Chapter 8

When Izaya woke up, Shizuo was gone. He blinked into the early morning sunlight, groaning. His head pounded dully, his mouth dry, and his body felt like it was made of sandpaper. Ugh. He was never going to drink again.

Izaya sat up, head in his hands. The room was empty, quiet; it was still dark enough to justify staying in bed. He clutched at his hair.

Shizuo. He had come to his hotel room. He had made out with him. He had fallen asleep right beside him.

Why.

Why did he do that? Why did Shizuo let him do that? Safe...yes, Izaya had felt...scared. Alone. He shouldn't have drunken so much, it never ended well...

He had been with Tomoki. He'd spent all day with the guy. Izaya had gone through hell to search him out, and the universe had given him the stroke of luck of having Tomoki actually living in Okinawa.

Luck, huh...

Either way, Izaya wasn't going to just let him go. He was curious. Tomoki was Shizuo's past, real, tangible proof of the life he'd had, of the fact that he actually swung both ways.

Izaya couldn't let him go.

Apparently, Shizuo liked sweets. He and Tomoki would always go out to crepe shops, or places that had really good cake. They also went out to movies all the time, apparently, Shizuo was big on them. His brother was an actor, Tomoki said, didn't you know?

Shizuo didn't like to read, he lacked the patience. Sometimes, though, they would sit up on the roof, Shizuo's head in his lap as Tomoki read to him. Shizuo wasn't really into academics either (no surprise there), but he really only started getting bottom marks around the time they broke up and after. He spent a lot of time fighting, after.

Izaya didn't know what he wanted to do with all this information. He just...wanted it. Tomoki kept on veering away from the subject, he kept on wanting to know about Izaya, but Izaya wasn't an information broker for nothing.

Still, Tomoki was getting frustrated by the end. "Why?" he kept on asking. "Why do you want to know?"

Izaya wished he knew himself.

Instead of answering, Izaya invited him out for a drink. To loosen the tongue. They went to a few bars. Izaya hadn't intended to drink himself, but Tomoki refused to drink or answer any questions until he did. And then they were in Tomoki's apartment. They stumbled into Tomoki's bed. Izaya didn't know why he was doing this. Why he was in some stranger's bed after going nearly a year without sleeping with anyone. He didn't know. And these question kept thudding against the buzz in his brain, knocking into the haze of alcohol until they finally broke through.

Daisuke. Guns. Pain. Blood. Hot. Cold. Dying...

Izaya nearly punched Tomoki in the face in his rush to get out of there. He made it out into the street. He threw up. He walked back to the hotel, or tried to. He fell down on the sidewalk, dizzy, sobbing, but he didn't know what for.

The world felt too big, suddenly. Empty, with no stars. Just a giant black canvas overhead, waiting to suffocate Izaya when the time was right.

He was coughing, there was acid in his throat. He wiped his mouth. His face. He crawled up and started heading towards the only place he could think of being right then.

He couldn't believe Shizuo let him in. He couldn't believe Shizuo.

Izaya sighed now, pressing his hands into his eyes. They had a flight later that morning. Maybe that's where Shizuo went. All of his luggage was gone, as well as Shizuo himself. He probably didn't want to be in the same room as Izaya at the moment, and frankly, Izaya felt the same way.

Because this was confusing. None of it made any sense. Usually, Izaya wouldn't hesitate to dive headfirst into a messy situation, but this was different. This was his mess this time.

Izaya got up, heading into the bathroom. He was supposed to meet Shiki later today. He laughed. At himself. At everything. He cupped some water in his hands and gulped it down. He splashed it on his face. It didn't make him feel better.

As Izaya was leaving, a hotel employee flagged him down. Apparently, Shizuo had said that Izaya was going to pay for the room fee.

Izaya burst out laughing.

Shizuo sat in the airport. Even this early in the morning, there were still plenty of people around. He glanced at a boy a few seats away from him, reading a translated version of Harry Potter. Tomoki had read the first few books to him, once. They'd been pretty good.

He looked away. Shizuo stared down at his phone, which was playing a trailer of Kasuka's new movie. It was an action-thriller, with vampires and a lot of blood.

Shizuo smiled a little when Kasuka appeared on the tiny screen.

When it was over, he switched off his phone, opting instead to stare at the floor. It was carpeted, blue with faint red swirls.

Shizuo liked Izaya.

There was no denying it now, not after everything. But the thing was, he also hated Izaya. He hated it when Izaya was a little shit, when he insulted Shizuo or acted like he was better than everyone else. He hated that the bastard had dragged Tomoki back into his life like that.

But...

What Izaya had said, last night, the way he'd acted. The way he looked all the time, the way he blushed. How funny he could be, how engaging when he was playing nice. Even now, Shizuo wished he could be with that Izaya, talking with him and holding his hand.

But it was impossible, wasn't it? Izaya was a lot of things, but he wasn't kind, not even a little bit. There was no getting around that. Shizuo couldn't be with someone like him, even if Izaya actually wanted to.

He would just have to wait until these feelings went away, put distance between them. It shouldn't be too hard. They were probably going to "break-up" now that Celty and Shinra seemed to have gotten together. After that, there would be no reason to see him.

Shizuo clenched his hands into fists. He would just have to get through their two and a half hour flight back to Tokyo together.

He put his head in his hands, groaning.

"I'll tell her you're an underground doctor."

Shinra shrugged as he sat on the bed – Shizuo's bed – watching Izaya pack. "Then where would all your leverage go?" he said. "You do that and you'll never get me to do anything for you again. Would you really go that far to avoid Shizuo?"

Izaya threw his clothes down onto his bed. "If you switch seats with me, I'll owe you a favor," he said, through clenched teeth.

"As tempting as that sounds," Shinra said, smiling. "There's nothing you can do or say to get me to give up spending an almost three-hour flight right next to my one true love."

"Fine. Then I'll ask Celty."

Shinra laughed. "You know she hates you, right?"

"She doesn't hate Shizu-chan, does she? I'll tell her that I'm doing it for him. That I'll just make him feel uncomfortable."

"Like she'd believe anything you say to her."

"She believed me when I said I was dating Shizuo, right?" Izaya said, smirking a little.

"No," Shinra said. "She believed Shizuo when he said he was dating you. Even though we both think he's too good for you."

"Isn't Celty the one that's too good for you?" Izaya snapped.

Shinra looked at him, eyebrow raised. "Did I hit a nerve?"

Izaya looked away. "Anyway," he said. He bent down to pick up one of his socks. "I could probably get Shizuo to ask her. I don't think he wants to spend that much time with me either."

"What makes you say that?"

Izaya laughed. "Other than the fact that I blew his ex, drunkenly made out with him and then passed out?" he said. "Gee, I wonder."

"You never know," Shinra said, laughing too. "Maybe he wants to talk it out."

"Maybe he wants to smother me in my sleep."

"You won't have time to sleep on a three-hour flight."

"That's not the point."

"Then what is the point, Izaya?" He grabbed a pillow, hugging it comfortably. "You want to take the coward's way out? Avoid your feelings like that forever?"

Izaya paused in folding his clothes. "Feelings?" he said, looking up. "What feelings?"

"Oh come on, Izaya," Shinra said, rolling his eyes. "I know you're in love with him. You can't hide something like that from me."

"In – what?!" Izaya straightened up, abandoning his clothes. "Have you been paying attention at all?" he said. "Or have you been too caught up in your own stupid romance to notice? I hate him. He hates me. We're enemies. We – "

"Make out and flirt with each other constantly?"

"When have we ever flirted?"

"This whole trip," Shinra said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Did you not notice?"

"Maybe when we were in front of you guys – "

"So you did notice."

" – but only because we were acting," Izaya said, scowling. "We were pretending to be boyfriends, remember?"

"Seemed awfully real to me."

"Well, I'm a good liar."

"Looks like it," Shinra said, letting go of the pillow. "Since you've managed to keep lying to yourself this entire time."

Izaya exhaled sharply, getting back to his clothes. "I'm not in love with him," he said.

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that."

Izaya balled up a shirt and threw it at him. Shinra just laughed.

Shizuo stared ahead at the coach seat in front of him. There was a really tall, bald guy sitting there. Everyone was getting ready to take-off, finding their seats, putting away their carry-ons, going to the bathroom while they could.

He and Izaya were just sitting. Next to each other. Not talking. The rest of the plane was loud, all hustle and bustle, but the space where the two of them were sitting was completely dead. And completely charged. At the very least, Shizuo got the window seat.

He was looking out the window when Izaya spoke up.

"Celty really won't switch seats with you?" he said.

Shizuo scowled. "I told you already. She said no."

"Try asking one more time."

"She was pretty adamant about it."

"Do you even know what adamant means?"

Shizuo whipped around, glaring. "Izaya – !" he said, but Izaya wasn't looking at him. He was staring at the rings on his fingers, playing with them, frowning as if he was thinking of something else, a million miles away.

Shizuo turned back to the window.

After what felt like forever, they finally got up in the air, and it felt better there, even though really, Shizuo was stuck in the same situation. He watched as Okinawa got smaller and smaller, staring at the blue ocean.

After they broke into the field of clouds, there wasn't really anything to look at anymore. Still, Shizuo stared out the window. It was better than the alternative.

A few minutes later, Izaya got up and left, probably for the bathroom. Shizuo didn't care. He just took a deep, long breath. Relaxing into the chair, he closed his eyes. There was a green stain in the darkness behind his eyelids, from looking at the sun too long.

He couldn't stand two and a half hours of this. He just couldn't. But they were a thousand feet up in the air, and he didn't have a choice. He should have just booked another flight when he could, but even if he'd thought of it earlier, it wasn't like he had the money.

He leaned his head against the wall. Maybe Shizuo could just pretend the sleep. Maybe he could actually fall asleep.

This was fucking stupid. Celty had refused to switch seats because she'd wanted them to 'talk things out.' She said this was the perfect opportunity. But there wasn't anything to talk about; it wasn't like they were actually dating.

Was that what Shizuo wanted to do, deep down? Date Izaya?

He grimaced at the thought. Maybe Izaya had been right. Maybe Shizuo didn't actually like the flea, maybe he only wanted his body.

He sighed. If only it were that simple.

Izaya clambered back into the seat next to him, making Shizuo open his eyes. So much for the sleeping plan.

"I can't believe there isn't a single open seat around here," Izaya muttered, as if to himself.

Shizuo couldn't help it. He laughed. Izaya looked over at him, as if his smile was abstract art. Clearing his throat, Shizuo avoided his eyes. He looked back at the window.

Half an hour later, Shizuo was still looking out the window. They had talked once, when Shizuo asked Izaya to get out of the way so he could get to the bathroom. Shizuo probably spent a good ten minutes in there, avoiding Izaya.

He passed Shinra and Celty on the way, who were so engrossed in each other, they didn't even notice Shizuo when he waved.

Izaya was reading now. It was a book Shizuo knew; he and Tomoki had spent three months trying to get through it. The book wasn't long, it was just that boring. At the time, they had dared each other; Tomoki to actually put up with reading through the whole thing, Shizuo to actually listen to it. Both of them failed.

Shizuo had no idea why Izaya was reading that book now. Maybe he actually found it interesting.

Shizuo peeked over, once. He recognized a passage. It was about the main character – an old man named Tanaka – peeling some chestnuts in a grove. Shizuo remembered because of how many times Tomoki had to read it to him; Shizuo kept falling asleep.

He looked away. At his fingers. At the bald man in front of him. He'd put on a hat. Several minutes later, Shizuo peeked over again. Izaya was still on the same page.

"Are you actually reading that?" Shizuo said, unable to help it.

Izaya looked up. "What?"

"Your book," he said. "You're not actually reading it, are you?"

"No, I'm just appreciating how pretty the words looks on the page," Izaya said, scoffing. "Of course I'm reading it."

"But you've been on the same page for like ten minutes."

"Are you watching me read?"

Izaya was staring at him, and he looked so weird without that smile on his face. Shizuo glared. "No," he said. "'Cause you're not actually reading."

"So then you're just watching me."

"Why are you reading that book?" Shizuo said, his eye twitching. "Are you trying to fall asleep or something?"

Izaya looked back at his book. "Someone recommended it to me," he said.

"Well, that person's got shitty taste."

"He really does."

"But you're still gonna read it?" Shizuo said, snorting.

Izaya sighed. "At this point, I'd rather shoot myself in the head."

Shizuo smiled, turning to the window so that Izaya couldn't see it. "I can tell you what happens," he said, to the clouds.

"And spoil all my hard work?"

Shizuo looked over. Izaya was smiling a little too. "Then I'm definitely telling you."

Izaya caught his eye, saw his smile. "I didn't know you were capable of such cruelty," he said, looking back at the book. "Clearly, I've underestimated you."

"Well, that's your mistake, isn't it?"

Izaya snorted softly, still staring at the book. Suddenly, he closed it. "Okay," he said, turning to Shizuo. "I give up. Just tell me what happens."

Shizuo leaned back in his seat. "Actually," he said. "I changed my mind. You should find out for yourself."

"Shizuo," Izaya said, the corner of his mouth turning up. "I'm going to die of boredom if I read anymore of that book."

"Good."

Izaya laughed. "I'll stink up the plane if I died now."

"We could probably land somewhere to drop you off."

"You know we're flying over the sea right now, right?"

Shizuo looked at the window. "Do I have to?" he said, trying not to smile.

Izaya lightly hit Shizuo's hand with the book. "Come on," he said. "I'll even return the favor."

"With what?" Shizuo said, looking over.

Izaya looked a bit taken aback. Shizuo realized he had said that a little too seriously. He opened his mouth, about to make the situation even more awkward, but then Izaya cut him off.

"Whatever you want," he said. He looked steadily at Shizuo, even though he sounded as if he had surprised himself with his own words. "I'll give it to you, whatever it is."

"He dies in the end," Shizuo blurted out. Tomoki had looked up the ending after they'd given up too. He tried to remember everything he'd told him, all those years ago. "His daughter inherits everything from him, and he passes away happy, knowing that he'll be with his wife."

"Really?" Izaya said. He looked away from Shizuo. "I read all of that just to have him die in the end? That's an hour of my life completely wasted."

"Hey," Shizuo said. "Did you mean it? About the favor?"

Izaya stared at the book, even though it was closed now. "Yes."

"Then..." Then what? What did Shizuo want from Izaya? Go die, he imagined himself saying. Never come near me again.

He also heard himself say, Go out with me. Fall in love with me. Be with me because you want to, and not because you have to.

"...read the rest of that book to me."

Izaya looked up at him. "What?"

"After that," Shizuo said, looking back. "No more, okay? No more of this. Of you and me, and whatever this is. That sound good?"

Izaya stared. Then he looked down at the book. "Yes," he said. He opened the it, looking at the pages as if he'd forgotten how to read. "I said I'd do anything, right?"

"Yeah."

When the finally landed, one and a half hours later, Shinra and Celty had to shake them awake.