A/N: Thanks for your reviews!

Chapter 11- Goodbye

"Listen little child, there will come a day when you be able to say never mind the pain or the aggravation, you know there's a better way for you and me to be"- Spice Girls

The next morning, Johanna sat in the office absentmindedly browsing the internet as she waited for Sarah to appear. She didn't call out to her as she usually did the morning after having a visitor. Today she hesitated. She had a feeling that her father's visit probably signaled the end of her visitations and she wasn't sure if she should be relieved or disappointed…after all, she would miss Sarah's habit of popping in when it suited her. She felt like she was just starting to get to know her and she'd be leaving…and she felt like she'd be left with a small hole in heart and a sense of mourning.

Johanna gave a shake of her head; maybe she was losing her mind if chats with a ghost were one of the highlights of her day. Really, what did it say about her sanity?

"Honestly, darling; how many times do I have to tell you that you're perfectly sane?" Sarah asked as she appeared in front of the desk.

Johanna glanced up and smiled. "Can you blame me for wondering?"

"Yes," her grandmother said with a nod as she took a seat on the piano bench that Johanna had already pulled over for her in anticipation of her arrival. "It's only the sane who question their sanity. Think about it; have you ever heard a truly insane person wondering if they were crazy?"

"No; but I'm not sure I've met any truly insane people…my mother-in-law fell more in the class of manipulator and had the skill to be a criminal mastermind."

"Lucky you," Sarah quipped. "I know an insane person…my mother-in-law…or as I like to call her, the Dragon."

"Is that all you called her?" Johanna asked in amusement.

"No; but Dragon was always one of my favorites; I even made up a story for the children about a fire breathing dragon…whose name might have been similar to Amelia's…Patrick wasn't amused but the children enjoyed the story."

"I'm sure they did," she said with a soft laugh before her gaze turned serious. "I guess you're probably here to talk about Dad though."

Sarah smiled knowingly. "Ah; you want to get right into the business?"

She shrugged. "We don't have to…it's not always my favorite topic."

"Yes, I know," her grandmother replied. "But you're right, part of my visit today is to talk about your father. He came to see you yesterday."

Johanna gave a nod. "He did."

"It was a little bit of a bumpy start," Sarah remarked.

"Yeah…you could say so; he's still got that knack for wounding."

Sarah's head bobbed slightly in acknowledgment. "I saw…I wasn't pleased to see him fall into those old habits."

Johanna's foot tapped against the floor. "I expected it…but it still packs a sting."

"He did apologize though."

She nodded. "Yeah, he did…it was a rare moment."

Sarah studied her for a long moment. "Did it help to see him?"

"Help in what way?"

"Do you feel any better about your father?"

"That's a difficult question to answer," Johanna remarked. "On one hand I feel like I'm having some kind of odd second mourning now…and on another hand, I'm glad to know that he cared more about me than I thought and even though I forgive him, there's still this little part of me that's angry when I think of how it could've been if he had just allowed it."

She could see the spirit choosing her words carefully but she stayed silent, waiting for whatever it was that her grandmother had to say.

"I'm afraid you're always going to have that part of you, darling," Sarah murmured softly. "Nothing can take it away completely; but I'm hoping that it helped in some way…helped to ease the pain."

"I suppose it has," Johanna said softly. "But like I said, it's also brought about some kind of second mourning and I don't know how to feel about that at the moment."

"You should accept it and let yourself feel it," her grandmother instructed gently. "I know Frank isn't an easy subject for you; I know your feelings are complicated, and rightfully so; but I think you'll feel better if you allow yourself to work through it now. I know you've never felt like you properly mourned him."

Tears stung her eyes. "It took me six weeks to cry, Sarah," she whispered. "Six weeks…I felt like Frankie was right, I was a heartless bitch."

Sarah shook her head. "No, darling; you were just numb; you knew it was coming and you steeled yourself…you didn't want to feel it, so you didn't, not until something broke through. You thought he denied you what he had given everyone else, a letter speaking of his thoughts and feelings…it felt like a final slap, behavior you were used to from him and that's what cracked you open. You allowed yourself one night of tears and then you boxed those feelings up and shoved them into the deepest corner of your soul while you deposited the check he left you into Katie's college fund. You weren't finished grieving, Johanna. When Katie found your letter, a little more of it cracked open…and now more has come…you need to let it; it might help you make your peace with him."

"I feel like I have made my peace; I told him I forgave him…I told him that I love him."

Sarah nodded. "I know; and he was glad to hear it."

"I told him I'd try to remember the good memories more often than the bad ones."

"That's definitely something you should do."

"I watched the video of my wedding last night," Johanna remarked.

Her grandmother smiled. "You were such a beautiful bride; when your father saw you for the first time when you stepped out of the bride's room at the church, he had to look away because he had tears in his eyes."

Johanna glanced at her, a small amount of skepticism in her eyes.

"I was there," Sarah stated. "I saw what you didn't, darling. It was an emotional moment for him. You have good memories in that brain of yours, you just need to dig for them a little…like that memory you were telling Jim about not so long ago; when you went to a business dinner with your father and he took you to the theater afterwards and bought you a flower…that's a good memory, isn't it?"

She smiled. "Yeah; it is…we didn't have a lot of one-on-one time like that; but it was nice that night."

Sarah returned her smile. "And what about when he came to see you the day you had Katie; he came in the early afternoon when he was supposed to be at work."

"That's a good memory too," Johanna replied. "I still have that little teddy bear he brought Katie. He almost throttled a nurse for delaying her bottle," she said with a laugh. "And I was glad for it; my hormones were all over the map and the more Katie cried the more upset I got. I was glad he was there…he took care of the problem."

"Like fathers do," Sarah said warmly.

"Yeah…and when we were in that car accident; he came and got me and Katie; he bought her a happy meal and took us home, called the insurance and took control of everything until Jim got home."

"He showed you in little ways how much he cared," her grandmother remarked. "I don't want you to think I'm browbeating you or discounting what you've gone through with him, I don't; and as you know, I blame myself for the way things were between you and Frank…but I want you to know that you were and still are loved by your father. I want you to remember the little things like those moments when he was there, making you feel safe, taking care of things when you couldn't in that moment. You do need to hold on to the good moments; let them heal you. It won't be so hard to remember him or think of him if you even things out and remember those good moments."

Johanna gave a nod. "I'm going to try…I want to remember the good times. I have enough bad memories…memories that make the bad ones with Dad seem relatively nice."

"I know…and you need to remember that it's time to start letting go of some of those feelings as well. You can't allow them to rule you, Johanna. You can't allow them to keep you suffocated and fearful."

"I'm trying," she stated; a touch of defensiveness in her tone.

Sarah smiled softly. "Don't get upset…you don't seem like yourself this morning, kitten; what's wrong?"

"You don't really seem like yourself either," Johanna commented; deflecting the question away from herself.

"I suppose I'm not quite myself today," her grandmother replied. "But why don't you tell me what's on your mind?"

"Don't you already know? You're the one with that mind reading ability."

"I told you; I don't use it all the time…now talk to me; tell me what's going on in that mind of yours."

Johanna swallowed hard. "It's just that I have this feeling that this is your last visit."

Her grandmother smiled sadly. "I'm afraid you're right about that."

The tears came without warning, spilling down her cheeks before she could even think of stopping them. "I feel like we were just starting to get to know each other better…it isn't fair, you come here and I get attached to you and now you're going to leave…and I'll be left to mourn you too."

Sarah shook her head. "I don't want you to mourn me. I'm with you all the time, darling; you know that…and I'll let you know that I'm around; just like I've been doing when you don't see me. I'll be here, don't you worry. If you talk to me, I'll listen as always."

"But you won't answer," Johanna murmured; the tears still falling.

"Don't be so sure of that," her grandmother replied. "It may not always be like this, but if there's an answer I need to give you, I'll find a way. And I'll give you signs, remember, the cardinal in winter and the mockingbird in the summer."

"I know, but it's not the same…can't you come once in awhile; you mentioned that maybe you could."

"Christmas," Sarah stated. "I'll come at Christmas time…and no, it won't be like Mr. Dickens's Christmas Carol."

"You promise you'll come?"

"Yes, darling; I'll come around during the holiday…maybe sometime in the summer too. But I'm still going to be here, even if you can't see me. I'm watching over you and listening when you need to talk. I don't want you to forget the things you've learned from your visits; I want you to keep moving forward, keep fighting…be my brave, sassy girl. You can do this; I know you can; you've already overcame so much; you can make it."

Johanna swiped at the tears on her cheeks. "I'm going to miss you…this."

Her grandmother nodded, sadness sweeping across her delicate features. "Me too; I've enjoyed our time together like this…it was nice to feel like a real grandmother."

"You are a real grandmother; you're my grandmother."

The spirit's green eyes glittered with emotion. "I love you so much, kitten; don't ever doubt that or forget it."

"I won't…I love you too, Grandma."

Sarah's smile wobbled. "It's not easy for me either, you know."

"But you probably knew it would be that way going in, didn't you?"

"Yes," she murmured.

"And you came anyway?"

Sarah gave a nod. "You're worth it…you're worth far more than you seem to think. It's painful for us to separate now, but I'm so grateful to have had this time with you."

"I am too," Johanna said softly. "I don't want it to end."

"I know…but I'll be back. I'll see you in your dreams, and I'll be back for those visits I promised. I wouldn't lie to you."

"I can't help but be sad; even though you don't want me to mourn."

"I'm sad too," Sarah admitted. "But I have to go back…we both knew it had to be that way."

"It doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye."

The spirit shook her head. "No; it's not goodbye; I refuse to hear that word. It's just 'until next time'…because I'll be back. I can't stay away now…it won't be as often, but I'll be back, I promise."

Johanna sniffled. "I'm going to hold you it."

Sarah rose from the piano bench and rounded the desk, perching on its edge so that she could be closer to her granddaughter. "Good; I want you to. I've made a promise to you, and now I want you to promise me something."

"What?"

"Promise me that you'll remember to find joy, to break free and have fun. Promise me that you won't let Katie walk on you all the time; that you'll talk to Jim like you always have about hard things, even when it makes you nervous. Promise me, you won't lower your head and hide from the world just because of people with cameras and nasty, evil men who lie. Promise you'll keep pushing forward; finding those little pieces of yourself that still need to be put back together. Don't lock yourself away…be free, be you…and if it makes someone angry, if it steps on a few toes at first, it's okay, because they need to let go too. Remember that you are loved, that you matter just as much as Katie and Jim. Remember to think of yourself sometimes; don't forget the things your visitors told you. Keep taking those steps forward; you're going to be just fine…it might get hard, but you're strong, and we're all behind you."

"Can I promise to try?" Johanna asked. "Because I might have a few lapses…you know how I am."

Sarah gave a soft laugh. "Yes; I know how you are…and yes, you can promise to try; but try hard."

"I promise."

"Is there anything we need to talk about?" Sarah asked.

Johanna took a deep breath and exhaled. "I don't think we could ever talk enough, Sarah. I'm always going to think of things we could discuss, even if it's just so I can be selfish and keep you here."

Her grandmother grinned. "Maybe your grandfather's right; maybe you do get a bit of that devious side of your mind from me."

She laughed. "I have a feeling that I probably do get it from you…and Mom."

"Two of the finest people you could inherit from," Sarah quipped.

"Absolutely," Johanna agreed. "I wish I could've seen you and Mom together…I think you two would've gotten along so well."

"We do get along well; but I know what you mean; you wished you could've seen us together when you were growing up."

"Yeah…I wish for a lot of things sometimes."

"We all do," Sarah assured. "But trust me, darling; you're going to be just fine; and one day, you're going to look back at this and realize that you made it and that no one kept you down."

"I don't know if I could say that no one kept me down…because sometimes it feels like I'm being held down," she murmured.

"I know…that was part of the purpose of these visits; to help you realize you can cut yourself free from that feeling," her grandmother remarked.

"I dreaded these visits when you told me about them…and now I'm grateful I've gotten to talk to the people who came, no matter the reason. It's been a strange experience, but not a bad one, not like I feared," Johanna admitted.

"Are you going to tell Jim about our visits?" Sarah asked.

"I don't know. I keep going back and forth on it. I guess despite what he says and his own experience with you, thanks to your popping into his dreams; I'm still afraid he'll think I'm crazy."

"He won't," Sarah assured. "He'll understand and he'll believe."

Johanna breathed deeply and exhaled the breath slowly as she contemplated it once more. "I might tell him."

"It's up to you, dear; there's no pressure…but he knows something is going on."

"I know…there isn't much that I can keep from him; although I'm sure he'd beg to differ given the last thirteen years."

The spirit studied her for a long moment. "I thought you were going to start letting that go?"

"How can I when it's always there?" she asked.

"It's there because you keep holding on to it."

"It's not all me, Sarah," she reminded her. "It's the world at large."

"I know but if you let go, the outside noise won't matter so much. What happened doesn't define you, Johanna."

She scoffed a little. "Yeah; it kind of does."

"It doesn't," her grandmother said firmly. "At least not if you don't allow it. Bad things happen, you have to do things you don't like, sometimes the choice you make hurts someone, but it has to be done anyway because it's the right thing to do and you have no choice. You don't have to feel the guilt every day; you don't have to feel shame and self-loathing every day of your life. You can choose to say "I did what I had to do, it was justified and I'm making amends, it won't rule me any longer"."

"It would be easier if it didn't hurt so much," Johanna murmured. "Will it ever stop hurting? Will it ever stop dogging my heels?"

Sarah gave a nod. "It'll take time but one day it'll be a mild ache that doesn't bother you enough to give it much attention. It'll stop weighing you down when you break free and live life to the fullest. You keep looking for someone else to set you free, Johanna; but only you have that power. You've done it before…first when you got on that plane and you left Wyoming and came home to New York. You didn't get the reception you were hoping for but you stayed, you kept fighting, you found your way. Then you broke free again, you helped find the man responsible for your troubles…you took it upon yourself to draw him out and take him down…and it led to you leaving Katie's home and coming back to your own. You allowed Jim to help you crawl into a protective bubble so you could hide quietly…but you broke free and went out and bought a car that he said you couldn't have. You got scared by the media, crawled back in that hole…and then you crawled back out and got in your car and regained some independence again. You know how to break the cages open that contain you…you have it in you to break a few more, so do it, darling. Break free, you're at the time of your life where you have enough money in the bank that you don't have to work, your child is raised and you and your husband are still vital and active…go have adventures, be spontaneous, have fun, do everything you always wanted to do when you got to this point. You had dreams and plans for this time of your life…you've made it home and you and Jim are happy together, they're obtainable."

"I can't go anywhere too adventurous," Johanna stated. "I have to wait until June before I'd be able to apply for a passport; any issues with my identity should be straightened out by then."

"You don't need to leave the country; you and Jim have had plenty of adventures in this country and you can find more. Stop worrying about what people think or feel; it's not your issue; it's theirs. You've done all you can; and as your visitors have pointed out, now you're at the time where you can step back and leave it in their hands to make the next move. I know it's not easy to relinquish that control or the idea, but kitten, you have to. You have what truly matters, your husband, your daughter, your brother, nephews, nieces, and as your father mentioned; the friend you need will find you before too long, don't you worry about that. Relax, breathe, don't lose yourself as you try to heal everyone else. You need healing too…maybe more than anyone. You're a caregiver by nature, just like your mother, but you can't forget yourself. You're just as important…we've all told you that and I hope you believe it."

"I'm trying to," she replied. "But I suppose it's hard to think that when the most important people to me are Jim and Katie."

"I understand that," Sarah said softly. "But you're important to them; and if you're important to them, then you should be important to yourself because you make them happy, because they want you to feel better. I know it's rocky with Katie; the road between mothers and daughters isn't always easy, but you can navigate the bumps; you know how. You know that you need to let her go, let her miss you a little so she'll come back on her own. She has to let go of her issues; Jim has to let go of his and you have to let go of yours. None of you will find the healing you need until you do. I'm not going to sugar coat things; things could get hard in the months to come with this trial and the media and all of that…there might be tension; but I don't want you to be afraid. Everything will be fine, you'll get through it, you'll find your way…but you need to find that moment to break free too. It has to be wearying to carry so much all the time."

"It is," Johanna admitted.

Sarah gave her a sympathetic smile. "Then start lightening the load, darling. Don't allow Katie to shove her issues onto your shoulders; a lot of them are of her own making, not yours. Don't let Jim's fears keep you caged and suffocated; you won't help him that way. Be the woman he's always known you to be and do what it is that you want. He might get angry but he'll survive and he'll get over it as always."

"It's just hard," she whispered. "I knew it wouldn't be easy…I just never expected it to be this hard either."

The spirit nodded. "I know…but our best victories are the ones that were the hardest to achieve…and I'd say you already achieved a lot and there's more to come. It's going to be okay. Trust me."

"I have to trust you," Johanna said with a wobbly smile. "You're my grandmother…I'm pretty sure there's a law against not trusting your grandmother."

Sarah laughed merrily. "If there's not a law about that, there should be!"

"I'll write my congress person…once they appoint a new one," she quipped.

Sarah gave her a wink. "You do that."

It grew quiet between them, a feeling of impending loss wrapping around Johanna. "I really am going to miss you."

"You don't have to miss me; I'm always around, you know that."

"But not like this."

"I know…but I already promised that I'd be back."

"That doesn't mean I can't be sad to see you go…even if it's just for now."

"You're right; I can't lecture you about being entitled to your feelings and then tell you that you shouldn't feel sadness about something," her grandmother replied.

"That's right; you have to practice what you preach," Johanna quipped.

Sarah arched a brow at her, amusement on her face. "Now, now, kitten; let's not forget that I'm your elder."

"It's hard to keep that in mind when you don't look like a grandmother."

"Well, my dear; you don't look like you're sixty-one; you still look like you could easily pass for being in your forties…but I know your age."

"I know yours too," Johanna remarked. "I'm just nice enough not to mention it, because it's up there, you know."

The spirit glared at her but it lacked bite. "Yes, I know; it's crossed the hundred threshold."

"It not only crossed it, it crawled down the hallway to 100 and…"

"Don't say it!" Sarah exclaimed. "Just don't even say it. I'm an old woman and I know it…and you better start letting go of things and enjoying yourself before you get to be an old woman. Remember, you're still young enough to have fun and find joy. Don't squander it hiding from the world."

"I won't…but you already gave me that lecture; you just don't want to talk about your age; but hey, you look good for 117."

Sarah gasped. "You said it! You little brat!"

Johanna laughed. "Well you practically dared me to say it."

The spirit gave her a glare and with a flick of her wrist, whipped up a gust of wind that knocked a line of books from the shelf of the bookcase.

"Pick those up!" Johanna demanded.

"No."

"Pick them up, Sarah."

"No, I'm not," she replied haughtily. "You will pick them up and that will teach you to sass your grandmother."

"Hey, you said my age first."

"Yes, but yours is a much younger number; and like I pointed out, you're still in a position to live life to the fullest; you've got your health, your looks, a husband and money in the bank to do with what you please."

"I've gotten the message, Sarah."

"Good; I do hate to browbeat you."

"You have a funny way of showing it."

Another row of books toppled from the shelf. "Still sassing me, kitten?"

Johanna smiled at her. "You wouldn't want me any other way."

Sarah grinned. "I suppose that's true…but start sassing some other people as well; they need it more than I do; I'm on your side."

"I know," she murmured. "It was done with affection."

"I know, dear."

Johanna sighed, knowing their visit was probably drawing to an end. "Are you going to pick up those books?"

"No; it'll give you something else to do when our visit is over."

"Uh huh, any excuse will do."

Sarah smirked at her but her gaze was warm and loving. "You and I are birds of a feather, darling."

"That's what Bridget always says…she says she and I are birds of a feather."

"It's true…and you see, we're never really separated when you also have Bridget in your life; she's a part of me, just like I'm a part of you."

Johanna felt her throat growing tight, the tears stinging her eyes once more. "You're leaving now, aren't you?"

Her grandmother gave a slight nod. "I should probably go before it gets any harder for both of us."

She couldn't suppress the whimper that escaped her lips. "I hate this part," she murmured.

"Me too," Sarah replied. "But even when you don't see me, I'm here. Even if you don't feel physical evidence of me surrounding you, I'm there in your heart. I'm never far away…and if you talk, I'll listen like always. I'll be back once in awhile. Remember what everyone has told you; keep those talks close to your heart, and most of all, Johanna Elizabeth McKenzie Beckett; remember that you are loved; not only by those on this earthly plane with you but also by those of us who have had to move on. You are loved…so very loved, always."

The tears trickled down her cheeks. "I love you too…all of you."

The spirit gave her a wobbly smile and rose from her perch, her arms held open. "Give me a hug, darling; I need one more. I know you still don't understand how it's possible to feel it or allow it, but remember, ours is not to question why."

"I remember," Johanna whispered as she rose from her chair and moved into the spirit's embrace, holding on as tightly as she could, breathing in the soft scent of Chanel No. 5 that filled the air around them. 'You promise you'll let me know you're here?"

"I promise," Sarah murmured, giving her one last tight squeeze before pulling back and pressing a feather light kiss to her forehead before bumping her chin with a pale knuckle. "As your grandfather always says, keep your chin up, lass."

"I'll do my best for you…for all of you; I won't disappoint you."

"Do your best for you," the spirit replied. "You've never disappointed us; you don't have to worry about that. I better be going now…but don't say that word."

"What word?"

"The 'g' word…I've never been fond of that word; I never saw anything good about saying bye, so why say goodbye? I'd rather say, until next time…it's more hopeful, is it not?"

"It is," Johanna agreed; swiping away a few tears as her smile wobbled.

A soft smile slid across Sarah's lips. "Until next time, darling."

"Until next time, Grandma," she said softly.

Her grandmother gave her one last encouraging smile and then she faded from view, leaving Johanna alone in the office once more. She remained standing at her desk, feeling the emptiness that suddenly filled the room and her gaze flicked to the pile of books Sarah had left on the floor. The ache of loss filled her…how could Sarah expect her not to mourn her now that she knew her? The tears came rapidly, a soft sob wracking her frame.

The sound of an angry bird outside caught her attention and she turned to the window to see a cardinal sitting outside on the bush beneath the window, its feathers puffed up in indignation as it looked at her and carried on its racket. She smiled. "I know what you said, Sarah; I know you don't want me to mourn…but could you give an hour or two anyway?"

The cardinal shook off the puffiness of its red feathers, returning to its usual sleek lines, it's expression softer and its voice giving a soft chirp as if it had understood and was giving permission to the woman on the other side of the glass.

"Thank you," she replied quietly, moving to the books on the floor. She picked them up and placed them back on the shelves as she allowed herself to cry, the cardinal keeping vigil at the window until her short period of mourning was over.

When she had wiped away the last of her tears and put a small stack of folders on her desk to go over for Jim, she glanced at the window and gave the bird a small smile. "I'm okay, Sarah," she stated. "Jim will be home in a little while."

The cardinal chirped and flew away from its perch and she watched it until it disappeared from view. She'd be glad when Jim got home; she needed his presence to fill the house and soothe her heart…and maybe she'd finally tell him what had been going on with her ghostly encounters.

A/N: Jo and Jim will have a little chat in the next chapter and then it'll be finished!