Disclaimer: I do not own Blindspot. More like it's the other way around… I've come to realize that THEY own ME. :)
Eventually, they did get up. Kurt wandered downstairs and talked to Sarah and Sawyer while Jane took a shower, and when Jane eventually showed up downstairs, clean and dressed, Kurt went back upstairs for a turn in the bathroom.
Jane had watched Kurt leave the kitchen, and then turned back to find Sarah watching her with a knowing smile. Jane grinned self-consciously, looking away. After all, Sarah had made her feelings about the two of them abundantly clear – that she thought that they were adorable – but Jane still felt a little funny about having an audience, even a supportive one, for whatever was happening between herself and Kurt.
"Kurt said that you guys should be heading back to New York today," Sarah said casually.
With a small sigh, Jane nodded, looking back at the other woman. "Yep, back to work," she said, trying to keep her tone light. She did feel better after that morning, after all, and she knew that for the time being, she was going to have to take the rest of it on faith and hope for the best. Kurt had certainly earned at least a chance, after all.
"Well you should have good weather for the drive, at least," Sarah told her, peering at the screen on her phone. "It's supposed to be cold but sunny today. No snow in the forecast. And the roads should be pretty well plowed by now… they're pretty good about that."
Jane nodded, not wanting to think about leaving, but knowing that it was inevitable – she was still trying to convince herself that it would be fine. With clear weather, they could be back in the city by mid-afternoon, if they got on the road sometime soon.
"I hate to see the weekend end, honestly," Jane admitted. "But I suppose that since it's Tuesday, I have to surrender to the fact that it has already ended." She hadn't realized it until after the words had come out of her mouth, but just then she remembered Kurt, a long time ago, telling Rich Dotcom, 'It's Tuesday.' In her head, she heard it in Kurt's voice and it made her smile.
And then, of course, there had been Rich's non-sensical response. Well, it's Friday somewhere. She smiled at the memory of that first day they'd spent undercover, pretending to be husband and wife when really, they'd barely known each other. Still, the chemistry between them had allowed them to play their parts believably, to the point where Rich had been disappointed to later find out that they weren't actually married, and had been actively campaigning for them to get together ever since.
If only it were that simple, she thought immediately, only remembering a second later that she didn't have to wish anymore. She'd conditioned herself so thoroughly to remind herself not to want something between them, for a second she'd forgotten that she'd actually gotten her wish.
Again, the thought made her smile, and she glanced back at Sarah, who was again watching her with a smile. "Sorry," Jane said quickly, "my thoughts are running away with me this morning."
"Well whatever you're thinking about, it's making you look pretty happy," Sarah replied with a sly grin. "Or… whoever you're thinking about."
Jane blushed slightly, smiling again instinctively and knowing that Sarah could probably guess what was making her look so happy. It wasn't as though it was that hard, after all.
"I am," Jane replied, "the happiest that I can remember."
"Well, good," Sarah said simply, giving her a knowing smile. "Oh! How could I forget? There's coffee, if you want some," she told Jane, glancing back at the counter.
"That sounds great, thanks," Jane said, walking toward it.
In less than a minute Jane had settled herself at the kitchen table with a large mug of coffee. Sarah, meanwhile, was standing at the counter, and had just started chopping what looked like a mountain of various fruits.
"Can I help you with anything?" Jane asked her.
"Nope, under control," Sarah replied over her shoulder. "I made Sawyer some breakfast earlier – after which he promptly went back to bed – but I wanted to make a nice breakfast for all of us again before you guys left. Which, I'm sure Sawyer will appear for as soon as I set it on the table, by the way," she laughed.
"Thank you, again, this weekend has been exactly what I didn't even know that I needed," Jane told her sincerely.
"Well, I think my brother gets more credit for that than I do," Sarah grinned at her, "but you're welcome. I'm glad you've enjoyed it. We don't have much in the way of family, but we do our best."
"I know that Kurt misses having you guys around," Jane told her. "How do you like it out west?"
Sarah sighed, putting down the knife she was using and turning around to look at Jane thoughtfully. "Well, it has its pros and cons," she started slowly. "I'm glad that Sawyer's getting time with his dad – not a lot of it, mind you… but some. More than he was when we were in New York, that's for sure. But… it's been an adjustment. The west coast is different, and… I did love New York."
There was a wistful look on Sarah's face for a few seconds, before she seemed to realize that she'd become lost in her own thoughts, just as Jane had a few minutes before. Looking back up at Jane, Sarah forced a smile back onto her face. "It's getting better," she said determinedly. "I'm giving it a chance. And you never know what the future holds." Her smile looked more genuine then, and Jane nodded.
"That much is for sure," Jane agreed whole heartedly. After all, a few months ago she would never in a million years have thought that she'd be where she was now. If anyone had predicted it, she'd have told them that they'd lost their mind.
"It's what keeps life exciting, right?" Sarah asked, her customary wide smile back on her face.
"Absolutely," Jane agreed.
"So, what's new in here, ladies?" Kurt asked, walking through the doorway of the kitchen, now showered and dressed. "And what do I smell, Sarah? It smells really good… did someone sneak in here and bake something?" His eyebrows rose and fell several times in quick succession as he teased his sister good-naturedly, all the while walking across the kitchen towards Jane. He hadn't even thought about it, he'd simply been drawn to where she was from the moment he'd entered the room, as though he was pulled into a gravitational field that he was powerless to resist… not that he wanted to, of course.
"Very funny," Sarah replied sarcastically, rolling her eyes at him as she turned back to the fruit she'd been cutting. "I'll have you know that that was 100% me."
Kurt just grinned at her for a few seconds, until she'd turned around to look at him over her shoulder and smile at him, then he turned his full attention to Jane. As soon as he'd walked up behind her, while still talking to Sarah, his hands had gone to her shoulders, his thumbs kneading gently against the skin at the base of her neck. With Sarah's attention now back on the food, he leaned down and kissed the top of Jane's head.
"Over here, on the other hand," he observed as he slowly raised his head again, "it smells like coffee."
"There's plenty," Sarah called from the far side of the room, waving a hand at the coffee machine. Jane had turned around to look at him, smiling happily.
"I'll be right back," he told her, giving her shoulders a squeeze before reluctantly letting go and walking to the counter for coffee. Jane watched as he poured his coffee and then, before returning to the table, attempted to steal a strawberry from the pile that Sarah was working diligently on cutting. To his dismay, she caught him, and it was only when she threatened him with the paring knife in her hand that he backed away.
"Okay, okay," Kurt said in mock horror, "I'm going." Taking his coffee and walking back to the table, he chuckled at his sister's protectiveness over the fruit. He sat down in the chair beside Jane's, immediately pulling her chair closer to his and leaning towards her. She leaned towards him as well, and by the time Sarah looked back over her shoulder a minute later, they were nearly glued to each other's sides once again.
There was a loud beeping noise that rang out through the kitchen all of a sudden, and Sarah sprang to attention. She silenced the alarm with the touch of a button on the control panel on the stove, and then cracked it open to check on whatever it was that Kurt had smelled a few minutes before. "Perfect," she declared, taking a potholder in each hand and opening the door of the oven wide so that she could remove whatever had been inside. Setting the large, hot pan on the burners, she carefully closed the oven and looked down at her creation proudly.
"So, was I smelling bacon earlier?" Kurt asked her, and she grinned at him over her shoulder.
"Yep, you were," she replied. "Sawyer ate what I made in about ten seconds flat. There's more, though, and we should eat it. There's far too much food in this house and the two of us are leaving tomorrow." She glanced around the room slightly wistfully then, and added, "Before you guys leave, you should look around. If you want anything from here, you should take it. And I know," she added, cutting him off before he could utter a word, "your memories here aren't the happiest… but just in case."
Kurt held up his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay, I'll think about it," he promised, which was met with Sarah's approving nod.
Dumping the fruit into a large bowl and walking to the refrigerator, she said, "Alright, we're almost ready. I'll just make some bacon," she told them. "And then we can eat."
"Are you sure you don't need any help?" Jane asked, leaning against Kurt. She was perfectly happy where she was, of course, but she would have been happy to help Sarah.
"I'm sure," she replied. "You two stay right where you are." After a pause of only a few seconds, she added, "As a matter of fact…" Trailing off, she took her phone from the counter and clicked on the screen several times before holding it up lengthwise in front of her, facing them. It was pretty clear what she as doing.
"Smile!" she told them. "I've barely taken any pictures this weekend, and somehow I don't think I have any of you two." After a few seconds she looked satisfied with what she saw on the screen, and after another few seconds she turned her phone for them to see the image of the two of them, sitting close together with their cups of coffee in front of them.
Kurt pressed his chin over her shoulder to see the picture from Jane's angle, to avoid the glare on the screen, feeling the side of Jane's head lean against his almost immediately. Sarah withdrew her phone and clicked the screen again. "Stay just like that," she told them, and Kurt chuckled as she quickly turned her phone back around to take another pictures of them. "Okay, got it," she told them. "You guys are too adorable. It's disgusting. I love it."
They both laughed quietly as Sarah put a large skillet on the stove and began cooking the bacon. The sound of sizzling filled the kitchen and the smell wasn't far behind. Within less than two minutes, Sawyer had rejoined them as well, sitting bleary-eyed across the table from Kurt and looking as though he was still mostly asleep.
"Good morning, buddy," Kurt said to him. "To what do we owe the pleasure?"
"Bacon," Sawyer grumbled, making all three adults laugh.
"Coming right up," Sarah called, "along with a few other things."
Less than five minutes later, they all had plates of bacon, fruit salad and cinnamon rolls in front of them, and they were eating happily.
"These are delicious, Sarah," Jane told her.
"Yes, please come back to New York soon," Kurt added. "I insist."
Sarah laughed, reaching out to swat him across the table. "As I recall, someone has always been pretty critical of my cooking," she recalled. "Obviously you just didn't appreciate me when I was there."
"That's because you didn't know how to cook when you lived in New York," Kurt clarified. "It was pretty bad."
Sarah looked at Jane, pretending to be shocked, and Jane just looked down at her plate, stifling a laugh. She'd witnessed Sarah's culinary skills, or lack thereof. It had only been on a few passing occasions, including the dinner that she'd only stayed for five minutes of the first night they'd met, but it was enough that she could appreciate the difference.
"I wasn't that bad," Sarah insisted. Jane kept her eyes on her plate, trying to be polite, while Kurt laughed out loud.
"There's your answer," he said triumphantly, looking at Jane and then back at Sarah. "She's just too nice to say it."
"I see that you don't have that problem," Sarah said, narrowing her eyes at her brother, but having to hold back a smile of her own. She knew that she hadn't been a great cook, but she was only now seeing that she'd been worse than she'd thought.
Jane peeked up and looked from Kurt to Sarah, trying to determine if it was safe to look up without being pulled into their disagreement as a witness. Sarah looked at her again, eyebrows raised, and despite the smile on Sarah's face, Jane felt the urge to apologize. "Sorry, Sarah," she said, biting her lip for a second before quickly taking another bite of her food.
"Well," Sarah said, completely unfazed, "now I have an extra reason that you guys should come out and visit us in Portland." She looked from Kurt to Jane, and then held up her hand before Kurt could say anything – though he'd opened his mouth to start. "And yes, I know, your jobs make it very hard to make plans at all, much less to travel across the country…"
Kurt sat back in his chair and closed his mouth, amused that she'd just taken the words right out of it for him.
"You have mentioned it a few times before, you know," Sarah informed him.
With a sigh, Kurt shook his head. "I know, I'm sorry…"
But Sarah shook her head right back at him. "Hey, I get it. My brother is very important. The two of you guys save the world on a regular basis. But one of these days, I'll get you out there…" She smiled at them, absolutely no frustration visible in her eyes.
"I hope so," Kurt told her. "Unless you throw in the towel and come back to the East Coast before that happens."
"You never know," Sarah told him.
"Stranger things have certainly happened," Jane interjected, shrugging her shoulders and smiling from one of them to the other. After all, her life was certainly proof of that.
"And thank goodness they have," Kurt said, holding his coffee cup up as if he were toasting with it. "To stranger things."
Both women smiled, and raised their half empty cups to clink against his. "To stranger things," they both echoed.
Jane lowered her cup slowly, glancing over at Kurt. Sarah had gone back to her food, and for a second Jane and Kurt held eye contact with each other, the look they shared saying a lot more than words would have been able to in that short amount of time. They didn't need words for it anyway.
She didn't mind being a 'stranger thing' in his life. It wasn't as though she could claim that her life hadn't been strange, after all. But strange was fine with her, because while it may have made her a bit of an oddity, it had landed her squarely in the right place at the right time. Here. Now.
There was a lull in conversation as they all focused on their food, and as much as they wished that they had the time to sit and linger at the table, it wasn't too much longer before they were clearing their dishes.
"So, you're sure you can't stick around another day?" Sarah asked, reluctant to bring up the subject, but feeling as though she had to at least try.
Kurt pulled his phone out of his pocket and clicked the screen several times, looked at in intently. "Looks like the weather isn't going to be an issue today, so…" He looked up at his sister apologetically. "We really do need to be getting back."
Jane, of course, didn't have the same urgency that Kurt did, since his job was the one that made his presence in the office essential. Still, she liked how he'd said, "We really do need to be getting back," despite the fact that she wasn't the one who needed to get back. It made her feel like they were a unit, a team… which she supposed they were, and now in a whole new way.
"Well, I'll take care of this mess," Sarah said, waving vaguely at the counter. "You guys go ahead and get yourselves organized."
"Are you sure?" Jane asked, feeling guilty.
"Absolutely," Sarah said, "I insist." Then, looking at Kurt, she said, "And I think I already told you this, but if there's anything in the house that you decide you want, take it. You won't get another chance." He just nodded, looking like he was humoring her, but she hoped that he'd keep an open mind. After all, there could be something in the house that he wanted to keep…
"Thanks, Sarah," Kurt said, smiling at her and then walking toward the front of the house. Jane also smiled at Sarah before following Kurt upstairs. Their pace was slow but deliberate, and they were both quiet. Once they were in the bedroom, they saw just how little time packing would take. They'd kept their things relatively contained, so it only took a few minutes to gather them back up again.
"Can't forget our toiletries," Kurt said, heading for the hall to grab their things from the bathroom. Now alone in the room, Jane glanced at the window, but didn't feel compelled to walk towards it. Despite the fact that this house held no history for her, somehow this trip had been just as important for her as it had for him. As much better as she was feeling about things, however, she couldn't help the uncertainty she felt at the idea that they were heading back to New York.
When he let himself back into the bedroom a minute later, he found Jane sitting on the bed, their bags sitting side by side on the floor. Her hands were clasped together, and she was staring at her lap.
With a sigh, but without a word, he walked to the small desk and put down the things he was holding, then walked the remaining few steps to the bed, sitting down close beside her on her right side. Reaching out his left hand, he took her right in his, pulling it over to him and holding it between both of his hands in front of him. She smiled, though it was a forced smile, but didn't look up. He was watching her, she knew, so it didn't come as a surprise when he squeezed her hand between his. She finally looked up at him then, feeling uncertain – but only until she met his eyes. In them she saw the same devotion she always had, and that was when her smile turned genuine once again.
It's going to be okay, she told herself, firmly repeating the words that he had said to her many times now. He didn't say anything, but his eyes said the same words, looking at her so steadily, so honestly, that it was inconceivable to her that he didn't mean what he'd said – or in this case, what he hadn't said.
"Ready?" he asked.
"If you are," she replied, suddenly looking – and feeling – more confident again. Without letting go of her hand, he stood up and once again pulled her to her feet as well. They retrieved their respective toiletries bags from the desk, and then only reluctantly let go of each other's hand so they could put them into their bags.
"You're supposed to take anything you want to take from here," Jane reminded him gently. She knew that this house wasn't a place that he'd wanted to think about at all for many years, but now that he'd turned a corner, she hated to think that there might be something, however small, that he would someday regret not taking.
"Do you want the books?" he asked her, glancing from the copy of 1984 that she'd been reading the night before to the rest of the books on the shelf.
"This is your stuff. From your childhood. It's yours," she replied, almost pleadingly, wondering how this had suddenly been turned around on her. It was supposed to be about what he wanted to keep, after all.
"Well," he said slowly, "think of it this way. I've read the books, you haven't. I don't have great memories of my childhood, which is when they're from, but at the end of the day, they're just books. Useful objects with a little bit of history to them. I may or may not ever read them again. Would you read them?"
She glanced at the bookshelf and thought for only a second, then shrugged, her mind wandering to all the downtime at her safe house when she wished for something to occupy her mind besides her thoughts. "Probably," she admitted.
"Okay, then why don't we think of it another way," he said. She noticed a slight smile on his face, and she wondered what exactly he was up to. "Why don't we take the books? You can keep them at your safe house for now. If you decide you're done with them as you read them, or that you don't want to keep a particular one for whatever reason, then we'll decide what to do with them then. We can always donate them to charity if we change our minds."
She heard the words he was saying, but after the first sentence, she'd only been half listening. The question, 'Why don't we take the books?' was all she needed. It was no longer Jane taking them, it was the two of them together. The fact that she'd have them at her place for the time being wasn't nearly as important as the fact that she'd heard him say 'we.'
Such a small word, and yet it means so much, she couldn't help but think. Looking back up at him, she nodded, smiling shyly. "Okay," she agreed.
"I'll go get a box," he said, leaving the room and returning a few minutes later. This time when he came back into the room, he found her in front of the bookshelf, staring at the various titles.
"Mostly, they're books I had to read for school," he said, walking up behind her and setting the box down on the floor. As soon as his hands were free, they went lightly to her shoulders, staying there only a minute as he stood behind her, but slightly to the left side, before they smoothed down the sides of her arms and then locked together around the front of her.
A flash of self-pity flared up in her, as she wondered what it must be like to remember your childhood.
"None of them even sound familiar," she said, a hint of disappointment in her voice despite her best effort to keep it out.
"Not yet," he said softly, leaning his cheek against her temple and pulling his arms just a little bit tighter. "They will."
She tried to hold them in, but the words tumbled out of her mouth of their own accord.
"I can't even imagine what it's like to remember being a kid…" she said softly, staring toward the books, but no longer seeing them.
Then again, she thought, think of what you would probably remember of your childhood, if you had those memories. It probably wouldn't be books… and you probably wouldn't like it. And besides, Kurt is proof enough that just having your memories doesn't make everything okay. There are some memories that he's wished for his whole life that he could forget, after all…
"But I guess, if I could remember, that would probably be worse… with everything I went through. I'd literally be a different person. And I would never wish for that… I guess people can never have exactly what they want – I want to remember, or I feel like I do, anyway – and you want to forget…"
He'd leaned down slightly so that his cheek pressed against hers. "It's true that it's easy to feel dissatisfied if you focus on what you don't have," he said slowly, in a soft voice beside her ear. "No one's life is perfect. But I have everything I want. For a very long time, I did wish I could forget… Taylor… and just… all of it. But not anymore. The path my life took very literally led me to you… and I wouldn't trade that for anything."
She had to struggle to try to breathe normally, because the impact of his words threatened to take her breath away. Even though she knew how deep his feelings ran, she was still surprised to hear him articulate them. Leaning into him, she felt him pulling his arms around her a little tighter.
It didn't bother him that she didn't say anything. He'd said what he wanted to say, and it had been the honest truth. He'd felt her flinch in his arms at his admission, not because it bothered her, but because she wasn't used to being told that she was important to anyone. After convincing herself that she wasn't, it was a scary thing to face. He'd been there, and he knew it. She didn't need to say anything… as he did so often with her, he just knew.
He forced himself to loosen his arms from around her after a minute or so, knowing that otherwise he'd happily remain standing there all day, and they needed to keep moving. Leaning down to pick up the box once again, he set it on the corner of the desk and began taking the books off of the shelf, piling them neatly inside. As he did, Jane spotted something, and she stepped around him to the bookshelf to investigate. The pile he'd just picked up had revealed a small, square, black lacquered box, maybe three inches wide on each side.
"What's this?" she asked, adding, "It was behind the books."
Kurt just stared at it as though he'd seen a ghost, not moving for more than a minute, as Jane wondered what she'd just stumbled on and why it had the effect on him that it seemed to. More than likely, it had something to do with Taylor. Nothing else seemed to affect him that much, after all.
Stepping closer to the bookshelf, a hint of a smile mixed with a hint of sadness on his face, he reached out for it slowly. He picked it up gently, as if he was afraid it would break.
"She called it Taylor's wish box," he said quietly. "It was mine, something I think my mom gave me when I was little – I don't remember how old I was but… I had to have been young… because she gave it to me before she… left."
The last word was filled with so much hurt, and she wondered how his mother, whoever and wherever she now was, could have been so cruel as to subject her son to a lifetime of insecurity, of questions, and of hurt. While she knew that it happened, she simply could not understand how someone could just abandon their child like that.
Jane moved closer to him, threading her left hand into the crook of his right arm and leaning against his shoulder, just listening.
"After my mom left, I didn't want to look at the box. It sat empty on my shelf for a long time, until one time Taylor saw it and wanted to play with it. Little kids love little things that open, where they can hide things…" A hint of a smile flickered across his face as he remembered Taylor playing with it, the first time when she was only a few years old.
"Taylor… I don't think she understood why it bothered me – she was so much younger – only that it did. As she got older, and she saw that it still bothered me… she wanted the box to have something in it, something that would help make me feel better about it." He smiled at the memory of the day she'd told him that. It wasn't a vision, the way the rest of his memories of her had been in that house. This time he didn't see her there in front of him, it was simply a regular memory.
"She was only just learning to write, but she made me help her spell out the things she wished for on tiny little slips of paper so she could put them in," he said, realizing that they might still be in there, and looking down at the box with a mixture of curiosity and dread. It was like a time capsule back, going back to a time that he had long since forced himself to forget about… at least as much as it was possible.
"Wow," Jane whispered, not sure what else to say. She wondered if that meant that the papers were still inside the box, but it wasn't her place to ask. In a way, she wished that there was something like this for her to find that would tell her about her own past. Again, it was strange how she wished for something that Kurt seemed to have but not necessarily want.
But it wouldn't be your past, she reminded herself, it would be Remi's. Turning her attention back to Kurt, she waited to see what he would do.
After staring at the box for another minute, he reached his left hand up slowly to remove the lid, putting it down carefully on the shelf in front of him. There inside he could see slips of paper with small, uneven handwriting on them, and his breath caught in his throat. It had been so long since he'd allowed himself to look at anything of Taylor's – her mother had given him a few small things – and even though he'd known what the box had held, it was almost a surprise that they were still there.
Turning the box over into his left hand, he put it back down on the shelf so that he could examine the small slips of paper. Holding them as though they could turn to dust if he wasn't careful with them, he very slowly flipped the pile back over so that he could read them in the order they would have come out of the box if he'd been able to take them out one at a time.
On the paper that was on top of the pile, Taylor had scrawled the words, "I wish I had a pony named Buttercup." He chuckled softly, holding it still so that Jane could see it too. She leaned her cheek against his shoulder, partially to get a better look, and partially because she wanted to be closer to him. It felt like a moment when her support was important, after all. She tightened her arm around his, smiling sadly.
As he set that slip of paper face down on the desk, they looked at the next one. "I wish mommy didn't have to work so much." Despite the fact that he'd told himself that he could look at these and not fall apart, this one hurt just a little bit more when he read it. After all, if her mom had been there, if it hadn't been him who'd failed to take care of her that night, his father wouldn't have been able to…
He felt Jane squeeze her arm in his, and press her cheek harder against the side of his arm below his shoulder. Sighing heavily, he wanted to say something to her, but couldn't find the words.
"It's not your fault," he heard her whisper, and he could only nod, grateful for the reminder.
How funny that it's her saying it to me, he thought. She had said those words to him once before, in a slightly different context, but for the most part, he was the one to tell her that what had happened to her wasn't her fault.
Let it go, he heard Taylor telling him, and he took a deep breath as he set that slip of paper down. He was beginning to dread what he would see next.
"I wish my daddy was here," the next slip said.
He shook his head, trying to remember when she'd written that one, and what she'd been saying. "She never knew him," he told Jane quietly. "I don't even remember him. He must have been here at some point. I mean, he probably was. I remember when she came home from the hospital… but then again, it's possible that by that point, he was already gone. I just remember Emma Shaw being a single mom."
Poor kid, Jane thought, but decided not to say it out loud. She really didn't deserve any of it. Once again, the only comforting thought that Jane could come up with was that through Taylor's whole, short life, she had been loved by Kurt, and Jane knew from experience just how much that would have helped her. Outwardly, Jane only nodded, holding tight to his arm and keeping her face leaned against him.
Slowly, Kurt moved the slip of paper to the pile on the desk, hoping that he was ready for whatever the next one said. "I wish I had a magic wand," the slip of paper now on top of the shrinking pile said. Suddenly he remembered having this conversation with her, and he smiled, shaking his head.
"I remember this," he said absently. "She was telling me all the things that she would do with her magic wand." He tilted his head slightly, trying to remember them. "She wanted to make animals talk, so she could have conversations with them, she wanted an unlimited supply of ice cream…" He felt Jane chuckle against him, but didn't look at her. "Because, well, who doesn't?" he added. "She wanted… a puppy, I think. I guess that was to go along with the pony." His head was shaking before he even realized it, a smile on his face for once. He'd like to have a magic wand, himself, but he didn't let his thoughts go in that direction.
When he started to turn that paper over onto the others, he realized disappointedly that there was only one left in his hand. Looking down at it slowly, he had to catch his breath when he read it, the letters especially tiny so that she could fit it on the paper. There in front of him were words that made tears blur his vision. "I wish everyone could have a best friend as nice as Kurt."
Jane's left arm remained securely wrapped around his right, but her right hand came up to her mouth in an attempt to stifle a quiet gasp when she read the last slip of paper. Without thinking, she squeezed his arm tighter, and felt tears immediately springing to her own eyes. It was the sweetest thing she thought she'd ever read – that was what made it so heartbreaking. And even though Taylor's death was what had, ultimately, allowed her to be where she was, at that moment she wished with everything inside her that Taylor's fate had been different. That she hadn't been a victim of whatever Bill Weller had done to her, but instead that she had grown up with Kurt and been a young woman today.
Of course, as much sadness as she felt over Taylor, it didn't mean that she wasn't glad to be where she was. On the contrary, she could not have been more relieved and grateful that fate had allowed her to have found Kurt, and for them to have reached the place that they had. It was a difficult set of contrasting feelings – wishing for Taylor to have survived, all the while knowing that she would probably have still been Remi, doing God knows what, if that had happened.
Kurt set the slip on paper down on top of the others, feeling slightly dizzy. He turned to his right, where Jane was already holding on to him, wrapping his arms around her tightly and feeling her arms shift, wrapping around him as well, anchoring him to both the spot where they stood, and to the present time. Her left hand stayed still, flat against his lower back, while her right hand moved up and down, a little bit closer to the middle of his back.
She could feel him sigh heavily against her, and her heart broke for him once again. They stood still like that for a few minutes, just holding on, before she felt him straightening, and she slowly released her grip on him.
"You okay?" she asked him hopefully, looking up into his face. It seemed like too much to hope for, because after that, how could he be okay? She wasn't even sure that she was okay.
"Yeah," he said, a sad smile on his face as he nodded.
Jane somehow knew from looking at him that, although he'd been taken by surprise by the box, and especially by the final slip of paper inside it, he really was okay. This was confirmed when he let go of her and turned back to carefully gather the slips of paper, turning the pile back over and setting them back inside the box the way he'd found them, replacing the lid and putting it inside her box of books.
"I'll keep that," he said, "but I think we can share the box to put stuff in."
Nodding, Jane smiled at him. "We can share whatever you want," she told him, only realizing afterwards that it had sounded a little cheesier out loud than it had in her head. Laughing at herself quietly, she was rewarded with a genuine smile from him, and then a soft kiss on her temple.
Turning back to the things that might or might not be going in their box, he looked around. He'd already taken all the books from his bookshelf, and now there were only a few other miscellaneous things still there, things that didn't hold any particular memories for him. Looking around the room, he didn't see anything else he had any interest in saving.
"I think we're done here," he told her. Jane looked around at the other things that were still around the room.
"Nothing else?" she asked.
"No," he replied simply. Jane nodded, pulling away from him slowly and walking over to their bags. She picked up her own, hoisting it onto her shoulder, and then started picking up his, as well.
"And what exactly do you think you're doing?" he asked her, leaving the box on the desk and walking over to her.
"Picking up the bags?" she asked, realizing that he was about to take at least one of them from her, possibly both. "I thought you were taking the box."
He just shook his head at her, holding out his hand and waiting. Seeing that he wasn't going to back down, she huffed in pretend exasperation and handed him the strap of his bag.
"You don't have to take all the heavy stuff yourself, you know," he tried to reason with her. "We still have to get the bedding, too."
"Right," she said, chuckling as she leaned down to pick up the large bundle of blankets wrapped inside the sleeping bag that had gotten so much use over the past few days. Kurt put the strap of his bag on his shoulder and then picked up the box under one arm. Jane was the first one out into the hallway, where she turned and waited for him.
He stood and looked around the room slowly. It felt surreal to be standing there after so long, and it felt even more surreal to think that he would never be there again. It wasn't that he would miss it. He hadn't missed it at all in the last twenty-five years, and he was sure he wasn't going to miss it now. He'd been away from that room, that life, for longer than he had actually lived there. Still, it felt strange to think that it was the last time, and that after that moment, it would only be a memory. He realized that he was glad that Jane had been there to see it on this last ever visit, that he was glad he could share with her a little bit of his past, even if it wasn't a happy one, and the thought made him smile.
Finally stepping out into the hall, they filed down the stairs quietly, stopping at the bottom of the bottom to put down their things so that they could put on their jackets and boots. The rest of their cold weather gear was packed in their extra bag.
Sarah came out into the hall as they were putting their jackets on, watching them with a sad smile. "We're just going to put these things in the car, and we'll be back in in a second," Kurt told her. His sister nodded, looking at the box beside him.
"I see you found a few things," she said, nodding toward the box of books. Kurt just nodded without a word, shrugging. "Oh," Sarah said, "Do you want the games? There's only a few… I think the only ones in your apartment were ours," she said apologetically. "I promise we'll play them with you when we come to visit…" She grinned up at him, and he just shook his head at her.
"Sure, why not?" he asked with a shrug. Sarah's eyes shone happily, glad that she could give her brother another small piece of their family history, even if it was something as inconsequential as board games.
"Great!" Sarah exclaimed. "I'll get them." Jane looked at Kurt and smiled. It seemed to be important to Sarah that he took the games, so she was glad that he'd agreed.
Sarah was back in less than a minute, with the games in another box. "Here you go," she smiled at him, setting it down.
"Oh, Sarah, some of this winter stuff is yours," Jane said, suddenly remembering. "One of the jackets, or both of them, I think…" Jane started rummaging through the things they'd brought, trying to remember what Kurt had told her before they'd left his apartment. It was hard to remember now… it felt like so long ago.
"Keep it, Jane," Sarah said. "I have plenty of winter stuff. More than I need, obviously," she grinned.
"Are you sure?" Jane asked, surprised at the casual way Sarah had just declared so many things to be hers. "It's a whole bunch of stuff…"
"Like I said, I had too much," Sarah told her, "And if I haven't missed it yet, I'm not going to. I'm glad to give it to someone who can use it."
"Wow, thanks," Jane said in surprise.
Sarah shook her head. "It's my pleasure," she told her with a genuine smile. Jane pulled on the jacket that now belonged to her, looking down at it as if it was the first time she'd seen it. Kurt chuckled as he watched her, then smiled at his sister.
"Let's get some stuff to the car," he told her. As much as he wasn't looking forward to the drive, he knew that if he didn't move them along, it would be late before they got anywhere. And ultimately, he was looking forward to being home.
His car was now in the driveway, and they took two short trips outside to load everything into the car. All too soon, it was time to say goodbye.
Sarah had called Sawyer to the front door, and while he begged Kurt to come out and visit them in Portland, Jane and Sarah hugged goodbye. "Sarah, thank you," Jane said quietly, adding "I mean it… I really can't thank you enough for this weekend. I may have helped Kurt, but he helped me just as much."
"My one regret about moving out west," Sarah said, holding onto Jane and speaking quietly, near her ear so that the boys didn't hear her, "is that I'm not there to look after Kurt." After a short pause, she whispered, "Take care of him for me, til the next time I see you guys… okay?" She stepped back and looked at Jane, her eyes watering slightly.
Jane was taken aback by the emotion in Sarah's words and in her eyes, and in the fact that she would ask something like that of her. Her, a woman who Sarah had admitted that she'd been so angry with for how she had hurt Kurt not so very long ago. Sarah may not have known the whole story, but she knew enough for Jane to be both surprised and honored that she would make such a request of her. But Sarah's smile was genuine, and Jane didn't doubt that her words were, as well.
"Of course," Jane whispered, overwhelmed. "As much as he'll let me, anyway."
Sarah laughed then, her emotional state turning her burst of laughter into more of a choked sob. "Thank you, Jane," Sarah said softly.
Sawyer and Kurt had now realized that they had missed something in the exchange between the two women, and they were staring at them curiously.
Sarah looked over at her brother, dabbing her fingers below her eyes to try to dry a stray tear or two. Before she could move to hug him, she exclaimed, "Oh, Kurt! I almost forgot… Stay right there." She walked quickly back into the dining room, returning almost immediately with a bouquet of pink roses wrapped in paper, and held it out to him.
He looked surprised, shaking his head at her. "Sarah…" he whispered, and now it was his turn to suddenly be overcome by emotion. Kurt walked slowly forward, took the flowers from his sister, and then wrapped her in a tight hug. Jane had been saying goodbye to Sawyer, who had just sweetly asked Jane to try to convince Kurt to come out and visit them at their new house, adding that she was welcome to come, too, when suddenly both of them looked up to see what was happening between the Weller siblings. This time, it was Sawyer and Jane who had missed something.
Just then, Kurt was holding onto his sister tighter than either Jane or Sawyer had ever seen the two siblings hug before – even Sawyer, in his ten years of knowing them. Their behavior confused Sawyer, but didn't really think much of it. Jane, on the other hand, saw the flowers, and wondered if they were for what she thought they were for.
"How did you know that was my plan?" Kurt whispered to Sarah.
"Because I know you," she said fondly. "And I knew that you wouldn't come all the way out here and miss a chance, especially with Jane here... It will mean a lot to her, too, you know…"
Kurt nodded at his sister, but said something. He did know that, actually.
"I know you'll come back," Sarah continued quietly, "but who knows when you'll have time again. And you were sort of snowed in here the last couple days, so…" Sarah shrugged. "I just knew."
"And… the pink?" he asked, his voice cracking slightly.
Sarah smiled sadly then, taking a deep breath. "Because you're not the only one who remembers her, you know."
Kurt smiled sadly, nodding his head. "I know," he whispered. "Thanks, Sarah."
"Come out and see us, if you can," she said, before quickly adding, "I know, I know, work… We'll figure it out, and we'll see you soon though, okay? One way or the other." Sarah was glad that she was facing away from Jane and Sawyer just then, though she knew that the stray tears on her cheeks would be obvious as soon as she stood back.
Kurt nodded, pulling her tighter to him one more time before letting go and stepping back, smiling at her, both of their eyes now more than slightly moist. He clutched the flowers in one arm as if they were something precious to him, and turned to Jane. "You ready?" he asked her with a smile.
Jane had a guess about what the flowers were for, and she was curious to see if she'd read the situation right. Either way, she figured that she'd find out once they got in the car. Smiling at him fondly, she nodded. "If you are," she said, echoing her earlier words.
"Bye you guys," Sarah said, now looking as though she was going to cry for real. "Drive safely. And for goodness sake, try to get home without having to camp on the side of the road."
Jane shivered involuntarily at the thought. As much as that experience hadn't been completely terrible, it had been frightening, and she hoped not to repeat it.
Well, parts of it maybe, but not the entire thing…
"Thanks the plan," Kurt said with a grin.
"Mom," Sawyer said, walking over to nudge Sarah with his elbow, "did you remember to give them the food?"
"What? Oh, no I didn't!" Sarah replied.
"I'll get it!" Sawyer yelled excitedly, dashing back to the kitchen. He returned a minute later with a plastic shopping bag that appeared to be almost filled to capacity.
"Some food for the road," Sarah said with a smile, looking like she was going to get emotional all over again. "Thanks for remembering that, sweetie," she told Sawyer, who was beaming proudly.
Jane shook her head in awe as Kurt took the bag from his nephew. "Thank you," she said. "Looks like there's enough for a few days here."
"Well, after your trip out here, I guess you can't be too careful…" Sarah replied, only partially kidding. "There's not really much between here and home for you guys, so… better safe than sorry. And we'll just be giving all our leftovers to the neighbor tomorrow, anyway."
"Thanks, again," Kurt told his sister. "What would I do without you?"
Sarah just shrugged happily. "Luckily for you, you don't have that problem," she said. "Now, get out of here, you guys. And text me when you get back, please?"
"Yes, mom," Kurt replied dramatically, but smiled. His hands were now full, so Jane opened the door, the cold air immediately biting against her cheeks as she stood and held it open for Kurt, looking back at the two Wellers that they were leaving behind. Jane didn't know what it felt like to have family of her own to say goodbye to – not really, despite the fact that she had said goodbye to Shepherd and Roman more than a few times that she could remember – but saying goodbye to Sarah and Sawyer just then, she imagined that that was what it was supposed to feel like.
Outside, she took the bag of food from Kurt and climbed into the passenger seat. He'd already started the car when they'd come outside with their bags, so it was already comfortably warm inside. She reached back and set the bag of food behind Kurt's seat, within easy reach, then buckled her seat belt, turning to look at Kurt.
He was sitting and watching her get settled, a smile on his face. When she was finally still and turned to look at him, he carefully handed her the flowers. After a second's hesitation, he said, "I guess you've probably figured out what they're for…" She nodded, smiling sadly. "The next ones will be for you, I promise," he told her.
For a second, she didn't know what to say. She still wasn't used to… whatever it was they were. "It's fine, Kurt," she replied, flustered. "You don't have to…" She held Taylor's flowers carefully against her, hoping that he didn't think she was upset that they weren't for her. "That kind of thing doesn't matter to me," she added quietly. "Not after what we've been through."
The look in his eyes was the most sincere she'd ever seen. "I know that, Jane. And like I said before," he said without a second thought, "I know I don't have to. I want to. I just… haven't gotten a chance yet… Clearfield's not exactly conducive to that type of surprise. Especially during a blizzard."
She smiled back at him, in awe yet again over this, whatever it was. "It's only been… four days, not even," she told him, feeling a little self-conscious both because she knew this off the top of her head, and because she felt like things had changed so very dramatically in four days. It almost didn't seem possible.
"My favorite four days," he said with a grin, glancing at her before starting to back out of the driveway.
"Mine, too," she replied, feeling herself blush slightly as she smiled happily.
On the road a minute later, Kurt told her, "We don't have far to go, it's just a few minutes from here." Jane just nodded, not sure what to say.
Watching the scenery around the car, she was impressed to see that while everything else was still snow covered, the roads had been cleared. Looking over when she heard Kurt shift, she saw him reaching his hand towards her, silently asking to hold hers. Since his eyes were on the road, she reached out her hand to meet his halfway, turning towards him in her chair and leaning her cheek against her seat so that she could look at him. Their hands came to rest midway between them, on the center console, both of them feeling a rush just from such a simple form of contact, and she enjoyed the chance to watch him, as she had done so many times that weekend.
They didn't speak for the rest of the short ride to what looked like a barely cleared dirt road that led nowhere, but they didn't need to. So many things had been said between them over the past few days, and at that moment, no additional words were necessary. When he pulled the car to a stop, letting go of her hand for just long enough to shift the car into Park before recapturing it again, they just sat for a minute, not moving. When they both squeezed the other's hand almost simultaneously, they couldn't help but look up and smile.
They were there together, after all, and for a few minutes they sat and thought about how much that meant. Once again, they agreed without having to say a word.
It didn't just mean a lot. It meant everything.