Disclaimer: I do not own Blindspot. More like it's the other way around… I've come to realize that THEY own ME. :)
They didn't say anything as they walked up the stairs, or the few steps down the hall to the small bedroom. It still felt like stepping back in time to be inside it, but somehow, Kurt no longer found the feeling in the room to be oppressive.
Jane let go of his hand and knelt down to her bag, looking for her phone. She hadn't touched it in more than twenty-four hours, but it didn't appear that she'd missed anything. It wasn't as though she usually got many phone calls or texts, and really none that weren't work related. There was a text from Sarah, however, saying they'd gone to a shopping center in a neighboring town. Jane began typing out a reply.
Things are fine here… going better. We're going to take a nap.
The three dots at the bottom of the screen told Jane that Sarah was already replying.
We'll pick up dinner and be back around six, Sarah's message said. Then a second bubble popped up immediately afterwards, which said, Have a good nap.
Jane smiled at her phone, and then turned to see that Kurt was by the window, staring out it in the direction of Taylor's house once again. She approached him slowly, noticing than again, the expression on his face seemed different. More peaceful. Smiling hopefully as she walked over to him, she was glad to see that instead of being transfixed by the view of Taylor's house, he heard her coming and turned to look at her with a smile. As soon as she was within arms' reach, his hand went to her waist, pulling her closer as it snaked around her.
"I texted Sarah and let her know that things were good here, and that we were going to take a nap," Jane told him. "She said she'd pick up dinner before they came back in a few hours."
"Perfect," Kurt said, smiling tiredly and turning to walk back towards the bed, propelling her along with him. It didn't escape her attention that he waited for her to climb into the bed first, and she scooted over towards the wall before turning back to face him as he folded himself under the blankets beside her.
After he had settled himself, she asked, "So, are you purposely putting yourself between me and the door?"
With an expression that gave away nothing, he replied, "If I said yes, would you be upset?" She honestly couldn't tell if he was admitting guilt or asking a hypothetical question.
Her lips curled into a smile as she replied slowly, "Well, I suppose it would depend on the reason."
Moving closer to her and taking her hand in his, he replied, "And if I said that I did purposely put myself between you and the door, because I wanted to be a buffer between you and the rest of the world, so that I could stop anything or anyone who wanted to hurt you?"
"That depends," she said simply, stifling a yawn as best she could. She didn't remember the bed being quite so heavenly comfortable before, and it was very possible that she wouldn't be awake much longer.
"On what?" he asked her curiously.
"Is that the truth? Or you just don't want me wandering away while you're sleeping?" she asked curiously, staring into his eyes. Their faces were close enough together that she had butterflies in her stomach again, but far enough away that they could watch each other carefully.
"Is it bad if it's both?" he asked reluctantly, adding in a whisper, "I just want to keep you safe." Releasing the hand that was holding hers, he reached up and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, just as he'd done earlier, looking at her in what could only be described as devotion.
She smiled at him, but it wasn't quite a genuine smile – he could see pain behind it. "It's not a bad thing, I just…" Trailing off, she pursed her lips, her eyes giving away the storm of emotions happening inside her.
"I know," he told her simply, letting one finger trail along her cheek, "So you're going to have to get used to it."
He rolled back slightly, so that he was laying on his back, and she snuggled into his side. "It's all going to be okay, Jane," he said soothingly as her head landed on his left shoulder. His left arm was curled behind her, holding her close, his fingers in her hair. Her left arm lay gently against his chest, and he felt sparks, even with two layers of cloth between their skin. His right hand came up and rested on top of her left, his fingers curling around hers slightly.
She hadn't moved or replied in over a minute, and if not for her breathing, which gave her away, he might have thought that she had fallen asleep. Then, out of nowhere, she whispered, "How can you know that?"
Pulling her closer still with his left arm, he replied, "Because if we can live through what we already have and end up here… clearly, we can get through anything." He felt her sigh against him, but he had a feeling that she still wasn't quite convinced, as much as he knew that she wanted to be. "Could things get tough again?" he continued, "Sure. But we already know something important."
"We do?" she asked, craning her neck against his shoulder to try to look up at him. "What's that?"
"That we belong together," he told her softly, stifling a yawn. Despite the awkward angle, he saw a smile light up her face – a genuine one this time. There was still uncertainty in her face, but at least she didn't look scared just then. "If we've only proven one thing, I think that's it," he added.
"Yeah," she agreed softly.
Tell her, the voice in his head instructed him.
Now? he thought. It's only been four days!
It's been a hell of a lot more than four days, and you know it, the voice replied. The voice was right, he realized, and he knew it.
"I love you, Jane," he whispered. She'd just turned her head back down and leaned against him, and now her head snapped back up as if she was surprised. He felt her tense slightly, and she pushed herself up part way on her right arm, which had been under her. She was staring at him intensely, as if she thought maybe she'd misheard him and she was trying to make sense of his words. It was so damn Jane of her.
With a smile, his voice a little louder, he said, "Yes, you heard me right. I love you." His right hand was still curled around her back, tracing the patch of skin that held the oil derrick tattoo, even though he couldn't see it just then. He was getting pretty good at reading her, and he watched her now, trying to hear her thoughts.
I told you so, the voice in her head said triumphantly.
But… what if… she thought, her mind suddenly unable to process words, much less form them.
Do you believe him? the voice asked.
While she would normally have made excuses, come up with reasons why it didn't make sense, this time she found that nothing came to mind, only the slight feeling of panic and her natural inclination to protect herself from emotions like love, which could come back around and hurt her so badly.
I… She took a deep breath. Yes, I do. She was surprised by her own certainty.
He watched her process the words, the wheels obviously turning loudly in her head. For a few seconds she seemed to be unsure, but she breathed deeply and her expression changed. Her smile started small, but grew slowly as she stared into his eyes as if she wanted to believe it, but wasn't quite sure if she could.
"You know that, right?" he asked. It was a rhetorical question, simply meant to emphasize what he'd said.
"I…" She started to say something, but found that once again, words were lodged in her throat. He smiled and shook his head. If she hadn't already known, for whatever reason, she knew now. Getting her to internalize it might take a while, but once again, he was fine with the "work" that that would involve.
Leaning forward, he stopped when the tips of their noses touched, still staring at her. He brushed his nose against hers gently, then continued forward until their lips made contact for a kiss that, while it wasn't a long one, also wasn't short. Not as innocent as some others, but also not demanding. When he leaned back, stopping with their noses pressed together again, he smiled at her once again.
"And yes, I'm sure," he told her quietly.
She still looked unsure, though not unhappy, and his right hand was on her cheek again before he even realized it.
"I love you, too," she whispered. It sounded almost as though she was surprised.
As much as it made his heart soar, his forehead immediately creased with concern. "You know you don't have to say—"
"I know I don't," she said quietly. "I'm sure, too."
His face broke into a wide smile, and his left arm pulled her in tighter to him. Her head dropped back down against his shoulder, as she felt the rush of emotions draining the last bits of her energy.
When she sighed against him, he could feel her finally begin to finally relax again, and he leaned his face down towards her. His lips landed against her hairline, and he planted a kiss there, then leaned his nose and forehead into her hair, inhaling the scent of her shampoo and not moving away. He could feel the events of the past few hours catching up with him, and felt the fuzziness of sleep creeping into his mind. His right hand left her to pull the blankets up over them more securely, and then, now under the covers, it found her hand laying on his chest and covered it securely.
"Best nap ever," he heard her whisper as he felt himself drifting off to sleep.
"Hasn't even started yet," he reminded her quietly.
"Still wins," she insisted, drowsiness making her feel slightly delirious, but meaning every word she said.
He chuckled gently, shifting slightly, just enough to kiss her forehead once again, then returned to where his face was resting against her hair.
"Yes, it does," he agreed in even less than a whisper against her hair.
Less than ten seconds later, he could tell from her breathing that she had fallen asleep, and he followed her almost immediately.
As emotionally charged as their last few days had been, they probably could have slept for more than a few hours, but the sound of Sarah and Sawyer returning from their trek into the outside world a few hours later made just enough noise downstairs that Jane was roused slowly back to consciousness. Before opening her eyes, she took stock of the information being received from her various other senses – this had become a habit that she had yet to break during her time with the CIA. Really, though it was no longer crucial to her survival to know what she would face when she opened her eyes, it seemed like being aware of her surroundings couldn't ever really be a bad thing. Especially because ever since she'd come back to the FBI, waking up and sensing the world around her, sensing the absence of the excruciating pain of CIA imprisonment, had been much more pleasant than it had been to wake up while she had been at Keaton's mercy. She decided that maybe that was why she still did it – maybe she just enjoyed the feeling of where she was not. Not anymore.
This time, as the various parts of her body reported with their assessments of the situation in which she found herself, she couldn't help but smile. They'd both shifted in their sleep, and she'd ended up on her left side, facing the wall, with Kurt's chest pressed against her back, his right arm around her waist surprisingly tightly for someone who may or may not still be asleep. Her right hand was in his, pulled tightly around the front of her, and his head leaned forward against the back of her head so that his breath tickled her neck.
She didn't think that she'd ever in her life felt so happy, so safe, as she did just then, and she hoped that she wouldn't have to move anytime soon. Pulling her right hand closer to her, and in turn pulling his right arm more tightly around her side, she inadvertently gave away the fact that she was awake.
"You were right," she heard him whisper into her hair, "Best nap ever." She felt the slight rumble in his chest as he spoke, and the small amount of movement against the back of her head shifted her hair against her neck, tickling slightly and sending chills down her spine.
"And the best way to wake up," she added softly, feeling him chuckle behind her, pulling her even tighter.
"No arguments here," he whispered, nuzzling his nose against the back of her neck.
"Mmmmm," she hummed, "let's agree to never get up." This made him chuckle again, and the cycle of small actions repeated itself.
"And I would agree to that in a heartbeat," he said into her hair, "except that there will be a Weller at that door pretty soon, either beating on it or opening it, because due to an oversight, it's unlocked." Now it was her turn to chuckle, letting herself lean back against him. "Besides," he added, "we'll need to eat eventually. And if my nose doesn't deceive me, I'd say they brought home pizza."
"Pizza is tempting…" she conceded. "But…" She sighed against him, tightening her grip on his right hand.
He pushed himself up on his left elbow just enough to rest his left cheek against her right, so that his mouth was near her ear. "If you think this is the only time we're going to find ourselves just like this, you're mistaken. Does that make you feel better?" he whispered, causing chills to run down her spine once again.
She felt a smile spread across her face bigger than any other she could remember, and she turned around until she was facing him, letting go of his hand so that she could maneuver herself, now looking into his eyes for the first time since she'd woken up. Her intention had been to answer him, but she found that as soon as her eyes were locked on his, she was speechless. Biting her lip, she looked back at him and suddenly felt the familiar prickling sensation behind her eyes. Hoping to stop any potential tears before they started, she simply nodded and then leaned forward, wiggling slightly against his chin until her head was nestled against his neck.
Chuckling as his left hand found the inked spot at the base of her neck once again simply by memory, his now free right arm wrapped around her once again, holding her close.
"Okay, I surrender, forget the food," he told her, though it was obvious from his tone that he was joking. He was rewarded by a chuckle from her that, because of their closeness, he felt rumble through both of them.
"I know you don't mean that," she whispered. "But it's such a nice thought."
Now it was his turn to chuckle, and for the moment, he ignored the fact that they needed to get up. Just one more minute, he promised himself.
"One of these days, we'll be laying around like this and there'll be nothing and no one forcing us to get up…" he told her, "though… it might not happen until we get back to New York. And we do tend to be a little busy there…" He felt her tense up at the mention of going back to New York, and he leaned down to kiss to top of her head. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked gently.
Just then, they heard voices in the hallway outside the door. "Alright, you can get out of it for now, but we're going to come back to this subject later," he told her. "Okay?"
"Okay," she whispered, nodding against him. He allowed himself another few seconds to hold onto her tightly, after which he had to force himself to loosen his arms from around her.
"Come on," he coaxed her, pushing himself to sit up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. There was a knock at the door just then, and Sawyer's voice rang through it from the hallway.
"Uncle Kurt! We have pizza!" Sawyer called excitedly. "Three kinds!"
"We'll be right there, buddy. Save us some, okay?" Kurt called, turning over his shoulder to see Jane crawling from the other side of the bed to join him, swinging her feet over the edge and scooting close to him.
"Okay!" the voice in the hall called in reply, and then they heard feet banging down the stairs quickly.
They both laughed quietly, and though he wanted nothing more than to sit and pull her into his side, he forced himself to stand up, turning around and holding out his hand to her. She took it, of course, and as soon as she was standing up he had the fight the urge to pull her closer, simply keeping hold of her hand as they turned to walk towards the door. Once in the hall, she managed to extricate her hand from his in order to duck into the bathroom, emerging a few minutes later to find him leaning against the doorframe.
She'd opened the door, not expecting to find him standing so close, and she stopped in surprise as a grin spread across her face. "Hey," she said, taking half a step so that she was decidedly in his personal space.
"Hey yourself," he said, not moving from where he stood.
"Are you trying to get in here?" she glanced over her shoulder into the bathroom, then back at him, her eyes dancing in amusement.
"Maybe," he replied, his eyes not moving off of her.
"Uncle Kurt! Jane!" they heard Sawyer calling them from downstairs. "Are you coming or what?"
"Just a minute, buddy, we're getting there," Kurt called over his shoulder, turning back to continue looking into Jane's eyes as if he'd never moved.
"I think that's our cue," she told him, tilting her head to the side.
"Well, in that case, I suppose I should go in there for a second," he said, moving even closer to her. "I'll trade places with you," he told her, not moving.
"Oh yeah?" she asked in amusement. "How are we going to do that when you're blocking the doorway?"
Resting his hands lightly on her hips, he nudged her gently to the right and began turning them in a circle, almost as if they were dancing, until she found herself outside the bathroom looking in, and he was standing where she had been less than a minute ago. They hadn't once taken their eyes off of each other through the whole turn.
"I'd better hurry up," he said, letting his hands fall slowly from her waist, taking a step backwards and only looking away when the door had closed between them. She exhaled, turning around to face into the hall and stepping to the side of the doorway to lean her back against the wall. She could feel a goofy smile taking over her face. Trying to process the events of the last few hours, her brain felt overwhelmed and sluggish.
Could any of this be real, much less all of it?
She was so lost in thought when the door opened that she didn't even hear it. As she stared down at the floor in front of her, not even realizing that she was grinning, he stepped into that very spot in front of her. Her head snapped up in surprise, and as she straightened up, bringing herself closer to his height, he leaned down at the same time. It was hard to say who kissed who, therefore, because they had met in the middle. When he managed to pull himself back from her, pushing his hands against the wall on each side of her, her face was flushed.
"Well I see we both had the idea about brushing our teeth," she observed, looking at him innocently.
"It was a damn good idea," he told her, winking mischievously. She looked at him with raised eyebrows, laughing and shaking her head, just as they heard heavy footsteps on the stairs. Their eyes met quickly in understanding – Sawyer was coming to look for them. There were two choices, of course – either to turn around and head for the stairs before he reached the top, or, a slightly naughtier option… Which was the one Kurt chose.
Turning to glance for just a second at the stairs, his eyes were on her again in a second, his eyes sparkling mischievously as he slowly leaned forward again, his lips making contact with hers just before his nephew reached the top of the stairs.
They didn't see his expression, but they could imagine it based on what they heard. "Hey, are you guys—" And then a second of silence before the yelling began. "Ugh! Are you serious? Again?" And then he must have turned around, because they could hear heavy feet stomping down the stairs as Sawyer called for Sarah. "Mom! They were upstairs kissing, AGAIN! In the hall!" His voice retreated quickly, and they heard Sarah's calm voice, trying to soothe him.
Kurt leaned back and looked at Jane, looking immensely proud of himself. Jane laughed, shook her head, and tried hard to make herself be serious. "That was a little bit mean," she told him, though she was still laughing.
"You complaining?" he asked her, his tone now serious but his eyes sparkling.
She smacked him playfully on the arm, and took a step in his direction, but surprised him by brushing past him toward the stairs. "Come on. We need to actually get downstairs while there's still pizza." Kurt chuckled, following close behind her as he suddenly smelled the pizza and his stomach rumbled insistently.
At the bottom of the stairs, she paused just long enough to look over her shoulder at him, which was all the time it took for him to be by her side and to grab her hand before they continued walking into the kitchen. As they came through the doorway, Kurt stepping behind Jane but not letting go of her hand, Sarah looked up at them, shaking her head.
"Hi, guys," she said slowly. "That took a while." There was a grin on her face and she glanced at Sawyer before looking back at them.
Sawyer, on the other hand, looked up at them from where he was sitting at the kitchen table with an expression that was somewhere between embarrassment and a glare, and as soon as he'd finished chewing, he said, allegedly to Sarah but looking directly at Kurt, "They were kissing. Again." His tone alone let them know just how not amused he was.
Jane did her best to keep her eyes fixed on the pizza on the counter across the room. Kurt, on the other hand, somehow kept a straight face as he smiled at Sawyer as they walked by him, reaching out and messing up the boy's curls as they passed. "Sorry, buddy," he said, and Sawyer's expression relaxed again, though he still appeared to be sulking slightly.
"No more kissing," Sawyer mumbled sullenly.
Looking over her shoulder, Jane pretended to be taken aback. "Like… ever?" she asked dramatically.
"What? Oh, well… no…" Sawyer said, momentarily confused. Oh course I didn't mean forever, he thought. By the time he noticed that she was grinning at him, and that she hadn't actually thought that he'd meant forever, he was done sulking.
"Very funny," he said, sticking his tongue out at both of them, and the relaxed atmosphere in the room returned.
Both Jane and Kurt helped themselves to pizza and came back to sit at the kitchen table, Jane across from Sarah and Kurt across from Sawyer.
"Can you believe Christmas was only yesterday?" Sarah asked, shaking her head.
"I can't wait for next Christmas," Sawyer said gleefully, to which Sarah shook her head quickly.
"No no no," she said, looking slightly frightened, "I'm so not ready for another one. Give me another twelve months to recover, kid." The thought of next Christmas was completely overwhelming to her at that moment.
"It is hard to believe," Jane agreed. "I feel like we've been here a lot more than two days. I guess I'm not used to… uh… relaxing." She looked embarrassed, but it was the truth. She'd had weekends off before, of course, but the time alone with only her thoughts in her safe house had always been so stressful – nothing like this. She'd worked hard to fill the time. Purposely enjoying downtime was a foreign concept to her.
Sarah nodded. "Christmas tends to be an intense holiday," she added. "Maybe because of all the hype around it, or everything that goes into getting ready for it, or all the money that it requires," she rolled her eyes just thinking about how expensive Christmas had been again that year. "And we get off easy in our family. Some of my friends have hordes of family descending on them, or on the flip side, they have to go and stay with extended family that drives them crazy…" She trailed off when she realized that Jane, of all people, might not be the best person to say this to. After all, she had no one, which according to Kurt, was part of the reason why she was there.
Well, part of the reason, anyway, Sarah thought as she watched the two of them. Even though their chairs weren't pulled together at that moment and as far as she could tell, they were keeping at least a few inches between them, there was still something about the way the two of them interacted with each other that made it obvious how they felt about each other. Kurt's eyes continuously swept back to Jane, even if only for a few seconds, and Jane's eyes likewise always swept back to Kurt. Yes, Sarah decided, Jane having no family was a convenient excuse for her brother to spend the holidays with her.
Jane hadn't said anything in response to Sarah's offhanded comments about Christmas and family. She knew that Sarah hadn't meant anything by them, and that she'd simply been stating a fact. It was a holiday where most people were with their family. The fact that what little family she had left consisted of a terrorist brother who was locked up in the bowels of the FBI… well, that certainly wasn't Sarah's fault. It seemed doubtful that Sarah even knew about that, and that was for the best. Besides, if she'd had family, she wouldn't have ended up in Clearfield, with Kurt, that weekend. Really, not having family had worked in Jane's favor in this case.
Despite all of this, however, Jane was quiet after that.
Kurt heard his sister's well intentioned words and cringed slightly. He wasn't upset with her for what she said, of course, and he knew that Jane wasn't either. However, he also knew that family was a sensitive subject with Jane, and rightfully so. She'd started out with no family, as far as she knew, and when she'd finally found two people who were related to her, by blood or not, they were terrorists. She'd had to choose – the FBI and doing what was right, or her family, for whom the lives of innocent people were irrelevant if they stood in the way of their goals.
Needless to say, it wasn't an easy choice, but she'd chosen the FBI over her family. Even so, despite the fact that she disagreed with their actions so vehemently, they were still her family, and he knew how much her decision had cost her. After all, Sarah and Sawyer were what was left of his family, and he couldn't imagine having to give them up in order to 'do the right thing.'
"Uncle Kurt!" Sawyer's voice brought Kurt swiftly back to reality. "Can we sit and play video games for a while? It's been so long!"
Kurt glanced at Sarah, who smiled and rolled her eyes, as if to say Of course he brought them, and yes, go ahead, and then at Jane, who smiled at him encouragingly. Did she want more time with him herself? Of course. Could she begrudge him time with the nephew who he never got to see, now that he lived thousands of miles away? Of course not.
"I thought you wanted to play Monopoly, buddy?" Kurt reminded him. Sawyer looked surprised for a minute, realizing that they'd never had a chance to play earlier, and that he and Sarah had gone out instead.
"Oh, yeah… I mean, I did… but I'd rather play video games right now," Sawyer sputtered. Monopoly fever had obviously abated for the time being.
"Sure buddy, we can play for a while. What games do you have?" Kurt replied, at which time Sawyer jumped up from the table and made a beeline for the TV in the family room.
"I've got a lot of them!" he exclaimed. "I'll show you. Come on!"
"He does," Sarah affirmed. "Somehow we've acquired way too many since we moved."
Kurt grinned and stood up slowly from the table. As he pushed his chair in with his right hand, he rested his left hand on Jane's shoulder, letting it linger longer a few seconds after his chair stopped moving, and then let it brush across to her other shoulder as he walked behind her. She smiled up at him as he stopped on the other side of her to pick up the other three plates on the table, and then took all of them to the counter by the sink. Even after he'd walked away, she felt a slight buzz, feeling a slight warmth along the trail that he'd made across her shoulders. Even through a shirt and a sweatshirt, the indirect contact was a relief after they'd managed to keep several whole inches between them for long enough to eat their pizza.
If she had to be honest, it had felt like eternity, even though she knew that it hadn't even been ten minutes, and she could feel herself smiling again without having realized that she was doing it.
My, how things have changed in a few short days, she thought.
The boys settled themselves on the floor by the TV and Sawyer, delighted to have a receptive audience, was already halfway through listing and describing all of his games to his uncle. Sarah smiled and shook her head at them, glad to see the boys getting some time together.
Jane stood up and looked around, glancing over at the boys and realizing that she wasn't quite sure what to do with herself now.
"Should we have some coffee? They may be busy for a while," Sarah suggested.
Jane smiled gratefully at the offer. "Sure," she replied. "Decaf?"
"At this hour, that's probably a good idea," Sarah agreed, standing up to go and find the necessary supplies. While she got the coffee started, Jane put the plates into the dishwasher and consolidated the leftover pizza down to one box, then put it into the refrigerator.
"How long are you and Sawyer staying?" Jane asked. "There's still a lot of food in here."
Sarah grinned and shrugged. "I know," she said. "We're supposed to leave on Wednesday morning, if the weather cooperates… So whatever's left, I'll give to the next door neighbor." Jane noticed that Sarah glanced in the direction of Taylor's house – or, the house that had been Taylor's house, technically, since no Shaw had lived there for years – but that she didn't specifically say which neighbor.
"Are you doing anything else to the house before you sell it?" Jane asked. She couldn't even imagine what it must be like for Sarah and Kurt, to be in a house full of all of your childhood memories, knowing that they would never be there again… that it would soon belong to someone else, and that, because of the age of the house, that someone else would probably update it, or even just gut it and start over. Either way, chances were that they would change it completely.
Of course, she knew that for Kurt, the hard thing had been being in the house, not getting rid of it. It seemed to Jane that Sarah would probably have a much different experience.
"No, we're not doing anything to it," Sarah sighed wistfully, her tone proving Jane's theory correct before she'd uttered more than a single word. "Whoever buys it will make it their own, and there's nothing to say they'd like the way we would fix it up, anyway. Might as well not spend the money to change it, and sell it at a lower price. The house is long since paid for, anyway, so we don't have to worry about getting a certain price… It's just… strange… to think that we'll never be here again. All of the memories of my childhood are here, good and bad…"
Jane watched as Sarah suddenly seemed to realize what she was saying and who she was talking to. The other woman appeared to regret her words, blushing slightly and looking at Jane guiltily. Before she could say anything, however, Jane shook her head and held up her hand. "It's fine, Sarah. Really," she assured her.
Sarah smiled sadly and shook her head, then glanced over at Kurt as a pained expression came over her face. "He'll be glad to get rid of it though," she added. "I don't even know how I talked him into coming here. He certainly wasn't happy about it, and I know he only agreed because it was important to me…" Turning back to Jane, she added, "But I'm glad he did. That you both did."
The loud sound of the coffee machine as it finished brewing gave Sarah something to focus on besides how awkward she suddenly felt, and she turned her attention to it thankfully. She poured two mugs of coffee and they each added the amount of cream and sugar they liked, then stood by the counter and sipped.
"Why don't we go in the dining room, where it's quieter?" Sarah suggested. Jane glanced at the boys, who were now in their own little world, staring hard at the screen and pounding on the controllers, leaning one way and then the other… Jane had absolutely no idea what was going on, but there were lots of random sounds coming from the TV, that much was for sure. Her eyes rested on Kurt for a second and she had a feeling she had a silly grin on her face, though there was nothing she could do about it.
"Sure," Jane agreed, following Sarah out of the kitchen. They settled in the dining room, which didn't look like anyone had eaten there for a very long time. She thought fleetingly of when she and Kurt had come in there to get some privacy to talk, after Kurt had had one of his more intense flashbacks of Taylor in the kitchen, but shook her head slightly as she sat down to clear it from her mind. Hopefully, he was past that. It certainly seemed like something had changed for him, anyway.
"Sarah, thank you so much for having me this weekend," Jane said as soon as they were settled. "I… It meant a lot to me to have somewhere to go. I certainly wasn't looking forward to spending Christmas in my safe house, staring at the walls."
Sarah smiled sadly at her and nodded. "I'm glad you came," she said. "You're so good for him."
Jane looked slightly embarrassed, and she could feel her cheeks heat up at the compliment. Still, there was something that she felt like she should address with her. "I know… what you probably thought of me, when everyone found out… About Taylor," Jane said slowly.
Sarah knew that it would be a lie if Sarah had tried to argue that she hadn't been angry with Jane on her brother's behalf. After all, she'd watched him suffer so much, for almost his whole life, and then to see him be betrayed like that… and by someone that he so obviously loved…
Forcing herself to smile, Sarah nodded slowly. "I like to think that I handled it better than my brother, though I guess that's not saying much. And he was obviously a little sketchy about the details…"
"I really didn't know. That I wasn't her. He told me that he thought I was first, and then the DNA results backed it up… I had no memories, so I had no reason to think I wasn't her and every reason to think that I was. Her. Taylor." Jane could hear the pleading in her own voice, the desperation, and she only hoped that Sarah would believe her.
Of course, Sarah had been nothing but kind to her that weekend, so it seemed that she had already moved past it all, but Jane didn't want there to be any doubt in her mind. After all, she was in love with Kurt, and she wanted Sarah to know that she never intended to hurt him – not in the past, and certainly not in the future.
Sarah smiled at her, and Jane could see in her eyes that she believed her.
"It was terrible, the way he found out," Jane said, looking into her coffee. "That day was… it was terrible for both of us. That was the same day I found out…" She paused, thinking about her words carefully. "I lost someone that day too," she said simply. "It would have been easy to stop there, but she continued. "I wish… I wish there was a way it could've been different. But I guess when your dad…" Jane stopped herself. There was no reason to rub it in. "I guess that was the only way to be sure."
"I know," Sarah agreed in a soft voice. At that moment, she knew for absolute certain that Jane was telling the truth. "And it took me a while to accept that you really hadn't known. I was angry for a while… probably not as angry as Kurt, but it was just hard to see him going through all that again… He didn't want to tell me anything about you until recently." She paused, as if she was trying to remember. "I guess it was about a week ago, maybe? It sure feels like a lot longer than that."
"He talked to you about me a week ago?" Jane asked curiously. It had only been four days since he'd been speaking to her.
"Something like that," Sarah replied thoughtfully. "I guess it could have been two weeks. But in any case, not very long ago."
"Hmmm," was all Jane could say. She hoped that Sarah would say more about what Kurt had said about her without her having to ask.
"Yeah, I asked him how things were with you," Sarah continued, to Jane's relief. "He'd been so much more closed off since that night when he'd found her… and I understood why, and I tried to give him his space, but I was worried. That day I talked to him and he seemed… I don't know. No, I guess I'd noticed it a few other times and I'd been wondering if something had changed, because he seemed just a little… I don't know. Less guarded, I guess. I'd hoped that he'd tell me on his own, and I didn't want to ask in case I was wrong and nothing had changed – I just had a feeling when I talked to him, but no real proof… So that day I finally asked him how things were with you, and he… He said that he'd been working with you."
Sarah paused to take a drink of her coffee, and Jane watched her intently.
"I guess I asked him how that could be, if… if, after all, you'd deceived them…" Sarah looked embarrassed, but she kept talking, eager to get through that part of the story. "He said that they'd found out that you hadn't known after all, that there had been more going on than they'd originally thought… and that he couldn't tell me the details – of course. But as far as I was concerned, the important part, as far as I could see, was that he seemed to have forgiven you. That was enough for me."
Jane smiled weakly at Sarah, nodding. As far as Sarah knew, or would know, what had happened was just that simple. Jane could only wish that it had been that easy, but she wasn't able to say anything else. Nor would she have wanted to. It was between her, and Kurt – and the FBI, of course.
Let it go, the voice told her. It worked out okay.
"It's been a rough year for both of us," Jane sighed, looking into her coffee again. That much of the truth she could tell Sarah.
"But you're here," Sarah reminded her. "Looks like it turned out okay." Sarah's words were so similar to the ones in her head, Jane couldn't help but look up in surprise.
"That's what I try to tell myself," Jane admitted. "That it turned out okay, so it doesn't matter how hard it was to get here."
"I'm not sure I'd say it doesn't matter," Sarah said slowly. She'd just realized how seriously Jane was taking their conversation from the serious look on her face. "But there's always the idea that you appreciate something a lot more if you have to work for it, right?" she asked. Jane nodded, seeing where she was going but saying nothing. "Well, maybe that's what makes things so good for you guys now, despite everything. Because it was so hard for you to get here."
You have no idea, Sarah, Jane thought.
The more she thought about it, the more she thought that maybe Sarah had a point. After all, they had both been through Hell – and not just that year. For Kurt, it had been since he was ten, after all. And Jane's whole life, whether she remembered it or not, well, it all looked rather hellish from her perspective as Jane, no matter what Remi might have thought. That didn't matter anyway, after all, because Remi was long gone.
Yes, if she looked at it that way, they'd earned the right to happiness. That didn't mean it would necessarily be easy from then on, but they sure could appreciate everything they had… and it went a little ways towards reassuring Jane when she felt like she didn't deserve forgiveness. Maybe she did, after all…
"Maybe you're right," Jane said quietly, nodding her head. They finished their coffee in silence, each of them lost in their thoughts.
"Shall we check on the boys?" Sarah asked when her cup was empty. She was curious to see Jane's reaction. It was fun, she had to admit, to see how the two of them were with each other. Her brother had never acted around anyone else the way he acted around Jane. Namely… happy.
"Sure," Jane said with a smile. The two of them stood up and pushed in their chairs, walking back toward the strange beeping sounds of whatever video game they were playing. They boys didn't even seem to hear them approach, and the two women stood near the TV in order to be in the boys' line of sight, watching them staring hard at the screen and frantically pushing buttons.
"Hey guys," Sarah said casually. "Ready to play Monopoly?"
Kurt glanced up at his sister and Jane standing there watching them in amusement, and had to work hard to return his attention to the game. As much as he'd rather look at Jane just then, if he let himself be distracted, Sawyer would beat him, and then he'd be insufferable. Kurt had told him emphatically that he was going to win, after all. So he forced himself to return his eyes to the game, telling himself that he would only play a little longer.
"What? Oh, I…" Sawyer stopped mid-sentence, his face contorting in concentration as he held the controller up at a strange angle and pressed the buttons in a sequence that was apparently very important to whatever he was trying to accomplish. Having finished whatever he was trying to do, he glanced back at his mom. "Um… no, mom, we can't stop at this part. We're almost at the big boss. We have to beat him."
"Right, of course," Sarah said as if she knew exactly what he was talking about and couldn't agree more. Shaking her head, an amused smile on her face, she walked over and started cleaning up the Monopoly game. They weren't going to get to it after all, but none of them was upset.
Jane turned to look at the screen, trying to figure out what was so interesting that the boys didn't seem to be able to look away. It was… confusing, and hypnotizing. She didn't understand what was going on, but she could see how it could hold their attention, she supposed.
It didn't hold hers, however, and she turned away and walked around the boys to where Sarah was putting away the Monopoly game. "Do you need any help?" Jane asked.
"Nope, this is the last of it," Sarah said, grabbing the game pieces from the board and dumping them in the box, then folding up the board and putting it in on top, followed by the lid. "This one can go back in the closet, I guess." She seemed to think for a second, and then added, "Or, really I guess I should ask Kurt if he wants this to take home, or any of the other games, for that matter. I don't think he has any… I'm pretty sure when we played at his place, they were always the ones that Sawyer and I had brought when we came to live with him, and we took them with us."
There was something sad about that thought, Jane couldn't help but think. As if they'd brought some much needed life and fun into Kurt's somber, serious life, and then had taken it away again when they'd moved to Portland. That, on top of everything else that Kurt had been dealing with… everything that she had been responsible for him having to have to deal with.
Guilt, like a familiar blanket, crept over her for a second before she even realized it. But Kurt's voice was there in her head only an instant later. It's not your fault, Jane, he told her in no uncertain terms. Besides, it's done.
Instead of putting it back in the closet, Sarah left the game box at one end of the kitchen counter. Taking one last look back toward the boys, she shook her head. A yawn escaped her, and she stretched her hands up in the air. "I'm going to get ready for bed," she said. "I need to catch up on sleep now while I can, because when we go back home… I go right back to work and my crazy everyday life."
Jane nodded. She could certainly relate to that. Whenever they got back to New York, she and Kurt would be thrown right back into work and it would probably be just as if they'd never left.
Except it won't be, Jane reminded herself. It's going to be different. At least, she wanted to believe that it was going to be different.
Sarah walked over closer to where the boys had the exact same looks of intense concentration on their faces as they had when she and Jane had first entered the room.
"Good night, boys," she called, a little extra loudly to compensate for the fact that they were actively tuning out most of their surroundings in favor of the game in front of them.
"Night," Kurt mumbled without looking up.
Sawyer didn't reply, and Kurt elbowed him. "Hey! What was that for?" he demanded.
"Say good night to your mom," Kurt told him.
Turning toward her in surprise, Sawyer looked up sheepishly for a split second, before his eyes flicked back to the game. "Sorry. Night, mom," he said.
"Don't let him stay up all night, Uncle Kurt," Sarah told her brother.
"Course not," Kurt replied, again without looking up, as if the idea was ridiculous. Sarah rolled her eyes and turned away from them, walking back across the kitchen toward Jane.
"This wouldn't be the first time they played video games til they practically passed out," she said to Jane, shaking her head but smiling. She wasn't even pretending to be annoyed. "If it was anyone else staying with us, I'd force him to go to bed… but he idolizes Kurt. He always has. In a way…" Sarah stopped for a second and looked over at them as if something had just occurred to her. Nodding her head at her own thought, she said, "In a way, how Sawyer worships him reminds me of the way Taylor used to be with him, too. You've never seen a little kid follow a bigger kid around more closely than she did to Kurt. It really was the cutest thing," Sarah said, smiling sadly. "I was jealous of what they had," Sarah admitted quietly.
Jane followed Sarah's gaze to the boys, and for a minute they were both quiet. Sarah, remembering, and Jane, imagining.
"Good night, Jane," Sarah said, turning towards her with a smile.
"Good night, Sarah," Jane replied. "I'm probably going to head up there myself soon, too. Doesn't seem like these boys need our help with anything."
"Not so much," Sarah said. "See you in the morning." With that, she disappeared into the hall. Jane stood and watched the boys, focusing on Kurt in particular, for a few more minutes. He was very much involved in what he was doing, so after putting the coffee mugs in the dishwasher and wiping crumbs off the counters and the table, Jane headed upstairs as well.
She knew that Kurt would catch up with her eventually, once he'd finished playing with Sawyer. At the top of the stairs she realized that she was smiling unconsciously once again. She'd certainly been doing more and more of that in the past few days. There was something that she liked very much about knowing that even though Kurt wasn't by her side at that moment, he would be soon. It was an unfamiliar certainty, but a very soothing one.
And yes, it was only a certainty because they were staying in the same house. Had they been back in New York, it was possible that none of what had happened in the past few days would have ever happened. She tried to digest that as she slipped into the bedroom to change into her pajamas, but the feeling was disconcerting.
If none of it had ever happened – after the party, of course, which had happened in New York… If I'd just gone home and spent this weekend alone…
Of course, like any other 'what if,' it was impossible to know what would or wouldn't have happened, but she reminded herself that it didn't matter, because it had happened. She was there, and Kurt was there. Things between them had changed, and they weren't going to go back to the way they had been. At least, that was what she told herself, determined to believe it. That part still remained to be seen.
After brushing her teeth and washing her face, she climbed into bed with one of the books from Kurt's bookshelf. The cover said simply, 1984, and the short synopsis on the back cover was enough to pique Jane's interest. It appeared to be a well-worn copy, and she tried to imagine a teenaged Kurt reading it, laying exactly where she was then. The feeling was a little strange, and yet comforting. Really, she found most things about Kurt comforting.
She knew that she was drifting off to sleep as she read, but she didn't mind. After all, if she fell asleep, that just meant that it would seem like Kurt was there beside her that much sooner. The thought made her smile yet again, and with that, her eyes drifted closed and the book dropped down onto the blankets, falling beside her.