CHAPTER 17: TONIGHT, IN OUR PERFECT WORLD*
In which love hurts in all kinds of ways


Tseng at three a.m.

He is lying alone in a rumpled bed in a room that rents by the hour. Its exact location doesn't matter; he knows many such places. This particular room is on the third floor. Its window looks out onto the street. The sash is raised six inches, admitting a damp, slightly chilly breeze that strokes his bare skin, raising goosebumps. Across the street hangs a neon sign for a 24-hour launderette; its red glow lends the room an illusory warmth. He can hear laughter from the bar on the corner, and footsteps walking along the pavement: the click of a woman's heels, the slap of a man's brogues.

Never the same partner twice. It's easier that way. One less complication. He has tried relationships (he has tried most things); when he was Aerith's age, Zack's age, he had a series of what, for want of a more exact term, might be called lovers. Always the claustrophobia became unbearable.

Through trial and error he grew to understand himself better.

These days he knows what he wants (and what he doesn't want) and where to find it; when he sees what he's looking for they recognize each other even though they've never met before and would look the other way if they passed in the street tomorrow. Drinks are bought and desultory conversation made, really just out of politeness (or the atavistic need for some sort of ritual?) followed by an hour, or less, in a bed that belongs to neither of them. Sometimes he leaves first, but he prefers it when they do. He likes being alone like this, naked in an anonymous room, holding his life at arm's length for a little while. It's a moment of truce in the ongoing battle.

His arm is folded across his face. His eyes are open.

He is thinking of a phrase: the act of love.

He considers it from a variety of angles, tests it for its ability to bear weight. It fails. The definition is too narrow.

He has given her a lifetime of devotion. Stood guard. Learnt patience. Been reasonable. Borne pain. Practised silence. All acts of love. Why don't they count?

But these are the thoughts he came here to escape. He tries to blank them out, to focus instead on the experience of breathing: the cool air stealing his heat as it enters his body through the moist passages of his mouth and nose; his diaphragm tightening, the swell of his lungs forcing his ribcage to strain against the muscles of his chest –

It's no good.

What their lovemaking must be like, Zack's and Aerith's, he cannot imagine. Just as well, probably.

Pages from Aviva's diary

6th December 2001

Yes!!! Went on a mission with R today. Joy joy joy!!! Undercover – I wore shorts and stripey thigh socks and my lace-up boots and my new red sleeveless pullover. R in jeans and t-shirt. I hate that black wooly hat he uses, but he has to cover his hair. He puts the goggles on over the hat, to hold it in place. It does make his eyes stand out more. God his eyes are gorgeous. When he was younger they must have been green, but all that materia he takes have made them blueish. Suddenly noticed yesterday that mine are changing too – they used to be jet black, but now they're like the sky just before it's completely night. Kind of makes me feel I'm turning into a different person inside and out. I'm thinking I might grow my hair too.

Our target: gutter press journilist printing lies about Shinra. We had to watch his house for 2 hrs waiting for him to go out. Pure joy!!! We had fun making up imaginery life stories for the people who went past. R must think I'm insane I laugh so much. I was laughing bcz I was so happy just to be with him. When R laughs it gives me the butterflies. I love the shape of his mouth and the way that it moves.

Target went out and we went in – R let me pick the lock. We went straight to target's office where all his computers and printers were set up. R wired up the paint bombs and showed me how to prime the trigger. Next time target sits down to turn on his PC, bang! Poof! – everything soaked in yellow paint, ruined. I said why don't we just shoot him and R said **** you're bloodthirsty, aren't you? But he was laughing. And I said, no come on, seriosly, wouldn't it be simpler? And he said, well, what does the Chief always say? Be discreete. Sometimes people ask questions and this journilist is known to be a critic of the company. Getting him to change his tune is better than silencing him. If we disappere him, fingers will point. So we give him fair warning. If he takes the warning, good for him. Otherwise, we come back. I said, we meaning you and me, and he said, yeah, partner. I love it when he calls me that!!!

Went back to the office and R let me write the report. Even that made me happy. Just writing his name, just writing the initial of his name, makes me happy.

Is six years really such a big difference? When I'm alone I feel so old inside. But when I'm with him, I forget what I used to be. I feel like a new person. I feel I am exactly who he sees, this dumb funny wet-behind-the-ears crazy kid. I like being her….

.

22nd December 2001

Rude has a girlfriend!!!! And it looks serious!!!!!!!!

Me and him and R were inspecting the Sector 8 reactor today, double-checking all the plans because the Chief doesn't think they're completely accurrate. When we were finished R wanted to go for drinks like always but Rude didn't want to come. He said he had something else he needed to do. He said it in kind of a shy way that made me and R both realize Rude has something he wants to hide. Usually R can make Rude tell but this time Rude gave him the brush off real firm. So then R told me to follow Rude and find out what gives. R likes to know everything that's going on, but that wasn't his only reason. He always thinks he has to take care of Rude, watch out for him. I kind of didn't want to snoop, because I like Rude and I know how private he is, but on the other hand I kind of did want to, because I'm a nosy parker.

I think Rude must have guessed one of us would follow him. He covered his tracks pretty good, and Rude's kind of noticeable, so he was making a big effort not to be seen. Then I had to stop and help this lady who was being mugged. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I finally found him in The Lady Luck, and he's sitting with this GORGEOUS girl!!!! Her name is Chelsy. He must have said 'Chelsy' a million times this evening. I hid behind a big plastic pot plant, but probably I didn't need to. He has eyes for nobody but her. I could practically see the big heart-shaped dream-balloons floating in the air all around them!!! They talked for hours and I got cramp, but it was the sweetest thing and I was kind of glad I got to see it. A different side of Rude.

I envy her. If you-know-who ever looked at me the way Rude was looking at her tonight, I think my heart would stop dead from pure ecstasy. But Chelsey's beautiful. Oh well. Oh sigh.

The really strange thing was, Rude wanted to walk her home but she absolutely refused to let him. Why? All night she was looking like she couldn't wait to fall into his arms….

.

23rd December 2001

Told R today about Rude and Chelsy and how in love they were. He laughed a lot and said sneaky basterd. I told him about how Chelsy refused to let Rude leave the restaurant with her or walk her home. R said that's weird. I said what? And he said maybe it means something or maybe nothing. Maybe she's just not that kind of girl. Too bad for Rude, eh? Then he said that actually he was a bit pissed off. Why hadn't Rude told him, when he tells Rude everything? I said, you know Rude can keep a secret but Rude knows you're a big gossip. And R said, not when it's serious. Which is true. So R said he would get to the bottom of it, and he left to go see what was happening at the Lady Luck. And I came home and wrote this.

.

24th December, Winterday

It's my lunch break. I just want to write quickly what happened yesterday with R and Rude and Chelsey. When R got to the Lady Luck yesterday he saw Chelsy acting very suspicious. Rude went to the bathroom, and she picked up his phone from the counter and started fiddling with it, but then put it back down and looked all around like people do when they feel guilty. (R acted it out for me).

So R waited until Chelsy left, and the same thing happened, that Rude wanted to go with her but she refused. R followed her (which I probably should have done) and she went down into the storm drains and inside the plate, and met up with some other people, and it turns out they are AVALANCHE!!!!

I feel sick writing this.

R said he could have killed her then and I know what he means. But he stayed hidden and listened and one of the AVALANCHE guys asked her if she'd managed to bug Rude's phone and she said she didn't get a chance. But she did. She could have bugged it while he was in the bathroom. So she was lying to AVALANCHE as well as to Rude.

What the %&*#! is going on?!?!?!

I said to R well why didn't you DO something and he said he wants to wait and see what happens, because Chelsy's promised to meet Rude at the Tree of Lights tonight.

R told me all this just now and he's asked me to go with him after work to follow Rude and make sure he's OK. So that's the plan. We're going to teach that lying Chelsy b***h a lesson she won't forget…..

.

25th December

I feel so low today.

Nothing turned out the way I expected. I guess I should start at the beginning. R and I were heading for the Tree of Lights when the Chief called and said there'd been an outbreak of chimera bugs from the sewers and sent us to find the nest and destroy it. That wasn't hard, but it took a while. Then on our way back out of the sewers we heard a voice we both recognised. It was Chelsy!!!! We crept forward. She was talking to some guys – AVALANCHE – and she was pleading with them and crying and saying she didn't want to be part of the plot any longer. The basterds attacked her!!!! That's when R and I moved in and killed them. There were four of them. It felt so good. I hadn't realized before then just how furious I was for what they'd done to Rude.

I nearly killed Chelsey too but R stopped me. He put the point of his rod against her chest just where her heart is and he said if you've got one, start talking. She said she'd been working with AVALANCHE for just a couple of months and they'd told her to get close to Rude and bug his phone so as to infiltrate us. I shouted at her, I said how could you do that? He really loves you! Don't you know how lucky you are?!! She said that once she got to know him and saw what a great guy he was, she started to fall in love with him too, and that's why she was trying to get out of AVALANCHE. But AVALANCHE don't let anyone leave. I said why do you hate Shinra? Why do you hate us? She said she didn't know what she felt about anything any more, but she knew it was all over with her and Rude.

R said, we have safe houses, we can take care of you. You have information we can use. She said she wasn't a traitor. Kill me if you have to, she said, I don't care. I've already punished myself and fallen in love with a man I can never see again. She said, tell him I'm sorry. Maybe in our next lives we can meet again and it will all work out. She was crying so much. I felt like my own heart was breaking.

So I said to R what should we do? And he said The Chief ordered us to get rid of the bugs and we've done that so let's go. And then he said to Chelsy Don't ever let me see your face again, because I'll kill you. And then we left her there. We went to the Tree of Lights and saw Rude waiting. R made me go tell him. He said it would be easier coming from me.

But it wasn't easy. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For once I was glad that he wears those sunglasses all the time so I didn't have to see the look in his eyes.

And then R comes sauntering in and he's like, hey, partner, what's with the long face? Like he doesn't know. And Rude tells him to Shut the **** up, and swears at him for a while, letting all his feelings out. R just stands there and takes it. And then he says, it's kind of cold, let's go find somewhere warm.

So we go to the Goblins. Rude didn't say anything for a long time. We just sat there round the table, R, Rude, me. After a while I felt like I wanted to hold Rude's hand, so I did. And then Rude said, I'm not surprised. It never felt right. Makes sense it was an act all along.

I said, That's not true. She loved you. She did, didn't she, Reno? She really did love you. You have to believe me.

And he turns to R and he says kind of slowly, what does that mean, though?

I said, It means you're a great guy. She saw it. She wanted to hate you but she couldn't because you're so fantastic. You made her love you just by being you. I was saying anything that came into my head to make him feel better.

He said, I'm lucky. I have good friends. And he bent over quite a long way because he's so tall and I'm so titchy, and he kissed my cheek. It was sweet. I was glad I'd cheered him up just a little bit.

But I wish it had been R who kissed me.

In our next lives, maybe all our dreams will come true.

Oh, I wish.

*Author's note: the title of this chapter is the same as the corresponding episode of Before Crisis; it is one of the chapters that follow the script of BC very closely. Once again, all praise to DarkAngel and her Gunshot Romance site, and to SandG for his summaries.