Christian's POV – Friday 29 July 2011
I can't imagine how I am going to be feeling tomorrow other than overwhelmingly happy. I can't wait to have Ana wearing my ring and bearing my name. She has held my mind since the minute I saw her and my heart since the moment I saw her crushed in the car accident, perhaps even before when Kate said she was missing and after tomorrow, she will own it. Tomorrow we become one in the eyes of the world and I can't wait but I have to get through the night without her in my bed, by my side and in my arms.
I can't believe we are following this stupid tradition especially as Ana wouldn't follow the tradition of the vows, my hand shakes as I rub my brow remembering how I managed to upset Ana so badly in a week that was already difficult that I actually doubted whether I was doing the right thing in marrying her. Not for my sake but for hers, if I could cause her so much grief and not see it and then make it so bad that she pulled out her echidna safe word and wasn't able to speak to me for two days because I was sulking like a child, what other stupid things will I do.
I'm lying in bed, tossing and turning, deciding it might be better not to even try to sleep because the nightmares that haven't been here except when I have been stupid and Ana isn't lying next to me, as happened on Monday night, are more than likely to come tonight and I shudder through my thoughts about the week, so many things have happened this week that I could never have imagined but then, my life with Ana has been like that, so much has been packed into the 81 days that I have known her that make my prior life seem tame and uneventful.
Sunday, finding out that Ray was Ana's biological father was by far the best part of the week and gave Ana the lift that carried her through the next few days. Days filled with the tiredness of final preparations and the insane workload required to ensure as little a disruption at Grey Publishing as possible during our honeymoon and compounded by my stupidity. Ray's presence and his news at Sunday dinner was also a buffer that stopped me from punching Elliot, who, while he now seems to understand the difficulties with security and especially the press, is still being an ass about things and not being anywhere near as discreet as he should be.
It was lovely to see Kate showing a totally human side in her joy for Ana and Ray and it constantly surprises me that with Ana she is a true best friend and is kind and considerate unlike how she acts with everyone else. She is very much a ball breaker and I know she doesn't trust me but just as I think that I realise that Ana has that effect on me too and know I should cut Kate some slack although the antics after the parties last week still have me on edge and I will need to watch her, she seems to think there is something not quite right about me and I heard her warn Ana and say that she'd always be there for her. Her threat to my anatomical parts I have no doubt she'd carry out if I hurt Ana and while I don't need the warning, I will take it anyway.
Monday saw the arrival of documentation stating that Elena and the crew of nasties will be trialled soon after our return from our honeymoon and the legal team will be working the whole time to ensure that terms for crimes are not served concurrently, that they are put away forever and don't bother us anymore. I was completely on edge as to how much I will need to disclose and mostly because I don't want Ana to be subjected to the fall out, unfortunately it seems that a lot of my past will be revealed. Ana reassured me that she would stand by my side through anything, even if it meant revealing the small kinkiness of our relationship so far but I don't know if I want to mention a lot of the things I did with Elena or what she did to me, I can't see the benefit. The thoughts of this had me completely on edge and it was only Ana who managed to calm me down, show me the beautiful parts of our relationship, reminded me that our lovemaking is so much more beautiful and serves so much more of a purpose than the early abuse ever did for me. We almost ran late for our next appointment as she showed me, with actions how much my life had improved, perhaps that was the reason why the appointment with the priest wasn't as pleasant as it should have been.
Having arrived at the priest's door, both looking slightly dishevelled and flushed, my mind was barely registering what he was saying and so when he asked what our vows were I blurted out that we would be saying the traditional vows. Ana suggested that she might like to change them a little, make them more personal and I rabbited on about how important it was that we stick to tradition. Out of goodness knows where, as she said, I became a stubborn obstinate old fuddy-duddy and I couldn't understand why she gently said that she really didn't like the "I will obey" line amongst others and I said that she must, she was going to be my wife. The priest looked between us and suggested that perhaps we were marrying in haste and thankfully both of us responded immediately stating that "No, it couldn't come quickly enough." At his suggestion that perhaps we needed to discuss our vows and come back to him, I couldn't leave fast enough to convince Ana that she had to change her mind and in the vehicle and all the way back here, all I did was proclaim how important it was that Ana obey me and I rattled on and on.
Somehow in the next hour I sank into a downward spiral, I just couldn't see any other way but mine and even when Ana literally stamped her foot and tried all sorts of reasoning to get through to me, I couldn't hear it. She said that if safety was the issue, she would follow both my and my security teams instructions, in relation to any other decisions that she would take any suggestions from me on advisement and think things through. She wasn't just going to obey me, she didn't want to lose herself, all the things that have caused her distress in the past but I was too riled to see any of that and stormed out.
I spent an hour running and stupidly couldn't see her point of view and was simply hung up on those words so that when I came back in, I continued to argue my case and that was when Ana used her Echidna safe word, looked really disappointed in me and throwing her hands in the air, said she was tired, turned her back and walked away. She then took her night clothes and refused to sleep in our bedroom, going into the guest bedroom and locking the door. Waking up during the night with a nightmare, playing the piano didn't work and so I went to work and stayed there until late into Tuesday night and didn't speak to her even when she called to wish me good night, I simply grunted.
Tiredness and my own idiocy then fed off each other and I decided to go to the gym and tried to knock Claude's head off. His only words to me since I refused to speak were, "Whatever you've done, you're wrong, she's right. Apologise. I am not fighting with you any more tonight, you need to figure yourself out before you damage Ana."
It was those last words that made me realise that was exactly what I was doing, why did I need her to obey me? Quietly thanking Claude I made my way out of the gym, Taylor finally losing the scowl he'd worn all day when I looked towards him, "I've been an idiot haven't I?" was met by a grunt that said more than any words could have and I knew yet another big apology was required. What was wrong with me? I needed Ana in my life, if she never obeyed me I couldn't care less, would my behaviour have just damaged the most important part of my life.
Reaching the apartment, the silence scared me and I became increasingly frantic as I couldn't find Ana. Gail said that she hadn't left the apartment and I tried to put myself in Ana's shoes to figure when she might be then I thought about the library and that's where I found her, in a silk nightdress, curled up asleep in the chair, a book on her lap and I realised she probably didn't sleep the night before and I'd been an arse as she would say and here she was uncomfortably curled up because she was waiting for me to come home.
Picking her up gently, I kissed her on the forehead and carried her to bed, holding her tight in my arms, feeling her heartbeat and my heart slowed to the same beat. As I was about to lay her down, she snuggled against me and my heart stopped, why would I ever be so stupid as to hurt this perfect woman in my arms and I realised what my vows should say. A simple, "I love you, please forgive me for I will be stupid, please never leave me and I will always look after you, I will however make mistakes and I need you now to forgive me in advance and give me time to work things out."
Having laid her down, I desperately wanted to lie beside her but didn't know if I should, was I really allowed, given the way I'd treated her, would I upset her more when she woke up and saw me there? As I leaned down to kiss her again, she woke and sleepily but warily looked at me and I tentatively reached for her. She reached for my hand and tugged me down and I allowed myself to fall and opened my arms, pulling her to me as I said, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, you can say whatever you like in your vows, they are your vows, I'm sorry I was an idiot, I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you." My words spilling and tripping over each other as I tried to articulate how sorry I felt, how much I loved her, how much I needed her.
"Wait, I know you love me and I know you want me safe and I will always listen to you and if you can talk to me then we will make decisions together, no-one needs to obey anyone as the decision will be mutual and I trust you completely," and I didn't let her continue, I needed to kiss her, feel her forgiveness.
When we came back up for air, I breathed against her lips, "I don't know what I did to deserve you but I am so grateful and I missed you and I can't live without you, even for a night," and then I had a thought about something else that might make the night that bit better. "And you don't have to worry about there being any of my residual stupidity in you, the DNA results came through today, we are not related, not even remotely, we are just special in that our blood types are freakishly similar but we are not related."
"Oh thank goodness, I knew we weren't related through Ray as he confided in me on Sunday that he'd only ever been with Carla when he was young, he adored her from a distance, then had his chance and lost his virginity to her and was shattered when she chose Frank Lambert. However, he didn't go out and sow his seeds, he actually went into his shell and didn't go with any other women and then he was with Carla and even after Carla had dumped him and ran off with husband number 3 he couldn't bring himself to be with anyone else for a very long time. I didn't know though if Carla's brother, my uncle or my grandfather might have known your mother." The relief in her voice showed that she had been worried and I was glad that I had managed to alleviate at least one worry.
"Well, thank goodness we aren't related but are you still happy to marry me?" I felt I should ask.
"Not a single doubt but I need a cuddle and I'm very tired," exhaustion hit us and we both fell asleep, Ana curled up in my arms and when I woke on Wednesday morning, we hadn't moved and my arm was fast asleep. I smiled against her neck, she was just where I wanted her to be and I'd have loved to show her how much but it was still too early for Ana and I wanted her to rest as much as she could, given that it was obvious she hadn't slept the night before either. A soft kiss and then I dragged my dead arm from under her, trying not to jolt her and cursing the pins and needles that were just starting to run up and down my arm.
A quick shower and I was in my office, Wednesday was the day that all the furnishings were going into the Sound house and Thursday was Gail and Taylor's moving in day, Friday was for Gail to organise the house as I want to return to the Sound house after our honeymoon, I want our official life together to be in the Sound and so needed to organise everything Wednesday. I don't know how long I was working but I was grateful when I heard a gentle knock on the door and Ana appeared carrying coffee and toast but the only thing I wanted to eat was her. I was up and out of my chair, kissing her gently as I took the tray and locked the door behind her. The knowing smile that lit up her face had me hard so quickly that it even surprised me and I stood still in shock and when she took the tray from my hands, placed it on my desk and sashayed towards me with her hands on her robe, I was grateful that Ana was becoming less shy with me.
"Do you want me?" in a husky tone almost had me exploding and I grabbed her and pulled her over to the sofa, without any further words, I slid down, my bottom on the floor as she knelt on the sofa, my face buried deep. Ana's fingers knotted in my hair, her moaning spurred me on as I stroked, licked and sucked and it didn't take long for her to scream her release, jerking against me, cream dripping down my chin as I sucked gently until she came down completely. At her giggle and relaxation, I moved to sit on the arm of the sofa and she clambered aboard, I found my release not long after, again holding her close and then finally I pulled us both onto the sofa, snuggling, just needing her close, I could never have her close enough and again I apologised for my stupidity.
Shaking her head, Ana propped herself up on her elbows on my chest and whispered, "Let's not do that again, I need you next to me, not ahead of me, not behind me, next to me and while I'd like to stay here with you and make up for the last two days, you have a full day ahead of you, as do I and now your coffee and toast are cold."
"I don't care baby, you are hotter than either will ever be and tastier than any toast, I'll pass on them any day to have you and do we have time…." Her blush and shake of her head made me chuckle and swing us off the couch, standing slowly so I could slide her down my body, all that gorgeousness soon to be officially mine filled me with an inner warmth that flowed through my lips as a hot kiss that had Ana moaning against my mouth.
"Don't do that baby or I will not let you leave the room," I said, holding her face in my hands and kissing her on her forehead, "Thank you for loving me." I needed her to understand and the love in her eyes when I looked down at her, left me in no doubt and once again I vowed to myself that I had to do everything to preserve her, not damage her as I had once again.
Thursday I had every woman in my life reminding me not to work too long on Friday as we had the rehearsal dinner, the priest calling to ensure that we had sorted our differences with the vows and upon my chastened response that Ana would not be obeying, his concern that our marriage was being built on a disagreement was quickly allayed when I repeated what Ana had told me. We will be walking side by side, neither obeying but working together although I admitted to him, just as I had to Ana, that I would probably get it wrong but hopefully she would forgive me, I reiterated to him as I had to Ana, there is no way I could live without her by my side and I more than understood her position when I stopped and thought about her point of view.
Thursday also saw Gail be her super sufficient self, setting up both houses so that Friday she could spend finalising all the packing for the honeymoons and helping Ana, she had gently told me on Wednesday that Ana was more important than the houses and that the houses would be fine but she wanted to be available for Ana. I once again was shown how much Gail was a better mother to Ana than Carla would ever have been and gratefully agreed and then Ana had told me that she fully intended to make sure that Gail was ready for her own wedding and honeymoon. At that point as Ana stood there with a smile on her face and shaking her head at me that I decided that I would stay out of their activities as it was obvious that I had no idea and their relationship was such that the time would be most productively spent if I had no part of the decision making.
Finally today, I spent the day with Ros and have absolutely no concerns about the business while I am away and having asked her to look over Grey Publishing and review Ana's role there. I have no doubt that when we return that Ana's movement through the ranks will accelerate under Ros's tutelage, I wouldn't trust anyone over Ros to guide her other than myself and I know Ana doesn't want my involvement. Taylor and I finalised all the travel arrangements and the security changes due to his wedding and honeymoon and confirmed that Welch and Barney would be tracking every movement so that we are protected, no matter where we are, with all the arrangements in place, I can't wait to see Ana's face as the honeymoon unfolds.
Tonight's dinner was a lovely get together, the priest a little too insistent that we cover the ground on the vows but stopped when finally Ana pulled him aside and said, "We have no issues, our vows are settled, we will stand side by side, our vows are to each other and that's the end of it." Similarly, suddenly Ana was standing up to Mia and gently stating that, "No, the marque will be up, the walkway will be covered, the security team know what they are talking about and if that's what they say is required for security, we are doing it, I don't care." Her eyebrows raised, her hands on her hips and suddenly everyone is seeing feisty firm Ana and I know she'll do just fine running Grey Publishing.
The rehearsal and then the dinner had run smoothly and suddenly one of mom's kitchen staff, Gretchen, dropped a pitcher of juice all over Ana and there was no way that it was an accident. Even I had noticed that she had been leaning in to me, brushing against me all night, her uniform shirt was inappropriately opened too low and she had practically snarled at Ana when serving her. Over the years I had avoided the girl as she made me uncomfortable but tonight was over the top, I am about to be married, it was our rehearsal dinner and she was practically throwing herself at me.
When I roared at Gretchen for her stupidity, making her jump, Ana put her hand on my arm and quietly said, "We're getting married tomorrow, you are mine, I have a feeling there are a lot of women out there that would like to do similar, at least she didn't hit me with the pitcher."
Ana simply wiped herself down and didn't say anything further, once Taylor appeared and Gretchen was gone for the rest of the night, I escorted Ana to my old bedroom so that she could change, that was when she told me that she was staying there for the night and that I would be coming home by myself. At my incredulous growl, her finger was on my lips, "It's tradition Christian, it's for good luck, if I see you before the wedding, it will be bad luck. We don't need any more bad luck."
The pleading look on her face stopped me from mentioning that the vows were traditional too, hey maybe I'm finally growing up and I didn't want her upset or worried so I simply pulled her to me and kissed her, moving down from her lips and onto her body as I lifted her sodden top off. If I wasn't going to be able to sleep with her because of some stupid tradition I'd never heard of, I was going to make sure she remembered me so I continued down her body, pulling down her bra cup paying particular attention to each nipple then down and I lifted her onto the bed in one fluid motion, kneeling on the edge I was just about to bury my face and there was a thump on the door.
"Hey Bro, get decent and get downstairs, we have a bit of a situation." He sounded cheerful so it wasn't too serious a situation and perhaps could wait.
"A situation?" I kissed Ana ruefully and she giggled.
"Fuck yeah, Grandma's had too much to drink and Macy isn't coping and you can't be up here with Ana, everyone knows what you're doing and you just have to wait until tomorrow."
Ana blushed and quickly threw on a sweater following us looking gorgeous as always but when she saw Grandma, I saw the sadness in her eyes, the lack of family is such a big issue and I wish there had been some way for Carla to be a decent person so that she could have been at the wedding.
Now, I'm lying in bed and I wonder whether I should just go do some work, there's no point in trying to sleep, even with Ana's pillow clutched to me so that I can smell her and just as I am about to give up, a text comes through.
"I love you, go to sleep, it's not many hours now and I can't wait to be your wife, xxx"
I can't stop the smile and whisper the words as I type them, "Hey baby, you should be sleeping. I love you too. I miss you."
Almost instantaneously the response is in my hand, "I miss you too, I just woke up imagining your mouth on my….." and she leaves me hanging and I can just imagine that she's gone one of the shades of red.
"Where baby, where is my mouth?" Oh I can do this, make her squirm for me and then the thought pops up that something has happened when she doesn't respond immediately and as the seconds tick by my heart starts to beat faster and I'm about to call when my phone pings and I breathe again.
"*Giggle* you know. where your mouth is, I had to ..umm check that my door was locked," is the response and I heartily chuckle, "I don't think we are even supposed to be texting but I needed to feel you," and I wish out of all the silly traditions that we weren't adhering to this one.
"Oh baby, feel me and it will put you to sleep," the last thing I want is a tired Ana on her wedding day and maybe, just maybe I can help from here. "Baby, your hands are in my hair, my mouth is buried, I can smell you, I can taste you, I can feel you under my tongue, I can feel how you are trying to control but you are so responsive, as I lap you, circle you, feel you, your hips are moving, my fingers join the party and oh baby, feel me baby, feel me and let it go, baby let it go," and then knowing that there is no way she could relax if she thought I was left unfulfilled, I quickly detailed my own release.
The "Oooh" I receive in return is followed by another, "Thank you, I love you, goodnight for the last time gorgeous fiancé, tomorrow you will be my husband. Xxxx."
"Goodnight beautiful, soon to be my wife, I've loved you as my fiancée, I've loved you as my girlfriend and I've loved you since the minute I saw your beautiful face. Sleep baby and I can't wait to see you later. Xxxx."
As I hit send, I cuddle her pillow and feel myself drifting off, no matter wherever else she may be, Ana is with me, I hold her in my heart and I will never now be alone and I can sleep.