Four

Her hair spread out along her pillow, she reached out to the empty side of the bed. It was cold. No one had slept there but she had dreamt that they had.

The sunlight poured through the window of the hotel which she had decided to stay in, just one more night. That night had passed. She swung her legs out of bed, her nightdress becoming tangled around her limbs. She sighed, frustrated, at her own life. Her head was a heavy mess. Her face felt tight and her eyes stung. Her body was achy and she felt older, much older than her years. She daren't look at her own reflection for fear of what would be facing back at her.

She found a bowl of water which she had prepared the evening before to wash her face in. The water did nothing to make her feel better. A towel was lay next to the bowl and she dried her face feeling the roughness drag over the sensitive skin. She was cross legged, she dragged her body to the window so she could see outside. The curtain blew back in a light breeze. Outside people went about their daily life, people walking to work, to the beach or just a morning stroll. She felt a pull in her heart, she wasn't a part of that – nor would she ever be. When she had returned here, she had pictured becoming part of this daily life and finding herself there, with Jack. But now...

Two days. That's how long until Jack would be marrying his love. She squeezed her eyes closed and dragged back the curtains. She couldn't face anything, not just yet. She felt numb and empty. She collapsed back onto the bed. She was tired.

…

Jack went to the pier, to the beach and then he walked the length of the promenade four times before the heat began to swelter him.

He took shade at a bar. A beer was a welcome taste at this moment. He sat surrounded by a cloud of his own smoke. He hadn't seen any sign of her and he was angry at himself for expecting to. He hadn't felt this depressed since the end of the war. His head fell into his hands. Jack had left the house before Louise had risen and had returned the night before after she had gone to bed. He was drowning in his own guilt and yet all he wanted was Rose. He needed to see her. Rose had mentioned that she was staying at a hotel in town. There were dozens of them in the area. He didn't hesitate as he drank the last of his beer. He would knock on the door of every damned hotel to find her if he had to.

…

The soft summer breeze blew her tendrils gently. The waft of sort summer flowers filled the air. The waves gently lapped onto the short of the pure white beach. Her heart felt as though it was to break in two.

This had once been a place which she held in her head, the place which she envisioned arriving at with a suitcase in her hand and a brilliant smile. A place where she could be happy, based on the memories of her and Jack. She had dreamed of it for so long that when she had actually arrived it was almost a sacred place. One which she feared wouldn't exist. All of the sights, the places which Jack had spoken of all of those years ago and now they were within her line of vision and with a racing heart she had known that Jack was here also. Before she had seen him, met his fiancée...

She found herself taking deep breath's to steady herself and not allow cry once more. She had spent far too long doing that.

''This is goodbye.'' She whispered to herself, to the ocean air and to Santa Monica. With a couple of tears in her eyes, she let them flow.

What was it about this place which seemed so filled with love and happiness all around her? It seemed to taunt, to hurt and now she knew it would forever be ingrained in her heart but for all of the wrong reasons. She missed the naivety and the loneliness of her life before she had seen Jack again, purely because this pain was too much to bear. Almost as much as losing him to the ocean. When she had believed him to be dead, she forced herself to go on...to live, with his memory in her heart but since knowing of his survival, she had ached, lived and died each day a little more.

She shuddered in the warm breeze. She wasn't even cold. She was just weak.

She let her mind wander back to the evening before. He had kissed her. He had wanted her. Yet, he hadn't come to her and he certainly hadn't mentioned ending his engagement. Eight years previous, she had been in the exact same situation and she remembered just how easy that decision to leave her family, her wealth and her entire life behind for one mind she had barely known a few days. The one man she had loved all of these years. The one man she had loved all of her life. And that was one decision which she had never regretted. Giving it all up, for him, just on a whim was the easiest decision which she had made. She had given him everything in just those last few hours. Exposed herself so openly, showed him her love and opened herself for him, fully. It was just there and then, that she had made the decision that she would live out her life with him.

Rose didn't know where Jack was, where he lived, who Louise even was. Was she so deserving of such a man? She cursed herself for being so foolish, of course she would be! She found herself picking at reasons why he shouldn't be with Louise and she found none. She was beautifully innocent and sweet.

The situation was toxic. Her own mind poisoning herself. She closed her eyes for a second and then watched out at the distance where the ocean met the sky in one faint blue line.

''This is it.''

She had packed the few belongings which she had fetched to Santa Monica into the small suitcase which sat beside her feet. She bent down to pick it up and she held it in her right hand. It was heavier than she remembered as though it was carrying the woes away which she hadn't arrived with.

Something was pulling her back, something telling her to leave. Her feet couldn't move. Then, her senses picked up on something else. A presence. She turned her head quickly.

Jack

Her mouth was suddenly dry. Her head dizzy and the suitcase fell from her hand and landed on the pier with a thud and she didn't even realise. She still didn't move, she didn't need to as he moved quickly towards her. He looked tired, dishevelled and she didn't care. She just needed to see him. To hear what he said.

''Rose,'' he came closer, eyeing up the suitcase next to her, ''you're leaving?''

''Yes.'' She swallowed hard. ''I thought this place would hold a lot for me but it turns out there is nothing.

Jack ran his fingers through his hair. ''I've been looking for you all morning.''

Rose narrowed her eyes at him. ''For what?''

He pressed his lips together. This was his chance to tell her everything. How he felt and what he wanted. Yet nothing came out. He thought of Louise, she was clueless. Innocent. Nothing would even come out. He couldn't focus. Her face right there, surrounded by the sea breeze was just beautiful.

Rose shook her head. ''For nothing?''

Jack exhaled quickly. ''For everything. There is so much to say to you and yet I don't know how to. I cannot start at the beginning because that began eight years ago and now we're here.''

''Yes, we are.''

Jack glanced past Rose out at the same blue ocean which he had stared at night after night for months and months thinking of Rose and how much she would love it here, how they would live their life out. He had versioned out their life's together, thought of what would happen next, where they would go...and now, it wasn't even slightly close to what he had put inside his own head.

''I love you,'' he said simply, ''I should have said so back then.''

''And, now, you love another, also.''

Jack sighed, 'I love-I care about her. I-I pictured my life with her in a way I never thought I could, not after you.''

The words were like bullets, slow and painfully burying themselves into Rose's stomach, her heart and shattering her bones making sure that she was brutally hurt more and more.

''Then, I cannot be selfish.'' Rose found some strength from somewhere as the blood drained out of her lifeless veins. ''Marry her, be happy.''

''But, I can't just let you go.''

He went to reach out to her but she pulled back.

'No, Jack. Last night proved we cannot be trusted with each other. There is no friendship. It was all or nothing. I have nothing here, you have something.''

Jack pressed his lips together, trying to find the words.

''I have to go.''

He grasped her arm, thrusting her backwards. His lips were on hers before she could even speak. She tried to back away but she couldn't, he had restrained her and not with his force but just with his kiss. She failed so badly to resist and so she relaxed against him. Her lips moving against his. The exploration of each other's mouths was way overdue.

''This, this is what I want.'' He told her breathlessly, between kisses. ''Just this.''

She closed her eyes. Her faith in him restoring, her heart slightly healing.

''Then, come with me.''

Jack stroked her face. ''Go where?''

''Wherever we can.'' She smiled against his cheek. ''Just us.''

Jack sagged his shoulders. ''I cannot just leave.''

Rose frowned, pulling away from him. ''Why not?''

''I just-I need time-time to break it to Louise, to her family.''

Rose swallowed hard, her eyes already becoming moist and alarm bells ringing so loudly she was almost dead. She let go of him, dropping him as though he was poisonous. The healing of her heart slowly came away, bleeding out again.

''You mean she doesn't already know? You kissed me!''

''No, she knows nothing and I cannot just leave for that reason.''

Rose shook her head, feeling foolish. ''I cannot just wait around for you to end your engagement, Jack! If you loved me enough then it wouldn't be so hard.'' She picked up for suitcase. This time she clutched it so tightly her knuckled were white. ''When I left Cal, it wasn't hard. It was the easiest decision I have ever made, not because of what I was leaving behind but for what I was giving it up for. For you!''

Jack tried to come closer but she refused.

''No!'' She held her hand up to him, shaking visibly. It stopped him, mid stride. ''Marry her, Jack. Please. Just marry her.''