Warnings: None
Jack's elation deflated quickly as he made his way towards Carter's bunk. He only knew where it was from the echo of where she'd headed after leaving Hanson's bunk that horrible morning. His knocks went unanswered. Perhaps she was sleeping. He hoped so, because the only alternative was that she wanted to avoid him.
"Sam?" he called, knocking one more time. Maybe if she knew it was him… but the door remained locked, and pressing his ear to the metal hatch didn't reveal a single whisper of sound from within. Discouraged, his own bunk no longer held any appeal. Instead he gravitated towards the Jaeger bay, following the familiar black and purple path to Belladonna Banshee.
Instinct took him to the familiar secluded area of Banshee's bay, and found Sam in the shadows, sitting on the deck with her back to the rail and Bella beyond. Jack's body still ached, and flashes of the memory he'd witnessed darted around his brain. From the bruises under Sam's eyes, and the pallor of her skin in the murky dark, Jack knew she wasn't faring any better.
She looked up at his approach, but seemed unsurprised to see him. Her eyes skittered away, unable to rest on him for long. She made no protest except to hug her knees tighter to her chest when he carefully eased himself down onto the deck next to her. Words piled up in his throat, lodging against the lump that formed there.
"Sam, I-"
"Please," she croaked, "don't." Her breath hitched ominously, but her eyes remained dry. "Just… don't."
Jack's apology died in his throat, as did all the reassurances he'd meant to follow up with. Promises that he still trusted her, still respected her. The rage he swore he'd keep to himself, but probably wouldn't have if she'd let him gain even an inch of traction.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," Carter croaked. "I never- I didn't mean to bring that into the drift."
"I know," he said quickly. "And I know you tried to protect me from it. When we first drifted, I felt how distant you were. Figured you were a private person."
Sam huffed, a laugh without mirth. She reached down to flick a stray washer across the grated floor with one fingertip. Her chin rested on top of her knees, her eyes swollen and heavy. "Now you know why." Then she shook her head sharply, turning away from him. "I should have known better."
"Sam…"
"I shouldn't have gotten your hopes up."
Jack froze. "What? No, wait, Sam- I got a reprimand, and probably a black mark in my record the size of my fist, but I'm still in. The Marshal let me stay with Bella. We can still-"
"I'm not doing that again."
Her voice cracked, and this time the tears started rolling. Sam tried to bury her face in her arms before he could see, but it didn't work. The sight of it stabbed a knife into Jack's heart. He couldn't breathe. Nothing he could say could erase the pain of that memory; a memory she had kept so secret not even the Marshal knew. Jack wondered then, if the Marshal had figured it out on his own. The images and sensations of her past played again in Jack's head, twisting his insides into knots. Even now, it remained so vivid, every detail crystalline in his mind's eye. From the tinny taste of the diet coke to the calendar date hanging on the wall-
Jack froze. He didn't notice the date in the drift. Sam had glimpsed it only briefly, before the world started spinning when she stood to leave. But now he did. April 30th, 2026. A deep, horrible knowing clicked into being.
"May Day…"
"Don't," Carter repeated, this time a plea. Jack obeyed, swallowing his realization. Athos hit the breach less than 24 hours after she woke up in Hanson's bed, dazed and more alone than she had ever been. Less than 24 hours after Hanson attacked her, she'd been asked to drift with him, and Sam had tried. It was no surprise to Jack now that she had failed.
They sat in silence for a long while. Jack had no words that could help her, so he kept them to himself, grateful that she even let him stay with her. After some time, her chin lifted again, and she wiped her eyes. "Cameron Mitchell was my best friend," she croaked. "I stood with him at his wedding."
Jack knew that. The half-remembered whispers of Sam's awareness that day flickered through his brain. Ranger Mitchell and his wife Vala Mal Doran piloted Whiskey Blue for three years. Together, they had vied with Banshee for highest kill rate in the fleet, right up until they immolated to take Athos out with them.
"They died because of me."
Jack ignored the urge to protest. The last thing she needed was to argue about the assignment of blame, and nothing he said would make her guilt disappear. No, what he wanted her to know was that he was on her side.
"I didn't tell the Marshal what happened," he told her. He watched her face carefully, noting the way her lips thinned. "He already knows?"
She pulled her knees tighter to her chest. "He asked, once, what changed. I told him everything."
Jack heard the self-reproach in her voice, for telling the one person whose regard mattered the most to her. He understood now how close they were, far closer than a commanding officer and subordinate ought to be. "He didn't do anything?"
"What would it have done?" she asked bitterly. "The Shatterdome would have been down another pilot, and within days Jonas had made sure the entire base knew I was the reason Whiskey Blue fell."
"Sam…"
"Why would they believe me? I should have seen it coming, right? How could I not? We practically lived in each other's thoughts. Either I was too naive to recognize his feelings or I gave him a signal he misinterpreted."
"Bullshit." Jack clenched his fist, and fought to keep himself calm. He pushed against the rail behind him, stretching his legs out in front of him. "There wasn't anything that was missed or misinterpreted. You're not an idiot, and neither is he. He wanted something and told himself whatever he needed to hear to justify it. That's the bottom line. It doesn't matter what kind of vibes he thought he sent you in the drift- you said no."
Carter didn't respond. Out of the corner of his eye, Jack looked at her, really looked at her. The light, happy laugh he'd heard in her memory had no home in the shuttered expression she wore now. Even the slightest upturn of her lips seemed a herculean effort to her now. Jack treasured the smiles he'd earned from her all the more now. That beaming grin in the connpod after defeating Multo he now knew had been the true Sam, one who seemed very far away now. He could read every line of exhaustion in her body. Not just from the scene in the connpod, but the past two years of weathering attacks from every side, alone.
"Carter, listen to me, okay?" Jack looked at her intently, but she kept her attention fixed on the top of her knees. He forged ahead regardless. "You were right to trust him."
She froze. "Excuse me?"
"I might not have been there, but it feels like I was. I saw what you saw, and felt- what you felt." His voice caught ominously, making her flinch. "Right up until that moment he was your copilot, your partner. Every point you just gave about being in each other's thoughts were reasons to trust him, not suspect him. You had absolutely no reason to doubt him. He made sure of it."
Her fist clenched tightly against the fabric of her trousers, knuckles paling to a ghostly white. "There was nothing you did or didn't do that could explain, or justify what he did. That's on him. All of it. And he deserves worse than he got."
Jack wanted to kill him. Break his bones and cripple him. Ruin Hanson's name as thoroughly as he had hers. But as he sat there, gazing at Carter and seeing the faint tremors vibrating across her frame, thoughts of Jonas- maimed or otherwise- slowly drifted away, until there was nothing in his thoughts but her. She didn't need retribution, Jack realized. She needed a friend.
"I'll follow your lead on this one, Sam. It's your business. You don't need me or anyone else telling you what you should do." She didn't respond. All he heard was a sharp hitch in her breath, but when he glanced at her from the corner of his eye, her tears hadn't fallen. They glittered on her lashes, only to be brushed away by an angry hand when she caught him looking.
"If you want to walk away from the pilot's chair," he continued, "I understand. I'll honor your choice. But for whatever it's worth… I don't think you should."
"Today was proof I shouldn't be in the drift."
"Today was proof that Jonas knows which buttons to push," Jack countered gently. Still she flinched, which cracked his heart open a little bit more. "I have never seen anyone with as much control in the drift as you. The way your mind works blows me away. If Jonas hadn't cornered you in the corridor beforehand, and if he hadn't gotten his hands on an open comm, today never would have happened."
"But it did."
Jack nodded. "Yeah. So what's the worst that could happen now? Even if Jonas tries a repeat of today- which won't happen, because Tendo isn't going to let him anywhere near the control room- I've already seen what you tried to protect me from."
Carter didn't respond. She plucked at a loose thread poking up from her knee, her features dark. "After Multo- you were happy, Sam. I felt it when we took down Multo. Being in a Jaeger is like breathing for you, and I think giving it up would hurt you. I will respect any decision you make. I just want you to be sure it's what you want. Not what you think is best for me, or for the program. You deserve to be happy."
Tears gathered in her eyes. Jack reached out to grasp her hand gently. To his pleasant surprise, she didn't pull away. Her fingers twined with his, returning the squeeze with the slightest of pressure. "Let yourself be happy, Sam. Choose what you want… I'll stand with you, whatever you decide. You're not alone. Not anymore."
In the shadow of Belladonna Banshee, Samantha Carter heaved a shaking sigh. Their palms warmed together, and Jack hoped she let herself believe he meant it. Their shoulders were already touching, but soon Jack felt the pressure of her leaning ever so slightly against him. He never meant to witness the horror of that night, and even now he wished he hadn't, if it would have spared Carter from reliving it even once. But it had happened. He could turn it into something to help her, if Sam would let him. And maybe, just maybe… she would.