Disclaimer: I do not own Blindspot. More like it's the other way around… I've come to realize THEY own ME. :)
A/N: I know, I know, it's now April, and I haven't quite managed to finish December. I'm close, however, this is NOT the last chapter. It is, however, almost 100% fluff, and I'm not sorry. :)
After breakfast, once they had both gotten showered and changed, Jane once again helping him into his shirt, they were faced with the question, which was uncharted territory for both of them, of what to do with the hours of free time they had stretching out before them that day. So far they'd gotten to 8:30 am, which meant they had eleven and a half hours until their friends showed up for the party they were apparently hosting. Somewhere in that time, as Zapata had recommended, they agreed that they should take a nap. Not that they didn't both regularly go without sleep for far longer than was healthy, of course, but one of them was recovering from significant injuries. If there was one thing Jane didn't want, it was to slow down Kurt's recovery, which would apparently take weeks.
So despite the fact that it was almost a foreign concept to both of them, they agreed that they would at least try to take a nap, probably after lunch. Beyond that, the day was open for discussion.
"More coffee?" Jane asked, standing up from her chair at the round table. "I'm going over there anyway."
"Since you're going there anyway," he replied, smiling up at her sweetly. "Yes, please."
"For you? Of course," she said, stepping towards him and reaching for his mug. His hand reached out to brush hers before she could pick up the mug, and she glanced at him and smiled. Taking both mugs back to the kitchen with her, she returned a few minutes later with their coffees. As she set his down in front of him, he beckoned her towards him with a glint in his eyes. He was up to something, she could tell. After setting down her own coffee carefully on the table beside his, she stepped closer to him, wondering what he had in mind.
As soon as she was within arms' reach, he was holding her hands, tugging her in his direction. When she was nearly right in front of him, he turned slightly to his left, so that he was facing perpendicular to her. "I don't actually know if this is a good idea or a bad idea, but… let's try it," he told her.
"Try what?" she asked him curiously.
"Sit," he said, glancing down, and then back up at her.
"On your lap, you mean?" she asked. Again, she had no problem with the idea of sitting on his lap, but did have a problem with the thought that she might hurt him.
"It's the same idea as how we were sitting on the couch yesterday, just… closer," he told her, watching her look at him hesitantly.
"Okay, but if I hurt you, you'd better say something. Understand?" she asked him seriously.
"I promise," he replied sincerely, tugging on her hands again.
Her forehead creased in uncertainty as she turned so that his legs were behind her, then lowered herself ever so slowly against them until finally, she was sitting down. His arms clasped around her like a seatbelt, holding her in place, and she looked into his eyes uncertainly.
"Are you okay?" she asked him with concern, despite the fact that he hadn't given any indication that he was in pain. On the contrary, he was smiling at her. "I feel like this might be pushing it…" she added.
"It doesn't hurt, okay?" he assured her, leaning forward to rest his chin on her shoulder, tilting his head towards her. "I feel a lot better, actually." She made a face at him, sure that her sitting on his lap wasn't making him feel better, at least not physically, which was the way she was concerned about hurting him. Still, with his assurance she gradually let herself relax, her posture becoming less rigid.
"You're sure?" she asked him, turning to look straight into his eyes. "Because I can—"
She didn't get a chance to say another word, however, before he leaned forward and kissed her. It was not an unwelcome surprise, and after a few initial seconds of confusion, she found herself kissing him back. After all, if she had to be interrupted, it was a pretty good way for it to happen.
"I'm sure," he whispered, when he finally leaned back to look at her, now sitting slightly above his eye level. Instead of looking worried, she now wore a happy smile on her face.
"That's all I wanted to know," she replied softly, staring into his eyes with a smile. They were mesmerizing, and she'd long since discovered that she could simply stare into them and forget everything around her. At that moment, she was perfectly happy to do just that.
He chuckled at her, leaning over to kiss her cheek and then loosening his right hand from around her waist to pick up her coffee from the table, which was now behind her due to the way she was sitting, and handing it to her. "Here," he told her. "Thought you might want this."
"Thanks," she said, taking it gratefully. "I'd forgotten all about that."
"You forgot about your coffee? Wow, I'm even better than I thought," said in mock surprise. She just shook her head in amusement.
He picked up his coffee as well then, took a sip and then put it back down so that he could once again clasp his hand around her waist. She was amazed at how secure she felt, sitting there like that, with his arms encircling her. It was a feeling that she didn't think she could ever get tired of. Without even realizing it, she closed her eyes, just focusing on how perfect the moment felt. It was happening again – just when she'd thought she couldn't love him more, suddenly she did.
Her eyes were closed and there was a smile on her face. She was holding herself up so she clearly wasn't falling asleep, so the fact that she was sitting there with her eyes closed was fascinating to him. Leaning forward towards her slowly, he rested his forehead against the side of her head, above her ear, and spoke directly into it.
"So, what do you want to do today?" he asked, leaning just a little farther forward so that the tip of his brushed along the outer ridge of her ear. He actually felt the shiver that ran though her then, and it only made him smile harder.
It had been an ordinary enough question, and yet somehow he had made it something that had literally given her chills. He must have noticed, too, because she swore that he'd pulled her a little tighter almost immediately afterwards.
He left his forehead leaned against her hair, seeing no reason to lean away from her. On the contrary, he wanted to stay as close to her as he could. Remembering that Reade, Patterson and Zapata would be joining them that evening, he felt himself stiffen slightly, almost protectively, at the idea of having to share her with anyone. At that moment, he would gladly have sat and done exactly what they were doing for the rest of time, ignoring the rest of the world.
"What's wrong?" she asked him. She'd felt a change in his posture a few seconds before. It would have been the kind of thing she would have sensed even if she'd just been watching him, but with as many points of contact as they currently had, there was no way she wasn't going to notice. Her eyes were still closed, and she leaned her head towards his slightly.
"I was just thinking," he said, his head still leaned against hers, "about how I have to share you with the team this evening. I don't want to." He knew it sounded ridiculous, but he didn't care. It was the truth.
He felt her chuckle then, and was honestly surprised when she replied, "Yeah, I was thinking that earlier. But it's only for a few hours, and then they'll go, and we'll be alone again. And besides, a New Year's party will be fun."
"You were thinking it, too?" he asked in surprise.
"Of course," she replied, as if it should have been obvious. "I told you, I like having you all to myself."
His head was still leaned against hers, and he nuzzled his nose against her cheek. He just chuckled, feeling better about the evening the way she had described it. "And you're right, I guess it will be fun. Especially because we don't have to go anywhere or do anything. That may be the best kind of party."
She felt her heart beat faster as his nose moved back and forth against her cheek, and she wondered if it was possible to glow with happiness. After all, she'd heard the expression used about pregnant women – not that she was pregnant, of course. However, if it was possible for just anyone to glow with happiness, she was fairly sure that she was doing it. She was surprised, therefore, when she felt his hands unclasp from around her waist, and then his right arm move away from her side completely.
Jane opened her eyes and turned to look at him. The look on her face was almost accusatory, and it made him smile. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I didn't mean to break the trance you were in. Just having some of that coffee you brought me, before it gets too cold. Someone's been distracting me, again."
Smiling at him again almost immediately, she replied, "That's allowed. Coffee is important."
Putting down his coffee, he pulled his arms around her once more. "Where was I?" he asked, pulling her closer and leaning his head back against hers where it had been a minute before. "Yes, I think this is it. What do you think?"
"Almost perfect," she said with a happy sigh.
"Almost?" he asked in amusement. He leaned his face closer until not only his forehead but his whole face was pressed against the side of her face, kissing her cheek. "Better?" he asked, his lips still against her skin. While she didn't reply out loud, she nodded ever so slightly. It was a nod so tiny that he probably wouldn't have seen it, if he'd been looking at her, but he felt it. Another thing he could feel from her, which was practically radiating off of her somehow, was happiness. That, in turn, made him happy.
She hadn't quite had the power of speech when he'd asked her if that was better, but he must have understood her almost non-existent nod, because she could actually feel him smiling against her cheek – which may have been the coolest thing she'd ever "seen" without actually seeing it. While she knew that she should suggest that they move back to the couch, which would undoubtedly be more comfortable for him, she herself was so comfortable that she couldn't bring herself to suggest moving – and she was half convinced that she could stay there indefinitely.
The moment was perfect. Maybe too perfect. Is it possible for something to be too perfect, and yet still be true? she wondered. And if it isn't possible, then what does that mean about this moment? That it isn't actually perfect? Or that it isn't actually possible?
Calm down, she told herself. You are way overthinking this. Just enjoy it.
Of course, it was easier to tell herself to calm down than it was to actually do it, especially once the doubts had entered her mind. Suddenly, she needed reassurance, and she knew exactly how to get it. Opening her eyes, she turned her head ever so slowly, since Kurt's face was still pressed up against the side of her head, until he slowly leaned back from her, opening his eyes as well. She noticed, when he leaned far enough back for her to focus on him, that his smile was as blissfully dopey as she was sure that hers had been.
However, as soon as he saw her face, his expression changed. "What's wrong?" he asked worriedly.
Unable to help herself, she smiled again then. Relief flooded through her, as she'd known that it would. "Nothing," she assured him. "That was all I needed."
His face relaxed slightly, but he still looked confused. "What was?" he asked.
"To look at you," she replied simply, staring into his eyes.
All of a sudden, he had the feeling that his heart was going to burst. This much sweetness had to be impossible.
It's like you told Jane yourself, the voice in his head piped up, this is a lot of good making up for years and years of bad. It feels strange because you're not used to it. But this is karma, because you deserve it. All of this good.
I don't know if I deserve it, he replied in his head, but I'll sure as hell take it.
Whatever works, then, the voice replied.
He had a peculiar look on his face, and she studied him carefully then. "Are you okay?" she asked.
"I was just thinking…" he began slowly. The look on her face was encouraging, though he knew that if he'd decided not to go on, she wouldn't have pushed him. "I was thinking that this was just… impossible. For anything to be this good, I mean. And I was remembering when I'd told you that we just needed to balance out all those bad memories you have with even more good ones."
It was funny to her how close his thought was to what she herself had just been thinking. "I remember that," she said softly. He wasn't done, she could tell, so she just waited.
"And I never really thought about it but…" He trailed off, then inhaled deeply. He knew what he wanted to say, it was just something that had never occurred to him before, and he was still sort of in awe of the idea, so it was hard to get it out. "…But I guess… I guess I need that, too. I'd just hadn't ever thought about it that way."
She couldn't help but smile, her heart once again feeling like it was overflowing. It was so very much like Kurt to take it upon himself to balance out all of the bad memories she had with good ones, never realizing until so much later that he needed that as well. But of course he did.
"I think if anything, you need it more than I do," she replied evenly, without missing a beat. He looked at her in confusion as she continued. "Think about it," she urged him gently. "I have a small collection of painful memories, all things considered. It barely stretches back more than a year, even when you squeeze them all together. You, on the other hand… yours started, what? When you were ten, if not before?"
Now he saw where she was going with this. This is so like her, he thought. She always puts everyone else before herself.
I know someone else who does that, too, said the voice in his head. Which is exactly what she's trying to tell you.
"You have at least twenty-five years of bad memories to make up for," she told him matter-of-factly, watching as he began shaking his head.
"It's not the same," he insisted. "What happened to me… it wasn't as bad."
She smiled at him with watery eyes. "I think twenty-five years beats a year. Just because the same things weren't done to us doesn't mean that both weren't painful. And you had to live through yours a lot longer, without the 'benefit' of getting to forget."
He still didn't think he agreed with her, but he had to admit that twenty-five years was an overwhelming amount of time to be plagued by unhappiness. "There have been times where I wished I didn't remember it all," he admitted quietly. "Since I met you, I mean. I would think about what it must be like… And I know that you wanted so desperately to remember, and I wanted to tell you that remembering wasn't always that great… All I could think was how nice it would be to forget."
The smile on her face was sad now, and she nodded in understanding. "I guess I should have realized that when I started having flashbacks about killing people," she said ruefully. "But I was just so desperate… Now that I at least sort of know who I am – not who Remi was, but who I am now – I'm glad I don't remember more than I do," she admitted. "And I'm certainly glad that I – I mean, Remi – was erased and restarted. Because I hate the thought of still being her, and not being me. Of not being Jane. And of not being here… with you."
She shivered, and suddenly her smile was gone. He couldn't help but notice that she looked afraid. It must be such a scary thing, he thought, to know that you used to be a person that you're so completely opposite from. I'd be afraid that they were still in there somewhere. He didn't say this to Jane, however, for fear of giving her more to worry about.
"But you were," he told her soothingly. "Restarted, I mean. And you are. You are Jane, and you are with me. And I'm not going to let anything or anyone change that."
Without thinking, she curled sideways, into him, slowly but surely, even somehow managing to curl her legs up behind her across his lap, leaning her head on his collarbone and trying her best not to press on his ribs – she'd only remembered that part at the very last second before her head had leaned against him, and she'd turned to put her arms around him closer to his waist, so that her right shoulder didn't jab into him.
"Am I hurting you?" she asked with concern as he pulled his arms around her tightly. She had somehow rolled herself into a little ball right there on his lap.
"Not at all," he replied.
"I mean physically," she clarified, not sure if he was joking with her or not.
"No, Jane," he chuckled. He held himself up straight against the back of the chair. "I promise. Okay?"
"But we should still go sit on the couch, before this does hurt you," she said in a muffled voice. She'd tucked her face against him, and even as she made the suggestion, she hated the idea of moving, of not being exactly where she was just then.
"You're probably right," he said agreeably, but he continued holding onto her just as tightly. At that moment he got to feeling that she had the opposite feeling from the one he'd had earlier – that what she needed at that moment was to be held onto. "But no rush."
In another minute she was steady enough again, and when he felt her stirring he loosened his arms around her so she could stand up. When she finally did, he stood up slowly as well, both of them making their way leisurely to the couch. Jane hadn't hurt him by lying against him, per se, but he realized that he did feel a little achier than he had before. Sitting that way was, sadly, probably not something they should repeat for a few weeks, at least. He didn't regret it, however, thinking of the feeling of her curled up on his lap.
This time, Kurt sat down further down towards the left side of the couch and then looked up at Jane, who looked perplexed. He took a throw pillow that sat nearby and put it in his lap, looking at her to see if she'd put together what he'd been thinking.
"Changing it up, huh?" she asked, smiling as she realized – thanks to the pillow he was holding – what he had in mind. She sat down beside him, with about a foot in between them, and then turned away from him, pulling her feet up onto the couch and leaning back slowly, looking over her shoulder to see if she had aligned herself correctly.
"Scoot back a little more," he told her, and she obliged, so that when she leaned back the rest of the way, her shoulders and her head were in his lap, her head against the pillow. Gazing up at him, she couldn't help but think that she was the one who was doing more of the relaxing and taking it easy than he was.
"This seems backwards to me," she said, feeling a jolt of electricity as he laid his left arm over her midsection, just slightly above her stomach, and she felt his right hand behind her head, playing with her hair.
"Why?" he asked. "Your hair's more fun to play with than mine. Mine's so short."
"Very funny," she told him. "That wasn't exactly what I meant. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about you playing with my hair. Not at all." In response, his fingers pressed a little harder against her scalp as they moved, giving what he was doing a massage-like feeling to it. He was looking down at her with a grin, and she could see that he was doing it on purpose, enjoying her reaction. It became clear to her that she needed to form words now, before she became so relaxed that she couldn't think straight. "What I meant was, because you're the one who's supposed to be taking it easy and relaxing, not me. And I think I'm about as relaxed as I can get."
He shrugged as if it was no big deal. "Good," he said. "Besides, don't you see me sitting here relaxing? Look, I'll even put my feet up." He lifted his feet up onto the coffee table, causing her to shift slightly. She raised her head to make it easier for him to move, glancing over to see when he was finished. Satisfied that his feet were propped up on the coffee table, she lowered her head again.
"Better," she mused thoughtfully. "Still, maybe we'll have to switch later."
"What's that? You want to switch?" he asked her teasingly.
"Um, no," she told him, feeling overpowered by the endorphins that were flooding her system just then. "Not quite yet. A little later, maybe?" she suggested, not quite realizing that he was teasing her.
"Deal," he said, picking up the TV remote and flipping it on now that they were settled. Jane heard the sound as purely background noise, instead focusing on Kurt's face above her. He looked at the TV for a minute as she heard him flicking through the channels, the hand that had been in her hair now holding the remote, which she quickly decided was not a good tradeoff. However, less than a minute later he found something acceptable on TV, and he must have put down the remote because his hand went back to her hair.
"You don't care what I put on, do you?" he asked in amusement.
"I have no preference for TV. I do, however, prefer that your hand is in my hair, instead of on the remote," she told him bluntly.
He couldn't help but grin at her directness. "Is that so?" he asked. "Like this?" He went back to moving his fingers against her scalp in small circles. She didn't reply, just looked him in the eyes and smiled right back. "Good to know," he said, pretending she'd just told him a secret.
Shaking her head slightly at him, she looked down at his arm draped across her stomach, his hand resting comfortably against her side. Her own hands were free, and so she took his left hand, the one she was looking at, in her right, lacing their fingers together, then began lightly drawing lines that weren't actually there along the back of his hand with her left index finger.
"Are you drawing tattoos on me?" he asked. She could hear a smile in his voice before she even looked up at him, and when she did, she saw him watching her carefully.
"Maybe," she said with a shrug. It was hard to imagine his skin with ink all over it, the way hers had. She stopped moving her finger over his hand and held her left hand still, beside his, staring at the contrast.
There was something about the way she exhaled just then. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he just had a feeling. Reading her expression wasn't possible because she was looking down, appearing to stare at their hands side by side. She'd come a long way since the beginning, when something like just staring at her tattoos could have potentially unnerved her, and he liked to think that with him, she was relatively sure of herself. Still, he also knew that she had plenty of moments that either took her back to those other, less okay times, or that just struck the wrong cord. Like him, she had plenty of baggage left to deal with.
She was still for a minute, then two, and her breathing had become quiet and shallow, at which point he squeezed her right hand, which was still holding onto his. He heard her inhale slowly then, and she glanced up at him. Her expression was… uncertain was the best way he could describe it. His eyebrows arched slightly, asking a question that he didn't even need to say out loud.
Are you okay?
Looking more like herself all of a sudden, she smiled, and clamped her left hand over the top of his. That was enough answer for him. He relaxed and glanced up at something on TV.
What it was on TV that had caught his attention, she didn't know, she just watched him watching it – which was probably strange, but she didn't really care. There was something very soothing about lying with her head in his lap, their hands tightly locked together, and his other hand still absently playing with her hair.
It was so soothing, in fact, that she fell asleep not to long after that. When she woke up, the first thing she saw was Kurt looking down at her with a smile. Shifting slightly, she smiled right back. "Sorry," she said in a sleepy voice, "I didn't meant to fall asleep."
"No problem," he replied.
"You're the one who's supposed to need extra sleep," she protested stubbornly.
"Well, maybe after lunch we'll switch places," he suggested.
"Lunch?" she asked in surprise.
"Yeah, it's just about that time," he told her. As if to support his position, she heard a loud growling sound from beside her, which was, of course, his stomach.
"I swear we just ate," she protested.
"Well, yes," he chuckled, "that's what happens when you sleep half the morning."
"Was it that long?" she asked in alarm.
"Hmmm… maybe more than half," he corrected himself. Then, seeing the look on her face, he added, "Hey, no big deal. We have plenty of time. Besides, not only did you not have a nightmare, you were actually smiling in your sleep." He'd been looking forward to seeing her reaction to that information, and it was exactly as he'd expected.
She clearly hadn't been expecting him to say that, because she looked genuinely shocked. "Smiling?" she asked, as if the concept of smiling was something she couldn't wrap her head around.
"In your sleep, yes," he told her. "Maybe you're finally getting the hang of this sleeping thing," he said lightly. He hoped he hadn't gone over the line with that comment, because he knew sleep could be a sensitive subject with her.
"Haha," she said, making a face at him. "Or maybe I just sleep better when you're there."
He'd wondered whether his presence was helping her sleep – he certainly liked to think so. Of course, she'd had a few pretty bad nightmares even with him there, but none in the past few nights. Hopefully that was a trend that would continue.
"That theory isn't foolproof, of course," he said gently. When their eyes locked, he was pretty sure they were both thinking about that night in the backyard of the house in Clearfield, out in the snowstorm. "But like any good scientific study, it requires a lot of data, which means testing and more testing. And retesting, for comparison."
"Smooth," Jane said, grinning at him. "I never realized you were so… scientific. I thought that was Patterson's department."
Pretending to be surprised, he looked back at her in what was supposed to be confusion. "I guess she's rubbing off on me… I mean, this just seems like important research… for science," he said insistently.
Letting go of his hand and then pushing herself up on her elbows, she reached her face up toward his until she was close enough that he could reach down to meet her. Just before their lips met, she whispered, "You are such a dork." Consequently, both of them started the kiss simultaneously fighting peals of laughter, which made for a very unsteady kiss. They were still laughing when she leaned back and sat looking up at him, shaking her head.
"Do I not usually smile in my sleep?" she asked him, recovering the power of speech and turning around to sit beside him. She pulled her right leg up and turned her body towards him. It struck her that just the fact that she could ask him that question, that he had been around her enough, seen her sleep enough, that he could say how she usually looked when she slept… Just that fact made her feel a little bit giddy.
"Never before that I've seen," he told her.
"Hmmm…" she mused aloud. Then, shaking her head at him, she sighed. "You're right," she said reluctantly, "we're going to need to do more research."
"I was hoping you'd say that," he told her. "But first, we're going to need lunch."
They wandered over to the refrigerator, taking out both the leftover sandwiches and leftover pasta, and helping themselves to what they each thought was the right amount. Once again, Jane was very conscious of Kurt watching her as she cut another small piece of the same sandwich she'd eaten a piece of the day before. Hoping to appease him, she also took a small bunch of grapes from a bowl he'd pulled out of the refrigerator, setting it on her plate as well.
He smiled approvingly at her, knowing that she felt his stare. There wasn't much that could be done about the fact that he worried about her, and he wasn't about to stop. All he could do was try not to be overbearing about it. She was trying, he knew, though possibly more for his benefit than her own. Knowing this only made him more determined to get her to start caring more about her own well-being.
After lunch, they were both starting to feel a little bit restless. Neither of them was used to sitting still for anywhere near this long, and as much as they were enjoying each other's undivided attention, they had a little bit of cabin fever.
"What do you think my bossy nurse would say about going for a walk around the block?" he asked her when they were both finished eating.
Even though he'd just called her "bossy nurse," she smiled at him. After all, it was her job, though a self-appointed one, to keep him resting. If that made her bossy, then so be it. It was for his own good, after all, which wasn't something that he often seemed to be too concerned with.
Just like you, the voice in her head reminded her. Don't forget, you have the same problem. Which is why he acts the same way with you… and that's part of why you two are so good together. The thought made her smile unconsciously. They were good together.
"You're been a very good patient so far," she said slowly, concentrating on looking like she was thinking hard about his request. "As long as we take it slow, and you promise not to try to run after any criminals, should we encounter them, then I suppose… that it would be fine." When she watched his face light up, she couldn't help but feel like he was more excited about walking around the block than anyone she'd ever seen before.
Not that that's all that many people, she said dully in her head, out of habit. Immediately she felt the smile fall from her face.
Why do you still do that to yourself? the voice in her head asked. So you've had fewer experiences with everything than anyone else has. So what? Just let it go.
I'm trying, she thought, but it's a hard habit to break. She realized only afterwards that she'd sighed out loud.
"You're not rethinking your decision, I hope?" he asked. Focusing on him again, it became obvious to her that she'd gotten lost in her own thoughts for a minute.
"No, I just…" Shaking her head, she glanced down at the table, and then back up at him. "That was just my brain, sabotaging me again." It felt good to be able to tell him that.
"I have something to say to your brain," he told her seriously as she tilted her head curiously at him. When he slowly stood up, she did the same, stepping forward to stand close to him. It hadn't been all that long since she'd been laying with her head in his lap on the couch, of course, but it felt like it had, and she felt the same nervous excitement ripple through her as she stepped close to him that she did every time. As he did nearly every time, he looped his arms around waist automatically as soon as she was close enough, hers looping around the middle of him immediately afterwards.
"Is your brain ready to listen?" he asked, acting as though he was totally serious. She knew generally what he was going to say, and that it was a lighthearted way for him to try to combat the demons in her head. The fact that she knew what he was doing didn't diminish it, either. If anything, she found it even more endearing. After all, the fact that he cared enough to be so diligent about trying to build her up meant more to her than the actual words he used.
He leaned his cheek against hers, and then tipped his head down in the direction of her ear. "Alright, Jane's brain," he said evenly. "I know you think that you're helping her by protecting her. But I want to remind you that things have changed. A lot of them. Yes, Jane has been through a lot, and she's made it through all those things because you did what you did to help her. There were a lot of reasons for her to question herself, and everyone around her. I don't know if you've noticed, but like I said, a lot has changed. She still needs to be alert, and to think critically, and I know that what you're doing is a defense mechanism, but I want you to know that I'm watching out for her. She doesn't have to be quite so skeptical of herself. Don't sabotage her. She's doing great, and she's going to be fine. Don't forget to remind her of that, too."
She couldn't help but smile as warmth spread through her. Turning her face to nuzzle the scruff on his face, she kissed his cheek.
"Did your brain receive my message?" he asked softly, not moving his face from the side of hers.
"Loud and clear," she replied. "My brain appreciated it very much." She could feel him smiling against her cheek. For more than a minute neither of them moved, and then suddenly she chuckled.
"What?" he asked, finally leaning back to look at her curiously.
"We're so disgustingly cute, I'm not convinced the other three are going to survive four hours with us," she said with a grin. He laughed along with her then, pulling her a little tighter.
"Well, that's just going to be too bad for them," he said.
"If we're going for a walk, we should go," she reminded him. "You still need a nap."
"You're right," he said seriously, "our day is just jam packed, isn't it?" His eyes twinkled with laughter.
"Shut up," she said, knowing that he was making fun of her, and leaning up to kiss him. Not surprisingly, he didn't resist her technique for quieting him down.
He made a noise of approval, being unable to talk just then, surprise evident on his face.
"I told you, I'm full of surprises," she reminded him a minute later, when their lips were no longer locked together. "Now go and get your jacket on, if you want to go out."
"Uh-oh, the bossy nurse is back," he said teasingly as he reluctantly dropped his arms from around her and they both made their way back toward the door. Finding their jackets where they'd hung them on Thursday night, they were finally ready to brave the outside world once more. After a short elevator ride, they stepped out into the cold, crisp air hand in hand.
The walk around the block was uneventful, and while the wind was colder than either of them would have preferred, they walked slowly – to the annoyance of the people around them. But Jane and Kurt were oblivious to the other people around them just then, just enjoying the chance to be out of the apartment and getting some fresh air, and still enjoying the relative newness of being together. They made it back to Kurt's building without anything more serious than pink cheeks, rubbing their gloved palms together for warmth as they walked through the lobby.
Kurt hadn't said anything because he hadn't wanted to bring it up, but he'd been curious if Jane would get that "bad feeling" that she'd had back outside her own place, or that she wasn't sure whether she'd had the other day, sitting and looking out his window. She hadn't mentioned anything, and she hadn't seemed off whatsoever, so he went on to assume that that meant that she hadn't had any such thoughts. He hoped that that was what it meant, anyway.
Back inside, they hung up their jackets and Jane walked into the kitchen, moving around with purpose, looking in one cupboard after another, obviously with something particular in mind.
"Wouldn't it be easier to tell me what you're looking for?" he asked her, standing by the sink and leaning back slightly against the counter, watching her.
She turned around, grinning sheepishly, and replied, "Well, yes. I guess it would. I was just looking to see if you had any hot chocolate."
"Next cabinet over," he told her. "You were almost there."
Moving over to the cupboard that he had indicated, she now felt even more self-conscious, feeling his eyes on her back. Trying to ignore the sensation, she pulled out both hot chocolate and mini-marshmallows, which sat beside it on the shelf. With probably a minute or so until the water was ready, and the mugs and spoons already set out on the counter, she wondered what he would do if she sat up on the counter again. She had a feeling that he'd walk right over and stand in front of her, the way he'd done the last time she'd sat up there, and she was curious to see if her theory was right.
Therefore, when, as soon as she pulled herself up onto the counter, he stood up from where he'd been watching her against the opposite counter and walked over to stand inches away from her once again, she couldn't help but smile in amusement.
"What's so funny?" he asked, looking into her eyes curiously.
"I wondered if you would walk over here as soon as I sat up here," she told him, "and you did."
With a shrug and a grin, he said, "See? Predictable," then lowered his forehead against hers.
After really thinking about it for a minute, enjoying the soothing feeling of their foreheads pressed together, she broke the silence that had descended on them. "I don't know if that's right, though."
"No?" he asked, tilting his head slight to try to be able to look at her without moving his head back from hers, which was only partially successful.
"No," she replied. "Because yes, there are some things about you that I can predict. But there's plenty about me that you can predict, too. Because we know each other so well. But think about the past week… or nine days, now. I'm not going to try and say that nothing surprising has happened in that time. So I guess… there's a lot about you that has surprised me."
Now he did lean back, just enough to look at her, studying her face to try to work out her state of mind, and what kind of surprises she might be talking about. "In a good way, I hope," he said softly.
"In the best way," she assured him.
Neither of them had noticed the low rumbling noise that had started beside them, as involved as they were with looking at each other, so it was a surprise when suddenly there a piercing whistle from just beside them. Being the more mobile one, since he was standing up, Kurt stepped over to the stove to turn off the burner and move the kettle to a cool one. Meanwhile, Jane dumped powder into the two mugs, which she'd forgotten to do before, and then watched as he added hot water to them. She stirred each of them until the powder had dissolved completely as he replaced the kettle on the stove.
"We make a good team," he observed, stepping right back in front of her where he'd been just a few minutes before.
"We do," she agreed with a nod, watching him carefully for no reason other than she liked to.
"And now we should let those cool down just a little before we add the marshmallows," he said. "Otherwise the marshmallows will just melt away before we get to enjoy them."
"Oh, yeah?" she asked suspiciously.
"Absolutely," he told her seriously. "And besides, if I'm standing here waiting for the hot chocolate to cool down, it gives me a minute to stand here with you." He stood with his face so close to hers, their noses were separated by a millimeter at the most, both of them watching the other intently.
"We've done almost nothing but stand, sit and lay near each other for the past eight days," she said, her eyes not leaving his face.
"Yep, it's a pretty good start," he replied, looking back at her evenly.
"A good start, huh?" she asked, the tiny smile on her face suddenly seeming to take it over completely. How did he always seem to know the right thing to say?
"Absolutely," he said, completely serious. "That's not nearly enough." There was a hint of a smile on his face, but mostly he just stood and studied hers – still just as close but not quite touching her.
Shaking her head at him just a tiny bit and feeling her face flush with happiness, she leaned forward just enough to press the tip of her nose against his. It was a funny sensation, but one that she was quickly starting to love.
"Ready for marshmallows?" she asked him without moving back.
"Almost," he replied. And then, because she knew exactly what he was referring to, she leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss, just a few seconds long. This was apparently too short for him, because when she leaned back and slid off the counter, he gave her a sad puppy dog eyed look.
"Not enough," he protested, confirming her suspicion as she pretended to ignore him, walking around him with a grin and proceeding to put a small handful of marshmallows into each of their mugs, then turned and handed him his. He narrowed his eyes at her playfully, shaking his head. "I think the power is going to your head," he said, pretending to be alarmed. "You're enjoying this way too much."
"I'd heard that love was a powerful drug," she said. "Looks like they were right. There may be a chance that it's affecting my behavior." Then, after pausing to watch his reaction, which was exactly the surprised smile that she'd expected, she added, "And actually I'm enjoying this exactly the right amount. All of this."
Chuckling at her, because he loved that it seemed like their banter could go on and on for hours, he replied simply, "Good… because I am, too."
They took their hot chocolate to the couch, where they sat side by side, their shoulders pressed comfortably against each other, as he flipped on the TV. A rerun of American Ninja Warrior caught their attention, and he recalled that it was one of the only shows in which Jane had ever showed any interest, at some point, so he left it there.
When their hot chocolate was done, she took both of their mugs back to the kitchen to rinse them out, coming back and sitting down at the far end of the couch. Picking up the same throw pillow that she'd fallen asleep against earlier, she set it in her lap and patted it without a word. He smiled, knowing exactly what she was trying to say. Your turn. Moving himself farther over towards her, he slowly turned his body so that he faced away from her, and then carefully lowered himself back towards her, groaning slightly with the effort of holding his mid-section steady.
"Scoot back a little more," she told him. He had to sit back up to do so, but he did, then tried again. That time, his head and shoulders landed in her lap, the same way hers had in his lap that morning.
"There you are," he said.
"You made it," she told him. "You okay there? Ready for your nap?"
"I'm great right here," he assured her. "How are you? Let me know if you want me to move…"
"I don't want you to move," she told him quickly, then added, "You're good right there." They looked at each other with matching dopey grins for more than a minute before either of them even realized it. Shouting from the TV as one of the contestants fell off the obstacle course in a particularly spectacular fashion suddenly brought them back to the present, and after a quick glance at the TV, they smiled at each other more normally.
Her left hand was on his right cheek before she even realized it, her thumb moving slowly back and forth across his stubble. She looked down at him, thinking about what a strange sensation it was and how much she liked it. At that moment, she couldn't think of anything about him that she didn't love, which was a big step. All of the things Kurt had done that had not made her feel loved, the ones that had bombarded her mind twenty-four hours before? Those were now nowhere to be found. The only thing she felt at that moment when she looked at him was the very unfamiliar warmth that came from feeling loved.
It was strange, he thought, watching her from this angle. He was the taller that she was, of course, so he wasn't used to looking up at her at all, much less from this angle. There was something about it that he loved, just like pretty much everything else that involved Jane. When she put her hand on his cheek and started moving her thumb back and forth, it was almost as though he could feel himself being hypnotized by her touch. He wondered if she had any idea how much power she had over him, or if her feelings for him could possibly control her as completely as his feelings for her controlled him.
He was fairly sure that if she kept doing what she was doing, he would be getting that nap she'd been telling him he needed sooner than later. Not that that was a problem, except for the fact that he'd rather stay awake and enjoy this moment. So much of the time they'd known each other had consisted of solving cases, chasing suspects or of one or the other of them being in serious danger, besides the months that she had been tortured – because of him, he thought in a flash of misery that he pushed aside – or the months afterwards when he couldn't look at her… so now, the chance to just sit still with her like this, not having to worry about anything or anyone else was a special kind of luxury.
You have several more days of this forced rest until you're even allowed to think about going back to work, he reminded himself. You can afford to close your eyes. You want to be awake tonight to ring in the New Year, don't you? With this logic in mind, he stopped fighting the sleepiness he was feeling more and more each minute.
Watching him yawn, she couldn't help but smile. Maybe it was something about that position that worked such wonders when it came to lulling them to sleep. His eyes were halfway closed already, and she was sure that he was already more than halfway unconscious, when his sleepy voice asked her, "I saw that smile… what's so funny?"
Of course, this only made her smile harder. "You are. You're so cute when you're falling asleep," she told him.
"I'm not falling asleep, for your information," he informed her, his eyes still barely half way open.
"Oh no? Because it looks like you are," she told him quietly, keeping her voice low and soothing to try to facilitate the process.
"I'd sleep better curled up next to you," he told her. She could only assume that the fact that he was already half asleep had something to do with that comment, because as sweet as he was, that was even over the top for him. She bit her lip as a wave of emotion moved over her.
"I would, too," she cooed sympathetically, "but unfortunately, you're not going to be curling up anywhere for a while," she told him, then tried not to laugh out loud at the face he made as he pretended to pout.
"Don't remind me," he said, feigning grumpiness.
"Ssshhh, hey, that's what happens when you go and get yourself blown up," she told him soothingly. "Let's focus on the part where you didn't die, okay?" She felt a shiver run through her at just the memory of how scared she had been that day. "But you were lucky, because you'll be curling up again in the not too distant future… just not today, and… probably not next week, either."
"I know," he sighed dramatically. Then, leaning against her hand, which was still on his cheek, he smiled.
"What?" she asked, surprised that he was still talking, since his eyes were now almost completely closed.
"I'm glad you didn't leave the party, Jane," he whispered, his voice beginning to trail off.
"And I'm glad you stopped me," she told him sincerely. At the time, she had wanted nothing more than to escape, she remembered. Now, she couldn't imagine what her life would be like if she had. There was so much that would never have happened.
"I'm glad you came with me to Clearfield," he said, even more quietly.
"I'm glad we didn't freeze to death on the way," she said with a smile.
"I'm glad…" he started, but trailed off, and it was clear to Jane that he'd simply fallen asleep in the middle of his sentence. She couldn't help but notice that he had the tiniest hint of a smile on his face.
"I'm glad, too," she whispered, and leaned down to kiss him on the forehead, smoothing over the skin where she'd just kissed him with the fingertips on her right hand. Her fingers moved carefully into his hair, suddenly unable to resist. He kept it clipped short, but she discovered that it was much softer than it looked. He way lying back on a pillow, so she decided she'd have to save a more thorough investigation for another time. Besides, despite how much she didn't want to pull her hand away from him, she really didn't want to wake him up.
There was something so peaceful about watching him fall asleep, and even though she was sitting up, she couldn't hold in her own yawn as she felt her eyes growing heavy as well. It was completely unlike her – she was the one who usually fought sleep with everything inside her.
Leaving her left hand pressed against his cheek, she anchored herself against her right elbow, her cheek against her hand, her arm propped up on the pillow behind her, and let her eyes fall closed as well, surprised that she wasn't fighting sleep, for once.
Not with Kurt around, she thought to herself. He's brought out a lot of changes in you. Just like you have in him. You're good for each other.
As her eyes began to close, she mulled over the idea that the two of them were good for each other. She knew that she was happier around him, but the idea that she brought out good in him, too, was something she honestly hadn't considered.
Face it, the voice in her head told her, you are good for each other. You keep him from running back to work when he's clearly not ready, and he makes sure you don't accidentally starve yourself. And that's just one example. What it comes down to is you both care about each other more than you care about yourselves. Which in the long term, you need to work on, but for now, it works.
That was when she had to admit to herself that the voice in her head might be onto something. After all, she would certainly have taken a bullet for Kurt if it meant that he was safe, and even though she found the idea irrational and frustrating, she knew that for some reason, he would have done the same for her. She'd always tried to dismiss the fact that he would put himself in danger for her, chalking it up to what he would do for anyone on his team. And while yes, he would do almost anything for those people who were like family to him, she was only now starting to admit that he would go farther, sacrifice more, or put himself in more danger for her than for anyone else – no matter whether she wanted him to or not.
The next thing she knew, she was opening her eyes to find him looking up at her fondly. It took her a few seconds for her to remember exactly where they were and what was going on, but when she did, she also remembered how adorable he'd been when he was talking to her as he was falling asleep, and the realization she'd had just before her eyes had closed.
"What're you smiling at?" he asked her.
"You, of course," she replied. Then, curious how long she'd been asleep, she asked, "What time is it?"
"No idea," he replied, "I'm the one who can't turn on my side, remember?"
"Right… sorry," she replied, sitting up straight and squinting to see the clock across the room. "4:16. Wow. I slept for a long time…" She looked back down at him, trying to focus on him without getting lost in his eyes – which was not easy. "How long have you been awake? If you had to guess…"
When he shrugged, she was surprised that she could feel the motion. One again, it made her happy even though she couldn't explain why. Probably something about being close enough to him to that she could feel a movement that she normally wouldn't. It made sense that she could feel it though, since his shoulders were on her lap.
"Not too long," he said. "A few minutes… or maybe twenty." She rolled her eyes at him, shaking her head.
"So… in other words, you have no idea, but probably more than less," she told him.
"Pretty much," he said agreeably. "I was just enjoying watching you sleep."
"Some people might find that creepy, you know," she joked.
"Do you?" he asked her, raising his eyebrows.
She pretended to think about it for a minute, at which he pretended that he was offended. Then, grinning back at him, she said, "I definitely don't think you're creepy. Actually… the opposite. I like knowing that you're watching out for me."
"Always," he sincerely. "Even though you are better able to look out for yourself that anyone I've ever known, that won't stop me."
What could she say to that? She knew that she wasn't allowed to say that she didn't deserve him, even though she couldn't figure out how she could, so she just smiled back at him and tried to enjoy the feeling that was, despite making numerous appearances in the past week, still so unfamiliar to her: happiness. Suddenly she wished that he wasn't lying in her lap, as much as she did like it, because it forced them to keep more distance between them than she wanted just then.
As if he could hear her thoughts, Kurt began pushing himself slowly to sit up, steadying himself with his arms out on the sides of him, pressing into the couch cushions. "You going somewhere?" she asked jokingly, slightly unsettled by the fact that he'd began sitting up almost as soon as she'd had the thought that she wished he wasn't on her lap. "You don't have to get up, you know…"
Did I somehow make him think I didn't like him lying there? she wondered. She hoped not, because she did like it…
"Just thought I'd stand up and stretch," he said, sitting for only a second with his feet on the floor before he pushed himself up the rest of the way. He was a little surprised that she didn't move from where she was sitting, and he decided she might be even more overwhelmed than he'd thought. When she just sat and looked up at him, still feeling both confused over the fact that he'd seemed to hear her thoughts and also uncomfortable because of the unfamiliar happiness she felt, he held out his hand to her, to signal to her to stand up.
She didn't actually let him pull her up, not wanting to end up pulling too hard and hurting him, but she took his signal and, while holding his hand, stood up on her own. As soon as she was upright, she felt him tugging on her hand, pulling her gently toward him. In less than two steps, she was directly in front of him, and his arms were wrapping around her lower back securely. Raising her arms until they were around his neck, she put her forehead down against his chest, over his heart. She took a deep breath, but when she exhaled, to her surprise, it was shaky.
What's wrong with me? she wondered.
Nothing, the voice in her head assured her calmly. Why can you recognize this feeling in Kurt, but not in yourself, even though it's not the first time you've had it?
For a few seconds, she couldn't think what in the world the voice was talking about. What does this have to do with Kurt? she asked herself in confusion, just before he broke the silence.
"You just looked like you needed someone to hold onto you," he said without prompting, wondering if he was right.
"Sorry," she started, looking up at him sheepishly. Then, suddenly, her face changed. "I just… wait… what?"
"So," he replied, beginning to understand, "you told me earlier I don't have to explain that feeling to you… But I don't know if you recognize it in yourself," he told her, shaking his head with a smile. She just continued to look at him, still not understanding. Chuckling at her, he murmured, "Just lean forward and relax. Don't worry about it." She did as instructed, feeling him pull her tighter into the hug that she had wanted – needed, even… but how had he known that she needed it? That was the question. She just stood there in awe.
"How do you do it?" she asked without raising her head from where it leaned against him. "I swear sometimes you read my mind."
"I told you," he said simply, "I know you."
"Better than I do, apparently," she murmured.
"I'll just have to help you get better acquainted with the Jane that I know," he said, resting his chin on top of her head. "She is seriously amazing." When he felt her stiffen, he added, "She doesn't take compliments very well, but we're working on that."
Chuckling against her will, she relaxed again. "Haha," she replied.
"I do have my work cut out for me, don't I?" he asked her.
Since she couldn't playfully punch him, she settled for shaking her head against him and leaning into him just a little harder. "Very funny," she mumbled.
"Why, thank you," he replied with a grin, knowing full well that she was being sarcastic, then kissing the top of her head.
She just shook her head at him, as amused as ever. Everything that had happened, looking back… it all seemed impossible. And yet, when she looked back on the past week, so could see it all unfolding again like a movie in her mind. Somehow, it was real. The thought made her smile and snuggle a little closer to him. This new reality of hers was too good to be true, but since it was true, she was going to hold onto it tightly.
Once again, she felt him kiss the top of her head. Breathing in, then out again slowly, she committed that moment to memory.