CHAPTER 1

Voyager - Present Day

Sawdust was thick in the air of a room that closely resembled Captain Helen Andris's actual woodshop. A woodshop that she had left behind on Earth just two months ago at the request of a friend. She didn't blame him for the fact that the floor wasn't quite paint-splotched enough, the lights a little too bright, or that the miter saw was exactly square and not about 0.2 degrees off like the one she left behind. She didn't even blame him for interrupting the fragile peace she had finally made regarding the death of her lover. In that moment, the only thing she really blamed him for was intruding on her alone time.

She heard the holodeck doors swish open but she was concentrating. Building little pieces of furniture was delicate work. If she didn't clamp the rocking chair just right, the doll might not fit and that simply would not do.

Finally satisfied that the glue would set properly, she wiped her hands on her apron and turned to face who she could only assume would be Captain Chakotay. She assumed incorrectly.

"Counselor," she said, surprised. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" Counselor Hugh Cambridge was leaning against her table saw, a strange smirk on his face.

"Do you always spend your free time covered in dust and adhesive, Captain?"

"As much of it as I possibly can," she smiled.

"What are you making?"

"A dollhouse. Why? You want one?"

"Maybe. Do they have a little bar in there?" he asked.

Andris chuckled and took off her apron. "So really, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. I was actually coming by to avail you of my services, should they be required."

Andris raised an eyebrow. "And, what exactly would make you think that I would be in need of your services?"

"In light of recent developments, many of the crew have needed a sounding board. I figure you're probably near the top of that list."

"You're talking about the loss of our ships and people."

He stared silently back at her with a look that said 'you tell me.'

She sighed. "We just lost four fleet vessels and hundreds of good officers. My own was about ten seconds from the center of that disaster, but by no doing of mine, was spared. I feel survivor's guilt. And I feel culpable that my little ship, sent here to protect the others, failed miserably."

"Mmmmm…..yes. But, no," he replied. "Try again."

Andris thought a moment. "Admiral Janeway's miraculous resurrection?"

"Yes ma'am."

Andris's face betrayed confusion. "I think it's wonderful that she's alright. And that she saved all of our asses. Why would I have issue with that?"

Cambridge simply looked at her. She hated it he looked at her like that. Over the course of their Starfleet-mandated sessions she had learned that when he glared as he did now he was expecting her to answer her own question.

"Let's skip the pretext Counselor. I only have an hour until the briefing and I need to finish the roof."

"Who's it for?"

Andris sighed, this conversation was going nowhere fast. "Miral Paris," she answered.

"I didn't know you knew her."

"I don't," she replied. "But I knew her grandfather. Her father designed this holo-program, and I like making toys. Seeing as she's the only child out here it stands to reason…."

"Dollhouse."

"Bingo."

He stared at her again. She released an annoyed, but tempered sigh. "Fine. I get it. I want my free time back I have to self-diagnose."

He nodded.

Andris thought a moment, then began again. "Admiral Janeway died a horrible death fourteen months ago leaving a friend reeling. That 'friend' and I have whittled away too many hours commiserating on our shared loss of love and happiness at the hands of Starfleet. And now, by some miracle that I can't even begin to understand, he gets her back and I'm still alone."

"And?"

She paused. "And, if it weren't for her death, I probably wouldn't have agreed to come back in the first place. I'd still be in my actual woodshop, happily ignorant of the current status of the Delta Quadrant."

"As you say, Bingo."

"But, if I were still on Earth, I would miss the opportunity to share in the joy of one of my oldest friends." She put her hand across her chest. "A friend I intend to congratulate with my whole heart in an hour. So, I say again, your services are not needed here."

Cambridge waited.

There's no way he knows about my other source of guilt, she thought. Don't even go there.

She was becoming annoyed. "Can you leave now?"

"I can, and I will. And you know where to find me." The counselor turned heel but paused before leaving. "That was actually a fairly impressive self-diagnosis, Captain. Maybe I should recommend industrial arts to more of my patients." Then, he walked out of the holodeck.

Andris grumbled, picked up a board and started sanding. But she no longer enjoyed it.

Chakotay caught Andris's eye as Admiral Janeway dismissed the room. "A moment?" He mouthed, across the table. She had been politely avoiding eye contact through the meeting but had indeed wished to speak with him privately.

The collective senior staffs from the other fleet vessels left the large conference room in an orderly fashion. They had all just been formally briefed on Admiral Janeway's situation and her role in the events of the last several days. Andris hung back, waiting for the doors to close.

"Chakotay, I'm so….so very happy for you," she said genuinely once they were alone.

Chakotay bowed his head trying to contain the glowing smile that eminated from every fiber of his being since Kathryn's reincarnation by Q and Kes just four days ago. "Yes, it really is wonderful." His enthusiasm tempered only by the knowledge that his friend would never see this kind of resolution to her loss.

"I can see what's running through your head. You feel guilty don't you?" She asked. "Because in the midst of all this death and destruction you've been given a second chance that the rest of us can't even dare to dream about."

"Have you been talking with Hugh?"

"Please, don't do the guilt thing. Just do us all proud and don't waste a single moment with her."

Chakotay nodded his head, then grew eerily serious. "I have to tell her."

"Ah, that." Andris sighed. "Yes. Yes I suppose you do."

"We're having dinner tonight," he sighed. "I'm not sure how…." Chakotay ran a tense hand through his hair.

Andris placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "She needs to know. Not just what happened, but why." She could tell her words weren't doing anything to help his dilemma. "There was no way you could have predicted this….event." She paused, considering her thoughts. "And she really doesn't have the right to judge you too harshly."

"It's not her judgement of me that I'm worried about."

"I can take care of myself," Andris assured.

"I was going to leave your name out of the conversation."

"I appreciate it, but that's not necessary. I accept responsibility for my actions, Chakotay."

He held a hand up to dismiss her line of thinking. "I don't want to….. I can't hurt her. Not after everything she's been through." Andris thought for a moment he might actually cry.

"I'm afraid that if you choose to tell her, which you will because you're a good and honorable man, hurting her is inevitable. But if she's half the woman you make her out to be, she will forgive you. It may take time, but you will make it. As for tonight, take a long walk. The words will come."

Her suggestion was kind and just the thing Chakotay expected her to say. "You know I'm always here for you….. but this may be the one instance when I need to just stay away." She turned toward the door but paused before leaving. "I'm sorry that I can't help you more my friend."

As the doors to the conference room hissed closed behind her, a single thought flickered. Or maybe I can…..

Chakotay's mind, however, went back to that evening a month ago.

"Dinner was delicious, thank you." Helen said.

"My pleasure, I'm glad you enjoyed it." Chakotay motioned to the sofa, its back to the twinkling stars.

Helen relaxed into the cushions, cradling her glass of wine and swirling it gently. "It was thoughtful of you to remember what today meant to me."

Chakotay glanced towards the floor. "I didn't want you to be alone. I know, it's hard."

"Yes. Yes it is." Helen whispered back.

She pulled herself a little more upright. "But…. I'm tired of dwelling on the past. I need to learn to live more in the present. Like I was doing when you found me on Earth."

Helen drew a contemplative sip from her wine glass. "You used to be pretty good at living in the moment, as I recall. Any tips?"

Chakotay shrugged. "A long time ago, maybe. Life on Voyager was always so intense. It was hard to carve out a space to just…be." He caught himself staring at the bottom of his own glass, as if waiting for something to emerge from the few drops that were left.

"We had a lot of fun once, you and I." Helen sighed. "When did things turn so serious?"

"Part of growing older, I suppose." Chakotay mused.

"And losing people." A somber silence hung in the room.

"Chakotay, I just want you to know, in case tomorrow never comes." She gently placed a hand on his thigh. "I have always loved and respected you in a way that's hard to describe. You're a truly wonderful person."

Chakotay smiled coyly. "Are you breaking up with me?"

Helen laughed. "Yes, I love you. And that's why I have to kill you."

Chakotay shook his head, chuckling and got up to refill their wine glasses. He set the second empty bottle with the first and when he returned, sat a little closer to her. "I care an awful lot about you too, Hells." He put a comforting arm around her shoulder and she smiled at the nickname she hadn't heard in far too long.

She sighed and relaxed into his embrace. "I miss…. This."

"Hmm?" He asked gently.

"Just, being close with someone. Feeling another person's warmth."

Chakotay nodded, silently.

Maybe it was the wine, or the late hour. Or perhaps a combination of the two co-mingled with the warmth and strength of his touch, Helen couldn't be sure. But a thought sparked from somewhere deep inside and Helen was powerless to silence it.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"You know, we're both very lonely people."

"Are we still wallowing or are you going somewhere with this?"

Helen ignored his flippant remark. "I'm not in love with you. And neither of us wants anything serious right now, or possibly ever again." Chakotay nodded his head in complete understanding.

"So I'm going to put it out there. We're consenting adults. We have our priorities in order. And I don't think there is any reason that we can't…. that we shouldn't….enjoy each other's company. In any, and all meanings of the phrase." She let the words sink in. Chakotay took another long drink from his wine glass. Though he wasn't exactly surprised at her proposal, actually hearing her say it was something else altogether.

Helen waited a few moments and then stood and placed a hand on his still seated shoulder. The ball was firmly in his court but she didn't want him to feel pressured. Their friendship would remain, regardless of the outcome of her statement. "Thank you for distracting me today Chakotay. You're a good man." She shifted her weight and began to head for the door but was stopped by the feeling of a strong hand around her wrist. Chakotay spun her towards him and, with an intensity that surprised them both, kissed her hard and full on the lips.