The Visitors Chapter 6, a castle fanfic

A/N: Thanks for your reviews!

Chapter 6- Spiritual Connections

That night after her shower; Johanna stood in the hallway outside the bedroom door and chewed on her bottom lip, trying to gather her courage to have that conversation with Jim. She wasn't sure it was such a good idea…but Elizabeth had seemed to be insisting upon it during her visit earlier that day and for some reason she felt compelled to listen to her mother-in-law…compelled to take her advice and have a conversation that might ease some of the worries she carried. But being compelled didn't make it any easier to think about or broach. She sucked in a shaky breath and entered their bedroom, closing the door behind her. Jim was settled on his side of the bed, the newest issue of his sports magazine in hand that he had gotten in the mail that day. She smiled a little, squinting to make out the headline on the page that was folded back and in her line of vision; she should've known that the article that had him engrossed would be an analysis of the recent World Series. She moved to her vanity, buying herself some more time as she sat down and reached for her lotion.

How was she supposed to do this, she wondered; as she rubbed the strawberry scented lotion on her hands. Did she really even need to bring it up? Her irrational fears didn't need to be his problem. What if bringing them up made him dwell on his past issues? That wouldn't be good for him…and yet it wasn't good for her either it seemed. She blew out a soft breath, her stomach churning. Why did this idea have to get into her head? Why did she have to feel that need to share with him that she worried about him sometimes? He probably already knew that; it was probably one of those unspoken things; just like she knew he worried about her. Did she really want to do this?

Her stomach seemed to be opposed to it as the knots tightened and she felt somewhat nauseated about the whole idea…and yet a voice in the back of her mind whispered 'just do it'. Surely no harm could come from it…could it? God she hoped not. She didn't want to upset him. She didn't want him to think she was thinking less of him somehow. Why did she have to be so afraid of this topic? Johanna frowned as she looked in the mirror; she knew why she was afraid…she was afraid because she carried the guilt of causing the problem he'd had. Elizabeth had said that she needed to let it go, that the problem had already been there long before she ever had to leave. It was something Jim had said himself and yet she had convinced herself that he only said those words to make her feel better. She needed to feel better though…and maybe if a little discomfort could give her what she needed, it would be worth it.

The thought didn't ease her mind though as she rose from the bench seat of her vanity and untied her robe. She hadn't realized that she had 'dressed' for the occasion so to speak; she had chosen the peach colored silk nightgown he was always telling her that he liked so much. She hadn't made any conscious effort at picking something that might appeal to him…at least she didn't think so; but the nightgown was more suited to summer with its thin silken straps and its sleek fabric. Oh well, Johanna thought to herself; she had chosen it and she'd wear it…and if it somehow helped make all of this easier, then so be it. She slipped out of her robe and moved to the bed, dropping the soft black garment at the foot of it and then climbing in on her side. Instead of settling in against her pillows, she turned to face Jim, feeling that flutter of nerves as he glanced away from his magazine to look at her, a small smile touching his lips.

"You finally decided to join me, sweetheart?" he said lightly; his appreciative gaze moving over her as she toyed with the hem of her nightgown, tugging at it as she folded her legs and shifted a bit, making herself comfortable, her knee settling against the feel of his leg through the covers.

"Can we talk?" she asked; her voice quiet and tinged with nervousness.

Her husband immediately went on alert; his gaze only leaving her face for long enough to make sure his magazine hit the nightstand and not the floor. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing's wrong…I just need to talk."

"Alright," he said, his hand reaching for hers, seeing that she was struggling with whatever she wanted to broach.

Her tongue felt tied and she felt her palm begin to sweat as he held her hand. "I…"she began and then trailed off, clearing her throat to try and rid it of the lump that was growing in it.

"What is it, Jo?" Jim asked; gently coaxing her.

"I…I worry sometimes," she finally managed to say.

He smiled. "Honey, that's nothing new to me; I know you worry; so do I."

She shook her head a little. "No, I mean…I worry in a general sense but I…I also worry about you."

"About me?" he asked; his brow furrowing in puzzlement. "Why?"

Johanna took a shaky breath, wishing she hadn't started this. "I don't know how to bring it up…I don't know how to talk about it," she said softly.

Understanding suddenly dawned in Jim's eyes as he connected the dots. "You mean past habits…drinking?"

She licked her lips, the tremor of nerves making her hand shake slightly in his. "Yeah."

Jim squeezed her hand. "I'm not drinking, Jo."

"I know you're not!" she hurried to exclaim. "There hasn't been any indication or evidence that you were…I just worry sometimes and I hate myself for it."

"Why?"

"Why?" she repeated. "I worry because you have to deal with me."

Jim shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I meant, why do you hate yourself for worrying about it?"

"Because I trust you," Johanna replied. "I know you don't want to go back to that and honestly when you walk out the door the thought isn't in my mind that you might go…do that," she said, unable to even say the word. "And if I trust you that much then why should I sit here some days and worry about it?"

"Because you're human," he said gently. "I don't except you not to worry about it, Jo."

"But I…I can't explain it," she said in frustration, pulling her hand away from his and entwining her fingers in her lap. "I shouldn't have brought it up."

Jim touched his fingers to her chin, forcing her to meet his eye once again. "It's okay that you brought it up and it's fine if you need to talk about it…take your time; I'm not going to jump to conclusions if you say something in a way you didn't really mean for it to be taken. Keep going, it's okay."

The lump in her throat was getting harder to swallow; tears pooling in her eyes. "I just…it's not that I'm constantly worrying about it; I don't."

He nodded. "Occasional worry."

"Yeah…and I hate that I do that; because like I said, I trust you, and I feel like if I worry about it, then some part of me is trying to say that I don't have the trust I think I do and I don't like thinking that…I don't want you thinking that I don't trust you because I swear that I do."

"I know you do, Jo."

"You do?" she asked as a tear slipped free.

"Yes," Jim told her, his voice sincere.

"How do you know?" she couldn't help but ask.

"I know because you don't give me the third degree when I come home. You ask how my day was but you don't ask for every detail. I don't always come home for lunch…I always tell you where I went but you don't ask me what I ate or drank; or what anyone else had to eat or drink. I don't see you eyeing me suspiciously…unless I try to sweet talk you a little too much," he said lightly, trying to ease her discomfort. She offered him a wobbly smile and he took it as his cue to go on. "You don't give me any indication of being suspicious about anything I do, Jo; you act the way you always have. You've always been interested in what I do, but you don't demand every single little detail. You trust me and I know that; I feel it, so you don't need to feel like having an occasional worry means otherwise. I trust you, and I hope that deep down you know I do; but I think you also know that I still have the occasional worry that something might try to take you from me again."

"I know," she said, a soft cry breaking through. "That's why I worry; but I swear I'm not ever going to let anyone take me away again."

"Shh," he soothed, his fingertips caressing her chin. "I know it isn't going to happen again; but I also know that you've mentioned several times that you don't think I trust you…and maybe feeling that way makes you worry about your trust in me."

"But I don't have any reason not to trust you…and you'd have every reason not to trust me."

"No, I don't; I know you're not keeping anything from me."

"But I did before."

"Because you had to; we've discussed that many times, sweetheart. I understand. Just like I understand that you worry about the problems I had in the past."

"I caused it," she whispered. "I caused you to go down that road."

"No; I told you; you were the excuse I used, but you're not responsible for the choice I made. Johanna, if you had come home one day and confessed to me that the F.B.I. had come to you and told you that you were in danger and had to leave; I would've personally put you in the car and drove you to their office and told them to take you to safest corner of the earth they could find and keep you there until you were safe. It still would've killed me inside to have to let you go, but I would've done it, because keeping you alive would've been the most important thing to me…and even knowing you were alive and well somewhere out there, even though I couldn't be with you to make it look authentic, I still would've came home and dealt with it in the same manner. I still would've opened that bottle."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do," he said firmly. "You know as well as I do that the seeds of that problem were there long ago. I always had to have a drink when I was angry, when I was hurt or frustrated. You know that, Jo; you know because you've been a part of my life for a long time. You saw it. When things went sour between us right before we got together, I got drunk. When we broke up that one time, I got drunk; when we had that little break during our engagement, you know I got drunk…because I snuck into your apartment with a plot to seduce you to make you marry me."

Johanna couldn't help but smile at the memory. "I believe your ultimate goal that night was to get me pregnant so I'd have to marry you…at least that's what you told me."

He grinned. "It seemed like a good idea at the time…it's not easy to think up a plot that elaborate sitting in a loud barroom."

She gave a soft laugh. "There was just one problem; you forgot that I was on the pill at that time."

He chuckled. "That's alright, I got to have my way with you anyway…and you're here, so clearly I convinced you to marry me despite all that nonsense that was going on that week."

"I didn't break up with you; I just wanted to think about marriage more," she remarked as she cupped his face.

"I didn't like that idea," he replied. "But getting back to our topic; you know I drank when something was wrong in my life. As I've reminded you several times before, there was that time when Katie was four that I had a bit of a problem and things were rough between us. You gave me an ultimatum and I straightened out…but it proves that it was always there, Jo. It didn't have anything to do with anything you did or didn't do; it's just always been there. That's what I grew up seeing the men in my family do…it's what my brothers and I learned…I just learned it a little more than they did."

"But it was worse when I wasn't here."

"I know; because you weren't there kicking my ass and telling me you'd walk out the door if I didn't get a hold of the problem…and that's not your fault. You had to be where you were safe and I understand that and it's what I would've preferred. It took me a long time to see the error of that way…it took Katie threatening to walk away and never come back. But I got the help I needed and I did all the therapy and all of that that comes with the territory; I've told you about that."

"I know," she said softly as she swiped at a tear.

"I'm the one who has to carry the weight of those decisions, Jo. I made them, not you; there were other ways to cope but I always took that one and somewhere inside you know that. I know you feel guilty about it, I know it eats at you and you hate knowing it happened, just as much as I hate knowing that I couldn't stop what happened to you. But sweetheart, you can't carry the blame for it or the responsibility; that's mine. It's not your fault; I've told you that several times."

"I'm sorry," she cried. "I know I drive you crazy."

His fingers fell against her lips. "You drive me crazy, but only in the right ways; not about this. It's going to take time for you to get through this. I know you have to go through the process of accepting that this happened and that it's a part of me. I know you have your own feelings to work through in regard to it."

"I shouldn't have brought it up," Johanna murmured. "I should keep my paranoia and nonsense to myself."

"No; that's the worst thing for you to do. You're never going to feel better about it unless you talk about it. Johanna, if you think for a moment that I don't know or believe that you've worried about it from the moment you found out about it, you're wrong. I know you worry; I don't blame you. I know Katie still worries at times and I don't blame her either."

"But I don't feel like I have a right," she admitted.

"Why?"

"Because I wasn't here to see it and go through it."

"Jo, don't you see; that's what makes it worse for you. You weren't here to go through it; you weren't here to go through the process of getting past it like Katie was. You're going through it in a different way than we did and it's harder for you. I understand that you need time to come to terms with it; that you're going to worry from time to time…that you're always going to have a part of you that carries the blame no matter how many times I absolve you…and it's okay. I didn't expect you to know about this and not have any feelings about it. Everything you feel about it is normal, sweetheart. One day you'll feel better about it, I promise. You're just going through the process of dealing with the knowledge and how it's a part of us, okay? You don't need to ever feel bad about that."

Johanna couldn't keep her tears from spilling down her cheeks. "I just worry that you'll think I look at you differently; because I swear I don't."

"I know you don't. I admit, when we first talked about it, I did worry that you would see me differently…that you might think I was weak, that I wasn't the same man you married."

"No," she said fiercely as she shook her head. "I never, ever thought that. You're still the same man you've always been to me; you're still as strong as you ever were in my eyes. I don't see you differently, I swear I don't."

"I know," Jim told her, his hand rubbing her arm in an attempt to soothe her. "I honestly believe that you still see me the way you always have; it's just a knee jerk reaction…it's just me never wanting to be diminished in your eyes. I always want to be whatever it was you saw in me all those years ago that made you stick around and put up with all the crap I put you through…I want to be the man you wanted to marry."

"You are; that's another reason why I hate myself when I worry. I get afraid that it means I do see you differently in some way and I can't bear to think that because in my heart I know I don't."

"Worrying doesn't mean you see me differently; I promise you that. My worries don't make me see you differently either. It's okay to feel those things, Johanna; I swear to you that it is and that one day, it won't be so loud in your head. Tell me what it is exactly that makes you worry about this; what is it that makes you worry that I'll backslide; can you tell me?"

She nodded although she felt reluctant to do so. "I worry about driving you to it. My worries, my fears, my issues, my paranoia at times. The stress of all of this attention and the way it makes me act and feel. I worry that something I say or do will make you feel a need to go back to that habit."

"You can call it what it is, Jo; drinking."

"We both know what it is," she replied, her tone sharper than she intended. An instant apology formed on her lips but Jim laid his fingers against her mouth.

"It's alright; don't apologize."

Johanna sucked in a shaky breath, forcing herself not to utter the words 'I'm sorry'. "I just don't want to be the cause again. I don't want to do something that would ruin the progress you've made."

Jim held her gaze. "If that was going to happen, don't you think it would've happened by now? Look at all we've been through. From the moment I saw you in the precinct that first day, my only urge was to bring you home; not to drink. It's been eight years…nearly nine. There was no desire to dive back into bad habits. There's still no desire for it. That's why when we go out, I tell you if you want a glass of wine with dinner, have it; it won't bother me. Some people can't be around it after they quit but honestly it doesn't bother me to see someone else having a drink; because I don't want it. I know what it did to me and I didn't like that person I was then. You don't have to deny yourself because of me. You don't have to worry that something you say or do will cause me to backtrack because it's not. I'm fine, sweetheart…and remember, I made you a promise that if I ever felt like that control was slipping, I'd come to you and let you help me. I'll never break that promise to you, Jo. I'm not going to let that happen again; I'm not going to do it to you or Katie or me. I'm fine."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, feeling badly for bringing up the subject.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," he told her. "You're allowed to talk about it."

"I don't like to," she admitted; her gaze darting away.

"Why not?"

"It's hard for me to talk about…and I don't want to upset you by bringing it up."

Jim shook his head and grasped her chin, forcing her to return her gaze to his face. "You don't need to feel that way. If you need to talk about it, we'll talk about it; it doesn't bother me to speak of it. I don't want you to be afraid to bring it up when you need to. If you need to talk about it to feel better, then you do what you did tonight and you tell me that you need to talk…I'm not ever going to get angry with you about it, okay?"

"Okay," she whispered; feeling a small amount of weight lift from her heart.

He leaned closer and pressed a soft kiss against her lips. "While we're having a little discussion here; do you want to tell me anything else that worries you about me?"

Johanna shrugged. "Like what?"

"You tell me."

She hesitated, her lips parting slightly and then closing, as if she was still unsure if she could bare the inner most thoughts that her soul harbored. He gave her a small smile, his fingers moving against hers in a soft caress. "Come on, you can tell me," he prodded.

"I just worry about my issues driving you crazy. I'm overly emotional; I worry about everything…I get paranoid. I'm probably a far cry from the woman you married."

"That couldn't be further from the truth," Jim said, his tone gentle and warm as his hand cupped her cheek.

She scoffed softly, her gaze dipping to his unoccupied hand, catching the glint of light that hit his gold wedding band.

"You've always been an emotional person, Jo. Sometimes something comes along and amps up your emotions a bit but you always settle down and it's not anything I can't handle."

"I know you get frustrated with me sometimes though."

"It's not you I get frustrated with; it's the emotions you're feeling…but that's nothing new. It's always frustrated me," Jim remarked; "And not because something has you more emotional than usual, but because I can't always find a way to fix whatever the problem is."

"I wish I could fix things too," she murmured.

"I know you do."

"I feel like I have so many issues and I worry about them driving you away," she tearfully admitted.

Jim tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, his knuckles skimming her cheek. "That's never going to happen, sweetheart."

Her eyes closed for a second, her fingers reaching out to clutch the soft material of his shirt. "You promise?" she whispered.

"I promise," he murmured. "You're stuck with me; you can't ever get rid of me."

"I don't ever want to."

"Good, my evil plot to have you worship me for life has been a success."

She laughed softly. "I hope it's a mutual worship."

"Of course it is; but listen, I know you worry…and don't get mad at me for saying this but I think you have a lot of anxiety inside of you and it makes you feel like small things are bigger than they really are. That's why I made that very bad suggestion once that we could go talk to a doctor and see if he could give you something; something non-habit forming, to help you get through that. You said no and I understand and respect that; but it doesn't mean you don't have anxiety; because you do, sweetheart. It's not anything we can't handle; it doesn't bother me; I know you're working through it; just like it doesn't bother me when you're more emotional than usual. It's fine. If you need to ask for reassurance to settle your worries down, then don't ever hesitate to ask for it, okay?"

"Okay," she said softly, her fingers still curled into his shirt.

Jim took her unoccupied hand, content to allow her to keep hold of his shirt, feeling like she was holding on because she needed an anchor as she broached uncomfortable topics. "I know sometimes I can be impatient and frustrated…but I've always had those tendencies and you know they usually stem from not being able to fix something as quickly as I'd like. Some things are my own fault, you know? You used to know that and you need to know it again. You don't have to take the blame for everything."

Johanna breathed deeply and exhaled slowly. "Do you think I don't act like myself?"

Jim squeezed her hand. "Are there times when you don't seem like yourself? Yes; but again, that isn't anything new; there have always been times when you've seemed off do to stress and worry. We all have those moments and I don't really worry about it too much because you always snap back into place. It's not constant and when it does happen it's usually in connection with something that's happened…like when you went out by yourself and the media caught you and you had that panic attack. You have a lot on your mind; a lot of stress, a lot of worry. You've been through a lot of trauma…and I know that you don't like to think so; you have yourself convinced that the trauma was all Katie's and mine; but it's not, Jo."

Her gaze dropped away from his, her hand tightening as she held on to his shirt. What happened to her didn't matter to her nearly as much as what happened to her husband and daughter; they were what was important, not her. She could be fine as long as she was with them.

"I know what you're thinking," he said quietly. "You're thinking it doesn't matter but it does. You went through a hell of a lot, more than a lot of people could bear…I know I wouldn't have been able to go through what you did, sweetheart; I wouldn't have made it…but you're so strong and brave; you kept the goal of coming home in mind. I know it took a lot longer than you would've liked; longer than anyone would've liked, but what matters is that you've gotten here and we're together. But that doesn't take away from what you went through. You were ripped away from us. You had to change your name; you had to live in a strange place where you didn't know anyone. You couldn't tell anyone who you were, where you came from. You couldn't contact us. You had to live alone for thirteen years…Katie and I, we had each other, but you didn't have anyone with you…and I know you suffered greatly because of it; because of the whole thing. You had to hear about Katie's shooting on the news; you had to go through that worry alone. When you came home, you had to deal with our reactions, our issues. You had a bullet graze your arm, you were threatened. You had to move in with Katie and deal with things being rough between the two of you for awhile; it took time to find your balance."

Tears spilled down her cheeks once more as she thought of those early days when Kate had been so cold and callous…how she had laid awake many nights praying to God that she'd find some way to break through the wall her daughter had thrown up between them; that she'd find some way to reach her, to make her see how sorry she was and how she would've never left if she hadn't been forced to. So much of that time period was still painful not only in regard to Kate but in regard to Jim as well. It had been a heavy load to carry; her heart was battle scarred and her soul littered with bruises; they had put her through the ringer so many times; not that she'd ever bring that up. She had deserved it and she took every blow without complaint…but she was still raw and sore inside, the chaos still fresh in her mind. The media presence made sure that it never faded for long; they kept ripping the scabs off of wounds and making them bleed; keeping her worries whipped up into a frenzy.

Jim brushed away the tears on her cheek; knowing she was mentally sorting through that big box of hurts that her brain and heart kept stored away. "You shoved all of your feelings into a box and pushed it away," he stated gently, his tone quiet. "You pushed it away to deal with mine and Katie's issues. You gave all of your effort to making us feel better…and in the beginning, no one made much effort to make you feel better, to make sure you were okay…because we were too caught up in how we felt, how to be cautious and wary just in case. While you were with Katie there were more threats, there was a break-in, you were both shot at. You went and faced off with that bastard. You had to go back to Wyoming and tie up loose ends and that was harder on you than it was me and Katie…I was there, I could feel your anxiety level go through the roof except for that night I took you out. You came home and we started to settle in and then the media arrived to breathe down our necks; Adam Bracken is always out there running his mouth about one thing or another; keeping it alive. Some members of our family have been less than supportive. All of those feelings you've been holding back, all the trauma you've been suppressing, it's all coming out now that the biggest threats have been removed. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't have things to work through. I understand that. I expect you to have days where you seem a little off. I expect you to have your bad days…but for the most part; and just for clarification that means the majority of the time, you're you; you act the way you always have; you're yourself."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, sweetheart; you're fine."

She sniffed a little. "Sometimes I'm still afraid to go out by myself."

He nodded. "Sometimes it still scares me too, but what matters is that you do it anyway…that we both get through that worry. I can tell you that there's a big difference between now and when you first came home when it comes to leaving the house. That night when Katie brought you home for our anniversary, the next morning when it was time for you to go back to her place, you had a panic attack at the thought of walking out the door. I brought you home the day Bracken was arrested and two days later when we had to go meet with Agent Jenkins at the precinct, I could see the hesitation and panic filling your body as you thought about walking out the door…and that lasted for awhile, Jo. You didn't really start getting over those hesitations until you got your car. I know you still get worried, so do I; but you've come a long way in that respect."

"There was that time though after I had that panic attack in public when I didn't get out by myself for awhile."

"I know," he replied. "But you got out of the habit. It just took the right thing to bring you back out of that. You're doing a lot better when it comes to going out."

"I'm trying to do better in everything," she murmured.

"I know you are; and I think you're doing fine…it's just going to take a little time for you to feel completely better and that's okay."

"It's not me that I really worry about," Johanna stated. "I worry about you; and how everything I do might affect you. I've upended your life twice in thirteen years…I'm not proud of that."

"You left because you had to; I understand that and I forgive you for it. You came back because it was time, and I'm glad you did; it's all I ever wanted."

"Sometimes I feel like a burden."

"You're not; you're my wife and I'm happy to have you home, happy to take care of you, to give you whatever you need. Things aren't as bad as you seem to make yourself think sometimes, sweetheart. We're fine."

"You're sure?" she couldn't help but ask. "You don't have any regrets about letting me come home?"

"I'm positive," Jim answered; his hand cupping her face once more, pulling her a little closer. "There aren't any regrets about having you home. You don't need to worry about that; just like you don't need to worry about me drinking."

"I just love you so much," Johanna whispered, her chin trembling with the force of unshed tears. "I can't stand the thought of hurting you or ruining any part of your life."

He shook his head. "You haven't ruined anything, and any hurt that was had was mutual, because you hurt just as much or more. I know you love me; and I love you, more than anything in this world. That's why I don't need any old habits."

"I'm glad to hear that."

He smiled; his thumb sweeping across her cheekbone. "There's only one vice I need," he stated, his tone sending a burst of warmth through her body.

"What's that?" she asked; her breath catching slightly as he drew her closer.

"You," Jim murmured before capturing her lips in a tender kiss. "I only need you…you're my vice of choice."

She moved on to his lap without thought, her lips seeking his for a passion fueled kiss. "Can that be mutual? Because I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to you," she murmured, her hand caressing his cheek before her fingers sunk into his hair.

He nodded; his arms wrapping around her. "It better be mutual; because I know I'm addicted to you…and lucky for us, there's no recovery program for that."

She giggled; although really it was probably a joke made in poor taste considering what they had been talking about earlier; but the amused gleam in his eyes made it okay; the warmth of his hands seeping through the silk of her nightgown soothing her, his kisses wiping away the worries and fears she had been holding onto all evening. Her heart felt lighter, the weight on her shoulders less heavy as he dragged his lips along the column of her throat. She knew his goal was that sensitive spot on the side of her neck and she felt anticipation building within her as he continued his slow, deliberate torment.

"You know," he murmured against her skin, his fingers clutching the peach fabric of her nightgown. "You always seem to wear something special for serious conversations."

A soft self-conscious laugh fell from her lips. "I swear to you that it wasn't intentional tonight."

"I don't mind if it was," he stated, effortlessly shifting her from his lap to her side of the bed where he moved over her before she could even realize what he had done. "I like this one," he remarked, his fingers slowly dragging the material upwards.

"You've told me," she replied, a slight catch in her breath as his mouth finally landed against that spot that always made her melt.

"It's good to know you listen," he remarked before catching her lips in a fiery kiss.

"Does this mean our discussion for the evening is closed?" she asked; feeling the silky material being dragged up over her hip, his hand letting go long enough to move across the skin he had bared, the feel of his fingertips against her skin making her yearn for more; needing their intimacy to prove that all was still well between them.

"I thought so; I thought we were ready to move on to the 'proving and reassuring on a different level' phase…but if you have something else to say, I'm willing to listen."

Johanna shook her head, her fingers fisting his shirt to keep him from pulling away. "I don't have anything else to discuss."

"You're sure?" he asked as she released her hold on his shirt, her fingers searching for the hem to rid him of it.

"I'm sure," she whispered as managed to capture his lips. "I just want this…I just want you."

"Good," Jim remarked; his lips brushing over her ear. "Because you're all I want too."

Later on, Johanna laid in the darkness of the room beneath the tangled sheets, her husband's chest warm and firm against her back and his arm wrapped tightly around her. She sighed in sleepy contentment as she felt his lips brush against her hair and then her bare shoulder. It sounded clichéd to her sleepy mind, but there had been something even more magical than usual in the midst of their lovemaking…a different layer of tenderness; the passion as always, but a new layer to it, something she couldn't quite name but it had felt so good. She had been soothed and consoled, loved and reassured. Pillow talk had wiped away the seriousness that had clung to the air of the room. She breathed deeply; inhaling Jim's scent, drinking in the feel of being back in that quiet, romantic bubble with him.

"I love you," he murmured in her ear, his voice as sleepy sounding as she felt.

"I love you too," she whispered, her hand finding his and curling around it. Sleep was crashing over her, and for the first time in awhile she fell asleep without any worries; without thoughts of guilt or brewing storms or meddling ghosts. She had a sweet reprieve nestled safely in her husband's arms.

As Johanna sat at her desk the next morning, she thought over her visit from Elizabeth and how she had taken some of her advice and had that talk with Jim. She had to admit that she felt some better; it had been a good conversation; some weight had lifted and she felt like they had managed to achieve another level of healing. Everything about the night before had been good…so very good; the talking, the love making, the pillow talk and the warmth of his arms as she had fallen asleep. She breathed deeply, letting all those feelings sweep back over her; a small smile touching her lips as she remembered how the romantic mood had lingered into the morning…how she had to almost push him out the door to work…how she was counting the minutes until he came home. She loved that feeling of warmth and happiness that lingered; it just went to prove that Elizabeth did have her good points…even if it did come in the form of a ghostly visit. Whoever would've thought that she'd be so glad to have had that conversation with her mother-in-law?

The thought of how much smoother that visit had gone and how easily she had taken her advice led a worry to spring up in Johanna's mind. She frowned, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. What if taking Elizabeth's lectures and advice so easily had offended her own mother? She didn't like the thought of that and she suddenly felt the need to speak to Sarah. Her gaze moved away from her laptop to seek out the sight of her butterfly paperweight to see if it had been moved as usual. Upon seeing that it was, she put it back in its proper place and glanced at the time on her computer; it was a little after ten; surely her grandmother would deem that a more acceptable morning hour. With her mind made up, she closed the laptop.

"Sarah," she called out. "Are you here? Can we talk?"

Johanna waited a moment but felt no chill in the air and no indication of being heard. "Please, Sarah," she said after a minute more. "I swear I'm not trying to make this a habit. I know you can't be at my beck and call but I just need to talk."

The temperature of the room dipped; the light flickering as she reached for the soft wine-colored shrug that was lying over the back of her chair. She slipped into it as Sarah materialized in the room.

"You have to be more patient, darling," Sarah said warmly. "I can't be here as soon as you snap your fingers; you have to give me a few minutes."

Johanna smiled sheepishly. "I'll keep that in mind. I did wait until later in the morning this time though."

Her grandmother grinned. "I appreciate that. Now what's on your mind this morning?" she asked as she moved across the room to drag the piano bench toward Johanna's desk.

She waited for Sarah to be settled before she spoke. "I had a visitor yesterday."

Sarah nodded. "Elizabeth; and I must say, dear; you handled it very well."

"I think I did do better with that one…the emotional breakdowns weren't as bad as they were with my mother."

"Yes, I know; and I must say; you seem very relaxed today."

A small smile touched her lips. "I am…I…I took a piece of Elizabeth's advice."

Sarah clapped her hands together happily. "That's wonderful, darling. I'm so happy to hear that. I knew this would be good for you."

Johanna took a deep breath and exhaled slowly; her fingers tapping against the desk as she pondered how to go about her topic.

"What's wrong?" her grandmother asked. "I sense there's a small part of you that's troubled despite your more relaxed composure."

"I'm worried," she admitted.

"About what?"

"My mother."

Sarah looked at her oddly. "What about her?"

"I'm afraid that I might've offended her by taking Elizabeth's visit better than I did hers…that I might've hurt her feelings by taking a piece of Elizabeth's advice. Is she upset with me? I don't want to think that I've hurt her; it's the last thing I'd want to do."

Understanding filled Sarah's eyes. "Oh, darling; you don't have to worry about that. Naomi isn't offended or hurt that your visit with Elizabeth went differently than your visit with her. You don't have the bond with Elizabeth that you have with your own mother; of course you were going to take it better from her. She's not offended; she's glad you took that piece of advice; she hopes you'll take more of it and that when you're ready you'll use the advice she gave you as well…and she knows you will, you always have in the past."

"She's okay?" she asked, just to be sure.

Her grandmother smiled. "She's perfectly fine. Don't be surprised if she shows up in your dreams tonight to reassure you of that."

Johanna gave a small smile. "I know it probably seems like a silly thing, doesn't it?"

Sarah shook her head. "No; not at all. You love your mama and you don't want to hurt her feelings by finding an easier acceptance of things from someone else. I think we all probably feel that way at one time or another. Don't let any worries like that cloud your feelings and acceptance. I know this hasn't been easy for you, but you did do well with Elizabeth yesterday, I think that was a very productive visit."

"Maybe so."

"You had that talk with Jim as she suggested?"

Johanna's gaze flicked to her grandmother's face. "Don't you know?"

"I know that you were gathering your courage but once your bedroom door closes, I stay out, dear; that's your personal, private space and I don't come in there unless you're alone and in need of the feeling of someone being around. When it's you and your husband, you can rest assured that you are alone with him."

"That is somewhat comforting," she replied; "And yes, we did have that talk last night."

"And how did go?"

"Better than I thought it would. It was awkward at first; it's not an easy topic to bring up…I guess I was a little afraid."

"But you pushed through that fear and did it anyway," Sarah stated.

She nodded. "Yeah, I did…he probably deserves a medal for putting up with me."

Her grandmother smiled. "I think it could also be said that all wives deserve medals for putting up with their husbands."

"True," Johanna said with a soft laugh. "There are those moments when you have to dig deep to find enough self control to keep from doing something you'll regret."

Sarah giggled. "That is so true…there were a few times when I thought about picking up the skillet and giving Patrick a whack with it."

"Does Grandpa know that?" she laughed.

"Oh yes, he's been made aware of it. But back to you and Jim; you had a good talk and you feel better?"

"Yes; I do feel better…and I hope maybe he feels better too in some way now that we've had that talk."

"I'm sure he does…I did get a glimpse of the two of you in the kitchen this morning."

Johanna blushed. "Sometimes we hate to say goodbye."

"I noticed," Sarah teased. "Seeing that you were occupied, I went on my rounds; that's why it took me awhile to get back here when you called."

"What can I say?" she asked with a small laugh. "We've managed to keep the spark alive and I haven't become one of those women who gives it up at a certain age…which he appreciates greatly."

"No reason why you should give it up; it's good for a marriage to keep that spark alive…it's good to keep you feeling young too."

"I have no intention of turning into an old lady anytime soon."

Sarah grinned. "Good for you, darling; you rail against that. Age is nothing but a number; act the way you feel…and I highly doubt you feel your age."

"You're right, I don't; and I thank God for it. We're both healthy; we don't have any issues to keep us from doing the things we've always done. I hope we stay that way for a long time."

"I'm sure you will," her grandmother replied. "You both take care of yourselves and of each other. I am glad to see you feeling better this morning; it gives you a glow."

Her cheeks warmed once more; if she had a glow she wasn't sure if it was from a satisfying conversation with her husband or if it stemmed from the even more satisfying way they had spent the rest of their evening…in fact, she was sure the latter option was more responsible for a glow. The lingering romantic bubble they had been in that morning kept it alive.

"You're blushing," Sarah remarked; an amused sparkle in her eyes.

"Yeah…it's an embarrassing habit."

"It is not; why do you say that?"

"Because it's a giveaway," Johanna answered. "I'm sure you're filling in the blanks."

Sarah shrugged. "You're a married woman, you're allowed to enjoy every aspect of marriage…there's no shame in it."

"Oh I'm not ashamed; not in the slightest."

The spirit laughed. "You just feel ashamed when someone can pick up on the obvious?"

"Well…it is personal."

"No one asked for details," her grandmother replied. "I told you I don't pry in that area; but there's nothing wrong with a good talk leading to romance…I'd say it cements the bond…smooths things over…offers reassurance."

"That's all true," she murmured. "I noticed that you didn't play with his phone last night; have you given it up?"

"Oh no," Sarah laughed. "I'm just letting him think it fixed itself…then I'll do it again. I want to keep him on his toes."

"I'm looking forward to seeing his face when it happens again," Johanna replied. "I'm sure it'll be priceless."

"That's the best part about it," her grandmother quipped. "Have you given any more thought to what Elizabeth said about your career?"

Johanna sighed. "I don't have a career anymore, Sarah."

"I believe the point of that conversation was that you could have one again if you so desired."

"Well maybe I don't desire it."

Sarah's brow arched. "Is that the truth or just what you want everyone to believe…even yourself?"

She rubbed her fingers across her forehead. "Suddenly I'm starting to regret calling for you."

Her grandmother had the audacity to giggle. "Isn't that a shame? The question still stands and I won't leave until I'm good and ready."

"I am content to be what I am," Johanna remarked firmly.

The spirit eyed her intently; in a way only grandmothers could do. "You don't miss being in the courtroom at all?"

"I…" she began and then trailed off.

"The truth, Johanna."

"I miss it once in awhile but I haven't been in the courtroom in over a decade; I can't go back to it now; not even if I shunned the criminal sector of the law and just focused on family law. It wouldn't work out."

"Why not? I think you'd do very well working in family law; you have the compassion to make sure a child's interests are taken care of no matter the circumstances. You've handled family law before."

"I've handled a lot of different areas of the law," Johanna remarked. "But that doesn't mean I can go back to it; I can't. It's too late; it's been too long and I'm not going to put that worry on Jim's shoulders."

"But if you shunned the criminal aspects of the law; would there really be any worry to be had?"

"You never know in this day and age, Sarah."

"But you do miss it?"

She sighed. "Sometimes I miss the work; just like sometimes I miss having a baby around but I'm not going to go adopt one…I have nieces and nephews who have babies who are more than happy to let me borrow them for a few hours to satisfy that maternal urge."

"We're not talking about maternal urges; we're talking about your career. You miss the work like Elizabeth said; you miss the focus it brought you. I think that sometimes you wish you could be involved with the work Jim is doing so that you could have a taste of law work again."

She shrugged. "It interests me…it's probably less stressful than having to do all the work and present the case yourself. He enjoys the behind the scenes stuff; it's enough for him. It keeps him busy, it keeps him in his field and he can pick and choose. He doesn't miss the courtroom; he's satisfied."

"Could you be satisfied doing that work?"

"I don't know; I don't think about it and he doesn't really involve me in it. I mean he rants when he needs to and he gives me the basics about whatever project he's working on…but he doesn't ask for my assistance or anything."

"Do you wish he would?"

Johanna said nothing but her gaze remained on Sarah's face. "Ah, you do wish he'd ask once in awhile," her grandmother said knowingly. "I thought so. Why don't you just mention it to him?"

"He wants me to stay out of the law unless it's teaching. I told him once that I could go to work with him and he told me it's best for me to stay retired."

"But after your run in with the media when you had a panic attack, he offered to take you to the office with him…you turned him down."

"I know; I needed that day for myself so I could try to pull myself back together."

"What else?"

"I didn't think he'd really want me there…and I wasn't sure if his colleagues would want me there either."

"Perhaps you could find a middle ground; maybe you could ask him if you could help him with the work he brings home. It would keep you out of the public eye so to speak until you're ready and it would also give you that focus you need. Maybe it would also help ease Jim's fears about you doing some work in the legal field."

"I don't know…"

"It can't hurt to talk about it, can it? You could ask him…if you're helping at home, he wouldn't even have to mention it to his colleagues if he didn't want to. I'm sure there are things you could look over; suggestions you could make; things you could organize. I believe the two of you always liked working together before; it might be good for both of you."

She exhaled a breath, a small spark of interest taking root within her. "I guess I could bring it up…I did send him to work in a good mood; hopefully it'll last all day and he'll be in a good mood when he comes home…it's always easier when he hasn't had a bad day."

"That's understandable. I'm sure if you just talk about it calmly and with interest, he'll come around. It would give you something to do."

"You say that like I have nothing to do now," Johanna remarked. "I have a house to tend to, meals to cook, laundry to do and all that other stuff that fills in the job description of being a wife."

"I know, dear; but you need to have something to focus your mind on other than housework. Maybe you should take the advice of Katie's young man and do some writing."

She laughed. "I don't know what I'd write about; I've never done that outside of a classroom."

"That doesn't mean you can't," Sarah replied. "I kept diaries as you know; you could do what he suggested; just write about what comes to mind, like your mother or a favorite memory. It could be good for you."

"I'll think about it."

"You're humoring me," her grandmother replied.

Johanna shrugged. "That's part of the grandmother-granddaughter relationship."

"Do you feel better about your visitations now?" Sarah asked; returning to their original topic.

"I guess so; I mean no harm has come from it…other than a little emotional distress but I live with that every day of my life so it's nothing new. Does this mean my visits aren't over?"

"You still have some people to see, dear."

"I suppose I'd be wasting my breath by asking whose next?"

Sarah smiled. "You know I can't tell you that."

"One of these days you're going to give in and tell me."

She shook her head. "Nope; that isn't going to happen."

Johanna shifted in her seat. "Is my father coming at all?"

Sarah eyed her. "Do you want him to come?"

"I don't care if he comes or not; I'd just like to know in advance."

"I think you do care; that's why it keeps weighing on your mind."

"I just want to know," Johanna stated. "I don't figure he'll come…it's not his style."

"You don't think so?"

"No; he won't want to pop in on me; he probably figures I'm a lost cause…he probably isn't wrong. I won't be offended if he doesn't come; it's not like I'm holding out hope, because I'm not. I'd just like to be prepared if he does come."

"Prepared in what way?" her grandmother asked.

"Just prepared to face whatever might come…prepared for his opinions."

"You assume they'll be bad," Sarah remarked.

"Well I haven't had much experience with them being good so…."

"What if you're wrong?" her grandmother asked.

"I don't really see that happening," Johanna replied. "I know what he'll say; he'll say I should've been smarter; that if I had done something differently somewhere along the line I wouldn't have ended up in this mess. He'll tell me how stupid I was to get involved with that case…Pulgotti was a member of the mob; I should've turned my back like everyone else."

"Do you really believe that you should've turned him away like all the others had?"

"Obviously," she stated. "All the other lawyers he wrote to haven't had to interrupt their lives and go into hiding. I had to do it…I don't know why but I did. I'm sure he's committed any number of crimes; I shouldn't have turned a blind eye to that."

"But he didn't commit the crime he was accused of," Sarah remarked.

"I know…but it could've been someone else's problem. It could've stayed his problem."

"Johanna; you know that you answered that letter despite his past, despite his ties, because you didn't want to see an innocent man rot away in a prison for a crime he didn't commit. I was around when you visited him in prison. When you looked at him, you didn't see some terrible person who belonged to the mob; you saw a person who had been wronged. You something good in him; he was kind to you; you even spoke of Katie to him and he spoke of his son to you. You saw the side of him that had the potential to take his second chance and be a better man."

She swallowed hard. "That's all true; but if I had known then what I know now; I wouldn't have been so soft hearted. I would've tossed that letter in the trash."

"No, you wouldn't; if you could go back knowing everything you know right now; you'd still take that case, Johanna. You'd take it and the information you knew and you'd find a different way to solve the problem since you held the key of this knowledge. You wouldn't turn your back; you'd feel the need to take down the nemesis who has upended your life."

"But I can't go back and do it differently; I'm stuck with this version," Johanna remarked.

"That's true…which is why your mother told you that you need to make your peace with it."

"I'm doing the best I can; why don't any of you believe it?" she asked tartly.

"Oh we believe that you think you're doing the best you can; but we know you're not; you can make better efforts. But we've gotten off topic yet again; we were discussing your father."

"None of these topics are too appealing," Johanna told her. "I think I'd rather go back to counting down the minutes until my husband comes home."

"You may as well have something to do while you wait; you have several hours to go," Sarah replied. "Now; about your father…"

"We've discussed him before."

"That doesn't mean we can't discuss him again; besides; you have the time and so do I."

Johanna leaned back in her chair and regarded the spirit perched on the piano bench. "Does all this talk about him mean he's coming?"

"All this talk is about helping you make your peace with him."

"I've made my peace with him."

Sarah laughed softly. "That's what you tell yourself but really, darling, you haven't."

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "It's hard to make your peace with someone who isn't here anymore. It's not like I can sit down and talk to him about it. It's not like I can apologize or change anything. I forgive him; I've said as much. His reasons were horrible but they were his reasons to have and at least I know the truth. I made my peace in the best way I can. There's nothing more to be done."

"I'm not so sure about that," her grandmother replied. "Why would you need to apologize to him?"

She shrugged a shoulder as she picked at her fingernail, her gaze studiously avoiding Sarah's. "I guess I need to apologize for the times I said I hated him…for feeling like I hated him…for being a thorn in his side. If I had known his reasons for his distaste of me, I would've tried to find some way to make it easier on him. I could've dyed my hair; I could've bit my tongue more often. I could've stayed away from him as much as possible when I was old enough to do so."

"Oh, Josie," Sarah said softly; her gaze trained upon her granddaughter's face. "He didn't want you to stay away. He missed you during the times when you did pull away. He loves you. He wouldn't want you to take the words in his letters as a way of taking the blame upon yourself. He accepts the blame for the way things were. It wasn't your fault."

"I know that!" she exclaimed. "But still; I would've tried to do something to make it better."

"There was nothing to do; don't you think you did try in some ways?" Sarah asked.

"Maybe it wasn't enough. I felt his distaste for me; it made me angry…as much as he fought against me, I fought against him. He didn't love me so I stopped loving him."

Sarah smiled softly; her tone gentle as she spoke. "No, you didn't, Johanna. You never stopped loving him; you might've told yourself that you did, but you didn't. You always loved him…that's why it hurt so much."

"And yet despite knowing my inner turmoil, you still won't tell me what to expect in that area; right?" she asked.

"You know I can't, dear. All I can tell you is that if he should come; don't be afraid; he's your father, and despite it all, he loves you…and with the truth now in your hands; he'd be free to share things with you."

"Maybe it's best to leave things the way they are," Johanna remarked. "Having a taste of what might have been; if that's even possible; would only make everything feel so much worse and I don't need that. I hope he doesn't come."

"You don't mean that," Sarah declared. "You're just trying to convince yourself that you don't care, that you don't want him to come; because you don't want to be disappointed if he doesn't arrive."

"I won't be disappointed."

"Don't lie to me," Sarah replied. "I'm your grandmother; I know how your mind works. I know what goes on in there. You want him to be on the guest list; you want to see him, but you're afraid of what seeing him might bring so you tell yourself that you don't want it, that you don't care and you won't feel hurt or disappointed if he doesn't come."

Johanna shifted in her seat. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. I don't think he'll come and you won't say one way or another so talking about it doesn't really accomplish anything, does it?"

"It makes you uncomfortable…it makes you antsy. You don't like to dig in that box too much."

"No, I don't," she said, her tone taking on a hint of an edge. "There's no reason to dig into it; it isn't going to change anything."

"It's alright, you know," Sarah said softly.

"What's alright?"

"To be conflicted about your feelings for him. You love him but a part of you doesn't want to…it doesn't want to feel those feelings when you feel like they were rarely returned. You want to hate him, you want to have the ability not to care but you're not built that way, darling. You're always going to care; you can't turn that side of you off. Just like you're always going to care about the people who've turned their backs on you, you're going to care what people think of you and what they say. You don't like it, but it'll be there; you just have to learn to deal with those feelings. I know your father is a sore spot for you despite the forgiveness you claim to have given him. Two letters don't make it all go away."

"Can we make this conversation go away?" Johanna asked.

"Don't go getting upset," Sarah chastened. "There's nothing wrong with this topic of conversation."

"Except the fact that I don't want to have it."

"I'm willing to overlook that," her grandmother remarked.

"I'm not."

"Well as long as one of us is reasonable, we'll continue. You know, you may not be the only one with mixed feelings. Your father loves you but he knows how easily upset you become when he's brought up as a topic of conversation. He feels badly about causing you so much pain and anxiety. If he is one of your visitors, and I'm not saying he is, it might be just as hard for him as it is for you. He'd have to face you now knowing that you know the truth and that the reasons were bad. Don't you think that would be difficult for him?"

She shrugged. "He always had that McKenzie arrogance; I'm sure he'd make it through just fine and if need be, find a way to blame someone else. That always makes things easier on him. But if you're talking about it being difficult for him to face me then I feel certain that he isn't coming and I'll be able to put it from my mind."

Sarah shook her head. "Stubborn girl. Just like your father."

Johanna pinned her with a look. "Do I insult you?"

"No, and I wasn't insulting you either. You are just like your daddy."

She rolled her eyes. "So much for my peaceful, relaxing morning. That'll teach me to call upon you."

"Oh hush; you're fine. You haven't talked to Katie in a few days…"

"I'm aware of that."

"Why haven't you talked to her?"

"Because I'm tired of always having to be the one to pick up the phone. If she wants to talk to me, she knows my number."

A smile touched Sarah's lips. "So maybe you are taking your mother's advice in a small way."

"I don't know about that. I hadn't talked to her in about two days before you came along for the first time. I'm sure I'll give in eventually just because of my compulsive need to know that she's fine."

"Perhaps you should let her give in to her compulsive need to know you're fine."

"I don't think she has one. She's gotten over her need to know…she only ever had it in the first place because I ended up being part of her job description."

"Now you know that isn't true," Sarah replied. "She never looked at you as a job."

"Well, whatever the case may be; she hasn't called and I haven't called her and I'm doing my best to be okay with that."

"And yet you're already talking about how you'll probably give in."

Johanna sighed. "You know, I'm not really into this thing of other people telling me how to handle my daughter. I gave birth to her; I think I know what I'm doing."

"No one has said that you don't know what you're doing; what's been said is that you need to stand your ground and let her find her way to you; not you running after her, saying 'here I am'. Perhaps your mother-in-law is right; maybe Katie does have her roles reversed. I believe she's gotten that way from the time you were under her care; although I admit, you did try to keep her in check on that; you did keep reminding her that you were the mother and she was the daughter. You have to keep subtly reminding her of that."

"Okay; I'll do that."

Sarah laughed. "Darling, your tactics of humoring someone are so obvious. You always say the same thing."

"That's because I'm hoping people will get the hint," she replied. "Clearly it doesn't work."

"Obviously not," Sarah replied; her eyes gleaming in amusement. "Because I'm not going anywhere and I don't drop topics easily."

"Wonderful," Johanna replied somewhat sarcastically. This would teach her to call in a ghost for a morning conference.

The backdoor opened and Jim stepped inside as Johanna checked on the ham slices she was keeping warm on the stove. He locked the door and sat down his briefcase before making his way to her; sliding his hands around her waist and turning her toward him. A soft smile slid across her lips as she looped her arms around his neck, settling into his embrace. "Welcome home," she murmured.

He dipped his head to capture her lips in a kiss. "I missed you," he told her, his hold tightening on her as his lips grazed the line of her jaw.

"I missed you too."

"I thought about you all day," he said, his tone low and loving, catching her lips in a searing kiss.

She gave a soft laugh; apparently he was still hoping for a repeat of the night before. "I thought you always thought about me all day," she couldn't help but tease.

"I do," Jim confirmed. "But even more so today."

She gave him a knowing look. "There's a certain hopeful sentimental attached to those thoughts."

He grinned as he gave her hip a gentle squeeze. "There's nothing wrong with hopeful sentiments…sometimes they become dreams that came true."

Johanna kissed him; her eyes gleaming with love and amusement. "Dinner first."

"You're such a stickler for that rule, sweetheart."

She laughed quietly. "I can't have you thinking I'm easy."

"What if I said I didn't mind?" he teased.

"I already know you wouldn't mind and the rule still applies," she told him before giving him one more kiss and then gentling pushing him back. "Dinner is ready; I better get it on the plates."

"What are we having?"

"Ham and baked potatoes."

"Sounds good," he replied as he moved to the sink to wash his hands.

Johanna put dinner on the table and poured him a cup of coffee before sitting down to join him. "How was work today?" she asked.

"It was fine; I have a lot of files to go over though."

She tried to squash the hopeful spark that sprang to life within her. Why did her ghostly visitors have to put it in her head that it might be nice to share in his work…that it might be nice to do something in her field once again? She didn't want to have the urge. She wanted to leave it in the past…and yet she knew that every time she saw Jim sit down at his desk to dive into casework that there was a little part of her that was jealous. She couldn't help but think that the work would be a good focus for her mind but she wasn't sure Jim would agree.

"A lot?" she repeated.

Jim nodded as he took a bite of the ham on his plate. "It's a big case; class action lawsuit, there's a lot of work to be done. I didn't think it was going to be as big as it is…I'm going to be working a lot this month, I hope you don't mind."

She shook her head. "Of course not, honey. I'm used to you working."

"But I was with you a lot over the summer."

"I know; and while I'm glad you were there as much as possible; I know you turned down a lot of work and I felt bad about that."

"I didn't; and besides the people who asked understood when I said I had to take some time off to tend to family matters. They all know now that I was spending that time with you and they understand it even more…and I've done work for them since then. This case is Zach's, as you know. He's trying not to be on edge about it, but you know how that goes."

"Yeah; I remember. I'm surprised Zach hasn't gotten in the semi-retired line with you and Jeff."

"He's never going to retire; not with two kids still in school."

"That's true; they're young, he still has college tuitions to think about."

"Yeah; and it's even more expensive now than when Katie was in college. I'm so glad we only had one."

"You've mentioned that several times," she replied with a laugh.

Jim gave her a grin. "See, I'm an easy man to please; you feed me, you take care of me, you give me a nice house and you only gave me one baby; you're the perfect wife."

"I wouldn't say perfect."

"You are to me," he said warmly.

An amused smirk touched her lips. "You're just trying to get me upstairs."

"Always; but I meant it anyway. How was your day?"

Johanna smiled wryly; a part of her wishing she could say 'Oh, I had another visit from my grandmother's ghost; she stopped by to enforce the stuff your mother's ghost filled my head with yesterday'. She swallowed the urge however and gave him a simple answer as she tried to gather the courage to ask to help him with his work. "Oh it was my usual day; housework, talk shows and Temptation Lane."

"Did they manage to piss you off today?" he asked lightly.

"No but the previews for tomorrow looks like it has the potential to piss me off."

He gave a short laugh. "Good, I enjoy watching you in the kitchen after one of your shows has riled you."

"Remember that one day when you laugh and I throw something at you."

"Sounds exciting," he teased. "And don't worry; I have faith in my ability to duck."

"We're going to test that theory one day," she replied; her foot rubbing against his leg.

"But not today; you're feeling far too affectionate for anything like that."

"You sure about that?" she asked.

Jim nodded. "Positive. Did you talk to Katie today?"

"No," Johanna answered as she picked up a bite of her baked potato. "Did you?"

"No; but I thought maybe you would have."

"Why? Is there something wrong?"

"No; I'm sure she's fine; I'm just surprised you haven't given in to the urge yet. It's been a few days."

"I know."

"I know it's probably bugging you."

"Only when I think about it," she said pointedly.

Jim's eyes met hers; getting the message she was trying to send. "Right; moving on. What else did you do today?"

"Nothing; I just did the usual. I didn't talk to anyone; I didn't buy anything online."

"I guess that's why I didn't get any alerts on my phone about the credit card being used."

She smiled "You can thank me later."

"Oh good; things are still looking promising; I was afraid I had diminished my chances with certain topics."

"Nope; you can hang on to your thread of hope…I did miss you today after all…I've been looking forward to when you'd get home."

He reached for her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "I tried to stay home with you but you made me go to work."

"Because Zach's depending on you."

"I could've been an hour or two late."

"Maybe some other time," she told him; a warm smile remaining on her lips. "I'm just glad you're home now."

"I hate leaving you alone so much," he confessed. "I know you probably get bored."

Johanna shook her head. "I always find something to do; don't worry about that. Believe me; I'm just happy to be at home."

"I know you are; but you were working up until you came home back in May; and while you were staying with Katie she was in and out checking on things and so were the boys; and I was there nearly every day. I wouldn't say you had a lot of alone time."

"There's nothing wrong with alone time."

"No; there's nothing wrong with having it sometimes but probably after awhile it gets to you…maybe that's why you think so much as you mentioned last night. You don't have a lot occupying you at the moment."

That was the perfect opening to broach the topic, Johanna thought to herself as picked up her knife to cut the slice of ham on her plate. But she wasn't quite sure that she should bring it up…what if it rocked the boat? What if it popped the bubble they had managed to get into after their talk last night? One serious discussion a week should probably be the limit.

"I just need to read more," she commented. "That'll shut up my brain. I read a lot over the summer to cover the silences with Katie and then when I got to come home I pulled back a little bit, wanting to savor my books but maybe I need to speed up again. Of course I also have that family tree research I've been doing online; that occupies me. I don't over think every day."

"I know; I just don't want you to dwell on things you don't need to."

"I'll try not to," she promised. "I'm fine; really…I don't get bored."

Jim's phone began to blare music from its place on the table where he had laid it down earlier. "Damn," he muttered as he reached for it to turn off the music. "It didn't do that at all yesterday and now it's starting again. I thought maybe it had fixed itself."

Johanna tried to keep from tapping her foot against the floor; she knew that Sarah had said she wasn't finished playing with Jim but she had a feeling that this occasion was a message to her telling her that she was in the room and well aware of the fact that she was chickening out of the conversation she probably should've started when the door opened to her daily habits.

"Maybe that ghost isn't finished playing with you yet," she suggested; trying to keep her voice devoid of nervous laughter.

"I guess not," her husband replied. "Maybe it really is a ghost."

She nodded. "I'd be willing to bet on it."

Jim looked at her oddly. "Why is that? Have you seen one lurking around?"

Several, she thought to herself but she couldn't mention that. "Well you know my paperweight is moved every day…so I just assume one is hanging around. I'm sure she's harmless."

"She?" Jim questioned as he continued to regard her. "How do you know it's a woman?"

Johanna picked up her cup of tea and took a long sip while mentally berating herself for allowing that to slip. "Just a feeling," she replied as she sat her cup down.

"And who does she belong to, me or you?"

Nervous laughter bubbled from her lips. "Oh I have a feeling she's mine."

"That would figure."

His phone went off again and he glanced at his wife before silencing it. "Is it your mother?"

She shook her head. "I don't think it's mom's style."

Jim continued to eye her. "You were talking about ghosts the other day…are you sure you haven't seen something?"

"I told you; I was watching a show on TV."

"It's awful funny that these mysterious things have been happening ever since you've watched that show."

"What mysterious things?" she asked.

"The phone playing music at random times; my pen going missing and then being found on the bookcase; your paperweight always being moved, your loss of sleep and your occasional topics about ghosts and your interest in whether I still believe."

"You said you do."

"I do; but you see a trend here, don't you? All of these things started happening at the same time."

Johanna shrugged. "Well, a ghost could be causing mischief."

"A female ghost…one of your relatives."

"That's the feeling I get," Johanna said as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

Jim had a feeling that his wife was keeping something from him in the realm of ghostly experiences. If she had seen a ghost or had any type of encounter with one, she could tell him; he wouldn't think she was crazy as she probably feared. She wouldn't be the first person to say they'd seen a ghost; his grandmother Lilly had often claimed to see his grandfather sitting in his favorite chair in the living room of their home. He never doubted her…especially when the scent of his grandfather's cologne could often be detected in the air of the house.

His phone began to play again, breaking into his thoughts and drawing his gaze back to his wife's face as she studiously kept her eyes upon her plate. "Which one of us is your friend mad at?" he asked her as he silenced the phone once again.

A nervous smile played on her lips. "Maybe she just likes you."

"Maybe she does," he replied. "But she doesn't usually do this in such a repetitious manner…seems like if a ghost is to blame, she's trying to send a message to someone."

Johanna's foot tapped against the floor. "Maybe she just feels like dancing or something. I'm sure if we ignore it that it'll stop."

His brow raised but he gave a slight nod. "Okay; we'll give that a try. What were we talking about?"

"Nothing important; just my daily habits but I think we were finished with that, weren't we?" she asked, her gaze flicking toward him; but her gaze caught on the figure standing behind him and her fork slipped from her fingers and clattered against the plate. Sarah McKenzie stood there in her green silk dress, her arms crossed and her gaze somewhat steely as she eyed her; silently chastening her for not broaching the conversation that she should've when the opportunity arose.

"What's wrong, Jo?" Jim asked; noting that his wife's face had paled and that she seemed to be staring at something behind him.

She shook off her surprise and picked up her fork as her grandmother vanished. "Nothing; I…I thought I saw something move outside."

Jim rose from the table and went to the backdoor, pulling back the thin white curtain to look outside. The air of the room turned chilly around her and Jo shivered as she felt Sarah's presence at her back. "Do it," her grandmother whispered firmly.

"There's nothing out there, Jo," Jim remarked as he made his way back to the table. "There's a few birds in the yard pecking at those breadcrumbs you threw out this morning, maybe you saw one of them fly past the window.

"That's probably what it was," she replied. "I'm sorry; you know I get paranoid."

He moved to her side and brushed a kiss against her temple before returning to his seat. "No need to be sorry; I'd rather look and have it be nothing than not look and it turn out to be something."

"True; I guess I just get…spooked…for lack of better words."

Jim smiled. "Let's shelve the ghost talk for now. Has the heat been working today, Jo; it feels kind of cold in here all of a sudden."

She nodded; knowing that the chill was coming from Sarah's presence…and the woman was still standing behind her, she could feel her, she could smell her Chanel No.5 and she did her best not to shiver. "It probably just feels a little chillier in here right now because the kitchen was warm from cooking and now the stove and oven have cooled down."

"That could be it," he said with a nod. "But if you think something's wrong with the furnace, let me know so I can check it."

"I will," she promised.

"Now; we were talking about your day," Jim stated.

"I thought we had moved on from that?" she replied; yelping slightly as she felt a flick at the back of her head.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah; I bit the inside of my lip on accident, that's all."

"Liar," Sarah whispered. "Do it."

Johanna wished she could swat the spirit behind her, and if her husband wasn't sitting at the table with her, she'd try, so instead she chose to ignore Sarah as best she could, although she could feel her slender cold fingers gripping the back of her chair now.

"Now; we were talking about how you spend your days and how you probably get bored," Jim said, buying her explanation.

"I'm not bored," she said, but then a finger poked her in the back. "Once in awhile I get a little bored…but not often."

"Maybe I should stay home with you more."

She shook her head. "There's no need; you enjoy the work and I want you to do what you enjoy. I'm sure I can pick up a few hobbies."

Another sharp poke in her back almost made her yelp but she caught herself in time. "Did you have something in mind for me to do?" she asked hopefully; thinking maybe he could spare her from asking.

Jim gave her a sympathetic smile. "No, sweetheart; not that I know of. Why don't you ask Rick if he has more things for his book that you could look over; you seemed to enjoy that."

"I did enjoy it but I doubt that Rick wants me proofreading all of his work; he has people for that."

Jim shrugged. "You said he liked the opinions you gave him."

"He did; and while I wouldn't mind doing that again if he asked, it wasn't exactly what I had in mind."

Jim looked up from his dinner. "You have something in mind?"

Her courage faltered and she licked her lips nervously. "Go on," Sarah whispered. "Just spit it out; it'll be fine."

"I, uh…I thought…"

"You thought what?"

She licked her lips once more, her stomach full of butterflies. "I thought maybe I could…help you with your work."

Jim was quiet for a moment, waiting for her laugh and say 'just kidding' but when she didn't and she continued to look at him nervously, he smiled. "You don't want to do that, sweetheart; besides, I can handle it."

Her heart fell; one of Sarah's hands moving to her shoulder and giving it a soft squeeze. "Don't give up, darling," she murmured. "Keep at him."

"I know you can handle the work," she said slowly. "But you did say there was a lot…so why can't I help? I know what I'm doing, I have a law degree."

"I know you do; but you don't know the details of the case or what I'm looking for."

"And you can't fill me in?"

"Jo," he sighed. "I wasn't suggesting you go back to work; I thought maybe you could find a hobby or take a class online or something."

"Take a class?" she asked. "For what? I already did my time in school."

"That doesn't mean you can't take something that interests you or something that maybe you always wished you could take a class for. You could brush up on your Italian."

Her eyes narrowed, fire licking her veins. "I know plenty of Italian…words you can't even begin to imagine."

"I believe I heard some of them while you were in labor," he remarked. "I thought a class could be fun for you; you like to learn new things."

"I don't want to take a class," she said firmly. "What's wrong with the idea I had?"

Jim shifted in his chair. "Johanna…."

"Here we go," she said. "It's always 'Johanna' when you mean business."

"It is your name, isn't it?" he asked tartly, not realizing the sting the remark would carry given her recent circumstances.

Johanna swallowed hard; feeling the hand at her shoulder tighten, Sarah's presence remaining near. "Yes; it's my name…but you always call me Jo unless there are special circumstances…like you not liking something."

"It's not like that; it's just that I don't need any help."

"You said you have a lot of files to go through; why can't I go through some for you?"

"Because we have all the people we need on this case."

"You don't have to tell anyone I'm helping you at home," she retorted.

"Johanna; you don't need to be involved in this line of work; you've paid your dues to the legal profession."

"Jim; no harm could come from me looking over files and making notes of whatever you need me to find. If something comes up that would need discussed with someone who's a part of this case; you'd handle that, not me."

"No."

"Jim; be reasonable," she sighed. "Why can't I help you? It could just be between us. You're so worried about me having things to do and yet when I ask you for something, you tell me no."

"I want you to have things to do, but not my job! It's my work and I'll do it."

"You say that like I was trying to take something from you," Johanna remarked. "I wasn't trying to take over your job; I was asking to assist; to do whatever you assigned me. It would make the work go faster and you know you can trust me to do it right."

He blew out a breath. "Johanna; do you realize how long it's been since you've worked on a case?"

"I'm well aware of how long it's been," she said sharply. "What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?"

"You're out of practice."

She smirked at him; anger welling up within her. "That's not what you were saying last night."

Jim leaned back in his chair and bit back a wry smile. "That's not what I meant and you know it. You haven't been involved in a case in a very long time."

"Oh and so much has changed; right?" she asked sarcastically. "Because it isn't like I had to stay up to date to teach my students…my law students that is. Do you think I just used some 1990s hand me down textbooks to teach? I'm probably more up to date about tactics and evidence gathering than you are!"

"I doubt that," he retorted; "And let's not get carried away."

"Too late," she said caustically.

"Johanna; we agreed; you're retired from the law."

"I didn't know I was asking to take a case before the jury. All I asked was to help you with your work; just a little busy work to occupy and hour or two of my day; work that you would be free to look over and make sure it meets your satisfaction; work done with your knowledge and basic supervision. What's so wrong with that?"

"You're not a lawyer anymore, Johanna."

Her gaze remained pinned on him. "I have a degree; I'm a lawyer…you even tell me to think like a lawyer when I get upset, so don't you sit there and tell me I'm not one because I will always be one; that's a part of who I am and you can't change that."

"I didn't say I was trying to," he said tersely. "I said you're not a lawyer anymore because in the eyes of the state of New York, you're not. You haven't renewed your registration."

"That's easily remedied," she shot back.

"I said no," Jim stated firmly. "You're done with the law, Johanna. You said so yourself and you're going to stick to it."

"I don't think I need to be registered to help you look through files," Johanna told him.

"I don't need your help. If you want something to do that badly; find a class or a book to teach you something."

"Like what? Knitting? You want me to just settle down and start knitting like some old woman? Well let me tell you something, Jim Beckett; that day will never come. I will not be pushed into getting old before my time!"

"I'm not pushing you into getting old before your time!" he yelled back. "If that was the case, we wouldn't have a sex life."

"Chances are looking good that you're not going to have one for awhile after this meal," she shot back.

"Like I didn't see that coming," he replied. "I'm well versed in your form of punishment; it's called 'stay on your own side of the bed and don't touch me or I sleep downstairs'. We've been there and done that more times than I care to remember."

Johanna's chin raised an inch, an arrogant gesture that reminded him of Frank McKenzie. "It's a very effective form of punishment."

"Use it all you want; you're not getting involved with any legal work, I don't care how small or unimportant. Find something else."

She crossed her arms over her chest, not realizing that she was mirroring the same stance that Sarah had held earlier. "You're really telling me no? You're really sitting there saying that you don't think I'm good enough to look through some files and make notes for you."

"I didn't say you weren't good enough."

"You said I'm out of practice."

Jim nodded. "You are; it's been nearly fourteen years since you did any case work; and I don't care what you had to keep up with in order to teach; the fact remains that your skills haven't been used in over a decade…and they may have deteriorated."

She felt the tears stinging her eyes but she refused to let them fall despite the tightness in her throat. "You know, I thought the worst thing you could ever say to me was the day you looked me in the face in Katie's kitchen and said that you regretted marrying me…and really that is the worst thing you ever said to me; but this…that I'm not good enough, that you don't have enough faith in my ability to keep my mind and skills sharp in this area; that hurts almost as much. You keep your work, Jim. I don't want any part of it; I didn't realize I was sitting in the presence of the greatest legal mind since Perry Mason! God knows I wouldn't want to upstage you by finding something you might miss."

Jim dropped his fork. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means the small details were always my forte, not yours…you sometimes have a habit of overlooking those…or don't you recall that? Don't you recall the times when I've had to find them for you?"

His eyes narrowed. "Don't act like I've never straightened out a wrinkle in one of your cases, Miss McKenzie," he said tartly.

"Oh, demoted to the maiden name," Johanna said smugly. "I'm just shaking in my heels now. Does that mean you've changed your mind about that regret?"

"You know I don't regret marrying you!" he yelled. "I explained that and we got past it so don't you throw that in my face; that's playing dirty, Johanna."

"Like you're not playing dirty by playing the 'you're out of practice' card just so you can keep me under your thumb and tell me what to do?"

"I am your husband," he said sternly.

"I'm aware of that; I was at the wedding; I was the one in the white dress."

"I am your husband," he said again, ignoring her sarcasm laced comment; "And I'm the head of this household; what I say, goes. Maybe if I had put my foot down years ago I could've spared you a lot of trouble, because if I had known you were even thinking about working on the case of a mob member, I would've found a way to keep you from doing it. I would've never allowed it if I had known before you got into it."

"Maybe if you had been listening to me, you would've known I was taking the case. I tried to tell you, Jim; I tried to talk to you about that letter I got but you were too wrapped up in your multi-million-dollar class action lawsuit to listen to anything I had to say about my cases, which clearly in your opinion were paling in comparison to yours at that time. I didn't deliberately keep it from you; you just weren't listening!"

The comment was like a slap across his face. Maybe she had tried to tell him…maybe he hadn't been listening. He had been wrapped up in his own cases during the timeframe of her getting involved in Pulgotti's case. He had felt like he had made time for her back then even though his schedule had been busy; they had their date nights and their usual everyday meals together; time together in the evening…but when talk turned to work, he could well remember dominating the conversation with talk of that huge case he was working and the smaller ones that were also worth a pretty penny.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "Maybe you're right; maybe I wasn't listening back then."

Johanna swallowed hard. "I didn't tell you that now to make you feel badly; I never intended to tell you that you just weren't listening when I first started working on it. I don't want you to take any of that on your shoulders and start blaming yourself because it's not your fault, it's mine. I'm sorry I even mentioned it."

He shook his head. "It's okay that you did; you don't have to put on rose colored glasses and pretend that it didn't happen. Sometimes I ignore things I shouldn't. I'm sorry I didn't listen back then; I wish I would have. There's always been a part of me that's blamed myself for what happened, Johanna; I can't change that anymore than you can change the way you feel about it but I know how to deal with it. I don't dwell on it because I can't change it; all I can do is be thankful that you were spared so you could come home when the time was right. Now I think we should stop this conversation before we start hurting each other's feelings in the pursuit of winning…because neither one of us wins when we start doing that."

A soft scoff crossed her lips and she wished for a moment that she could turn and bury herself in the embrace of her ghostly grandmother who remained quietly at her back. "My feelings were hurt as soon as you told me that you didn't require my assistance and that I'm no longer capable of the job."

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you," he murmured.

"It's fine; don't worry about it," she said as she pushed back from the table and picked up her plate.

"Jo…"

"Finish your dinner, Jim; and then go do your work. Don't worry; I don't plan on bothering you. I'll take my laptop into the living room and start looking for a new hobby."

"Johanna, please don't be like this…we were in a good place, let's not backtrack here."

She scrapped the remains of her dinner into the trash can. "We're not backtracking; we said we could be honest with each other and now we have been…we won't be having a repeat of last night, but we'll be fine just the same. You know me; I just require a night to get over things. I'll be fine tomorrow."

"We'll find you something to do to keep you occupied," Jim stated. "I know another teaching job isn't viable right now with all the attention on you but maybe when things settle down, you can find a part time position at one of the universities."

Johanna began to stack the dishes, hating herself for bringing up the topic and hating the spirits who put it in her head. She noticed that Sarah had vanished and she was glad. "I'm sorry I brought it up," she admitted. "Really I'm not interested in finding a job at the moment. I'm happy to stay home. Winter is always a somewhat boring time…when spring comes I'll have my roses to tend to and maybe I can't plant some flowers in front of the house. I always wanted to do that."

"You can plant all the flowers you want."

"Maybe you could find a little patch out back somewhere where I could have a small garden; maybe grow some tomatoes and cucumbers, small things."

"You could do that," he told her.

"I have plenty to do in the meantime. The attic could stand to be cleaned out and straightened up. I have a stack of books that haven't been read. I need to practice the piano more and I have my running to do on the treadmill. I have my family tree research and my usual housework. The holidays will be here soon; I have a lot to think about and plan. I have housework and laundry and grocery shopping. These windows need cleaned and the curtains washed…really I should probably look around online for some new curtains, these ones here in the kitchen have held up nicely but it might be nice to have something new."

"You can buy whatever you want," Jim said; his tone gentle. "But you're rambling, Jo…you're rattling off a list to prove that you're fine."

"I am fine. I might want a teaching position one day but not anytime soon…really I don't want to go back to work. Work was all I had for a long time and now that I'm home and I have you and Katie, I don't need it. I'm sorry I brought it up, I don't know what possessed me…now our evening is ruined."

He sighed and rose from the table, moving to the sink where she stood with her back to him. He turned her to face him and pulled her into his arms. "Nothing's ruined," he murmured as he held her tightly. "I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings, I never meant to…I just don't like the thought of you doing law work, even if it isn't anything that could get you into trouble; even if I'm hovering over your shoulder while you do it. It's just worrisome for me…I can't help it."

"It's okay, I understand. I've known it all along and yet I let that foolishness in my head. I won't mention it again. I'll look around and see if I can find some online class to take to fill some time during the winter. Come spring when I can get outside and plant my flowers, I'll have more to do."

Jim held her tightly; feeling like he'd made a serious error in his handling of the situation. "Do you want to go to a movie?" he asked; trying to find some way to smooth over this bump.

"No; not tonight, honey. It's cold out and by the time we'd get ready, we'd have to catch the showing at eight…and I'm still a little leery about being out late in the evening when it's dark. I know you're with me and it's probably silly but I worry about what could be lurking."

"It's not silly," he said as he pressed a kiss to her hair. "Maybe over the weekend we can go see a movie; one of the earlier showings."

She pulled back and managed a smile for him. "Sounds good…maybe we can go to our favorite Italian place for dinner?"

"Of course we can," he told her before kissing her. "Let's take Saturday and just make it a whole day for us, okay? And I don't care who might be taking our picture…we'll just ignore it and mind our own business."

She nodded. "I'm looking forward to it."

"Do you want me to help you with the dishes?"

"No, you go on; go do your work," she replied before giving him a quick kiss. "The kitchen is my domain; I don't need any help."

Jim gave her a halfhearted smile at her attempt to bring humor back to the room. "You won't get any interference from me," he said before stealing another soft kiss. "I'll get another cup of coffee and I'll get out of your hair."

Johanna finished gathering up the dirty dishes while Jim got his coffee and then abandoned the kitchen for the safety of the office. She blew out a breath as she waited for the sink to fill and she knew the moment Sarah reappeared, even before the chill in the air registered. She glanced to her side and saw Sarah standing there, an apologetic look on her face.

"I'm sorry, darling; I didn't think it would go that badly," the spirit murmured.

"Well now you know," Johanna whispered. "And I'll thank you and the others not to meddle in my marriage anymore."

"We're not meddling; we're encouraging you to do what's best for you."

She scoffed. "Yeah; that little conversation was really good for me. I could've had a perfectly nice evening with my husband but thanks to your pushing, now it's going to be tense and strained. Thank you so much."

"Johanna; you didn't do anything wrong by asking and we didn't do anything wrong by encouraging you. Maybe you gave in a little too easily about this; he'll think you don't really want it."

"I don't care," she said as she dunked glasses into the soapy water. "I gave up because one of the first things they teach you in law school is to know your opponent. The more you push at him, the more ways he finds to dodge you. I told Elizabeth that he doesn't want me in that line of work; but apparently you didn't believe me. I don't know what possessed me to listen to you."

"You listened because it's what you wanted," Sarah said tersely. "Don't turn this on me. It may not have gone as easily as you would've liked, but if you kept at it, he probably would've given in, but you didn't. The second you thought you said something that might distress him, you started pulling back and retreating from the battle."

"Sometimes a tactical retreat is best."

"Only when you're taking the coward's way."

Johanna glared at her. "Leave me alone. I think I'm done with all of this visitation nonsense; it's not helping anything; it's just pushing me into more trouble I don't need."

Sarah shook her head. "We're not going to let you alone…you're not getting out of your visitations. We won't stop encouraging you to do what you should."

"I don't have to listen to you; I can do what I damn well please."

"Perhaps that's an attitude you should save for your husband."

Johanna's hands smacked the soapy water in aggravation. "Just stop; I don't want to hear anymore. I made enough trouble for tonight and I'm not looking for more."

Sarah pursed her lips as she eyed her. "You can pout all you want," Johanna told her. "It's not going to change anything."

Sarah said nothing and after a moment she vanished; disappearing in a whoosh of cold air. Johanna breathed deeply and released a heavy breath. She didn't need this aggravation in her life. She loved her grandmother and didn't want to offend her but she was meddling in an area that didn't need it and she wasn't going to send her marriage crashing down all because of a mischievous ghost who couldn't mind her own business. Sarah didn't know Jim the way she did; she knew when to pick her battles and this wasn't a battle she felt needed waged at the moment. Why couldn't everyone just let her sort out her own business?

She roughly washed a glass and in the distance, she heard Jim's phone blast loud music once again. Apparently Sarah hadn't completely left the building…but at least she was bothering Jim and not her.

By the time she and Jim settled into their bedroom for the evening, Johanna felt wrong in assumption that Sarah was only making a nuisance of herself to Jim by setting off his phone every ten minutes. They had both been the victims of her apparent ire. For some unfathomable reason, two of the glasses she had dried after washing the dishes had managed to fall over on the counter and roll off, crashing to the floor, sending glass shards flying everywhere. She had spent the better part of a half hour sweeping and vacuuming to make sure she had gotten every tiny sliver of glass off the floor. The lights had been flickering all evening. When she had gotten into the shower, the hot soothing water she had been standing under suddenly turned icy cold, making her cry out in surprise…leading her husband to barge into the room to see what was wrong. The same treatment had been bestowed upon him when he took his shower. When he had finished his evening routine, Jim had gone directly to the basement to check the hot water tank and the furnace too. He found nothing wrong with either one.

The remote had misbehaved when trying to operate the TV in the living room and as she laid on her side of the bed and watched Jim try to channel surf, she realized the problem had followed them upstairs. The files on his desk had fallen on the floor twice; her laptop had been unplugged, it's battery left uncharged and her paperweight was missing. Johanna frowned as she pressed her cheek into her pillow…apparently hell had no fury like an angry ghost.

Jim smacked the remote against his palm, trying in vain to get it to work but the channel remained stuck on some program about ghosts that he didn't think was a proper bedtime viewing experience…especially when it seemed like some angry spirit was occupying their home. Frustration made him get out of bed and he moved toward the flat screen television hanging on the wall, his fingers seeking out the smooth flat buttons at the bottom of the screen. He smiled as the channels began to turn; perhaps he had beaten it at its own game. He settled on an episode of Gunsmoke and made his way back to bed but before he could get there, the bedroom door flew open and slammed against the wall, making his wife flinch and jolt upright. He sighed and went to the door, pushing it close once more.

"I think your friend is mad at us, Jo," he said as his phone began to play on the nightstand.

"Seems like something is," she replied; thinking that apparently Sarah wasn't keeping her word about staying out of their bedroom once the door was closed, because clearly she was there. "Can you get me another blanket while you're up; I feel chilly."

Jim went to the closet and opened the door but before he could reach for the blanket on the top shelf, it fell out and landed at his feet. He picked it up and closed the door, heading back to the bed to tuck it around his wife. "What did we do to anger her?"

"I don't know; maybe she's just feeling sensitive."

As soon as the comment faded from her lips, her phone sprang to life on the nightstand, Cher's 'If I Could Turn Back Time' playing at full volume. The noise startled her and she reached for the phone to silence it and instead sent it tumbling to the floor, the music still playing. She suppressed a scream of frustration as she leaned out of the bed and grabbed her phone from the floor.

"Looks like she's after your phone now too," Jim declared while he settled back into his spot.

"Obviously," she said tersely; thinking that Sarah had no room to talk about her temper when she clearly had one of her own that either matched it or surpassed it.

"Should we apologize to our ghost?" he asked; only half joking…it did seem more and more likely that they had a spirit lurking about…and he had a feeling his wife knew more about her than she claimed.

"No; she'll get it over it."

The sound of Johanna's bottles of lotion falling over on the vanity sounded as soon as the comment left mouth.

"You sure about that?" Jim asked as he looked in the direction of her vanity and saw the three tubes of lotion laying down on the surface…the small cup of makeup brushes taken down with them, the smallest brush rolling to the floor.

"She's clearly having a temper tantrum," Johanna remarked. "We should just ignore it and she'll get tired of it."

"That didn't work with Katie when she was three and I have a feeling it isn't going to work now."

"Well I don't think you can give a ghost a swat across her backside to settle her down…although if you could, I'd be all for it. We'll just have to ride it out."

The bottles of her nail polish fell over on the vanity next and she squeezed her eyes shut, doing her best to ignore the disturbance that was filling the air with coolness and making mischief.

"I say we apologize and beg for forgiveness," Jim stated as the lights flickered.

"Go ahead if you want to," Johanna replied. "She's not scaring me."

"She's not scaring me either but I'd like to have some peace so I can go to sleep after the show is over," he said with a nod at the TV.

"Well then go ahead; see if it does any good."

"It might help if you seem apologetic too."

Johanna sighed. "I'm sorry for whatever I did to offend you, ghost. Please let us be now; Jim has to work in the morning."

"I'm sorry too," Jim added.

The bedroom door flew open, crashing into the wall once again. "I don't think she believes us," he said as he got out of bed to shut the door.

"Well then I guess we'll just have to bear it until she gets over it."

"I hope that's soon…I'm not sure what we did that might've pissed her off."

"Probably something that isn't any of her business anyway," Johanna stated.

Both phones began to play music; the alarm clock blaring as well; her bottle of perfume finding its way from the vanity to the carpet where it landed with a thud; the lights flickering, the TV flipping to a repeat of Matlock and the door slamming open again.

"Good God," Jim stated. "Quit being a smart ass to her, Johanna; you're pissing her off."

"She's pissing me off!" she exclaimed.

"Tell her you're sorry like you mean it," he replied. "This is crazy! Why is she here anyway? We never had a ghost problem before that I know of."

Johanna breathed in and exhaled slowly. "I'm sorry," she said sincerely, hoping Sarah was in the mood to listen. "I angered you…maybe we both did; we're sorry; please stop now…this isn't accomplishing anything. Please; just settle down and go home, okay? If you want to come back when you're feeling better, that's fine; but maybe we need some space tonight. No one intentionally set out to hurt your feelings."

The room began to warm; the lights remaining steady and the phones and clock going silent. Johanna sighed softly; she hadn't meant to offend her grandmother; really she hadn't…she was just hurt…angry…frustrated. "I'm sorry, Sarah," she thought to herself; hoping the woman was using that mind reading ability to hear the more personalized apology. "We'll talk about it tomorrow…if you come back."

A cool breeze swept through the warming room, the feel of a hand brushing over her hair, the gesture soothing, as if accepting the apology and then it was gone, along with the last whoosh of cool air. Johanna relaxed; Sarah was settled now, maybe they'd be able to have some peace.

"Maybe you should do some research about the topic of ghost whispering," Jim commented. "Or maybe we need to get that show and see if we can learn something."

"I'd rather not," she replied. "Maybe she's okay now."

"Hopefully," he said as he pulled his wife close and allowed her to snuggle into his side. He still felt like things were tense between them thanks to their dinner conversation and he wished he could rewind the clock and change the topic they had landed upon during their meal. "I love you, you know?" he asked quietly.

"I know," she said; her arm tightening around him. "I love you too."

"I'm sorry about earlier."

"I'm sorry too."

"I never meant to hurt you, Jo."

"I know; and if I hurt you, I didn't mean to."

"You didn't; you were just being your sassy self."

She leaned up and kissed him. "Let's just forget about what happened at dinner and put it behind us, okay?"

He nodded. "Okay."

Johanna gave him a soft smile. "Let's just watch our show and then get some sleep…things will look better in the morning."

Jim held her tighter. "I'm sure you're right, sweetheart."

Sometime before dawn, Jim found himself in that awkward position of dreaming and yet being completely aware of the fact. He hated dreams like that; he always tried to rail against them and break free of it, dragging himself to complete wakefulness but this time he couldn't escape the web. In his dream he was sitting at his desk, his stacks of files at hand. A woman appeared in front of him, clad in a green silk dress and her dark hair pulled back elegantly. At first glance he thought the woman was his wife. "Jo?" he said. "Are we going out?"

"I'm not Johanna," his visitor declared; her voice different from his wife's and yet carrying a familiar note all the same…something in the inflection of the way she said the word 'not'…it was a trait his wife had. She also had Johanna's green eyes and her chin. "Who are you?" he asked. "Why are you here?"

"Does it matter who I am?"

He shrugged. "I'm usually more inclined to listen when I know who I'm speaking to."

"My name is Sarah."

"Sarah?" he repeated.

"You're not doing her any favors," the woman stated; brushing off his questions about her identity.

"Who?"

"Johanna…you're not doing her any favors at all."

"What are you talking about?"

Sarah picked up a file on his desk. "She really didn't ask you anything unreasonable; she only wanted to help with your work. She needs the distraction."

He balked at being told how to handle his wife from some stranger…who admittedly bore a resemblance to her. "What business is it of yours?"

Her eyes narrowed, an icy glare pinned upon him. "She's always been my business; she's my family. All she wants is to feel like she's doing something; she misses her work. Her training shouldn't be going to waste; you have plenty of work here; you could share with her; it wouldn't hurt either one of you."

"I don't want her involved with legal work."

"Yes, I know; and I know why; but honestly, Jim; there's no harm to be found in these folders," she remarked as she threw done the one she had been holding. "No one would even have to know she's helping; you wouldn't have to tell anyone if you don't want to."

Jim blew out a breath. "If I start this, she'll get a taste of it and she'll want to go back and I can't let her do that. I won't let her get hurt again."

"I don't believe she has any desire to take on a criminal case that could get her into trouble. She just wants something to do; something to make her feel accomplished. She has such a wonderful legal mind; she wants to use it, let her!"

He shook his head. "I can't do that."

Sarah put her hands on her hips. "You, sir, are a very selfish man, you're not thinking about her wellbeing when you make this decision for both of you; you're only thinking of yourself. She wasn't even asking to leave the house to do this work; she just wanted something to occupy a little of her time during the day; work she even stated that you could look over and supervise, but you want to act like a caveman and say no, telling her that you're the man and you make the rules; well let me tell you something, buster; one day you're going to push her too far and she's going to do what she damn well pleases whether you like it or not! Don't push her to that point, Jim. You say you're not trying to clip her wings and yet you are; you think you're doing such a big favor by letting her go out in her car…but you know what; it means nothing when you're trying to hold her down in other aspects just to keep your mind at ease. Quit thinking about yourself so much and think about her and how she feels! Do you even know how much courage it took for her to even ask you to include her in your work?"

Jim took offense to Sarah's tirade. "I'm not selfish!"

"Well you're certainly not fair," she retorted. "It took a lot of courage for her to ask you to let her join in your work and you laughed in her face and told her she wasn't good enough. How could you? Doesn't she have enough people pushing her down into the mud without her own husband doing it? Why can't she help you? Are you afraid she'll do a better job than you?"

"No," he said tartly.

"Do you really think she lacks the ability to do the job?"

"No, I don't think she lacks the ability. I just don't want her doing it. Her career is what got her in trouble and we agreed that it's best for her to stay retired from the law. If she wants to teach, that's fine; practicing law in any form is out."

Sarah eyed him sternly. "What happened to her could've just as easily happened to you. You're a lawyer; I'm sure your career has put you in danger at times."

"That's beside the point. Danger has come a hell of a lot closer to her than it ever did to me. I'm not letting it happen again."

"It's not going to happen again. All she wants is some busy work to keep her occupied."

"She can clean out the attic like she said."

Anger flashed across Sarah's face and she swept her arm across the corner of the desk, sending his files flying to the floor. "You're one of the most pig-headed men I've ever met!" she exclaimed. "You want her to heal, you want her to feel better, do better, be herself…and yet you keep holding her down like a butterfly you're trying to pin to a board. You let your fears rule you just as much as she lets hers rule her; and worse yet, your fears get heaped onto her shoulders as well because she feels like it's her duty to carry the responsibility for them and to act accordingly. She gave in to your demands tonight because she's so afraid to rock that boat too much; because she feels like she owes it to you to let you dictate her life. If she lets you make all the decisions, you won't have any reason to change your mind and send her away; you won't have to regret the choice of allowing her to come home."

Sarah paused to see if Jim would interject but he remained silent, his gaze pinned upon her. She figured she had his attention so she continued on. "She's so desperate to keep you from changing your mind; to keep you from leaving her. She makes sure your feelings come first and above hers; and to make sure your feelings are taken care of, she happily suffocates herself because she can't bear to anger you too much, she can't bear the thought of that anger morphing into the possibility of you sending her away. She already had to live without you once; she can't stand the thought of doing it again. She loves you so much that she's willing to let you keep her under your thumb for as long as she can if it means you're happy. Don't you get that you come first to her? It's you and then Katie…and she rarely ever puts herself on the list; she's too busy trying to making amends, trying to toe lines, trying to find a way to make everything calm and peaceful. What she wants, feels and desires often goes unspoken and unfulfilled because she doesn't want to upset you."

"Johanna knows she can tell me anything," Jim remarked; his tone low and even.

The woman before him gave a slight shake of her head. "Don't you see what you're doing to her? You think because you drag her out of the house once a week and graciously allow her to go out in her car without accompaniment that you're really doing something to further her progress…and I'll give you that it helps in a small way, but in other ways you're hindering. There's nothing wrong with being protective; there's nothing wrong with a little coddling…but you go too far with it. Let her do something. Let her have something before she reaches her breaking point and explodes from the pressure of bowing to everyone's whims but her own. She's going to get to the point one day where she rebels, consequences be damned."

"She's not a teenager," he retorted.

"No; but she's a woman carrying a lot of weight…and there's going to be a breaking point. There's going to be a moment when she has to let it all go and break free of that weight…and how she does that is going to depend on the people around her. You can either help her navigate or you can get burned by the blaze when she goes off."

Worry filled his gaze. "She's going to leave me?" he asked, a tremor in his voice.

"No," Sarah said, her tone softening as she gave a shake of her head. "She's never going to leave you but things could get rocky as she finds her way. You have to stop trying to keep her in a gilded cage. Let her breathe, Jim. Let her touch and taste more of her roots. The law is a part of her life's fabric. Let her do a little work; I swear to you, no harm will come to her because of it. There isn't anything in those folders that can hurt her; it doesn't even have to be known that she did anything. What matters is that she knows. The real harm comes from keeping her in that cage. Support these little baby steps she's taking to reclaim herself. You love her, don't you?"

"Of course I do. I love her more than anything."

Sarah smiled. "Then let go a little; let go of some of those fears, ease up the grip you have on the choices she makes. She's still going to need you as much as always but you'll be helping her in a better way. She's trying so hard to put all the pieces back together, and she's doing it for you most of all, because she wants the two of you to know nothing but happiness. Give in a little, Jim. It won't hurt; a little anonymous behind the scenes work won't hurt her at all; it'll make her feel good."

Jim released a weighted breath. "I'll think about it."

His visitor frowned. "Don't just think about it, do it. Do it for her; you can handle a day of a little more anxiety…because once you come home and see that she's perfectly fine and finished with the task you gave her, you're going to realize how silly it was to refuse her in the first place."

"I promise, I'll think about it."

"Think real hard," Sarah stated; the infliction of her voice once again reminding him of Johanna as she turned and moved toward Johanna's desk across the room. He watched as she sat down the hand painted butterfly paperweight on the desk. His breath caught and she looked over her shoulder and gave him a smile. "I know that's not the exact spot where she keeps it, but I like to move it so she knows I'm around."

He said nothing, stunned by the statement. "Do the right thing," Sarah implored. "You'll both feel better."

The next thing Jim knew, the sound of his phone blaring music on the nightstand jolted him awake, early morning sunlight streaming through the slats of the blind.

"Stop it, Sarah," Johanna mumbled sleepily at his side; jerking his gaze toward her even as he fumbled with the phone to silence it.

"Jo?" he said quietly.

His wife didn't stir; her eyes still closed and her breathing even as she continued to sleep…but the words that had tumbled from her lips kept ringing in his ears. She had said 'Sarah'…and Sarah was the name of the woman in his dream. Who the hell was Sarah? He laid there quietly; his mind working through a list of Johanna's relatives, first on Naomi's side and then Frank's…and then it hit him. Sarah was the name of Frank's mother. Sarah was Johanna's grandmother…the elusive face of the past that her father had held against her. The woman she had been named for; Sarah Johanna Riley McKenzie. He carefully sat up on the bed to keep from disturbing Johanna and he scrubbed a hand over his face. The spirit that was lurking in their home must be Sarah…and Johanna had had some kind of experience with her to know it was her. It explained the talk about ghosts, the sleeplessness, the nervousness…it explained why she classified the 'ghost' as a woman who was related to her.

Jim wanted to wake her and drag it out of her but he held back…his own possible experience making him reluctant. He could understand why she was clearly reluctant to tell him about her knowledge of this certain ghost that had found her way into their home. He was sure she thought he'd think she was crazy…just as he had a slight fear that she might think he was crazy if he woke her and told her about his dream. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before rising from the edge of the bed. He made sure the covers were tucked around Johanna and then he quietly left the room.

Once he was downstairs, Jim made a beeline to the office, wanting to see if the room was the way he had left it the night before. As he crossed the threshold of the room, goosebumps rose on his arms as he glanced at his desk and saw that his stacks of files were now lying on the floor in the same spot they had been in his dream. Slowly he turned to look at Johanna's desk…and there upon it was the paperweight that had been missing all evening the night before…the one he saw Sarah sit down in his dream; and it was sitting exactly where he had seen her put it. "Oh lord," he muttered. His dream had just taken on a very real quality.