A/N: Thanks for your reviews.
Chapter 10- Black Roses
"You can throw your words sharper than a knife. And leave me cold in another house on fire" –Clare Bowen
"Josie," the voice of her visitor called out once more and Johanna whimpered, her grip on her mug so tight that she was surprised that it hadn't busted in her hands. That voice…she knew that voice…it couldn't be…it just couldn't be. Her throat felt tight; why couldn't Sarah have prepared her? Why couldn't she appear and be there with her in this moment when she felt so in need of another presence?
"Come on, Josie," her visitor beckoned; his voice oddly gentle. "It's alright..."
His assurance did nothing to lessen her fear and unease. She didn't want to do this…she could already feel the ancient scabs on her heart being lifted, the wounds opening, memories pushing through, crossing the barriers. She just couldn't do this…she didn't want to.
"I'm not going away, Johanna; you may as well come in and get it over with."
Johanna felt a hand push her forward but she didn't see anyone when she looked over her shoulder…although she had a feeling the gentle shove had been from Sarah. She wasn't getting out of this, she was going to have to go in there and face him. She wasn't ready…she'd never be ready…she wanted to be wrong; wanted to think that she had mistaken the voice…but as her heart quivered, she knew she hadn't. Slowly she took a few more steps, pausing as she stood on the threshold of the living room, her eyes landing upon the spirit sitting in the recliner. She had known all along that it was him, but when his gaze met hers, she found herself for some inexplicable reason uttering the word she hadn't called him since she was six years old. "Daddy?" she murmured; her tone shaking and carrying the squeak of the emotion that was choking her and she hated herself for allowing that term to slip as she waited for a rebuke for it.
Frank McKenzie laid aside the newspaper and kept his gaze trained upon his daughter. "It's been a long time, Josie."
She nodded; her teeth worrying her bottom lip as she shifted uncomfortably.
"This is your home," Frank said; "You should feel at ease with coming in and sitting down."
Johanna pushed herself forward, forcing her feet to carry her to the sofa where she sat down. She carefully placed her mug on the coffee table; shivering as she lost the small amount of warmth the cup had been providing her.
"You're cold," Frank remarked as he nodded at the throw on the back of the couch. "Get your blanket and cover up…you're like your mother, she was always cold this time of year too."
She did as she was told without much thought; her mind too busy with trying to make sense of man before her; his tone non-threatening and yet her heart and mind was instinctively steeling itself for the worst. "Why are you here?" she managed to ask as she clutched the throw she had wrapped around her.
"Because I need to be here," he replied.
"Some kind of penance?" she asked.
"No."
She breathed deeply, shaking off some of the cobwebs and regaining a bit of composure. "The lectures of the others didn't have the desired results so they decided to send in the chairman of the board?"
Frank eyed her. "I wouldn't say that there haven't been positive results; there has been…but is that how you see me? The chairman of the board of lectures and punishment?"
Johanna held his gaze. "I suppose so."
Her father nodded. "I guess I can't blame you for that."
She could feel her nerves jumping beneath her skin, agitation filling her body, making her shrug off her blanket and surge to her feet. "So what are you here for?" she asked somewhat sharply. "Are you here to tell me how stupid I am?"
"Why would I do that?"
Johanna threw her hands up and gave a short laugh. "Because it was always one of your favorite pastimes? I can save you some time though; I already know I'm stupid."
"You're not stupid," he remarked.
"Oh, but I am," she replied. "There's no doubt about it anymore. So if that's what you're here for, I already know and I agree."
"You're getting upset," her father stated.
"Of course I am!" she exclaimed. "You're in my living room!"
"I've been in your living room before," he replied.
"But not like this!"
"What makes you so sure?"
"Why would you be here?" she asked.
"That's a ridiculous question to ask, Johanna. You're my daughter, why wouldn't I be around when I feel needed?"
She scoffed. "Because I'm your least favorite child."
"I thought you said you forgave me for the past," Frank remarked as she paced.
"I do…but that doesn't mean I've forgotten."
"Your mother never forgot anything either," he replied.
"Apparently neither do you."
"You never get over losing your mother, Johanna. You should know that," he said tartly. "And if you don't, you can ask Katie about it."
The comment landed with the impact of a sucker punch to the center of heart. The blood drained from her face and she sank down on the couch as the force of the remark knocked her off her feet. She covered her face with her hands, trying desperately not to give into the tears that sprung to her eyes but a few tears rebelled and slipped from beneath her lashes. She kept her lips clamped tightly together to keep the sob from tearing from her throat. Even as a ghost her father had the ability to wound…just as she feared.
"I'm sorry, Johanna. I shouldn't have said that," Frank stated. "It was cruel and uncalled for."
Johanna's hands dropped away from her face, hurt and anger swirling through her veins. "I wouldn't expect anything less of you," she replied, her voice shaking as she got back up to pace. "It's why I didn't want this to happen…I knew the afterlife wouldn't have changed you any."
"Johanna…."
"No!" she yelled. "No. I might've had to put up with you and your nastiness when you were alive but I'll be damned if I'm going to do it now that you're dead so you just get out of my living room because I don't want you here. I don't want to hear what you have to say because it's going to be the same thing I've heard all my life! Knowing the truth about why you hate me doesn't change anything, I'm still me and you're still you…and I don't want to do this!"
"Sit down!" Frank barked. "Your damn pacing gets on my nerves."
"What have I ever done that didn't get on your nerves?" she asked. "Seems like I annoy you just by breathing…oh and let's not forget, because I have green eyes."
"Sit down."
"I will when you leave."
"I can't leave," Frank said as he glared at her. "We would have unfinished business."
"We don't have any unfinished business," Johanna replied. "We concluded our business long ago."
"Did we?"
"I think so. I spent as much time with you as I could toward the end, time you probably didn't want but got anyway. We said our goodbyes."
"But we weren't at peace with each other," Frank remarked.
"Were we ever?" she scoffed. "I think I did make my peace; and I did it long before we said goodbye, Dad. I knew where I stood. I knew I couldn't change things and I knew it was just the way it was between us. I didn't set up nights worrying about it."
"Are you sure about that?" her father asked.
"Yeah; I am."
"You were bothered that you couldn't mourn me."
"Turned out it was only a delayed reaction," she replied. "Try again."
Frank eyed her. "Your attitude has done a total one-eighty from when you first came into the room."
"The shock has faded."
"When is your attitude going to fade?"
"Never," she said, defiance in her eyes. "You wanted forgiveness and I gave it to you. What more do you want from me?"
"That's probably a question Katie asks herself. She forgave you and yet you want more," he said snidely.
Johanna glared at him. "I want to be a part of my child's life," she said sharply. "Unlike you, I enjoy being with my daughter."
"Well maybe she doesn't want it. Maybe she doesn't want you hanging around all the time. You never wanted me around."
"I didn't say I wanted to be glued to her hip. I just want to see her once in awhile; spend some time with her, having a meal or shopping, anything…just once in awhile. I want to feel like her mother instead of feeling like I'm being replaced by someone else's mother. There were plenty of times when I wanted you around, but you weren't there. You took me to the theater once without Mom…that's the only thing I ever remember just the two of us doing. You showed up for my graduations but you weren't at my dance recitals or piano recitals, school plays or awards banquets. The only reason you saw me cheer the first year I was in high school was because Frankie was playing his last year of football. You didn't come to see me the other three years I was in school. I remember times when your trips to see Uncle Colin would coincide with my birthday when I was a kid. There were plenty of times when I wanted you, but you didn't want me. I spent nineteen birthdays with my child; I was at every event she had and I don't want those years disregarded because I made a mistake and life spiraled out of my control; so don't you compare me to you. My daughter knew she was loved by both of her parents and that's not something I can say about myself. You wouldn't even hold my hand to walk me across the street when I was a little girl! So don't you ever act like we're in the same class when it comes to being a parent because we're not!"
Frank was silent for a moment as he watched his daughter tremble with anger as she finally sat back down on the sofa. "That hand holding incident when you were six…that really changed things between us for good, didn't it? That was when you stopped calling me daddy."
Johanna wrapped her arms around her midsection as if she was trying to physically hold herself together. "I knew where I stood…you didn't want me…you didn't want to be my daddy so why call you by that name? You told me to act like a little lady so I did. I didn't need you to walk me to school in Mom and Frankie's absence; I knew where it was and I knew my way home. I didn't need you."
"Yes, you did," Frank said quietly. "I should've held your hand."
"It wasn't necessary," she said somewhat sharply. "I made it alright on my own."
Her father grew quiet once more as he regarded her, feeling her unease, her anger, her anxiety and a hundred little things in between that were gnawing at her nerves, making her bounce between emotions like a tennis ball being batted across the net. "What upsets you the most about me being here, Johanna?" he asked.
"Everything."
"Don't give me that," he retorted. "What bothers you most?"
Johanna swallowed hard, her hands gripping the couch cushion as she tried to fight the urge to pace. "I guess I'm afraid of what you have to say."
"About what specifically?"
She hesitated; a feeling of anxiety wrapping around her.
"Johanna," he demanded; his tone taking her back to her childhood when he'd be demanding an explanation for her behavior or where she'd been or what she had done.
"About what I did," she whispered.
Frank eyed her. "Say it."
She squeezed her eyes shut; she always hated when he made her say things that she didn't necessarily want to say. "Going into hiding," she finally murmured. "For being away so long."
Frank shook his head. "You didn't have any say in how long it was going to be, Johanna. I know you talked yourself into believing that it would only be a few months…and then months turned into years; but it isn't your fault…you couldn't risk putting Jim and Katie in danger by revealing yourself too soon. You had to wait for the right time; and I know, you feel like it took too long to find that time…but it's the way it was supposed to be. If you had come back sooner, it could've been disastrous. The time was right; you've been told that before. Learn to accept it and stop beating yourself up over it. For God's sake; you've turned yourself into a human punching bag."
A crackle of fire lit up her green eyes. "I have a lot of experience at being a human punching bag…it dates back to childhood."
He was quiet for a moment and then gave a wave of his hand. "We'll get back to that; we're talking about why you're bothered that I'm here."
"I told you why and you haven't given me any answers about it," she remarked.
"What answer are you looking for?"
She frowned. "I really don't want to play your twisted games today, Dad."
"You want to know if I think you did the right thing," Frank stated. "You want to know if I thought you were smart or foolish."
Johanna gave a slight nod, her gaze dipping to the floor; the carpeting suddenly of great interest and she made a mental note of maybe hinting to Jim that they should get something new.
"You did the right thing," her father remarked. "You did the smart thing. You didn't deserve to be caught in that web, and you didn't deserve to lose your life for it. You were saved because that's how it was supposed to be. You made the smart choice because by doing so, you not only kept yourself alive, you kept Katie and Jim safe too…because if you had tried to fight it, if they had known...none of you would've made it out, Johanna. You did the only thing that could be done; you waited for the right time to come back. I know it's not easy for you to live with the choices you were forced to make, but like I said; you need to accept it. It happened; it can't be changed, you made the choice anyone with common sense and an ounce of intelligence would make. I'm not angry with you, I'm not disappointed or ashamed or anything else you might think. You did what I wanted you to do; and believe it or not, Josie; I've been with you through those years…I was with you when you faced the bastard. You were strong and brave; you showed him what McKenzies are made of. You made me proud."
Tears filled her eyes but she didn't allow them to fall. "Really?" she whispered; her eyes meeting his.
He nodded. "You've always made me proud; I'm sorry I didn't tell you more often…I thought I was doing you a favor by not coddling you…but maybe I should've coddled you a little…gave you a little more security. I let you down in some areas, didn't I?"
She said nothing; fearful of answering that question; it didn't really seem like she needed to, it should've been obvious…and really she didn't like to anger her father…especially now that she was seeing him like this…she wasn't sure she wanted to deal with an angry ghost that would most likely make Sarah's temper tantrums look like a walk in the park.
"You can say it…I won't get angry," Frank told her.
Johanna gave a hesitant nod, the words refusing to roll off her tongue. An understanding look flicked across his features, the sight rare to her and yet she still couldn't find her voice.
"I know it won't help…but at the end; I regretted it so much," he said quietly. "I should've told you that…every day you made time to come and see me…to read me the newspaper because the medication gave me headaches and I couldn't stand to read when my head was pounding. I could've told you on any one of those days…I wanted to; I just couldn't find the right words…especially with the way things were between us. I'm sorry, Johanna. I could've been a better father to you; I should've shown you how much I love you more often. I shouldn't have made my hang ups your problem. I could've done a lot of things differently; I wish I had."
"I wish you had too."
"I know apologies don't make it better; but I hope at least that you'll believe me."
She refrained from commenting on that for the time being. She didn't know whether to believe his words or not…she wanted to…but she'd been burned by him before, more times than she could count or cared to remember. She sucked in a breath, trying to calm the torrent of emotions brewing inside of her.
"I should've held your hand," Frank said once more.
"I was a big girl," she stated; the bravado she wanted to present slipping, her voice quivering.
Her father shook his head. "No; you were a little girl…you're still my little girl, even now."
She scoffed in disbelief. "You are," he insisted. "There are always times when I look at you and see you as a little girl, your curly hair and your little face that could've been on a porcelain doll, wearing that little cowgirl outfit you loved so much when you were four. Frankie made me get you a holster and a gun so you could play cowboys with him; you were so tiny I had to punch a new hole in the belt just so it would stay up on your hips," he said with a chuckle.
Johanna looked at him with a raised brow. "What?" her father asked. "You were a cute little girl…and you grew up to be a beautiful woman."
"I guess it's just hard to believe you have fond memories like that of me."
"I do have fond memories," Frank remarked. "Don't you?"
"I have fond memories of lots of things," she replied. "Jim, Katie, my siblings…"
"I meant of me," he said, a bit of tartness in his tone.
She rocked herself for a moment. "I don't know."
He looked at her with a mix of sternness, offense…and something she couldn't quite put her finger on. "Don't you ever remember the good times?" Frank asked.
"Depends, what day was that?" Johanna asked.
"Quit being a smartass!"
She smirked. "I thought I was asking a legitimate question."
"What about when we'd watch Perry Mason together?"
Johanna shrugged. "It was nice but it was also courtroom combat training…you argued with me a lot about my theories when they differed from yours."
Frank frowned. "Fine, what about when we danced when you were little… at that big birthday party for your grandfather."
She looked at him incredulously. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Stop doing that!" her father bellowed.
"Doing what? I don't remember dancing with you when I was little."
"Yes, you do! How can you not remember?!"
"Probably because I was young when this supposedly happened and ten other bad memories took its place."
Frank glowered at her. "There were pictures!"
"Dad, I don't remember and I never saw any pictures of it!"
Her father's jaw grew tight and his eyes snapped with anger. "You don't remember because you don't want to!"
Johanna shook her head. "Believe me, Dad; that's something that I'd want to remember. I'd much rather forget you screaming at me when I broke my arm."
Anger was still written upon his face. "You were probably four years old…you were wearing a little white dress, trimmed in lace with puffed short sleeves and black patent leather dress shoes…they were so shiny, you keep leaning over to see yourself in them when you were sitting down. Your hair was curly then; your mother had a white bow fixed in your hair."
"I don't remember," she said gently. "I'm sorry."
"The song was Moonlight Serenade," he went on; unable to let the memory go.
"I know the song," Johanna replied. "You and Mom used to play it all the time; it's from before I was even born."
"It was one of your grandfather's favorites," Frank stated. "It was the first song your mother and I ever danced to, at a long ago closed down nightclub. We always danced to that song; but that night she got called away to help with something and you wanted to dance so I danced with you, I held you and we danced and you giggled and begged to spin around…and I did…just to hear you laugh."
She couldn't remember; no matter how much she wanted to, and she wished with everything she had that she could remember that moment, because maybe if she had that memory it would ease something deep within her heart; but it was lost to her and she was sorry that it clearly hurt him that she couldn't recall a memory that he had held dear. "I'm sorry," she murmured.
He shook his head. "It's not your fault," he remarked; an edge to his tone. "I guess you have no good memories of me."
Johanna's head dipped; she had a few memories she cherished…it was just hard to be open with him about them. "I remember when we danced at my wedding…that was a good memory…we danced to Elvis Presley's 'Memories'."
"Why is that a good memory?" he asked.
Her gaze met his. "Because it was the one time in my life I could remember feeling like you didn't want to let me go," she said softly. "As the song played through, you started holding on a little tighter…that's why I made them play it twice…I wanted to hang on a little longer."
"I was glad," he confessed. "I wasn't ready to let go either."
"It's a little hard for me to believe that," Johanna admitted.
"I know; but it doesn't make it any less true. Do you know why I picked that song?"
She shrugged. "Because you liked it?"
"Not only that," he replied. "I always thought of you when I heard that song."
"Why?"
"Because it was playing on the radio the day you were getting ready to go to your senior prom. You were walking around the house in a white blouse and jean shorts, trying to break in your new heels, your hair in curlers and waving your hands to make your nail polish dry…and it hit me then that you'd be graduating in a few weeks…going off to Columbia in the fall…you weren't a little girl anymore. I had blinked and you had grown," he said with a wistful note. "All that day I watched you getting ready, fussing over your hair, your nails, you dress…and all I could think about was when you were little and you'd walk around in your mother's heels and one of her old dresses she cut down for you girls to play dress up with. You had an old floppy hat and a pair of lacy gloves someone had given you…and your hair was always curly back then. It was difficult to reconcile that the little girl who played dress up was now a young woman…and that song always reminded me of that."
Tears stung her eyes. "Why couldn't you be like this when we had time together?" Johanna asked. "Do you know how much it hurts to know that you could've been capable of it?"
"I know," Frank stated quietly.
"Why couldn't you just love me like I needed you to?" she cried. "Why did you have to be so harsh and cold with me? Why did you sometimes crack the door open and let me have hope only to slam it in my face? Why couldn't you just love me…despite what I reminded you of? Do you know how unfair it is to be punished for something you can't control? I feel like I've been through that sort of punishment twice in my life…first with you…and then when I took that damn case and was exiled from my family…from my whole life. That cycle started with you…I'm always paying for someone else's sins! Why!? Why did you do that to me!?"
"Because I was selfish!" he exclaimed angrily. "I was selfish and foolish; I robbed us both over something you had no control over and I regret it…I carry it with me. I know I done you wrong. I know you deserved a better father…I've always known it; and yet I didn't change. I was a fool, Johanna; okay? Does it help to hear it put that way? Does it make you feel better?"
"No," she cried. "You knew what you were doing…and yet you continued to blame me my whole life for something that I didn't even know about and the reason just isn't good enough, Dad. It's not good enough…and knowing the truth…it makes me angry and hurt and things I can't even put a name on, but I forgave you anyway…"
"A part of you didn't want to, did you?" Frank asked.
"No," she admitted through her tears. "A part of me wanted to deny you forgiveness…I wanted to punish you like you punished me…but I couldn't live with the thought that my lack of forgiveness might keep you from having peace…and sometimes I don't know why I care about your peace or not, because you never seemed to care about mine."
"You care because you love me," her father remarked. "You try not to…you always have, and I admit, there were times I believed that maybe you didn't…and I told myself I was alright with that; but I wasn't. I didn't want you to believe that I hated you and I didn't want to believe that you hated me."
"But I've said it at times…once you were gone," Johanna said, swallowing hard. "You probably heard me."
"I did," he said with a nod. "But I knew you didn't mean it. You wanted to hate me so it wouldn't hurt so much…but I know you didn't mean it, Johanna. I know you love me in the best way you can; a way that I didn't make easy…but it was impossible to erase…isn't it?"
"I guess it was," she said softly. "Why couldn't you just talk to me about your reasons? Maybe things could've been better if you had just talked to me once in awhile…maybe I could've made things easier somehow...I could've changed my hair color or stayed away more…something to ease the distaste. I would've tried at least…but you never talked to me about any of it."
"Because I didn't like to talk about it," Frank said tartly.
Johanna scoffed softly. "It must be where Katie gets it."
"Aren't there things you don't want to talk about?" he asked.
"Yeah…and somehow I always end up talking about them anyway," she answered. "It doesn't always help but at least the people I care about know whatever it is."
"We can't all be perfect like you," Frank said sarcastically.
"Please," she said with a bitter laugh. "Don't you dare imply that I think I'm perfect because I'm so far from that word that I can't even see it in the distance."
"My mother was never an easy topic to discuss," he said tartly.
"Yes, I know; I remember being told when I was about thirteen to never mention her again when I asked about her because I had to do a family tree for school."
"I should've told you about your grandmother…I should've told you what you wanted to know about her and then told you that I didn't want to speak about it again."
"She didn't leave you on purpose, Dad; it's the last thing she would've wanted."
"I know that," he snapped. "But you don't know what it was like growing up with my grandmother…she told us if our mother really loved us she wouldn't have been foolish enough to get caught in the rain when she knew she hadn't recovered completely from her last ailment."
"But you knew your mother loved you…you had to know."
"I did…or at least I thought I did; then my grandmother, Amelia; she just taught us to hate her and she wouldn't let us see our other grandmother or anyone else in my mother's family."
"Grandpa shouldn't have allowed that," she murmured. "Why didn't he stop her from ruling with an iron fist?"
"Because he was too busy drowning in his grief. For the first few years all that mattered to him was work and a few glasses of scotch at the end of the day. Some days he didn't even come home. I learned to hate my mother and anything that reminded me of her…and then you came along…with her hair color, her eyes, her laugh…and then your mother had to go and give you my mother's middle name. It was just too much."
"But it wasn't my fault," Johanna murmured.
"It didn't seem to matter at times that it wasn't your fault, now did it?"
The comment carried the sting of a slap. "I guess it didn't matter…after all, I have plenty of evidence to prove it. Maybe Mom thought you'd feel better if she honored your mother by giving me a part of her name…and really, that's all she was doing; she just wanted to honor her for you."
"I know a part of you feels and thinks that your mother let me get away with the way I acted toward you," Frank remarked as he eyed her knowingly. "You never get angry at her for it…but it's there."
"How can I be angry with her when I know there wasn't anything she could do to change you? She was the center of my world when I was a kid, she was the person I looked to for guidance as a young woman…I tried to live up to her image…and I've failed horribly, but I never doubted that she loved me…and maybe I never doubted that she thought you were wrong to be the way you were…but her hands were tied and it wasn't her fault."
"No, it wasn't her fault…but maybe I felt like she didn't understand that part of me," Frank replied.
"Well did you ever try to talk to her about it? Did you ever try to tell her in a way that didn't involve acting like a jackass? Did you ever try doing it without blowing your stack over it?"
Frank glared at her. "Meaning what?"
Johanna gave a short laugh as she shook her head. "Meaning you're not exactly known for your conversational skills. You never liked to actually talk about anything…you liked to bark, bellow and demand."
"It's how you get results," he retorted. "Why do you think I was successful at business?"
"We weren't your employees or your competition, Dad. We were your family!"
"Your mother and I talked about a lot of things, Johanna; you don't know everything; you don't know what we discussed behind closed doors; but that doesn't mean she understood. If she had understood anything, she would've named you Melissa like we planned!"
"That's not my fault," she remarked. "And if the name she gave me distressed you so much, why didn't you have it changed? You had the money, you had a lawyer that could've taken care of it; back then it wouldn't have been all that hard to do…you probably wouldn't have even needed Mom's permission since you were my father and things were still male dominated back then. You could've went to the court the next day and filed papers to have Johanna Elizabeth changed to Melissa Elizabeth."
"It was supposed to be Melissa Alexandra," he snapped. "I wanted you to have your mother's middle name, not my sister's!"
"Again; not my problem…although I would've liked my middle name to have been Alexandra; but the point stands; you had the power to change it…so why didn't you?"
Frank stared her down but she refused to blink. "Why didn't you try to change it," she repeated.
"I don't know."
Her brow rose. "I was never allowed to get away with an answer like that."
"I didn't change it because it didn't seem worth the hassle…your mother would've yelled for weeks and you had already been unnamed for too long and I didn't want you thinking your name was 'baby' or 'sissy'."
"I was a newborn, Dad; I didn't know anyone's name, let alone my own."
Frank gave her a stern look. "I guess I figured that the name suited you even if I did hate it."
Johanna's gaze dipped. "Because you already hated me," she murmured.
"No," he said, his tone softer. "I didn't hate you…I just wished you didn't look like her."
"I look like Mom too," she remarked. "Couldn't you focus on that?"
"I did…as much as I could; but then you'd do something or say something that would remind me of my mother and I couldn't stand it."
"But I didn't know I was doing it, I didn't know anything about her."
"I know…I know it wasn't your fault; that you couldn't help it that you had inherited some of her traits; but I couldn't help how I reacted either. I didn't want to be reminded of her; I didn't want you to be like her, I was afraid it doomed you to a bad fate…and don't go making something out of that because what happened to you has nothing to do with repeating my mother's history, even though neither one of you would've chosen the cards you were each dealt. I know my reasons for my behavior aren't good ones, I know that the truth doesn't ease your pain and make it better…it probably only made it worse because we can't change anything now."
"You're right," Johanna said softly. "It does make it worse in some ways…because I think about how if you had just told me…we could've at least had a little bit of time, we could've made our peace in a better way."
"I'm sorry," Frank told her. "I can't change the past; I wish I could but I can't…just like you can't change it. I had to accept that I can't change what I did, that I kept us from having the relationship we could have…and you have to accept that you did the only thing you could do thirteen years ago; you can't change it."
"That's different, Dad."
"I know that; but once you accept it and learn to let it go, you'll feel better. I have my regrets, Johanna; so do you, but I don't want you to be ate alive by things you can't control or change."
She grew silent; the message one all of her visitors seemed to bestow upon her but she was more concerned with the unfinished business of their relationship; the wounds that had never completely healed…things that bothered her from time to time.
"What's on your mind, Josie?" Frank inquired.
"Why did you put my letter in with Katie's?" she asked; her throat tight with emotion.
"Not for the reasons you think," he replied. "I didn't do it on purpose or to hurt you…I was trying to hide the letters from your mother and I accidentally shoved them both into the same envelope. I'm sorry, I know it hurt you; I know you thought it was one last slap for the road but I swear to you it wasn't."
"It felt like it at the time," she murmured. "It still felt like it when Katie found it."
"And then you didn't even want to read it," Frank remarked.
"Can you blame me?" Johanna asked.
Her father glanced away for a moment. "No; I suppose I can't."
"I was afraid it was a listing of my faults…and I'm already acutely aware of them," she commented, her fingers toying with the hem of her shirt.
"I just needed you to know…I wrote it that day after you had visited; I told you I loved you and I could tell you didn't believe me…and it hurt; a hurt of my own making. I knew then I was a failure."
"You're not a failure," Johanna stated. "You can't help how you felt."
"But I do love you; I always have, I wasn't lying to you that day."
She wasn't ready to fully go down that road yet so she shifted her focus to the next item on the list that had formed in her mind. "Why didn't you give me Sarah's box yourself?"
"I just felt like I couldn't after I had hidden it for so long," he answered. "I thought I could trust Frankie with the task. I didn't know he'd take his grief out on you."
"You should've given it to Jim," she replied. "You could've called him at work and had him come over when no one was there. He would've given it to me."
"I didn't think of that option at the time," Frank remarked. "If I had, I would've done that. I did feel badly for keeping that box from you after I had promised your grandfather that I'd give it you. I know I disappointed him…he's told me so."
Johanna's head bobbed in understanding. "You were very angry with me when Grandpa passed."
"I know…I used you as my verbal punching bag during that time. I took my grief out on you…but just know that your mother did slap me for it."
Her eyes widened in surprise. "She did?"
Frank nodded. "She did…your mother could back a hell of a sting in that hand."
"I know," she replied. "She slapped me the night of Colleen's rehearsal dinner."
"We both learned not to say certain things, didn't we?" Frank said with a wry chuckle.
"Yeah; I guess we did."
Seriousness swept back across her father's features. "I'm not proud of that time, Johanna. I'm not proud of hurting you so badly…especially when you were grieving too. I know you were only trying to help him when the doctor told you to play along with his delusions…you were only giving him comfort and I wouldn't allow myself to see that. I know you've never forgotten the things I said that day and I wish I could take it all back."
"It's okay," Johanna said softly as she glanced away.
"No, it isn't," he replied. "I regret it and I apologize."
"We got past it," she stated.
"But it changed things between us, didn't it? You didn't try as hard anymore…I don't know exactly how to explain it, but there were times when it felt like you had somehow managed to put up a barrier between us for the most part…I think in my letter I described it as a door that you'd crack open once in awhile to test the waters and if it didn't seem right, you'd close it and go on without complaint."
"I guess I was trying to protect myself…I didn't ever want to have to hear you say those things again that you said after Grandpa's funeral."
"I know…you tried to keep to yourself as much as you could when it came to me. If I hadn't demanded to meet Jim after you got engaged, I'm sure you wouldn't have introduced me to him until I walked you down the aisle at the wedding."
"I was afraid you'd treat him unfairly…that he would be a new soft spot for you to kick."
"I suppose I can't blame you for thinking that way," Frank commented; "But I never considered doing that for a moment."
"I was glad that you didn't."
Her father glanced at her. "I tried to do better after Katie was born."
Johanna gave a nod. "I think we both did…I didn't want her to see how bad it could get between us. After reading your letter though, I couldn't help but wonder why her eyes didn't bother you…she has my eyes…she looks like me, except for her hair color and her height."
"Her eyes did bother me when I first looked at them," he admitted. "But I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. I didn't want to punish my granddaughter the way I had punished my daughter. It was easier to look at her and think that she looked like you and Naomi than the reminder of Sarah McKenzie that came through her genes. You and Katie both have Naomi's nose and her mouth. Your hands are like your mother's; Katie has your mother-in-law's hair color and Jim's height. Maybe there were enough differences to make it easier with Katie, but I really didn't want to make that mistake again. I wish I hadn't made it with you."
"There's nothing to be done about it now," she said softly. "I guess we managed the best we could."
"I was hard on you," Frank stated. "I was afraid if I wasn't you'd have that supposed weakness I was made to believe that my mother had…but you're not weak; and my mother, her only fault was that at that point in time her lungs were weaker than they should've been due to a previous illness. It was hard to understand that…even harder after my grandmother's brainwashing."
"I understand," Johanna replied. "I just hope that you've made your peace with her now."
"I have," he answered. "She told you so; we're alright now, we're all together and we look after all of you."
"That's good to know."
"I know that things haven't been easy for you since you've come home to New York."
She gave him a small smile. "Seems like nothing ever is easy for the McKenzies…just seems to be our luck somehow."
"But we find our way out of it eventually," Frank remarked. "You'll find your way; you always have before."
"Sometimes it feels like it's getting harder instead of easier."
"There's going to be hard times and growing pains, Johanna; you just have to know that you're going to be fine when it finally passes."
"I hope so," she sighed. "I wish we had a little more moral support from so called loved ones at times but as long as I have Jim, I'll be fine."
"You don't have to worry about that; he's always going to be there for you, just like he always has been."
"I know," she said softly. "I thank God for that every day."
It was quiet for a moment before he spoke once again and broke the silence that she had been afraid would linger. "Things are…difficult between you and your sister," Frank remarked as he met her eye.
Johanna gave a slight nod, noting how difficult it seemed to be for him to have so many serious conversations with her. "Difficult might not be the best term for it."
"What would you call it?" he asked.
She shrugged. "I don't know…final? There feels like there's a feeling of finality there…like nothing can be changed and I have to find a way to accept that but it isn't easy…but as you know, nothing ever is for me. I hate being that way; I hate that so many things bother me. It's the one way I wish I was like you in. Stuff like that never bothered you. I don't know if it was because you're a man or just because you didn't care. I wish I didn't care. My life would be so much easier if I just didn't care so much about every little thing."
"I don't want you to be too much like me in that regard, Johanna. Do I think there are areas where you should care a little less? Yes; because you drive yourself crazy. But I don't think it's a tactic you need in every aspect of your life. You just need some balance in that area…you're so much like your mother; she always thought with her heart first and her head second."
"She claims I'm like you."
"In some ways you are."
Johanna frowned. "We were talking about Colleen, I think."
Frank smiled wryly. "Is it so terrible to be like me in some ways?"
"The jury is still out on that one."
"Your sister was the topic," he remarked, ignoring her comment. "She was…."
"A bitch," Johanna supplied.
Frank's head bobbed slightly. "I can't say that; she's my daughter."
"How many times did you say it about me despite being your daughter?"
"Never. I never called you names like that. I called you a brat…that's entirely different word and there were times when you were a goddamn smart mouthed brat."
"But back to Colleen," Johanna replied.
"She's also a smart mouthed brat…that you've always allowed to get away with too much. I wish to God that your mother wouldn't have been home for an hour that night before Colleen's wedding when you two got into it and you were in the process of giving her the ass kicking she needed. I shouldn't have pulled you off of her. I should've left you finish it…you might've adjusted her attitude."
"I doubt it. Colleen is always going to be this way. Someone could walk up to her and punch her in the face and she'd still be the same person…just with a new cry about how she was victimized and unfairly treated. I just can't believe she had the audacity to stand there and say that you favored me over her…did I miss something? Was she not living in the same house with us?"
"She was there," Frank agreed. "But Colleen's got a different way of looking at things."
"A way that doesn't make any sense."
"It does to her."
She sighed. "What are you saying? Are you defending her, agreeing with her, or what? I mean I don't care either way; I know the truth; you weren't all that crazy about either one of us but you did favor Colleen over me."
"Did I?"
Johanna laughed but it lacked humor. "Yeah, you did."
"How do you figure?"
"Well let's see; Colleen was always on your lap when she was little; you didn't hold me. You were at every one of her birthday parties when we were kids; I remember parties of mine that you weren't at. You told her she didn't have what it took to be a singer and yet you were at every school talent show she entered…you didn't come to the school plays I was in though. She didn't get yelled at as much as I did, she got more warnings than I did…I was always straight to grounding. I don't recall you hitting her with the belt when she pushed you too far, but you hit me with it. You never slapped her across the face for her attitude…but you slapped me. Everything she wanted came before what I wanted; like her dance classes and pictures got paid for before my cheerleading uniform and pictures…and Grandpa had to pay for the pictures. There were a hundred and one little things that made me feel like she was favored over me…and it was fine, I knew you'd never favor me and I accepted that. But for her to say I was the favored one? Tell me she isn't living in a whole other universe."
"Your sister has always lived in another universe," Frank stated; "And honestly I don't know how any of you can say I favored one over the other."
"You definitely favored Frankie over both of us."
"That's different; he's a boy; fathers always have a different relationship with their sons and you girls didn't make anything easy when it came to relationships with you."
Johanna arched a brow at him. "I didn't make it easy?"
He glared at her. "Alright, you were more complicated because of me," he said grudgingly. "But the things you mentioned about Colleen…she sat on my lap when she was little because she invited herself to, she climbed up there and if I put her down your mother would give me a look or yell at me later. You never climbed up uninvited."
"Because I knew you didn't want me to sit with you."
"You could have…but you didn't. I'm not blaming you for it, I know why you didn't just climb up like Colleen did; but the fact remains that she usually took it upon herself and you didn't. As for your birthday parties, I know I missed some, but my trips to visit Colin weren't just whims; I had a stake in your grandfather's business and I went a few times a year to the board meetings. It wasn't anything personal against you; and to tell you the truth, I hated kids birthday parties, if I could've avoided all of them I would have. I did miss a few of Colleen's; I wasn't at her first birthday party and I wasn't at her third; you just don't remember because you were little. I missed a few of Frankie's too…but I had business to take care of and those dealings are what made it possible to provide you kids with birthday parties and anything else you needed or wanted. Any time I had to be away, I always brought you kids back a little gift to show that I had thought about you."
"I know," she replied.
"I'm pretty sure I yelled at Colleen just as much as I yelled at you…and if she didn't get grounded as much as she needed to be, it was because your mother didn't inform me of every detail of whatever she had done. There were probably a few times when I let her slide…because I didn't want to listen to the hissy fit she'd throw if I didn't. With you and your brother; you'd take your punishment, grumble about it going up the stairs but you didn't put on the show Colleen did…and honestly some days I just wasn't in the mood for it. I did hit Colleen with the belt; I don't know why you don't remember it but I did…not that it did her any good; which is probably why I stopped after awhile."
"You never slapped her across her face."
"I should have," Frank remarked.
"But you didn't."
He sighed. "Johanna, I slapped you across your face because you got a little too big for your britches that night and wouldn't shut your mouth when I warned you to; you kept on running your mouth, giving me that attitude of yours and yes, I slapped you across your face…it shut you up and adjusted your attitude. Maybe you should've given Katie a smack at some point in time and she wouldn't have the attitude problem she has."
"I did slap her once when she was a teenager," she admitted. "She snuck out and went to a party I told her she couldn't go to, so I went and found her…with a beer bottle in her hand and dressed like a street walker. I screamed at her all the way home and she screamed back…she called me a bitch…and I slapped her. I felt terrible…I always swore to myself that I'd never do that; I knew how it felt…and then I did it and I felt like I was turning into you."
"You might have felt bad for it but she deserved it…just like you deserved it. She could use a good smack nowadays."
"What makes you say that?"
"She has an attitude problem," Frank remarked. "She thinks that badge of hers makes her boss of the world and that everything gets to be on her terms. She thinks that going through hard times means she gets a special exemption from certain rules when it comes to relationships. Everything she does is fine in her mind but let someone else do it and it's wrong. She only wants you around when it's convenient for her and she likes being able to slap your face with those thirteen years you had to be gone. She gets to push people away, she gets to call the shots, she gets to run…and that writer, he lets her. He coddles her and strokes her ego just as much as she strokes his. Like your sister, there's a part of her that likes to cast herself in the role of victim, and I'm not discounting the things she's been through, in some ways she has been a victim, but she takes it to extremes, it's her favorite excuse. She wouldn't be able to function if she didn't have you to blame everything in her life on…and you, you let her do it. You let her do it because you think you owe it to her because you had to leave for awhile. Well guess what, Johanna; you don't owe her. I know she was hurt by what happened, but she was already grown up, you had raised her and done your job. It's not like she was a little girl still in elementary school and that you ran off to start a new life because you were bored. She likes to have control over everything, and with you, she wants you to be kept on the shelf when she doesn't want you and she wants you available at a moment's notice when she does, and she wants to call all the shots about how every relationship in her life goes. What Katie hasn't learned is that she doesn't get to have all the control and that she doesn't get to make all the rules and accuse other people of being coddled when she's coddled herself in a lot of ways."
"She sounds a lot like you," Johanna replied.
He nodded. "It's not the first time you've made that assessment."
"No, it isn't…she's also got a dose of Elizabeth in her."
"I love Katie," Frank stated. "I'm proud of her…but she needs some adjustments in her attitude and her behaviors. I don't want her to be like me…or that bag of a mother-in-law of yours. She talks about you needing to get over things...she needs to get over it too."
Johanna allowed that comment to pass for the moment. "It's been said that Jim coddles me."
"He does," her father replied. "But he's also not afraid to call you out on something. He's not afraid to fight with you or push back against you. That's why you two are balanced; it's why your relationship works, it's why its lasted and was able to come back from an unintended separation. You and Jim; you know that there's going to be tough moments and you know you're going to get through them together. Katie wants to do everything on her own."
"I should probably be defending her…but I've seen the things you mentioned."
"Seeing her faults doesn't mean you love her any less, Johanna. You're her mother, she's always going to be perfect in some ways to you, but it's okay to see the not so perfect things too. The balance you have with Jim is the sort of balance you need with Kate. Quit kissing her backside; you're a McKenzie, we don't do that. When she pushes you, you shove her right back where she belongs. She might get pissed off, she might not talk to you for a few weeks…but let her go; she'll come back when she realizes it doesn't bother you and that you're not a doormat that's always out for her to wipe her feet on."
"Everyone keeps telling me that," she murmured.
Frank gave a nod. "Then keep listening to it and do what's suggested. You and I had our problems, Josie; we fought a lot, you walked away several times and didn't come around for weeks; and you were right to do that, just like we were right to stay quiet until you came back…but the point is, even with the way things were between you and I, you always came back…and one time I even came and asked you back in a roundabout way."
The spark of remembrance lit up her eyes. "When you came to my office after I got back from my vacation that summer Grandpa died?"
He nodded. "That's the time…I hadn't seen you in over a month and a half."
"You said Mom sent you."
"I didn't say that exactly."
"You implied it."
The spirit shifted a little. "She had been harping at me about it…but she didn't exactly tell me to go find you…I took that upon myself."
"Why?"
"Because she missed you and I was tired of her crying."
"So it wasn't about you at all?" she stated.
His gaze flicked to hers. "Alright, your mother was part of the reason but…I…."
"You what?"
"I missed you too," her father admitted.
Johanna glanced down at the floor. "I didn't think you ever missed me."
"I did…I just didn't like to admit it."
She gave a nod as her gaze met his once more. "I miss you…you might not believe that but I do."
"I believe you," he told her. "And I know it's not the same, but I'm with you. I always know what's going on in your world. I hear you when you talk to me."
Her chin quivered as she tried not to cry. "There was a moment over the summer when I told Jim that I was glad you weren't here to see what I had done because you'd probably tell me how stupid I was…."
"It's alright, Josie; I understood why you said it. I'm not angry."
She swallowed hard. "But I don't want to hurt you either."
"You didn't, I understood."
"You're not just saying that to make me feel better?"
Her father gave her a smile. "No, Josie; I really did understand…I understand you better than you think."
Johanna wasn't sure she wanted to delve into that so she shifted the focus back to their original topic. "I believe we were talking about Colleen originally."
"We were; and all I can say about your sister is that she's always been flighty and self-absorbed. She might figure it out one day and come around, but if she doesn't, that's her problem, not yours. You didn't do anything to her on purpose, you explained, you apologized, you offered to discuss it further. She wanted to act like a spoiled brat as always. If she wants to end up a bitter, lonely person, let her; she's not your problem. I know you've always felt like you have to take care of her but you don't. You don't owe her a damn thing. Let her have her pettiness, let her run off everyone who loves her. Maybe that's the only thing that will wake her up one day. I don't know why she is the way she is…it's just the way she was born. I'm proud of the successes of all my children. Was I a little extra proud of your law degree? Yes; I was. It's a high accomplishment, one that isn't easy to come by for a lot of people. You're a smart girl, you worked hard, you earned it and I was proud; I'm still proud. If Colleen wants to be jealous over something that happened decades ago, again, that's her problem. I was proud of her for finishing school and sticking with her career, especially since her attention sometimes wavers; but if she wanted to be something more, she could've been if she had given the effort. I had to convince her to go to college in the first place; that should've been proof that I cared. Don't take her issues onto your shoulders. She'll either come around or she won't and either way you have to make your peace with that. You have your brother, he'll be here for you, he loves you."
"I know; I'm glad to have him."
"And as for Katie; you're her mother and you love her; but that doesn't mean you have to abide by her rules. Just keep pushing back…you've already started…keep doing it. Remind her what you're made of…that you have some rules of your own. You were never afraid to have a backbone with me so don't be afraid to have one with her."
"I'm trying, Dad."
"I know you are…I just don't want you to give up."
"I won't."
"People that can't accept you for what you had to do don't deserve you, Johanna. You spend a lot of time worrying about the people who've turned their backs and they're not worthy of your attention…and that goes for Sharon too."
"Sharon?" she exclaimed.
"Don't act surprised," Frank replied. "I know how badly you want to resume your friendship with Sharon and yet she's left you hanging…promising to call but she never does and you keep on waiting."
"You think I should give up on her?" Johanna asked softly.
"Either that or make an effort, see what happens…then you'll know for sure where you stand."
"Maybe I'm afraid of the confirmation…because I think I already know. Her silence says it all."
Frank regarded her with a look that bordered on sympathetic; an unusual sight on his face, but it was there none the less. "It's her loss. I know it hurts you, but you'll be fine; you'll find the kind of friend you need."
"You sound like you know that for sure."
"Maybe I do," Frank replied. "You'll just have to trust me…you did always trust me at least; didn't you?"
Johanna nodded without hesitation. "Yes; I always trusted you…and I always felt safe with you."
"Good," he said sincerely. "I'm glad I at least made you feel safe; because I would've given my life for you, Johanna; I would've never hesitated. I would've given it for all three of my children and your mother too of course."
"I know, Dad. I know you would've done anything to protect us."
"That's right; and Jim will do anything to protect you and Katie."
She gave a small smile. "I know; I feel safe with Jim too…I guess it's the one way he's like you; he's always made me feel safe."
"He's a good man…you chose wisely. He loves you; you don't have to worry so much about things between the two of you; like I said earlier, you two get through things. He's not going to leave you. Everything's going to alright…you're going to be alright. Don't worry so much, it's going to be fine."
The tears filled her eyes once more. "Why do I feel better about hearing that from you? Jim tells me all the time…my other visitors have told me too…but when you tell me, I believe it like it's the absolute truth and I don't know why."
Frank met her eye and held her gaze. "Because you know I don't say things to appease you. You know that when I tell you something important that I mean it."
"I'll still worry though; even though I believe things when Jim says it…even with you saying it…I'll still worry."
"I know; you worry far too much and you need to stop. You worry about what every person in the world thinks of you and you don't need to. You worry about everyone else's feelings, everyone else's pain…while neglecting your own. Like with Sharon; you won't make an effort because you think you deserve it if she's trying to punish you…but you know, this isn't the first time she's turned her back on you. Don't you remember when she dropped you as maid of honor a few weeks before her wedding?"
"Yes; but we got past that; just like Colleen and I did."
"And both of them have turned their back on you," Frank stated firmly. "Find out where you stand with Sharon and let it go if that's what she wants. Just like with your sister, let her go."
"Everyone keeps telling me to let everyone go…like I'm discarding used tissues and it's not that easy. I had to go thirteen years ago, but I clung to my family and friends in my memories…I couldn't let them go. I came home…."
"And thought you could make everything the same again," Frank interrupted. "But you can't. You can't make people understand, you can't make people listen or accept you. You can't define yourself by their rejection. You have your husband, you have your daughter and you have your brother…others will come, some won't, but it's not going to change you. You're the same person you've always been at the core. You're just now getting your feet on solid ground; it's going to take time for you to break free and heal but you can help yourself by learning how to accept things you can't change and how to let go of them instead of dwelling on them. You and Jim and Katie know the truth, that's all that matters. You don't owe anyone else anything. I'm sure your grandmother taught you some colorful phrases in Italian, use them once in awhile. Hell, say it in English. You're a lady like we raised you to be, but that doesn't mean a lady can't get pissed off once in awhile and let everyone know it. You have a backbone, use it. You have an attitude, use it when needed."
"With the media?" Johanna asked.
Frank eyed her sternly. "With anyone who needs it; don't back down. Don't lower your head. Don't feel ashamed. Don't hide yourself. Your mother always said you had enough fire in you to blaze for days on end, so you do it…you go out there and you blaze, and you burn those sons of bitches and show them that you're in control of your life and they won't keep you from doing whatever you damn well please."
"I'm working on it…I'm trying to do better."
"I know you are," her father said. "I just don't ever want you to forget who you are or where you came from or what you're made of. Something bad happened to you, it hurt you, it brought you to your knees for a long time, but it's time to get back up and start fighting back…and you don't always have to use words to fight; actions work just as well. If you show the world you don't care what they think, that they can't make you hide or change yourself and your ways, they'll leave you alone."
"I wish they would leave me alone," she said softly. "It's a strain on all of us."
He nodded. "Eventually you're going to have to fight back in some way, Johanna."
"I know…I just dread it."
"You're going to be fine," he assured. "I wouldn't lie to you about that."
"I just hate this so much," she told him. "I hate people prying into my business; I hate that people I want to listen, won't listen; and that I always feel like I'm wobbling with the Katie and how I get so afraid that I'll do something to make Jim change his mind. It's a heavy load to carry."
"Then lighten it," Frank replied. "Jim isn't going to change his mind, stop worrying about. You know the two of you are strong despite any obstacles that come your way. With Katie, I told you what to do, so has your mother. Give her some tough love and a little bit of an attitude adjustment. Let your sister be bitter with the Westons; she's not your problem and you don't need to waste tears or worry on her. Strangers who want to judge you, tell them to go to hell. They don't know you and your story; they haven't walked in your shoes and endured what you did so they need to keep their damn mouth shut. Don't give them the power to weigh you down. Find ways to make it easier on you; start worrying about what you need a little more instead of everyone else. You can't fix everything on your own; they have to do some fixing of their own."
"I'm trying."
"Try harder; you're better than this…and no, that's not an insult. I know you're doing your best, you're moving slowly, being cautious…but you can try a little harder…not for them, but for you. It might make you feel selfish in some ways, but you need to think about yourself a little more. I believe the word your mother used was 'balance'; you can find balance, you just have to look for it."
"I'll find it," Johanna stated. "A little at a time."
He gave a nod. "Remember that."
Silence fell between them for a few moments as she considered broaching the question she was sure she had asked earlier but hadn't received and answer for. "Dad; why did you come?" Johanna asked softly. "Was there a certain reason?"
Frank studied her for a moment. "You thought the only reason I'd come was if it was to lecture you about something, don't you?"
She gave a hesitant nod. "It seems like everyone so far has had something specific in mind about the current state of affairs."
"We spoke of that," he replied. "But I didn't see any reason to dwell on it; it's been mentioned and I'm pretty sure you know what you need to do as you ease through each step of this process. You're a smart girl, you know what you're doing…you might stumble sometimes but you get back up and this business you're going through won't be any different. I wanted to see you mainly so we could clear up some things from the past…toward the end, I didn't give you what you needed to have the right kind of closure and I should've talked to you about those things. I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry…that I'm still with you, looking after you…that I love you; I always have, from the moment your mother told me she was pregnant. I never stopped loving you…I know I made you doubt it…I know you've accused me of hating you and I understand why you thought that, but I love you, Johanna. I'm not lying to you when I tell you that; it's the truth, I swear to you it is."
Tears slipped down her cheeks and she wiped them away as she took a shuddering breath. "There have been times when I said I hated you," she said quietly; her tone wobbling with emotion.
"I know," Frank replied; an odd look of understanding in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I didn't mean it…I never really hated you…I wanted to, sometimes I wished I could, because I wanted you to love me and it felt like you didn't and I didn't want to love someone who couldn't love me in return."
Frank nodded. "It's alright, Josie; I've always understood when anger would make you feel that way. I wouldn't blame you if did hate me."
"But I don't," she sniffled. "I do love you, Dad. I always did."
Her father rose from the chair and crossed the room to join her on the sofa; his arms reaching for her and enfolding her in a tight embrace. "I know," he told her.
She knew from previous experience that his hug wouldn't feel like she remembered but she sank into the embrace just the same, a sob breaking free as she tried to hold on tightly to the spirit; her mind wondering once again how it could be that she was allowed to touch, but she recalled Sarah's words "ours is not to question why" and allowed the thought to pass in favor of savoring, of breathing in the scents she remembered from childhood as his hand brushed over her head.
"You're a brave girl," Frank murmured. "You're every inch a McKenzie…you make me proud."
"You're leaving now, aren't you?" she cried as she tried unsuccessfully to tighten her grip.
"My time is almost up," he confirmed as he hugged her a little tighter, trying to make up for all the times he hadn't when he should have. "I want you to do something for me…for both of us."
"What?" she asked tearfully.
"I want you to remember the good times more than the bad. We have good memories, Johanna; I want you to think about them and remember them and hold on to them. I want you to do that and I want you to believe and know that everything I told you today is the truth. I want to know that we've truly made our peace…so if there's still something you need to say or ask, please do it now."
Johanna shook her head. "I think I mentioned the things I've wondered about or wanted to say…but will you give me a sign sometimes that you're around?"
"I will," he promised. "Will you try to remember the good times more?"
"I remember once when I was a little girl," she said softly; "I was afraid…I don't remember why, but you held me and told me you wouldn't let anything hurt me…you held me until I fell asleep."
"It was a thunderstorm," Frank replied. "Your mother was in Brooklyn, taking care of your grandmother because she'd had surgery. Frankie heard you crying and came and got me. You wanted your mother but I managed to convince you that I could take care of you."
"It's a good memory, isn't it?"
"Yes; that's a good start," her father said as he gently pushed her back, his hands remaining on her arms. "You keep thinking of those good ones…more will come back once you start to think of them. I have to go now, Josie."
"I don't want you to go," Johanna cried.
Frank gave her a small smile and brushed his thumb against her cheek, wiping away a tear. "I know; I'm sorry we didn't have times like this when it could've happened more frequently; but I'm with you and I love you."
"I love you too…will you hug Mama for me?"
"I will," he promised before leaning forward and pressing a kiss against her forehead, making her cry even more as she remembered that all too rare gesture he'd bestow upon her. "You remember, you're a McKenzie…you don't ever lower your head."
"I remember."
"I've got to go now," he said as he rose from the sofa. "Are we okay?"
Johanna nodded. 'We're okay, Dad; I meant it when I said I forgave you."
"Thank you," he murmured.
She managed a wobbly smile for him before he faded away and then she allowed the soul wracking sobs to break free…finally allowing herself a chance to mourn him in a way she never had before.
When Jim walked through the back door late that afternoon, he didn't find his wife in the kitchen as expected. He walked through the house and found her sitting on the floor in the living room, her gaze fixated on the TV screen where their wedding and reception video was playing. The soft sounds of Elvis Presley's 'Memories' sounded from the television; the scene on the screen was of her dance with her father. Jim moved quietly to her side and sat down next to her, startling her a little as she hadn't registered his presence. "How long have you been here?" Johanna murmured.
"Just a minute or two," he replied as he put an arm around her. "What made you dig out this tape and the VCR?"
"I was thinking about it…about my father," she answered.
"What brought that on?"
She shrugged a little as she settled against his side. "I guess I'm just trying to remember better moments with him."
He had a feeling it was more than that but he nodded and allowed it to pass without comment as he gave her shoulder a squeeze. He glanced at the screen, holding her a little tighter without thought as he watched the scene. If you didn't know them, in that moment of time, captured on the film, Frank and Johanna looked like the millions of other fathers and daughters in the world. They looked close. For the span of a song, Frank McKenzie looked like a father who wasn't ready to let his little girl go…and when Johanna had asked for the song to play one more time, he had had a feeling that there was a part of her that needed just a few more minutes to feel like daddy's girl…but he had never asked her to confirm that thought. He hadn't mentioned it at all back then or at any time over the course of their marriage…and maybe the moment had come, but he wasn't quite sure if he should ask or not, so he went with the next question that had always plagued him.
"I wonder why Frank picked that song?" he asked, his tone quiet in hopes of only causing a mild disturbance to the memory she was reliving.
"It was playing on the radio while I was getting ready for the prom."
"What?" he asked; his gaze shifting away from the screen to focus on her, noting the sheen of tears glistening in her eyes.
"He told me he picked that song because every time he heard it, he remembered me getting ready for the prom…because it was playing on the radio while I was walking around the house with my hair in curlers, trying to break in my heels and waving my hands around trying to get my nail polish to dry faster. He said it was then that it hit him full force that I'd be graduating from high school within a few weeks…that I was all grown up and all he could think about was of when I was a little girl."
A surprisingly sentimental sentiment from Frank, Jim thought to himself. He hadn't realized that his father-in-law held on to memories like that. "I didn't know that he had ever told the reason."
"He told me," she murmured; neglecting to mention that it was his ghost that had imparted the information. She didn't want to get into that at the moment.
His thumb rubbed against her shoulder soothingly. "I never asked you why you had them play it twice."
"I wasn't ready to let the moment go," Johanna admitted for the second time that day. "Everything felt different for the span of the song…I just needed it to last a few more minutes."
"I can understand that," he replied. "It was a good moment for the two of you."
"Sometimes the good memories are hard to remember," she said softly.
"I know...there were a lot of bad times between you and Frank…and it still isn't your fault."
"I know; I just wish it was easier to think about the good memories than the bad."
"I guess you just have to push away the instinct for the bad ones and dig a little deeper for the good ones," Jim remarked. "It would probably make you feel a little better if you did remember the good ones more."
"I'm sure it would," she agreed. "I know our good memories make me feel better than thinking about the bad ones from the last several years."
"That's why I'm always sure to remind you of them," he said warmly as he pressed a kiss against her head. "Our wedding is a pretty good memory though so it looks like you're killing two birds with one stone. You looked so beautiful…you still do of course…but extra beautiful that day…am I digging myself a hole?" he asked. "Because if I am, make me stop because it's not what I intended."
"No," Johanna said with a soft laugh. "I get what you're saying; you thought I was a beautiful bride."
"The most beautiful bride there ever was," he declared. "And you're still my beautiful bride."
She smiled. "And you're still my handsome groom."
Jim grinned at her. "We're just too damn good looking for our own good."
She laughed; the melancholy feeling that had been lingering after Frank's departure dissipating as she captured her husband's lips in a kiss. "You always make me laugh," she said warmly. "No matter what you always find a way."
"I do my best," he told her. "I'm glad I haven't lost my touch."
Johanna shook her head. "You haven't lost your touch in any way."
"Good; I don't want you trading me in."
"That will never happen."
Jim hugged her to him. "Is there any specific reason why Frank's on your mind today? You're not thinking about things you shouldn't be, are you?"
"No," she murmured. "I guess it's the time of year or going through Sarah's diaries and trying to learn her family history…it just makes me think about him. I miss him…it probably seems strange for me to say that."
"No, it's not strange. I know you miss him, sweetheart; it's not a secret…just like I know you love him despite it all."
"I do," she softly admitted. "I do love him."
"There's nothing wrong with that, you know? Good or bad or in between, he was still your Dad and you loved him…it always showed, Johanna. I know you thought it didn't but it did…and I know somewhere inside, despite his faults and his moments of being a complete jackass to you, he loved you too."
"I know," Johanna said, her eyes returning to the screen, watching as the dance came to an end, her father hugging her tightly before kissing her cheek and leading her back to her new husband.
"We need to get this tape transferred to DVD," Jim stated.
"I know but I worry about it getting lost or damaged."
"We have your mother's copy, sweetheart; I found it in the box with her photo albums when you asked me to dig them out for you when you were at Katie's. I put it in the safe so it wouldn't get misplaced again. We could always use that tape to get the transfer done; Jeff's brother does that stuff as a side job; I'm sure we could trust him with the copy."
"I forgot about having Mom's copy," she replied. "We should use that copy and have it done…we'll get it back, right?"
"Yes; he'll give it back along with the disc."
She snuggled against him. "Then see when it can be done."
"You got it…but how about after dinner we replay this from the beginning so I can watch it with you?" he asked. "Do you mind a repeat?"
"No; I don't mind…good memories are never a bad thing to repeat."
"I agree," Jim replied as his phone began to play music. "There's your little ghost friend," he said as he fished his phone from his pocket. "I thought maybe she abandoned me today."
"Oh, she wouldn't do that."
"I still think it's Sarah…you ready to make any confessions…it's okay you know, your attorney is present."
Johanna smirked at him. "I think I'm going to stick to pleading the fifth."
"Which we all know is a sign of guilt."
"If that's what you want to believe," she replied as she stopped the tape and got up from the floor so she could go get dinner started.
"We're not done talking about this ghost we have roaming around," Jim called after her. "I'm going to get it out of you one day."
"I guess we'll see about that," she replied; wondering if she'd ever really have the nerve to tell him the whole story.