A/N: Thanks for your reviews.
Chapter 5- Unexpected Guest
"Close your mouth before you draw flies," the spirit stated as Johanna continued to stare, the clothes basket lying on its side on the floor by her feet.
"What are you doing here?" Johanna asked when she finally managed to find her voice.
"Don't play stupid, you know why I'm here. Were you expecting someone else?"
"Kind of," she answered; unsure of if she should be relieved about being wrong about who her visitor would be or if she should remain slightly on edge.
"Who did you expect?"
"My father."
"Sorry to disappoint you," the spirit quipped, but the tone the comment carried contained a hint of sarcasm, making Johanna realize that there was no true apologetic feeling behind it.
"I'm not disappointed…just surprised."
Her visitor smirked. "I figured you would be. Are you going to stand there in the doorway and gawk all day or are you going to come in and stop acting like a ninny?"
Johanna's eyes narrowed, a smirk of her own curling the corner of her lips upward as she regarded the woman standing in her living room. Her feet carried her forward as the woman swiped her fingers across the shelf of the bookcase.
"You ought to think about making dusting one of your hobbies," Elizabeth Beckett stated.
"I just dusted those shelves two days ago," Johanna retorted.
Elizabeth scoffed. "Next time get the cloth closer to the shelf and maybe it'll look like you accomplished something."
"It's nice to see that the afterlife hasn't robbed you of the ability to be a bitch, Lizzie."
Another signature smirk spread across Elizabeth's face. "You wouldn't want it any other way."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes, I am. Someone has to piss you off."
"Plenty of people piss me off."
Her mother-in-law scoffed. "And yet you let them get away with it. You never let me get away with anything."
"That's what you think," Johanna remarked as she watched Elizabeth settle down in the recliner.
"Don't act like you held back with me. All it took sometimes was a look to set your hoity toity behind on fire. You used to be a fighter, now you're just a wimp."
"I am not!"
"Yes, you are. You used to have fire and grit. You were sharp tongued and defiant…and now you're…this," Elizabeth remarked in disgust, waving a hand in Johanna's direction. "I'm so disappointed."
Her temper flared. "You say that like you were ever proud of me to begin with. Disappointment isn't a new feeling for you. You were 'disappointed' with Jim's friendship with me. You were even more 'disappointed' when he started dating me…and you damn near had a stroke when he announced he was marrying me, so I'd say you should be used to the feeling of disappointment by now."
Elizabeth's lips pursed as she regarded her daughter-in-law for a long moment. "There were times when I was proud."
"Right," she laughed. "What day was that?"
"The day you gave me a granddaughter; how you let me have an active role in her life, equal time in relation to your own parents. You never tried to influence her opinion or affection of me no matter what was between us. You never gave my son an ultimatum to choose between us. I was proud that day you brought six-month-old Katie and came to that garden club family event; you were the only one who came…and while you were there, you told off Virginia Conway for the way she was treating me; I was also proud that after you told her that her shoes were vomit inducing that Katie took her cue and spit up on them."
Johanna laughed as that memory rolled through her mind. "That was a thing of beauty. I'd never been so happy to see her spit up."
Elizabeth nodded, a smile spreading across her face. "It was perfect. There were other moments when I was proud too…although I'm sure you'd find it hard to believe."
"That's probably the truth," she replied as she settled down on the sofa. "I'm finding it a little hard to believe that you're sitting in my living room. I didn't really expect you to be on the guest list."
"Sometimes I like to surprise you."
She smirked a little. "Yeah; you do have a history of surprises…not all of them pleasant."
"Do you want me to ease your mind with one of those warnings like in those sci-fi movies the boys always liked to watch? Do you want me to tell you I've come in peace?"
"Only if you've really come in peace."
"Of course I've come in peace! Do you think I'd be here otherwise?"
"It's hard to tell with you, Liz. Why are you here?"
"I have my reasons," Elizabeth remarked.
Johanna shifted in her seat. "Well, let's get to it. What's reason number one?"
"You always did like to be the one who called the shots," her mother-in-law retorted.
"You'll have to forgive me; I'm new at this 'being visited by ghosts' thing. If you want to call the shots, by all means, do so."
"That's more like it," Elizabeth said as she brushed a hand against the skirt of her dress. "I do have one bone to pick with you before we move on to other things."
"Oh God," she muttered. "What?"
"You need to quit saying that I'm sitting up there laughing at you," Elizabeth remarked as she jabbed a finger in her direction. "Because I'm not."
"Why not?" Johanna asked. "I proved you right. You always told Jim that I was trouble; that I'd cause him nothing but grief. You were right. I've caused him a lot of trouble, grief and heartache. You had me pegged, Elizabeth; I'm not good enough for him. He deserved better than me," she stated, tears pooling in her eyes as her voice cracked.
Elizabeth sighed as she folded her hands primly. "It's hard for any woman to see another woman as being completely good enough for her son. Even a queen wouldn't be completely good enough…she'd have some flaw, some fault. Just like in Jimmy's mind, no man will ever be completely good enough for Katie. Maybe you weren't always my cup of tea, Johanna; but you're good enough. My son picked the right woman to spend his life with…you're the woman he loves."
A soft scoff crossed her lips. "I'm also the woman who let him think I was dead for thirteen years and turned him into an alcoholic. Yeah; I'm real worthy of that love and loyalty. So don't sugar coat anything for me, Liz; just give it to me straight like you always did. I promised you I'd take care of him and I broke that promise…you have every right to rake me over the coals, because I deserve it this time. I deserve everything you ever said about me…and for what it's worth, I'm sorry. Hurting him," she said, a sob breaking free. "That was the worst feeling of my life and I'm always going to hate myself for it. Some days I don't even know why he took me back; I wouldn't have blamed him if he told me to go to hell. I'm a mess and he's stuck with it. He doesn't deserve that…he didn't deserve any of this."
"And you think you do?" Elizabeth asked. "Did you ask for any of this to happen, Johanna?"
"No; of course not; but it did…because I had to open the wrong letter and take that case."
"Taking the case was your job; there was no reason to think it would be any different than the hundreds of other cases you dealt with. Do you really think I'd believe that you'd leave him just to do it?"
She said nothing; her head lowered as she allowed the tears to fall.
"Come on, Johanna; I've known you a long time and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that you'd never willingly leave my son on your own accord. You didn't break your promise to me; you took care of Jimmy. You left him to keep him safe; because you were afraid that the trouble that had come for you would swallow up him and Katie too; they even warned you that it was a possibility if you didn't play your cards right. You left to protect my son and my granddaughter and I don't hold that against you. Jimmy took you back because he knows you'd never leave unless you had to. He took you back because he loves you; and maybe you do have a few issues right now and sometimes he gets frustrated…but his frustration comes from the fact that he loves you and wants to fix every little problem you have; he always has wanted to be the person who fixed every single little thing that dared to make you sigh in distress. It's not you that frustrates him at times; it's the fact that he hasn't found a solution to whatever ails you. He wants to be your knight in shining armor."
"He's always been my knight in shining armor."
"And he always will be," Elizabeth remarked. "He's never going to regret the choice he made to let you come home, so you need to stop worrying that he's going to change his mind. He's never changed his mind about you…why would he start now? You two squabble once in awhile; but you always have. You're a passionate couple, nothing has changed…and you know, a little fight once in awhile is good for a marriage. It gets things out. Don't be afraid of it. For God's sake, Johanna; be yourself."
She scoffed. "Why don't you be yourself? Where's my mother-in-law?"
"What the hell are you talking about? I'm right here in front of you, you ninny."
"You're not being you…you're being…nice."
"I've been nice to you before!" Elizabeth exclaimed.
"Yeah, but this is the weird kind of nice."
"How is it weird!?" she thundered.
"Because you should hate me like you always do!" Johanna yelled. "Why aren't you calling me names and telling me how right you were about me? Where's my Elizabeth?"
"She's right here," the spirit remarked. "You want a dose of how it was, fine; I'll give it to you. You're hardheaded, stubborn, sometimes arrogant, mouthy, overly sensitive, and sometimes dramatic. You're sharp tongued, sometimes impulsive and always ready for a fight. You're too smart for your own good, you're soft hearted for your own good and you have a tendency to let people walk on you when you feel like you deserve it. You're needy. You have a hard time finding balance in every aspect until you can get your feet planted firmly on the ground. Sometimes you try too hard, sometimes you don't try enough and once in awhile you're nosy. You're still a little prissy, you can be aggravating, and you can go from zero to bitch in about three seconds flat."
"That's more like it," Johanna said as she swiped at her cheeks.
Elizabeth eyed her. "You're also intelligent in the right ways, compassionate, loving and fiercely protective of the things you love and hold dear. You're a good wife, a good mother; a good sister, aunt, friend, and whatever else anyone needed you to be. We had our issues…we didn't always get along…but Jimmy made you family…and I got used to you. I even learned to love you."
Johanna's head snapped up at the remark. "Oh God, I really am dying or losing my mind."
Her mother-in-law shook her head. "Neither; you're sane and you're not going anywhere. I do love you in my own way, Johanna; just like you love me in your own way…and don't bother trying to deny it. I heard you that day in the hospital…that day you promised to take care of Jimmy. You thought I was asleep when you left, but I was still somewhat lucid. You kissed my cheek and you said 'I love you, Liz'."
Her fingers toyed with the hem of her shirt. "Seems strange doesn't it? All the battles we had…all the things we said about each other."
"Strange to hear it said out loud…yes," Elizabeth replied. "But I'd like to think that maybe once in awhile you could feel it…like I could feel yours."
She nodded. "I felt it sometimes when I was pregnant with Katie and right after she was born…but I always told myself not to get use to it, that the peace wouldn't last for long."
A hint of a smile tugged at Elizabeth's lips. "We had some good fights."
Johanna laughed softly. "Yeah, we did."
"Maybe it wasn't always a bad thing…maybe we needed each other to let those things out on."
"Maybe," she agreed. "Maybe we were each other's pressure valve."
"Perhaps…and maybe there was just a part of us that liked it," Elizabeth remarked. "Maybe it was nice to know that a good sparring partner was only a phone call or dinner away."
Her head bobbed in agreement. "We're sick people if we got enjoyment from petty arguments."
Elizabeth shrugged. "Everyone needs a hobby."
"True," she said with a soft laugh.
Her mother-in-law caught her eye. "It wasn't all bad between us, was it?"
"No; I guess not. We had some good times…nice memories too; like when you rescued me from my new mommy breakdown."
Elizabeth smiled. "You were just overly tired. A relaxing bath and a long nap and you were fine."
"Don't forget the lecture you gave my husband."
"Oh yes," she laughed. "Jimmy was falling down on the job; I put him back on the straight and narrow for you."
"I appreciated it…I appreciated everything you did for me that day. You took care of Katie and finished my laundry and washed my dishes. In that moment of time, it felt like winning the lottery."
"You returned the favor," Elizabeth remarked. "When we lost Robert…you cleaned my house, cooked meals, handled phone calls…and didn't strangle me when I moved into your guest room every few weeks for those first few months."
Johanna sighed. "That time you stayed for a week I thought about strangling you a little."
She smiled. "I know…I think that's how I knew we were all healing…and that I was going to be alright. Believe me; too many weeks of you not wanting to strangle me could be just as disconcerting to me as my niceness could be to you."
"I guess it was a weird relationship but it worked for us."
"Yes, it did; once we accepted that neither one of us was going away."
Johanna breathed deeply. "I just wish everything hadn't gone so horribly wrong after you were gone."
"I know that…and you can't really believe that I'd ever want you dead, Johanna."
She glanced at her, a hint of a wry smile on her lips. "Well you did serve me pecan laced food after learning that I'm allergic to pecans."
Elizabeth waved a dismissive hand at her. "It's a mild allergy; you itched a little but you were fine."
"But still," she replied. "What if it had been more serious?"
"It wasn't."
"You're still not sorry?"
Elizabeth sighed. "Alright, if you insist; I'm sorry I served you a Thanksgiving dinner that was laced with pecans…just to see if you really had an allergy or if you were just a picky eater."
"Why would I lie about something like that?!" Johanna exclaimed.
She shrugged. "People lie about all sorts of things all the time."
"I wouldn't lie about a food allergy. I hadn't had a reaction since I was a kid, it could've been worse."
Elizabeth's palms turned upwards. "But it wasn't; you're fine. It isn't like I tried to poison you."
Johanna arched a brow at her.
"Alright, it isn't like I tried to poison you all the time. It was just that once and really, I just thought your allergy was a made-up excuse not to eat pecans…and I didn't like my son coming into my kitchen telling me what kind of pie I could serve just because he had invited you, without my permission, mind you; and so maybe my annoyance led me to buy the pecans."
"It was my understanding that you had given your permission or I wouldn't have come," Johanna remarked. "Jim told me he talked to both of you about it and you both agreed to it, although I admit I figured you agreed to it grudgingly. If I would've known you were going to resort to pecan laced food, I would've gone to my parents and put up with my sister's in-laws who for some unfathomable reason were invited that year."
"You hated them enough to choose dinner with me?" Elizabeth asked.
She nodded. "Yes; Lizzie; you were the lesser of two evils when put up beside my sister's mother-in-law. In all honesty I intended to stay home and make my own dinner but Jim didn't think much of that idea…and then after your little stunt, he felt so guilty for taking me to your house."
"Hmm, your sister's mother-in-law must be a real piece of work."
"Oh she is; and you know what's worse; my mother's gone; you're gone, and Millicent Weston is still kicking…I would've thought someone would've poisoned her by now. I guess God doesn't want to put up with her and the devil doesn't want her either; so she gets to stay here and be her nasty self from what I hear."
"It's nice to know that I was preferable over her," Elizabeth remarked.
"You're preferable over several people I know…even when keeping your pecan stunt in mind."
"I'm sorry; I shouldn't have fed you pecans."
A hint of a smile tugged at her lips; it was rare to hear her mother-in-law apologize. "It's alright; I forgave you a long time ago for that. I also forgave you for that disastrous dinner that made me briefly put my engagement on hold."
Elizabeth glanced away. "That was a bad time for me and Jimmy. He threatened to disown me if things didn't work out."
"You really hurt me that night," Johanna murmured. "The way you were talking about my family…you didn't even know them. I could take it when it was just about me…but you had to bring my father into it…and he might've had his faults but he was still my father and I couldn't let you sit there and talk about him like that."
"I know," she said quietly. "He didn't care much for me and he wasn't exactly my cup of tea either but you're right, he was your father and you had a right to get defensive. Naomi and I had words on occasion when we first met but she was a good woman and I liked her…I was glad that for the most part we were able to have an amicable relationship."
Johanna rubbed her fingers against the arm of the sofa. "You almost got me to change my mind…you almost succeeded at convincing me that I wasn't good enough for Jim and that I didn't have a place in your family. I didn't want to come between him and his family…you almost got your wish, Elizabeth."
She sighed. "I'm glad I didn't…I wouldn't have had my granddaughter if you had changed your mind…and I would've lost my son. I wouldn't have been able to live with that."
"I wouldn't have been able to live with letting you win like that," Johanna admitted. "I couldn't let you take away the most beautiful thing I had in my life. I wanted to marry him and I couldn't let you stop me."
"You did the right thing."
"You didn't seem to think so at the time; you wore black to the wedding."
Her mother-in-law eyed her. "This visit really isn't supposed to be a listing of the things I did to you."
"I thought we were just making conversation…clearing up old grievances. Why else would you be here? Why are you visiting me anyway? I wouldn't expect you to volunteer."
"I came to talk."
"And yet you seem to be implying that I'm doing that wrong."
"I'm not here to talk about me; I'm here to talk about you and Jimmy."
"Jim and I are fine," she replied.
Elizabeth's brow rose. "Are you?"
Her stomach started to knot. "As far as I know we are…do you know something I don't? Is something bad coming? Is he going to change his mind? Is he leaving me? Is it because I'm not bouncing back fast enough? I'm trying; really I am. I'll try harder…I'll…"
"Stop!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "I didn't say anything like that."
"It feels implied!"
"Everything always does to you."
"I can't imagine why," Johanna remarked as she wrapped her arms around her stomach and slightly rocked herself.
"When you do that you remind of when Madelyn was a teenager and would get her monthly…and you're too old for monthlies."
Johanna glared at her. "Yes; I know; it's been nine years, but you managed to bring back the memory of sudden cramps and a headache. I can't thank you enough."
"Oh stop; you're fine. You panic so easily; you need to get a grip on that."
"You were implying that my marriage was in trouble…I'm never not going to panic about that. I don't want to lose Jim; I already had to live without him once and I don't want to do it again."
"He's not going anywhere…it's just that the two of you tend to tip toe around each other in some ways."
"We do not; you said yourself that we have squabbles. We're not tip-toeing."
"Yes, you are…and I know why you do."
She smirked. "Is that right, oh wise one?"
Elizabeth's lips curled into a hint of a smile. "Oh my, here comes the hell cat…it's much more preferable than the scaredy cat."
Johanna gave a bitter laugh. "You're going to let your bitch show now, nice. You always were good at lulling me into a false sense of security…I can only hope you haven't laced the food in my kitchen with pecans."
"Your food is perfectly safe and un-tampered with. You're afraid to push too much with Jimmy…you fear him leaving…but you fear something else too."
She shifted in her seat. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Elizabeth jabbed a finger in her direction. "Don't lie to me, girl! We both know what you're afraid of. You're afraid because he's had a past problem with alcohol."
"I'm not constantly afraid of that!"
"But you are somewhat afraid of it?"
She clamped her lips shut, refusing to answer.
"Well, come on, out with it…I already know the truth so why bother trying to hold it in?"
"Of course I get afraid," Johanna said sharply. "Of course I worry sometimes; I'm the person that drove him to drink so how the hell can you expect me not to worry once in awhile! And for that matter, why aren't you reading me the riot act for doing that to him? For making him fall into that habit? Shouldn't you be telling me what a horrible human being I am? If anyone would have the right to, it would be you, you are his mother after all and I know it wouldn't have been easy for you to sit up there and watch it happen to him. So go ahead and let me have it!"
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"It's not your fault that Jimmy turned to the bottle as a vice," Elizabeth remarked.
"How can you say that!" she exclaimed. "If I had been here, he would've had no reason to do that!"
Her mother-in-law eyed her. "You know that's not true, Johanna. Jimmy didn't just pick up that habit on a whim; there were signs of it before. You saw it in him before…there was a time when Katie was little that he started drinking a lot. It worried you…it worried you so much that you confided in me that you were afraid that there might be a problem. It was a serious situation; it had to be for you to bring it to me. He already had the seeds of a problem back then…and you had nothing to do with it. It was work and stress and whatever other little things was on his mind back then but it wasn't you."
Johanna breathed deeply. "But even back then I felt like it was me…that maybe if I had done something better, he wouldn't have needed to start down that road."
"You're not the root of all evil, Johanna. Not every bad thing in the world is your fault or your doing. You have to stop taking responsibility for everything that goes wrong. Jimmy had a problem back then…and yes, he used losing you as his excuse to slip back into it a second time. It was worse that time…."
"Because I wasn't here to stop it like the last time," she interrupted.
Elizabeth's eyes narrowed. "He's a grown man, he makes his own choices. Yes, the first time around, you gave him an ultimatum and he made his choice to give himself a limit and to start finding other ways to blow off steam. He didn't want to lose you. You were his excuse to quit. When you weren't there to tell him to quit, he saw no reason to…he made the decision; because it took awhile for Katie to figure out what to do to make him stop. She had to threaten to walk away and never come back. She had to give the same ultimatum that you did. He didn't want to lose his daughter, he got help. Both times he had to make the decision of what was more important to him. He made the choices; the choice to start and the choice to stop."
"The second time is always going to be my fault no matter who sugar coats it…and having you sugar coat things is far from comforting. It just makes me feel like it's my fault even more and that you're just some kind of odd Elizabeth clone in ghost form that was sent here to try to brainwash me into thinking the way people think I should."
"You need to stop watching so much television," her mother-in-law retorted. "You used to have more sense. I'm not sugar coating a damn thing, Johanna. I'm telling you the truth…just as Jimmy has tried to explain to you numerous times but you're so bent on carrying the blame, the guilt, the grief that you can't accept logical explanations and the fact that you've been forgiven for what you had to do. The way people act in relation to your choices isn't your burden to carry; that's on them. Jim chose the bottle; Katie chose the police academy. You wouldn't have wanted them to do either one of those things; but even if you hadn't had to leave, there still might've been something somewhere that drove him to drinking heavily again. Something may have still happened to drive Katie toward a career with the police. You didn't change them; they changed themselves. You have to stop carrying all of that on your shoulders. I know it eats you up inside to know what Jimmy went through while you were away; but he's talked to you about it, he's tried desperately to absolve you of the guilt you feel and he tries very hard to ignore the fact that he knows you worry about causing him to backslide…because he knows he isn't going to. He has no desire to ever go down that road again; he doesn't want to do that to himself or you and Katie. You have to stop worrying so much; you're going to drive yourself crazy."
Johanna's brow rose. "I'm sitting here talking to a ghost; I think I already crossed the line into crazy town."
"Oh you have not; don't make me slap you silly…and believe me, I can if I want to…and the urge gets strong every so often."
"Now you're being my mother-in-law again."
Elizabeth sighed and shook her head. "Johanna; I'm going to tell you why Jimmy always reached for a drink when something went wrong. He did that because that's what he grew up seeing men do…it's what Robert always did. I wouldn't say Robert had a major problem but when something went wrong at home or at work, he had to have a drink…sometimes more than one. He had to have a drink when things were bad, he had to have a drink to celebrate good things, he had to have a drink on the holidays…he had to have a fridge in the garage so he could have beer while he worked on the car…he had to have a nightcap every night. I'm not saying that he was always drinking to excess on those occasions; he didn't…but there were times when he did…just like his father before him. My father drank a lot too; it's part of what made him so mean and hateful. Jimmy grew up seeing Robert drink when things were bad; he saw his grandfathers exhibit that same behavior…he grew up thinking that when times got tough, you just poured a few drinks until it went away. They weren't bad men, neither is Jimmy; but that's how all of them chose to deal with their problems in those first moments of a crisis. There was always the mentality of 'I'll have a drink and I'll feel better'. Maybe it's something that trickles down through the lines; maybe it's the times they were all brought up in; but Johanna; Jimmy's instinct to drink didn't come from you; it came from the men he learned from."
"Robert wasn't an alcoholic."
"What makes you so sure? Because you never saw him falling down drunk? Well believe me, I have. He was usually a happy drunk when he'd go to extremes…but he could also get mean depending on what he drank. Those occasions didn't happen so much once he was older and he felt more comfortable about various things; but like I said, he still drank for any occasion that called for it. Just because he didn't always get drunk doesn't mean that he didn't have some sort of dependence upon alcohol."
That did make sense in some ways, Johanna thought to herself. "Why didn't you ever say any of that when I came to you that one time and told you what was going on?" she asked her mother-in-law.
Elizabeth twisted her hands. "Maybe because I was afraid of acknowledging it…afraid to accept the thought that maybe it was mine and Robert's fault. All of our boys loved their drinks; they drink when they're unhappy; they drink to have fun, they drink to celebrate. They're not bad people, and for the most part they all keep their habits in check…but sometimes things happen and Jimmy's chosen vice was a learned behavior. He knew it was wrong but he thought he had control of it; he didn't. Maybe back when you came to me, I felt like I had control of all of Robert's habits because I took away most of his liquor after he had that heart attack. Oh I know he still snuck his beer and once in awhile he'd come home from a business meeting with scotch on his breath, but I felt like the danger had passed for him to have a serious problem. I wasn't ready to think too much about that danger coming to my son. I just tried to give you the best advice I could…and I prayed that you'd be able to get through to him and pull him out of it, or at least give him what he needed to pull himself out of it."
"I just worry that I'll do something to make him go back to it…I don't want to destroy the progress he made."
"You're not; he's in control…he has no reason to backtrack. He's doing fine; he made you a promise and he'll keep it. You have to let it go; he doesn't want you carrying the guilt for a choice he made. Like he told you before; even if none of this had happened; he could've still fell into that pit over something else."
"It's hard to believe that at times though. I feel like I'm so terrible for him. I love him so much…and yet I bring out bad things in him that almost made him destroy himself."
"That destruction would've been by his own hand, not yours. The thing about loving people is that you bring out the best in each other…and also the worst. Don't you think Jimmy brings out the worst in you sometimes? What about that temper of yours? He can fire that up pretty fast."
"I know," she sighed. "He's good at making me lose control…of making me jealous…."
"Making you feel worse when he's trying to make you feel better," Elizabeth supplied.
"Sometimes," she murmured. "I don't want him to think that I see those past problems as a weakness; because I don't. He's as strong as he's ever been in my eyes, maybe even more so now with all he's had to deal with all of this. I don't want him to think that it makes me look at him any differently; because it doesn't…I just can't help but worry about him sometimes…I just worry that all of this stress could make him think about it, you know? And then I worry that worrying about those things means that maybe I do see him in a different way in that area and I don't like that feeling because I really don't feel like I do; he's the same man to me he's always been but I worry…."
Elizabeth held up a hand to stop the gush of words that had suddenly slipped through Johanna's lips. "It's alright to worry about it, Johanna; you wouldn't be normal if you didn't. Worrying doesn't mean that you see him any differently; it means you love him and don't want to see him go back to bad habits…but you have to learn to deal with that worry and those feelings; it gives you anxiety that you don't need. There's no sign of any trouble brewing in that area; so try to relax and let go of it a little. You could always talk to him about it, you know; it might make you feel better."
Johanna breathed deeply. "Sometimes I want to…but I get afraid of upsetting him about it…and maybe I feel like I have no right since I wasn't here to deal with it first hand."
"That doesn't mean that it hasn't affected you," Elizabeth stated. "It's a part of your life now; you have to learn to deal with it just as Jim and Katie have had to. You have to go through that process of learning how to deal with the knowledge of that problem. Jimmy will talk about it with you if you need to; all you have to do is open the door."
"It's hard to broach that subject," she admitted quietly. "I never know how to begin so I just don't."
Elizabeth gave a nod of understanding. "I know, it's not an easy topic to bring up…but you've made it through worse topics; like when you first came home. Even if it's awkward at first, once you start you'll be able to say what you need to. He's not going to get angry. Talking about it might make you feel better; it might ease your worries."
"I guess I can try."
"Yes, you could do a lot better in the trying department. He has worries too, you know."
Johanna's eyes widened, her gaze meeting Elizabeth's as her heart pounded. "About drinking?"
"No!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "I didn't mean that; I apologize for my wording. I mean that he worries about you being out on your own."
"I know…that's been a little bit of a tough road for both of us. I know he doesn't like it but he knows I have to do it and he encourages it. I don't really like going out by myself, but again, I have to do it."
"It gets frustrating though, doesn't it?"
"What?"
"His insistence on knowing every move you make…especially during those moments when you forget to make a call saying you're running to the store or when you tell him you've been somewhere he doesn't like for you to be…like the cemetery or window shopping."
"I understand though when he gets upset about those things."
"Understanding doesn't mean it doesn't get frustrating."
"I can deal with it."
"Jimmy's always liked to have control of everything in his world; not that I'm saying he controls you; God knows he could never do that," Elizabeth remarked.
"I know what you mean," Johanna replied. "I've had the same thoughts myself; he doesn't control people, he just wants to control circumstances."
"Exactly…it's not easy for him not to have as much control in that area as he'd like. When you were staying home, he'd take you out once in awhile and feel like he was furthering your progress and also maintaining control of the situations you'd be in…when you're out there on your own, he has no control."
"I'm doing the best I can to always make sure he's informed and that he's reassured that I'm coming back home," she said evenly; wondering if this would be where Elizabeth lectured her about how she was handling things with Jim.
"I know; but my point was that it can be frustrating when someone is trying to hold onto control of something."
"I'm fine...and Jim's fine too."
Elizabeth's brow rose. "He's tracking your phone."
Johanna held her gaze. "I already know about Jim's little tracking app."
Surprise flicked across Elizabeth's features. "You do?"
"Yes."
"How do you know?"
"I found it on his phone by accident one day. He was telling me about some picture on his phone one night and he told me I could look at it while he was in the shower. After I found the picture, I was looking at the apps on his phone and saw this game that looked interesting and thought I'd try it…instead of a game, the tracking feature came to life and after a moment of looking it over, I realized that it was tracking my phone."
"And you haven't said a word about it to him?" her mother-in-law asked in surprise. "I would've thought that if you had known, you would've blown your stack."
"If it had happened at a different time with none of this chaos in our lives I would have…but I can't now. I don't see it as him having some kind of mistrust in me…I see it as his way of trying to make sure I'm safe by knowing where I am all the time."
"So you're just going to let him get away with it?"
She nodded. "For now."
"Why!?"
"Because it isn't hurting anything if it makes him feel better and eases his mind a little…and honestly, it makes me feel a little better too to know he can look at a dot on the screen and know where I am as long as my phone is on."
"I'm not sure that's the right attitude to take; I brought it up to drive home my original point."
"What are you getting at, Liz?" she asked somewhat defensively.
"I'm saying that you need to quit tip toeing around him and let him know when you're angry or frustrated with his behavior."
"We have our squabbles," she retorted.
"And you tie yourself in knots over them. You're so afraid he's going to leave you…and he's not."
"Yeah; well, I'm still working through that fear, just like he's working through his, so he can have his app and I can grin and bear a few things to keep from rocking the boat, okay?"
Her mother-in-law shook her head. "It'll bite you in the ass one day."
Johanna laughed. "Yet another title for my autobiography one day; Bit In the Ass, Again."
"You two are going to have a big fight one day, Johanna. He won't leave you, but eventually you're going to explode, either over his need for control or over his little digs he throws once in awhile when things get tough. I know you; you can only be pushed so far."
"He's in no danger of pushing me to any breaking points."
"Yet," Elizabeth remarked knowingly. "And who said it would be him pushing you to yours? He might hit a breaking point of his own and it'll end up setting you off because you've held back so long."
"I'll do my best to keep that from happening. I know Jim's frustrated with the media attention and the fact that every time we seem to be getting a break Bracken's brother puts something else out there to whip up all the attention again. I know he hates it, so do I…I know he's frustrated about how it affects me and makes me cautious about going out sometimes…and paranoid; I'm doing the best I can. I try to keep from showing him my irrational fears too much. If I could make everything easier for him, I would. If I could go back in time and keep this all from happening I would in a heartbeat. Don't you think all the attention drives me crazy too? Don't you think I'm tired of it? I get frustrated too you know? I get so tired of being constantly reminded of what I did and why I did it. I just want it to go away. I can't snap my fingers and make everything better but I'm trying and everyone wants to act like it isn't good enough; well I don't feel like anyone has the right to judge me until they've had to walk in my shoes and deal with what I've had to deal with!"
Elizabeth's blue-grey eyes gleamed. "See; it's simmering in there…it's like a volcano that's dormant for so many years and then one day they just explode without warning. You're going to blow your stack like you haven't done in years. They might have to declare a state of emergency once you hit that point…because when you do; you're going to set this city on fire."
"That's a comforting thought," Johanna said sarcastically. "I really hope you're wrong."
"Don't bet on it. You know how you are; you know you have it all bottled up inside. You might be overly emotional and you might shed a lot of tears but that doesn't mean you're really letting it out like you need to. You're a little like me in that regard."
"You're going to get insulting now?" she interrupted.
Elizabeth narrowed her eyes at her. "Well you know what they say; boys always marry girls that remind them of their mothers in some way."
"Now that was uncalled for, you old bag," Johanna replied.
Her mother-in-law laughed. "I think it was well deserved but getting back to what I was saying; you are a little like me in that regard. We're not women who can be fully relieved of the burdens we carry by just shedding a few tears. We have to get angry…we have to yell, we have to say unladylike things under our breaths…or in your case, out loud…."
"Oh like you've never said a few four letter words; I've heard them come rolling off your lips several times."
"We're not talking about me," Elizabeth remarked. "We're talking about you. You've got two temperamental heritages in you…you're a temperamental woman. You've got to get pissed off enough to start making a comeback…and you will, you mark my words; but as I've mentioned, there are things you can do in the meantime…like talk to Jimmy no matter how awkward it feels for you."
"I just want to go back to being an anonymous citizen of this city," Johanna stated. "I just want to be a good wife, take care of my husband and my home; be a mother to my daughter, a good sister to my brother, a loving aunt to my nieces and nephews…and it would be nice to have an old friend come along and say 'hey, I get it and it doesn't matter, let's just get back to being who we always were', but I'm not holding out much hope on the friendship front."
"Don't be so sure," the other woman replied. "And you can be all those things; you already are…but you have to do more for you too. It can't just be about everyone else, Johanna; there has to be something for you. You don't have much control over some aspects of your life at the moment, but in other areas you can grab a hold of it and make things more solid. You can do it; you just have to give a little more effort."
She nodded in agreement although she wasn't quite sure what more she could do. It seemed like she was doing all she could at the moment.
"I'm not trying to be cruel to you, Johanna; I'm not discounting what you've been through. I know it's been traumatic. I just thought maybe given our history you could take these things better from me than you could from Naomi."
As much as it pained her to admit, she could take it from Elizabeth better, she thought to herself. Elizabeth's words didn't sting her the way her mother's had…Naomi wasn't good at tough love…and that was why it was hard for her to accept it when her mother used those tactics…but Elizabeth knew no other tactic than tough love; it was always her m.o. and anything else would've seemed odd from her. It was hard enough to accept that she was being somewhat nice about the way things had been.
"I just want you to feel better; I want you to find the part of yourself that's still missing. If you want everyone else to be happy, you have to be happy too; and before you even go off and start telling me that you are happy to be home with Jimmy and Katie, let me say that I know you are…but there are parts of you that aren't happy and you need to start mending those areas. Do you understand?"
"Yes," Johanna said softly. "I understand."
"Good; I'm glad you've decided not to be stubborn today."
Johanna smiled a little and allowed things to grow quiet between them for a few moments before she broke her silence. "When I first talked to Sarah, she gave me your message about how you're haunting Madelyn and she's too stupid to realize it."
Elizabeth nodded. "It's true; Madelyn is too stupid to notice; I might have to up the ante. I'm not happy with her, not just because she tore out my lilac bush, but a lot of other things as well. She's turned into a vile, hateful person…I believe she's far worse than I ever was."
"I'm inclined to agree with that," she remarked. "We had a few brief words one day when Katie and I were standing outside your house during a walk we were taking."
"I know," Elizabeth replied. "She's not the person Robert and I raised her to be…she's doing such hateful things…keep your eyes open when she's near, Johanna. Don't turn your back to her for a minute; she'll stab you in it. Be wary of her and her hostility."
Johanna studied her mother-in-law. "Can you tell me why?"
She shook her head. "No, I can't; I'm not talking of physical harm of course…but you should be wary. Just keep her in the back of your mind…keep your eyes open, if Jimmy has contact with her, make sure he doesn't say too much about your personal lives to her."
"They don't really talk much; usually only if she needs something. He's not happy with the reaction she gave him when he told her about me."
"He's smart to keep his distance. When she calls wanting him to help her fix something, remind her that she said she doesn't need him, that she has other brothers. Don't encourage him to go as you have before. Let her call a professional."
"Alright, Liz," Johanna said seriously. "I'll be careful where Madelyn is concerned…I think I may know in some way what you're driving at in terms of being wary of her…and if she goes down the road I'm thinking, Jim will never have anything to do with her ever again…he won't forgive her."
"And he shouldn't. Madelyn has a lot of misdeeds against her and she keeps digging deeper," Elizabeth stated. "Don't get caught in her web…keep her in mind and if need be, be ready to fight back against her…if you know what I mean."
"Fighting fire with fire," she murmured.
Elizabeth nodded. "I hope you have something on her…and I know, as her mother that's a terrible thing to say, but damn it, I can't condone the way she's living her life."
Johanna glanced at her. "I know she's had affairs with married men."
Her eyes widened. "What!?"
"It's the truth…that summer when Jim and I were dating and we went to the cabin for vacation and Michael and Natalie showed up as well as Madelyn; she provoked an argument with me a few nights later and during it she confessed that she had gone to the cabin with the intent on spending time with the married man she was seeing at the time…and there have been others."
"Why didn't you tell me?!" Elizabeth thundered.
"I didn't think you'd believe me."
Elizabeth's lips pressed into a thin line. "I knew that girl was hiding something…I knew she was up to no good and she's still up to no good. You keep it all in mind, Johanna; don't be afraid to use it if you have to."
She sighed. "I hope I don't have to go to war with her."
"If you do, you can handle it; and don't worry about Jimmy; he'll back you all the way and he won't care about cutting ties with her. They haven't been close in a long time."
"I know…I feel badly though for being the reason that he and Michael aren't as close as they used to be. They used to invite him to dinner but ever since he told them about me and that he let me come home, they haven't invited him. They talk once in awhile but not like they used to. I feel like I've taken his family from him in some ways."
She shook her head. "Don't; Jimmy would rather have you than a hundred invitations to dinner with them. It's not your fault if they can't understand or accept things. If Michael really loved his brother the way he claims, he'd be happy for him. Don't let them bother you; they'll pull their heads out of their asses eventually."
"I hope so for Jim's sake. I don't really care if they don't want anything to do with me, I just don't want them shunning him."
"Michael will come around, it might take a little time but he'll get off his high horse. I'm thankful that Andrew has the sense to stick with his brother, but then again, he's always stuck to Jimmy. When he learned to crawl he started following Jimmy around and he's never lost that affection for him."
"Andrew's a good man," Johanna agreed. "He's loyal to his brother. You raised two good men in Jim and Andrew, Elizabeth."
Elizabeth smiled a little. "Those two did turn out better than the rest in a lot of ways. Michael's not too bad; he's just got his head stuck up his ass as I mentioned. William…well…he's always been like his grandfather and it makes him difficult. Madelyn's turned into a disaster. I guess I went wrong somewhere with her. Jimmy and Andrew though…they're good boys. I'm just sorry that Andrew got mixed up with that harlot that broke his heart and left him with a baby to raise on his own."
Johanna gave a nod. "I only met Tori once or twice before I had to leave…I didn't care much for her either. I think Andrew felt a little lost once you and Robert were gone…I think he was just trying to find someone he could hold onto and he was in a hurry to create a family for himself because he felt alone. She did him so wrong…Gabby too. I'd like to get my hands on her for the way she's treated her daughter."
"Gabriella is better off without her," Elizabeth remarked. "I look after Gabriella of course…but I wish she would've been born sooner so I could've held her and been a real grandmother to her…I would've been there for her…I would've throttled her mother."
"I know you would've…you might've been stern and less than a ray of sunshine at times, but you always stayed involved with your grandchildren. I know you would've loved her. I'm sorry that I had to miss out on her first twelve years."
"You're here now though," her mother-in-law replied. "And I appreciate that you're taking her under your wing. Thirteen is a hard age for a girl, as you know, and she needs a woman she can depend on to answer those hard questions that she isn't going to want to discuss with Andrew and she surely doesn't want to talk about it with Madelyn. You'll be good for her…she might be good for you too. You both need each other; she needs an aunt to take care of the things her mother won't; and you need to be needed by someone other than Jimmy at times so you don't feel at loose ends. I think Jimmy knows that; that's why he's encouraging you to bond with her. Andrew wants you to be there for her too; he's terrified of a teenage daughter."
"I know," she said with a soft laugh. "But he's a good father and Jim gives him advice when he can."
"Yes, he does; but with Jimmy offering his support to Andrew and you being able to be there for Gabby for the 'girl stuff' so to speak that she's heading into, the two of you will be able to be an even better support system for them."
"We'll do whatever we can for Andrew and Gabby; we love them."
It grew quiet between for a long moment and Johanna began to wonder if maybe their visit was coming to an end, but then Elizabeth looked her way and spoke once more. "Katie's difficult," she stated, not bothering to embellish her statement or explain its meaning, not that she needed to explain.
Johanna gave a nod. "Yes; some days she is very difficult. She gets that from you."
Elizabeth scoffed. "Don't blame it all on my gene pool; take some credit for yourself…and Jimmy…and your father."
"Alright, I'll give you that one," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand.
"She's backed off a bit after all that progress you made; hasn't she?"
Johanna's eyes narrowed. "You already know so why state the obvious? She has pulled back and I know why. She mentioned recently during a tense moment over something she should've told me but didn't, that her excuse for doing so was that she didn't want to 'deal with me'."
"She apologized," Elizabeth remarked.
"I know and I accepted it; but saying you're sorry doesn't mean you didn't mean the words and I know she meant them. She doesn't want to deal with me…so I'm doing my very best not to step on her toes too much but that doesn't always seem to work out."
"That never seems to work out between a mother and her children; look at all the times Jimmy accused me of stepping on his toes."
Johanna eyed her. "You mean like when you walked into his apartment unannounced and called me a slut?"
"Being in a towel in the home of a man you're not married to at that time of the morning…and your clothes still on the floor from the night before, screams slutty behavior. If it quacks it's a duck; if it acts like a slut, it's a slut. You were being a slut, end of story."
"I am not a slut!" she declared.
"Based on the evidence I saw before the marriage took place, I say slut. Now if you'd been married at that time, I wouldn't have had reason to label you…but you weren't married, so therefore you were a slut."
"So once he married me I was no longer a slut?" Johanna asked.
Her mother-in-law pursed her lips. "I try not to think about what the two of you do in your spare time and what level of sluttiness you might still bring to the table for him."
"You're the one with five kids, Liz; you must've had some slutty moments of your own in your marriage."
"I never!" the spirit declared.
Johanna laughed; the urge to torment her springing to life. "Oh I think maybe you did; you protest way too much about it…and really, if you weren't doing something, I doubt Robert would've kept coming back enough to end up with five kids."
Elizabeth glared at her. "Shut up, you little harlot."
"Lighten up, Lizzie."
"I don't want to," she spat. "We're supposed to be talking about you, not me. Don't think I didn't notice that when Katie was mentioned that you tried to divert the topic."
She sighed. "I got the Katie lecture from my own mother, thank you very much."
"I wasn't lecturing; all I said was that she's difficult and that mother's aren't always good at not stepping on toes."
"Yeah; I know…but it felt like the buildup…you know, like those commercials on TV where they say 'but, wait, there's more!'"
Elizabeth smirked at her. "So dramatic."
"Don't like it, quit haunting my living room," Johanna retorted.
"I'm not haunting you; I'm visiting you."
"Yes, I know; it's been explained to me. Let's get on with it."
"Do you know what the problem is with Katie?" Elizabeth asked.
She shrugged. "The fact that she's stuck with a bad mother who's apparently too emotional and needy?"
"Besides that," Elizabeth replied.
Johanna sighed deeply. "I was hoping there wasn't more than what I listed."
"Katie's problem," Elizabeth stated firmly; "Is that she has forgotten that you are the mother and she is the daughter; she seems to have her roles reversed. She's under the impression that you have to answer to her and that she never has to answer anything or make any effort. You let her get away with it and that's why you're only good enough when it's convenient now that you aren't living in her guest room. You know it's true, Johanna. You let her get away with way too much."
"As you should know, it's hard to control the child once they reach adulthood."
"I didn't say you had to control her, I said you let her get away with too much and you need to stop it. You're the mother; act like it."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore."
Her mother-in-law shook her head at her. "You can't just stick your head in the sand like an ostrich and hope it gets better. Don't be stupid, Johanna."
She scoffed. "Well according to my father I've been stupid since birth so it's hard to change the habit now."
"You're not stupid; you just need to pull your head out of the sand. Start standing up to people; do more yelling; hell if you have to, be a bitch once in awhile; I know you know how…it always seemed to come easily to you," Elizabeth remarked.
A smirk of her own touched her lips. "I could say the same for you."
"Yes; I had no doubt that you would; but you know what I'm saying is the truth."
"How about we just summarize this so it's quick and easy," Johanna replied. "I'm a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad sister, daughter, friend, lawyer…and whatever else there is. Okay?"
"No. No one said you're any of those things. You're not a bad wife; but you do need to talk to Jimmy about the things that worry you so you won't have that weight on your shoulders. You're not a bad mother; you just have to remember where you put your backbone and stop letting Katie have all the power. Put her back in her place. I don't know where the bad daughter thing came from or why, so I'm chalking that up to nonsense on your behalf. I'm sure you're fine as a sister, and the friends who've turned their backs on you are people who clearly were never really your friends in the first place, and that goes for that secretary as well, I don't care how long you've known her. Tell her to kiss your ass, you don't need her. If you were a bad lawyer, you wouldn't have gotten into this mess, and furthermore, you're not one anymore so it doesn't matter."
"Technically I'm still a lawyer; I still have a degree and when the F.B.I. graciously gave me back my identity; that included reinstating it with the New York Bar…all I have to do is take my paperwork and a check for the fee down to the Bar association and I'd be registered and able to start practicing again…and furthermore, the laws of this state require all lawyers, whether they're practicing or not to keep their registration current, so really, I should go one day and get it done. They sent me a letter reminding me of that law once the F.B.I. had been through there cleaning up things."
"Then why haven't you done it?" Elizabeth asked.
"Because…."
"Because why?"
"Because it's a stupid rule…I don't intend to practice law again."
"Are you sure about that?"
She looked at her oddly. "Of course; why wouldn't I be?"
The spirit shrugged. "I have a feeling you miss it…that you'd like to at least do the kind of work Jimmy does now."
"I haven't been in a courtroom in thirteen years; I'm used to it."
"Being used to it doesn't mean you don't miss it."
"Why would I want to go back to something that almost robbed me of my life and took me away from my family?" she asked sharply.
"Because it's a part of you," Elizabeth told her. "You may have had to quit doing it for awhile but that doesn't mean you've totally turned that side of you off. You were teaching law…"
"I've taught law here," Johanna interrupted. "I taught law classes at Columbia every few semesters for several years."
"I'm aware of that; the point was, even outside of the courtroom, you've stayed in the realm of the law. I know you miss it…you'd love to sit down and dig into a case; have that focus for your mind; something that would keep you occupied and give you a feeling of accomplishment when it's over. You can only bake and clean so much before it starts feeling ordinary again. You wouldn't have to take on any criminal cases…you could focus on the areas you used to before you narrowed down the focus so you could be home more with Katie. I know you preferred civil rights but you also handled family law at times, if my memory serves me right. You've also done contract law and a handful of other things. You could find a place for yourself, either as a full-fledged attorney or doing the behind the scenes work like Jimmy."
She shook her head. "I'm retired."
"It's not good for you; you don't want to be completely retired. Semi-retirement is better; that's why Jimmy still goes to work whenever he can. He may have wanted out of the courtroom but he didn't want out all the way."
"Jim said I'm retired from the law; he said I could go back to teaching if I want to get a job…but I don't know when I'll be ready to go back to work. I'm content to be a housewife."
"You can do both; you always have before."
"I'm not doing it; I told you, Jim said if I want to get a job that I could go back to teaching."
"And since when do you listen to him?" Elizabeth asked. "He doesn't get to tell you that you can't go back to being a lawyer."
"I'm not going back to that!" she exclaimed as she surged to her feet in frustration. "I wouldn't be able to even if I wanted to. No one would hire me; I've been out of the game for thirteen years; my reputation is in shambles. Nobody in their right mind would want the infamous Johanna Beckett defending them in the courtroom. Are you insane?"
"You're wrong; clients would come. It might not be easy at first but they'd come. You wouldn't have to take on as much as you used to."
"Elizabeth," she said tartly. "I'd have to start all over; my past record as an attorney would be meaningless. People don't just restart their career when they're sixty-one years old; most of my colleagues are retired or counting down to their retirement; not looking for a second wind in the business…and the ones who have no plans to leave it, stay because they know nothing else and don't know what they'd do with themselves. No law firm would hire me; not with my reputation…not with this business of witness protection and Bracken against me. I'd be a laughingstock."
"Then start your own office," Elizabeth replied.
"Are you crazy!? I can't start my own office."
"Why not? You convinced me to start my own garden club when that business with Virginia went down."
"That's totally different and you know it."
Her mother-in-law sniffed. "I don't think it is. I think you're just finding excuses. I think you'd like to practice law again but you're afraid to because of what's happened…just like you're afraid to step on Katie's toes and have it out with her when you need to; like you're afraid to push much with Jimmy. Let go of those fears and you'll feel much better."
"I can't restart my law career," Johanna said sharply. "It's been too long…Jim doesn't want me to and I think he's earned the right to say what I can and can't do in that area. I don't blame him in the slightest for it; if the situation was reversed, I'd say the same thing to him."
"So you're just going to be a wimp for the rest of your life; that's real nice, Johanna. My God you're a disappointment. I expected better of you…I guess I should've known better."
She bit her lip; forcing herself not to react to the words although they stung. "I don't know why being realistic about my career makes me a wimp," she said tersely, her tone low and controlled.
"You want to know why?" Elizabeth asked as she leaned closer. "Because you didn't make the decision for yourself; you allowed Jimmy to make it for you. You think you owe it to him to let him dictate your life."
"He doesn't dictate my life!" she exclaimed as she paused in her pacing to turn toward Elizabeth. "If he did, I wouldn't have that car sitting out in the driveway!"
"A car you wanted him to sell after your first solo run in with the media."
"It's not an unreasonable reaction," Johanna retorted.
"Maybe not; but if he had taken the car and sold it the next day, you wouldn't have said a word about it."
"That's my business," she said firmly. "What does it matter to you?"
Elizabeth's eyes narrowed at her. "I don't want a coward for a daughter-in-law…especially when I know she can breathe fire when it suits her. Jimmy's coddling you right now and that isn't always the best thing to do for a person no matter how much you love them. He wants to baby you and wrap you up in a cocoon…but there's going to come a time when he's going to realize that he's going to have to stop that. There's going to come a time when you have to realize that you have to stop carrying all the negativity on your back to make everyone else feel better. You can do better; you know it, I know it, so do it! Get it together!"
"I'm trying!" she yelled; throwing her hands up in the air to punctuate the point before she dropped back into the place she had abandoned on the sofa.
"Try harder!" Elizabeth yelled back. "You've got to take back some control! Let go of some of the things weighing you down! It's going to get worse before it gets better, Johanna; you need to be able to take hold of it at the right moment and turn it around."
Her heart thudded against her ribs. "Worse?" she murmured. "Worse in what way?"
"You know which way; out there with the media…maybe even between loved ones. You accused me of sugar coating things earlier…well I'm not; everything I've said is the truth, Johanna. Start easing the burdens on your shoulders now. Talk to Jimmy; share your worries and concerns now, don't let them linger and fester. Talking about it will ease it and it'll be one less thing to carry. Start standing your ground with Katie; let her know when she hurts you, when she angers you, when she's being stubborn. Keep your eyes open…don't trust too easily…don't rule out a return to the law; it's who you are…be the woman I've always known you to be; brassy, mouthy, smart. Keep your head in the game and out of the clouds; there are some things that can be sorted out later; other things need concentration now. Shake it off and get it together!"
Johanna sighed. "You were never a cheerleader in high school, were you?"
Elizabeth pointed a pale finger at her. "Don't make me come over there, Johanna."
She gave a quiet laugh even as her mother-in-law's words sank in. "I'll try to do better."
"Don't try; just do it."
She laced her fingers together, her gaze dipping to the floor for a moment before flicking back to Elizabeth. "I should talk to Jim about sometimes being worried about his past habits?"
The other woman nodded. "Yes."
"It won't do any harm?"
"No; it won't do any harm. Talk about that; talk about your other worries about your relationship. I'm not saying that doing so will prevent you two from fighting sometime in the future; but it'll make it seem less dire. Take the initiative; it'll be fine."
"Okay," she murmured, her stomach feeling like a horde of butterflies had taken up residence in it. "I'll talk to him tonight."
"You do that…and once in awhile; think about what you're going to do when this is over…you might want to think about your job options."
"Housewife," Johanna said firmly. "I just want to be a housewife…a mother when Katie wants me to be one and I'm happy to babysit my great nieces and nephews when needed. Hopefully one day I'll be a grandmother and maybe Katie will let me take the babysitting duties while she's at work. In the meantime, I'm sure I can find some hobbies."
Elizabeth sighed. "I see that I'm probably going to have to come back here sometime in the future and finish straightening out your sorry ass."
"Can't hardly wait for that," Johanna remarked sarcastically.
"You could save me the trip."
"I wouldn't want to deprive you of the joy you get from tormenting me, Liz."
"Smart ass."
She smiled a little. "It's been good seeing you…apparently it's one of our better days."
Elizabeth managed a smile of her own. "It has been nice…but I'll have to be going here soon. Is there anything you need to say or ask?"
"Will you be keeping an eye on things?"
"I always do; you and Jimmy and Katie are well looked after."
"Give my love to Robert and Lilly," she told her.
"I will," Elizabeth assured. "Find some way to give mine to my son and granddaughter."
"I'll do that…and you know, I did mean what I said that day…I do love you in my own way, despite the animosity. It wasn't a feeling that happened right away, but it came through the years…and I do miss you."
Her mother-in-law gave a nod. "I miss you too…and I meant what I said too. You listen to what I've told you; don't brush it off like you have from other people…you do what I said. I want what's best for all of you and for that to happen, you have to get back on your feet."
"I promise; I'll do better."
"See that you do," Elizabeth said as she rose from the chair. "I have to go now; you keep taking care of Jimmy…we'll talk again sometime."
"I'll take care of him, I promise. Goodbye for now, Liz."
"Goodbye for now," the spirit repeated before she faded away.
Johanna breathed deeply, the room feeling warmer but strangely empty now that Elizabeth had gone. Maybe her mother-in-law was right; maybe she could ease some of her burdens if she just had a talk with her husband. She wasn't looking forward to it…it would be awkward and difficult, but maybe it needed to be done…maybe they'd both feel better.