Disclaimer: I do not own Blindspot. More like it's the other way around… I've come to realize that THEY own ME. :)
"Oh, you're ready to go, are you?" he asked her in amusement.
"Well of course," she grinned back at him. "I've been waiting for you…" As they stood close together, eyes locked together once more, she realized that that sentence that she'd meant to finish, but hadn't, actually made perfect sense on its own. When she thought about it now, she had been waiting for him, in a larger sense…
Well, she admitted to herself, 'wishing' might be a better word than 'waiting.'
"Okay," he said seriously. "Number one rule of road trips? Pee before you leave." He looked at her with a twinkle in his eye, and she had a feeling that that rule was left over from childhood. "Do you want to go first?"
"You say the sweetest things," she whispered, forcing herself to keep a straight face for a few seconds, which was as long as she lasted before she started laughing. Taking half a step back but not letting go of him, her arms still around his waist, where he'd put them, she looked up at him and then stopped. If she could have frozen time, this would have been one of the many moments in the past sixteen hours that she would have chosen. The only thing she didn't like was that she was about to have to let go.
For now, she reminded herself.
"Really?" he asked softly, his eyes just as glued to hers as hers were to his. "That one's never worked for me before." She swatted at him playfully, and he laughed along with her.
He suddenly had the urge to kiss her, which came out of nowhere… Well, maybe not nowhere. It wasn't as though he had not wanted to kiss her before, he just hadn't been thinking about it. Of course, they'd kissed just yesterday at the party, and it had been a surprisingly real kiss considering that they'd been in front of basically all of their coworkers – not just the kind of quick peck with which everyone else who'd been caught under the mistletoe had obliged.
Still, it wasn't the same. Besides, this new version of Jane, post… everything horrible in her life, basically, was one that he was going to treat with the utmost care. She was both literally and figuratively now far more fragile than she'd ever been before, and this time he intended to do things right. Not that he knew what he intended to do, of course, only that he would make sure that she knew exactly how important she was to him. He knew that she didn't know it yet, couldn't possibly begin to believe him when he said it after everything that she'd been through. He knew that it would take a while, but he was prepared to do whatever it took. He couldn't lose her again.
What about you? his inner voice asked. You haven't exactly had a great year either.
While this was true, his year had been rather hellish. Next to the trauma that Jane had been through, however, his was nothing. She had crossed far beyond what would be most people's breaking point, in part thanks to his own actions, just as he'd reached his breaking point as well. And yet she'd dealt with so much more than he had, and done it better than he ever could have, he knew. It was time that he made it up to her – he was lucky that he still had that chance, both because it was a miracle that she was still alive, after such severe torture, and equally miraculous that she'd even speak to him after how he'd acted.
Yes, he may have had a hell of a year, but he knew that he was lucky. This time, he was going to do it all right… especially when it came to something as important as showing Jane how he felt about her.
Besides, for a less 'big picture' reason, it also seemed like a bad idea to kiss her now, just before they started their hours long road trip. After all, she already had the power to distract him simply by looking at him. He didn't need to make it worse.
He forced himself to let go of her, though he did so slowly as he stared into her eyes. "You first, then me, then we get out of here," he told her. Then, when she didn't move, he added, "The sooner we leave, the sooner we get there. We don't want to miss Christmas Eve."
Christmas Eve. She hadn't even realized that. In her mind, it was just Saturday and the day before Christmas. In a supreme display of willpower, she took one step back from him, her arms dropping back to her sides, then slowly turned and walked back toward the bathroom door. When she came back out, she found him standing over the duffle bag with their winter gear, appearing to add more into it.
"I almost forgot something pretty important," he said, shaking his head at himself. "Gloves. Don't know how I forgot about those." He grinned at her, adding, "I think someone was distracting me."
"Hey, I'm not doing anything, I'm just here observing. You're the expert on winter…" she said, holding her hands up in front of her in surrender. She took a few steps toward him without thinking, then stopped self-consciously. He shook his head with a smile, zipped up the bag quickly and then sidestepped her and darted into the bathroom. Not walking straight back over to her was an exercise in self-control, one which he hadn't enjoyed, but that had to be done.
Walking back over to the bag they'd filled most recently, she lifted it onto her shoulder. It was surprisingly heavy. Then again, she thought, putting Sarah's green winter jacket over her arm, we did put a lot into this bag. She imagined that those boots of Kurt's were half of the weight of the bag by themselves. Kurt emerged from the bathroom then, saw her standing there holding the bag, and frowned slightly.
Reading his mind, she made a face at him. "I'm fine," she protested. Reaching the table in a few quick steps, he put on the black hat, scarf and fleece that she'd set aside for him. "Good choice, by the way," he told her. "The black ones are my favorites." This made her smile at him, because… well, he was smiling at her, which pretty much meant that she smiled back at him involuntarily.
She walked to the door and set the bag of winter clothes down in order to lace up her black boots, as he also slipped his feet into a pair that were not too dissimilar to hers. He finished first, however, and lifted two of the three bags onto his shoulder, leaving her with her own bag, which he had deemed to be the lightest one. Thought she huffed in protest for a few seconds, the pretend pout gave way to a smile as he stepped closer to her, grinning in amusement.
Feeling her breath catch in her throat, she stood perfectly still as he tugged the zipper on the front of the white fleece she was wearing down about three quarters of the way, then lifted the soft, thick blue scarf off of the back of her neck. Her eyes were glued to him as she stood as still as a statue, waiting to see what exactly he was doing. Then she realized, a second later, that he was winding the scarf around her neck the same way he had back at her apartment the night before with the one he'd been wearing.
First he held the blue scarf in front of her chin, then leaned forward so that he could wrap it around her, finally pulling the ends back in front of her shoulders on opposite sides from where they'd started. As he did so, he leaned closer than necessary, so that for a few seconds, it was almost like he was holding onto her. Then, tugging at the ends just a little as he'd also done the night before, which pulled her just a little bit closer to him once again, he smiled down at her. When he carefully tucked the ends of the scarf inside the white fleece, zipping it back up again, it almost felt like it had been in slow motion. At the same time, it was over far too quickly.
They stood still, just watching each other and trying to determine what came next, for a few seconds. She felt warmth spread from her head all the way down to her toes, but it wasn't from all the winter gear she was wearing… well, not all from her winter gear, anyway. No, Kurt had a lot to do with it.
"Oh! I almost forgot," Kurt said, walking quickly back towards his bedroom. He emerged again in another minute, carrying yet another bundle, this one looking more like bedding.
"What's all that?" Jane asked in confusion.
"Sarah asked me to bring it, to make sure we had enough," he replied. Because we weren't expecting to have a fourth person stay over, he thought.
"Now we're ready," he said, also holding his heavy jacket over his arm. Opening the apartment door for her and gesturing towards the hallway, and she walked out first, carrying her duffle bag, followed by Kurt, carrying the two others.
Once again, they walked about as close together as was possible without touching each other, each of them simultaneously (and unbeknownst to the other) wanting to bridge the divide but not sure if they should. After all, with so much history, things just weren't as simple as they'd once been. And there was that pesky we work together, one of us is the other's boss thing. Not that that had stopped them all of the time so far, but still.
Why isn'tit that simple? the voice in Kurt's head asked.
It just isn't, he replied in annoyance.
I wish I knew what he was thinking, Jane thought, glancing at Kurt and smiling shyly when he caught her. She'd much rather be holding his hand then walking awkwardly beside him and thinking about holding his hand…
So why don't you? the voice in her head asked.
I don't know… I just… She couldn't quite find an answer to that question, at least not one that could be formed in words.
They reached the elevator, and Kurt pressed the button for the lobby, then turned around carefully, not wanting to knock Jane over by swinging the bags on his shoulder at her. The elevator arrived, and, once inside she set her bag down at her feet. He pressed the button for the lobby and when he turned to stand close beside her, she did what she'd done the last few times they'd been in elevators together – she leaned her head gently against his shoulder. She could feel the vibration of the soft chuckle that escaped him when she did.
"Tired already?" he asked her quietly.
"No, not this time," she replied with a small shrug. "Just…" She thought about how much she wanted to admit to him. "I just wanted to," she said simply.
He smiled, letting the back of his hand settle against the back of hers. He wanted to take her hand, but, knowing that the elevator door was about to open and they'd have to let go almost immediately and put on gloves and jackets, he resisted. Somehow, the pressure of the backs of their hands together was almost better at that moment.
When she felt his hand against hers, she couldn't help the awe she that filled her immediately. How could such a slight touch make her feel like she was on top of the world? And yet, it did. It was another moment in time that she wanted to freeze… and then the elevator dinged rudely, as they seemed to do to them every time, and the doors parted on an empty lobby.
As they stepped out of the elevator, he remembered the mini-panic attack that she'd had the last time they'd walked through there the night before. He walked just far enough to be clear of the elevator doors then stopped, which prompted her to stop beside him as well, looking at him in surprise. They set down the duffle bags and pulled gloves out of their pockets to put them on before they ventured outside, along with the heavy jackets they'd been carrying so far.
"We may only need these to walk to the car," he said with a grin, "but at least we'll be warm on our way." After all, despite their late departure, the temperature had yet to cross the freezing mark. They picked up their bags again and before they started walking, Kurt glanced quickly around the lobby, then back at Jane, his eyes full of questions that he did not vocalize.
She knew what he was doing. Being the attentive guy that he was, he had remembered that she'd panicked the last time they'd walked through the lobby, and he was wondering if she was okay. Smiling back at him in reply, she nodded her head ever so slightly, feeling a rush of affection for him. It overtook her before she knew what hit her, and for a split second she felt her standard involuntary reaction, panic, take over… interesting, since it had been caused by the fact that she'd just indicated that she was fine.
But this time she kept her eyes on him, and before she had time to analyze the thought consciously, she had already pushed past it. No, the events of the hours since she'd arrived at Kurt's apartment had been a little bit heavy and certainly exhausting, but it had all been cathartic. She knew better than to expect it to fix everything, of course, but she had to admit that she felt a little better – about him, about them (not that she quite knew what "them" entailed, but whatever it was, she felt a little better about it), about… everything.
You're doing fine, an unusually kind voice from inside her head told her. Don't overthink it. Just think about right now.
Right now, it so happened, they were walking across the lobby toward the front doors of his building. She braced herself before he opened the door for her, but the cold stung her skin anyway. Whether it actually was colder than it had been the night before or not, it felt colder than it had been, no thanks to a nearly continuously blowing wind. It wasn't snowing, but the sky looked like it wanted to begin any minute.
Kurt glanced up at the sky, silently hoping that the weather would hold out long enough for them to reach Clearfield, but knowing that that might be too much to ask. He wasn't afraid to drive in snow, like so many others he knew, he'd just prefer not to have to do it. Snow, despite how beautiful it looked when observed from inside, was not a driver's friend.
The two of them nearly sprinted to the car, quickly feeling chilled to the bone despite their layers.
"Do you want the bags in the trunk?" Jane asked, her teeth chattering.
Kurt shook his head. "No, the trunk's at least half full of presents, possibly more," he said quickly, unlocking the doors and opening the back door on the driver's side. "Let's just put them in the back seat." Jane nodded, opening the back door on the passenger's side and depositing her duffle bag alongside the two that Kurt had already tossed into the back, as well as the bedding, then both of them climbed into the from seat as quickly as they could. He started the engine and pushed the buttons for the seat warmers.
"Even with all that stuff on, I'm still freezing," Jane said, feeling herself shaking with cold.
"Give the heat a second to kick in, it won't be so bad," he assured her, to which she just nodded, willing it to happen faster.
It was only a few more minutes before the car was warmed up sufficiently that they were no longer shivering, and Kurt had set up the GPS on his phone to plan their route. Not because he didn't know how to get back to Clearfield – he'd done the drive not that long ago, after all, though it now felt like a million years ago… the night his father had died. No, it was more because the GPS would give him road conditions and a reliable ETA, so that he could keep Sarah updated. She was, as she'd always been, a worrywart.
"Alright… it's 10:30 now," he said, "so according to this, we should be there around 3:00, if we can do it without stopping. I packed some snacks for us, too," he added, smiling proudly.
"Sounds good," Jane replied. Really, she was fine with anything, just happy to be along for the ride, literally. If Kurt was there – which he was – she was happy.
They wound their way through the city streets on their way out of the city, passing various festively decorated neighborhoods, stores and parks. In the more commercial areas, shoppers were still out on the streets making last minute purchases, as was evident from the wide array of shopping bags she saw people carrying.
She felt her stomach drop then, realizing that she was arriving for a Christmas celebration without a single gift, not for Kurt or Sarah or Sawyer. Kurt's words, which she'd been too cold to process a few minutes ago, came back to her – more than half of the trunk was full of presents. Of course, she'd had no way to know that she'd be going there before the previous night, and there hadn't exactly been time for her to go shopping in the few hours that had passed since she'd agreed to go with him. She and Kurt hadn't even really been speaking to each other unless it was necessary twenty four hours earlier, the thought of which still seemed impossible, and made her incredibly uncomfortable.
Relax, the voice in her head said soothingly. You're overthinking it. Just look at where you are. Look at who you're with. No one expects you to play Santa Claus. It seemed too simple to work, but when she looked back over at him, she saw that it was true – suddenly, none of those other things seemed important.
He felt her looking at him as he drove, and he glanced over at her when he pulled up to a red light. There was something in her expression that told him that something was happening in her head, but she seemed to be holding her own against whatever it was, because the smile on her lips was still genuine, not forced.
"You okay?" he asked, glancing back at the light, which was still red, and then back at her.
"Yeah," she replied, glancing down and then back up at him as he turned his attention back to the road. "Just a little sleepy." She didn't want to admit that she felt badly about arriving empty handed, because she knew exactly what Kurt would say. That it didn't matter.
Nodding in agreement without taking his eyes off of the road, he said, "Well, it was a little bit of a rough night. But if you need a nap, you have plenty of time before we get there."
"I'd rather stay awake and keep you company," she told him, "but we'll see how long I can hold out."
"Sounds like a plan," he chuckled, wishing that driving didn't require all of his attention and that he keep his hands on the wheel. He willed the drive to go quickly, so they could be there, already.
What's your rush? the voice in his head asked him tauntingly. She's been right in front of you for months, and you couldn't even give her the time of day. Glancing over at her, he once again felt guilt creep up on him, but this time he pushed it aside. There was nothing he could do about the past now, other than to do better, and he'd set the bar so low for himself that he liked to think that he had nowhere to go but up.
"When was the last time you saw Sarah and Sawyer?" Jane asked curiously. She hadn't meant anything by the question, had simply been making conversation and was curious, but from Kurt's deep sigh she knew that she'd struck a nerve.
"Not since they moved," he sighed.
"Do they like it out there, do you know?" She didn't mean to push a topic that he didn't want to talk about, but it seemed safer to ask Kurt than to ask Sarah, who she didn't know very well.
"I guess… Sawyer's getting to see his dad, which he seems happy about. As for Sarah…" He sighed, louder than he'd meant to. Sarah had taken their father's death differently than Kurt had, certainly, but equally hard in her own way. She hadn't spent twenty-five years hating the man, after all, so to find out suddenly that he actually had been guilty of doing what she had always refused to believe that he'd done to their childhood friend had been even more of a blow to her than to Kurt, in some ways. He shook his head. "She's had a rough time." Suddenly realizing who he was talking to, he glanced over at Jane, his mouth opening as if he was going to attempt to backpedal, but no words came out. He didn't know what he could possibly say now that would help, simply sat and wished that he could reel the words back in.
Jane smiled sadly, not letting his words bother her. "It's okay, Kurt. I'm not the only one who's had a rough time this year. I know that." She noticed that he looked relieved at her words, and was amused by the fact that she'd guessed correctly at the reason for his momentary speechlessness. At the same time, she mentally patted herself on the back for not letting the feeling of darkness overtake her at the thought of her past few months. This was new, and she could only attribute it to Kurt. After all, he was the only thing in her life that had changed in the past few days.
"Kurt, I want us to make a deal, if you're willing to. Right now. As of this moment, we are even." He glanced at her quizzically, then back at the road again, but she kept right on talking. "Neither of us is more or less trustworthy, more or less to blame, more or less guilty. Because I realized that despite everything, I do trust you to keep me safe. It scares the shit out of me, and makes me think I might be crazy, but… I do. Because I know that you, the Kurt that I know, wouldn't intentionally do anything that would even make me the least bit unhappy, because that's the kind of guy you are."
How in the world can she say that about me, after everything I've done? he wondered.
Hush, the voice in his head replied. Didn't you hear what she said? You're even. That means no more of that. The thought of both of them being absolved of their feelings of guilt, which ran so deep, was appealing. But could he manage to forgive himself?
She couldn't help but smile at him, because she meant every word of it what she was saying. That really was the kind of guy he was. "You are not perfect," she continued, then paused and smiled at him as he pretended to be offended. "But neither am I. And I hope that you know that I wouldn't do anything that would make you unhappy, either. The people that we were… then…"
She paused for a second, suddenly feeling tears in her eyes and sniffled slightly. He glanced at her again, slightly alarmed by the sound, but she shook her head and kept going. "…that wasn't the real us. I like to think that we both know that. That was… it was us, but in circumstances that should never have happened. But we're not going back there, not ever. That's not the person I want to be." Realizing that she had said a lot all at once, she stopped and waited for him to reply. Feeling a stray tear slide down her cheek, she swatted at it quickly with her fingertips and pursed her lips.
"It's a deal," he said quietly, completely in awe and wishing that he could simply stare into her eyes. He had to settle for holding out his hand to her which she squeezed tightly between both of hers.
She held tightly to his hand for about two minutes, before reluctantly letting it go. "You'll need this to drive," she said, disappointment evident in her voice.
"Rain check," he replied with a smile, and another glance in her direction.
It's going to be a long drive, he thought.
Jane fiddled with the radio for a few minutes, settling back happily into her seat when she found a station playing only Christmas music. She'd declared it her mission to learn as many of the songs as she could that year. She only vaguely remembered a few of them from the previous year, the first Christmas that she could remember.
They lapsed into a comfortable silence after a little while, and the next time Kurt looked over at her, he saw that she had fallen asleep against the back of her chair, her head turned in his direction and a hint of a smile on her face. He felt a smile inside him before he even registered that there was also one on his face, and it remained there as he turned back to look out at the road ahead.
The sky overhead was grey, and the clouds ahead were ominous. The temperature was still only 28 degrees, so any precipitation they encountered would be in the form of snow. He silently willed the clouds to hold the snow in for as long as possible, but he knew that despite the fact that he had yet to see any snow today, that it wouldn't be much longer. It was just a feeling.
They'd been driving across the width of northern New Jersey for approximately fifteen minutes when it started. One minute, the air was clear, and the next, tiny white crystals were flying through the air in timid flurries. The wind was blowing harder and harder, but the snow remained relatively light. Since the roads had been treated in advance of the storm, while he could feel that the car's traction wasn't quite as good as usual, Kurt didn't see a real problem. So far.
The most significant part of the drive, of course, would take them across northern Pennsylvania. It could have been worse, the trip could have been on back roads, he supposed. On each of the few times that he'd done this drive in the past few decades, the highways had always been clear, with only a few other cars on the road. Of course, he'd never tried to do the drive at holidays – once he'd left home, he'd tried his hardest not to go back.
Today, however, when he actually did want to get there, it seemed that fate was not on his side. Almost as soon as they crossed the New Jersey/Pennsylvania state line, the cars around them seemed to slow down, and the farther into Pennsylvania they went, the slower the cars in front of him seemed to go. Of course it had a lot to do with the snow, which was gradually falling harder and faster, the size of the snowflakes having increased from tiny white crystals to large clumps.
It was only then that Jane woke up, after having slept all the way across New Jersey. Now she blinked her eyes open and smiled as Kurt slowly came into focus in front of her, but then let out a soft gasp when she looked past him, to the snow outside the car.
He'd expected her to be excited, and she was – even more so than he'd anticipated. In the quick glances that he'd been able to steal of her, he saw her face lit up the same way Sawyer's would have to see the same sight.
"Hey, how was your nap?" he asked her. While he couldn't begrudge her the sleep, as tired as he knew that she was, he was secretly glad that she'd woken up. After all, now she could keep him company. Even with music on, Christmas music or otherwise, the drive got more than a little monotonous.
"Good," she yawned, blinking against the light in her eyes. Looking back out the window on her side, she grinned anew, pressing her nose up against the glass.
"Excited about the snow, huh?" he asked in amusement. It was so nice to see her so happy about something. After the year she'd had, she deserved this happiness and much more.
When she tore her eyes away from the window to look at him, she saw just how sincerely happy he was to see her happy, just from looking in his eyes. He couldn't look at her for more than a second, however, because the road conditions were getting more and more serious. After that, she noticed that he kept his focus on the road, his hands squeezed tighter and tighter around the steering wheel. The traffic was moving slower and slower, and the GPS on Kurt's phone, which sat in a holder against the front console panel, helpfully told them that their ETA had gone from 3:00 all the way to 4:00, despite the fact that they'd been on the road the entire time and moving, though more and more slowly.
"So, it looks like we're going to be later than we thought…" he told Jane, trying to keep the concern out of his voice. Conditions seemed to be deteriorating, and there was absolutely nothing they could do about it. There were small towns along the road for at least part of the way between where they were just then and when they reached Clearfield, but some of them were so small they didn't even count as towns, and most of them didn't have any lodging, so they were of little use to them.
She detected a hint of stress in his voice, and she focused hard on him, trying to figure out whether or not she should be worried. Yes, the snowflakes were slowly getting larger and faster, but they were still moving, at least. They had to get there eventually, didn't they?
"You'll tell me when it's time to panic, right?" she asked him jokingly. Watching his reaction carefully, she was a little unsettled by the pause that came next, as he seemed to be choosing his words carefully.
"You don't need to panic," he told her slowly. "But realistically, if this keeps up, we're going to have to get off the road. The worse it gets, the slower the traffic goes. The road has been treated, I can tell, but Mother Nature sometimes decides to remind us that she's the one in charge…" He glanced up at her, hoping that he looked more confident than he felt. "It's going to be fine. We just… we may have to pull off the road and wait for the storm to pass."
He could see that she was fighting to control her reaction to what he'd said, though her face only showed the slightest sign of stress. It seemed doubtful that anyone else would have noticed it. However, he knew her too well, and even in the quick glances he took at her, quicker and fewer of them now than when the weather had been better, he could see that she was chewing on what he'd said. She blinked several times, clearly thinking hard, before she began speaking, choosing her words carefully.
"Kurt, in all the time we've known each other, you've made hundreds of decisions that kept me alive, that kept all of us safe… I know that your judgement is better than just about anyone else's… And if you tell me that that's what we need to do, and that that's the safest thing to do, then I'm not worried." He glanced at her carefully, as if he wasn't sure. "Okay, maybe just a tiny bit worried…" she conceded, but they both smiled. They were both at least a little worried, but wanted to believe that it would be fine.
The snow was really coming down fast now, and their speed was now down to almost nothing. They continued to drive in silence after that, as the snow came down harder and the cars around them went slower and slower.
"What does the GPS think?" she asked with a sigh after fifteen minutes of crawling along the road, listening to a combination of Christmas music and the howling wind.
"I think that if the GPS could make a recommendation, it would be to pull over," he said in resignation. "We're still more than two hours away in good weather, but we're burning through our gas and we're not getting anywhere. At this rate, the GPS thinks it's going to be at least six and a half hours. According to this little red line," he said, pointing at the screen, "traffic appears to be pretty bad almost the whole rest of the way, so something tells me that that estimate is actually going to get worse, not better."
Then, hesitating slightly, unsure how she would react despite his earlier warning, he said, "I think we're going to have to pull over and wait it out."
Stuck in the car. In a snowstorm. Her mind wasn't sure how to process this. Would they even survive? She glanced at Kurt nervously, trusting that he knew what he was talking about. "Okay," she said simply, nodding. "I trust you."