A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 9- Fire and Ice
"Hey Beautiful," Jim said as he brushed the hair back from Johanna's face the next morning. "Wake up."
Johanna breathed deeply and kept the covers pulled tightly around her but her sleepy eyes flicked open. "What are you doing?" she murmured.
He brushed a kiss against her lips. "Waking you up."
She glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearly ten. "Why did you let me sleep so long?" she asked as she rubbed her eye.
"Because you looked relaxed and peaceful…and you earned it," he said warmly, making her blush.
"I'm surprised you're up…sometimes we sleep in together."
"I had some things to do," he answered.
"Like what?"
"Like getting you this," he said as he leaned down and picked up a rose from the floor.
Johanna smiled as she accepted it. "What's this one for?"
"To say I'm sorry for my brief reluctance last night," Jim remarked before pressing a soft kiss to her lips.
"It's okay; I wasn't mad. I caught you off guard."
"But still, I'm sorry," he replied. "If I hadn't adjusted my attitude I would've missed out on a great night."
She caressed his face, a sleepy smile clinging to her lips. "It was a great night, wasn't it?"
"It was," he agreed as he leaned down and picked up another rose and handed it to her.
Johanna giggled. "What's this one for?"
"For being spontaneous and planning an evening out for us…and because I'm proud of you, for wanting to go, for pushing aside the nerves you have about being out at night."
"That's so sweet of you," she murmured.
He picked up yet another rose and gave it to her. "Another one?" she laughed.
Jim nodded. "That one is to thank you for not answering the phone when it rang last night."
"I don't regret it a bit, just in case you're wondering," she remarked as she held her three roses.
"I'm glad to hear that; because I have no regrets in being so happy that you ignored it."
She laughed quietly. "Who knew that ignoring a phone could be so wonderful?"
Jim picked up a fourth rose and offered it to her. "My you've been busy," she proclaimed, adding the offering to her small bouquet. "What is this one for?"
"That one is to ask if you mind if we move our plans for this afternoon a little later in the day; Michael called and wants me to help him with his car and since we've been a little…distant lately, I thought maybe I should go."
"Of course I don't mind," she told him. "You should go help him; maybe it'll help smooth things over."
"We should be able to get out by three," he replied. "We'll still be able to do everything we planned."
"It's fine, honey," she said softly as she sat up and wrapped her arms around him for a hug.
Jim hugged her tightly, drinking in the feel of the warm skin of her back and breathing in the faint scent of her perfume. He threaded a hand through her loose tangled curls, smiling as she pulled back enough to look at him, love and affection in her eyes. "What are you thinking about?" his wife asked softly.
"You."
"What about me?"
His fingertips traced the line of her face. "That you're beautiful and I love you."
"I love you too," she whispered.
He pulled away reluctantly and scooped up the six remaining roses on the floor and held them out to her.
"More?" she asked.
Jim nodded. "These are to thank you for last night," he told her, his tone low and loving, tinged with desire and passion that made her shiver.
A sly smile slid across her lips even as a blush spread across her cheeks. "No thanks necessary," she murmured.
He caught her lips in a kiss. "There is to me."
The smile remained on Johanna's lips at she looked at her collection of roses and counted them. "Ten roses in one morning…I must be special."
Her husband grinned. "You are special…you're a ten."
She laughed, her cheeks still stained with a soft blush. "I don't know about that."
"Trust me, I do."
She caressed his face; her eyes shining with warmth and love. "You're an eleven."
Jim smirked at her. "You just have to top me, don't you?" he asked as he tickled her side.
"I'm not even going to respond to that because you'll make it dirty," she quipped.
He laughed. "Me?! Apparently you're the one thinking along those lines…not that I disapprove."
She gave his shoulder a light swat. "If I'm thinking that way it's only because I know how you are."
He chuckled as he dipped his head to press a kiss against her bare shoulder. "Let's call a truce on that."
"It's a deal, handsome."
"You sweet talking me?" Jim asked as he began to push her back against her pillow.
Johanna put her hand against his chest and remained seated, her roses still clutched in one hand. "I thought you had to go help your brother?"
"He can wait."
She giggled softly. "You better go; you don't want to make him angry…and besides; the sooner you get finished with him, the sooner you get to come back and we get to go out…and who knows where that might lead later."
Jim smiled. "You have a good point."
"I usually do."
He tickled her side once more, making her squirm before he forced himself up from the bed. "Alright, sweetheart; if you insist on sending me away."
"I'm not insisting! I'm just helping you keep your word to your brother…and I'll have to take these flowers downstairs soon and put them in water with the others."
"You'll have a full dozen when you add them to the two downstairs," he remarked.
"Yes, I know," she replied, a note of amusement in her voice. "You're such a good husband."
"I'm the best," he teased.
Her smile softened, lighting up her eyes with love. "You won't get any argument out of me."
Jim's hand cupped her cheek as he leaned down and captured her lips in a loving kiss. "And you're the best wife…and don't you dare say otherwise."
She caught his hand, their fingers entwining for a moment as she held his gaze, honoring his request not to argue the statement. "Can you hand me something to put on?" she asked softly as he squeezed her hand.
He shook his head. "I don't think I want to."
"Why not?" she laughed.
He smiled, his fingers reaching out to thread through her tousled curls. "Because there's always been something about the sight of you wrapped in a sheet, your hair tousled, a blush on your cheeks and a smile on your lips…the roses are a nice touch, if I do say so myself."
"Aren't you poetic today?" Johanna murmured.
"That's what you do to me," he remarked as he stole another kiss. "Just don't tell anyone, I have a reputation to protect."
"Alright but in exchange for that, I demand clothing."
"If you insist," he sighed dramatically as he moved away from her side and grabbed the nightgown that had been left lying on the chair. He carried it back to her and dropped it on her lap. "I'll be back in a little while…try not to miss me too much."
"I'll try to hang in there," she quipped. "Don't get in any trouble; I don't feel like posting bail today."
"I'll do my best," he replied. "I wouldn't want to upset our plans."
"You better not upset them," she laughed. "I'll be waiting."
"I won't be too long," Jim promised. "I love you."
"I love you too; be careful."
"I promise. I'll call and let you know I'm there."
She gave him a smile and a nod, waiting until he had left the room before burying her nose in her roses. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this light and happy…it was such a good feeling.
Later that morning, Johanna sat at her desk, her notebook open and her computer on, a family history research website on the screen, but her attention was upon her vase full of roses, her fingertip reaching out to stroke a silky petal. A smile seemed to be stuck to her lips and her thoughts seemed to be stuck on her husband…she couldn't complain. Everything had gone so well the night before, their outing had gone smoothly, they hadn't been spotted or followed…their night once they had returned home had been just as incredible and romantic. She breathed deeply, inhaling the scent of the flowers, laughing to herself as she realized that she was living up to the adage of stopping to smell the roses.
"Well, Kitten, a romantic date night seems to agree with you," Sarah stated as she appeared in the room, her voice pulling Johanna from her thoughts.
She smiled at her grandmother as the spirit pulled the piano bench over in front of the desk. "It does, doesn't it?"
Sarah smiled, her brow rising. "Oh my, even an admission to the fact; you must be feeling pretty good."
"I am," she confirmed. "I don't know when the last time was that I felt this good."
Her grandmother nodded. "You do look happy…you've got that glow again. You seem a lot more like yourself, if you know what I mean."
"I know what you mean," she replied. "Everything was so wonderful last night…it was like we got to crawl into a perfect little bubble."
"You must be glad that you took your grandmother's advice," Sarah remarked.
"I'm very glad…I didn't know the two of you were friends."
"Well of course we're friends; we have much in common. I adore Sophia."
"She's a special lady."
"She is," Sarah agreed with a nod.
"So are you," Johanna added.
Her grandmother grinned, mischief in her eyes. "Despite being a busybody?"
Johanna laughed softly. "It's part of your charm…and part of your job as a grandmother…just like it's a granddaughter's job to be slightly annoyed about it once in awhile."
"I see," the spirit giggled. "I'm glad we're both doing our jobs."
"I did wonder if you'd pop in today to ask for details," Johanna commented.
"I believe I'll let you keep the details to yourself; all I need to know is that you had fun and enjoyed yourself."
"I had a lot of fun and I enjoyed myself greatly."
"Then that's all I need to know about it…and I encourage you to make fun and enjoyment a habit."
"I'm going to do my best."
"Good girl. What are you working on today? More work for Jim?"
"No; I'll go back to that Monday; today I was working on your family tree."
"Tell me what you have so far," Sarah implored.
Johanna went over the information with her, gently cajoling Sarah into giving her a few missing pieces that she needed to be able to continue. "Can you stay long today?" she asked. "I wouldn't mind having the time to ask you about your grandparents."
Her grandmother's demeanor changed, as if her being went on sudden alert. "I'm afraid our talk may be cut short today, darling."
"Why?"
"Someone's coming," Sarah said as she sat up straighter, looking as though she was straining to hear something.
Johanna tensed. "Who is it?" she whispered.
"Don't worry," Sarah murmured.
Footsteps sounded in the hallway and her heart began to pound, her breath catching in her throat as panic began to fill her.
"Mom," a voice called out.
She released the breath she was holding, the panic receding. "In the office, Katie."
Kate's footsteps neared and Johanna wondered why Sarah hadn't disappeared although she was sure that she was the only one who could see her…but how was she going to explain the piano bench sitting in front of her desk?
Kate entered the office with swift steps as if she was on a mission and Johanna sighed internally, wondering what misfortune had befallen her family now.
"Didn't you hear me knock?" Kate asked, her voice carrying a hint of tartness.
"No, I didn't hear you," she replied. "I guess I was concentrating. I'm sorry. Why didn't you call when I didn't answer?"
Kate blew out a breath; the butterflies in her stomach settling. Seeing her mother's car in the driveway but not being able to get her to answer the door had sent waves of fear coursing through her. "I walked around back to see if your car was in the driveway and when I saw that it was, I figured it would be faster to just let myself in."
"I'm sorry," Johanna said once more as she took off her reading glasses and laid them aside. She had a feeling that she had given her daughter a scare but she knew better than to acknowledge it with those words. It would only make her bristle and possibly lash out.
"Why's the piano bench over here in front of your desk?"
She tried not to react as Kate stood by the bench, not seeing the beaming spirit who was seated upon it. "Your father pulled it over this morning while we were discussing some things," she lied.
"Where is Dad?" her daughter asked.
"At your Uncle Michael's helping him with a car problem," she answered.
"I thought they weren't really talking?"
Johanna shrugged. "They weren't talking much but maybe Michael misses him."
"Hopefully so," Kate replied. "I'm sure Dad must miss him."
The comment sent a measure of guilt coursing through her body. She was the reason for the distance between Jim and Michael and she hated that. She never wanted to come between Jim and his family…but maybe this was the start of them making amends and being closer once more, at least she hoped it was. For now she didn't need to dwell.
"What brings you by?" Johanna asked as she shook off her thoughts.
"I tried to call you last night and you didn't answer, nor did you call back," Kate replied.
"I know; I was busy."
"Doing what?" her daughter asked tartly.
"Enjoying my evening with my husband."
"And you couldn't answer the phone long enough to say that you'd call in the morning? What if it was something important?"
"Then you would've called back or called your father," Johanna said as she tapped her pen against her notebook.
Kate's eyes narrowed at her. "When you didn't answer or call back, I worried."
"You must not have worried too much, you didn't call back, you didn't text, you didn't try to get your father; you didn't come over until…"Johanna trailed off as she looked at the clock on her computer, "10:45 this morning…I'd say you didn't worry as much as you want me to believe."
"I did too worry," Kate replied, her eyes catching sight of something. She put her palms against the desk and leaned forward, studying the mark she glimpsed on her mother's neck that had revealed itself when she brushed a lock of hair back. "Oh my God, is that a hickey?!"
Johanna looked startled by the announcement. "What!"
"You have a hickey on your neck!" her daughter exclaimed once more, as she reached out and pointed at it.
Johanna's fingertips landed against the mark; she hadn't noticed it that morning when she'd been brushing her teeth or combing her hair in front of the mirror but she had been lost in her thoughts, looking forward to her husband coming home. She smiled a little, wondering if he knew that he had marked her once more.
"I can't believe you have a hickey!" Kate all but yelled, her hands gesturing wildly.
"It's okay," she replied.
"You have a hickey!"
"It's okay, I had a good time," Johanna told her.
Kate's hand found its way to her hip. "Really? That's what you have to say about it?"
Johanna shrugged. "Fine, I'll tell you the truth, I had a fantastic time. I was just trying to spare you the full knowledge."
"Oh my God," her daughter muttered, her head lowering as she cringed. "You two need to get a damn hobby."
"But that's our favorite one," Johanna couldn't help but reply. "We've always enjoyed that one a lot and besides, it's free, it's fun, it burns calories and it keeps us young; you can't find all those things in other hobbies."
"I don't want to hear this," Kate remarked. "But now I know what prevented you from answering the phone."
"That wasn't the reason; we were still downstairs when you called…I could've answered…but I chose not to; the moment was just right and I didn't want to spoil it with a phone call. That's not polite, you know?"
Kate shook her head as she settled down on the piano bench, unaware of the spirit who had scooted over to make room for her. Johanna's gaze moved to Sarah, taking in the smile on the woman's face as she studied her great granddaughter. Sarah glanced at her and beamed brightly, clearly settling in to be a part of their visit at least for awhile. She didn't mind, she was sure that Sarah could eavesdrop if she wished even if she wasn't present in the room…she just wished Katie could see her…but then again, maybe not; her daughter was skeptical in nature, she'd probably just brush it off as a hallucination.
"What are you looking at?" Kate asked.
"Nothing," Johanna said, breaking eye contact with the ghost; trying to shake off the need to study Kate and Sarah as they sat side by side. "I was just thinking about something."
"What are you doing?" her daughter asked with a nod at the desk.
"Family tree research," she answered, glad that she hadn't been doing any case work for Jim. She didn't think that Kate would handle the idea of her doing law work very well. That was something that could wait until a better time. She could already see her gaze darting to the wall where her diplomas now hung, along with Kate's childhood drawings that had been in her office.
"Why did you drag those out?" Kate asked as she gestured toward the diplomas.
"Because they're mine," Johanna replied. "Your father's are hanging on his side of the room…I didn't see any reason why I couldn't have mine hanging in here as well."
The younger woman frowned as her gaze landed on the pictures she had drawn when she was a little girl. "Why do you have those hanging up?"
Johanna glanced at the drawings. "Because they always hung in my office."
"They're old; I'm all grown up now."
"You're welcome to draw me a new one if you want," her mother replied. "I have room for a new addition…I don't have any crayons but Gabby left a pack of markers here that night she was working on her board for her science project. I can give you a piece of paper."
"Don't be ridiculous," Kate remarked. "Take those down and put them away somewhere. No one wants to see that stuff."
"I do. They're mine and they're not going anywhere. If you don't like how I decorate, stay off my side of the office."
"Fine, hang up old Crayola drawings if you want."
"Thank you for your permission to hang up what I want in my own home."
Kate made a sound of agreement as her phone buzzed in her pocket. She pulled it out and tapped back a reply to the text message she had received.
"Work?" Johanna asked.
"No," she answered as she put the phone back in her pocket.
"Rick?"
"Yes."
"Can't even go twenty minutes without knowing what you're doing, can he?" she asked.
Kate gave her a puzzled look. "He wanted to know if you were home or if I was out looking for you. I told him you were here."
"I'm here," Johanna remarked. "Now that you know I'm fine, did you have any other reason for stopping by?"
"Do I need one?"
"No; but it seems like you usually have one…it's usually bad news."
"No news to deliver today," Kate replied.
"That's a relief," her mother sighed.
"I haven't heard from you in awhile."
Johanna nodded. "I haven't heard from you either."
"I know…but I figure on your end it's intentional."
"You seem to think everything I do is intentional," she remarked; watching Sarah's reactions from the corner of her eye.
"I know you; when you don't call, it's because you're mad."
"I'm not mad, Katie; I just get tired of begging for five minutes of your time."
Kate rolled her eyes. "Who asked you to beg?"
"It seems like you do," she replied. "You always want space so I've been giving it to you…and let's not forget that just a few weeks ago you said I was the last person you wanted to talk to."
"I was upset," her daughter said curtly, her temper rising in regard to her mother's attitude.
"Yeah, so was I after I hung up on you," Johanna remarked. "It's not the kind of thing a mother enjoys hearing."
"I came over the next day," Kate said, her tone strained. "You acted like you didn't want me here so I left. You had Greg's baby here to fuss over, you didn't need me."
Johanna's jaw tightened at the blatant accusation that she had found a substitution for her own child. "I had Ally because Greg and Kelly had to go out of town, her parents were in an accident and you know it. No one could take her but me; Frankie and Valerie were away visiting her sister. If I didn't act the way you wanted, it didn't have anything to do with Ally being here, it had to do with you. How was I supposed to act after you basically said that I ruin your life?"
"I didn't say that!"
"Not those exact words but the sentiment was implied and well received."
Kate sighed. "I thought we were over all that."
"You might be over it but certain feelings linger for me. I like how you think I can just flip my feelings on and off like a light switch while tiptoeing around yours. Like I said, you like your space so I've been giving it to you, you know where I am if you want me. I don't want to be any more of a burden than I already am."
"Oh my God!" Kate exclaimed. "Here we go with that damn burden line again. That one is really getting old, Mom."
"Yeah," Johanna said as she eyed her. "You know what else gets old? Your way of thinking that your pain and inconvenience is better than everyone else's. You get that selfish streak from Elizabeth. All she ever cared about was how everything affected her and you're the same way!"
"I am not!"
"You are too! We all have things to deal with, Katie. I have guilt and pain that you can't even begin to imagine. I'm on a first name basis with at least two of the vultures that follow me around; my life's being dissected, I'm being talked about just as much or more than you are, hell there are even people zeroing in on the pictures to name the brand of clothes I wear and the purse I carry; trying to identify my jewelry so they can hook a damn price tag to it so they can try to guess how much money we have; and yet I've never answered my phone and said 'you're the last person I want to talk to'. You should've left the phone ring if you felt that way or sent a message and said 'I don't feel like talking right now, I'll call in a day or two."
"We've already been over this!" Kate all but yelled. "That has nothing to do with you not calling for the last several days."
"Oh but it does; and hey, what do you need me for? You have Rick, Martha and Alexis."
"Is this about Thanksgiving?"
"No! I don't care about Thanksgiving. I had my meal and my husband was happy. I told you if you didn't want to come it was fine; we had other guests. The point I was trying to make is that Martha sees you more than I do. You even go to the theater with her."
Kate sighed. "So that's what it's about? You're mad because I went to the theater with Martha and Alexis?"
"No; I'm not mad that you went with them. It just hurts me that you never want to do anything with me. I can't even get you to come to dinner once a month…dinner here at home where no one would have to see you associating with your mother."
"Don't even act like that!" her daughter retorted.
"How am I supposed to act!" Johanna yelled back. "We went shopping and had lunch once and I knew what it was the whole time. You weren't doing it because you wanted to, you did it to parade us out in front of the media to prove your statement true that we aren't estranged…well you know what, Katie; I'm not so sure that we're not estranged."
Kate glanced away. She couldn't deny that her mother was right about that…she had invited her to go shopping so that the media would catch them out together and get their pictures and proof that all was well between them. It had been Castle's suggestion and she had seen the merit in it…and she figured that while killing one bird, she'd be killing another by doing something that would make not only her mother happy, but her father as well. She should've known better…her mother always had some sort of twisted knack for knowing when all wasn't as it seemed. She'd been a lawyer too long to be conned; she'd seen too much and probably heard as many lies as she herself had in the course of her career.
"That doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy our day," she said slowly; figuring subtle admission was the only way to go. Her mother had her lawyer face on…her internal lie detector clearly on and the needles jumping at any sign of untruthfulness.
Johanna scoffed slightly. "You enjoyed it so much that's why we've done it again, right?"
She struggled not to roll her eyes. "I'll get tickets and take you to the theater, okay?"
"No; I don't want you to do anything for me that you feel obligated to do."
"I wouldn't feel obligated," she said in exasperation.
"Oh I think you would; you seem to feel obligated about most things when it comes to me so don't do me any favors."
Kate smirked at her. "You may as well let me get the tickets and go with me because if you're waiting on Dad to take you…well, you'll never be going to the theater again."
"So I've been told," Johanna replied, noticing that Sarah had vanished from the room but she had a feeling the spirit was lingering just out of sight. "If I want to go to the theater that badly I'll buy a ticket and go by myself so I don't have to feel guilty about who has to accompany me."
Her daughter sighed. "For someone who claimed to have such a fantastic night, you'd think you'd be in a better mood."
"My mood is fine," Johanna replied. "I'm just telling you how it is."
"It makes me sorry that I came over."
"I'm sure it does," she stated. "I'm sure you're sorry anytime you have to come over…not that you come all that often."
"I have a life!" Kate exclaimed. "I have a job and a relationship."
"Yes, I know. You have no balance; you're either all work or all Rick. You don't have time for anything else. I had a full time job too, Katie; I still managed to see my family. I had relationships, still do. When your father and I were dating, he spent Wednesday nights with me and we switched off whose place we stayed at every weekend…but we still had time for other people. I had dinner with my family on Sundays and he had dinner with his family on Sundays. I went out with my friends, he went out with his. We had plenty of time together and still had time for others as well. When was the last time you and Lanie had a girls night?"
"What's that got to do with anything?" Kate asked.
"Just curious. Answer the question."
"It's been awhile," Kate admitted grudgingly. "I did have an unexpected houseguest all summer."
Tension tightened her mother's jaw. "I've been living in my own home since early September; and for the record, it wasn't my idea to live with you."
"And yet it gave you exactly what you wanted," her daughter replied tartly. "You got to be in my space every day, making it impossible to ignore you, giving me no choice but to listen. Yeah, I'd say it worked out pretty damn well for you."
"You didn't have to accept me, Katie. You didn't have to listen or forgive. You could've stayed cold and callous…and really if we're honest, we both know that you haven't fully forgiven. You get to blame me for everything in your life. It must be nice to have someone to lay all the blame on all the time. I wish I could blame my mother as much as you blame me."
"Well I guess Grandma was better at minding her business and never answered any letters from an imprisoned mob member."
Hardness swept across Johanna's features, her gaze turning cold and harsh like a sudden winter storm. "I hope to God that you have a daughter one day, Katherine…a daughter just like you or worse…in fact, I pray that she's worse. I hope that just once she sits across from you and hurts you as badly as you hurt me every chance you get. I want you to know what it feels like just once. I want your heart to feel what mine does when you look at the person you carried beneath your heart for nine months and suffered through a long labor to deliver and see the hate and resentment in her eyes. Just once, I want you to know what it feels like…I'll be old and gray by then, and I hope you ring my phone to cry about it because I'm going to say 'I told you so'."
Kate held her mother's cool gaze, unsure of how to respond as a shiver raced through her blood at the sudden chill in the room. "I guess you also hope that during her moment of hatred that she'll come running to Grandma."
"The door will always be open," Johanna remarked. "And when she tells me that her mother just doesn't get it, I'm going to tell her that you rarely ever do….that is if she even knows me. I have a feeling that if you ever do give me a grandchild, you won't let me see it too often."
"Why would you think that?!"
She shrugged. "Just a hunch. I'm not needed to be a mother, why would I be needed to be a grandmother? I'd probably buy the kid a toy or a dress and you'd get your nose out of joint about it."
Kate glared at her. "I assure you, Mother; I'll never deny you the privilege of spoiling your grandchild if you choose to do so."
"I guess only time will tell, besides, I'm probably not much competition for Martha. I'm sure my grandchildren will see more of her than they do me."
"Oh my God, what is all of this about Martha?!" Kate yelled.
"I told you; you see and speak to other people's mothers more than your own," Johanna shot back. "You even spent a holiday with someone else's mother."
"So we're back to this being about me going to the theater with her and not you and it's about Thanksgiving. You're jealous of Martha."
"I'm not jealous of Martha," Johanna retorted. "I'm just wondering if I should send her a card or flowers to congratulate her in regard to her new daughter. Maybe an 'It's A Girl' balloon would be appropriate. I think in appreciation of me providing her with another child, she could at least send me a gift card to get my nails done; I broke one clinging to the door handle of the car when I was in labor with you."
"Is that my cue to apologize for the pain of your labor?" Kate asked.
"Not at all; it was extremely painful and yet I've always felt like it was worth it. I did the best I could to be a good mother, Katie…I gave you everything I could. When you were born, I stopped working on cases that would require me to go out of town, with one exception when you were seven; that one was out of my control. I didn't work late unless it was entirely unavoidable. I closed my office at four instead of five so I could get home to you as soon as possible. I never missed a recital or a school play, I never missed your softball games. I always arranged my schedule so I'd be available to go on your field trips…and the one I couldn't go on, your father went. Sometimes when I'd get off work early, I'd come get you out of school early because I missed you. I let you stay home on your birthday when you got older. I made sure you had the cake you wanted, threw you the best parties I could, bought you whatever you wanted. I took you trick or treating, made your Easter baskets and helped you dye eggs. I put the money under your pillow when you lost a tooth. I got you everything on your Christmas lists, baked your cookies and your fudge, prayed for snow when you so desperately wanted it, stayed up half the night waiting for you to go to sleep so I could put the presents beneath the tree. I read you bedtime stories; I tucked you in every night. I walked the floors with you when you were a baby; I've worried and prayed for you every day since the moment I knew you were growing inside of me," Johanna said, her voice strained as she struggled to hold back emotion.
"I taught you how to sit up, how to crawl and walk. I taught you your ABCs, your numbers and colors. I set up nights when you were sick, held your hair back, gave you cool baths to bring down your fevers. I changed sheets at three in the morning when you had accidents or had thrown up on your bed. I let you crawl in bed beside me when your dreams scared you. I cried when you started school…I cried the whole time you were in surgery to get your tonsils taken out…I stayed home with you every day you were recovering. I put up with your teenage attitude problems, gave you a job in my office, cried at your graduation. I cried for the whole plane ride back to New York after we left you at Stanford. I flew out to California for your birthday…even though you were coming home the next week for Thanksgiving…even though I had to fly back late that night to be in court at eleven the next morning…even though your father and I had one hell of an argument about it, but I did it anyway. Just like I ran home in the middle of the day every time the phone bill was due to keep your father from seeing how high it was from long distance phone calls, because he almost had a stroke after that first bill rolled in. Those are just some of the highlights, Katie…there are a million things in between filling up the first nineteen years of your life; and I'm sorry it wasn't enough. I'm sorry that I made the wrong career choice and had to be away from you for awhile. I'm sorry that those years have tainted every good thing we ever had between us. I'm sorry I wasn't a better mother…that apparently I still can't live up to the standard you have for the role. I've always tried and given my best…I guess it isn't enough. I've cried, I've apologized, I've begged, I've demanded, I've retreated, I've done everything I can think to do and it just never satisfies you. If you want to have a mother-daughter relationship with someone else, then I guess that's your prerogative…you get the added bonus of sucking up to who will probably be your future mother-in-law."
Kate bit her lip, anger rippling through her. "If that happens, at least my mother-in-law will like me…you can't say the same about yours."
Johanna laughed. "Sweetheart, if you think that I ever gave a damn that Elizabeth Beckett didn't like me, you're sadly mistaken. Everything she dished out she got right back in return and it was no skin off my nose. We understood each other and we did our best to play nice in front of you…it didn't always work, but we made do…and we knew neither one of us was going anywhere. You can have your sweet little relationship with your possible future mother-in-law…to tell you the truth, I liked my relationship with Elizabeth…we weren't the Waltons…but maybe we were good for each other just the same."
Kate scoffed. "So you liked it when you two were calling each other bitches?"
She smiled. "Hey; it was only truth; she was a bitch and so am I; no harm done. If she was alive and walked in here right now and called me a bitch, I'd say 'shut the hell up and sit down you old bag' and she would…and we'd have our version of conversation, half amicable, half insult to keep our little feud going…because we liked it. I didn't hate her…I don't even really think she hated me all that much, we just liked to spar with each other."
"Dysfunction at its finest…how wonderful for the two of you."
Johanna sighed in disgust. "You shouldn't talk, Katie; you're an awful lot like her…maybe that's why you can't get along with me; you've got that Bradley blood."
"Beckett," she said firmly.
"Oh you're a Beckett alright," Johanna remarked. "But Elizabeth was a Bradley before she was a Beckett…just like I was a McKenzie before I was a Beckett…I'm still a McKenzie though…and McKenzies don't go around kissing backsides…you either take us for what we are or move along."
"Is that your way of telling me to get out?" Kate asked.
"No; I wasn't telling you to leave; I was making a general statement about your heritage."
Kate raked her hand through her hair, turning her gaze away from her mother. "I don't know what you want me to do, Mom," she stated, her voice still tense.
"Not a damn thing, Katie. Do what you have to do, have all your space, ignore me, hate me, whatever makes you happy…all I've ever wanted was for you to be happy; and if you're happier without me around, that's okay, you don't need to be ashamed of it…you can just own up to it and tell me so. If your grandfather had taken that course of action maybe we could've had a better relationship when I became an adult. I could've kept my distance and then maybe he wouldn't have minded me so much. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea…I'm emotional, opinionated, I have this terrible trait of my mother's of wanting my family to be near. I never claimed to be perfect."
Her daughter gave a slight shake of her head. "I only came over to check on you and make sure you were okay because you didn't answer last night, you never called back and I already hadn't heard from you for several days."
"Don't worry, your father would let you know if I was in the hospital or imprisoned."
"Why would you be in either of those places?" she asked. "You're as healthy as you ever were; you make it a point to remind me of that every so often and you don't leave the house enough to get arrested."
"I was just making the statement that if I was sick or imprisoned you'd be notified."
"Good to know," Kate said sarcastically. "You're probably more likely to need bail money than medical assistance though."
"What makes you say that?"
"You have a bad temper."
"Like you don't."
"I'm not the one with a jealousy issue at the moment," her daughter remarked.
Johanna dropped the pen she had been clutching. "I'm sorry that I enjoy being a mother, Katie. I'm sorry that it hurts to open up the newspaper and see pictures of you and Martha looking like a happy mother-daughter duo; to know she got to see you on your birthday and on Thanksgiving…that she gets to talk to you and see you more than I do, but that's how you want it and so be it. Hey, if you want to call her 'mom', go right ahead...tell her you come highly recommended as a daughter; your incubator still loves you thirty-three years later."
"Incubator?" Kate asked.
"Me," she replied. "Your biological mother…the person whose body you were sheltered in…I was your incubator for nine months…and let's not forget that you were due on the twelfth and didn't show up until the seventeenth."
Kate sighed. "Mom…."
"What?" she asked, her tone flat and somewhat terse.
"You're making this hard for me…I'm afraid to say anything because you're either going to take it the wrong way or God knows what."
Johanna smirked. "Welcome to my world, that's how I feel about you."
"Apparently you don't feel that way today."
"Sometimes I get fed up."
Kate squirmed slightly. "What's for dinner tonight?"
Johanna's gaze met hers. "Nothing; your father and I are going out tonight."
"Then I guess I can't stay and eat with you."
"No, you can't. Besides, it's kind of early for you to be staying for dinner anyway."
Annoyance flickered in Kate's eyes. "You don't want me hanging around?"
"I don't care if you hang around…I just didn't want you to think I was detaining you. It's the weekend, I'm sure you and Rick have plans."
"I'm surprised you didn't say Martha," Kate quipped tartly.
Johanna smiled. "Take the whole family if you want. I just hope Martha enjoys my only child."
"It's not my fault that you didn't have more children," Kate replied. "It can't be from lack of effort with the way you two act."
"No; it wasn't a lack of effort. I guess God only wanted to inflict me on one child and you were the lucky winner. Sorry about that, I know you deserved better than me but there isn't much we can do about it. I used to think I deserved better than my father…but I don't anymore."
"Why?"
Johanna's gaze shifted to her notebook. "I don't know; maybe it was good training."
Puzzlement flicked across Kate's face. "Training for what?"
For the discord with her own child, she thought to herself. That chasm of distance between her and Kate that she had thought she had closed over the summer was cracking open like an ice covered pond during the spring thaw. Her father's distaste gave her much needed experience when faced with it from another loved one. It still hurt; tears would be shed on occasion but she knew how to steel her heart…how to keep her distance…how to strike back when needed. She didn't relish the thought of taking those measures with her daughter but if it was what she wanted, she could cope…at least in some small way.
"Training for what?" Kate asked again.
Johanna gave a shake of her head. "It's not important."
"You've mentioned your father a few times…is he on your mind today? I know you don't like to talk about him, is that why you're in a bad mood?"
"I'm not in a bad mood and he's not on my mind…maybe you just remind me of him."
Another sigh crossed Kate's lips. "Not everyone is as demonstrative as you, Mom; it doesn't mean they love you any less."
"Let's just close the subject; it's not getting us anywhere," Johanna remarked. "If you want me, you know where I am. If you don't, that's okay too; I'll get over it in a few years."
Kate rolled her eyes. "This is why I don't call or visit often. I can't stand it when you act like this."
"And you think you have no role in how I act?"
"No; I don't. I think it's all you and your overactive brain," her daughter retorted. "Think about that the next time you think Martha gets more of my attention than you do. Maybe you should ask yourself why that might be the case. At least she doesn't act like you; at least she lets things go and doesn't sink under some black cloud of gloom. I really do think you need to talk to someone."
"Martha doesn't have to deal with the things I have to deal with," Johanna said sharply. "I'm not going to some damn therapist and airing my dirty laundry; I told you that before. If Martha's so damn fabulous and that's who you want for your mother figure, have at her, Katie. Like I said, go call her 'mom' if you want to, if it'll make you feel better; but there's one thing you can't change; my blood is in your veins, you're always going to be connected to me whether you like it or not."
"I can't believe you're jealous of Martha."
"I'm not."
Kate eyed her. "You know, I suddenly remember Martha saying at dinner the other night that she tried to call you and you didn't answer…did you purposely not answer her call?"
"I was busy."
"Doing what? Getting a hickey?"
"No," Johanna smirked. "I was making a cherry pie for my husband."
"And you couldn't call her back while it was in the oven?"
She shrugged. "I probably had laundry to fold."
"I thought you wanted to be friends with Martha," Kate stated.
"I did…but it doesn't seem very likely anymore."
"Why is that?"
Johanna met her eye. "Because she stole my kid."
Kate laughed. "You are so ridiculous! She did not steal me from you."
"Fine; my kid willing gave herself away to her and she didn't do what any other decent mother would do and send her back where she belonged!"
Kate continued to laugh. "I can't believe this; so does that mean Rick shouldn't treat you in any manner that strays toward 'motherly'?"
"He has a mother," Johanna remarked. "He can treat me like a potential mother-in-law."
"And how does one go about that, just in case he ever needs to know?"
"By not acting like I'm his mother; he has a perfectly fine mother of his own, he doesn't need another one."
"So do you want him to start calling you 'Mrs. Beckett?' instead of Johanna?"
"No; first name basis is fine…he just can't ever call me 'Mom'."
"I don't think he has any desire to do that," Kate replied.
"That's because he knows he already has a mother. He might've gone with me when I bought my car, and I asked him to tag along while I went to the market, but you don't see us out bonding."
Kate smiled. "Do you want him to take you to the theater, because he will if I mention it."
"You're not cute or funny."
She laughed. "Mom, I love you but you're demented."
Johanna frowned. "Get out of my office."
"It's Dad's office too."
"Fine, just get out of my whole house and don't come back until your attitude has been adjusted."
"You claim you're always the adjuster of my attitude," Kate said with a smirk.
"Believe me, Katie; every time I see that Elizabeth Beckett smirk on your face I fight the urge to smack the hell out of you."
"That's nice…did Grandma Naomi ever smack you?"
"Yes, she did…we're not above giving a little smack in this family if we feel it's really warranted…and sometimes I think you could benefit from a smack."
"I'd smack you back."
Johanna's brow arched. "I can take you."
Her daughter laughed. "You think you can take me?"
"No doubt in my mind."
"Mother; I'm half your age and at least three inches taller than you."
"Big deal, I weigh more than you."
"What, a whole five pounds?" Kate asked. "I'm so afraid."
"It's your fault I have those pounds," Johanna retorted. "And I assure you, I can take you."
"I've had police academy training."
"I don't give a damn if you were trained by Walker Texas Ranger, I'm your mother, I can kick your ass up one side of the street and down the other."
"Okay, apparently you've been watching too many reruns on television to come up with that reference," Kate replied. "But I'm going to let you have your delusions."
"Do you want to try me?" Johanna asked, eyeing her seriously.
"No; not today, maybe some other time."
"Afraid you'll lose?" her mother asked.
"No, I just don't want to hurt you."
"Why not? You do it all the time; just emotionally instead of physically."
Kate groaned. "Can we please end this conversation?"
"Fine," Johanna replied. "Drop by again sometime; I'll be here."
Her daughter rose from the piano bench and rounded the desk to kiss her cheek. "Cover up that hickey before you go out…and take down those childhood drawings."
"I'll cover the hickey but the drawings stay," Johanna replied.
"Why!?"
"Because they're mine and because they remind me of better times…back when my daughter loved me and liked to be around me."
"I was in kindergarten."
"Those were good times…and I notice you didn't deny anything."
"Why should I when you aren't going to believe me anyway," Kate replied. "But I do love you…I'm sorry I'm not good at showing it in the way you'd like, but it doesn't change the fact…and maybe I'd like being with you more if you weren't always looking over your shoulder or worrying about something, or acting like Martha has kidnapped me and that Rick is holding me hostage."
"You don't understand me at all, Katie," Johanna told her.
"Does anyone understand you the way you want?"
She nodded. "My husband…I'm very lucky to have him…and every time I think I couldn't possibly love him more, somehow it grows even more."
"And what about me?"
"What about you?"
"Does your love for me grow?"
"That's a different kind of love, Katie; you know that."
"I know; but has it grown…or has it shrunk?"
"My love for my daughter knows no bounds," Johanna remarked. "It's as large and deep as it always was…she just doesn't want it anymore."
"That's not true," Kate remarked.
"Go on," her mother replied. "Enjoy your day; I'm fine. I'm sorry I worried you last night. Call or come around when you want; I'll be here."
Kate studied her for a long moment as her mother turned her gaze back to the list of names and dates in her notebook. "That's it?" she finally asked.
"What more do you want?"
She shrugged. "You usually hug me before I leave."
"I don't have to," Johanna replied. "I can be less demonstrative if it makes things better for you."
"I didn't say that I didn't want your affection."
"You just don't like to give it in return?"
Kate walked to the wall and gently smacked her head against it a few times. "You'll get a headache doing that…trust me, I know," Johanna told her.
"You spend time smacking your head off the wall?" Kate asked.
"No, I usually smack mine off the desk when the need arises…like it'll probably arise as soon as you leave."
Kate breathed deeply and returned to the desk. "Get up," she demanded, her tone softer.
"Why?"
"Just do it!"
Johanna got up from her chair and found herself wrapped in her daughter's embrace. "Hug me back," Kate demanded. "Or I won't be able to sleep tonight."
Slowly she wrapped her arms around her child; wishing things were better between them…feeling like she had gotten nowhere with the tough love approach that had come so highly recommended.
"Say it," her daughter whispered.
"Say what?"
"You know what," she said as she hugged her tighter. "The way you used to when I was a little girl…when one of us was sad."
The sting of hot tears filled Johanna's eyes. "I love you, always and forever, whenever and wherever, from the Eiffel tower to the tower of Pisa, from the Statue of Liberty to the Mona Lisa, to Jupiter and Mars, to the moon and the stars and back again."
Kate swallowed hard, not realizing how the words she had requested would land against her heart. "No matter what?"
"No matter what."
"How come?" Kate asked, following the childhood memory.
"Because you're my baby girl; no matter what you do or where you go...my baby you'll always be."
"Promise?" she whispered, her eyes squeezed shut, wishing things didn't have to be the way they were between them…wishing that she could stop hurting her mother's feelings and yet she seemed to always do it without much thought.
"I promise," Johanna murmured, squeezing her tightly for a moment and then releasing her.
"I do love you," Kate said softly as she watched her mother settle back into her chair.
Johanna gave a nod but didn't offer further comment on the matter. "You'll call sometime?" she asked.
"Yeah…will you answer?"
"Yes."
"Maybe I can come over for dinner one night?" Kate asked.
"Whenever is convenient for you," Johanna replied. "Just let me know so I can make enough for three instead of two."
Kate gave her a small smile and a nod. "See you later?"
"See you later…be careful."
"I promise…I'll send you a text letting you know I got home alright."
"I'd appreciate it."
They shared one last look, a silent understanding passing between them that the ball was now in Kate's court. "Make sure the door locks behind me, okay?" Kate said as she began to head for the door. "If you need me, call."
"I'll do that," Johanna said as she rose and followed her daughter to the door, locking it as Kate stood on the other side and listened to it snap in place, giving her peace of mind. She peeked out the curtain, watching as Kate moved to her car and got in. She wasn't sure anything had been accomplished during their visit…but she couldn't deny feeling a little better that she had gotten some things off her chest…even if they had been deemed crazy.
When Johanna returned to the office, Sarah was once again perched on the piano bench. "Well?" she said to her grandmother as she moved back to her desk.
"Well what, dear?"
"How bad did I do?"
"My heart hurts," Sarah said, pressing her pale hands against her chest.
Johanna sighed. "I'll give her time to get home and then I'll call and apologize."
"No!" Sarah exclaimed. "Don't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because you didn't do anything wrong. My heart hurts for you…you finally allowed yourself to acknowledge that someone other than yourself is causing you pain. You laid your cards on the table and told her how she hurts you…I'm just sorry that she offered no apology or any solution to the way things are between you."
"That's because in her mind, the problem is all mine," Johanna said softly. "She doesn't believe that she has a role. She did what she had to do for me, what her job required, and I'm here when it's convenient for her and other than that, she doesn't really have any need of me."
"Not to kick you while you're down, darling, but that's why we've been giving you that 'let her go' advice."
"I know," she replied sadly. "It's just hard to do that when I feel like she's already replaced me and wouldn't mind much if I backed away completely. It's like I feel like I have to keep hold somewhere or I'll lose the small place I have left."
"I understand that," Sarah remarked gently. "But you have made a good effort at letting go in some ways. I am sorry that the issue is going to come between you and Martha and the friendship you were hoping to build."
Johanna gave a slight nod. "It probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.
"Why do you think that?"
"We probably don't really have much in common; besides, she's always busy with her work and her school…and I'm busy with the things that matter to me."
"You mean you're busy being a housewife."
"Why does everyone act like that's such a bad thing?" Johanna asked. "I enjoy being a housewife. I love taking care of my husband; I like taking care of my home…and I have been working the last few days; I might be doing it here at home and under the radar but it's still work."
"I know and I'm very proud of you," Sarah told her. "There's nothing wrong with being a housewife; but it's not something that makes a marked difference in a friendship."
"No; I suppose not…I guess at the moment I just find it hard to consider the kind of friendship I want with a person that my daughter can so easily replace me with."
"Perhaps Martha doesn't know of these feelings you have…maybe you should tell her about how you feel."
"I can't do that!" Johanna exclaimed. "It's bad enough I told Katie!"
"You don't think Martha would understand?"
"No! She'd think I'm crazy like Katie does and she'd assure me that what I think isn't the case at all and all that jazz. No. I'm not telling anyone else."
"Not even Jim?" Sarah asked.
"Maybe Jim…if it would come up…and don't go doing any prodding of him to bring it up. You just stay out of his dreams."
Sarah laughed. "But it was so much fun."
"I don't care. You can play with his phone and pick on him in small non-threatening ways but stay out of his dreams…you're going to get him in trouble."
"I promise that I won't invade Jim's dreams unless absolutely necessary."
Johanna eyed her. "Make sure it isn't necessary."
"That, my dear, is up to you."
"Mhmm," she muttered.
"Are you ever going to tell him about our visits?" Sarah asked.
"I don't know…sometimes I want to but I'm afraid he'll think I've lost my mind."
"He won't think that at all; he believes…you know he does, he told you about the dream."
"I know…it's just kind of odd to think of and I'm not ready to share yet. Will I be having another visitor soon?"
"Yes…and no I won't tell you who."
Johanna gave a nod of resignation. "When I run out of visitors, does that mean I won't see you anymore," she asked, emotion glistening in her eyes.
Sarah smiled softly. "Oh, darling; I won't say that I won't ever stop in to visit you…but it won't be as often as it has been. You'll still know I'm here though; remember, a cardinal in the winter, a mockingbird in the spring…there will be other little things too…like a paperweight that's never in its correct place. I'll see you in your dreams though."
"I'll miss this though," she murmured.
"I'll stop in once in awhile…perhaps around Christmas and some other time in the year."
"I would like that."
"Let's not talk about it now," Sarah remarked. "I don't want to go off on my rounds and leave you sad. Jim will be home soon; you must be happy for him, you have plans, don't you?"
A smile graced Johanna's face. "Yes; we're going out for awhile."
"Wonderful," her grandmother said with a clap of her hands. "And do cover that mark on your neck before you go; no one needs to know about the fun you apparently had last night."
Johanna smirked at her. "Yes, Grandma; I'll conceal the evidence."
Sarah beamed at the usage of the term. "I love when you call me that."
"I'm glad I can make you happy."
"You've always made me happy," her grandmother assured. "Happy and proud. I have to be going now, enjoy your day with Jim. Don't let worries or thoughts of Katie's visit cloud what should be a happy outing for you."
She smiled. "I'll put it all behind me before Jim gets home…I want us to have a good time; he deserves it."
"So do you," Sarah reminded her. "You both deserve it; now you think happy thoughts and go back to sniffing those roses and daydreaming…the look of being madly in love suits you well, darling."
Johanna blushed as she laughed. "I'll do that…enjoy your rounds, Sarah."
"Until next time, my dear," her grandmother replied, a sparkle in her eyes and a smile on her lips as she faded away.
Johanna sighed as she was left alone but then she turned her attention to the vase of roses sitting on her desk and leaned closer to inhale their scent. It was nearly impossible to be unhappy when she had such beautiful flowers and the knowledge that her husband would soon be home and be all hers again.
Johanna swiped the last glob of icing from the bowl with her finger and devoured it, enjoying the sweet confection and the memory it brought of her mother and her childhood. The recipe for that white icing had been her mother's prize…she had often told the story of how she had tried several different concoctions before she had finally found the right ingredients to give her the taste and texture she wanted…a replica of an icing that she had once tasted on a slice of cake on a trip to upstate New York. Johanna looked at her own freshly iced cake and smiled. The cake wasn't really needed, they'd just had pies for the holiday…but she had a craving…and she was bored. Jim was once again at his brother's, still working on the problem with the car; a problem whose solution seemed to be eluding both men for the time being. They'd had a nice outing the day before, they had both enjoyed themselves and she was noticing that she was feeling less stressed than she had been the last several months. She put the lid on the cake plate, leaving her masterpiece in the center of the table for now; she'd fight the urge to slice into it until dinner time when she could have a piece with Jim for dessert.
She shivered slightly as she carried the empty bowl to the sink, the tea kettle whistling on the stove as she did so; the warmth of the kitchen seemed to be waning as the heat from the oven faded. The steam from the hot water that she poured into her mug warmed her hands as she dipped the tea bag into the liquid. She didn't know when Jim would be back but she hoped it was soon; Sundays were long and boring without him in the house with her. Johanna shook off that thought however, she wanted Jim and his brother to mend fences…he wouldn't tell her exactly what Michael had said about her return but she knew it hadn't been good. She felt guilty for causing him such trouble with his family, it made her ache inside. He should linger with his brother, doing whatever it was brothers did when they worked on cars together…it would make them all feel better. She'd take her tea and head for the living room; a warm throw waiting for her and she could pick one of her TV show DVDs to pop into the DVD player. Her time would be occupied and before she'd know it, it would be time to start dinner and her husband would come home.
As Johanna moved through the hallway, the air of the house felt colder, making her stomach flip as she realized there must be a visitor waiting for her. "Sarah?" she murmured; a tingle racing down her spine, a feeling of foreboding washing over her about the identity of who awaited. Her grandmother didn't appear, nor did she answer.
"Sarah," she whispered again. "Please?"
"Go on," her grandmother's voice whispered although she couldn't see her. "It'll be alright."
Johanna clutched the mug tightly, trying to absorb the warmth from the ceramic as it pressed against her skin. She crept closer to the living room, unease filling her. She heard the snap and rustle of a newspaper and she flinched; the sound was a part of the soundtrack of her childhood and she froze in place, shivering at the thought. She felt emotion surging forward and she debated fleeing to the safety of the upstairs, but then she wondered if perhaps her visitor would just follow her there and force this visit upon her.
"Johanna," a voice called out.
She squeezed her eyes shut; a tremor racing through her body and making her tea slosh around in the mug as her hands shook. She didn't want to think about who that voice belonged to…who she associated with the snap and rustle of the newspaper.
"Josie."
She trembled, it couldn't be…it just couldn't be…and if it was, she didn't know if it was a blessing or a nightmare.
To be continued…