Part 45
Maria made herself right at home in Indigo's kitchen the next morning and after browsing through his well-stocked pantry and refrigerator she started making breakfast. She was pretty sure Michael hadn't eaten since the day before when they had left San Angelo and the knowledge that he hadn't spent the night having sex with some random woman had put her in a generous mood.
Part of her really wanted to know why he hadn't hooked up with someone the night before; he wasn't a man who could be overlooked on a normal day and he had gone out dressed to kill. Which meant that it had been his decision to come back to the house alone because there was no way he hadn't been propositioned, she thought. She had no intention of asking, of course, because that would just put him in a bad mood and she didn't feel like she was ready to deal with that just yet.
An even bigger part of her wanted to know what had brought him to her room when he had come back. It wasn't the first time he had done it and on the rare occasion when she was just awake enough to realize he was there she had watched him, but she had never revealed that she knew he was there. She had no idea how he would react if he knew she was aware of his nocturnal visits, but she had a feeling he would get defensive and argumentative.
He always seemed to be searching for something but she could only assume that he hadn't yet found it because he kept coming back. Something had been different the night before though, and she couldn't pinpoint what it was. She had been so busy trying to keep her breathing under control that she had nearly given herself away. She had felt him tense up and pull away and it had taken a couple of minutes before she had realized what he was waiting for.
She rolled her eyes as she finished chopping the vegetables and carried the cutting board over to scrape them into the pan with the thin strips of steak. She could just imagine what his reaction would've been after their earlier fight.
"Good God, woman, if I'd known you could cook like this I never would've let Guerin run off with you when we first met."
Maria turned to smile at Indigo, shaking her head in warning when he reached for a piece of the bacon that was piled high on a plate on the counter.
"I'd leave it alone, Indigo," Michael advised as he joined them and crossed to the refrigerator. He was reaching for a beer when Maria smoothly intercepted him and handed him a glass of orange juice.
Indigo's eyebrows nearly shot off of his forehead when the other man didn't say a single word in protest. He hurried to cover his shock by grabbing the morning paper he had carried in and pretending to glance over the headlines while really watching his guests. He folded the paper over and was reaching for a piece of bacon when Maria suddenly turned around and popped the hell out of his knuckles.
"Do not touch that bacon until breakfast is on the table," Maria warned.
Michael roared with laughter when Indigo's mouth dropped open in shock and the big man cradled his stinging hand to his chest. "Dumb fuck," he muttered with just the slightest hint of affection in his tone. "I told you to leave it alone."
Indigo retreated to the table on the other side of the room, his nose buried in his paper as he pouted over being told no. His wounded ego was quickly forgotten as his gaze was once more drawn to his guests and he watched their interaction with each other. He still couldn't get over just how at ease Michael was around her; in all the years he had known the other man he had never seen him so comfortable with another person.
Maria cracked several eggs into a mixing bowl and placed it on the counter that Michael was sitting on, and when she moved to check the steak and vegetables sautéing in the frying pan he picked up the bowl and started to whisk the eggs.
"Is this a batch with the hot sauce or without?" he asked, glancing at her.
"With," she answered, removing the pan from the burner and setting it aside. "I used more eggs since I know Indigo likes hot sauce on his - "
"How'd you know that?" Michael interrupted.
Maria turned to look at Michael, surprised by his angry tone. "What?"
"You said you know Indigo likes hot sauce on his eggs - how do you know that?" he clarified, trying to contain his feelings. The last thing he wanted to do was sound like a jealous boyfriend.
Maria rolled her eyes at the jealousy she could hear in his voice. "He was in L.A. while you were away on that last assignment and we had dinner together; we went to a café that served breakfast all day and that's what he ordered."
"You never said anything about seein' him," Michael muttered. What else was she hiding from him?
Maria rolled her eyes. Another typical Michael Guerin attitude, no matter which universe they were in - he was possessive; he just didn't like Maria getting along with other guys. In her universe, Max, Alex, and Kyle had been the only guys whom he had accepted and allowed to be around her. Max because he trusted him and knew that he was crazy about Liz, Alex because… well, because he loved Isabel, and Kyle because it was obvious that there was nothing there. Michael hadn't felt threatened by any of them, but any other guy… oh, boy! And this Michael was taking the same path. "Well, if you remember, you were a little under the weather when you got back from Cairo, Michael. Besides, why does it matter? He's your friend and you trust him; it never occurred to me that it'd bother you if we had dinner together."
Michael shook his head in denial, shrugging as he went back to beating the eggs. "It doesn't bother me. I just like to know what's goin' on in my absence."
Yeah, right! "Okay, well, now you know." She handed him a bottle of hot sauce and motioned to the bowl he held in his lap. "Finish beating those eggs."
Indigo shook his head and turned his attention back to the newspaper lying on the table in front of him. It didn't take long before his gaze slid back to them though, and he watched as they moved around each other with practiced ease.
Maria put the finishing touches on the first omelet and slid it onto the plate Michael held, nodding over her shoulder to indicate that it was for Indigo. She added more hot sauce to the remaining egg mixture, waiting for the oil to heat up before she poured it into the pan. She made sure to pile on the ingredients for Michael's omelet, adding extra cheese and folding it over before sliding it onto the waiting plate. She topped it off with more of the steak and vegetables, and added a side of hash browns and bacon before handing it to the man waiting expectantly close by.
Michael accepted the plate from her and he paused before turning to go to the table. "Thanks, y'know, for…" He held the plate up and shrugged uncomfortably before escaping to the table.
Maria quickly covered her shock and focused on making her own breakfast. Saying thank you wasn't a phrase that she could recall being a part of Michael's vocabulary one single time since they had first met; it was unexpected and not entirely unpleasant. She just wasn't sure how to respond to it.
Indigo noticed they did the same thing when they finally settled down at the table and he found himself observing them and paying very little attention to the steak omelet that had been placed before him. Michael reached for the jar of salsa and she was a step ahead of him, uncapping it and handing it to him before his hand had made it much further than the edge of his plate. She finished her juice and Michael went to get the pitcher from the refrigerator to refill her glass without her ever saying a word. She buttered his toast, he snagged a strip of bacon off of her plate, and the small interchanges continued throughout the meal.
"You got any new assignments comin' up?" he asked finally. He forced himself to focus on the plate in front of him as the other man responded to his question.
Maria watched Michael as he talked to his friend, trying to understand what was going on with him. Something big had happened to him, something that she could… feel, but she couldn't figure out what it was; he was talking to Indigo but it was obvious - to her at least - that his mind was elsewhere. She knew he didn't have any assignments lined up so she didn't bother following their conversation as she studied him without being too obvious about it.
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Maria settled into the seat next to Michael and reached down to fasten her seatbelt. The plan had been to fly back to L.A. with Indigo but one of his lady friends had called him with some sort of personal emergency and he had taken off in the middle of breakfast. Her companion's mood had taken a bad turn at that but he hadn't expressed any interest in discussing it so she had backed off, cleaning up the mess from their meal and leaving him alone while he called to make arrangements to catch a flight out of Albuquerque.
She glanced down when he fastened his own seatbelt, pulling it much tighter than was necessary, before his hand landed on the armrest between them. He had taken the aisle seat, claiming that it was the more defensible position should trouble arise, but his white-knuckled grip easily explained his refusal to take the window seat. "Why didn't you just tell me you have a problem with flying?" she dared to ask.
"I don't have a problem with it," he snarled. He pressed himself as far back into the seat as he could go and stared at the ceiling when the plane began to taxi down the runway.
"Michael, it's nothing to be ashamed of. But if you had told me, we could've just drove back to L.A. and you wouldn't have had to - "
"I just don't like commercial flights, okay? The pilots are civilians." His voice was practically dripping with disdain. "What do they know about emergency situations?"
He was afraid of flying? Her Michael hadn't had that fear that she knew of, but then again, they had never taken a flight anywhere either. They had always done their traveling by road. Hmmm, maybe it came from the crash… some leftover memory, maybe? Even if he didn't consciously remember it, he knew he had survived the crash that had killed nearly all of the other aliens onboard the ship. Maria made an effort to comfort him, not liking the fact that he was in any kind of distress. "Well, I'm pretty sure they're trained to handle - "
"They're civilians," he hissed through gritted teeth.
Okay, she wasn't gonna win this one, Maria thought. She needed to distract him before he tore the armrests off of the seats. "I could call Gabriel when we get home and tell him I can't make it in tonight. We could watch a movie or something and then later maybe I could make a cake or something."
"I liked that key lime pie you made a while back," he muttered. He could feel his heart pounding as the plane leveled out and his gaze left the ceiling when Maria leaned closer to him and her right arm settled on the armrest against his. The feeling of calm washed over him and he looked at her when she made a sound of agreement while caressing his arm. "What'd you think of Dupree?" he asked after a few minutes.
Maria sighed. She had gotten some vibes from the old man, vibes that she hadn't liked. There was just so much sadness and anger in him. "I think he's very lonely. He's spent his whole life chasing after the truth and in the process he lost everything that was precious to him. I feel sorry for him." She shook her head. "To spend so much of your life alone because you're too obsessed to care until it's too late… that's just very sad." She paused for a few minutes. She wondered how she would feel if she had been cloned and she met the person who had made that possible, albeit unwillingly. Or, what if she had met another Maria from a parallel universe? That would be a life changing event! She shook her head and brought herself back to Michael's problem. "What'd you think of him?"
Michael was silent for a while and his gaze was drawn to her fingers when they started to rub the back of his rigid hand in a soft, soothing manner. "They didn't have any right to do what they did to him. I know they were doin' what was necessary to ensure their survival, but, to just take someone and hold them captive… to do medical experiments on them… to keep them locked away for months at a time while cutting them off from any kind of human contact… that's cruel and it's the kinda thing that could drive someone with a weaker mind insane."
Maria stared at him, realizing that he was speaking from experience and that thought made her incredibly sad. She wouldn't ask him about it though, that was the kind of thing that was incredibly personal and unless he brought it up she knew it was best to leave it alone. She and Liz had talked many times about Max's capture by Pierce and she knew it had taken a long time before he had even been able to talk to Liz about it, to tell her what they had done to him. Trying to get Michael to talk about it would only be asking for trouble; he would feel like she was prying and he would get defensive and angry, so it was best to let him bring it up - if he ever chose to do so, which she doubted.
She glanced at her watch. They only had about half an hour of the flight left, so she needed to keep him talking. He hadn't really answered her question about what he thought of the old man, but maybe he wasn't ready for that just yet. "You guys were gone for quite a while this morning… any opinions, or conclusions you wanna share?"
Any conclusions? He still wasn't sure what to think about Dupree and the whole crazy situation that had led to him meeting his human donor. It wasn't exactly the kinda thing that happened every day. He needed more time to be at ease with the fact that he was related to the old man, that he was in some way his father. It was so… crazy! It was insane, was what it was. Completely out of some freaky TV show! "He was… different than I expected, I guess." He shrugged. "It was just weird to meet someone that was so much like me. Y'know, he brought up an interesting fact while we were talkin' an' I was kinda wonderin' what you'd think about it." He reached up to scratch his eyebrow with his thumb.
"What's that?" Maria asked, happy that he was confiding in her and eager to help him.
Michael hesitated. He knew that Maria still wasn't completely comfortable with his job so that made it something of a sensitive subject. He wasn't even sure he was ready to discuss it, much less on a commercial flight that could crash and burn at any moment since there were civilian idiots at the controls. He turned to tell her to forget that he had said anything but he saw how focused she was as she watched him, her face practically glowing with a happiness that he didn't understand. He swore under his breath; he couldn't turn her down now. "I chose a career in the military field and I'm very good at what I do… I'm not braggin' myself up or anything, it's just a fact." He shrugged when she motioned for him to continue. "D'you think it's a coincidence that I chose that career? I mean, you said that Michael had no interest in that type of work and yet, it's the field that fits me best."
"It is a field that fits you well, Michael," she assured him, still absently rubbing his hand. "He wouldn't have done well in the field that you've chosen…" She hesitated before saying more, not wanting to piss him off with yet another comparison, but not knowing how else to say it. "But you have to remember that there are a lot of differences between the two of you."
Somehow, this worried him. It shouldn't, but it did, because it could mean that he was more alien than her Michael. Was he closer to that killer dupe that she had mentioned? The one who had killed his brother, his king? "You think it's possible that I have more of Rath's personality than he did?"
Maria searched his eyes, reading the worry that was clearly visible in the dark depths. It had to be frightening for him to know about aliens, to have all the answers and to realize that many of the aliens weren't good guys. He never saw himself as the bad guy, just someone doing his job by hunting down the bad guys and dealing with them. There was a difference. And now he felt like that was in question because he was afraid of being too much like his old self? She didn't know much about the original Rath, but she didn't think that he had been someone to be ashamed of. Courtney had said that he'd had his own followers and that he would've rather died than ever betray his king. He was very faithful, something that both her Michael and this Michael had in common. "No, I think that you didn't have the influences he did growing up; you didn't have the same experiences that shape us as we become adults, and because of that you chose two very different paths in life."
That didn't really help Michael very much. If he had chosen this path because it fit him, it meant that he was more alien than his double and he had been able to fight this darker side of himself. "Meanin' he chose the respectable path and I chose the path of a killer."
"No, I'm not saying that at all, Michael." She shifted to face him more fully and she reached out to grasp his chin, forcing his gaze to hers. "Listen to me, okay? He killed Pierce to save the rest of us and it tormented him for a very long time; he never got over that, he carried it with him regardless of how much time had passed. It's very possible that I'm the reason he couldn't kill Pierce and then bury any emotions it evoked; our relationship allowed him to open up and let himself feel." Maria remembered very well how scared Michael had been that he would hurt her once he had realized that he could kill her with little more than the wave of his hand.
"So, it made him weak." He shook his head when he saw the hurt in her eyes at his bald statement. "That didn't come out right. As a soldier you've gotta be able to shut things out, to compartmentalize, and you've gotta be cold and calculating when the time calls for it. From what you've said about him, he couldn't have done that. I'm not tryin' to put him down or anything, it's just another difference between us." He shrugged. "I've got twenty-nine confirmed kills on my record, and I've never once felt so much as a moment of regret for any of them. It's just a job to me; there's no emotion involved and it doesn't even matter who the target is. I don't care about them or any family or loved ones that they leave behind… there's nothin' in me that feels the slightest bit of regret or guilt for killin' 'em."
Maria swallowed with difficulty as he discussed his job without any emotional inflection in his voice. This was one of the biggest differences between him and her Michael; she didn't hold it against him because he had never had anyone in his life to influence him any other way, but she didn't know how to approach it either.
Michael watched her, his dark gaze taking in every nuance of her facial expressions and he looked away when he saw the disappointment in her eyes. Why did it even matter what she thought of him anyway? Since when did he care what anyone, and especially Maria, thought about him?
Maria's eyes widened in surprise when he looked away and she realized that her thoughts must be written across her face clear enough for him to read them. She hadn't meant to hurt him, and she could see that was exactly what she had done. "Look, Michael, I don't pretend to understand what you do or how you do it without feeling anything… I have no point of reference for it; this is new territory for me." She gave him a small smile when he looked at her again. "I had a long talk with Indigo when you were in Cairo and it helped me to see your job in a different light. I don't look at you and see some murderer; I know the people you've killed in the line of duty were marked for death because they represented a threat in some form, but it's not an easy thing for me to accept and it's not something that's gonna happen overnight. There's a lot of your job that I do understand, like the times when you're protecting people, or the times when you're sent out to find people or things that are missing."
"You just don't understand how I can kill without remorse," Michael said, summing it up for her.
Maria winced at his blunt words, but yeah, it was true. She didn't want to cause him any pain, but she couldn't deny her own feelings. "No, I don't. I'm not judging you for it, either, though. Maybe, like you said, that's really the only way you can do that job."
Michael took a deep breath. Yeah, it was the only way and he had to find a way to make her understand that. Damn, that little voice inside his head was still there, popping up from time to time, pushing him to do things that he wasn't used to doing. It sucked to have a conscience, when he had never had one. Why did it have to show up now and talk to him, anyway? No guy in the field had to deal with that, so why him? And why now? Maria, of course, that was the only logical answer. "Emotions get you killed in the field, Maria. You let emotion get involved and you risk makin' a mistake that'll compromise your life or your mission… there's no point in doin' this kinda job if you're gonna be stupid about it."
"Why did you choose this line of work, Michael?" she asked. "What made you sign up for it?"
"At 17 I didn't really have any idea what I wanted to do with my life and the recruiter was very persuasive… travel around the world, earn a hefty paycheck, and eventually move up to a position where I could choose my own jobs." He shrugged. "I didn't have any family, I had no ties to anyone or anything, and there wasn't anyone who would've questioned it if I came up missin' or if I died on a mission. It just worked out well for me and the Company."
Maria could feel her heart constrict in her chest. It hurt to hear him talk like that, to verbally acknowledge that no one would miss him or be upset if he were to be killed in the line of duty. His coldness towards killing human beings was beginning to make sense. He had never cared for anyone and no one had ever cared for him, ever loved him, or ever waited at home for him. He was a stonewall, and even worse than her Michael had ever been. As a result, feelings like love, guilt, and remorse were strangers to him. "Have you ever been close to anyone? Formed any kind of lasting relationship or bond, anything?"
Michael thought about that for a little while… not that he really had that many "relations" to go through. "Indigo an' Stone, I guess. There's not really anyone else."
Maria nodded, sad that he had so few friends. "That makes sense; you're drawn to people who're like you because they understand what you do."
"Never really thought much about it, but that's probably true," he agreed. "Y'know, Dupree doesn't have anyone… well, he's got a maid, but it's not like there's much of a connection there. There's no one to miss him when he's gone… we've got that in common too."
"You honestly think Indigo and Stone wouldn't miss you if you were gone?" Maria didn't like thinking about Michael's death. She suddenly jerked, her breath catching in her throat at the realization that, for the first time, she hadn't thought about her Michael in connection to the word death; her thoughts had been for the Michael sitting beside her. She bit her lips, knowing very well what that meant… she had deeper feelings for this man than she had originally thought. The feeling of betrayal came back in a flash, tormenting her and it took an extreme effort to try and contain her tears. She didn't want to have feelings for another Michael! Hers was the only one for her, he was! She couldn't possibly love two men at the same time. Right? God, she really needed Liz! Liz would know what to say to her to help her make sense of this mess she'd gotten herself into.
Michael was lost in his own thoughts, missing Maria's emotional episode as he answered, "Well, they'd probably miss me for a while, but it's not like they wouldn't be able to go on with their lives before long. Dupree had a fiancé years ago… someone who would've missed him and he threw that relationship away. There's no one left for him now."
Maria forced herself to focus on him; it was easier than focusing on her conflicted feelings. "Michael, he's not you and you're not him; you're related, but you don't have to live to be almost 90 years old with no one you love around you. You've still got time to change that."
His hand gripped the armrest again when the plane suddenly jolted and his heart started to pound. "I fuckin' hate civilian pilots!"
Maria reached out to pry his fingers off of the armrest he was gripping. "Michael, hey, you can let go; we just landed."
Michael's eyes shot open and he leaned forward to look out through the window next to her. He slumped back in his seat and ran his right hand over his eyes. "I can't wait to get off of this plane and go home."
Once they had made it into the terminal and they hailed a cab to take them over to the airfield where he had left the truck when they had left for their flight a few days earlier. They had been able to fly out on a smaller plane piloted by an ex-military officer and Michael had been fine on that flight, so now she knew why he hadn't had a problem with flying back with Indigo in the pilot's seat. "Why don't we pick up something for dinner on our way home?" she suggested as they stepped out of the cab and made their way to the truck.
Michael tossed his bag in the backseat and glanced at her over the top of the truck. "Chinese okay?" he asked.
Ha, yeah, Michael and food… talk about a true love story! She couldn't help but smile at her thoughts. "Yeah, that sounds good. We should stop at that little place off of San Jacinto Avenue; they've got the best Kung Pao chicken out of all the restaurants we've tried so far. Oh, and they've got the dry garlic spareribs that you like, too."
"You still gonna call in tonight?" He nodded when she answered affirmatively. "We got the stuff for that pie?"
"We should stop and pick up some fresh limes; it tastes much better than using the stuff in the bottle."
Michael slid in behind the wheel and inserted the key into the ignition, starting the truck and checking over everything while she got settled into the passenger's seat. He wasn't about to admit it, but he was glad that she had decided to call in to work and stay home for the night. He couldn't explain it, but he felt the need to be near her in some capacity after the exhaustion and stress of the past few days.