to be silent. They would not betray him, for their own sakes if not his.
He started the recording running again.
"Do you hate your … father?"
"No. I hate what he does, I hate the choices he's made. But do I hate him? Of course not. I have always wanted to know my father, to be with him. I love him because he's my father. I always will love him.
"But I have to face the reality that there won't be any happy ending for me. I refuse to work with a tyrant, and he isn't likely to pay attention to the pathetic longings of a rebellious son."
The first time he had watched this section of the recording, his brain had apparently been in overload because he didn't remember this at all.
"I love him because he's my father. I always will love him"
Luke loved him? Loved the man whose decisions had effectively left Luke an orphan? Whose orders concerning the Death Star plans had resulted in the deaths of Owen and Beru Lars, the only family Luke had ever known? Who had tortured his best friends and cut off his hand? Who had hunted Luke across the galaxy so that few spaceports were safe and every bounty hunter knew his name?
Loved him?
This time, he actually felt moisture gather in his eyes, in spite of the damage to his tear ducts.
His son loved him.
He forced himself to sit back and take a deep breath.
The question was what to do about it.
He could attempt to exploit his son's love, even as he had attempted to use their relationship at Bespin to turn his son to the Dark Side.
His mind went back to something else Luke had said in his interview with Doctor Kast.
"I don't know who my mother was, but it seems obvious that her well being wasn't nearly as important to him as his own thirst for power and position in the Galactic Empire."
Again, he wanted to curse Kenobi. Kenobi knew that Vader had loved Luke's mother. By telling their son nothing, Luke was under the mistaken impression that Vader's desire for personal gain and dominion had fueled his turn to the Dark Side. But it had all been for Padme. Palpatine had promised him that the Dark Side was the key to saving her…
And in reality, Anakin Skywalker's turn to the Dark Side had killed her. He realized that now.
He clenched his fists. How he hated his master. Hated him for pretending to be his friend long ago, when he was a padawan. Hated him for manipulating him into pledging his allegiance to Palpatine. Yes, the Dark Side gave him great power, but he was still a slave, and to a brutal and manipulative master. He had not made the decision to turn with a clear understanding of the ramifications. He believed that he would be able to save Padme and the child, and together they would rule.
Instead, he sat in his meditation chamber alone, a physically broken man, dependent on life support machines to take every breath when he was outside of this place. Separated from his only child.
He sighed deeply. The problems seemed insurmountable. If he captured Luke, he would be forced to take him to the Emperor. If Luke refused to turn, Palpatine would kill him. If Luke did turn, Palpatine would train Skywalker personally to ensure that Luke's loyalty was divided between his father and his master.
He gazed at the recording again, now frozen to show Luke staring straight at the device. He felt a sudden pang in his chest. How could he even consider turning his boy over to that autocrat? He knew the Emperor well enough to know that his master would delight in stamping out all that was vibrant and pure in Luke. Luke would become a shadow of who he was.
Even as he himself was only a shadow of Anakin Skywalker.
If only he could kill Palpatine. He had wanted to kill that wrinkled despot for a clear decade now. But he couldn't. Not alone. He couldn't kill the Emperor without Luke, and the Emperor would ensure that Luke would not join with his father against him.
It was a pity, really, that the Rebellion wasn't stronger. If it became a true powerhouse, if major Imperial strongholds were under attack, if the Emperor's focus was divided…
His thoughts ran ahead, then stopped in shock, then circled around again.
"I don't know who my mother was, but it seems obvious that her well being wasn't nearly as important to him as his own thirst for power and position in the Galactic Empire."
All along, he had been thinking in terms of Luke and the Galactic Throne. He wanted to be Emperor. He wanted the power that he felt had long been denied him.
But back when he had dreamt of Padme's death in childbirth, he would have gladly traded in all the power in the galaxy to save her. He was ambitious in those days, yes, but Padme came first.
What had changed? Why was his first priority on his own personal power? Why not Luke? Was he willing to make major sacrifices to save his son? To kill the Monster that was his master? To trust that once Palpatine was gone, he could pick up the pieces of the Empire and mold them to his will?
It was a ridiculous thought. If the Empire was weakened by a successful Rebel onslaught, Vader might never be able to pull the pieces back together and fulfill his desire to rule.
But Luke would be safe from Palpatine.
He would ponder this more. He wasn't making any decisions yet. But he would at least think about it.
A smile curled his mouth, and the smile was far more Anakin Skywalker than Darth Vader.
Author note: Many many thanks to those of you reading and reviewing this fanfic! I appreciate the kind comments. I had the plot mapped out through Chapter 5 and now I'm not sure entirely where I will go with it, so likely the insane 1 chapter a day thing will cease :-). But I promise to keep plugging away at it. Again, thanks!