"Dr. Isley," Karen began, still feeling a bit shell-shocked. "I've read your reports on your work creating humanoid plant specimen…but I was under the impression they had a radically shortened lifespan and limited mental functioning. However, I've observed nothing atypical about Anthony's presentation…"

"Hey!" Anthony piped up. "Do you think you could refrain from discussing me like I belong in a petri dish? I'm not a humanoid plant specimen, I'm a plant-human hybrid, and I don't present as atypical because I'm not—aside from an increased metabolism and various other minor physiological abnormalities."

"Yeah, like this one!" Jo grinned as she karate chopped him in the neck.

Anthony sputtered for air, and in his fight, lost control of his pigment, turning his natural shade of pale mint green.

Karen was watching the scene with a look of horror on her face, and Pam directed a plant to slither out of its pot behind them and smack Jo in the back of the head.

"Ouch!" Jo exclaimed, "What the hell was that for?"

Ignoring her, Harley moved on, bringing focus back to Karen's question. "Anthony is mine and Pamela's biological child, same with Jo. There's nothing to be freaked out about, really…see?" she nodded over at her son, who had returned to a more typical skin tone.

"But—OK, I hate to point out the obvious here," Karen rocked back in her chair. "But…you're both women." Then she narrowed her eyes, realizing maybe that was too simple a categorization. "You are both women, right?"

Pam sighed, "like many flowering plants, my plant DNA is unisex. Harleen provided the X chromosome, I provided the Y. Although it's not quite as simple as that, it's as thorough an explanation as is required for these circumstances."

"You're a flowering plant?" Was Karen's next question.

Ivy rolled her eyes and ran a hand through her hair, causing a crown of white daisies to spring up in its wake. Silently, she plucked one off and handed it to Karen. "I suppose I could attempt to pull a rabbit out of a hat next, if you'd like."

"No, I—I think I'm good," Karen mumbled as she stared down at the flower in her hands, absently twirling its stem between her fingers. "Why are you married to your psychiatrist?"

"Because I asked and she said yes," Pam answered like it was obvious. "That's typically how these things work."

"So…you said you had a speech?" Anthony prompted, getting the conversation back on track before they descended too far down that rabbit hole.

"What?" Karen yanked herself back to the present moment.

"A speech," Anthony repeated. "You said you had one."

"Oh, right, yes…" Karen cleared her throat. Here goes nothing? "I was going to say that I'm sorry." she nodded, decidedly. "I'm sorry that I didn't take you seriously, but more importantly, I'm sorry that I didn't give myself a chance to take you seriously." She set the flower down. "I definitely wasn't planning on telling you this in front of your parents, and definitely not in front of Poison Ivy—but it seems it's all a package deal now, so…Look," she adjusted her sitting position. "I met my husband my Sophomore year of High School, and…that was supposed to be it, you know? I loved him from the first moment our eyes met and maybe there's a part of me that still loves him now—but the point is I gave that relationship—I gave him everything I had and everything I am and I ended up alone because—at the end of the day—Mal had a difficult time dealing with my ambition. I was too busy or too distracted or too—I don't know, too similar to him, maybe…or too different, who knows? So that's…that's the lesson I learned from love. If you work too hard on yourself, or work too hard for yourself, there will be no room for anyone else."

Anthony started to try and rescue her, but she cut him off.

"—But then I met you, Anthony, and you were so…supportive…so patient, and I thought 'this is the kind of husband an ambitious woman deserves', but I didn't think I could be that woman because happiness, or complete fulfillment didn't apply to me—or at least I thought it didn't because I was afraid and hurt. I still am, actually. It's sort of ridiculous, really, when you think about it…I go into battle every day—powerless, aside from my suit—I fight aliens and mass murderers and psychopaths, but the shit that keeps me up at night is the reality that I might get my heart broken again." Karen took a shaky breath. "So, I—I know you can't promise me you won't, just like I can't promise you I won't break yours or that everything will work out—but I think—I think maybe I want to try. Or…you know, I did…before…you know," she gestured to his family.

Harley was crying at this point, Pam was looking mildly impressed and Jo's grin stretched from ear to ear.

"Well…" Anthony began, lightly clearing his throat as he got up from the other side of the table to circle around to her. "Firstly, let me just apologize for my appearance. I feel a bit silly dressed like this given the subject matter of this conversation…"

"Umm…apology accepted." Karen offered, her heart thrumming in her ears (for no apparent reason).

Anthony smiled. "As for the rest of it…how about you come to dinner—since you're already here—meet my extended family, and then decide whether or not my plant DNA disqualifies me. Fair?" He held out his hand to help her up.

/

"Anthony!" Carrie exclaimed, flying into his arms as soon as she flung the front door open.

"God…" Anthony laughed, twirling her around. "You're still so short!"

"Yeah, I'm 22, Asshat." She reminded him once her feet were back on the ground. "Not exactly holding out for a late growth spurt."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "What's with the nose ring?"

"I'm expressing myself! What's it to ya?" Carrie moved on, "Jo-blow," she grinned.

"Care Bear," Jo acknowledged with a nod.

"Dr. Q, The Missus," Carrie happily greeted Harley and Pam. "And…" she cocked her head at Karen. "One'a these kids is doing its own thing."

"Sorry," Anthony stepped in. "Carrie, this is Karen. Carrie is my—,"

"Cousin?" Karen guessed.

"No, my lesbian Bizarro." Anthony informed.

"I'm not—I'm not a lesbian," Carrie assured Karen as Anthony walked past her into the house…until she got a critical look from Pam and quickly corrected: "I mean, I wish! I wish I was a lesbian!"

Jo laughed, pulling Karen inside with her, Harley following with a smile. Pam was last, and she leaned in as she passed her, whispering, "I'd prefer not to be defined by my relationship, Caroline. How about we try 'Pamela'?"

Carrie swallowed. "Y—yes, Ma'am."

Smirking, Pam patted her fondly on the head before continuing into the first room, navigating the tedious floor lay-out in hopes of eventually arriving at the kitchen. When she did, Selina was leaning over the oven, wearing an apron with what appeared to be Catwoman's body printed on it.

"Jesus, took you long enough," Selina said when she noticed her. "Thought you guys were gonna flake for a second."

"Yes, well…we had an unexpected visitor." Pam told her.

"If Jo's pregnant…"

Pam scoffed, coming to sit down at the long kitchen island. "Fortunately, her body treats foreign substances—such as sperm—as an invader, and combats it much like the typical human immune system would handle bacteria."

That took a moment to sink in. "So…just to recap…" Selina began, "your kid is pissed at you because she feels like you've kept her from living a normal life…and now you're telling me she can't have kids either? When are you gonna drop that bomb on her?"

"Oh, no, she can have children," Pam assured. "Just not by traditional means. She'll need a fertilized embryo to be implanted by someone familiar with her unique physiology."

Selina raised an eyebrow. "In other words: you?"

"Yes, correct." Pam nodded. "If there were a science award for best parent, I think I'd be the clear front-runner."

"That's—you're psychotic," Selina realized.

"Mmm…that's a three-syllable word for any thought too big for little minds," Pam smiled. "Now, how inedible is your turkey?"

"What do you care? You don't eat meat." Selina reminded her.

Pam waited, her brow arched expectantly, watching Selina's concentration.

Eventually, the brunette sighed, defeated. "I know there's a gay joke in there somewhere. Just…imagine I made one, OK?"

"Fine," Pam granted. "I'm offended. Now, are we ready to eat? I brought mashed potatoes and carrots and Karen brought…cheese."

Selina rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Pam? Her name is Carrie. She's your son's best friend."

"No, Karen is my son's girlfriend and the unexpected visitor that delayed our arrival." Pam informed her. "Now get that shit out of the oven. Perhaps my daughter will choke on it and we'll all be better for it."

Now it was Selina's turn to wait, and the apology erupted out of Pam within five seconds: "I didn't mean that! I love Jolene with all my heart and I don't know what I'd do if—,"

"—Please leave this kitchen before you get your sap all over me." Selina pointed to the door. "Ooh! There's definitely a gay joke there…hold on…"

"Harley will appreciate the pun, at least." Pam offered.

/

"So that's…Batman." Jo heard Karen whisper to Anthony.

"The former Batman," Anthony corrected. "That ray of sunshine over there—his son…" he nodded at Damian. "Is the current Batman. Jo is Batgirl, they call Carrie 'Oracle', she's the eye in the sky, basically has access to every camera in the city…that's my Godmother, Barbara," he nodded over at Babs, "former Batgirl and Batwoman, current Gotham City Chief of Police…and that's her husband, Dick," Karen's eyes followed his nod. "Former Robin and Nightwing, now retired. And—uh—he scanned the table to see if he was missing anyone. "That's Poison Ivy, but you already knew that…umm…Mom is the retired Batwoman, now she works as the team psychiatrist. I'm sure you can understand the need for one of those in this line of work…"

"And who's that?" Karen asked, indicating Selina, who was nervously glancing at the turkey as Bruce carved it.

"Oh, that's Catwoman." Anthony chuckled. "Or, Aunt Selina, as we know her."

Karen seemed confused. "The jewel thief?"

"Well…her skills are a bit more diverse, but yes." Anthony acknowledged.

Karen frowned, still not totally getting it. "Why did the Bat-family invite a thief to dinner?…with the Chief of Police?"

"Because she's married to Bruce," Anthony quickly explained. "OK, well, not legally married, but they've been together in one form or another for the past—shit—hey Selina?" he raised his voice so that she could hear. "How old were you when you met Bruce?"

"Anthony Quinzel, where are your manners?" Selina demanded. "You never ask a woman's age."

"21." Bruce answered for her. "And the answer to the question you didn't ask that Selina's already outraged about is '65'."

Anthony did the math quickly, turning back to Karen. "So 44 years."

Karen's eyes were wide with disbelief, but Jo had to tune out the conversation when her phone buzzed in her pocket. "Idiot," she mumbled as she typed a quick reply.

Jo cut into her turkey with gusto when it finally arrived, pouring a healthy portion of gravy over top. See, the thing about an accelerated metabolism is that you have to eat like all the time, and Jo decided she was hungry enough to brave a big bite of Selina's turkey, which actually…wait a minute. "You gotta be kitten me right meow!" Jo exclaimed. "This is totally edible! No, good, actually!"

Selina broke out into a beaming grin. "Really?"

"Yeah, really." Jo smiled back, swallowing her first bite.

Damian silently nodded as he ate, but Jo thought she may have seen the corner of his lip curl up into a smirk for a moment when he caught sight of Selina's flushed features.

This time, when Jo's phone vibrated, her leg was pressed up against the wood of the table, so everyone heard it.

Pam rolled her eyes. "Jolene, don't you think whoever that is can wait?"

"It's Jason," Jo murmured distractedly as she replied to the message.

"If he so desperately needed to speak with you, he should have been here." Pam told her.

"Well…careful what you wish for," Jo said, getting up and heading for the entrance. She opened the door to find Jason…clearly un-showered and still wearing his greasy work uniform under his leather jacket.

"What the fuck, Jay?" Jo hissed. "I told you to dress up."

"You're not the boss of me," was his response…and she could smell liquor on his breath.

"Dude, are you fucking drunk right now?" Jo closed the door behind her, pushing him further back on the porch. "I told you this was important to me!"

"No," he said, matter-of-factly, shoving her hand away from his chest. "I'm not drunk, I had a drink, and I didn't dress up because I don't really care."

"Oh, you don't care?" Jo laughed, mirthlessly. "Perfect. Do you care about me? Like—at all? Because you sure as shit sounded like you did last night."

It took him a moment before the memories started coming back, evidently, but when they did, he looked apologetic. "Oh, yeah, sure I do, Baby…" he tried to wrap his arms around her waist, but she pushed them away, keeping him at arm's length.

"Don't even think about it, Jackass." She warned. "I made one request, and it was that you show up presentable to meet my family for the first time. You're better than this," she reminded him before opening the door once more. "And this whole 'me believing in you more than you believe in yourself' bullshit is getting tiresome. I'm 16. It's ridiculous that you're asking me to be the adult here."

"I'm not asking you to—,"

"—Yeah, that's right, your behavior requires it." She snapped. "And now I sound like my mother, so congratulations."

"At least you have a mother…" he mumbled, starring down at his shoes.

Ugh! "Fine." Jo rejoined. "If I, or if this relationship means anything to you—Actually, you know what? I'll raise the stakes. If you ever want to see me naked again, you're going to zip up your jacket, walk inside, and smile for my parents. Please."

Jason rolled his eyes, complying with her request and zipping up his jacket. "Maybe I have a mom after all…"

Jo chose to ignore that comment, leading him inside and back to the dining room. She smiled once the table was in sight. "Guys…" she got everyone's attention. "This is my not-boyfriend-for-legal-purposes, Jason. Jason…" she waited for him to catch up before taking his hand in hers. "This is my Aunt, my Uncle, my Brother, his might-be-girlfriend, my Godmother, my Godfather, my Mama, and—,"

Pam was studying Jason with a critical gaze. "Is he inebriated?"

So she noticed. Great. This is getting off to a great start. I've got a good idea! How about we make it worse?… "And that's my older sister, umm, Penelope." She indicated Pam. "And her husband, Damian." Jo decided to punish him as well for the look of disgust on his face. "They're extremely happily married. Like…can't get enough of each other. Have lots of sex because Penelope is attracted to men. Obviously. Just…loves them. Their bodies and all their parts."

Pam snatched her hand away from Harley's, which she'd clearly been holding below the table, looking thoroughly pissed off.

"She's also a dolphin trainer at SeaWorld," Jo added, just for good measure. "Go ahead, Penelope. Tell Jason about the dolphins."

If Jason thought there was something weird going on, he didn't let on, instead just pulled the empty chair away from the table and sat down, his eyes trained on Pam.

After glaring at Jo for another moment, Pam slowly turned her attention to Jason, and calmly began: "Their penises are retractable and have incredible dexterity. Picture…I don't know…a monkey's tail."

Harley was clearly biting the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing.

"Male dolphins have been known to wrap them around the legs of human women and drag them to the bottom of their enclosure where they then forcibly—,"

"Alright!" Anthony said, a nervousness to his tone. "Enough about the dolphins, Penelope."

Pam shrugged. "Suit yourself. It's a truly fascinating subject."

/

When Jo announced Jason would be leaving after dinner (news that seemed to surprise him), Selina's first reaction was to wonder if he was fit to operate a motor vehicle. She thought maybe she should call him a cab, but ultimately decided not to on the grounds that she didn't really care one way or the other. So she just waved goodbye when Jo walked him out.

Pam was glowering in the corner, likely wishing she could get drunk, Harley was well on her way there, and Karen was sitting next to Selina, watching the scene with a slightly anxious curiosity.

Anthony came up behind Pam and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, smiling as he said: "Cool your jets, Miss Piss. We already have our designated grumpy goose for the day."

Slowly, a begrudging smile crept onto Pam's lips. "You used to have the best grumpy face…" she told him.

"The best." Harley seconded. "A pouty lip in my own image."

Anthony laughed, walking a few big steps backwards and taking Pam with him, pulling her in from the outskirts of the conversation.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it," Selina murmured.

"…John 1:5?" Karen asked.

"Mhm…" Selina nodded. "That's Ivy, I think—if you're sitting here trying to figure them out." She told her. "She's so angry and powerful, and there is a sickness in her, that's for sure. A twistedness. But—as soon as a light is introduced, whether it be Harley or Anthony or even Jo holding it…it will always shine through."

"And what about Anthony?" Karen wondered. "What's his darkness?"

"Mmm…" Selina collected her thoughts on the subject. "I think…he just wants to be a good man. For her…" they watched him pull Pam down onto the couch next to Harley. "And for them…" Selina smiled. "And for you, and for me, and for Jo…there's a lot of pressure on him—the first man that Poison Ivy ever loved…it's a big responsibility." She glanced over at Karen. "I don't know anything about your relationship, but the fact that you asked me leads me to believe there's some doubt…"

"So?" Karen prompted. "What's the verdict?"

Selina shrugged. "I don't see the woman—whomever she may be—who ultimately chooses him regretting it. So, if that happens to be Karen Beecher…then lucky you."

/

"Alright…maybe you should slow down a bit on the wine," Pam suggested. "Or—you know—stop altogether. Yeah, I think that's what I'm going to suggest," she leaned over to take the glass from Harley's hand and set it on the coaster.

The blonde made a weak protest, but was spread out in such a fashion over Pam's lap that she didn't exactly have the best leverage. So, ultimately, she forfeited, watching as her wife took it away.

"I'm jus' try'na get drunk enough for the both of us," Harley defended herself. "Cuz Jo's so meeeeaaannn! So mean to you, Pam-e-love."

Pam bit her lip at the new nickname, hoping she wasn't blushing.

"And it—it makes me so sad, ya know? Cuz she's our baby and stuff and she's got the best cheek that I jus wanna squish! And it makes me sooooo mad because I know that guy! That's exactly the sorta guy that I'd be shakin' up with…"

The redhead laughed. "Oh?"

"Yeah!" Harley doubled down. "'Member when she was a baby? She was such a happy baby…"

"No she wasn't," Pam laughed again, setting the record straight. "She was an awful baby. She cried all night, every night. You just weren't there."

This fact deeply saddened Harley. "I was jus' too busy bein' awesome, I guess." Her Gotham accent was back in full force.

"Yes, that's why…" Pam pressed a kiss to her temple.

"Stop it," Harley giggled, pushing her face away. "You don't wanna kiss me."

Pam raised an eyebrow, amused. "And why's that?"

Harley's cheeks were bright red. "Cuz, you're like…really sexy n' stuff." She hid her face in her hands. "Why would you wanna kiss an old lady?"

"Mmm…because there's this one old lady who I happen to really like," Pam smiled, placing a kiss on the fingers that covered her wife's forehead.

"Who?" Harley asked, her words coming out muffled.

Pam bit down on her finger to stop herself from laughing again. "Well…she's sitting on my lap…"

Harley ripped her hands away, affronted, her eyes furiously scanning the couch before they found her own legs. "Oh," her smile was sheepish. "It's me, huh?"

"Oh my God!" Selina sat up in her armchair. "How drunk are you? Seriously."

"Oof," Harley snuggled her face into the crook of Pam's neck. "Super waster to the max. Hey!" she suddenly looked over at Selina. "You guys think I could pull off a late-life-crisis? It's sorta like a mid-life-crisis but age appropriate for ladies like us. Cept for Pammy, she doesn't get to join our knitting club, Kitty."

"Ugh," Selina observed her with something between disgust and amusement. "Is that what I used to sound like?"

"No," Pam assured her. "You were infinitely more unpleasant. At least this is relatively endearing."

"Bitch, I am hella endearing!" Harley caviled. "So, anyway…" she immediately calmed down. "I was thinkin' maybe I'd dye my hair."

"Please don't," Pam and Selina said in unison.

"Nah, come on! Half and half! It'll look funky and cool," Harley told them.

"'Funky' and 'cool' haven't been synonyms since 1979," Selina informed her.

"Pfft, whatever, Kitty," Harley snorted, waving her off. "You're just a party pooper, is all. Love is supporting her choices," she said. "And Pammy loves me, really."

"Are you the 'her' in this scenario?" Pam wondered.

"How bout I just dye the tips?" Harley pleaded. "Red, white and blue. For America!"

Both Selina and Pam were laughing at this point. "That's a terrible idea," the brunette told her.

"Really?" Harley seemed legitimately surprised. "I think it'll be real classy. Don't hate the player."

/

Jo sat in the hallway, behind a suit of armor, watching Harley drunkenly ramble on about things there was no way she'd remember saying the next day.

"Stupid…" she mumbled, an odd mixture of guilt and jealously thrashing around in the pit of her stomach.

"Just a suggestion…" Jo jumped at the sound of Damian's voice, hitting her head on the metal above her. "Don't make decisions solely to piss off your parents," he continued on like nothing had happened, handing her a slice of pumpkin pie. "Oh—and don't bring that asshole into my house again."