CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
NAGATO'S LIST (PART TWO)
"Number thirteen; walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!" etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. Who's going to do this one," Nagato asked, eyeing the one person who had yet to take a turn. Everyone turned to face the white haired man of the group.
"What," Kakashi asked, looking at them with feigned confusion etched onto his face. He had been avoiding this moment.
"Boss, you're next," Pakkun said poking his head out of Jade's purse, making some kids squeal excitedly at the sight of the little doggie. Nagato reread what he had to do, and Kakashi was off to find his victim. He found a random man who looked to be in his mid-to-late twenties.
"Hey! I haven't seen you in so long," he exclaimed, playing his part as he casually strode up to the man. The guy looked up at him, question marks seemingly spouting over his head.
"I don't…" the man trailed off, not knowing what to do at the sudden arrival of the blond. It seemed he knew him from somewhere, but his mind drew a blank. "What's your name again?"
"Kakashi, Kakashi Hatake. We went to high school together," Kakashi explained coming to a stop before his target. He couldn't see the others, aside from Kim, but he knew they were watching, making sure he played his part. "I was the transfer student from Japan. We had gym class together, and I ended up breaking my arm when we tried to ditch class and escape through the window."
"That's right! Kashi, how could I forget you? I'm really sorry about your arm though." Why did he have to play along? Why couldn't he have just walked away and called him a freak? "I never really was the best climber."
"It's alright."
"What brings you back here? Last I heard you went back to Japan."
"Oh I got lost on the road of life and ended up here, and decided not to leave." He made brief eye contact with Kim, silently pleading for her to get him out of the strange situation. She avoided his stare and went to look at a rack of clothing.
"Ah! She's a keeper," the man said, following the blond's gaze.
"Excuse me?" Kakashi's attention snapped back to the man, his neck popping in the process.
"The girl that's keeping you here." He motioned to Kim with his shoulder. "It was nice catching up with you, but the wife is waiting on me." The man clamped a hand down on the Hatake's shoulder, flashing him a sincere smile. "Oh, and congratulations on the baby." With that said he walked away.
"Kashi, how could I forget you," Kim mocked as Kakashi walked over to her, only to stop when she saw the stricken expression her friend wore. "Are you okay?"
"You do realize where you're standing, right?" He watched as her dark eyes took in their surroundings, becoming more and more confused.
"Babies are cute." He shot her a glare, to which she just smiled nervously. She didn't understand why standing in the baby department would weird out the man.
"Nevermind."
"Alright! Number fourteen, while walking through the clothing department, ask yourself, loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap, anyway?" Who's up to bat?"
"I've got it," Konan said. She walked to the clothing department. Walking straight through she looked at all the clothes and made a face at what she saw. Then just loud enough for her voice to carry she asked herself, "Who buys this crap, anyway?" Some of the people that were looking at the clothes started to mutter and put the things that they were looking at back. The blue haired girl felt a little bad, it's not like there was anything wrong with the clothes. She walked back to the group. "Next?"
"Number fifteen, repeat number fourteen in the jewelry department." He looked at the others questioningly.
Hana raised her hand and walked over to the jewelry department. She scanned the display cases with a look of distaste. Then loud enough for all to hear she complained, "Who buys this crap anyways? I mean if my boyfriend or husband were to buy me my Christmas present from here I would be pissed. If he really loves me he would by me something from Kay, Jared's, or maybe even Tiffany's. Not this cheap stuff." The other women in the department looked at their husbands or boyfriends with expectantly. They women silently praised the brunette while the guys cursed her. "All done," Hana chirped walking up to the group.
"You know, you only had one line," Itachi reminded the girl.
"I know, but I wanted to make all those girl's Christmas a little bit better," she replied with a shy smile.
"Number sixteen ride a display bicycle through the store and claim you're taking it for a "test drive." Who gets to do this?" Hinata raised her hand shyly and blushed when everyone stared at her.
"Alright Hinata-chan! You're such a rebel, dattebayo," Naruto exclaimed as he draped an arm over her shoulders and led her to where the bikes were. Kim took the video camera out of her hand and trailed after them along with the others.
When they got the aisle behind the toy section with all the bikes, they worked on getting one down without drawing to much attention. They had pulled down an old-fashioned light purple bicycle with a little basket. The shy girl got on and started to ride it up and down the aisles. Then she started to go around the store before an employee stopped her in the beauty aisle.
"What do you think you're doing," he asked her.
"Taking it for a test drive," she replied innocently. The guy sighed and asked her to get off, then went to go put the bike back where it was supposed to be. Naruto grabbed the shy girl's hand a led her back to the where the others were.
"What's next," Naruto shouted, a skip in his step.
"Number seventeen, follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. Who gets to be a creeper?"
"I'll do it," Sakura said before she disappeared into the nearest aisle, which happened to be the shampoo aisle. She found an elderly couple and followed them. The old woman felt as if she was being watched, and when she looked up she saw a strange girl with pink hair looking at the shampoo selection. When they moved down another aisle, the girl with the odd hair color was still there. Whenever she caught the girl's eye, the girl would smile brightly at her. The old woman grabbed her husband by the arm and dragged him out of the department in hopes of getting rid of the strange child.
"What was up with that smile," Jade asked, making Sakura hide her face in embarrassment. "It just screamed psycho murderer."
"Number eighteen, play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. Someone get a soccer ball," he shouted the last part. Naruto returned with a green soccer ball in hand.
"We should play girls against guys," Kim suggested plucking the ball from Naruto's hands. She bounced the ball on her knees, then dropping it to the floor, she kicked it towards Konan. The game began. They didn't have any goals; they just played a version of keep away. A security guard went and broke them up before they could cause any damage to the store.
As they were all standing huddled together Nagato pulled out the list from his pocket.
"Number nineteen, as the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" Naruto I think this would be a good one for you," he suggested to his cousin. The blond shrugged and walked over to the check-out lanes. He walked up to the one that had the same woman that Deidara had pissed off.
"Did you see that," he asked the woman. "And that too? This is so cool! Wow! It's like magic!" He had started clapping his hands jumping up and down in excitement. Then woman had a tired look on her face. She was wondering what she had done to be tormented by evil annoying blonds. When the teenager bagged the last of her things after she had paid, she high tailed it out of the store. "I think she hates us," Naruto told Deidara. The other blond could only nod in agreement.
"Number twenty, put M&M's on layaway. Sasuke you're the only one that hasn't done one yet, so you're up." Sasuke just shrugged and walked into the checkout lane, grabbed three dollars' worth of M&M's, and walked to customer service.
"I would like to put these on layaway," Sasuke told the girl in a no nonsense tone of voice.
"Um… sir, I don't think you can put M&M's on layaway." He glared at her, and the girl quickly scanned his items, and put them away in a plastic bag. "You can pay it in payments or in full whenever you like," the girls squeaked out. Before she could start flirting with him he walked away. "Who's next?"
"Number twenty-one, move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. Who-"Before he could finish Itachi grabbed a couple wet floor signs and moved them to the carpeted areas. Then he walked back to the group calmly. "Well I guess we move on to the next one then. Number twenty-two, set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. We can all do this one, and no Itachi you can't get out of it." The Uchiha frowned, but was pulled along by Hana.
In the center of the camping department, they pitched a large green tent. They had argued over what color it should be before Hinata got upset and grabbed a tent at random. Someone had gotten bricks from the garden department to weigh the tent down. They had also made a fake campfire and set up two collapsible camp chairs. Somehow they had all managed to fit inside the tent at the same time.
"Hey! Hey you!" The man that Kim was calling out to pointed to himself, clearly confused. "Yeah you, come over here, I have something to tell you. Okay, if you want to join us in here all you need to do is bring your own pillow from the bedding department." Kakashi then stuck his head out.
"Hey it's you," the man exclaimed. "I kind of figured out what was going on a little too late. Me and a couple of the guys talked about doing the list last week. Good luck finishing it." Before he walked away with his wife, he gave Kakashi a thumbs up and a wink, making exaggerated motions towards the oblivious ebony haired girl beside him.
"Kashi, your friend ruined it," Kim pouted, looking up at the man. Kakashi wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her back into the tent, a furious flush hidden by his scarf.
"Yeah Sensei," Sakura added once everyone had settled down. "What's next on the list?"
"Number twenty-three, test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. We can all do this one, and we are already in the outdoors department." They all climbed out of the tent, leaving the marvelous campsite display, and went over to where the fishing rods were.
"I want the Barbie one," Kim shouted.
"No, I want that one," Jade shouted back running to where the display was. They started to argue about who should get the rod. When they got to loud Deidara intervened.
"I'll use this one, un," he said taking the bright pink fishing rod from their hands.
"Well I guess it fits. The one who looks the most like Barbie should get the Barbie rod," Jade said shrugging, leaving her boyfriend to pout over his choice. After that they both decided to get matching purple rods, and Kim got the pink fishing pole.
Soon the entire group broke off into pairs and went fishing.
"Number twenty-four, ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon."
Deidara walked nonchalantly down the aisles. He got weird looks from the others that he asked for Grey Poupon. Until he met one old man.
"Sir, do you have any Grey Poupon, un?"
"I'm sorry to say that I don't young lady, but I have some mayo if you know what I mean."
"I'm a boy," Deidara replied offended, and disgusted.
"Well you should get a haircut, Hippie! And what's with you grunting all the time, it gives people the wrong idea?"
"It's a speech impediment, you nasty old geezer, un!" Before the blond could lose his temper Itachi and Nagato pulled him away kicking and screaming.
"Number twenty-five, drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!"
"I going to do that one," Kim yelled getting excited. She grabbed a black blanket and tied it around her neck. Looking at Sasuke, she pulled the blanket to cover her mouth and in a deep voice said, "Come, Robin to the Batcave!"
"Why do you get to be Batman?" She fully zipped up her jacket and pulled the hood on. On the front of her gray jacket was a black Bat-symbol outlined in yellow, and on the hood were pointed bat ears. He disappeared for a second, and came back wearing a Superman shirt. "I'm Superman, so I can't be Robin."
"What the hell! You can't do that!"
"I just did."
"Jade loves me, she'll be Robin. Right Jade?"
"Not that much. He dresses light a traffic light. Not to mention the scaly panties," was Jade's retort. "Nagato what's the next one."
"Number twenty-six, teepee as much of the store as possible. We can all do this one as we go. So moving on to number twenty-seven, randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. We can do this one as we go too. Moving on to the next one. Number twenty-eight, play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. Finally one that we can do."
"Hey this calculator has letters, 'ttebayo," Naruto stated. "I love RAMEN," he said as he spelled it out. "Teehee! What's the next one?"
"Uh… Number twenty-nine, when someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
"I've got this," Sakura said.
"You know when someone says 'I've got this' something bad always goes wrong," Nagato explained. "Deidara said the same thing before he lost both of his arms."
"I remember that," Konan said, perking up.
"Hey! You didn't have to bring that up, un! And it was his fault," he cried, pointing at Kakashi.
"You killed the Kazekage," the white haired man retorted before returning to his book, which Kim plucked out of his hands and placed it in the large purse she held.
"Details and he came back to life, un."
"Whatever, I will do this one," Sakura stated, walking away. She walked into the freezer section of the store. Looking at everything with a look of confusion on her face. An older man in his mid-thirties walked over to her.
"Do you need any help sweetie?"
"Why won't you people just leave me alone," she cried, crocodile tears falling from her eyes. The people around them started to give the man dirty glares. The same old lady that Sakura had previously stalked, walked over to them. She began to hit the man with her purse.
"Shoo! Get out of here! Leave this poor girl alone," she shouted at the man, hitting him with her purse until he went away. The old woman spoke to Sakura in a soothing tone. "Are you alright dearie? That man didn't try to hurt you did he?" Sakura shook her head no. Her shoulders were shaking, not from crying but from her suppressed laughter. The woman mistook it for the former. "It's okay. Did you come here with anyone," the girl nodded, "Alright let's go find them."
Itachi and Kim pushed Sasuke forward, whispering words of encouragement in his ear. He glared at his siblings and stalked off to go retrieve Sakura from the old lady.
"Oh look dearie is that one of your friends there," the woman said pointing to Sasuke. She got the affirmative for the pinkette. "He's a handsome young fellow. Definitely a keeper," she whispered causing the girl to blush. "Don't let him get away." Sasuke had heard her and smirked.
"It's not like that between us. We're just friends." That caused him to frown. He would just have to work that much harder to win back her affection. When they got back to the group Nagato was reading off the next thing on the list.
"Number thirty, when two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" Naruto I choose you," he yelled, throwing an imaginary ball at the boy. Naruto saluted him with an "Aye, sir!" and ran off.
"Red Rover! Red Rover," Naruto yelled as he ran between a couple that was holding hands. He pushed them apart with a little too much force and nocked the guy down on his behind.
"You little shit! Get back here," the girl screeched chasing after the blond. He screamed and ran to hide behind Konan. "Tell this little shit that he shouldn't push people!"
"Don't insult him, you slut," Hinata told the girl, surprising everyone. The girl back down and walked away in a huff after the pale eyed girl glared at her.
"GO Hinata," the girls cheered.
"She's silent but deadly," Nagato commented, a proud grin on his face.
"Did you just compare her to a fart," Hana asked causing everyone to stare at him. He blushed and pulled out the list.
"Number thirty-one, make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
"I'm doing this one," Jade said, jumping off of Deidara's back in search of an easy target. Hm… He looks like a new guy, she thought staring at an employee. He looked to be about sixteen, awkward looking, a shaved head, and possibly an idiot. She strutted over to him. "Hey do have any Shnerples or Blapples here?"
"Uh…" that was the only thing that could come out of the teen's mouth. He eyed her hungrily. "Wait here?" He walked over to the phone behind one of the checkout counters. "Can I have some assistance? Do we have any Shnerples or Blapples in stock," his voice rang out through the store. When he looked up again, Jade was nowhere in sight.
"I think he's going to get fired," Itachi commented, watching the boy panic.
"Well it's his fault for being an idiot," Jade replied.
"Number thirty-two, take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men, and number thirty-three, take bets on the battle described above."
"Can it be a battle between the Justice League and The Avengers? The justice League would so kick The Avengers' collective asses," Kim asked with a look of determination, tiny hands clenched into fists.
"No," Sasuke said. "It will be a battle between Superman and Batman."
"Bring it on, ya little booger," Kim yelled in his face.
"Let's do this, ya giant booger! Superman will defeat Batman."
With those proud declarations, the two ran to the toy aisle. Once there, they pulled Batman and Superman action figures off the shelves and carefully opened the packages before taking seats on the ground. Some of the little kids along with their parents watched on curiously.
"Superman is the man of steel. There is no way a human can defeat him."
"You don't know what Batman has in his utility belt," Kim shot back, pulling out a Batarang and making Batman throw it at Superman. Sasuke made him fly out of the way.
"Even if that hit him it would only tear his suit," Sasuke taunted. A crowd was beginning to gather around the two teens. A few of the others were walking around taking bets. Kim threw fake blue gem stones on the ground.
"Green Kryptonite causes him pain, Red Kryptonite takes away his inhibitions, but blue Kryptonite takes away his powers," Kim explained.
"All I have to do is stay away and I'll be fine. Besides I have long range attacks, and Batman can't even fly."
"Kid hand me that over there," she asked a little kid, pointing towards something high on a shelf. He came back with a giant smile and a package in hand. Kim opened the package and took out its contents. She placed her Batman in the little jet. "Superman meet the Batwing!" She shot projectiles at the flying Superman. Under her breath she muttered, "not to be confused with Luke Fox."
"Guys the manager is coming," Jade called frantically. They dropped their toys on the floor and took off running, and took cover in the bedding department.
"Alright number thirty-four, nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. Hana you have the longest hair, you do this one."
Hana walked over to where the combs and brushes were hanging on a wall. She took out her ponytail and her hair fell down to her upper thigh. Pulling a brush off the shelf she started to brush through her long hair. She did it until she saw an employee fast approaching her, then she ran.
"Number thirty-five, while handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are." Everyone turned their heads to look at Sasuke.
"Why is everyone looking at me?" It was like everyone had suddenly become mute. "Fine, I'll do it," he bemoaned and walked over to the designated area. He picked up one of the rifles that was on display, and started to mess around with it. The entire time he had a serious expression on his face.
"Can I help you," the clerk asked coming around corner, hoping for an easy sell.
"Yeah, can you point me to where the antidepressants are," he asked, keeping his face blank. The clerk panicked. He snatched the rifle out of Sasuke's hands and was getting ready to call security. When he looked up to check on the boy, he was gone.
"Shut up," Sasuke growled out when he walked up to the groups of laughing idiots. Even his brother was laughing at him. "What's then next one?"
"Number thirty-six, hold indoor shopping cart races. Let's skip this one it doesn't sound that much fun. Number thirty-seven, dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible. Does anyone know what this is?" Everyone said no. "Number thirty-eight, attempt to fit into very large gym bags. We can also do number thirty-nine attempt to fit others into very large gym bags, too. Let's go!"
The only one who had fit in a gym bag was Kim, with her being the smallest and most flexible. She didn't appreciate it when Sasuke lifted the bag up and over his shoulder, and proceeded to run up and down the aisles. Nor did she appreciate it when everyone took turn dragging her across the floor.
Konan snatched the list away from her best friend and read, "Number forty, say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" Hinata your up!"
Hinata handed Konan the video camera and walked up to a group of rowdy middle school boys. When they caught sight of her hearts appeared in their wide eyes. "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" Their jaws dropped. One kid thought his pants were starting fit him a little tight, another sported a nose bleed, and another had fainted. After they did not reply Hinata walked away from them. When she reached the others she asked, "Should we call an ambulance?"
"No he'll be alright," Naruto said, narrowing his eyes at the once rowdy boys. Sasuke smirked at him when the boy all but growled, "next one?"
"Right!" Konan handed Hinata back her video camera. "Number forty-one, set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. Let's go!"
They got to the front, and set up a podium. Kakashi had got a poster board from the arts and crafts department. Jade had used a tube of blood red lipstick that she had found in her purse to write on the poster and wrote 'Valet Parking, $5' on it. Kim stole the lipstick from her and put some on. A bunch of people paid the fee and gave them their car keys. They parked the cars at the way back of the parking lot. After a while they got bored, and gave all the keys to the manager.
"Number forty-two, two words: "Marco Polo." How do you play that?" Naruto explained it to her. After that they played the game for a few minutes. They only stopped because they kept running into things and other people. Nagato snatched the list back from her, giving her a look.
"Number forty-three, leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. We can do this as we go. Number forty-four, we can all do this one; "re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics." They made quick work of that one. "Number forty-five, in the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. I wanna do this one." With that he walked towards the auto department. He picked up two large funnels out of a basket, and hopped on top of a stack of tires. He placed them over his chest and started voguing.
"Hey there, we should go see Madonna together sometime," a guy called out to him, giving the redhead a flirty smile. Nagato panicked, still not used to the attention, and walked back to the group.
"I didn't know you swung that way," Konan joked, fighting the urge to give the stranger the nastiest paper cut the world has ever seen. He glared at her. She glared back, and he looked away clearing his throat.
"Number forty-six," the Uzumaki man squeaked, his voice returning to normal as he continued, "when someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word." Jade was the one to do it. When she got back, they could hear a faint 'Where the fuck did my basket go?' "Number forty-seven, relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out."
"Let's go laze around," Kim suggested with a shrug, leading the way.
They sat at a patio table with an umbrella.
Nagato was reading over the last things on the list. "We only have three more things left to do," he told them. "Sasuke number forty-nine is pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. You should get started on this one. Now we only have two more." Soon an employee came and asked them to leave. "Number forty-eight, when an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" Sakura gets this."
Sakura said that she couldn't do it because there were no announcements. Then Naruto asked one of the cashiers to page someone for him.
"Can Andre Wilson come to the front? Can Andre Wilson come to the front? Your older brother is looking for you."
When Sakura head the announcement, she dropped to the ground and assumed the fetal position. "No, no! It's those voices again," she cried rocking back and forth. People were stopping to stare at her. All of a sudden she hopped up to her feet. "Phew, I'm alright now. The voices went away." Then she calmly walked back to the others. "I hate you all."
"The last one. Kakashi this one is yours. Number fifty, drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it."
"There isn't a food court here, so all you have to do is get a lounge chair and read magazines," Kim told him. He nodded and walked over to where the lounge chairs were. He carried to where all the books and magazines were and sat down. He grabbed a magazine off the shelf and sat down relaxing.
"What are you guys doing," a stern voice called out from behind them. "Well?" Nearly everyone felt a shiver run down their spines. Kakashi just waved at the man, knowing he could get away with anything.
"Hey dad," Kim greeted slowly, turning on her heel to face her doom. "Where have you been?"
"Picking out all the Christmas decorations for the past two hours," Ren hissed at his assembled group of delinquents. "It's getting late, so let's pay and then we can go pick out a tree."
"I want a big one," Jade shouted, stretching her arm high over her head. Everyone shrugged and they went to go pay, pick out a tree, and then finally return to the loft.