CHAPTER 2

Excalibur

"I'm not sure how much you know about my past, Admiral." As Captain Andris spoke, she motioned to the small sofa that took up a fair amount of space in her quarters-slash-ready room aboard Excalibur.

Admiral Janeway sat and leaned forward to lightly touch a beautifully handcrafted coffee table that sat before them. "Not much, I'm afraid," Janeway admitted. "Only what we discussed before you resigned. I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone more, assuming I'm allowed to remain with the fleet."

Andris nodded. "Did you know that Captain Chakotay and I graduated from the academy together?"

Janeway raised an eyebrow. "No, I didn't."

"He'll never admit it, but I'm the only reason he passed Namimby's "Tactical Analysis" course Junior year.

"You're right, he'd never admit that." Janeway broke a smile. "I didn't realize you two had a…. history."

Andris knew her words were chosen carefully to imply that Janeway was in fact, very interested in how much "history" the two had shared. Andris wanted to set her mind at ease quickly.

"We were fast friends. Practically inseparable our last two years. Chakotay was like that great big brother that always had my back." She noticed Janeway subconsciously relax a bit.

"Our first assignments split us up but a few years later we were assigned to the Heritage together. I won't lie, we had a lot of fun. Probably more than we should have."

Janeway started to think back, but nowhere in her recollection could she remember Chakotay ever mentioning his relationship with Andris. I guess there is still a lot we don't know about each other, she thought.

"Might I assume he is the reason you decided to come back?" Janeway asked.

"Yes. I hadn't seen or spoken to him since he left Starfleet to join the Maquis. Then, a few months ago, he showed up at my door."

"I wondered just what it would take to bring you back to Starfleet," Janeway said.

Andris smiled. "Chakotay can be…..convincing. As I'm sure you know."

Janeway nodded in return and settled back into her seat. "That he can be. I'm glad you agreed. You're clearly a very valuable member of the fleet."

"Thank you, I hope to be," Andris said, secretly wondering if after this conversation she would still be a member of the fleet at all.

"Is your reinstatement going well?" Janeway asked, hoping to move things along. She was beginning to wonder if the Captain called her over just to make small talk.

"It's been an adjustment." Andris admitted. "Excalibur is a remarkable vessel and I couldn't ask for better officers. But she's rather cramped."

"So I've noticed. I look forward to touring her. I'm not very familiar with Defiant-class."

"Our crew has been rotating time on the other ships for recreation and to stretch our legs a bit."

"Smart," Janeway agreed, she couldn't help but feel antsy, there were still so many things requiring her attention. "Is there something that you needed from me, Captain?"

Andris nodded. "Just for you to listen to a story." Janeway cocked her head as the other woman began.

"One afternoon, about a month ago, Chakotay invited me over to Voyager. He was thoughtful enough to remember that it was the third anniversary of Sam's death." She smiled faintly at the memory. "He practically insisted on a few rounds of Velocity. Then we took a walk in the woods. I think he was trying to distract me." Andris's demeanor grew a little more serious. "We went back to his quarters for dinner."

Janeway's felt her breath catch in her throat, though her face didn't betray any emotion.

"Chakotay and I spent most of the evening reminiscing about you and Sam. We kept trying to bring the conversation around to the more pleasant memories, but somehow….we found ourselves right back at the senselessness of it all." Andris steeled herself and met Janeway's eyes. "A few bottles of wine later, I suggested that he and I might find comfort in each others company. In a less than innocent meaning of the phrase."

Janeway was unable to find words to either urge her to continue or to demand that she stop talking all together. Her ears betrayed a slight buzz.

"It was my idea. Not his." Andris watched her closely for signs that she should continue but was met with a blank, emotionless stare. "Please, don't mistake his actions as wavering in his devotion to you. It was a moment of weakness…. It was never going to be anything more than that." Janeway's gaze shifted past Andris's shoulder out to the stars. She could tell the Admiral was doing her best to stay composed, but she had just one more thing to say.

"He's going to tell you tonight. Chakotay loves you and it's killing him that this is going to hurt you," Andris said in a last desperate attempt to undo some of the damage she had just done. Andris waited.

Janeway took a deep breath and stood. She straightened her tunic and Andris rose to meet her. Face to face the women stood at near attention. "Are there going to be any problems with you and Captain Chakotay serving together?" Janeway asked plainly.

"No, Ma'am."

"Will you have any qualms about serving under my command, should I remain Fleet Commander?"

"No, Ma'am. I trust you to be objective to the end."

Janeway nodded, called for a transport and was gone. Then, and only then, did Helen Andris take a breath.

VOYAGER

It had been a long day. When Chakotay finally returned to his quarters he was mentally and physically spent. A great many people and a wide range of issues had demanded his attention before they could move on to their next mission. He was, however, mildly thankful for the distraction they provided in light of the action he knew he had to take this evening. He still had a half an hour to shower, change and meet Kathryn for dinner. Half an hour to figure out what to say.

He expected this would be incredibly difficult. What he didn't expect was that she would be waiting for him.

He found her sitting in the dim light of his quarters, looking out at the stars. She didn't turn when he entered, though her posture betrayed her mood. She seemed, even in the darkness, beaten.

"Kathryn?" he asked. "Are you alright?" Suddenly aware that she may be experiencing unforeseen side-effects from her recent reincarnation, he moved quickly across the room. "Computer…"

"Don't," she said firmly. And he stopped dead, about five paces from her, the lights still dim.

She knows. He thought. Spirits, she knows. But how? How could she possibly….

"I visited Excalibur today," she said, matter-of-factly.

No. No. Please, no.

"Captain Andris is an….interesting woman." Janeway turned slowly in her seat and faced him, her posture now straight.

Chakotay swallowed hard. "Yes."

Silence hung in the air. A voice screamed inside Chakotay's head. Say something. Anything!

"I didn't realize you two were so well acquainted," Janeway stated, emotionless.

Don't just stare at her, say SOMETHING. But alas, the words would not form.

"I guess this explains why we didn't….why you wouldn't…." She hung slightly on her words and Chakotay thought back to the last few nights spent holding each other close but nothing more. He couldn't allow it until the truth had been aired. And it was easy to avoid, she was still having nightmares, still very tired. She knew he was holding back, but she didn't know why.

"I was upset, at first," Kathryn continued. "But then it occurred to me that I really can't judge you."

Chakotay was suddenly noticeable of his breath, or considerable lack thereof, and realized if he didn't concentrate on breathing he would soon pass out.

"We never spoke of our intentions for an exclusive relationship. And, I was dead. Right?" She went on, evenly. "I'm pretty sure that there aren't many precedents for this sort of thing."

The voice inside his head boomed again. Make it right. MAKE. IT. RIGHT. "Kathyrn," he choked finally. Good job, you said her name.

"I want to hear it from you," she said a little too calmly. "I believe you owe me that much."

Chakotay finally found his voice, shaky as it was. "It was about a month ago, we had spent the day together…." He paused when Kathryn started shaking her head.

"Not the act. The intent." She glared at him. "I need to hear why, Chakotay. And exactly what this woman means to you."

Her voice, speaking his name with such distrust. Such cold disassociation. She was slipping away from him and he needed a way to hold fast but he also had to be honest. "Helen means a great deal to me Kathryn," he admitted. "She was….and is now, one of my closest friends. But, I don't love her. Not in that way."

Kathryn didn't so much as blink.

"As for the why…. We were both grieving. And very lonely. She still is. You don't know what your death did to me. You can't possibly imagine…"

"I don't need to imagine, I've been in your place before. But you have to understand, for me, those 14 months didn't pass. By my internal clock, you and I should be meeting in Venice right about now."

Chakotay's memories took him back to that horrible day. The day when he sat, waiting in eager anticipation for the love of his life, his future, his everything. And instead he was met with news of her death. "No." He said flatly. "We should have met in Venice over a year ago. I remember. I was there."

Kathryn was caught off-guard. She hadn't yet gotten around to asking how exactly he had found out. But now she knew. "You…. You went?" She wavered slightly, her voice revealing the first true emotion since he found her in his quarters.

"It doesn't matter now."

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have found out that way," she demurred.

"We're getting off of the topic." He said, fortifying himself, finally sure of what he needed to say. As her strength waned, his solidified.

"You were asking about Helen, about what she means to me. But what you didn't ask was how I feel when I'm around her."

Kathryn looked up at him, unsure.

"You didn't ask if my palms start to sweat when she's near. If, when I see her across a room, I find myself slowly drowning in the possibilities for our future together."

Confident in the newfound strength of his words, Chakotay began moving closer to the sofa. "If I had prayed to the spirits every single day since I met her for the strength to keep her safe and a single chance to win her heart. If, when I'm away from her, I crave her scent….her touch….with every fiber of my being."

Chakotay sat next to Kathryn but did not touch her. "You didn't ask, when I found out that I had lost her…..if I suffocated under a weight so heavy I knew I would die." His voice started to waver, his eyes suddenly stinging. "And when she was finally brought back to me, I was sure that I had."

"Chakotay…" she whispered.

"The answer to those questions is no, Kathryn. I feel those things only for you."

Tentatively at first, she inched closer to him. She could feel his warmth radiating and he put his strong arms around her. They sat, still, but holding each other for a long while.

After a time he asked softly, "Are we okay?"

There was a pause. And then she said the most wonderful thing he had ever heard.

"We will be."