Disclaimer: I do not own Blindspot. More like it's the other way around… I've come to realize that THEY own ME. :)
She knew that Kurt's decision to stop along the road was rational, but she couldn't help but be nervous about the idea of simply pulling over in the middle of a blizzard – which was what the weather had turned into.
What if the snow just buried the car? What if the snow kept up for days? What if…
There's no time for that right now, she told herself, and she focused on Kurt. Kurt would know what to do.
And it was true, Kurt knew what to do. He wasted no time, and as soon as the car in front of them had moved up sufficiently for him to steer their car onto the extra wide shoulder, he pulled their car as far over onto it as he could. The ground was flat, so he pulled the car far enough over that the right side of it was on the grass. He pressed the button that turned on the hazard lights, and for a few seconds Jane watched the light on the button flash rhythmically in the front panel.
Despite the fact that she trusted that Kurt knew what he was doing, she couldn't help but be nervous as he turned off the engine. After all, it just didn't feel safe to simply pull over in such a severe storm and turn off the engine. To turn off the heat.
"Okay," he said calmly. "There's a few things we need to do. First, in the glove compartment, there should be a bright orange piece of cloth. Can you hand it to me?" She opened the glove compartment and rummaged through the few items inside until she found it, taking it out and handing it to him. Gasping a little at the blast of cold that blew into the car when he rolled down his window a few inches, she quickly saw what he was doing. He had put the cloth out the window, and was attempting to hold it in the wind while putting the window back up so that it remained spread out, like a little flag.
"It's not much, but the point is to try to help people see our car in all the snow," he said, glancing at her for a second and then returning to the task at hand. She nodded in understanding, but quickly saw that what he was trying to accomplish would be almost impossible for one person in so much wind.
"Do you need help?" she asked him. Of course, she wasn't exactly in a position where she could easily reach the button for his window, which was on the driver's side door, but she was sure that she could manage if she shifted enough.
"Actually… yeah, I think I do," he replied. "This wind isn't exactly cooperating." Taking off her seatbelt, she nodded and turned in her chair, surveying the distance that she needed to cross in order to be helpful. Basically, she needed to lean all the way across him. Now that he wasn't driving, he was watching her closely. She would swear that he was smiling more than just a little bit at her, and when he spoke next, she understood why.
"Don't be shy," he told her. "This is nothing compared to what we have to do next." He saw her smile nervously, her eyes widening slightly with a combination of curiosity and anxiety, but his words seemed to have encouraged her sufficiently to do what she needed to do just then. In seconds, Jane was leaning across the front of him, her left hand braced against the back of his headrest to help her keep her balance. She found herself leaned heavily against Kurt's chest, and not surprisingly to her, it was not an unpleasant place to be. After a few seconds she located the button, pulling it forward and watching carefully to be sure his fingers weren't caught as the window went back up.
That task completed, the rushing sound of the wind coming in through the partially open window stopped, as did the freezing cold air and clumps of snow that had begun blowing in. Jane now sat very precariously balanced across the front of him, suddenly feeling more than a little awkward. As she began to withdraw reluctantly, suddenly feeling her heart race from a combination of exhilaration from being so close to him along with awkwardness at the strange position, she felt a hand, now free from the window, land on her back.
"You okay?" he asked, attempting to help her steady herself again as she moved back toward her seat.
It would've been fine with him if she'd stayed right where she was.
His right hand was on her back, and she felt herself moving more slowly than necessary back toward her seat, not wanting to lose the contact by getting too far away.
"Yeah, fine," she replied as she landed back in her seat, for lack of having anywhere else to settle, feeling disappointment when his hand slipped off of her back because of the awkward angle. "So you said something about what's next?"
He nodded, and as he did, he reached out and turned the heat up full blast. "I'm going to let this run for one more minute to heat us back up, and then we need to turn it off. We can't afford to burn off our gas," he said slowly. "Once the storm clears, we'll still need to drive out of here." He hesitated, knowing what he was working up to but unsure how she was going to react.
"First, I need you to remember that it's really important not to panic," he said calmly, looking at her carefully to try to determine her current anxiety level. "I know you just said you trust me, but I have a feeling that this whole thing is making you wonder about that… Maybe?"
She smiled a guilty smile, glancing down for a second, and then back up at him. "I'm trying to remain calm, but…" She glanced outside at the snow, which was already coating the windows. He saw the concern on her face when she turned back to look at him. "I mean, I'm trying to remember that I've been through worse, but… the whole 'are we going to freeze to death?' thing is a little scary."
That made him smile, because he had no intention of letting that happen. Of course, it wasn't exactly something he had control over… However, we knew a lot about the necessary precautions that would hopefully prevent it.
"I'm not going to let either of us freeze to death, Jane," he told her, reaching out to take her hand. "But staying warm is actually the next thing I was going to talk about." He took a deep breath and continued. He knew that from a logical perspective, she would understand why it was necessary to do what they had to do… it was just going to be… awkward. "Basically, it's going to get cold in here really fast in this weather, without the heat on. We don't know how long we're going to be here, but we need to conserve the heat that we do have…"
She was looking at him and nodding, and he wondered if she knew what he was going to say, or if it would come as a surprise to her. He couldn't really predict what she remembered from before and what she didn't, after all.
"Thankfully, Sarah had asked me to bring some bedding to be sure that we had enough. I have sheets, a big wool blanket, and my old camping sleeping bag, which is really well insulated…"
Suddenly, she saw where this was going, and why he'd told her that leaning across him was nothing compared to what was going to happen next. She said nothing, waiting for him to say it, suddenly feeling a thousand nervous butterflies invade her stomach.
"So, well… we need to get in the sleeping bag. Together. We have the best chance of not freezing by… keeping each other warm." He certainly didn't hate this idea, though it wasn't exactly one he would have bluntly suggested that way. Certainly not this soon. Of course, maybe it wasn't all that different from falling asleep with his arms around her, laying on the couch the night before… No, the most awkward part of it, he thought, was having to tell her this is what they needed to do.
"Okay," she said slowly, trying to remain calm. This is weird, but it's certainly not the worst thing you could have to do, she told herself. To snuggle up to him for warmth? No, it could be way worse than that.
He turned around and began rearranging their bags in the back seat. Needing to make space, he handed her the duffle bag with her clothes in it. "Put that one up front on your side, maybe on the floor," he told her. "And you should put on at least one more pair of socks." She nodded and unzipped the bag to find her socks while he continued to move things around. After she'd finished, she turned around to find that he'd moved the bags to the floor between the front and back seats, and laid out his sleeping bag across the seats, a large pillow at the end with the opening. The sheets and the wool blanket sat on top of one of the bags, waiting.
"Okay, this is where it gets interesting…" he said, turning around to look at her. "Ready?"
She smiled nervously, her eyes meeting his as she tried to keep her sense of humor about the whole thing. "As I'll ever be…" she said, feeling like maybe she was failing at staying calm. He smiled back at her encouragingly and to her surprise, he then took off his heavy jacket and boots before turning off the engine. After stopping to be sure that the doors were locked, he twisted around in his seat and carefully climbed over the center console – no easy feat for a guy his size – and into the back seat. He had already upzipped the sleeping bag, and he moved the top layer out of the way, laying down on his back. His legs didn't have enough room to extend all the way out, so his knees were slightly bent.
"Oh, take off your boots and your jacket first, too," he said, having forgotten to tell her. Nodding, she removed her boots and her outer jacket as quickly as she could, pushing them onto the floor by her bag. Turning back around to face him, she looked at him skeptically.
"No? Not this angle?" he asked, apparently able to read the look on her face correctly. Smiling, he shifted until his back was against the back seat, then added, "No problem, we'll try this way. Not sure if it's wide enough, but we'll find out." He winked at her, grinning the same way he did when he told her a joke.
She knew exactly what he was saying, that she was going to lay in front of him on the seat. She wasn't scared, per se – why would she be? Still, she was hesitating.
"You okay, Jane?" he asked, worry now on his face. "We need to…"
"I know," she replied quickly, forcing herself to disregard her hesitation. This was not a choice. This was actually for both of their safety, and there was no time – or heat – to lose. With that, she climbed awkwardly over the center console, moving slowly and carefully and finally managing to maneuver herself onto the seat in front of Kurt. However, once she got there she couldn't shake the feeling that she was about to all flat on her face. To say that the seat wasn't designed to be used this way would be an understatement. Even pushing herself as far back against him as she could, and even with his arm curled tightly around her waist, she knew that this wasn't going to work. After all, who knew how long they were going to be in this position.
"Are you okay?" he asked from somewhere not far from her ear, since he was laying right behind her. He couldn't see her face, but could feel the tension in her. He just couldn't tell whether it was from awkwardness or because laying like this wasn't physically comfortable.
"I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up on the floor. Or at least, it feels like it," she replied, the stress in her voice telling him just exactly how 'not okay' she was in that position.
"So then…" he hesitated, in disbelief that he was going to be saying this to her less than twenty four hours after the party. "Shall I go back to laying on my back, and you…" He was trying to think of a more polite way to say lay on top of me. Somehow, even though that's what it was, it sounded just a little too… blunt. "…use me as a pillow?"
"Okay," she replied tensely, trying to figure out how to move herself to get out of his way. She somehow managed to pull herself back up to perch on the back edge of the console so that he had room to shift back onto his back, at which he looked at her expectantly.
"I can reach the sheet and the blanket, but the sleeping bag is going to be the tricky part," he said. "Can you zip at least the bottom part, around the first corner and then up a little before you get in?"
"Okay," she said, nodding as she moved slowly, knowing that the zipping was the easy part, but the getting in… well… One thing at a time, she told herself. It's going to be fine. Be glad you're not stuck out here with anyone else. A smile spread across her face as the pulled at the zipper with her gloved hand, and she couldn't help but chuckle.
"What's so funny?" he asked her in relief. He knew exactly how awkward this was, and he was hoping that she was going to be able to stay calm.
"Oh, I was just thinking," she said as she finished zipping the bottom and moved the flap of the sleeping bag as far over as she could, then tried to figure out the best way to lower herself over him. "…that I'm glad I'm not stuck out here with anyone else. Now that would be really awkward."
For a split second he tried to imagine being in this situation with any other member of the team, or – God forbid – someone like Rich Dotcom – and he chuckled, too. "Yeah," he agreed, "I'd say this could be a lot worse." He looked at her evenly, then added, without a hint of humor. "I can honestly say that there's no one I'd rather share my sleeping bag with than you." She smiled, blushing slightly.
Is he kidding? He could be kidding. She couldn't tell… He doesn't look like he's kidding, though.
As they'd talked, she'd been moving slowly in his direction, looking at him uncertainly and trying to figure out the best way to do what she needed to do. The only way she could see was to stick her feet in first, and then simply lower herself down on top of him. She wasn't against the idea, per se, but just… very self-conscious about doing it. It wasn't exactly something she'd done before.
Seeing that she needed encouragement, he looked into her eyes and said playfully, "What's wrong, Jane? Is it your turn to be shy now?" This was a little different than kissing under the mistletoe, of course and she blushed slightly as she put her hands down on either side of his head, anchored her feet near his, and then slowly attempted to lower herself down over him. Not the kind of thing she did every day, that was for sure.
Once she stopped moving, still hovering above him, Kurt reached down to where the sheet and the blanket sat, spreading first the sheet and then the blanket over her back, as far down toward their feet as he could, and pulling it around the sides of them as tightly as possible from his angle, tucking it underneath him. Still, despite the way the covers now bound them together, she attempted to hold herself up.
Looking at her in amusement, he said, "You can relax, Jane." When she didn't, he just shook his head at her, flipping the top layer of the sleeping bag over her back and tugging slightly. "Okay, so now," he said, looking up to where she was positioned above him, their faces close together as they continued to look at each other awkwardly, "one of us has to zip it up the rest of the way. Let me see if I can reach…"
She felt him shift slowly and carefully underneath her as he attempted to reach the zipper at the lower end of the sleeping bag without knocking her over, and she moved her left arm, which was holding her up on that side, so that it wasn't in his way. Finally, just when she thought it was going to be up to her, she heard him mumble, "Got it," and then heard the sound of the zipper moving up the sleeping bag. For a second, she had a hazy flashback to the bag in Times Square, even though she didn't really remember hearing the zipper open that night. It was more the idea of it, and she inhaled sharply as she felt the sleeping back tighten around them, pulling them closer together as Kurt pulled the zipper up. This sleeping bag was roomy, but it wasn't designed for two people. Or at least, not two people with any space between them.
He shifted himself back up to the opening of the sleeping bag gradually, as he pulled the zipper up, finally coming to rest where he'd been to start with, and Jane was once again holding up all her weight just above him solely with her arms. She now had to work harder to hold herself up, fighting against the pressure of the closed sleeping bag. Their very close proximity felt extremely awkward, despite the seeming normality of their conversation only a minute before. When she continued to hold herself up, as if determined not to put her weight on him at all, he chuckled at her.
"Okay, two things," he said with a smile, looking into her eyes, "first, you can't possibly sustain that position. You're going to have to relax. You're burning way too much energy that way. Also, in order to maximize body heat, we need to be closer together." She kept her eyes locked on his, knowing that he was right, but suddenly feeling incredibly uncomfortable.
"Come on, Jane, what do you think? That you're not going to crush me? Not even close. Okay? Relax," he told her.
"It's not that. I…" Her face looked pained as she looked away from him. She couldn't explain it, and for a minute she felt short of breath with panic.
He smoothed her hair back from her face, smiling tenderly as he tucked strands behind her ears on both sides, willing her to look back at him. "Sssshhh, Jane… I know, okay? Trust me, I get it. It's weird… and somehow, it's not weird at the same time. Maybe even a little scary. It's not exactly where we thought we'd be, and it's definitely not what you signed up for…"
But you want to stay warm, don't you? she asked the overly nervous voice in her head. Because this is Kurt, who held you last night after you had a nightmare, during which you slept better than you have in your entire memory. Being scared might be justified if he was a stranger, but he most certainly is not a stranger. Don't overthink it.
Slowly, he felt her lower herself against him, and he wound his arms around her back securely. That was when he felt her finally relax. She was looking into his eyes as if she was looking for something, until he finally saw her expression soften and felt her breathe deeply, first in and then back out slowly.
They were both still wearing their hats scarves, gloves and fleeces, so the only skin left exposed was their faces. "Hey," he said quietly. There was no need to talk any louder, since she was now so close. Despite the danger of the situation, he had to admit that he definitely didn't hate this. "You okay?"
She wanted to answer, but couldn't bring herself to do so just then. That was when she felt him pull her a little tighter, and she couldn't help but think that just maybe, this blizzard thing wasn't so bad as she snuggled against him.
Looking down at her, he saw her smile at him gratefully. "You know that I'm fine with whatever makes you happy, right?" She raised an eyebrow at him, which made him roll his eyes. "Within reason, woman," he said in pretend annoyance. All jokes now aside, she scooted herself up just close enough to lean her forehead against his chin, somehow needing even more contact with him than she already had.
"I don't deserve you," she whispered.
"Now that's where you're wrong," he told her immediately. "Also, I'll need to consult the rules, but I think that saying things like that may violate the terms of our agreement. The one that you came up with, that says that we're even," he reminded her. "We do deserve each other, but not in the sense of punishment. We deserve each other in the best way possible. And I'm going to insist that you remember that."
Once again, a wave of affection for him washed over her, and she simply didn't know how to articulate how much everything he was saying and doing meant to her. All she could do was smile at him happily.
"So tell me, is this as weird as you thought it was going to be?" he asked her, staring into her eyes.
Once again, like so many other times, she was simply unable to look away from him. Feeling like she was grinning like an idiot, but not really caring just then, she said, "Yes… but I like it anyway. A lot more than I expected." His chest rumbled, moving up and down below her as he chuckled. She was smiling, despite the fact that she'd said that their position was weird, and he took that as a good sign.
"You know, skin to skin contact is actually the best way to stay warm," he said to her, attempting to keep a straight face but with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
She raised an eyebrow at him, shaking her head slowly. "We're not quite in danger of freezing to death yet, Weller. Don't get ahead of yourself." She said it with laughter in her voice, but he heard a hint of something else, as if she was actively working to keep her tone light.
Will it actually come to that? she wondered. Could we actually, realistically freeze to death? While she would of course not choose death over that level of intimacy… She wasn't sure that it was something she was prepared to think about just then, if she didn't have to. As much as she liked Kurt…
He noticed the tension that had immediately returned to her face and regretted having joked with her about skin to skin contact then, because she looked noticeably more panicked. He liked to think that it was the thought of freezing to death that had that effect, not the thought of warming up with him that way… But he could also understand if it was that. After all, she had a lot to work through after the year she'd had. No, they had a lot to work through, 'even' or not. He smiled at her once again, making sure that the look on his face was sincere.
"Hey, sorry, I…" he started, but this time it was her that seemed to anticipate his words, and she shook her head at him.
"Don't worry," she said before he had a chance to continue. "As much as I'm pretty sure that that would be skipping, well, a lot of steps, it would be a very easy choice. And, just so we're clear, I would not choose freezing to death."
"That's very reassuring," he told her with a smile. After a pause of only a few seconds, he was chuckling once again. "It's like every high school boy's dream come true," he said softly, unable to remain too serious because what they were talking about was exactly that. He was attempting to keep her calm by acting casually, which seemed to be working so far. "Take off your clothes if you want to live," he said dramatically, imitating what Jane supposed must be a caricature of a high school boy.
She rolled her eyes at him, shaking her head. "Somehow I suddenly don't mind the fact that I don't remember high school," she chuckled.
"I only wish I didn't remember high school," Kurt said before he could stop himself. Really, he'd done well enough at military school, had earned honors and scholarships, but he'd never been happy. After all, he'd stopped being happy at the age of ten. After that, he'd always been worried about Sarah – who was at home with their dad – had been devastated by the loss of Taylor, and angry – so very angry – with the man who he had been convinced had killed his best friend. From that time on, he'd been an uptight kid in general – the good memories from his childhood, after the age of ten, were few and far between… if they even existed at all. He'd blocked it all out, for the most part. It was easier that way.
"So what you're saying is… this is better than high school?" she asked him with a small smile, attempting to tread carefully. She knew that his life from the age of ten had been consumed by the loss of Taylor, and how sensitive a topic it was – she was – not only because of the girl herself, but because of the role that the little girl had played in almost tearing Jane and Kurt apart for good. No, Kurt never talked about his childhood if he could help it, so Jane understood all too well the weight of anything he did say about it.
"Well," he said slowly, "you weren't there when I was in high school, but you're here now…" He paused, looking into her eyes and wondering where exactly she had been when he was in high school. He couldn't be sure, obviously, but probably somewhere already being brainwashed… her childhood had arguably been even harder than his, after all, and he hated to think of any of it happening to her – even though it was in the past, and she remembered almost none of it. Pushing a strand of hair that had fallen into her face once more back behind her ear again, and then moving his hand back to the middle of her back, he said, "…so yes, this is better."
Her eyes sparkled, even more so when a smile overtook her face at his words, and he felt happy simply knowing that he could bring such a genuine smile to her face.
"Even with the chance of freezing to death?" she whispered.
"Absolutely," he said softly. "Still no contest." He watched her smile, and blush a little, and despite the danger of their situation, he couldn't help but think that somehow, he was actually enjoying himself.
That's weird, you know that right? the voice in his head asked him, but that only made him smile at her more.
As they talked, he noticed that now that the car had been off for a little while, while the rest of him was warm, he was beginning to feel the chill that was creeping into the air on his cheeks. "This might seem… weird, I guess… but if you don't mind, I'm going to put the blanket all the way over our heads for a while, to help trap the heat. It might get a little stuffy, but we can always lift the blanket up in a little while… I'd rather have too much warm air than not enough."
"Okay," she said uncertainly, not crazy about the idea of not being able to look into his eyes. Doing that was part of what was keeping her calm, after all.
He's not going anywhere, she reminded herself. It's not as though you don't know where he is. You're lying on top of him for goodness' sake.
Luckily, the wool blanket was extra long, so with only a little bit of scooting farther into the sleeping bag, which he accomplished even with her on top of him – she simply held on to his middle when he moved – he was able to tug the blanket far enough up to go all the way over his head. Once he stopped moving, and everything had plunged into darkness, he felt her tense up again. Even just from her breathing, which was faster than it had been a minute before, he could tell that she was nervous once again.
"You're doing great, Jane," he said encouragingly. He pulled his right hand up around the back of her shoulders, so that his hand rested squarely on her left shoulder, and let his left hand move in circles in the middle of her back. In only a few minutes she felt herself relax, and found herself repeating silently what Kurt had said about the importance of staying calm in this situation. It made sense, she supposed, since their bodies would be working hard to combat the cold, and additional stresses certainly wouldn't help.
She laid her right hand flat against his chest, and rested her chin against it gently. Since she was no longer able to see him, there was something comforting about feeling the fleece that she knew he was wearing, there under the palm of her gloved hand. "So is this what you do with all the girls, Weller? Invite them to come home with you, then park along the side of the road in the middle of a snowstorm?"
There was a rumbling beneath her hand as he chuckled, and he said, "I'd say I'm offended by your lack of confidence in my ability to think of original date ideas, but my ideas are actually a lot worse than this." She laughed outright then, noting the amount of effort that he was putting into keeping things light, and keeping her calm. He was working even harder at it than she was, it seemed.
"Worse than stuck in a snowstorm, huh?" she asked with a laugh. "Hey, this is a lot better than a lot of places I've been this year…" He was silent, surprised and unsure of what to say in reply as her words staggered towards dangerous territory. However, when she spoke again, her words careened wildly back to a different kind of perilous topic altogether. Them – whatever that meant."And… hey, wait… so is this a date, then?" Jane asked teasingly.
When there was no response, she wondered if she'd just put her foot in her mouth. "Hey Kurt, I was kidding," she said into the darkness, now really wishing she could see his face.
Hearing him chuckle softly in reply, and she relaxed once again. "It's not exactly the first date I was envisioning."
"Oh, so you've been envisioning us going on a date, have you?" she teased, unable to resist pushing the subject a little farther.
For a few seconds he was surprised, as if she'd just tricked information out of him somehow, and then he just laughed. "You never stop, do you?" he asked her, echoing words that he'd said to her long ago, when he'd had an equally fond look on his face – even though she couldn't see the one on his face now. Somehow, she could hear it in his voice.
"I guess I don't," she said without missing a beat, smiling warmly. She laid her head down with her cheek against the soft fleece he was wearing, listening to his heartbeat. Sighing in contentment, she felt Kurt's hand, the one that had rested on her shoulder, moving across to her neck, slowly and gently through her hair, ending up on top of her head and then smoothing her hair back, then moving back to the top of her head and repeating the motion slowly, over and over.
This time she didn't have to convince herself to concentrate on that moment. There was literally nothing else in the world that she wanted to think about. Only Kurt.