Christian's POV – 14 July 2011
The realisation that Gail and Taylor are part of my family grabs my cold heart and squeezes it hard and instinctively Ana turns in my arms and hugs me tight bringing me back to where we are as I shakily rub my hand over my eyes, I am starting to understand what Ana keeps telling me, there are a lot of people that appear to hold affection for me and I don't know if can stand it..
The one thing that no-one can mess with is my family and realising that my family is expanding with Ana's presence is opening all those chinks in my armour. If I accept that I do actually care deeply for so many people, then I am back to being the small boy whose whole world was his mom and then lost her and therefore lost everything. I can't care so much for others that their loss paralyses me but I don't know how to do anything other than by extremes.
So if I admit that I care for all these people as well, I will worry about them like I do Ana, my fears for her and my immediate family are almost driving me insane and adding even just Taylor and Gail, let alone my most loyal and indispensable employees, Ros, Andrea, Welch and Barney just to mention the closest ones into the mix and I see so many opportunities where a fuckup on my behalf could compromise their safety. Worse is the fear that plays constantly on my mind, the fact that any of my past indiscretions could still pop up and who knows which disgruntled employee from a hostile takeover is going to take aim at one of these people.
Before this attack, it was all academic, plans were in place for a kidnapping but it was all theory and with what happened not falling anywhere within any of the plans, neither in terms of the way the attack was planned nor the resolution, we need to do a lot more planning. We need to try to stay more than a few feet in front of those willing to go to any length to get to me, we know that the glider accident was no accident but still don't know the links and we knew something was going to happen but couldn't put our finger on it. If it hadn't been for Ana's hyper-vigilance and Gail's calm under pressure, we would have been dealing with a much worse situation. At least now Lincoln is dead but who else is still out there plotting and for what end?
I spent last night unable to sleep and even my angel Ana hasn't been able to help despite her best attempts as her own recurring nightmare has been replaced by a worse one based this time on having lived through her worst fears, a kidnap and watching me about to be killed. Apparently the only differences between what happened and the amorphous threat in her prior recurring nightmare were that in the nightmare she was bound and gagged by her mother and watching her mother pull the trigger to kill me on our wedding day after she had made her watch me marry Elena instead.
From the moment I caught her in my arms after she shot the gun out of Lincoln's hands she hasn't wanted to let go of me and in that whole time, the tremor has not left her body. At the hospital while talking to my mother, I let go of her as I dropped into a pit of despair that I'd brought all this onto those that I love and my valued employees, it was Ana looking into my eyes with utter devastation at my words "that everyone would have been better off if Lincoln had shot me and gotten rid of the "prize" that all the loonies were after" that stopped me from tipping over the edge.
It was her horrified guttural cry as I sank to my knees in the hospital uttering those words that had me looking up and immediately contrite at the extra pain those particular words were causing her and it was like an arrow pierced my chest, her pain was mine and I knew there was never going to be a time where my selfishness was ever going to be ok, no longer could I just think of myself, I had to understand that our hearts beat together, my heart beats in Ana and hers in mine, anything that affects me, affects her doubly.
That cry echoed right through my brain and through every part of my body as I realised the love that could only have been driving the sacrifices Ana, Gail and my mother had all made, that if they loved me that much, that I shouldn't taint it with my self-loathing. It was like a lightning bolt to absorb it and it had me standing and catching Ana as she'd moved towards me, those blue eyes open and brimming with tears, her mouth caught in the cry of pain and her whole body shaking violently.
"I'm sorry baby, I get it. I get it finally, I'm sorry, I love you, I will always love you and it was selfish to reduce all your bravery to a wish that I'd died.." and I didn't get any further as I tried to absorb her shaking. I lifted her head from my shoulder, trying to calm her and tried to transfer my apologies through a kiss, her need that I understand was like an electric shock and I groaned against her lips and buried my head in her hair, begging for forgiveness as we clung together.
Saying our goodbyes to my mom and dad who looked equally overwrought we'd finally left for home after quickly checking in on Taylor and offering any assistance but his blank eyes reflected that he too couldn't function without the love of his life by his side.
When we reached home Ana needed me so desperately but ended up in tears as everything caught up with her. Her appreciative bodily responses a trigger for the realisation of what she'd almost lost and with her on the verge of a full blown panic attack, I carried her into the bathroom and cradled her while the bath filled and then simply held her as she sobbed against me, gently washing her down to remove the detritus of the day, she finally relaxed and calmed but the tremor was still there.
It was as I carried her back to our bed intending to love her to sleep that she whispered that she didn't feel safe and had I ever considered a safe room, I nodded saying "I had been considering putting one in here and in the house at the Sound and will organise it tomorrow" hoping that would calm her down and then I had a thought and just as quickly shook my head at myself, I couldn't suggest that but it was too late, Ana knows me too well and had seen the shake.
"What were you thinking? Do you think we aren't safe?" and I felt her tensing in my arms.
"No baby, I think we're perfectly safe but we do have a room that is almost a safe room, only Taylor, Gail and I have the combination to open the door, I got rid of the key after someone copied it but I don't know if I can ever bring you back in there."
"Oh…." and her cheeks had reddened as she whispered, "My body liked what you did in there…" and as I shook my head in dread at the memory, she continued, "If we just sleep there tonight, I think I will feel safer, can we?"
Anything to make her feel safe after what I had allowed her to be subjected to and without Taylor and his direction, I didn't want to go to a hotel, I wanted to seclude us from the rest of the world and in truth, there was no better place than the red room to do that and I knew there was no way I would ever hurt Ana in there again. I hated to think of the day that I brought her in there that resulted in those horrid days apart but her body really had enjoyed the experience before I'd lost control and I thought that maybe I could one day bring her to the highest heights of pleasure but it wouldn't be any time soon. The only thing I was concerned with was Ana's feeling of safety and if that room provided that feeling, then I would do it and if it meant no sleep for me, it didn't matter.
Wanting to make sure that Ana felt as worshiped and loved as I love her, I draped her in a new silk nightdress and she shook her head at me but didn't say anything, pure exhaustion written large on her face and knowing how much she likes to argue about every gift I give her, it was a true indication of how tired she was so I lifted her and carried her to the room, asking again to make sure she was happy to stay in there. Her emphatic nod and the fact that her face calmed as I carried her in rather than tensing with remembered pain assured me that it was the right decision and perhaps it was her exhaustion but she placed her face against my neck and curled into me and when we lay down, it took less than a minute and she was asleep.
I lay there unable to sleep as I played the whole day through in my mind again and again, what could have happened, my gratitude to Gail, my admiration of Ana and her ability to once again rise above horror and turn a very bad situation around and I couldn't shake the fact that this is all my fault but when Ana started whimpering and her tremor increased in intensity my heart clenched.
I gently woke her and was horrified at the nightmare she finally described and then reassured her I was very much alive and kissed away her tears until she fell asleep again, held tight in my arms and I knew that whatever my issues were, that I needed to speak to John Flynn as soon as possible and schedule sessions for everyone that had been touched by the events of the day.
Twice more through the night as I lay there thinking, Ana woke in terror and my anger grew at myself and at Elena whose influence has been evident in every single negative thing that has ever occurred to us and is now infiltrating Ana's nightmares as well and I decided then that I would not rest until she was completely destroyed.
Elena's POV – 15 July 2011
I can't believe it, that skinny snivelling little bitch has bested me at every turn; maybe she is smart after all. She is obviously very unlike her useless waste of space mother, if we had included Carla in our plan like we initially intended, I would have blamed her for leaking information, I can't believe how prepared the security team was even with the "great Taylor" being overseas.
Who would have thought the hired help could be so smart but that bitch Mrs Jones always had it in for me, I am sure she has had some part in poisoning Christian against me by being in skinny bitch's ear, I can't believe that Christian would be attached to someone who is so close to the hired help. They must be close and smart because somehow she figured out what was going from that phone call and the security did the rest well until she turned into some sort of martial arts hero and to be honest, what she did to Jen was outstanding. Well, it would have been if she had been on our side but it was impressive nonetheless and then she topped it by shooting Linc, unbelievable!
If she hadn't taken Christian away from me and caused me all this grief, I might have actually liked her and I could have used her. It's such a pity I didn't get her into my clutches when her stupid mother came into my circle but from the first second she saw me through the hospital door, she hated me, I saw it in her eyes. Jen hates me too now and I haven't been able to speak to her, stuck as we both are in solitary confinement for our own protection, me from her and her from the other inmates, she was quite evil as top warden and everyone is happy to see her inside and at everyone's mercy.
The worse thing though I realise now as I sit in this cell, alone with my thoughts is that it was all for nothing. I had myself believing that Linc actually had feelings for me, that perhaps he'd improved from all those years ago when he drank too much and didn't care for me, just used me, his much younger trophy wife, the girl he'd rescued from an abusive father and was therefore meant to be eternally grateful of her saviour, that would do anything that he asked, that he had seen how much I had changed and wanted me again.
I had always kept an eye on him and I thought that without Christian in my life, Linc would fill the gap nicely now that he was being nice to me again and then when I told him what Christian had been coerced to do, taking away all my money and exposing my predilections Linc had agreed to help me get some of my just desserts. Well I thought that meant my share but no, now I realise he was still hell bent on getting his revenge for all those years ago and now as I sit here I wonder what he was going to do, would he have given me the money, would he have gotten rid of me, was he just playing me like he did all those years ago?
I feel more and more that my life has been an absolute waste except for the success that I made of Christian and I need him to understand that and come back to me.