-Setting fire to our insides for fun.-
Youth; Daughter
-Hetalia-
Gilbert went to the hospital every day after work. The visiting hours ended only an hour or two after he arrived, but privately he was thankful for that.
Arthur was always there, to no one's surprise. Gilbert went as moral support. He knew the pain and the fear that came with Arthur's situation all too well, and his condolences and advice were the most genuine Arthur was going to get from any of their friends.
Gilbert locked his car in the parking lot and sighed heavily, bracing himself. He'd sworn just four years ago to never step foot in a hospital again. He raised a shaky hand to his collar and clasped his iron cross, gritting his teeth for a moment. Then, with a deep breath, he turned toward the building.
The halls were so white he felt like he could merge right into them and disappear. It tightened the knots in his stomach and throat. The echoing of his every step didn't help, either, and the whole place reeked of sterilized death. He felt like he was fifteen again. When the monotonous white was finally broken by a silver elevator, Gilbert jabbed the button beside the doors, desperate for even the briefest of escapes.
Inside the elevator Gilbert pressed himself against the wall and took a few more deep breaths. He had to calm down before he got to the room, for his sake as much as for Arthur's. Arthur wouldn't be alone, and just down the hall was Feliciano's grandfather. There would be at least ten people he knew here, and he didn't need to worry them with a panic attack.
When the doors slid open, Gilbert found himself face to face with Ludwig.
Gilbert flinched. He'd known Ludwig would be visiting with Feliciano, but he hadn't expected to run into him.
"Where are you going?" he asked, his voice stalling at the start. In actuality Gilbert more so wondered why he was alone.
"I was going to get drinks for Feliciano and I," Ludwig said.
Gilbert stared at him, sensing that there was something more. He saw in Ludwig's face semblances of the tired and pained thirteen year old his brother had been the last time they were here, and it didn't help his rising anxiety. The silence stretched out between them for a few seconds until it was broken by the elevator doors sliding shut. Gilbert and Ludwig both jumped forward to stop them, hands bumping against one another.
Gilbert forced a smile and stepped out of the elevator. He expected Ludwig to get in, but his brother just stood there, one hand keeping the doors open. Gilbert stared at him, frowning.
"Julius is talking in his sleep," Ludwig said eventually.
He tilted his head back towards the old man's room as he said it, and Gilbert could tell he was thinking about Feli. The only good thing about the accident was that it let Ludwig and Gilbert put aside their recent spat over the party, and so taking a step forward, Gilbert put a hand on his brother's arm. Ludwig sighed and gave him a small, grateful smile. Then he stepped into the elevator and left, leaving Gilbert with a rising tide of unwanted memories and forcing him to face the hall.
Further down, beside Julius Vargas's closed door, Antonio was leaning against the wall. Gilbert nodded to him and received a small wave, but Toni would still be around when it was time to leave. Gilbert was here primarily for Arthur.
With caution, or perhaps hesitation, he tapped on the half open door to Mrs. Kirkland's room before peering inside. Arthur's mother lay in a hospital bed with shiny metal guardrails on the sides - guardrails he remembered once gripping in his hands - to keep her from rolling out in her sleep. Not that she could, as her legs were held suspended in their casts and her neck was wrapped in such a thick brace it must have been a struggle to rest her head on the pillows.
On the left side of the bed, closest to the door, sat Scott leaning forward to speak with his step-mother. On the other side sat Arthur with Peter in his lap. Arthur glanced over to the door at the tapping and met Gilbert's eyes. He nodded once and Gilbert took it as an invitation to come in.
"Afternoons it'll be Liam an' me," Scott was saying. Mrs. Kirkland gave him a thin smile. Gilbert watched Arthur grit his teeth. The beeping of the nearby heart monitor caught Gilbert's attention as Peter squirmed in his brother's lap and leaned forward to say something.
The droning of his own mother's flatline rose from his memories and clouded over his senses.
The last time he'd sat in a bedside chair, Ludwig had been too big to sit in his lap. Still they'd sat so close they were touching. Gilbert leaned towards his mother to speak over the beeps of her vitals just like Peter, he was vaguely aware, was doing now. Each beep had come later than the last as her chest slowly rose and fell. Gilbert murmured to her in their native tongue – his mother tongue – leaning so close that the cross she'd given him tapped against the bed's railing, the quiet clink clink clinks coming at a faster pace than her heart. He'd made her promises and whispered out pleas, trying desperately to coax her back to them, to open her eyes, to convince her to hang on a little bit longer.
He'd watched the last breath ease out of her lips. The droning of her flatline drowned out everything else.
Scott stood, pulling Gilbert out of his memories. He shuddered and fought to catch his breath, realizing he'd been out of it for at least a whole minute. It took him a second to remember where he was.
"I'll go an' send Owen in, then," Scott said to Mrs. Kirkland. She gave him as much of a nod as her brace would allow and he started to leave.
"Please take Peter with you," she called after him.
Peter protested, clinging to the railing and rising up on his knees. "I want to stay here with you, Mummy!"
She turned slightly towards him. "I know, Petey. But you should go pick out a snack from the vending machine; I'll bet you're hungry. You can come back with Owen. I'll still be here."
She gave him a sweet smile while he bit his lip, forcing back the tears that had started to form. After a moment he nodded.
"That's my good boy."
As Peter slowly slunk out of Arthur's lap and went to Scott, Gilbert realized Arthur's mother wanted to talk to him without his brothers around. Gilbert shifted and edged toward the door.
"Gilbert," she called, "you don't have to leave."
He hesitated, turning back to see she'd turned to Arthur already. Arthur didn't look at him, but Gilbert guessed he should stay. Moral support ought to stick around, he reminded himself. Even if it was killing him. So he leaned against the wall and watched their conversation.
"I want you to go on to university next week."
Arthur jolted in his seat. "I can't just leave!"
"Arthur, I'm serious about this." She narrowed her eyes and gave him a stern look. Gilbert looked between them as Arthur sputtered.
"But you're injured! You can't bring Peter to school or do laundry or bring Liam food on his deadlines. How are they supposed to get anything done if we're both away?"
"They can manage – "
"But what if –"
"Hey," Gilbert cut in, stepping forward to put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Don't worry so much. You've got me and Alfred and Matthew too, you know. You should go learn shit and work on your degree." He carefully kept his gaze away from the injured woman, lest he trigger something again.
"Thank you, Gilbert," she said behind him. "Arthur, your older brothers can manage on their own. They've been without a mother in the house before, you know."
Arthur wilted just a bit at her words. He wrung his hands as he mumbled a weak, "Yes, but-"
"Scott already talked about taking Peter, and with Owen home now there will be another pair of hands around to manage the chores. No one is going to let Liam starve, either."
Arthur sighed. "I just…" He trailed off and sighed again, leaning closer.
"You know you'll only be thirty minutes away, darling."
Gilbert gave Arthur's shoulder a reassuring squeeze as the blond formed a grim smile and said "Right."
"I love you," Mrs. Kirkland said, her voice warm. The image of his own mother flickered back into Gilbert's mind. He tightened his grip on Arthur and took a few deep breaths, bringing his free hand to the cross around his neck.
-H-
By the time the nurse came around to tell them visiting hours were over, Gilbert was more than a little anxious to leave. He felt trapped in an endless maze of white walls and beeping monitors. An panicked edge was creeping through his veins as if through an IV.
As he stepped into the hall, someone softly called his name.
"Hey Gil. Do you wanna go get a drink with me?"
Gilbert turned toward Antonio.
"That would be awesome." It came out quieter than he wanted, turning into a worn out mutter. Antonio smiled at him, his eyes sad as he put a hand on Gilbert's arm.
"Come on, amigo. We'll go to Francis's."
Gilbert glanced back towards the Vargas' room as Antonio began to steer him toward the elevator.
"What about your boyfriend?" He looked at Antonio, who maintained his small, sad smile.
"He's not my boyfriend, and he wants to stay with his brothers."
That resonated with Gilbert. That image of a thirteen year old Ludwig holding his hand in the hospital waiting room returned to him. Ludwig had worn his usual deadpan expression, but Gilbert could see the emptiness and pain in his eyes. He'd squeezed his little brother's hand and felt Ludwig close his hand into a vice grip. They were all they'd had left.
The elevator dinged and pulled Gilbert back to the present. Antonio patted his back.
-H-
Francis had a few German beers left over from his party, and Gilbert gratefully accepted them. The three of them sat on Francis's bedroom floor, surrounded by bottles, snacks, and pillows. It'd been so long since they last did this, but despite the distance time had put between them, nothing felt unnatural.
"You've held out on us for long enough, Antonio," Francis said, gesturing to the Spaniard with his wine glass. It was a new one, with a thin silver grapevine etched along the bottom, and Gilbert wondered how long ago he'd gotten it. Antonio tilted his head at the question and Francis smiled. "Tell us about school."
Gilbert turned to Toni. "You've been there four years and haven't told us shit." He grinned and leered playfully at their friend.
Antonio smiled sweetly and set down his drink. "I'm nearly done, you know."
Gilbert waved it off while Francis said "So?" Antonio chuckled at their insistence.
"What do you want to know?"
Gilbert took another handful of popcorn and glanced at Francis with a smirk. It wasn't hard to guess the first question on the romantic's mind. Francis took a sip of wine before leaning in.
"What about that fiery little thing you had at the party? Lovi, you said?"
Antonio gave an embarrassed little chuckle and Gilbert snickered before tossing a piece of popcorn in the air to catch in his mouth. His aim was off, though, and the snack bounced off his nose.
"Lovi and I met two years ago," Toni began, but he was cut off by Francis's offended noise.
"You've been hiding him from us for two years!"
"Oh, no, I would never, Francis. You know I tell you both everything."
Gilbert tossed another piece of popcorn, missed again, and sat up.
"Chill out, Franny. It's not like they're doing anything." He gave Francis a few hardy pats on the shoulder until Francis swatted his hand away with a grin.
"That's not what it looked like to me."
Gilbert raised an eyebrow when Antonio sighed at that.
"You alright?"
Antonio smiled. "Ah, si. But you're right. Lovi's too shy to accept my love just yet."
Gilbert cackled.
"That guy? Shy?" He tried to picture the angry Italian he'd nearly gotten in a fight with a week ago as a blushing wallflower like Matthew. The image was nothing short of hysterical.
Toni frowned for all of two seconds and smacked him on the leg. "He is! You be nice."
"Oh come now, Antonio, you know that's impossible."
To prove Francis's point, Gilbert grabbed a pillow and smacked Toni in the face with it. Antonio yelped and then took the pillow and returned fire.
"Oh ja, you're really challenging me here? Haven't you learned," – Gilbert squirmed far enough under Toni's attacks to secure another pillow – "that I'm the fucking king of pillow fights?" He dodged another attack and smacked Toni upside the head.
The room filled with laughs and occasional yelps from either one of them as they warred on the floor, accidentally upending both bowls of popcorn and chips. After a few minutes Gilbert realized someone was missing from the fray and turned to look for Francis. He saw the blond standing back by his dresser with his wine glass, smirking as he watched them. Then Gilbert took a pillow to the face and fell back on the floor.
Antonio cheered.
"Who's the king of pillow fights now?"
"You won the battle, not the war," Gilbert said. He pounced up and dragged Toni down to the floor with him.
They lay there laughing, Toni on his back and Gil on his side half pinning him, when Francis walked over. The Frenchman held his hands on his hips as he smiled down at them, one eyebrow raised.
"What am I going to do with you two?"
"Love us?" Gilbert offered with a smirk. Toni chuckled and held up a hand to Francis, who sighed for show and took it, letting Toni pull him down onto the floor with them.
They stared at the ceiling and each other for a while, still snickering a bit, their hearts made light by the alcohol warming their veins. Just past Francis's shoulder Gilbert could see one of the pillows from the war. It was a square embroidered cushion, the kind meant for decoration more than use. He'd never seen it before.
Eventually Gilbert shifted to hold his head up in his hand and looked at Francis.
"Alright, you've asked about Toni, but what about you?"
Francis looked up at him. "Hm?"
"What about your love life, Mr. Smooth?"
Toni turned as well to look at Francis. To their surprise, he frowned.
"It is not as I'd wish," he said after a long moment. Antonio leaned their heads together in sympathy.
"Don't worry. It comes and goes. Something will come along soon."
Francis smiled and gave Antonio's cheek a loving pat. "Merci, mon ami." Then the two of them turned to Gilbert.
"Was?"
"It is your turn."
Gilbert rolled his eyes.
"What are we, fourteen year old girls?"
Toni chuckled as Francis smiled and said "Oui!" Gilbert reached across Toni to cover the blond's face with his hand. Francis laughed and pushed him away. "Come on, don't be shy."
"I'm not fucking shy," Gilbert said with a glare. Francis didn't blink.
Antonio turned to him. "You must have someone, Gil."
"Sure, I've had a shit ton of people," Gilbert said. "I don't keep track of that kind of thing."
Francis gave him a pointed look. "That's not what we're asking."
Gilbert scoffed, then smirked. "I'm too awesome to be tied down with a relationship."
Toni snorted. Gilbert elbowed him in the ribs for it and the two of them went back to play fighting as Francis sat back and pretended he was above it all. They let him get away with it this time, and after they'd settled back down Gilbert sat up and reached for another beer.
"When are you leaving?" Antonio asked Francis.
He thought for a moment, retrieving his wine from its safe place atop the dresser. "Two weeks, more or less."
"Don't get all snotty just because you're a college big shot," Gilbert said with a grin.
"Si, and don't replace us," Toni said.
"I wouldn't dream of it," Francis wailed. "You two will always be my best friends."
Gilbert smirked. "Ja, you've already wasted too much of your life with us to get out now."
Francis made a toasting gesture with his glass to that and drained the last of the wine. Then he looked around the room. "I'll get us more to drink."
"Gracias," Antonio called after him. A moment later he too got up and excused himself for the bathroom, leaving Gilbert temporarily alone.
He sat back against the side of the bed and stared up at mirror over the dresser. It was the same mirror as it had been since fourth grade, except Francis had painted thin silver vines along the edges. Gilbert traced the lines with his eyes. They suited him, he decided. He wondered when they'd been added. Perhaps around the same time Francis had painted the Eiffel Tower Gilbert saw on the wall above him, reflected in the mirror. Their friendship may not have changed much, but they weren't quite the same people they were four years ago. The knowledge sat awkwardly in his stomach.
Beneath it sat another uneasy feeling that wasn't exactly guilt but somewhat similar to it. He knew the feeling had settled in just after the questions about his lovelife, and that it had to do with his dodging the question. Did he have anyone? He thought about Roderich, but he hardly counted, and then of Liz, but she counted even less. Then he thought about the text conversation he'd had with Arthur through her phone.
He'd kissed Matthew. He felt the squirmings of that something-like-guilt in the bottom of his stomach, under the awkward knowledge and the alcohol. Arthur hadn't exactly been wrong in telling him off a week ago – not that he had any right to tell him what to do – for dragging Matthew down into the darker half of adolescence. Matthew was timid and easily flustered and afraid of being rude, and Gilbert had gotten him drunk and taken advantage of it all. In his defense he'd been drunk as well, drunker actually, but that didn't make it right. And apparently people knew about it.
He should have brought up Matthew and dispelled any rumors. Francis might have heard someone spreading something about the two of them being more than an accidental kiss or even that they were dating. It wasn't fair to Matthew for him to leave rumors about their kiss floating about.
The question of just why he'd kissed Matthew could wait until he had less alcohol in his blood. Perhaps tomorrow, when they were supposed to have practice. He could apologize then as well.
Antonio returned, keeping Gilbert from putting any more thought into it. The Spaniard bent to pick up one of the snack bowls they'd spilled in their fight. Gilbert began gathering up the chips and popcorn that had been scattered about, dropping the handfuls into Antonio's bowl for safekeeping. When they'd cleaned everything up, Toni set the bowl of ruined food on Francis's dresser.
Francis returned with a fresh bottle of wine and a few more bottles of beer. He set everything on the dresser, and as he uncorked the wine and began to pour his and Toni's glasses, Gilbert grabbed a beer and checked the label. Imported from Denmark, he read. He shrugged – at least it wasn't American – and opened it with the opener on his key ring.
Once they had drinks again, the three sat back down in their triangle on the floor. Antonio looked at them, smiled, and asked, "Anyone want to play a game?"
Gilbert raised an eyebrow. "What kind of game?"
The question made Toni think for a moment. "Hmm... What about Truth or Dare?"
Gilbert laughed and took a drink, trying to let the warm, a-bit-more-than-buzzed feeling settle in and bury the other, less pleasant ones. "We've played the fuck out of that game; it's no fun anymore."
Antonio frowned. "Well I don't know then. What do you want to play?"
"How about a game that isn't for babies?"
Francis raised an eyebrow at him. "And that would be?"
Gilbert sat up straighter, leaning one arm on his knee, and held up five fingers. "Never Have I Ever."
Francis rolled his eyes but held up his hand.
"But we know so much about each other," Toni said, raising his own hand. "Is it really fair to play this?"
Gilbert smirked. "That's what makes it more fun. You first," he nodded to Antonio. "And if you put a finger down, you have to take a drink."
Francis chuckled. "You know, there are other drinking games, if that is what you wanted."
Antonio shook his head. "We can play this. Let me think..." He tilted his head and hummed as he thought. "Never have I ever... kissed a girl."
Francis dropped a finger and raised his glass to his lips.
"Define kiss," Gilbert said. Francis laughed.
"I think he meant on the lips, mon ami."
Gilbert smirked. "I'm safe, then." Francis laughed again at that, and Toni chuckled. "Alright, Franny's turn," Gilbert said.
Francis smiled. "We're going this way? Alright, never have I ever mixed wine with soda."
Gilbert cackled at the face Antonio made.
"Are you targeting me?" Antonio asked as he held down a finger. Francis only smiled at him.
"That's how you play," Gilbert snickered. "Drink up, Toni."
Antonio shook his head but drank from his glass. Then the two turned to Gilbert.
"Never have I ever watched a Spanish soap opera." He smirked at Antonio, who gave him a grumpy look and took another drink, down to three fingers already.
"You two are only trying to get me out," he complained.
"That's how you play," Gilbert repeated. "It's your turn now."
Antonio squinted at them both for a moment. "Fine. Never have I ever given a blow job in a bathroom at a party."
Gilbert nearly choked on his beer. Francis roared with laughter and gladly lowered a finger, telling Antonio "Well played!" Gilbert huffed as he put down his first finger.
"In my defense, I was drunk."
"I wasn't," Francis said cheerily before taking a drink.
"Ja, no fucking surprise there."
Francis winked at him. Gilbert snorted and took his drink while Francis thought about his next turn. Between the good friends and the amount of beer in his system, his embarrassment at Toni's attack was already fading away.
"Never have I ever had a leather fetish." Francis smirked at him. Gilbert flipped him off while Antonio burst into a fit of hiccuping giggles.
"Low blow, Bonnefoy," Gilbert said with a smirk of his own as he lowered another finger.
"That is how you play, non?" Francis teased.
They were all tied now, with three fingers left. Gilbert took his drink and thought carefully while Antonio hiccuped away.
"Never have I ever... no, I've done that..." It was getting harder to think with the warm feeling filling his head. "Never have I ever... used a dildo."
Francis quietly put down a finger and drained the rest of his glass. He rose to fill it again as Toni took his turn.
"Never have I... ever made love to a woman."
"Big shocker," Gilbert snickered. Antonio playfully pushed him as Francis sighed and drank from his freshly filled glass. He was down to one finger now.
"Never have I… Non. I've never... never been too shy to ask someone out."
An image of Elizaveta came to Gilbert's mind. He blushed and stared hard at the floor as he took his required drink, almost missing when Antonio did the same. As he swallowed, another image rose up, not of the brunette girl he'd had a soft spot for since elementary school, but of a certain quiet blond with wavy hair and purplish eyes. He took another drink, not sure what to make of it.
"Never have I ever been in love with an angry Italian," he said to keep from focusing on it.
Antonio hiccuped and put a finger down, smiling despite himself. "You don't know what you're missing," he said before taking a drink. Gilbert snorted.
"You're missing it too, you know," he said. Francis nearly giggled.
"Silencio. Never.. I have never… Never have I ever had a brother."
Gilbert rolled his eyes and took his drink. He thought about Luddy and wondered how he was doing. He hadn't seen him, he realized, since they passed each other outside the elevator. Had he made it home safely? Should Gilbert call him?
"Oh mon ami, it is my turn, non?"
Gilbert looked up. Francis was smirking at him. "I have never ever, or, non, it's 'never have I ever'. Never have I ever considered getting a dick piercing."
"Bullshit!"
They burst out laughing. Francis shook his head, insisting that "Non, I never have!" while Gilbert took a long swig from his bottle, finishing it off.
"How's it feel to lose your own game?" Antonio asked around a hiccup. Gilbert snorted.
"Shut the fuck up Carri- Car- Whatever the fuck your last name is."
They laughed again at that, Gilbert adding "I'm too drunk for Spanish," as Antonio pronounced his name properly for the albino. Eventually they calmed down and Antonio rose to refill his glass, being so kind as to bring Gil another beer.
"So," Francis said as Toni sat down. Antonio cut him off.
"Did you ever get that piercing?"
Gilbert smirked and brought a hand to his fly. "Wanna find out?"
"Only if you actually got it," Toni said with a smile. Gilbert laughed again and shook his head. The alcohol sent them into another fit of laughter.
"So," Francis tried again. "So, so you two are too shy for someone?"
"Hey, you said ever," Gilbert said, pointing a finger at Francis. Francis snickered at him.
"Oui, oui. So who were you too shy over?"
Toni hiccuped and leaned in like Francis. Gilbert huffed.
"Who the hell do you think?"
Antonio giggled, but Francis gave Gilbert an oddly contemplative look. It would have surprised him if Gilbert didn't know how philosophical Francis could get when he was drunk.
After a long moment Francis shook his head and said "If you say so."
"When did you paint that?" Antonio asked, pointing up at the painting Gilbert had seen before. Gilbert and Francis welcomed the change of topic.
A/N: It's been a long time coming, but here it is! This chapter ended up taking me much of June to write, and then it took a while for my wonderful beta Hornet394 to finished editing as well. On top of that I've started a new job, and I ran into some serious issues with my laptop (the hard drive might be broken!), so all together it meant a lot of delay for this chapter.
I do hope the wait was worth it, though. I like this chapter quite a lot - I'll always have a soft spot of the bad friends/touch trio (aka the BuTT). We get a better glimpse at what happened with Gilbert's mother as well as the incident in his ninth grade year (they're one in the same thing). My apologies for any inaccuracies with either hospitals or triggers and flashbacks to traumatic moments. I have little to no experience with either one, so I tried to keep both as minor as I could in this piece.
We also get to see the reaffirming of Gilbert, Francis, and Antonio's friendship. The three sort of got wrapped up in their own lives when high school began, and now Francis is graduating, Gilbert is behind a year, and Antonio is attending a different, five year school, rather than the typical four years of American high schools. But in the end, true best friends will be best friends through everything and anything.
This is a very brotherly chapter, as Hornet394 pointed out to me. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Brother Complex is officially on a seasonal schedule. What that means is that I will pretty much only be updating in the summer and winter. I am not abandoning the story or going on a hiatus, exactly. It's just that between school and club activities, I've noticed I only ever update in those off times anyway. So I might as well officially announce it so that my readers will know. Please don't panic if you see me making the occasional one-shot in the fall or spring - BC usually takes more effort than one-shots, so I sometimes manage to spit out a one-shot here or there where I wouldn't be able to make a full BC chapter. It doesn't mean I'm leaving this story.
I will try to put out another chapter this summer, but we'll have to wait and see.
Translations for this chapter:
Amigo: Spanish; friend
Si: Spanish; yes
Ja: German; yes
Merci, mon ami: French; Thank you, my friend
Was: German; What
Oui: French; Yes
Gracias: Spanish; Thank you
Non: French; no
Silencio: Spanish; Silence
Thank you so much for reading. Happy Fourth of July!
~VV