Disclaimer: I do not own Blindspot. More like it's the other way around… I've come to realize that THEY own ME. :)
"You ready to go?" Kurt murmured into her ear not too much later. The party was breaking up, and people around them were saying their goodbyes, calling thanks to Patterson for putting together such a wonderful evening. A nervous smile spread across Jane's face at the question – she'd been fighting with herself not to think about what exactly would happen at the end of the party, because going back home to her empty safe house now felt very anticlimactic. She lived there, of course, so going back eventually was inevitable… but she was not looking forward to it. The longer she could put off thinking about it, the better, she had decided.
Except that she couldn't do that anymore, because the party was over, and they had to go somewhere…
She leaned back once again, looking into his eyes and suddenly feeling the same sense of calm wash over her as she had earlier. It would be alright, somehow she knew. Of course, she could be wrong – she certainly had been enough times in the past. But as she heard the hum of conversation around her and the buzz of the rapidly ending holiday party where she sat among her coworkers, she couldn't help but remind herself that the only reason that she was here was because she'd decided to take a chance. Even though she'd almost left, she'd taken a risk and stayed when he asked her to stay, and she didn't regret it. This night felt almost… enchanted, and she chose to believe that it wasn't going to all just disappear.
It was true that taking chances hadn't always led her in the right direction, and she had suffered heavily for some of the choices she'd made. But then again, when all was said and done, she'd survived… and there was something to be said for that. She had survived things that would have broken other people many times over, and yes, she was in rough shape, but she was still standing. Well, sitting, at that exact moment, but she was in one piece – chipped and scratched, but in one piece.
Smiling up at him, she nodded in response. "Yep," she replied simply, staring into his eyes for a few extra seconds before she could convince her eyes to break contact and her body to move.
They managed to stand up, remaining close together but for the moment not touching, unsure of exactly how to be this close together and what the right way to act even was. It was hard to know the rules their behavior should follow when they didn't even know what was going on between them. It took only a few seconds to locate Patterson across the room, now saying goodbye to people, exchanging hugs and wishing them "Merry Christmas."
It was only then that Jane realized that the beginning of Christmas Eve was only a few hours away. She, of course, had no plans for Christmas, and the realization of the now immediately impending holiday, the arrival of which she had successfully ignored, was suddenly staring her in the face.
"When Patterson comes up for air, we can go and say good night," he said, leaning closer than necessary to speak into her ear, and hovering there, only inches from her ear even after he'd spoken. As he did, she felt chills run down her back just from his proximity, and all she could do at that moment was to nod her agreement.
Then, as if he had read her previous thought, he moved on to a new topic. "So, what are you up to this weekend?" he asked, leaning even closer, so that his chest was pressed ever so slightly against the back of her shoulder when he spoke into her ear, and then remaining there, leaning forward just a little bit against her. Besides the obvious fact that she liked the contact with him, she was also glad that he wasn't standing in front of her, so that he couldn't see her face head on, because she was sure that her expression would betray the stress that this new topic had instantly caused her.
Shrugging her shoulders as if it was no big deal, as if it were any other regular weekend when she didn't have plans, she turned her head slightly towards him to reply. Her cheek brushed his just a tiny bit as she murmured, "Nothing." She tried to keep the hint of sadness out of her voice, but she knew that she'd failed.
It was just one more time that he felt guilty for how the team had been treating her. No one had thought to involve her in their plans, so she didn't have any. Once again, he couldn't do anything about the past, but he could do his best to fix things right now.
"So then… what you're saying is, you're free this weekend? Because I think you should hang out with me. Oh, and I guess Sarah and Sawyer are going to be around, too… That whole Christmas thing…"
Of all the ways she'd pictured spending Christmas weekend this year, all of them alone, hanging out with Kurt was obviously infinitely better than any of the ones she'd imagined. She'd decided in the last few days that her best option was just to try to sleep through the day, or, if that failed, go for a run on an out of the way trail where she was less likely to run into anyone. After all, her solitude was almost bearable when she didn't have to watch other people busy celebrating. Of course, it was impossible that she was the only one in the world who'd be alone on Christmas, but that hadn't stopped her from feeling like she'd be the only one. No, it was easier to forget that she had no one in her life to celebrate with if she didn't have to watch others celebrating happily together.
But apparently that was no longer happening, and that was already the best Christmas present of all.
She felt the glow of happiness and a smile on her face a mile wide as she turned her head to reply over her shoulder, remarkably calmly, "You think so?" She felt him chuckle against her back as he shook his head at her.
"Let me guess, you're waiting until I offer to find a stairwell for us to sit in before you say yes?" he asked teasingly.
Now it was her turn to laugh, as her eyes followed Patterson, across the room from them and still saying good night to their coworkers. "Maybe I am," she replied thoughtfully. "That's an idea." Even though she wasn't looking at him, since their cheeks were touching gently she felt the slightest movements, and just then she felt the muscles in his face shifting as he smiled. It was the most remarkable sensation, one that threatened to take her breath away.
He was having trouble keeping his arms at his sides, having the urge to put them around her, since she was standing right in front of him. For the moment, however, somehow he resisted. "So… does this mean you want to think about it?" he asked her, the tone of his voice in her ear telling her that he was raising his eyebrows in amusement, though she couldn't see them.
"Are you kidding? I don't want to think about anything else," she told him with a grin, knowing that this was not at all what he'd meant.
"So… is that a yes?" he asked, still trying to pry the answer he wanted out of her, just because he wanted to hear her say it.
"I'm sorry, what was the question?" she asked, feigning ignorance and turning around to face him with an innocent look on her face.
His eyes widened in pretend frustration and he stepped closer to her, missing the proximity they'd had when he'd been right behind her. "The question," he said in a low voice, "was whether you wanted to spend Christmas with me."
It suddenly occurred to her then that he might be asking just because he felt sorry for her, and as much as she liked the idea of spending time with him, it wasn't a nice feeling to think that he was asking her only out of obligation. "You don't have to do that, you know," she whispered, looking down suddenly. She didn't want him to offer something like that out of pity. After all, she'd be fine on her own if need be. Hadn't she made it this far?
"Of course not," he replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I know I don't have to." He paused, and her curiosity got the best of her as she looked back up at him very slowly. "And you certainly don't have to come. But I'd like it if you did…" She was watching him carefully, as if she was trying to figure something out, and he realized that his behavior had undergone a dramatic shift over the course of this one day. It wasn't just today, though, he knew as he thought back to recent weeks. Yes, they'd slowly been getting along better, trusting each other again only very slowly. He'd had his good days and his bad days, and he knew that he'd taken some of it out on her, which hadn't been fair. He'd been doing his best… but his best had kind of sucked, if he was being honest with himself.
Nodding in understanding, he sighed. "I know that I haven't… that this seems just out of the blue. But I don't want you to think that I'm asking because I feel like I have to, or I feel bad for you." She just continued to watch him, curious what he would say next. "I just… I don't know how to explain it." He sighed heavily, his head dropping down and his hand going to the back of his neck before he looked back up at her. "I'm an asshole, Jane. I don't know how I made myself forget everything we… I just couldn't… I was so…" He was at a loss for words, and suddenly wondered why she had humored him as much as she had.
He looked increasingly frustrated, and as confused as she was by the sudden shift in his behavior towards her, she couldn't help by take pity on him. After all, despite everything, they did still have a connection. She'd doubted it for a long time, but after today… she felt it again. And hadn't he been nothing but completely sweet and honest with her all evening? Not that one evening was all it took for her to trust him again, and it shouldn't be.
But it's a starting point, the voice in her head pointed out.
"I think," she said slowly, smiling at him and taking one of his hands gently in hers, holding it loosely between them, "it's going to be okay. At least… I hope so..." She watched as relief flooded his face, and she basked in the glow of being able to take away his anguish this time. It had been a long since she'd had that opportunity. On the contrary, it felt like it had been a very long time since she'd done anything but cause him distress of one kind or another. "And to answer your question," she said, seeing hope flash across his face, "I would like that, too."
And there it was, that smile again, the one that no one else ever managed to get from him, the one that made his whole face light up.
There was a flash of blonde beside them then, and Patterson appeared, her face flush with happiness. "Hey, you guys," she greeted them. "I can't believe the party's over and we didn't get to hang out… but it looks like you did…" She looked down at their hands, clasped together, and before Jane had a chance to decide whether or not to hold on, she felt Kurt's hand squeeze hers. She and Kurt both looked slightly embarrassed, which made Patterson smile even harder.
"Hey Patterson, you were right," Kurt told her, "We all needed this party." She beamed back at him, delighted beyond any hopes that she might have had about the way things had turned out. Dr. White had been right, she did feel better – and obviously, they did, too.
"Do you need help cleaning up?" Jane asked. She hated the thought that Patterson would have to clean it all up by herself.
"Not tonight," she told them. "A few people are going to come back and help me with it tomorrow."
"What time?" Jane asked, with every intention of joining them to help.
"Count us in," Kurt added, and Jane glanced at him, smiling warmly.
Us.
Had she really tried to walk out of this party, tried to slip away from these people, only a few hours ago? Because at that moment, she could no longer remember why she would ever have wanted to miss this.
"Uh, around nine, maybe? But you guys don't have to…" Patterson protested.
"Well, I need to confirm the plans for the next few days with my sister, but if it's possible, we'll be here," Kurt told her.
Patterson smiled back at him, shooting Jane a quick look that told her than the use of the pronoun we hadn't gone unnoticed.
"Oh, is Sarah in town?" Patterson asked Kurt. Jane was confused when Kurt shook his head – hadn't he just mentioned spending time with her and with Sawyer on Christmas?
"No, she's out in Pennsylvania, at my dad's old place," Kurt said, "But I should be seeing her tomorrow night." Patterson nodded, smiling at them both again.
"Thank you both so much for coming, and for all of your help," Patterson told them sincerely as she stepped forward first to hug Weller, and then Jane. "If you're busy tomorrow, it's no big deal, I swear."
"I'll let you know," Kurt nodded at her, smiling as she turned to talk to other guests who had approached her. As Jane and Kurt turned, but before they had taken a single step, Zapata was there in front of them, with Reade close behind her.
"Hey, guys," Zapata said knowingly, grinning at them. She was moving a little more slowly than she had been earlier, and she wasn't speaking as loudly, but she had the same expression on her face – the one that said that there were a million things that she wanted to say, but she was biting her tongue. Kurt wondered if her buzz was wearing off, and if she'd had enough to drink that she'd be hurting in the morning. Or who knew, it was still early… maybe she was just getting started
"You taking off?" Zapata asked with a gleam in her eye.
"Yeah, it's that time," Jane said with a shrug. "Did you guys have fun?" The expression on Zapata's face said something along the lines of We had fun watching you, but she just smiled innocently and nodded.
"Yeah, it was great," Zapata replied, glancing behind her at Reade, who nodded in agreement. "You guys want to go get a drink or something?" she asked the three of them.
Reade's eyebrows shot up and he looked at her in surprise. "I'm not sure you need any more to drink, as amusing as you've been this evening," he told her.
Zapata turned and looked at him again, smiling devilishly and nodding her head. "You may or may not be right about that," she told him, winking dramatically. Reade just rolled his eyes.
Jane suddenly yawned then, unexpectedly, covering her mouth in embarrassment and making the others laugh. "Sorry," she said when she finished. "It's been a long…" She struggled for the proper increment of time to use – day, week, month, year… all of them would have worked. And while she'd been sleeping better recently than she had a few months ago, and she wasn't having as many nightmares, she still couldn't say that she ever slept well. Really, since she'd been Jane she'd never slept well. The others just nodded, despite the fact that she left her sentence unfinished.
"Merry Christmas, you guys, have a good one," Kurt said to Reade and Zapata. The others echoed Kurt's sentiment, and hugs and handshakes were exchanged, between the four of them. "Come on, time to go," Kurt said to Jane, just barely putting his hand on her lower back to steer her towards the elevator – without thinking about what he was doing for a millisecond. It wasn't as if he'd never done it before… even if it had been a long time. Zapata and Reade had stood and watched the other two start toward the elevator, Zapata somehow stopping her mouth from hanging open, but just barely. Reade elbowed her in the side to get her attention, and they began looking around the room for Patterson, who was no longer nearby.
"Can you believe…?" Zapata's unfinished sentence hung in the air.
"You're gonna tell me you're surprised?" Reade asked her in surprise.
"Well, yeah. I mean, if this had happened a long time ago, no, I wouldn't have been surprised. But now…? After I thought they would literally never speak to each other again? Yes, I'm surprised."
"I don't think it was ever about if," Reade said thoughtfully. "It was only a case of when."
"Maybe," Zapata replied, her brow creasing as she thought about this idea that Weller and Jane were always going to happen. Did it even work that way for anyone?
"Come on, there's Patterson," Reade said, pointing to where he'd spotted the blonde, now at the far end of the room once again.
Thankfully, the wait for the elevator wasn't long, and Jane and Kurt stepped inside tiredly, the doors closing before anyone else could join them. Most of the crowd had already gone, and they were among the last to leave. It had been another long day in the never ending string of long days. After pushing the button that would take them to the locker room, he stepped back and leaned against the back wall, where she had already stationed herself.
As soon as he was beside her, she leaned her head gently against his shoulder once again, like she had done in the stairwell. This was trickier now that, thanks to the sparkly heels that were now hurting her feet quite a bit, she was almost the same height as him. However, she slouched slightly and leaned back against the wall to make up for her newfound height, so it worked. Sighing softly and closing her eyes, she couldn't help thinking that this was once again perfect.
The difference was that this time, glancing down at her with a smile, he reached over and loosely took her hand – or her finger, really, since he simply hooked his middle finger around hers, so only the backs of their other fingers were touching. There was something so simple, and yet so perfect about that moment, even though it only lasted a few seconds before the elevator dinged loudly and, to their ears, rudely, alerting them that they had reached their destination.
Stepping off the elevator reluctantly, Kurt somehow managed to brush his thumb against every one of her fingers as he let go of the one that he had been holding for the past minute. She hadn't been looking down, so she didn't know how he had done it, only that she felt herself shiver because of it, and that there was a smile on her face without her even realizing it was there. They continued into the locker room just as three other, younger agents were leaving, wishing each other Merry Christmas as they passed. Judging from the lack of noise in the locker room, they were probably the only ones there for the moment, which was just the way Jane liked it.
They each went to their respective lockers, Jane pulling out a small bag and closing hers again immediately, making a point to take the path that took her past Kurt's locker on the way to the changing area by the showers. "I'm just going to change," she said, starting to walk by him.
"Are you sure?" he asked, making her stop in her tracks and turn around to smile at him, slightly confused. "That dress looks beautiful on you." There was no trace of anything but the utmost sincerity in his voice or his face, and she could feel herself blushing.
"Thanks," she said, allowing herself to accept the compliment this time. "But I'm ready for something more comfortable. These shoes are killing me, and I can't quite do this dress with sneakers… Besides, it's getting really cold out there. It would be even colder in a dress." Then, thinking for a few seconds, she added, "I heard we're supposed to get a storm this weekend. Maybe even some snow." Her eyes shone with childlike excitement at the prospect of snow, and he couldn't help but smile back at her.
"That reminds me," he said off-handedly, "when you come back, I need to fill you in a little about this weekend." He raised his eyebrows devilishly, which made her wonder what in the world he was talking about.
Narrowing her eyes at him playfully and looking as curious as she felt, she simply nodded. "Okay," she said unsurely as she turned and walked down the aisle toward the changing rooms.
Kurt remembered before Jane did, and without a word, he got up and followed her, quietly enough that she hadn't even heard him behind her. She went inside a similar – though thankfully not the same – curtained stall as she had been in earlier, when she'd been so upset, and put down the bag of her things. She was then ready to take off her dress, which was when she realized that, of course, she couldn't reach the top of the zipper. That had been the whole problem in the first place, after all.
"Dammit," he heard her mutter from behind the curtain as he leaned his back against the end of the row of lockers just outside her changing room, casually, arms crossed and a slight grin on his face for realizing before she had that she would need help. He couldn't help but smile when she pushed the curtain open a second later and looked up in surprise, not having expected to see him there, before she rolled her eyes in mock annoyance and smiled despite herself.
Damn. Why does he have to be so good at this? she wondered. It was… Well, she could say that it was annoying, but it wasn't. It was really damn cute, that's what it was.
"Forget something?" he asked her curiously, as if he had no idea… except that the smirk on his face gave him away.
She suddenly heard herself asking him that same question, on one of the very first days she'd known him… had it been the first time he'd taken her out in the field? She was pretty sure that it had been. He'd made her sit in the car, parked by the curb in Chinatown, only to return a few minutes later because he needed her to translate Chinese to English for the man upstairs who he was attempting to question about Chao. He'd opened the car door and it had been her asking him if he'd forgotten something.
Her eyes locked on his for an extra second, as she wondered if he was remembering that day, too, before she glanced at the floor for just a second and then bit her lip, finally whispering, "Would you please, uh…?" She waved one hand over her shoulder in the direction of her back, but stood facing him, so she saw him when he pushed himself up off the end of the row of lockers, walking slowly towards her without taking his eyes off of her and smiling the whole time, as if he was enjoying himself immensely.
She was just about to turn around – I swear, I was, she told herself – when he said, "Since you asked so nicely." He hadn't taken his eyes off of her in the whole time since she'd opened the curtain, and she was feeling herself blushing a deeper and deeper pink, and feeling warmer and warmer despite the chill in the air. Of course, that was her line from that same day, which told her that he was indeed remembering it as well. Just the idea that their minds immediately went to the same thing made her unable to keep from smiling.
Since she was so focused on looking into his eyes, something that he certainly didn't want to discourage, he walked up to her and didn't stop until he was only inches away, slowing dramatically just before he reached her and stopping to look into her green eyes for a few seconds before doing anything else. She still didn't show any sign of intending to turn around, though he didn't think it appeared to be because she was choosing not to. No, maybe she just felt as lost in his eyes and he did in hers.
Therefore, having no desire to break eye contact with her, he reached his hands up and, first, rested them on her shoulders for a second, which seemed to wake her up enough to realize that she had been at least intending to turn around. However, before she could try to do so, he reached over her shoulders to her back, gripping her zipper easily with two fingers on one hand, while holding the dress flat with his other hand, which he accomplished by laying his hand nearly flat on her back – only the thin black material between his skin and hers. His hands hesitated just like that for more than a few seconds, perfectly still.
At that moment he had the urge to pull her closer to him and never let go – and while maybe there would be a time for something like that, this sadly wasn't it. Therefore, he finally did what he was there to do, tugging the zipper down several inches, farther than she had had him zip it up in the first place, in order to be sure that she could reach it. The tips of his fingers hesitated again, not moving this time, simply resting against her, some on fabric and a few on skin, so lightly that it was almost imperceptible to both of them. Almost.
He'd been watching his fingers, peering over her shoulder, as she had attempted to continue watching his face, though from a slightly askew angle as he moved closer, but now he leaned his head back so that they were once again staring into each other's eyes, and then, only slowly, he moved his hands back to her shoulders.
"Thanks," she whispered, so quietly she wasn't sure that he could hear her, even though his face was only inches from hers. He smiled at her, the smile that lit up his face completely, and slowly let his hands drop from her shoulders, back down to his sides.
"You should be able to reach it now…" he told her quietly, a hint of a question in his tone. She obliged him and the fact that he obviously wanted to be sure, and she wiggled slightly as she awkwardly slid one arm behind her to attempt to find her zipper, catching herself thinking that it would have been so much easier if he'd just unzipped it all the way… The thought made her blush a deep pink, and she looked down, pretending to just be focusing on finding the zipper, which she did a few seconds later.
"Yep, got it," she confirmed, looking back up at him. And then, before she closed the curtain, she held her eyes locked on him again for several long seconds, before saying, once again, "Thanks," only a little bit louder this time. He just winked at her, a slightly devilish smile playing across his features, and she shook her head as she closed the curtain.
Am I absolutely sure that today isn't a dream? she wondered as she slowly pulled her zipper down and then carefully stepped out of her dress. She changed as quickly as she could, since the air was very chilly on her bare skin, and soon she was back in one of the most commonly worn, basic outfits – jeans and a long sleeved black shirt. She carefully folded her dress into a small enough bundle that it could fit into her bag, gathered up her things and walked back out, once again taking the route that took her past Kurt's locker.
He was no longer at his locker, she noticed, but when she rounded the corner she saw him sitting on the bench by her locker. He looked up as she approached, and she found that she couldn't help but smile. She'd been having that problem quite a lot around him this evening.
Somehow in the short time since he'd unzipped her dress, he'd changed his clothes as well, into his more casual, everyday work outfit. He looked much more comfortable now, leaning forward, his elbows propped up on his knees.
"You got changed fast," she observed, opening her locker against to retrieve her leather jacket and a few other items.
"No zippers on my back to fight with," he said with a grin, sitting up slowly to watch her.
"Haha," she replied good-naturedly. As she'd walked back slowly to her locker, she'd thought that she would have felt awkward after what had just happened a few minutes before – the whole zipper incident number two – but she found that instead, she felt more comfortable with him, not less – which was pretty much the opposite of awkward.
As she closed her locker and turned around to look at him, she remembered that he'd said something about talking about the plans for the weekend. She'd been slightly confused when he'd told Patterson that Sarah and Sawyer were at his dad's house in Pennsylvania, after telling her that he – they – would be spending Christmas with them, but she figured that that just meant that Sarah and Sawyer would be driving out to New York in the next day or so. She hadn't thought much of it at all.
"So what did you want to tell me about this weekend?" she asked curiously, standing in front of him.
He stood up, stepping closer to her, and she felt her pulse quicken just a little bit. "Let's talk in the car," he said. Since they were both ready to go, it seemed like a better idea to have the conversation they were about to have away from any potential prying ears… Not that he expected a scene, but just because he kept his personal life closely guarded… as much as he could anyway.
"Okay," she agreed, though… she didn't really know where they were actually going. Was he dropping her off at her safe house? She did live there, after all, so it wasn't a wildly unexpected thing for him to do. Still, once again she dreaded even having to think of this day coming to an end, much less of it actually happening, not after it had taken a turn for the best. But she decided not to worry about that until it was necessary. After all, she was with Kurt.